Really Bad Halloween Treats

[Green Bean]

Inspired by this thread (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=441597) :

What's the most awful thing you can think of that you could give out to trick-or-treaters this year?

Rules:
Must be something that would actually be feasible to give out, if you so desired. Therefore, nothing to big or expensive. Preferably individually packaged/sealed. And nothing illegal or hazardous.

And on a related note: What's the worst "treat" you ever got in your halloween bag?


Here's what I'm not going to give out this Halloween: Herb-ox bouillon packets. (http://www.amazon.com/Herb-ox-Bouillon-Packets-1-2-oz/dp/B0005ZZ4DI)

[bouv]

Here's what I'm not going to give out this Halloween: Herb-ox bouillon packets. (http://www.amazon.com/Herb-ox-Bouillon-Packets-1-2-oz/dp/B0005ZZ4DI)

As I kid, I loved just boiling a mug of water in the microwave and adding a bouillon cube. Salty, beefy, goodness! :D

[cwthree]

Tiny boxes of raisins are virtually guaranteed to underwhelm kids.

[Poysyn]

I have always hated Circus Peanuts and Halloween Kisses, but I don't know if that is universal or not.

My dentist neighbor used to give out those little oral hygiene kits, complete with those pink tablets you chew to show the plaque.

[FatBaldGuy]

When my kids were young enough to go out, one of the neighbors handed out Chick Tracts. The kids did not appreciate them for some reason.

[Siam Sam]

I always despised people who handed out apples. I mean, Come On! Halloween is supposed to be a Candyfest for cryin' out loud.

[Bobotheoptimist]

Ditto the Chick Tracts. I didn't see the humor when I was just a wee little lad.

Other things that underwhelmed me as a tot -
Raisins, an individual no-name hard candy, coupons, any political, environmental, or religious pamphlet (even if you attach a cheap-ass lollipop).

[Euryphaessa]

I always hated those Halloween candies that came in the orange wrapper and tasted of caramel mixed with licorice and depression. I think they might be what others have called "kisses", but that is terribly misleading. A kiss is made of chocolate, dammit!

I think the worst Halloween giveaway ever would be individually wrapped hand wipes. You know, the ones you get at KFC that smell like lemon. Getting that in my treat bag would have merited an egging.

[Siam Sam]

I just caught on that Chick Tracts must be tracts by Jack Chick and not some obscure gum from Chiclets. Apples were bad enough, but if we'd gotten those, that house would have been ripe for an egging, I'll clue ya.

[Randy Seltzer]

Condoms
A cup of corn starch. No packaging.
This would take some preparation, but spend all year eating lots of candy and save all the wrappers. When Halloween comes around, but two big handfulls of empty candy wrappers in each kid's bag.
A couple pieces of white chalk
A handful of ice cubes

[Siam Sam]

Condoms
Even flavored condoms?

[Sanity Challenged]

Every year at Halloween time, I get to pull out the story of one woman I used to know, who actually gave out candy to the "ideal weight" kids that came tricker treating, and pencils to the ones she thought were overweight.

[Ms Macphisto]

I always hated getting Thrills gum (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thrills) when I went trick or treating. Seriously, who hands out gum that tastes like soap?

[rinni]

I may be in the minority but I always hated those tiny bags of regular chips.

Neither I nor any other kid I knew would ever choose regular chips over any other kind of chips. Those who do must lack taste buds and crave only the sensation. Okay, regular chips are good vehicles for dip but that's their only purpose. No one ever gave dip away.

As a kid I didn't even really like salt and vinegar chips (love 'em now though!), but I loved getting them on Halloween because that meant that I got one less bag of regular chips! I mean, I thought they were OK but on Halloween, a true delicacy.

When I was a kid I'd make fun of my mom for buying regular chips to give out, and tell her that all the kids that came to our house would make fun of her.

I think adults gave out regular chips as a sympathy to the parents. Because my regular chips and those of my friends? All straight to our parents, bay-bee.

I also may be in the minority for enjoying Halloween kisses and raisins. :)

Edit: The weirdest thing I ever got on Halloween was - on a cold and POURING rainy night - an individual package of hot chocolate powder. They said it was to warm us up afterwards. I think I ate the powder.

