I pit my roommate, redux

[Smapti]

Some of you may remember this thread from last September, (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=435778&highlight=roommate) wherein I discussed "Dee", my roommate/girlfriend, deciding to have loud sex with another man while I was trying to sleep in my adjacent bedroom. We worked things out to my satisfaction after that and since then it seemed like our relationship was going pretty well, up until last week.

Last Friday (the 11th), she and an old female friend of hers went on a ladies' night out. This is nothing unusual, and i'm perfectly fine with it. She didn't come back that night, which is a bit unusual, but sometimes she stays over with her friend after a night out, so everything still seemed fine. When she came home the next afternoon, however, the problems started. Accompanying her was a man i've never met before, who we'll call "Sam". Aside from introducing me to him, she didn't tell me anything about him at the time. Later conversations with her similarly gleaned little information - he's from Alaska, he's in town visiting his parents, and he's "a friend" of hers in some way. I got a strange vibe from the situation right away, but he seemed like a nice enough guy, and after I hung out with them for a few hours I had to go to bed early in preparation for an early shift at work the next day.

I woke up on Sunday morning, and as I was going about my morning victuals, I noticed Sam's shoes were still sitting by the front door. Our new guest room (which Dee just set up and is very proud of) was empty, which could only mean one thing - he was sleeping in her room, in her bed. (Cue groaning.)

It gets worse.

Over the past week, she's since spent pretty much every minute of her day with him. He leaves with her when she goes to work in the morning, he comes home with her in the afternoon, and goes to sleep in her bedroom. During this time, she's been avoiding me whenever possible and brushing me aside when not,
she's cancelled plans to see her other friends, and she generally spends as much of her time as possible locked in the bedroom with him. One of our mutual friends had an online conversation with her today where she was nothing short of cavalier about the entire thing, referring to Sam as "her penis du jour" and telling our friend that I could "cry in my cheerios" if I wasn't happy about it.

It gets still worse.

I had a conversation this morning with a second mutual friend of ours, who i'll call "Greg". I met Greg through Dee about two years ago - she's told me of him that they've known each other for years and they have a completely Platonic relationship, and that he's slept in her bed before but she'd never think of having sex with him. Greg also knew Dee was spending all her time with Sam and was pretty agitated about it as well, and told me that he felt hurt and insulted by the whole affair. His words were so emotional and heartfelt, I asked him if he had romantic feelings for her. His response - not only did he, but he'd been dating her on and off for the entire time her and I have had our relationship! When I asked him if he knew about Dee and I, he answered in the negative - she'd also told him, apparently, that she and I were platonic friends who liked to have dinner and play laser tag sometimes.

That's the story.

WHAT. THE. FUCK?!?!?!?!

I could dismiss the incident with Scott last September as a drunken mistake and a misunderstanding of boundaries, but this is just plain beyond the pale. Who the fuck invites a perfect stranger into the house one shares with a significant other and then spends a week having sex with him, while ignoring and mocking that SO for feeling slighted by it? Who the fuck has two simultaneous long-term relationships with people who know each other, lies to each of them about the other, and acts totally oblivious to the fact that they both have romantic feelings for her? How can ANYONE be so oblivious, capricious, and fickle?

I've known Dee for years and in all this time I never thought her capable of something like this. I know we're not married or even engaged and we don't even sleep in the same bed most of the time, but goddamn it I feel like i've been cheated on in the worst sort of way, like i've been treated like a plaything and tossed aside when something new and exotic came along. Have I never been anything more to her than a "penis du jour"? Do my feelings not even matter? I'm through playing these games and i'm through with her, and if she thinks i'm going to be there for her after her little fucktoy flies back to Anchorage she's sorely mistaken.

[AngelicGemma]

Wow. That's fucked up.

[saoirse]

Look at it this way: Now, it's not a matter of speculation. You know what she's up to, and what to expect. Move on. Out, if you have to.

[Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor]

Get out now.
This can only end in tears.
And vomit.
And possibly blood.

[Cat Fight]

I don't quite understand. Were you two once dating and now just roomies or are you now (or up until now), uh, 'boyfriend and girlfriend'? In an open relationship? What did your friends think? Don't they gossip? I can't figure out how you and 'Greg' didn't figure things out beforehand. What a mess. I just hope you're under 25.

