How long was it before you told your SO you loved him/her?

[rostfrei]

I’ve been single for 18 months and have had 3 minor relationships in that period of time. The guys that I dated all said they loved me within a month of heavy dating. I’ve always thought this was way too soon to be uttering those words, although I did like these guys a lot. All of those relationships fizzled out soon after, so I guess it wasn’t really love at all.

Now I think I’m being a hypocrite. I met this guy about a month ago. He saw me at a very crowded event in the Castro. I saw him too and we kept making eyes at each other. I never did get a chance to go an talk to him, and looked for him after the event, but couldn’t find him. The next day, just out of curiosity, I was checking the “missed connections” ads online. I saw an ad that said something like “you were a tall, cute guy at xyz on Saturday night. I thought you were very handsome and looked for you after the event but couldn’t find you”. So, this event was very cruisy and I wasn’t sure that I was the guy in question. But, after a few e-mails and finally a picture exchange, I found out it was this guy and he was indeed looking for me. The chances of this happening (IMHO) are slim, since I’ve never checked the missed connection boards before. I was just thinking about this guy all that night long and was actually thinking about placing an ad in search of him.

Anyway, we’ve gone out several times. I went to his place on Saturday night for the first time (He lives about 45 minutes by car from me). We went out and then went back to his place and talked for 6 solid hours, with a few kisses in between. I finally left at 2am and as I was pulling out from his driveway, he called me and we talked the entire time it took me to drive back to my San Francisco.

To make a long story short, I’m head over heels in love with this guy. However, I will definitely not say it until/unless we’ve been together for at least a few months. I’ve dated several guys over the past 18 months and this is the first time I’ve ever had that butterflies in stomach feeling. I’m pretty sure that this guy feels the same way because of the some things he’s said and some things he’s done for me.

How long did it take you to fall in love with your SO? How long did it take you to verbalize it? How would you feel if you’ve only known a person for 1 month and they told you they loved you? (Even though I love this guy, I think I would probably freak out a bit if he told me he loved me at this point).

Eric

[Asimovian]

Our situation was a little different because we were best friends for nearly a year before we ever started dating, so I believe we had exchanged the "I love you" before our relationship turned romantic. Granted, I'd been in love with her for most of the time we'd been friends, but that's neither here nor there. :)

I realize I'm not really typical in that my wife was only my third serious relationship and we got married fairly young (her 22, me 23), but I don't really see how you can put a time limit on when those words are exchanged. Either you mean it, or you don't. For some people, that may take a very short period of time to establish, and for others, it may take longer. But if it's really how you feel, and you believe the other person feels the same way, it strikes me as a bit silly to withhold a sincere expression for fear of some sort of jinx.

Now, if you think you're going to freak the other person out because the feeling may not entirely be mutual, I suppose that's different. Obviously, your mileage may vary.

[rostfrei]

Eeek, Can you imagine the following:

me: I love you!
you: That's nice (or Thank-you).

[Snarky_Kong]

When I was first told that, I didn't say it back. She said it probably a bit over a month in, I told her probably around 4 months in.

[lavenderviolet]

My boyfriend and I were friends for a few years first, but we waited until we had been an official couple for three months before we said "I love you".
I think both of us felt it sooner than that, but I'm really glad that he waited until he was totally sure to say it. :)

[TroubleAgain]

I made him say it first. :D He'd sort of hinted at it really soon after we met, but he started saying it after we'd been together a couple of months. I didn't say it for longer. He said it once, and I just smiled, and he said "I said I love you." So, you know, I kind of had to let him know it was reciprocated. ;)

[olivesmarch4th]

The first time he said it, we weren't quite dating yet... we'd been friends for a year or so, best friends for about 3 months. We didn't realize we really thought of one another romantically until we were sitting there dealing with the reality that we were both madly in love with one another and probably were going to be together for the rest of our lives. It was an intense and slightly terrifying moment, but that was 6 years ago, and we're coming up on our two year wedding anniversary, so I can't say I regret it.