[Tapioca Dextrin]

I always despised people who handed out apples. I mean, Come On! Halloween is supposed to be a Candyfest for cryin' out loud.

Better than getting a toothbrush :rolleyes:

[TripleTee]

How about fried eggs wrapped in little plastic baggies? Yumm-o!!!

[Ca3799]

I've got a "Chick Track neighbor". I usually go to their door so I can get one, too!

I was thinking of having bowl of individually wrapped sour pickles this year. I saw a box of them at Sam's yesterday.

[Hypno-Toad]

I got a rock.

I think I'm going to give out AOL CDs. "Hey kid! You get a thousand hours!"

[Dung Beetle]

Those tiny novelty erasers. They're cute and all, but (a) have you ever tried to use one? And (b) who wants a friggin' school supply in your candy bag?

[nonacetone]

I'm giving out 'bad' stuff this year. Of course, the kids think it's good stuff! It's the parents that think it's bad.

I make up bunches of cute Halloween bags.
Inside of each bag, a selection of goodies:

Mini Butterfinger bar
Mini Snickers bar
Mini Milky Way bar
Bubble Yum Bubble Gum
Mini Twizzlers
Hostess Twinkies
Plastic skeletons, spiders and snakes

The worst item in my Halloween bag when I was a kid, were always the generic candy.
Really...no one actually likes that stuff!

[Hypno-Toad]

I remember a better one: make each child fill out a form and tell them their candy will be shipped to them in 6-8 weeks, thank you.

[gigi]

How about fried eggs wrapped in little plastic baggies? Yumm-o!!!
Pudding skin singles (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Blood_(Seinfeld_episode))

Muffin stumps (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Muffin_Tops)

[GingerOfTheNorth]

How about fried eggs wrapped in little plastic baggies? Yumm-o!!!
I believe the tradition is fried eggs and beer. Dave put that into our elder son's bag one year, as a joke.

[Shoeless]

I always hated getting Pixie Sticks in my halloween bag. Guaranteed to not make it home intact. When I'd dump out my bag at the end of the night, everything was covered with broken Pixie Stick dust.

[tdn]

Pudding skin singles (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Blood_(Seinfeld_episode))

Muffin stumps (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Muffin_Tops)
I'm starting to notice a trend in your posts lately. You're a big fane of Everyone Loves Raymond reruns, aren't you? ;)

I'm going to have to go with Jagermeister. Just pour a little shot in each kid's Halloween bucket.

[Solfy]

The worst thing I could think of to pass out: Sunsweet Ones. (http://www.sunsweet.com/products/info.asp/product/ones)

My Halloween bag was mentally sorted into
WANT:
Chocolate anything (hide from mother)
Gum
Sweet Tarts
Smarties
Sugar Babies
Lollypops

Do Not Want:
Candy corn!!!
Cow tails (?)
Sugar Daddies
Random hard candy
Bit o Honey
Mike n Ike
Good n Plenty
Mc Donald's coupons that expire in 15 minutes

[rhythmonly]

I do not get many TOT's at my place, but I always use this holiday to clean out my junk drawer:

(doorbell rings)

"TRICK OR TREAT!"

"My, what splendid costumes! Hold out your bags! Here's a nice plastic drill index, and you can have this old can of cat food, and you get some electrical tape, and here's a 7 of Spades, and YOU get this Cheap Trick cassette tape! Be careful crossing the street!"

"?!?"

[Litoris]

Not really an answer, but the strangest thing we ever got was once while trick-or-treating with my kids and a friend's kids, an older lady apparently was senile or had run out of candy and had dropped a screwdriver in one of the kids' bags, a wrench in one, etc. Each of the kids got a tool. My friend (being male) insisted that we go back to her house a couple more times, as he could really use more tools!

As a kid, the worst treat we ever got was from one particular neighbor who gave out exactly 5 pennies to each trick-or-treater. Even in 1976, 5 cents didn't buy jack. Gee thanks, pal!

