Please help me poke fun of my wife’s culture

[TokyoBayer]

OK, I must have been too obscure in this thread (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=465258), where I asked for help in combating really stupid old wives’ tales.

I mentioned a few over-the-top nuggets of supposed ancient wisdom which my wife’s friends have told me in all seriousness. “Don’t tap a pregnant woman on back, or she may get shocked.”

In response, I gave some counter example which I claimed were passed down by my grandmother, including not having sex in restaurants with random strangers and not losing money on the stock market.

So, because it apparently was too much of a whoosh, let me invite everyone to make up some new old wives’ tales concerning pregnancy.

How can we avoid shocking the modern pregnant woman?

[Gorgon Heap]

How can we avoid shocking the modern pregnant woman?


Don't tell her it's yours.

[Charter Member]

Don't use pepper spray on her when she sneezes?

[Hypno-Toad]

When the baby kicks, it's trying to swim.

[Shodan]

Giving daddy blow jobs is good for the baby.



Hey, it's worth a shot.

Regards,
Shodan

[zagloba]

I wouldn't think the baby's mouth would be big enough.

[Max Torque]

Pregnant women should never drink through a straw. The baby will be born with a permanent pucker.

Magnetic strips contain toxins that are very dangerous to the baby. Credit cards should not be carried or handled by pregnant women.

The gender of the baby can be influenced by the way a woman wipes after bathroom activities. For a boy, up and down. For a girl, a circular motion. Consistency is key.

Half-Japanese, half-gaijin babies are born with a full set of adult teeth. It's genetics.

[Bergomum]

The gender of the baby can be influenced by the way a woman wipes after bathroom activities. For a boy, up and down. For a girl, a circular motion. Consistency is key.The consistency of ...what?

Sure. The consistency determines how you should wipe.

What have babies got to do with it?

[tdn]

Pregnant women should not eat raw carrots. It will cause the baby to have astigmatism.

[Hypno-Toad]

If the husband is present at the birth, the child will develop myopia. In fact, the husband shouldn't even be in the same building, just to be safe.

Holding a grudge against the father about anything generates toxins in the body that can pass to the baby.

Just trying to help out my fellow man here.

[CalMeacham]

“Don’t tap a pregnant woman on back, or she may get shocked.”


If I don't know you're back there and you tap me on the back, I'll be shocked, and I'm not a woman or pregnant.

[TheLoadedDog]

Devise an extremely elaborate and solemn "American Beer Ceremony".

[Tristan]

Having sex (or swalling lots of semen) will help the child be born a boy, especially if done a lot early on. All those extra male hormones, you know. If she falls for this one, let us know... it could be very helpful.

She should avoid soap operas, as they will make a child emotionally fragile.

A spoon full of castor oil will help get labor started (this one was actually told to me in birthing class by a young unwed mother... I think she was 15. Her partner was her social worker...).

[Hypno-Toad]

"Eating chocolate during pregnancy will stunt the child's development."

I'd only use that one if you really want to get evil.

[fessie]

See, now I thought you meant something else in re: culture. Because I do know about the culture of New Mamas (the American version, anyway) and, well, we're all nuts. For the first few years at least, and sometimes much longer.

The Mother Lode for the insanity is the forums over at www.mothering.com.

- You must breastfeed your baby, or you are a rotten mother.
- You must use only organic cotton diapers, or you are a rotten mother.
- You must never let your baby cry in distress for any time or reason, or you are a rotten mother.
- You must give your child only wooden toys made by hand by Algerian peasants, or you are a rotten mother.
- You must always put your child's needs first, or you are a rotten mother.

and (the doozy)

- Vaccinated children lack "sparkle".

[Randy Seltzer]

A spoon full of castor oil will help get labor started (this one was actually told to me in birthing class by a young unwed mother... I think she was 15. Her partner was her social worker...).I have no idea whether it's true, but Wikipedia agrees with the 15-year-old unwed mother: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Castor_oil#Medicinal_use_of_castor_oil

[KneadToKnow]

Vaccinated children lack "sparkle".
How long does that usually take to run it's course?

[TokyoBayer]

Devise an extremely elaborate and solemn "American Beer Ceremony".Thank you and the others who have grasped my needs. Yup, we need more silly answers which are in my benefit!

[movingfinger]

Pregnant mom should sit close to the TV when any auto race, especially NASCAR, is on. Baby's first words should be, "Boogety boogety boogety; lets go racin'!"