As a general rule I support really knowing a person before those words are said, but I would hesitate to impose a time limit.

[Pixilated]

Eeek, Can you imagine the following:

me: I love you!
you: That's nice (or Thank-you).


My motto for several years: Two outta three aint bad, sweetie.
Or I'd respond with a thank you, I see the sex has clouded your judgement, snap out of it.

I dont think I ever told my ex hub that I loved him (I was scared of him), the next serious relationship - about a year after being friends with benefits. We lasted 7 yrs.

My current SO - I think it was just a short time after meeting. I had this feeling of comfort with him that I cant even explain.... and i am so not the type to share feelings so quickly.

[BrknButterfly]

I wait a while. Generally it is a few months. That last guy that I told "l love you" too, it took me a long time. He isn't the type to really say how he feels. Not in the ways I generally understand or pick up on, so while I knew I loved him and I knew he had feelings for me I had a hard time actually telling him. Maybe out of fear that he didn't feel the say same way.

I think we were just laying on my bed talking when I looked at him and then purposely looked away and told him so I wouldn't see his reaction. I couldn't bare to see any inkling of rejection or "freaked outness" in his face.

So I generally wait a few months. Even if I know I love him.. want to get the timing right and not make it sound stupid.

[susan]

I said it to my SO in about a week. Usually I wait longer, but I know what I like.

[Manda JO]

Maybe three months after I started dating my now-husband. He's never said it to me, except as part of the wedding vows, almost ten years ago now. But I don't have any doubts.

[CairoCarol]

It was a little less than 3 months before my husband said "I love you." (Easy to figure out because we started dating at the beginning of the school year and he told me that over the Thanksgiving break.)

I was actually a bit taken aback by his saying it that soon - I mean, I really thought he was a great guy, but those words are pretty serious stuff in my book.

So I think I said something back like "I'm not sure I'm ready to say those words quite yet, but I definitely think I'm getting there - I may not be 'in love' just yet because we haven't known each other long, but I'm probably at the 'falling in love' stage."

We celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary last year so it all worked out.

Good luck with the relationship, by the way.

[Raspberry, NOT Rhubarb]

I hedged my bets (what can I say, I'm an emotional coward!) and qualified my declaration: "I think I might be falling in love with you." It was about three months in, and he hasn't actually said it back but when we were in a shop and I asked if he'd found what he was looking for, he looked at me seriously and said, "Yes, MONTHS ago." Awww.

[Labelless]

He said it at about a month in. I had turned around to get him something to signify that I was ready to date him and only him, and when I turned around, he said-"You know, I really love you." I wasn't quite to that point myself, and told him what I was about to do, and let him know that I was on my way. He continued to say it, and one day about two weeks later, I said it back. Two weeks after that, we were engaged.
We'll be married ten years the end of May.
And you know, we really do love each other.

[Slithy Tove]

So I'm supposed to be in touch with my own feelings, but also considerate of this other person's feelings? And in the gap lies a note in my social calendar where I might say "I love you?"

[TroubleAgain]

So I'm supposed to be in touch with my own feelings, but also considerate of this other person's feelings? And in the gap lies a note in my social calendar where I might say "I love you?"

Yeah, but no. :confused: I say, if you're feelin' it and you're ready to share it, say it. Just be prepared for the other person to freak out/not be able to say it back/completely jump your bones because they're in love with you, too.

:D

[Sublight]

never mind, misread the OP.

[Dung Beetle]

My motto for several years: Two outta three aint bad, sweetie.

Ah, the wit and wisdom of Jim Steinman. I once had a drunk guy look soulfully into my eyes and mewl, "Will you love me forever?" I replied, "Well, let me sleep on it, baby baby, let me sleep on it…" :D I'm sorry, but how often in life does anyone hand you such a golden straight line? Besides, it was only our second date. If I'd said anything else, it might have been, "Settle down, Beavis."

