My Letter to the Editor, re: "Intelligent" Design

[ambushed]

I am writing to vent my intelligently designed spleen over the recent news that the Godless heathens who call themselves the National Academy of Sciences have published a booklet, "Science, Evolution and Creationism", which calls into question God's final, unchanging truth of Intelligent Design Creationism.

We must end the monopoly that truth and facts hold in our public schools. Deception and falsehood have their place, too, surely. How else are children going to learn the value of Holy Lies if we do not force them down their innocent young throats? It is part of God's great Plan for His children.

All right-thinking people share my strong doubts about the very idea of teaching the sinful notions of reason, logic, and empirical evidence in our public schools. Beyond Genesis (and who needs more?), the facts that our great State keeps losing manufacturing jobs, does not have fine, upstanding, Christian Republicans like Dick DeVos to govern us, and even allows men to kiss each other, are more than ample proof that evolution is false.

As Edward Tillich of the famed Onion News-Paper writes: "Should we allow our citizens to become aware of facts which go against their chosen beliefs, it would cause untold turmoil and strife among our people!" We must avoid that fate at all costs, and if that includes surrendering truth, facts, and intellectual honesty, it is a small price to pay for staying Right with God.

- ambushed

---------------------------------------------------------------------

(God may not be mocked, as the Bible has it, but Creationists are sure as hell giving it a go anyway.)

[Lamar Mundane]

I am writing to vent my intelligently designed spleen over the recent news that the Godless heathens who call themselves the National Academy of Sciences have published a booklet, "Science, Evolution and Creationism", which calls into question God's final, unchanging truth of Intelligent Design Creationism.

We must end the monopoly that truth and facts hold in our public schools. Deception and falsehood have their place, too, surely. How else are children going to learn the value of Holy Lies if we do not force them down their innocent young throats? It is part of God's great Plan for His children.

All right-thinking people share my strong doubts about the very idea of teaching the sinful notions of reason, logic, and empirical evidence in our public schools. Beyond Genesis (and who needs more?), the facts that our great State keeps losing manufacturing jobs, does not have fine, upstanding, Christian Republicans like Dick DeVos to govern us, and even allows men to kiss each other, are more than ample proof that evolution is false.

As Edward Tillich of the famed Onion News-Paper writes: "Should we allow our citizens to become aware of facts which go against their chosen beliefs, it would cause untold turmoil and strife among our people!" We must avoid that fate at all costs, and if that includes surrendering truth, facts, and intellectual honesty, it is a small price to pay for staying Right with God.

- ambushed

---------------------------------------------------------------------

(God may not be mocked, as the Bible has it, but Creationists are sure as hell giving it a go anyway.)

Sarcasm and mockery are rarely a good strategy in these matters. Watch the PBS show on the Dover Case and see how straight factual rebuttals work so much better.

Also, your signature about Allen Iverson is wrong.

[Baldwin]

Sledgehammer-obvious sarcasm is annoying by itself; combine that with quoting somebody else's satirical work (with which the audience for your letter is probably unfamiliar) and you can expect to enlighten no one, annoy almost everyone, and possibly taint your own cause. Don't send this particular letter.

On the plus side: "vent my intelligently-designed spleen" is kind of clever.

Edited to correct typo.

[FinnAgain]

It reads like a sophomore's rant, a high school sophomore's rant... and I agree with your general position. File that sucker and try again.

[ambushed]

Sarcasm and mockery are rarely a good strategy in these matters. Watch the PBS show on the Dover Case and see how straight factual rebuttals work so much better.

Also, your signature about Allen Iverson is wrong.

Buffoon.

[you with the face]

I suggest that you get someone else to write your email rebuttals and letters.

[ambushed]

Sledgehammer-obvious sarcasm is annoying by itself; combine that with quoting somebody else's satirical work (with which the audience for your letter is probably unfamiliar) and you can expect to enlighten no one, annoy almost everyone, and possibly taint your own cause. Don't send this particular letter.

On the plus side: "vent my intelligently-designed spleen" is kind of clever.

Edited to correct typo.
I've already received some reader's responses.

This one from a Stanford microbiolgy professor, Craig Criddle:Dear 'ambushed', A very amusing bit of satire. Thanks for passing that along!
This is from another respected, if less well-known biological scientist:Jonathan Swift would rise and applaud your excellent satire, if not for repeatedly banging his noggin on the lid of his coffin when trying to do so.
So, I hope you don't mind if I ignore your criticism. Thank you, though, for the "kind of clever" remark.

[Duck Duck Goose]

[opens newspaper]
[reads letter to the editor]

Hmm...