[romansperson]

I wouldn't have minded a tart, tasty, juicy apple. I did mind getting one of those flavorless Red Delicious apples, which our neighbor handed out every year. I stopped going over there.

[Flander]

*This would take some preparation, but spend all year eating lots of candy and save all the wrappers. When Halloween comes around, but two big handfulls of empty candy wrappers in each kid's bag.

Brilliant!!!

[NailBunny]

I got a fishing tackle box one year, along with a cat-shaped doorstop and a squash.

(we hit the house of some college students who were unprepared and just started handing us things)

I agree that giving out fruit is a pretty mean thing to do - I know the heart's in the right place and everything, but kids have to eat that crap all year, give them one day to binge on pure sugar!

[tdn]

give them one day to binge on pure sugar!
What, were you raised in an atheist household? Muslim? Jewish?

Any kid in a Christian household knows that there are three days a year when unlimited sugar is an option. And on one of them, you get toys.

[Bobotheoptimist]

A tackle box and squash? That would rock! The squash could be used on the Chick Track house, and who doesn't love tackle boxes? You could organize your candy and carry it around...

Oh man, you were the luckiest kid ever!

[NinetyWt]

When I was small, a favorite thing for old ladies to had out was the hideous popcorn ball (http://www.kraftfoods.com/esi.net/african_american/recipes.aspx?shortname=military&d=&recipe_id=50637 ). Those went straight into the garbage can. *shudder*

That's my vote for the worst thing to get AND the worst thing to give out.

[cher3]

One house in our neighborhood when I was a kid used to hand out bags of raw Kiwanis peanuts that they must have purchased in great quantity round about 1942.

The worst I've seen my kids get is granola bars from Environment Lady across the street.

[fluiddruid]

I've definitely been to a "couple of pennies" house. Ugh.

I think the thing I was most perplexed to get was a box of Hi-C.

People who gave out toothbrushes (like the dentist in our neighborhood) just need to die. I mean, come on. That's like buying a kid underpants for his birthday. Give out quarters or little cheapo toys if you can't bear to give out candy.

There was also a religious tract house in my neighborhood. My sister got all freaked out and thought she was going to Hell. It kinda spoiled the mood, but I guess, for that person, mission accomplished.

I was one of those kids for whom Halloween was not just a holiday, but an event of staggering proportions. It required planning, like bringing a big enough sack and a costume that wouldn't slow you down, and you had to remember the houses that were worth it from year to year. One out of the way house always gave out full candy bars, so you had to go there, but another out of the way house gave only a little candy, and wasn't worth it, so could be safely skipped. I also carefully planned which neighborhoods and streets I would have time for. In one year, I managed to trick or treat for several hours, then was sent to a friend's "Halloween party", which was actually trick or treating again in another neighborhood. Score! While eating the candy was a driving factor, I think it was the process of collecting of it that was the most fun.

[tdn]

The worst I've seen my kids get is granola bars from Environment Lady across the street.
What's funny is that if we were allowed to TOT as adults, I'd love that. In fact, the perfect adult treat would be...

Actually, this almost happened.

A few years back, I was sitting out on the porch with a few friends. We decided to turn it into sort of a party. The neighbors did it up right. Wine, cheese and crackers, and a huge plate of shrimp and cocktail sauce. The kids would come up with their little bags or buckets, and we would give them candy. One kid, though, bypassed the candy and went straight for the shrimp.

Hey, the kid has taste.

I opted not to let him have one. I didn't think it was a good idea to let him walk around with shellfish in his candy bag.

[Aguecheek]

I always hated those Halloween candies that came in the orange wrapper and tasted of caramel mixed with licorice and depression. I think they might be what others have called "kisses", but that is terribly misleading. A kiss is made of chocolate, dammit!Like every adult, my dad would buy treats that he himself enjoyed, just in case of leftovers, dontchaknow. For my entire childhood, all we handed out were those gawdawful kisses and unsalted, unshelled peanuts.

Yeah, I was popular.

The worst was the year we moved to a different town. The previous owners of our house had had a reputation for handing out full sized chocolate bars. That year? Kisses 'n' peanuts, kiddies!

