You have three months to be an awful human being.

[AdmiralCrunch]

Inspired by this (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=451602) thread title
The entire world had a vote and it turns out we unanimously hate you. Or God calls you up and says you alone are messing up his enjoyment of earth. Whatever the reason, you've got three months to change the world for the worse before you die.

Do you litter more? Donate all your funds to Westboro Baptist Church? Commit small scale terrorism? Hand out free heroin? Start some fires? Your personal ethics and morals are gone, and a bitter, scheming shell of a person is all that remains. Use your inner sociopath. What do you do?

P.S. Answers like "I wouldn't harm anyone as I peacefully pass from this realm to the next" are no fun. If you lack the capacity for evil, feel free to start a sister thread about how much good can be done.

[bbs2k]

I would threadshit until I peacefully pass from this realm to the next.

[Tristan]

I would spend a month studying serial killers, to see where they went "wrong", and how they got caught.

Then I would travel to several major cities, and kill a slew of folks. I would make sure major news sources knew I was out there killing folks.

I figure that would be good for some large scale terror. Think the Beltway Snipers taken to a national level.

[fessie]

Vigilante justice. I'm not naming names. You know who you are.

[Lionne]

I would steal a few people's boyfriends.

And girlfriends.

[tdn]

I would steal a few people's boyfriends.

And girlfriends.
I'm dying in three months?

I'd get my ass to Florida. If I really had to be bad, I'd hijack a plane there.

[WhyNot]

Eek. This is really hard. I think the "baddest" I could be is theft. Just outright ballsy theft of whatever I want - pretty jewelry, groceries, big screen TV...

Yeah, wimpy answer. Even though I know stealing hurts everyone (through increased prices, loss of jobs, etc.), it doesn't feel like it. But I don't think I could directly cause knowing harm to a person even if I was given a free pass to do it. I'm a wuss.

[Duck Duck Goose]

No doubt about it: my inner sociopath would send me around to all my female acquaintances who sport hair choices that I strongly disagree with, and I'd lay it all out for them. In words of one syllable.

I sit there in church and look at the back of her head. Why does she do that? It's a mystery.

[SamuelP.]

If I'm going for truly awful then I guess I'd kill children. In front of their parents.

IEDs in the McDonald's PlayPlace, local preschools, etc.

Probably end it with a good mall massacre or something like that.

[fatgail]

There's no limit. I would stand on the left side of the escalator, letting my bags rest on the right side, at lunch, in a big city. Then, at the top of the escalator, I would just stand there, wide stance, arms akimbo, thinking about where I'd want to go next.

Then I'd get on a crowded bus and call my doctor on my cellphone to talk about my digestive problems, the color, smell and heft of my stools, remark on some discharge and hang up.

I would proceed to a fast food restaurant where I would get to the front of the line of twenty people and ask "is that good?" about every item, asking if I could get it WITHOUT one or two ingredients. I would ask for the special toy for children under three, a job application, nutritional information and a blind menu.

On my way home I would START crossing a street when the light turned yellow, holding my hand out to stop drivers from running me over while I was on the phone.

My phone call would continue into my car, where I would take a minimum of twenty tries to get out of my ample parallel parking spot. I would drive two miles under the speed limit to the expressway, where I would get in the left lane, make a call, text some people and sort of straddle two lanes for approximately fifty miles.

[tdn]

fatgail wins.

Pure. Evil.

[JohnM]

While I like the vigilante justice thing, there would actually be some good coming out of that, so it doesn't strike me as pure evil. Instead, I'd vote Republican, cashout my 401K and donate it all to the GWB presidential library, and hand out free copies of Anne Coulter and Michael Savage books to all and sundry. Now that's evil. And for any Dopers from the other side of the aisle, you can do the same, just substitute "Democrat", "Bill Clinton", and "Michael Moore and Al Franken" in the appropriate places above.

[chowder]

Three months?

Acting like a complete and utter arse hole would get you killed within a week, which is all it would take me to be really fucking obnoxious as I'm almost there already

[Zebra]

Kidnap several young attractive blonde girls and lead the police on a long chase, leaving out hope that she is still alive, then when captured, give an exclusive interview to Nancy Grace to put her ratings through the roof.

[Mahna Mahna]

I'd fly around the world and eat dinner at every single Michelin three-star restaurant currently listed, and then do it again for lunch and brunch.

...using credit card numbers stolen from the feeble and elderly to pay for it all, of course.

[fatgail]

Three months?

Acting like a complete and utter arse hole would get you killed within a week,

I really disagree. Chicago seems to be filled to the gills with assholes, and yet they hold down jobs, have families, and are respected pillars of the community.

