The SDMB Serial Killer

[George Kaplin]

Ladies and gentlemen of the Dope. I have a confession to make. While, by and large, I am a fairly affable and kill kill kill them all easy going gent. I have recently been diagnosed with multiple personality disorder and, sadly, my knives knives lovely lovely sharp knives other persona isn't a nice guy. He's a temperamental fellow, given to mercilessly butchering posters whose usernames, profiles, or posting habits violate a certain rule. The only way to stop him is to work out the rule he is following. But be warned, if you guess incorrectly then you too will be slaughtered. Also, posters in this thread whose usernames, profiles, or posting habits violate the rule risk attracting his unwanted attention regardless of whether or not they have guessed at the rule. He has already killed

Giraffe

But I have his word that he would never kill Cecil Adams.

Can you thwart the SDMB serial killer before he rampages through the entire board?

[Justin Credible]

Posters with one word names!?

[Captain Klutz]

Posters with double letters in their names?

[twickster]

God, don't you hate serial killers who write an OP and then log off?

[Justin Credible]

God, don't you hate serial killers who write an OP and then log off?

They're worse than Dahmer.

[bbs2k]

Contain the same vowels? I'm confused.

[Hockey Monkey]

Likely I may be killed. Maybe I should go hide!

[George Kaplin]

Justin Credible's incorrect guess infuriates the SDMB serial killer sending him into a knife wielding frenzy. By the time he's finished poor Justin has been turned into fettucini. But Justin Credible shouldn't take it too hard. Even if he hadn't made an incorrect guess he still would have fallen foul of the rule and been killed anyway.

Captain Klutz, by contrast, would have lived to tell this sordid tale were it not for his incorrect guess. The killer carves another notch into his bedpost, while the Captain's family gets a visit from the cops.

bbs2k meets a similar end. He doesn't break the rule, but he does guess incorrectly.

Twickster wrote:


God, don't you hate serial killers who write an OP and then log off?


Yeah. They're bastards. Dead!

Justin Credible wrote:


They're worse than Dahmer.


Oi! Quiet you. You're supposed to be dead. :D

Actually, this would be a good time to point out that being dead is no barrier to being able to post in this thread. You can even reveal the solution from beyond the grave, if you figure it out. The only thing is that you can't make any more guesses.

Thus, it came to pass that the following posters on the SDMB were consigned to the hereafter:

Giraffe - Broke the rule
Justin Credible - Broke the rule
Captain Klutz - Guessed incorrectly
bbs2k - Guessed incorrectly
twickster - Broke the rule

As mentioned, Cecil Adams remains unmolested. I also have it on good authority that elucidator has nothing to worry about.

[Sage Rat]

Oh, poor giraffe! He was a lovely animal! (?)

[twickster]

Are us bloody corpses allowed to ask questions? If so, here's mine -- do your posts (both OP and subsequent) follow the rule to the T?

[Revenant Threshold]

Edit: Boo, that doesn't work.

My guess is that you can't have more As than you do Is.

[George Kaplin]

The killer lies in wait, lovingly polishing his trusty butcher knives. He dearly hopes the next poster he sees will fall afoul of his mysterious rule. He sees a dim shape on the horizon, hurriedly dons his taffeta ball gown, SS cap, and giant comedy sunglasses and gets ready to pounce on......Hockey Monkey?? No fuckin' way. Not Hockey Monkey, that'll never do. He doesn't break the rule at all...bugger.

Ruefully, the killer lets Hockey Monkey pass by unmolested.

[dbuzman]

Posters whose names have the vowels arranged i before e.

[George Kaplin]

Okay. I've momentarily snatched back control from my evil other half long enough to answer a couple of questions:


Are us bloody corpses allowed to ask questions?


You certainly can. Fire away.


If so, here's mine -- do your posts (both OP and subsequent) follow the rule to the T?


Yes, both my posts follow the rule.

In other news, the entire front page of my daily newspaper is taken up with the shocking story of the brutal murder of one R. Threshold. Police say that he not only broke the rule, but that his efforts to uncover the identity of the serial killer currently stalking the SDMB led him to incorrectly guess at the killer's motives, infuriating him further.

A byline indicates that Mr Threshold was accompanied by his sensei Sage Rat. Apparently, the killer spotted Sage Rat but showed no interest in harming him.

[Thorium Indium Potassium]

Posters who have names that would never fly in real life are breaking the rule. Which leads me to point out that my name, Senora, is Mrs. in Spanish.

Do I live to tell this tale to my unborn children?

[George Kaplin]

Posters whose names have the vowels arranged i before e.


A valiant effort dbuzman, but sadly mistaken. Your incorrect guess has sealed your fate. Incidentally, you would have survived if you hadn't made that guess. Perhaps it would behoove posters to phrase their suspicions in such a way that they are not obviously recogniseable as guesses...

The SDMB Casualty List

Giraffe - Broke the rule
Justin Credible - Broke the rule and guessed incorrectly.
Captain Klutz - Guessed incorrectly
bbs2k - Guessed incorrectly
twickster - Broke the rule
Revenant Threshold - Broke the rule and guessed incorrectly.
dbuzman - Guessed incorrectly.

And those who have escaped the killer's wrath include:

Hockey Monkey
Sage Rat

[George Kaplin]

SenoraGO


Posters who have names that would never fly in real life are breaking the rule. Which leads me to point out that my name, Senora, is Mrs. in Spanish.