[Shagnasty]

Live goldfish in those little fish bowls that they have at the state fair. Tell the kids to carefully head straight home so that the fish won't get hurt.

[Khadaji]

I have always hated Circus Peanuts and Halloween Kisses, but I don't know if that is universal or not.

My dentist neighbor used to give out those little oral hygiene kits, complete with those pink tablets you chew to show the plaque.
My first thouht was Circus Peanuts. What are Hallween Kisses?

[KneadToKnow]

I wouldn't have minded a tart, tasty, juicy apple. I did mind getting one of those flavorless Red Delicious apples, which our neighbor handed out every year. I stopped going over there.
So you're saying the plan worked, then?

[Cluricaun]

My first thouht was Circus Peanuts. What are Hallween Kisses?

Those peanut butter taffy type candies in the black or orange waxed paper. I can eat an entire bag of these suckers.

[KneadToKnow]

Those peanut butter taffy type candies in the black or orange waxed paper.
Oh, Jebus, that crap has a name? It was known universally in my elementary school as "that nasty black and orange candy."

[WhyNot]

What's funny is that if we were allowed to TOT as adults, I'd love that. In fact, the perfect adult treat would be...
Beer.

As for the worst treat, I once got a can of peas. I don't think it was the plan, I think they ran out of candy and started emptying the larder.

If I REALLY wanted to piss EVERYONE off, I'd hand out the neopagan "Chick tracts". Piss of the real Chick trackers, the trick or treaters and the nice Christian folks in the neighborhood all at once.

[Bobotheoptimist]

Beer.

As for the worst treat, I once got a can of peas. I don't think it was the plan, I think they ran out of candy and started emptying the larder.

If I REALLY wanted to piss EVERYONE off, I'd hand out the neopagan "Chick tracts". Piss of the real Chick trackers, the trick or treaters and the nice Christian folks in the neighborhood all at once.If you ever find (or make) these, I'd love to hand them out. Tape a full size Snickers to each one, not like those cheapskates with the Dum-Dums and Chick Tracts.

Dennis McKinsey (of Biblical Errancy fame) has some anti-bible handouts that have tempted me for years.

[WhyNot]

If you ever find (or make) these, I'd love to hand them out. Tape a full size Snickers to each one, not like those cheapskates with the Dum-Dums and Chick Tracts.
Really? Okay, the order form link is at the bottom of the page! (http://www.aquatabch.org/afwe/antitracts.php) There are two, "The Other People" and "Heathens Idolize School Prayer". Blessed be!

ETA: Just to be clear, I didn't write them. I did receive one of "The Other People" at a party once, and nearly threw it out in disgust before I actually read it.

[buckgully]

Suddenly I have a use for the box of shrinkwrapped Windows NT 3.5 install media that have been sitting in my garage since I left my previous job. They were in my cube because nobody knew what to do with them, and when I left someone loaded the box into my car with my personal stuff. I think that was meant as a joke.

"Here you go, kids! It's even got a certificate of authenticity with a real hologram! Be sure to stop at Hpyno-Toads' house to get the discs you'll need for internet access!"

Is there something you could spray onto your house ahead of time to make cleaning off eggs easier?

[Guinastasia]

coupons,

Huh. One of the houses in my cousins' neighborhood (we always went around together) passed out McDonalds coupons one year. That was pretty cool.


How about fried eggs wrapped in little plastic baggies? Yumm-o!!!

I have no idea what you're talking about-link, please?

Those peanut butter taffy type candies in the black or orange waxed paper. I can eat an entire bag of these suckers.

I'll join you-love those things.

(Oh, and again, Quaker chocolate chip granola bars are yummy-my grandma used to keep them with the other junk food for us kids)


All right, how about:

Ex-Lax
Onions
Cloves of garlic (guaranteed to stink up your bag and ruin all of your candy!)
Ramen flavor packets
Nicorette
School milk cartons that have expired
Packs of Sweet'Low
Menstrual pads*
Used kleenex (although if you passed out unused, you could do what Willa Jean Kemp did when Ramona gave her a box)



*I once thought it would be fun to pass out tampons. No, I never did it, but I thought about it.