I am writing to vent my intelligently designed spleen over the recent news that the Godless heathens who call themselves the National Academy of Sciences have published a booklet, "Science, Evolution and Creationism", which calls into question God's final, unchanging truth of Intelligent Design Creationism.

We must end the monopoly that truth and facts hold in our public schools. Deception and falsehood have their place, too, surely. How else are children going to learn the value of Holy Lies if we do not force them down their innocent young throats? It is part of God's great Plan for His children.

All right-thinking people share my strong doubts about the very idea of teaching the sinful notions of reason, logic, and empirical evidence in our public schools. Beyond Genesis (and who needs more?), the facts that our great State keeps losing manufacturing jobs, does not have fine, upstanding, Christian Republicans like Dick DeVos to govern us, and even allows men to kiss each other, are more than ample proof that evolution is false.

As Edward Tillich of the famed Onion News-Paper writes: "Should we allow our citizens to become aware of facts which go against their chosen beliefs, it would cause untold turmoil and strife among our people!" We must avoid that fate at all costs, and if that includes surrendering truth, facts, and intellectual honesty, it is a small price to pay for staying Right with God.

- ambushed

Wow.

I had no idea you were a Special Creationist.

Oh, wait. That was supposed to be sarcasm? It doesn't read that way. As has been proven many, many, MANY times on this very message board, sarcasm never makes it through the pixels. How many times has some otherwise innocuous GD or GQ thread ended in tears and warnings because someone posted something intended as sarcasm or irony, which someone else unfortunately failed to interpret as sarcasm or irony?

The sarcasm doesn't come through; what DOES come through, loud and clear, is yet another extreme right-wing religious nutcase All Scientists Are The Tools Of Satan And Must Be Destroyed letter-to-the-editor rant.

It's only sledgehammer-obvious sarcasm to the sort of people who would "get" the Onion reference, which lets out about 99% of newspaper-reading Americans.

ETA: I see you've gotten responses from two people who "got it". What you're not seeing is the small army of folks who read it, said, "Damn, that guy's good! And he's absolutely on the money about faggots kissing each other, too!" and then turned to the Sports section.

[MEBuckner]

Buffoon.
Moderator's Warning: Ambushed, this is a direct personal insult and is a violation of the rules in Great Debates. Don't do that again.

[Bridget Burke]

I've already received some reader's responses.

This one from a Stanford microbiolgy professor, Craig Criddle:
This is from another respected, if less well-known biological scientist:
So, I hope you don't mind if I ignore your criticism. Thank you, though, for the "kind of clever" remark.

I'm glad some of the readers caught the sarcasm.

But don't be surprised if you get KUDOS! from some Creationist Dumbasses. Of course, nothing you could have written would have influenced them....

[ambushed]

Moderator's Warning: Ambushed, this is a direct personal insult and is a violation of the rules in Great Debates. Don't do that again.
Sorry, my mistake. I pressed submit accidentally. It was supposed to read "I am such a buffoon".

I'll try not accidentally produce such a vicious personal attack ever again.

[PaulParkhead]

I thought it was funny. Maybe I'm just of a lower intellectual calibre.

I think I wouldn't send it to a newspaper, though. Too many readers would likely miss the joke.

[John Mace]

Sarcasm (well, good sarcasm) is a lot more than putting out a bunch of strawman arguments. Sorry, ambushed, but I'd be embarrassed to be on the same side of the debate as someone who argued thusly.

[PoorYorick]

So, I hope you don't mind if I ignore your criticism. Thank you, though, for the "kind of clever" remark.
I'm not sure of your purpose for putting your letter out here, then. Applause?

[Malacandra]

*goes through OP with fine-toothed comb*
*fails to find any semblance of a debate*
*agrees that ambushed was not intelligently designed*

[John Mace]

I've already received some reader's responses.

This one from a Stanford microbiolgy professor, Craig Criddle:
This is from another respected, if less well-known biological scientist:
So, I hope you don't mind if I ignore your criticism. Thank you, though, for the "kind of clever" remark.
So, you're witnessing for the anti-ID crowd? There doesn't seem to be any debate since you're not interested in criticism...

[Sprockets]

The problem I have with your letter is that only the ones who already get it are going to get it.

Education in the schools has always been based on science, not on faith or opinion. That's the only tack to take in regard to this issue, IMO.

Remember, these people are idiots or they wouldn't disbelieve evolution. This is not the only issue about which they have their heads where the sun don't shine. If they understand anything at all, it will be a basic concept using very small words. A concept like "science, not belief."

It reminds me of the time when I worked in an office that was targeted by visiting Moonies. All the conversation in the world wouldn't get rid of them. The only thing that worked was to look them in the eye and say "Turn around and leave."