[SmartAleq]

You know, I'm going to go way out on a limb here and speculate that she just might not be that into you.

But then again, I think a whole bunch of people already told you that the last time.

Sorry for your pain, and if I were you I'd get my shit tested.

[BoBettie]

I don't quite understand. Were you two once dating and now just roomies or are you now (or up until now), uh, 'boyfriend and girlfriend'? In an open relationship? What did your friends think? Don't they gossip? I can't figure out how you and 'Greg' didn't figure things out beforehand. What a mess. I just hope you're under 25.

My thoughts exactly. WTF on all accounts. Get out and forget you ever knew her. And get checked for STDs, STAT.

[AuntiePam]

A friend's wife cheated on him. She lost her job, and her boyfriend lost his job, and since they had nowhere to go, my friend let them move in with him. He said nothing kills love quicker than listening to your wife have sex with another guy.

Everyone thought he was nuts for sharing his home with them, but he said if he hadn't, he might still be pining for her.

Make of that what you will.

[Smapti]

I don't quite understand. Were you two once dating and now just roomies or are you now (or up until now), uh, 'boyfriend and girlfriend'? In an open relationship? What did your friends think? Don't they gossip? I can't figure out how you and 'Greg' didn't figure things out beforehand. What a mess. I just hope you're under 25.

We were dating for about two years before I moved in in August. Our relationship wasn't a steady boyfriend-girlfriend one in the typical sense, but I didn't see anyone else during the time, and (so she told me) neither did she. I only met Greg through Dee and we don't really interact much aside from when the three of us are all hanging out together.

And for the record, I'm 25 exactly.

[BubbaDog]

This could be quite tricky but you may be able to determine the real problem with a quick examination.

Check the base of your penis and see if there is a fleshy part just below it. It you fondle around with that fleshy part you may discover that it has no hard sections. There should be two lumpy, solid pieces floating within the fleshy part. Yours are probably missing. They are known as stones.

If you can somehow get them to grow back, you will realize that it's time to move on.

[Gaudere]

I think Smapti wins the award (it's a bronze doormat) for Most NonConfrontational in an Exclusive Relationship. So, your girlfriend is cheating on you right IN YOUR OWN HOME and you put up with it for SEVEN days without any sort of nuclear-level showdown?

[Heffalump and Roo]

There's a missing memo between that last thread and this one. Maybe Dee didn't get the memo either.

Here's you in the last thread:

For about two years i've had an intimate relationship with a woman who i'll call Dee. We've been seeing each other a few times a month and it's never gone past a "friends-with-benefits" state, which i'm pretty happy with to be honest, as neither of us have expressed any interest in going any further than that. I haven't been seeing anyone else during this time, but it's been implied - if not stated outright - that she's been seeing other guys during this time, and I haven't really had a problem with that either.


ETA: oops, forgot to mention . . bold added

Here's you in the current thread:

I know we're not married or even engaged and we don't even sleep in the same bed most of the time, but goddamn it I feel like i've been cheated on in the worst sort of way

Not married or engaged? According to you in the last thread, you're not even dating. You're just friends-with-benefits. If you've moved past that to the exclusive stage, you need to send out a loud and clear message that you would like to change the nature of the relationship and see if she agrees. If that hasn't happened, I'm not sure why you're upset. If that has happened (which I doubt), then you need to ask if she's changing the nature of your agreement. But you can't have it both ways--expecting her to be exclusive without making a commitment yourself--it doesn't work that way. But if she has made the commitment and broken it, then I can see why you'd be upset. But then I'm guessing she'd see why you were upset as well.

I remember that thread very well. I remember thinking that you're much more emotionally involved than you want to admit. This last incident seemed inevitable.

And btw, the fact that Dee hadn't been seeing anyone in the two years that you hadn't been seeing anyone doesn't make the commitment. A commitment is NOT a default position just because people haven't slept with others it means that they're committed to you.

[Smapti]

After the incident in September, she told me that she hadn't been with anyone else during the period we'd been seeing each other. We agreed (at least I THOUGHT we agreed) not to see other people after that.

Call me stupid (you're stupid!), but I didn't confront her sooner because I thought there wasn't any sex going on. I hadn't heard any sounds of sex coming from her room and, given the lack of information she'd given me, I considered there might be platonic reasons for their sharing a bedroom. It wasn't until I saw the "penis du jour" remark that I was sure.