[Bobotheoptimist]

*I once thought it would be fun to pass out tampons. No, I never did it, but I thought about it.Tampons, those with the cardboard tube thingy that you can smack and send them shooting, make great depth-charges for sea battle reenactments - when they hit the water they poof up really cool.

Not sure my big sister has ever forgiven me for that.

[Cowgirl Jules]

This thread has reminded me that I should definitely move the cooler with the beer in it from the front porch this weekend.

Or there'd be some very happy trick-or-treaters, and one very sad cowgirl when I noticed the cooler was empty a hundred miles from nowhere.

[The Hamster King]

How about a big bowl 'o bullets?

"What caliber do you want kids? .38 or .45? Just one handful now ... save some for the kids behind you!"

[Siam Sam]

Better than getting a toothbrush :rolleyes:
Apple giver!

[krisolov]

I've gotten apples, Chick tracts, oatmeal cookies in baggies (hey, if they were chocolate chips we would have eaten them!), toothbrushes and oral hygiene kits, pennies, hard boiled eggs, those nasty peanut butter fudge in waxed paper thingies, and my personal nemesis Mary Janes (http://www.necco.com/OurBrands/Default.asp?BrandID=1).

[Guinastasia]

I've gotten apples, Chick tracts, oatmeal cookies in baggies (hey, if they were chocolate chips we would have eaten them!), toothbrushes and oral hygiene kits, pennies, hard boiled eggs, those nasty peanut butter fudge in waxed paper thingies, and my personal nemesis Mary Janes (http://www.necco.com/OurBrands/Default.asp?BrandID=1).


Hey, I LIKE Mary Janes!

When I was little, you were told NEVER to eat homemade treats, or anything opened. It might have been hysteria, but then again, if you had someone who made it with expired milk or whatever...

[Siam Sam]

I always hated getting Pixie Sticks in my halloween bag. Guaranteed to not make it home intact. When I'd dump out my bag at the end of the night, everything was covered with broken Pixie Stick dust.
This reminds me of a case in Houston in which this kid got a cyanide-laced Pixie stick in his bag and died. The parents were devastated. The father made a such a moving eulogy at the funeral service that the entire audience was reduced to tears. Then it turned out that the father was the one who laced the Pixie stick! Did it for the insurance payout. They executed him and good friggin' riddance.

[krisolov]

Hey, I LIKE Mary Janes!


um... you can have mine then.

[Shagnasty]

This reminds me of a case in Houston in which this kid got a cyanide-laced Pixie stick in his bag and died. The parents were devastated. The father made a such a moving eulogy at the funeral service that the entire audience was reduced to tears. Then it turned out that the father was the one who laced the Pixie stick! Did it for the insurance payout. They executed him and good friggin' riddance.

There was a Boston radio talk show that did a bit about that yesterday. The moral was that you shouldn't worry about strangers on Halloween, you should worry about your parents. Statistically, that is mostly true. They also said that he poisoned other kid's candy to make it look like some serial madman but they didn't like Pixie Sticks enough to actually eat them. That is about the strongest argument for the death penalty than I could ever come up with. Thank you Texas. May you burn in hell Mr. Pixie Stick Halloween Child Killer.

[NailBunny]

A tackle box and squash? That would rock! The squash could be used on the Chick Track house, and who doesn't love tackle boxes? You could organize your candy and carry it around...

Oh man, you were the luckiest kid ever!

I thought so, too! Our parents made us give everything back. :(

[Siam Sam]

They also said that he poisoned other kid's candy to make it look like some serial madman but they didn't like Pixie Sticks enough to actually eat them.
Yes! I remember that now. I believe that was part of what tripped him up. They all trick-or-treated together and remembered where the sticks came from. The father had added the cyanide to the kids' sticks somehow; I think he "offered" to look through the bags to make sure everything was safe. It was easy for the police to check the house in question, plus no one else reported cyanide.

[racer72]

My mother gave out little tubes of toothpaste one year. We lived out in the country and got very few trick or treaters. A few years ago I was given a large (100 packs) of hot chocolate, I gave them out with the candy. I picked up a big box of assorted kids meals goodies at a garage sale, I'm going to give them away with candy this year.