[Mrs. Cake]

First serious relationship - never said by either of us that I can recall (4 years together, 3.5 living together).

Second serious relationship - I thought about saying it but held back. He said it about a year in and I responded in kind, but I think he broke out in hives afterwards, so there was never a repeat.

Third (and final) serious relationship - I could tell he wanted to say it after a few dates, but he waited until after I said it a few weeks later. We've been together for 19 years, married for 17 and still say it to each other daily.

Moral of the story - it's always different. Sometimes there's no right time, somethines it hits fast and soon. Good luck!

[TroubleAgain]

Moral of the story - it's always different. Sometimes there's no right time, somethines it hits fast and soon. Good luck!


Oooh, well said.

[lorene]

With my husband, it was about a month in. We've been together almost 8 years.

Slight hijack---for those of you who are/were in long-term relationships in which those words were never said, did that both you? I can't imagine being serious about someone for years and not saying it. Or staying with someone for whom I didn't feel love.

[Mahna Mahna]

I was head over heels in love before we even started dating (we hung out as friends for a few months when we first got to know each other). Obviously, I can't speak for him, but he says it was pretty early on as well.

We danced around the L-word until nearly 6 months into the relationship, though - even then, when he said it the first time, it just kind of slipped out in the middle of a conversation so fast that I didn't even realise quite what he'd said at first. I guess we just wanted to wait it out and bit and make sure it was the real mccoy.

[pepperlandgirl]

Eeek, Can you imagine the following:

me: I love you!
you: That's nice (or Thank-you).

I can imagine something like it.

Me: I love you!
Future Husband: I know (and not in the cool Han Solo way, either.)
Me: And?
FH: Thanks.

He got his act together eventually.

[Autolycus]

From her? 1 month. From me, a month after that. When I say "I love you," I want to really mean it.

[Lemur866]

OK, true story.

I was seeing this woman, and we were putting up a little shed at her place. And of course, when you do these construction projects, the nails bend, the boards don't fit exactly together, and so on, and I was explaining to her that you just have to curse in those situations, it's part of the rules. Motherfucking nails.

Anyway, I was trying to hammer a nail in a particularly hamfisted way, and of course it bends, and of course I curse. She looks at me and tries to soothe me, "Don't worry, I didn't marry you for your building ability."

Um, yeah. We're not, you know, married. And we haven't discussed marriage. Or said "I love you" to each other. Talk about your Freudian slips.

Anyway, I proposed to her about 3 months later, and we've been married for 8 years and have 2 kids. Now anytime I want to tease her, I just tell her I didn't marry her for her [insert variable here] ability, and she turns a bit red.

[NightRabbit]

My relationship with my SO began as a fuck-buddy sort of thing, where I was convinced that I didn't want a real relationship. I resisted for months the idea of spending the night, leaving a toothbrush, him buying me meals, him taking me anywhere, etc. So, for us, it took months before we even decided that we were monogamous and exclusive. I would say, it took about a year, and I don't even remember who said it first. Now, of course, we say it every day. We've been together, off and on, for about 2 and a half years now.

[TokyoBayer]

We met in early October, 05, started going out as friends and then dated in November and then for started living together in December two months later (although we kept both apartments for another couple of months). We got engaged a month later and married that April, so we're now married for two years.

We started telling each other as soon as we moved in.

Since most people take things slower, I doubt this will be useful reference.

[Dervorin]

For her: about three months, after sitting on it for a bit because she didn't want it to be too soon.
For me: longer; maybe about five months or so. Possibly even more.

About three weeks into the relationship, she mumbled "Hello, you" when I came in late one night and I panicked, and started spouting rubbish like "Umm... I'm very flattered, but I don't feel ready to say that just yet" and the like. She just looked at me funny, and then said "HELLO, you" much more distinctly, and much amusement followed, not unmixed with embarrassment (and relief) on my part.