Oh, and by the way, it's OVER.

[saoirse]

This is why roommates with benefits is a bad idea. It is way too easy for one person to use the other as a fallback emergency screw. And it's far too easy for the other person to think that they have some sort of meaningful arrangement. You participated in this as much as she did, so there's not much point in getting pissed. You live and learn, so it's time to move on.

[Rhubarb]

I know you didn't ask for my advice, but I soooo love giving it.

I see three basic choices for you;

1.) Move out and move on. Look for a more satisfying relationship elsewhere.

2.) Bring home your own "vagina-du-jour" for a week or two. Make sure she's noticeably hotter than "Dee". Never sleep with "Dee" again and start cultivating new friends with benefits. Move out at the end of the lease.

3.) Put up with her shit.

[thirdwarning]

After the incident in September, she told me that she hadn't been with anyone else during the period we'd been seeing each other. We agreed (at least I THOUGHT we agreed) not to see other people after that.

She told you what she thought you wanted to hear. Or maybe you heard what you wanted to hear. She's been using you, she's been using Greg, and she's been using the guys she brings home.

Don't just say it over, make it stick.

[Zabali_Clawbane]

You need to go to your doctor, or the Health Department, and get a FULL checkup for STDs, *NOW*! Mention the names of the ones that you know she's slept with, because if you did catch something from her, they'll want to know who else has been put at risk if it's bad enough.

[saoirse]

I think this whole OMG STDs! thing is a little overblown. Smapti is no more likely to have caught an STD from this woman than from someone he picked up in bar. I would assume that he would practice safe sex with anyone outside of a committed relationship. You should get checked for STDs out of concern for your own health, not as some moral judgement of someone else's behavior.

[Zabali_Clawbane]

Remember though, he thought the relationship was exclusive after the drunken incident.

[Justin Credible]

Smapti, I have known girls like that in the past. They are bad news. You definately need to make a clean break from her and move out as soon as you can. If you can move out now, do it. And don't talk to her at all, don't even give her the time of day. She will manipulate you if you let her. If you have a lease you cannot break, or if there is some other reason that you can't move out right now, you should still start looking for a new place to get ready for when you can leave. And DO NOT get/stay involved with her, or all of this stuff will just happen all over again someday.

[Cat Whisperer]

<snip>if she thinks i'm going to be there for her after her little fucktoy flies back to Anchorage she's sorely mistaken.
I bet she isn't.

[Typo Negative]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Smapti
After the incident in September, she told me that she hadn't been with anyone else during the period we'd been seeing each other. We agreed (at least I THOUGHT we agreed) not to see other people after that.

How is this a good thing?? Why would either of you agree to this? Is your town underpopulated? Is there a roommate shortage?

Strike that. I get why you would agree to it. You get a little every now and then and don't have to a be boyfriend all the time. Not very fulfilling, but to each his own.

But I cannot understand why she would agree to it. Sounds like she wants something more serious. And there is nothing wrong with that.

It is time for one of you to leave.

[Jayn_Newell]

Strike that. I get why you would agree to it. You get a little every now and then and don't have to a be boyfriend all the time. Not very fulfilling, but to each his own.

But I cannot understand why she would agree to it. Sounds like she wants something more serious. And there is nothing wrong with that.
It sounds the opposite to me--he wanted to have a more serious relationship with her, and thought they had a more committed one than they do/did. She sounds like she wanted a fuck buddy, and doesn't particularly care about his feelings or desires. IOW, she's a manipulative bitch.

[Typo Negative]

It sounds the opposite to me--he wanted to have a more serious relationship with her, and thought they had a more committed one than they do/did. .From his first thread:We've been seeing each other a few times a month and it's never gone past a "friends-with-benefits" state, which i'm pretty happy with to be honest, as neither of us have expressed any interest in going any further than that.

His definition of their relationship going pretty well in this OP was that they were semi-exclusive fuck-buddies. If he wants to have a real relationship with this woman, he has to step and say so. (and you are probably right in saying that he does)

Otherwise.....it's just too painful to consider.

[A Priori Tea]

Caveat: your story sounds a lot like the "his side" of a breakup I've been in, with a person whom I continue to :rolleyes: about on the rare occasions he comes up in conversation. So take this with a grain of salt (perhaps the entire shaker), because my opinion is biased.

