Best SCRUBS quotes

[Skald the Rhymer]

Ever find yourself quoting JD, Turk, Eliot, et al in odd moments?

Then share your favorite lines with the group.

"This club has one rule, Dorothy. We're men. All of us. The women are men, the children are men, the men, of course, are men. You're a member now. Be a man."

I'd give the context and the speaker, but that wouldn't be manly.

[feppytweed]

"Here's a prescription for two testicles. Get it filled whenever you like."

[coffinjumper]

They didn't give me exactly the right set up, but I did get to pull the last line from this much loved exchange.

Dr. Cox: I'm assuming, since you already went ahead and took everything else, that you're here for my self respect -- but there's bad news on that one, sweet-cheeks: I already gave it to your mom when she begged me to marry you!
Jordan: Oh, I wouldn't have room for it, anyway, what with your testicles in my trophy case.

[DoctorJ]

Dr. Clock: Perry, no one's pure evil! I mean, yes, some people have a hard outer shell, but inside, everybody has a creamy center.
Dr. Cox: There are plenty of people, here, on this particular planet who are hard on the outside and on the inside!
Dr. Clock: So they'd have more of a nougaty center?
Dr. Cox: Lady, people aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings.

[Gail]

Don't listen to her, Brown Bear, your body's fierce--like Taye Diggs.

[SaharaTea]

This is my all-time favorite Scrubs quote:

Surgeon: Hey Todd, you were great in surgery this morning.

The Todd: Thanks! You were great in the shower this morning! You know, dong-wise.

[Gail]

Ah, The Todd:

"Betrayal Five!"

"Euphemism Five!"

[Ice Cream Man]

Carla: Why don't you look into your heart and see how it feels?

JD: My heart hates ugos!

[RandMcnally]

What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? (Points to self) This guy!

[ivylass]

My daughter and I like to quote Ted after we've zinged each other.

"That hurts here (pointing to head) and here (pointing to heart)."

And of course, Cox is always good for many...."Nay nay nay nay a thousand times nay!" And "God, my brilliance is becoming a bit of a burden. Get back to me."

And, after watching The Todd do his usual WTF scene, my daughter turned to me and said, "What is he?"

Altogether now..."He's The Todd."

[Orual]

Dr. Cox: sung to the tune of that clock-chime song Wrong, wrong wrong wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrong. You're wrong!!

[The Shroud]

Carla: Enough with the innuendo!
The Todd: I'd like to put something in *her* end-o!

and

The Todd: I'll double *her* entendre!

Sterile high five!

[Avarie537]

What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? (Points to self) This guy!

You stole mine!

[Bob55]

Too many good quotes to count, but one that I think about randomly when I take pills is from the first episode when JD asks about giving Aspirin to an elderly patient and Dr. Cox says something like - It's aspirin...you open her mouth and throw a handful in there, whatever makes it in is the dose!

[nocturnal_tick]

"So's your face" has become my ultimate comeback line

[Frostillicus]

Jordan: "Where's Ben? And if you say 'I don't know', I'm going to show you what I learned in my crotch-punching class."

JD: "It's nice that you're going back to school."

_____________________

Julie: "Plomox only has a few side effects. Namely, nausea, impotence, and anal leakage."

Dr. Cox: "I'm getting two of the three just listening to this conversation."

[Gail]

J.D. Yeah, well find this
Carla: You know you're supposed to grab your crotch when you say that
J.D. Wouldn't that hurt?

[Pullet]

Everyone together now:
Payback is a bitch!
*clap*
Payback is a bitch!
*clap*

[hotflungwok]

Dr Cox gets all the best quotes, no question:

Dr. Cox: Julie, this is my ex-wife, Jordan; Jordan, this is my girlfriend, Julie. Okay! That was a treat, wasn't it? [to Jordan] Now, would you like me to call you a cab, or should I just whistle and have the flying monkeys bring the broom around?

J.D.: Your ex-wife. She's the answer.
Dr. Cox: Uhhh... Things that ruined my life. Things that took half my money. Things with sharp edges!

Jordan: Hi, honey, I'm home. You know, you should lock your door. There's horrible people out there.
Dr. Cox: There's horrible people right in here!