When she did actually say it to me, I had to clarify. "You didn't just say 'Hello, you', did you? Right." I didn't feel ready to say that, and didn't say it back. There was a certain pressure that I felt along the way, but I didn't want to say something I didn't mean, before I was ready. At some point, it just felt right.

[tesseract]

I don't know, right away, though. I told him I was falling in love with him the day after I met him. In his first email to me, he said he thought we should get married. We met at the end of May and got married at the end of September.

[Pixilated]

Slight hijack---for those of you who are/were in long-term relationships in which those words were never said, did that both you? I can't imagine being serious about someone for years and not saying it. Or staying with someone for whom I didn't feel love.

I was with ex-SO for a year before he told me he loved me... at that point, I thought maybe "this is what love is like" and told him I thought I was falling in love with him. We became engaged but never married. He ALWAYS told me he loved me - several times a day - and it annoyed the hell out of me because I believed actions spoke louder than words. I dont know, maybe I felt as though he was brain washing me into believing I loved him. Eventually I broke down and probably started saying it with a slight twitch. Fact is, it never came naturally.

It's so much dfferent now. I said "I love you" just a few days after meeting the SO & it was incredible because I didnt feel pressured, it was a natural emotion. I wasnt worried if he felt the same, I just wanted to enjoy the time with him and I suspected he knew. And now - I melt like butter on hot bun when he says those words to me & I like saying them to him (it makes me squishy like jello) :D

Gads.... the only way I can come close to describing it - rent a copy of Dan in Real Life (which I just finished watching).

[Misnomer]

My story is nearly the same as CairoCarol's: My SO said it to me 3 months and 12 days after our first date, but I was caught off guard and hadn't really thought about whether I loved him. I said something back like "Wow, but I'm not sure I'm ready to say that back to you just yet: I do feel like I'm falling in love with you, but I just don't know if I'm there yet." Afterwards I felt so bad about not saying it back to him that I posted about it here, and the ensuing thread made me realize that I actually did love him already. So I said it back about 3 days later.

We've now been together for 16 months, and I'm moving in with him next month. :)

[SkeptiJess]

Couple weeks in, probably. I fudged a bit, though, saying, "I think I'm falling in love with you." He said it right back, in similar language.

By the time we'd been dating for 3 months, we were engaged and I was pregnant.

Got married when we'd been dating 7 months.

Our son was born 2 weeks after our 'first date' anniversary.

Our daughter was born less than a year later -- a few weeks before our 2nd 'first date' anniversary.

We were speed-daters, I guess.

Oh, and we've been married for 22 years. This July 4th will be our 23rd 'first date' anniversary.

[Missy2U]

A month maybe? But he said it first. We were on the phone, saying goodnight (we talked right before bed every night) and he said, "Sweet dreams", I said, "Of You", he said, "I love you too."

Freakin' dingbat - he still doesn't hear too good. :D

[wasson]

My first really serious relationship, she said it about 2 months in. I totally freaked out and didn't know how to reply, so I just said "yeah, I know you do." She cried herself to sleep that night, but I couldn't bring myself to say those silly words. I wasn't really raised in a family who was open with their feelings or anything... I can't actually remember my mom or dad telling me they loved me or anything, although I knew they did. But still, it was hard for me to say.

Now, I subscribe to the Adam Carolla theory of "I love you's". Just say it. If someone says it to you, say it back. This "I want to MEAN it!" and "those words mean SO MUCH" ideas are totally silly. The words are basically meaningless, and its your actions that say how you really feel. If someone tells you they love you, there's only 2 appropriate responses:

1. "I love you too"
2. "I think we should break up."

It didn't work out between me and the first girl, but still, if I had it to do over I would have just said it back. I felt like crap for months knowing I made her cry and that I was so hung up over a couple dumb little words. Just say it.

[Autolycus]

Now, I subscribe to the Adam Carolla theory of "I love you's". Just say it. If someone says it to you, say it back. This "I want to MEAN it!" and "those words mean SO MUCH" ideas are totally silly. The words are basically meaningless, and its your actions that say how you really feel. If someone tells you they love you, there's only 2 appropriate responses:

1. "I love you too"
2. "I think we should break up."