If you just "think" that you had an agreement, chances are good that you didn't. You heard what you wanted to hear, and extrapolated that into "she's not sleeping with anybody else." Hell, she may be the sort of person who attracts lots of guys who want to be her one and only - that's something she's going to have to learn to deal with in a more productive way.

Any way it goes, though, there are fundamental problems in how it seems that you've communicated with her, and she with you. Stop assuming things, stop having unclear expectations, and get really, really clear on what the exact boundaries of the relationship are. If you can't live with those boundaries, get out - but don't start handing out blame and accusations of "cheating" until and unless you're quite sure that you and she were on the same page re: monogamy to begin with. Side note on communication: if you tell her you want something, and she doesn't agree, that doesn't mean that you can continue to expect it. Until and unless you have her clear, unambiguous agreement to abide by the expectation, it's not binding on her. On re-read: while I've skewed this paragraph strongly towards your responsibility, keep in mind that she is responsible, too - for clear communication, for boundary-setting, and for making sure that her expectations and yours line up. I'm not trying to say it's all your fault, just trying to point out that miscommunication leads to a lot of situations like this, and you can only fix yours - not hers.

Also, a question: how did you find out about "penis du jour" in her conversation with a completely separate person? Why is it that you know the contents of her other conversations? (I don't want to outright accuse you of snooping, because the mutual friend could simply have told you... but I wonder.)

I agree that if she's explicitly told both you and Greg that she's not sleeping with anyone else, that that's fucked up. If it's the case that she's lied, she needs to clean up her damn act and quit lying to her partners. However, you may want to be certain that it's a case of her lying, and not a case of both of you extrapolating a little too heavily, before you come to judgment.

In any case, I wholeheartedly agree with the advice to get the hell out of this situation. It's obvious that it's not healthy or productive for either of you, and it's time to put the time and energy you are using on this "relationship" to better use.

[astro]

I really don't get the "she's a bad news slut" vibe here. You have a standing, somewhat passive, FWB arrangement which worked fine so long she wasn't actually screwing anyone in front of you.

What precisely is your expectation of how delicately she should be handling your feelings in this case? You have no moral or ethical claim on her, or her sexual relationships whatsoever. She's given you very clear signals she is not that into you as a long term prospect, and to be honest with you most (not all) women would not consider a man who is willing to let them date around as prime SO material. It's not mature, cool and sophisticated, it's dormatty.

She's not at fault here, you are for having silly and unrealistic expectations of how she should behave.

In any case all this is moot in the end. It's obviously getting intolerable for you. You need to move out or she does.

[Heffalump and Roo]

Call me stupid (you're stupid!), but I didn't confront her sooner because I thought there wasn't any sex going on. I hadn't heard any sounds of sex coming from her room and, given the lack of information she'd given me, I considered there might be platonic reasons for their sharing a bedroom. It wasn't until I saw the "penis du jour" remark that I was sure.
Just a suggestion. In your next sexually exclusive relationship, you might want to consider the possibility that sex is happening if someone sleeps in your SO's bed with them in your house. If the relationship were truly platonic, this person could have slept on the couch, on the floor or even in your bed while *you* slept with your SO.

Oh, and by the way, it's OVER.
Yes, if you truly had an exclusive relationship with Dee, she's made it quite clear that it went the way of the dinosaurs.

Sorry if I don't sound more sympathetic, but like a few people here, I think you did more than your fair share to create the situation.

Any way it goes, though, there are fundamental problems in how it seems that you've communicated with her, and she with you. Stop assuming things, stop having unclear expectations, and get really, really clear on what the exact boundaries of the relationship are. If you can't live with those boundaries, get out - but don't start handing out blame and accusations of "cheating" until and unless you're quite sure that you and she were on the same page re: monogamy to begin with. Side note on communication: if you tell her you want something, and she doesn't agree, that doesn't mean that you can continue to expect it. Until and unless you have her clear, unambiguous agreement to abide by the expectation, it's not binding on her. On re-read: while I've skewed this paragraph strongly towards your responsibility, keep in mind that she is responsible, too - for clear communication, for boundary-setting, and for making sure that her expectations and yours line up. I'm not trying to say it's all your fault, just trying to point out that miscommunication leads to a lot of situations like this, and you can only fix yours - not hers.
How is it that you can say exactly what I'm thinking but more succinctly? That was dead-on, IMO.