[pravnik]

Pull out my cellphone at the movies and give a running commentary of everything that's happening, pausing only to shout advice to the characters onscreen.

Go the the express checkout with two carts full of groceries. Pay with pennies. When I'm two pennies short, try to pass a third party check with no ID.

Go the city swimming pool at peak hours and urinate in it. I don't mean get in the pool, either.

Go to Taco Bell and stand at the counter going "uuuuummm" for ten solid minutes. Then ask if they have any pizza.

Send a box of delicious donut to the old folks home. An hour later, send Polaroids of me "wearing" those donuts.

Set up an ice cream stand across the street from a weight loss center.

Go to a chinese buffet and eat at the buffet table. With my fingers.

Get a job at a computer tech support hotline. When people call in with problems, ask if they've tried turning their computer off and on. Over and over.

Get a big oversized check and some balloons and knock on doors telling people they've won the sweepstakes. Then check my notes and tell them I'm at the wrong house. Ask if I can come in and use Mapquest to find the real winner's house.

[jjimm]

I find this thread disturbing.

I am genuinely not sure I could bring myself to be nasty in a way that deliberately hurts other people, so perhaps I shouldn't post. I guess I could spit lots of chewing gum on the sidewalks.

A friend of mine, however, says that if she ever finds out she has a terminal illness, she will drive around the streets of Oxford mowing down as many cyclists as she can. I get where she's coming from (even though I'm a part-time cyclist too).

[NightRabbit]

Honestly, I'd just contract HIV and go on a sex spree. At least I would have fun while spreading disease!

[Madd Maxx]

I'd go to Florida and steal numerous retiree's social security checks from their mail boxes and use the money to take thousands of hookers and crack addicts into Disney World. I'd encourage them to make it the "Happiest Place on Earth" by giving unwanted attention to everyone in the park. I'd film everything and put it on YouTube.

I'd start a recycling company that picked up hazardous materials and just dump everything into landfills, reseviors, lakes and streams. I'd charge almost nothing and undercut all the legit businesses in the area.

[Paragod22510]

There's no limit. I would stand on the left side of the escalator, letting my bags rest on the right side, at lunch, in a big city. Then, at the top of the escalator, I would just stand there, wide stance, arms akimbo, thinking about where I'd want to go next.

Then I'd get on a crowded bus and call my doctor on my cellphone to talk about my digestive problems, the color, smell and heft of my stools, remark on some discharge and hang up.

I would proceed to a fast food restaurant where I would get to the front of the line of twenty people and ask "is that good?" about every item, asking if I could get it WITHOUT one or two ingredients. I would ask for the special toy for children under three, a job application, nutritional information and a blind menu.

On my way home I would START crossing a street when the light turned yellow, holding my hand out to stop drivers from running me over while I was on the phone.

My phone call would continue into my car, where I would take a minimum of twenty tries to get out of my ample parallel parking spot. I would drive two miles under the speed limit to the expressway, where I would get in the left lane, make a call, text some people and sort of straddle two lanes for approximately fifty miles.



DING DING DING! Tell her what she's won!

I officially cry "UNCLE"

[Oredigger77]

I would make every parent's worst dreams come true I would live out all of questionable video games that I've ever played and movies I've seen. I think the first step in inspiring true horror would be to write a book listing each of my activities and why media violence made me do them.

I think I'd start small climbing fire escapes while jumping over barrels, just to gain fame. Then I would move up to vigilante justice blowing up meth labs and killing pimps in the street. That would help me keep public support so this could last three months. Finally, I would start shooting people who pissed me off, then start using chainsaws and all of the other stuff that makes video games fun.

Oh, I almost forgot to combine sex in with my violence well I think that having sex with everything that moves will be ok. I'd start with a plethora of vanilla sex and just ratchet it up along with the violence. That way the world will be even worse off once I'm gone. They will take away all of the fun movies and video games and children won't even be allowed to play at violence for fear of turning into me.

[TroubleAgain]

I'd go around for three months humming "It's a Small World" at very opportunity.

[Belrix]

I'm a big fan of first-person shooters (video games). I think I'd just go real-world with that. Sniping and running. Walking into a mall and treating everybody like they were Zombies and I was the master of undead justice.

Hmm. Gonna have to steal some money to finance this, I think...

[MaxTheVool]

I would do this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZWhQDEMH4Y), but with ammo. If I could figure out how. It's presumably not easy to hijack one of those bad boys.