Dr. Cox: So my girlfriend serviced most of the staff? I'm proud of her commitment to medicine.
Carla: It's not like you haven't had sex with other people. Your ex-wife, that med student, your ex-wife, that cute intern in radiology, your ex-wife...
Dr. Cox: Would you get off my ex-wife?
Carla: I will if you will.
Dr. Cox: (laughs) Dammit, now I'm too gosh-darned proud of you to be mad!

[ivylass]

Jordan and Cox always have the best lines.

Jordan is packing to leave, and Cox bursts in, out of breath.

"Jordan, will you...will you divorce me?"

"Oh, I thought you'd never ask!"

[Troy McClure SF]

Whose machines?

[bouv]

Whose machines?

Radiologist: MY MACHINES!!!!!

Turk: (to JD) How does that help?

[ivylass]

Followed, of course, by Eliot's ball-busting bitch slap. Most excellent...Sarah Chalke cleans up quite nicely, doesn't she?

[Merijeek]

Followed, of course, by Eliot's ball-busting bitch slap. Most excellent...Sarah Chalke cleans up quite nicely, doesn't she?

I liked her better before she went and got her hair fried.

I use variations on Cox's "My supporting cast is a clown car full of idiots" line all the time.

-Joe

[WhyNot]

Sarah Chalke cleans up quite nicely, doesn't she?
I bet she does dirty pretty well, too! ;)

Todd Five! :D

[Cardinal]

Paraphrased:

Jordan: Perry, if you don't fix this, I'm going to stop having sex with you and start making love.

Dr. Cox: Oh Bobbo!!

[Frostillicus]

Janitor: "I called together the brain trust so that you guys can help me get together with blonde doctor."

Randall: ""Burn her house down!"

Troy: "I have a plan, but we'll need a tugboat."

Janitor: "Tugboats and arson. That's all I ever get from you guys."

___________________________

Ted: (looking through a medical report) "What's a buckland?"

Dr. Cox: "It's a predominantly hairless growth that is never found on women."

Ted: "Huh?"

Dr. Cox: "It's your last name, Ted."

____________________________

JD: "Every time you call me a girl's name, I die a little inside."

____________________________

Elliot: "Don't get me started on judgemental fish."

____________________________

Elliot: "Frick on a stick with a brick!"

[BiblioCat]

Jordan: "Where's Ben? And if you say 'I don't know', I'm going to show you what I learned in my crotch-punching class."
And in a similar vein, Elliott's response to one of The Todd's comments:
"If you show me your penis, I'm going to have to take it away from you."

[bouv]

Janitor: "I called together the brain trust so that you guys can help me get together with blonde doctor."

Randall: ""Burn her house down!"

Troy: "I have a plan, but we'll need a tugboat."

Janitor: "Tugboats and arson. That's all I ever get from you guys."

In a related vein:

Troy: (while holding a fork) Want me to hobble her?

Janitor: That's not hobbling, that's...poking.

[Bosstone]

Knife-wreeeench!

[pepperlandgirl]

Cox: I love this moment so much, I want to have sex with it. Later This moment is so great, I'd cheat on that other moment from before, marry this one, and raise a family of tiny little moments.

Troy: Ooh. Your face is as red as a strawbrary.

[RickJay]

On being challenged to a bet by Janitor:

Dr. Cox: "Gosh, I'd love to, but I just don't know what I'd do with a broken Thermos and two pounds of keys."

[Nars Glinley]

Turk: Dude, what's the rule about white boys dancing in public?

JD: (Sighs) Not allowed unless you're gay.

Both: Good morning Stephen.

[ivylass]

JD: Are you aware of any underwater tunnels near the hospital? I think I saw a manatee.

Janitor: Was his name Julian?

JD: We didn't exchange pleasantries.

Janitor: Yeah, that's Julian.

And Janitor to Eliot: "You're the only one who's nice to me." I love how this show is good with the snark, but every so often, they skewer you right through the heart.

[Elendil's Heir]

What, no love for Dr. Kelso?

JD: I'm sorry, but you're wrong, Dr. Kelso. Dr. Cox is a good man. He doesn't disagree with everything you say.
Kelso (raising an eyebrow): Really. (sees Cox) Good morning, Perry!
Cox: It's a terrible day.
Kelso: And how are your residents doing?
Cox: They're all idiots!
Kelso: Good coffee?
Cox (raising his coffee mug): Rat piss.
Kelso (facing JD and glowering): Your witness!

[nocturnal_tick]

What, no love for Dr. Kelso?