[AskNott]

Magnetic strips contain toxins that are very dangerous to the baby. Credit cards should not be carried or handled by pregnant women.
...
I am absolutely certain that this is true. ;)

If an infant is allowed to sleep in the breeze of an electric fan, it can be very bad. Specifically, it will be bad for the rest of the people in the house or apartment.

[bouv]

If an infant is allowed to sleep in the breeze of an electric fan, it can be very bad. Specifically, it will be bad for the rest of the people in the house or apartment.

IIRC, TokyoPlayer's wife already believes this ("Fan Death" is a popular myth in Korea and Japan.) Which is why I would suggest to her that Western culture dictates that a pregnant woman should ALWAYS fall asleep with a fan blowing on her, so that the oxygen is "blown into" the fetus and it becomes very strong.

[brujaja]

While your wife is pregnant, you should say, "Yes, Mama." to her a lot.

It encourages filial obedience in the developing fetus. ;)




P.S. Make fun of. Poke fun at.

[Pullet]

Going to a sporting event that requires paying at least $50 for tickets every month during the pregnancy will keep the kid from becoming autistic.

[Nava]

"Eating chocolate during pregnancy will stunt the child's development."

I'd only use that one if you really want to get evil.

Sounds more like "if you want to get killed."

The following gem was recently on TV and involved several high-ranking Spanish government officers. Rephrased: "it has not been proven that working with a computer or a photocopier is safe for a pregnant woman, therefore women should refrain from any activity involving such." I suggest not telling this to a pregnant gamer unless you feel like finding out what a controllerfull of teeth tastes like.

[Nava]

How long does that usually take to run it's course?

Until the kid goes through the Stick Pointy Metallic Item Into Socket Plug ceremony. That puts the spark(le) back in them all right.

[TokyoBayer]

Going to a sporting event that requires paying at least $50 for tickets every month during the pregnancy will keep the kid from becoming autistic.This is good. I'll make her sit through a K1 fight.

[Lissla Lissar]

Vaccinated children lack "sparkle".
What? Oh, yeah, because kids with polio are much sparklier.

[The Them]

Really good home-cooked gourmet meals are more nutritious for the young'un to be, and should be made very day.

[DanBlather]

What? Oh, yeah, because kids with polio are much sparklier.If you polish up the stainless steel on the braces.

[Zebra]

A pregnant wouman should perform oral sex on her husband every day or the baby will be stupid and ugly.

[Happy Scrappy Hero Pup]

She should eat plenty of frozen waffles.

That way the kid will be prepared to teethe on them.

:D

[TokyoBayer]

A pregnant wouman should perform oral sex on her husband every day or the baby will be stupid and ugly.Good, good, good. Keep them cumming.

[Zebra]

A pregnant woman should never use the word 'no' as it creates a negative envrionment for the baby.

[Wargamer]

Developing babies can sense negativity, so an expectant mother should refrain from disagreement about anything, as that would cause stress to the unborn child.

[Sunrazor]

Expectant fathers should drink several beers every night to build up their biceps for lifting the child, this relieving the mother of having to carry the baby.

Also, men should never handle dirty diapers because too much exposure to urine and fecal matter causes low sperm count. It's a closely guarded secret that municipal sewer workers have some of the lowerst sperm counts in America.

Flirting with pretty women during his wife's pregnancy helps the expectant father bond with the baby after birth; the more flirting, the better the bonding.

Finally, long hours spent playing video and computer games helps fathers-to-be gain the dexterity they need to keep up with the little tyke when he/she becomes mobile

[Count Blucher]

Expectant mothers should not read; it will cause the baby to need glasses from eye strain.

Car rides are very traumatic for unborn children. If the distance is less than 4 blocks, the mother should walk. If she must ride, her hands should be by her sides at all times, she should be as quiet as possible (so as not to traumatize the child further) and under no circumstances should she ever touch the radio, lest the sound waves affect the baby.

Madge the Beautician was right all along; womens (and baby's ) hands get softer if they soak in dishwashing liquid. Say for about 20 minutes every night between 6 and 7 pm.

The most perfectly balanced meal for the mother of an unborn child is either garlic-and-onion spiced Haggis or fresh liver. Both should always be garnished with lime jello, which might help fight calcium deficiency in later years...

[Zebra]

The best way to deal with postpartum depression is to soundproof the gararge.

[TokyoBayer]

More silliness from Taiwan.

According to my wife, she can’t go to her friend’s wedding, because being in a “congratulatory” time will interfere with the “congratulatoryness” of the bride, but because the bride’s congratulatoryness of the bride is stronger, the baby will suffer.