Do I live to tell this tale to my unborn children?


Ingeniously, you phrased your speculations in such a way that the killer wasn't able to recognise them as an obvious guess. If you hadn't broken the rule the killer uses to choose his victims you would indeed have lived to tell the tale. But break it you did, and the killer is now fashioning your carcass into a rather fetching three piece suit for his imaginary pet flying alligator.

Tough break.

[bbs2k]

You're a mean mean ol' serial killer.

[Moriarty]

Posters who have names that would never fly in real life are breaking the rule. Which leads me to point out that my name, Senora, is Mrs. in Spanish.

Do I live to tell this tale to my unborn children?

Hockey Monkey and Sage Rat were unharmed, so that doesn't seem to apply. I can find no correlation in join date, posts per day, absence/inclusion of birthday in the public profile, or location.

Without a decent guess, or the inclination to review the thousands of posts previously submitted to the Dope by the people named, I'm going to say it has to do with whether you use an emoticon when you post.

One of these :D , and you're as good as dead.

ETA: Fuck, I see that the OP used one of these :D . Please make my demise quick and painless.

[chowder]

Well I'm quite a decent fellow but I do like knives, very sharp knives.

You don't by any chance need an assistant do you?

[Sefton]

Hmm, could it be that you only kill those whose names start and/or end with a vowel?

What a horrible, horrible killer...

[George Kaplin]

AtomickTom & Sefton both bite the dust. The former for an incorrect guess and the latter for both an incorrect guess and breaking the rule. chowder, having safely posted without breaking the rule is hereby deputised as 'Assistant Serial Killer', given a set of steak knives and told to go nuts. However, he is remined that there can only be one killer in this thread, and that's me, bub.

[George Kaplin]

Also, the serial killer has to go out for a while to buy a knife sharpening whetstone, 30ft of rope, get a few more skull tattoo's, have an old friend for dinner, and, mass murder being thirsty work, go out for a beer with a few mates. He will be back a bit later.

[chowder]

OK you heard the man, I'm now officially Assistant Serial Killer.

You guys had better stay in my good books or it's a recommendation to my master that he slashes, cuts, gouges, eviscerates and generally plays havoc with your soft dangly bits using his very sharp knives.

Oh the power, the power, I feel quite giddy with it

[Hal Briston]

Ok...I think I've got enough data points now. The derranged killer in our midst only kills those whose...

...first and last letters in their name are not in alpabetical order. Boo-yah.
Which would make me safe, btw.

[Boozahol Squid, P.I.]

And me, too!

[Borborygmi]

Well, yeah, assuming Hal's got it right. I'd certainly recommmend staying safely out of the thread until we're sure.

Oops.

[Inner Stickler]

Ha! I laugh in the face of danger. And I have faith in ol' Hal here. He'd never steer us wrong! Right?

[SSG Schwartz]

I will take my chance to stroll in and say, "Howdy" to the serial killer among us.

SSG Schwartz

[Liberal]

My post follows the rule.

[Gukumatz]

I believe the killer works on the wicked modus operandi of only eliminating members who does not have the (aproximately - a margin of +/- 1) same amount of consonants and vowels in their usernames.

Sage Rat, for instance, has three vowels and four consonants whileHockey Monkey has six of each.

(I'm fucked either way =/)

[j666]

Ok...I think I've got enough data points now. The derranged killer in our midst only kills those whose...

...first and last letters in their name are not in alpabetical order. Boo-yah.
Which would make me safe, btw.
What about me?

[Drain Bead]

And me?

[Hal Briston]

As long as I'm right, then yeah, you're both safe -- I don't know how Kaplin would interpret it, but if I was right then his killing spree is over.

If I'm wrong, of course, well then you may be good and well fucked.




Speaking of, DB, I'm also looking over my wife's shoulder at her computer at the moment...TTC! TTC! TTC! :D

[fisha]

I am immortal.

[Larry Borgia]

And me, too!Yeah, well you stab gods. I think a simple serial killer wouldn't freak you out.

[Boozahol Squid, P.I.]

Yeah, well you stab gods. I think a simple serial killer wouldn't freak you out.

Not only that, but I made Athena forget about that namby-pamby Odysseus for a while, too.

[George Kaplin]

Hal Briston has it! The rule was simply this: If the last letter in a poster's username came earlier in the alphabet than the first letter of a poster's username, that poster was a goner. It never came up but posters whose usernames began and ended with the same letter would have been safe. Citizens of Doperville, unlock your doors and unload your shotguns. The killer has been caught! May he never darken our digital doors again!


Until next time....

:eek:

[Spatial Rift 47]

What about a poster like j666? Would he have bit the big one if Hal had not supplied sanctuary?

EDIT: Or me, for that matter. :smack:

[Hal Briston]

Ha! Justice is served, evildoer!

[Hal Briston]

What about a poster like j666?My assumption: Since "posters whose usernames began and ended with the same letter would have been safe", and since "j" is technically the first and last letter of his username, I'm going to guess he's have been safe.

[George Kaplin]

J666 would have been safe for the reason Hal noted. Spatial Rift 47 would also have been safe because S is before T in the alphabet. Numbers weren't counted in the rule.

[twickster]

I just feel bad for enipla and [c]nivlac[/b], who effectively made themselves targets. ;)