JD: I'm sorry, but you're wrong, Dr. Kelso. Dr. Cox is a good man. He doesn't disagree with everything you say.
Kelso (raising an eyebrow): Really. (sees Cox) Good morning, Perry!
Cox: It's a terrible day.
Kelso: And how are your residents doing?
Cox: They're all idiots!
Kelso: Good coffee?
Cox (raising his coffee mug): Rat piss.
Kelso (facing JD and glowering): Your witness!
You missed the ending:

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Murphy here is an incompetent suck-up!
Dr. Cox: No, Bob, in fact he's one of the finest young doctors I ever had the good fortune of working with.
Dr. Kelso: [to J.D] Your witness.
(Murphy picks up the phone)
JD (to Murphy): What are you doing?
Murphy (ecstatic): I'm calling my dad!

I would also like to add:

Turk: DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET CARLA? DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU MESS WITH THE WARRIOR!?

[coffinjumper]

Turk: DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET CARLA? DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU MESS WITH THE WARRIOR!?

No, the best part of that episode was Turk singing to the tune of Sanford and Son. And maybe the line before.

Turk: Woman, I am not a lollipop!
(to the Sanford and Son theme) Quiet down now, it is time to watch the show.
Yes it started, don't be licking me no mo'.
Matter of fact could you get me a handy wi-iiipe.

[Little Bird]

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Nurse Mophead.
Nurse Mophead who?
You have a mophead.

[RandMcnally]

His last name is Turk? All this time I've been calling him Turk Turkleton.

[ivylass]

Shift-switching!

[SaharaTea]

Elliot: Janitor, have you ever looked at yourself and wished you were different in every way?
Janitor: No. I'm a winner.

Kelso: "Paging Dr. Backbone to the bajingo ward."

[JSexton]

His last name is Turk? All this time I've been calling him Turk Turkleton.
Kelso: Son, you have to make some noise. No one in this hospital knows the name "Turkleton".
Turk: That's because that's not my name.
Kelso: Not yet!

[JSexton]

Ooh, also:

Carla: Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer?
Turk: I think you mean, why is there silverware in the pancake drawer?

And

JD: You've been graveled!

I like to use that on people who are walking funny.

[bouv]

Janitor: We don't just rock together, we roll together.

[RickJay]

His last name is Turk? All this time I've been calling him Turk Turkleton.
I'm an ISO 9001 auditor, so every day I have to write a shitload of notes. Every single day I perform an audit, I always write, somewhere in my notes:

"Well played, Turkleton."

Nobody has ever asked me what it means. I've been writing it for a few years now. Hundreds of official ISO 9001 audit records have that line in them.

[Frostillicus]

On being challenged to a bet by Janitor:

Dr. Cox: "Gosh, I'd love to, but I just don't know what I'd do with a broken Thermos and two pounds of keys."

And from the same scene:

Dr. Cox: "Well, it wouldn't be the first time the janitor got the girl. (Pause) Yes, yes it would."

[DrDeth]

Everyone together now:
Payback is a bitch!
*clap*
Payback is a bitch!
*clap*

Damn, I was going to say that. Fell off my chair.

[JayRx1981]

*JD loses to Kylie at arm-wrestling*

*Turk and Carla observe than follow in their example...with Turk winning*

DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET CARLA? DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU MESS WITH THE WARRIOR?

[Frostillicus]

DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET CARLA? DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU MESS WITH THE WARRIOR?

See post #36 dude.

Here's a classic:

Elliot (to Dr. Cox): "I set up an 'I Hate Cox' chatroom. It didn't exactly work out as I had planned. It ended up being me, two interns, and 14,000 lesbians."

[nocturnal_tick]

See post #36 dude.

Here's a classic:

Elliot (to Dr. Cox): "I set up an 'I Hate Cox' chatroom. It didn't exactly work out as I had planned. It ended up being me, two interns, and 14,000 lesbians."

Yeah but I got to hear it three times now. :dons muscle builder pose:

[Hamlet]

Not really just a quote, but my favorite 10 seconds:

Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, would you please repeat the question?

Carla: Are you just gonna roll over like that?

Jordan: That's weird, I asked him the same thing last night.

Carla: Where's the outrage? The anger? The hate?

Jordan: Again, last night!

Carla: You've gone soft.

Jordan: [gasps] Okay, now it's getting spooky.

[ivylass]

Knife-wreeeench!

For kids!