You need to move out or she does.
IIRC, he moved into her place.

[Really Not All That Bright]

Sorry, man, but you brought this on yourself.

If you get involved in a relationship with foggy boundaries, you can't get surprised if one of you finds yourself outside them.

[Boozahol Squid, P.I.]

Dude, it doesn't matter if anybody here thinks you're stupid. It doesn't matter what your roommate/FWB/pseudogirlfriend thought the status of your relationship was.

What matters is that in your mind you were cheated on. You're not going to be able to view this in any way other than that, so work from there:

So do what everyone else has said, and leave the cheating bitch.

Best of luck, man.

[Sleeps With Butterflies]

Dude, it doesn't matter if anybody here thinks you're stupid. It doesn't matter what your roommate/FWB/pseudogirlfriend thought the status of your relationship was.

What matters is that in your mind you were cheated on. You're not going to be able to view this in any way other than that, so work from there:

So do what everyone else has said, and leave the cheating bitch.

Best of luck, man.

Brilliant. Doesn't matter what reality is, just what you think it is! That way we can hang tags on people like "cheating bitch" and feel good about it.

Sounds like the OP has done a lot of assuming and guessing. From the info provided, it sure didn't sound like he had any type of real relationship with this woman besides fuck buddy.

[Boozahol Squid, P.I.]

Brilliant. Doesn't matter what reality is, just what you think it is! That way we can hang tags on people like "cheating bitch" and feel good about it.

Sounds like the OP has done a lot of assuming and guessing. From the info provided, it sure didn't sound like he had any type of real relationship with this woman besides fuck buddy.

Yeah. It doesn't matter what the 'reality' of the situation is, in terms of how he deals with it. No matter what you or anyone else says, or tries to convince Smapti of, he's going through the same emotional response of a cheated-upon boyfriend. So we should counsel him in that light.

ETA: Hanging the 'cheating bitch' tag on someone has always made me feel better. You oughta try it sometimes... blaming others is a remarkably effective way of getting over them

[Nava]

I think this whole OMG STDs! thing is a little overblown. Smapti is no more likely to have caught an STD from this woman than from someone he picked up in bar. I would assume that he would practice safe sex with anyone outside of a committed relationship. You should get checked for STDs out of concern for your own health, not as some moral judgement of someone else's behavior.

But if he hasn't been practicing safe sex with her because he thought they were in a commited relationship, or if their idea of safe sex is "don't worry honey I'm on The Pill", and given that she's been playing around, he needs to get tested. Plus, safe sex is safer than condom-less sex, it's not 100% safe.

When I found out my bf had been playing around I got my veins to the nearest testing place so fast I should'a been ticketed for breaking mach in a car :p We'd been using condoms, but hey, in theory, we'd also been "in a commited relationship."

[Muffin]

Turn lemons into lemonade -- pimp her out for extra cash.

[SomeUserName]

From the last post and this post I don't see where this girl was ever your "girlfriend".

It sounds like she was just a fuck buddy which you yourself state you had no problems with but you really wanted more and in your mind saw it that way but she did not. Then when she started bringing other men home you got pissed but you really had no right to, other than being rude by making loud sex noises, as you were never commited to each other. It sounds like she had the same type of relationship with Greg.

Now you and Greg are sort of scratching your heads and wondering were the hell this Sam came in and why she is suddenly turning all her attention at him.

This girl seems to get bored easy and makes up for it by switching fuck buddies. If they are just fuck buddies than she has ever right to I suppose but "whore" comes to mind.

My best advice is to move out and move on. If that is not possible right now then I would set your sights on a new lady. Get over it and don't let her drag you back into her bed nor invite her to yours. Keep it as strickly roommates.

[Labrador Deceiver]

I bet she isn't.

Very well put.

No way in hell I'm taking that bet.

[Nutty Bunny]

I hadn't heard any sounds of sex coming from her room and, given the lack of information she'd given me, I considered there might be platonic reasons for their sharing a bedroom. It wasn't until I saw the "penis du jour" remark that I was sure.

Actually, the way to be sure that her sharing a bed wasn't platonic is that she's over the age of 10 and/or the guy is not gay.