I am going to have to disagree. I think love is a gift that should be freely given, and that an expression of love is a meaningful phrase that should not have a likewise reply as a necessary condition. When somebody gives a gift, that person would not demand a gift in return. I emphatically disagree that words are inherently meaningnless, and saying "I love you" as a way of not hurting some-one's feelings cheapens the phrase. If you hurt their feelings in this instance, that's something that needs to be talked about like adults, and you certainly shouldn't have to break up with somebody if you don't feel the same way in return at that very moment.

[wasson]

I am going to have to disagree. I think love is a gift that should be freely given, and that an expression of love is a meaningful phrase that should not have a likewise reply as a necessary condition. When somebody gives a gift, that person would not demand a gift in return. I emphatically disagree that words are inherently meaningnless, and saying "I love you" as a way of not hurting some-one's feelings cheapens the phrase. If you hurt their feelings in this instance, that's something that needs to be talked about like adults, and you certainly shouldn't have to break up with somebody if you don't feel the same way in return at that very moment.With all due respect, that's the naive way that I treated relationships through about age 22.

The phrase "I love you" is already totally meaningless, and whether you say it or not doesn't given it anymore special meaning. It's not that I would have said it to not hurt her feelings, it's that I really DID love her, but I wanted to assign way more meaning to that phrase than it was worth. Think about it like this...

I love my dog, I love my car, I love my iPhone, I love my dad, I love watching horror movies, I love my friends, I love Hot Pockets. I love lots of stuff in very different ways, and the fact that I was so hung up on not telling my girlfriend (with whom I'd had sex with, cuddled on the couch with, went on vacations with, and introduced to my parents) that I loved her was totally naive and silly.

Man, I'd be hard-pressed to think of 1 person these days who I willingly spend any significant amount of time with who I DON'T love in some way. So I just say it back when the event comes up. I recommend everyone do the same.

[Mahna Mahna]

Man, I'd be hard-pressed to think of 1 person these days who I willingly spend any significant amount of time with who I DON'T love in some way. So I just say it back when the event comes up. I recommend everyone do the same.

Yikes! No no no. I recommend the exact opposite, with a heavy dose of tact.

IMO, I would be MORE upset if I found out later that the words were said to spare my feelings. I would much much much rather have him respond with a gentle "I like you a lot, but I'm not sure I'm in love yet." if he isn't genuinely ready to reciprocate.

Let's put it this way. I love a lot of the friends I spend a significant amount of time with but I'd probably feel a little awkward if one of them was to gaze meaningfully into my eyes and say those words... and I'd probably be doing a hell of a lot of damage control to explain that my feelings for them are strictly platonic. Would you actually reply with "I love you too" in that scenario?

Those three words should only be used if you genuinely feel that you are IN love. Totally different concept from the way you feel about your iPod or pizza pockets.

[wasson]

IMO, I would be MORE upset if I found out later that the words were said to spare my feelings. I would much much much rather have him respond with a gentle "I like you a lot, but I'm not sure I'm in love yet." if he isn't genuinely ready to reciprocate.

There is no way in hell that this statement is true. In the aforementioned example, you want to hear the guy say "I love you" right back. Anything else would severely disappoint you.

Would you actually reply with "I love you too" in that scenario?

That scenario is pretty ridiculous and would never happen, but I imagine I'd say something like "Hey, right back at ya buddy!"

That said, the thread title is referring to your significant other, which is what I'm referring to as well. Obviously the rules are different if someone is telling you they love you who you have no feelings for. If some crazy psycho or purely platonic friend tells you they love you romantically, obviously no, the correct response isn't always a "I love you" back.

I feel like if I care about them enough to consider them my SO, I care about them enough to tell them "I love you" if it comes up. And if I don't, well, then I need to break up with them.