This is the approach we have to take with the IDers, if we choose to take any approach at all. I personally think they are just annoying, like mosquitos.

---Sprocket, formerly Commonsense.

[Genghis Bob]

Not sure which publication you've written this for. Most papers that print letters to the editor ask that you stick to the facts, avoid personal insults, and try to highlight factors abou the issue not already brought into the debate. I suppose if the readership of your chosen outlet is small and um, "intellectual" enough, it'll go over big. Of course, with that crowd you'd be preachin' to the choir, anyway.

If you're writing for a general readership publication, the tone will confuse some and piss off others. If your intention is to sway people, I think it would go down in flames: zero converts.

[Voyager]

"No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public" as Mencken more or less said. During a period of turmoil in our school district, I wrote a satirical piece for the paper advocating that the way to improve test scores was to lay off the bottom 10% of students. Higher scores, less crowding, all good. I called it "A Modest Proposal for our Schools" but the headline writer, an illiterate, renamed it. I discovered that about half the people thought I was serious. (And no one objected :confused: )


Unless you have a reputation for satire, it won't work. You might get some creationists thanking you, though.

[AskNott]

It's nice that the paper published your letter, ambushed. You didn't say what the paper was. I'm a little surprised they let "Holy Lies" slip through.

Oh, by the way, I think you spelled "bassoon" wrong. ;)

[tnetennba]

As a college student I wrote a similarly sarcastic piece in support of "blue laws" as God's day of rest and did, in fact, get thank you letters from people who actually agreed with every word. Tricky thing, dry wit.

[BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed]

Is it me, or is the fact that "Holy Lies" are going to be "forced down" throats make it absurdly obvious what side he's on, no matter how skewed your perceptions are. I can't imagine a creationist reading this and saying, "Yeah, those kids aren't getting enough Holy Lies! Thanks for writing this." How is the sarcasm not obvious?

That being said, because the sarcasm is so obvious, I find it a bit weak. I prefer my sarcasm both subtle and cutting. Maybe you can mention how facts have a well-known liberal bias?

[ambushed]

As I remarked elsewhere...

And as for the howling, vicious, ugly cretins who can't take a joke over in the GD Letter to the Editor satire about ID, and who've been being so moronically "droll" and abusing me for nothing more serious than a fun little lark of a letter to the god-damned editorial page of a small city in the Midwest?

I have a few things to say about that:

(1) The attackers are unbelievably childish and juvenile and lack any adult sense of humor -- though they pretend to have one far superior to everyone else's, and I feel the style is moderately reminiscent of the Onion,

(2) On those attack responses, I'm inclined to the level of cynicism I've seen around here; i.e, who the fuck cares what they think? I didn't post in in GD for a debate on humor for Bob's sake! I posted it there to see if some Creationist took exception and wanted to argue with me!

(3) After two exceptional biological scientists, known for their own exceptional wit -- one of them the famed Stanford microbiology and ecology professor and expert on Book of Mormon authorship, Dr. Craig Criddle, who has written a well-known humorous yet accurate book on chemistry -- say things including: Jonathan Swift would rise and applaud your excellent satire, if not for repeatedly banging his noggin on the lid of his coffin when trying to do so.... I really can't imagine that any criticism is justified in the least!

They're just being juvenile, petty, assholes. Let 'em have their fun at my expense. Unless I melt from their oh so witty, ever-so-valid and well-informed brainpiss, I think I'll stand with those respected scientists' opinions...

[FinnAgain]

Decaf.

[Malacandra]

(2) On those attack responses, I'm inclined to the level of cynicism I've seen around here; i.e, who the fuck cares what they think? I didn't post in in GD for a debate on humor for Bob's sake! I posted it there to see if some Creationist took exception and wanted to argue with me!


You've missed the edit window, of course, but I think you misspelled "to say 'Look at me, I'm wonderful!' "

When I write a brilliant letter to a newspaper or magazine, I don't find it necessary to run off to the Dope to brag about it. :rolleyes:

[MEBuckner]

As I remarked elsewhere...

And as for the howling, vicious, ugly cretins who can't take a joke over in the GD Letter to the Editor satire about ID, and who've been being so moronically "droll" and abusing me for nothing more serious than a fun little lark of a letter to the god-damned editorial page of a small city in the Midwest?

I have a few things to say about that:

(1) The attackers are unbelievably childish and juvenile and lack any adult sense of humor -- though they pretend to have one far superior to everyone else's, and I feel the style is moderately reminiscent of the Onion
Moderator's Warning: Ambushed, you need to either cool it or else confine your postings to the Pit; keep this up and you'll lose your posting privileges (temporarily and then permanently). In the meantime, this thread is closed.