I'm glad it's over because if I had to read about this happening again, I think my head might explode.

[saoirse]

But if he hasn't been practicing safe sex with her because he thought they were in a commited relationship, or if their idea of safe sex is "don't worry honey I'm on The Pill", and given that she's been playing around, he needs to get tested.

I'm assuming that he was never foolish enough to go bareback with her. He mentions nothing about it in this thread or the previous one. Maybe we should assume the guy has a little sense.

Plus, safe sex is safer than condom-less sex, it's not 100% safe.


Obviously, but again that's true always, not just with evil spider-women.

[Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor]

Sounds like the OP has done a lot of assuming and guessing. From the info provided, it sure didn't sound like he had any type of real relationship with this woman besides fuck buddy.

Sure he does.

He's her doormat.

[brazil84]

WHAT. THE. FUCK?!?!?!?!

Dude, you gotta be trolling.

But anyway, I suggest you do a google search for "cuckoldry forums" and share your story there. I bet you'll get a lot of helpful suggestions.

;)

[SomeUserName]

Sure he does.

He's her doormat.

I used to know a girl like this one. I was not a friend of hers but she had men always wrapped around her finger. I heard she never had sex with them. That was what she used to get them to do her bidding. She worked at a local pizza place for like 10 hours a week and mostly lived off her child support check while her son lived with her parents.

Buy her drinks, "loan" her money, pick up her kid, give her rides, a place to crash, protect her from other suitors that she had tossed away and were now pissed. The story I heard was that she had a steady boyfriend that she lived with but used all these other men to have extra fun that her boyfriend would not supply the money for but at the end of the night she would be back wth him.

It was actually embarrassing to watch her sit at the bar with the latest patsy while three past patsies sat several stools down from her. I remember one that kept going back when she was in between victims. He had such low self esteem that she walked all over him and doormat was the only thing that came to mind when you saw him. Just having her sit next to him and talk to him made him feel superior when in reality he looked like an idiot to the rest of us.

[Cat Whisperer]

I'm assuming that he was never foolish enough to go bareback with her. He mentions nothing about it in this thread or the previous one. Maybe we should assume the guy has a little sense. <snip>
Based on what?

[Bryan Ekers]

Who the fuck invites a perfect stranger into the house one shares with a significant other and then spends a week having sex with him, while ignoring and mocking that SO for feeling slighted by it?

You assume way too much.

You're an IO, at best.

[bbs2k]

Did you at least get to fuck her in the ass?!

What'd it sound like?

Details! Concerned parties from the previous thread need to know.

[DiosaBellissima]

You are WAY too obsessed with this girl who clearly just wants to be fuck buddies (if that) with you. Frankly, your behavior is incredibly creepy. Move on, dude.

[saoirse]

Based on what?

A general principle of assuming people aren't utter morons until they indicate that they are.

[Wolfian]

Yeah. It doesn't matter what the 'reality' of the situation is, in terms of how he deals with it. No matter what you or anyone else says, or tries to convince Smapti of, he's going through the same emotional response of a cheated-upon boyfriend. So we should counsel him in that light.

ETA: Hanging the 'cheating bitch' tag on someone has always made me feel better. You oughta try it sometimes... blaming others is a remarkably effective way of getting over them
I reject your reality and substitute my own.

[Plynck]

Just a suggestion. In your next sexually exclusive relationship, you might want to consider the possibility that sex is happening if someone sleeps in your SO's bed with them in your house. If the relationship were truly platonic, this person could have slept on the couch, on the floor or even in your bed while *you* slept with your SO.Perhaps we've gone back to the more wholesome times of Lucy and Desi in separate beds, but I'm trying to understand how you think of her as anything other than a roommate if she has her own bedroom.

[Vinyl Turnip]

A general principle of assuming people aren't utter morons until they indicate that they are.
I've got a different principle to tell you about. You won't believe the time you'll save!

[Happy Scrappy Hero Pup]

Dude-

She's fucking other people.

You don't want her to fuck other people.

But she's obviously going to keep fucking other people.

So...


a. Stop fucking her, find someone else who wants to fuck only you

or

b. Fuck her when she'll let you and put up with the others when she won't.



Choosing either option will make you feel bad. But I guarantee you that you'll stop feeling bad about (a) long before you stop feeling bad about (b).