[Derleth]

I'd go from town to town, beating the crap out of abusive parents and spouses and torturing child molesters. I would encourage others to follow in my path and create a wave of vigilante justice. As more and more people signed on, the cause would be lost and perverted as others used it more blatantly to advance their own agendas. Homosexuals would be beaten openly in the streets, Jews would cease to be safe in some towns, and blacks and whites would engage in open warfare in all major urban districts. Anyone questioning vigilantism would be accused of pedophilia and killed.

[coffeecat]

I'd kidnap someone, lock her in a small room, and systematically torture her into becoming my brainwashed sex slave. I'm thinking Ann Coulter, although I'm open a better suggestion.

[Shalmanese]

I'm a software designer so I would start designing tools that let other people express their inner evil. I've got about a dozen ideas in my notepad, all eminently feasible, all socially corrosive. Here's one example from my work on digital voyeurism:

Collaborative stalking. You're surfing facebook or hotornot or some other online site and you find a guy/girl who you want to know more about so you put up an anonymous request on the stalker exchange network and other people help you find out more information about her, snap photos of her surreptitiously and possibly break into her house and steal her underwear. But it's a tit-for-tat arrangement, if you want others to help you stalk, you first have to go out there and stalk for other people...

As far as I can tell, a site like that, well organised, could cripple much of the openness of social networking sites and cast a serious pall on our assumptions of the goodness of the average stranger. Awful enough for you?

[coffeecat]

. . . it's a tit-for-tat arrangement, if you want others to help you stalk, you first have to go out there and stalk for other people...
Kind of like Freecycle. Sounds good; where do I get some tat?

I seem to have a one-track mind today. Sorry.

[Hostile Dialect]

I would definitely start some havoc on the roadways. Ugly car? Ram it. Asshole sitting in the middle of my lane, leaning out of her window and talking to some other asshole directly parallel and going the other way so I can't get past them? Slowly bump her forward until I'm clear. Expensive car? Run it off the road.

Standing on the ramp and throwing rocks at the cars below? Yep. Decorating cars with eggs and moldy sour cream? You bet. Hiding week-old wheatpaste in pickup trucks so they explode all over everything? Oh yeah.

Speaking of which, I would print out extremely offensive pictures and wheatpaste them on traffic signs, inside bathroom stalls, on peoples' windows facing in, etc.

Of course, I'd troll the Dope relentlessly with an army of socks. Hey, it ain't pleasant, but it's gotta be done if I'm going to impress the Big Chief.

Lastly, if Og still weren't impressed (cause really, you know it'd be Og, of all deities, to be ordering this kind of thing), I would use MySpace to frame people I hate. Start up a profile with cute girl pics off the Interweb and hit on them, get them to write some lewd public comments on the profile, then change everything (including the pics) to say 15 years old and then give an anonymous tip to the police.

I would do this, but with ammo. If I could figure out how. It's presumably not easy to hijack one of those bad boys.

Apparently it's not tough in my neck of the woods. (Or wasn't, anyway.) A longer clip of the exact same incident has him attacking my doctor's office.

[bbs2k]

Just 15?

[Hostile Dialect]

I'd have to make it plausible, or there wouldn't be a point. Now that I think about it, I could cut the age by a few years by taking away the need to make it plausible for a police investigation; maybe I'd just post "WARNING! THIS MAN IS A PEDOPHILE!" with proof all over their school, place of employment, etc.

[Bites When Provoked]

Is it implied that we can absolutely get away with anything we do? Or do we run the risk of getting caught?

Personally, I really think fatgail has plumbed the depths of ultimate evil, but given unfettered ability to do anything I wanted, I'd do a couple of other things:

1. Advanced weaponry. On my car. Doing under the speed limit on a single-lane road? KA-BOOM! Playing duck-'n-weave in your P-plate car with the stereo blaring? Tracking lasers on; missiles engaged.

2. Forcible desexing of all pets unless the owner has a valid breeder's license. Followed by forcible sterilisation of all those owners who didn't have desexed pets. (Note: both 'reproductive sterilisation' or the sort involving prolonged boiling in water work for me.)

There's always the chance I might accidentally make the world a better place, but I'm willing to take the risk.

[Ranchoth]

Pull a Snake Plissken and crash-land a glinder on top of the Kaaba...

Does it really matter what I do after that?

It does?

Okay, I, um...I dunno, draw a combination pentagram/star of david/hammer and sickle on it with a mixture of pigs blood, piss, and powdered uranium ore.

If that doesn't start a nuclear war, I don't know if there's much more I can do on my own.

[Mangetout]

I find this thread disturbing.

I am genuinely not sure I could bring myself to be nasty in a way that deliberately hurts other people...Me too. I guess I could start vandalising famous works of art and desecrating ancient monuments or something.