I just thought of something good. Today I stopped at an estate sale and they had a big bag of travel soaps, the kind you would find at hotels. I could hand out little bars of soap for Halloween. Nah, better not, I would probably find it used on my house the next morning.

[Siam Sam]

And I also remember that the rest of Death Row reportedly cheered when he was executed. You know you've done something really bad when that happens.

[Anaamika]

Tampons, those with the cardboard tube thingy that you can smack and send them shooting, make great depth-charges for sea battle reenactments - when they hit the water they poof up really cool.

Not sure my big sister has ever forgiven me for that.
That is an awesome story.

[Nzinga, Seated]

The worst treat was when they would sit a hug barrel of pennies on the porch with a sign that said, "Take Just One".

Even though the kids would always be heard to say, "come on, ya'll! He's a nice man, take just one, let's not be greedy", I always knew that by morning, someone would have taken advantage of the situation.

It used to annoy me because not only does it mean that some kid was an ass and a thief...but I also strongly suspected that whomever sat that barrel out there had some sort of a martyr complex.

I think the worst gift to give would be a handful of flour, salt and sugar and a note with a recipe for donut making.

[Sternvogel]

Back in Depression days, a few pennies actually would have been seen as a treat by most kids. However, my father claims that there were people in his neighborhood who'd put out a big bowl of Lincoln cents and invite the unwary trick-or-treater to grab a handful. I say "unwary" because the coins had just been heated in a frying pan on the stove, and the kids literally got burned for their "greed".

[Guinastasia]

Oh, and what's that laxative gum-feenamint or something?

[Harriet the Spry]

My mother actually did this for many years, and for all I know she still does. She would buy a big bag of mixed nuts in the shell - walnuts, brazil nuts, etc. Then she would get a black fine point marker and draw a little animal face and tail on each one. Each kid got one nut. Imagine their delight!

For the worst possible, I nominate clumps of clumping cat litter.

[Guinastasia]

My mother actually did this for many years, and for all I know she still does. She would buy a big bag of mixed nuts in the shell - walnuts, brazil nuts, etc. Then she would get a black fine point marker and draw a little animal face and tail on each one. Each kid got one nut. Imagine their delight!

For the worst possible, I nominate clumps of clumping cat litter.

Used kitty litter?

[gigi]

Do Not Want:
Candy corn!!!
Cow tails (?)I agree with you on the first, but the second? I'll take yours!

I still remember poor Helen. I wasn't allowed to go trick-or-treating and her mom thought this was sad and forced Helen to share her loot with me. I didn't know enough to politely decline. :smack:

[ataraxy22]

Some less savory ideas:

Bricks

leftover Easter Candy

leaking batteries

paper towel squares

hair clippings

packs of underwear (clean)

business cards

cans of kidney beans

sticks and leaves

lengths of wire or string

those sewing kits you get at hotels

[jellyblue]

Packets of Duck Sauce and Hot Mustard from Chinese takeout.
A teabag.
Sweet n' Low and Splenda.
A cigarette and a pack of matches.
:p

[jellyblue]

Oh, and I *loved* the squash! That would have cracked me up when I was a kid!

[zenith]

Oh, Jebus, that crap has a name? It was known universally in my elementary school as "that nasty black and orange candy."

My sisters and I always called them Peanut Butter Boogers!

[Hypno-Toad]

Used kitty litter?
Just say it's almond roca.

[RTFirefly]

Buy a few bags of frozen Brussels sprouts, and some snack-size zip-lock bags. Put 3-4 frozen Brussels sprouts in each zippie, and hand them out to the kids. Won't they be thrilled!

[Scumpup]

This year I am giving out Kraft carmel potatoes. I'll roll some in crushed nuts.

[Hypno-Toad]

Save your christmas and easter candy for giving out on the next halloween. Mmmmmm.

Scumpup, try some chocolate coated onions or garlic.

[gigi]

lengths of wire or string
Even better if they're too short to use (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=9086480&postcount=34).