But, if you do decide to go with (b), quit your fucking whining. Because now you know it's coming. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me- and all that.


Oh, and IMHO, it doesn't really matter what relationship you had versus what relationship you think you had. You, Smpati, don't have the relationship you WANT, and (and I cannot stress this enough) you aren't going to get the relationship you want. So stop trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear and either suck it up or move on.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

Oh, and by the way, it's OVER.
"You can't fire me, I QUIT!"


It never started, dude. She was never your "SO." She was just a roommate who sometimes let you fuck her. It sounds like you've had some difficulty handling that concept in the past and freaked out on her when she decided to proceed with the terms you had already both agreed to.

Let this be a lesson about "friends with benefits." Maybe it can work sometimes but as often as not, one person ends up getting more emotionally attached than the other.

[wring]

yea, agreeing w/DIo - in order for "It's over" to be true, there had to be an "it" started. Don't see that there was.

[Cat Whisperer]

A general principle of assuming people aren't utter morons until they indicate that they are.
You totally stepped on my snark. See, my point was that smapti proved he had very little sense in the first thread on this subject, and now he's slamdunked it and spiked the ball. In my opinion, of course.

[saoirse]

You totally stepped on my snark. See, my point was that smapti proved he had very little sense in the first thread on this subject, and now he's slamdunked it and spiked the ball. In my opinion, of course.

Oh. fair enough then. I still maintain, though, that we're talking about two completely different brands of stupid.

[fisha]

Oh. fair enough then. I still maintain, though, that we're talking about two completely different brands of stupid.

There's a lot of cross pollination with stupid.

[Cat Whisperer]

Oh. fair enough then. I still maintain, though, that we're talking about two completely different brands of stupid.
Hmm, good question. I think the stupid probably has a lot of carry-over - not interfacing with reality, wishful thinking, making bad decisions - all present in both situations.

[Heffalump and Roo]

Oh. fair enough then. I still maintain, though, that we're talking about two completely different brands of stupid.
For those of us playing along at home, what are the different brands of stupid? There's more than one brand? Why am I thinking of different kinds of ketchup. . .so alike but with different labels?

[Malacandra]

I know you didn't ask for my advice, but I soooo love giving it.

I see three basic choices for you;

1.) Move out and move on. Look for a more satisfying relationship elsewhere.

2.) Bring home your own "vagina-du-jour" for a week or two. Make sure she's noticeably hotter than "Dee". Never sleep with "Dee" again and start cultivating new friends with benefits. Move out at the end of the lease.

3.) Put up with her shit.

I've got five simoleons here saying that if this kid could get any vagina du jour, he wouldn't be settling for being Dee's fallback penis. :dubious:

It's tragic the shit you'll put up with when you're twenty-five and think you can't get any pussy elsewhere.

[Scissorjack]

I bet she isn't.

He could always follow her up to Anchorage: north, to a lass-cur.

[iamthewalrus(:3=]

I had a conversation this morning with a second mutual friend of ours, who i'll call "Greg". I met Greg through Dee about two years ago - she's told me of him that they've known each other for years and they have a completely Platonic relationship, and that he's slept in her bed before but she'd never think of having sex with him. Greg also knew Dee was spending all her time with Sam and was pretty agitated about it as well, and told me that he felt hurt and insulted by the whole affair. His words were so emotional and heartfelt, I asked him if he had romantic feelings for her. His response - not only did he, but he'd been dating her on and off for the entire time her and I have had our relationship! When I asked him if he knew about Dee and I, he answered in the negative - she'd also told him, apparently, that she and I were platonic friends who liked to have dinner and play laser tag sometimes.
I only met Greg through Dee and we don't really interact much aside from when the three of us are all hanging out together.So, just to be perfectly clear:

Both you and Greg thought you were dating this girl, exclusively, for the last two years, and you sometimes hang out together. Are you and Greg blind or retarded? How is it possible to hang out in mixed company both thinking you have the same girlfriend for years?! The average character in a sitcom can't even keep that kind of masquerade up for 10 minutes.

[bbs2k]

I still want to know about your butt sex.

:(

[Giraffe]

I still want to know about your butt sex.Can you go whack off somewhere else, please?

[bbs2k]

:: goes to craigslist ::

:(

[descamisado]

deleted.