Red flags you completely missed at the time and kicked yourself for later

[Illuminatiprimus]

This was inspired by the "advice you wished you'd taken" (hey, might not have been the title but that's what it's ended up being) thread.

What things have happened to you that gave you a clear warning sign or made you think what you were doing was right/wrong but you ignored and later regretted it?

Mine is actually quite trivial in the overall scheme of things but ten years ago (when I was the tender age of 18 and didn't know better) I was dating a guy who I was totally in love with (as much as I tried to deny it to myself). We were part of a group of friends who clubbed together (it's how we met) and one night one of his friends came along. This friend was extremely good looking and married but had basically decided he now liked boys and was on the rampage for cock that night, and ended up copping off with one of my other friends. After the night was over and my boyf and I were in bed we were discussing this guy and how his behaviour was a bit skeevy when my boyf said "Yeah but he's really hot and he was making moves on me - if he hadn't been married he'd probably be here now instead of you".

:dubious:

You heard me right. Listening to that bit of dialogue again with some greater experience, maturity and emotional intelligence ten years later I think what I should have done was realise this guy was, quite simply, a cunt, take the things I had at his place the next morning ("oh I'm just conscious that I'm cluttering your place up with all my stuff"), leave and not speak to him ever again. But I didn't, and surprise surprise got my heart pretty much torn out and thrown back in my face a few weeks later when he slept with one of our mutual friends and then pretty much froze me out of our mutual group of friends.

:(

Anyway, long time ago and it doesn't even provoke an emotional response from me now, but it's one that has always stuck in my mind of when I should have listened to what my gut was telling me at the time (RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!) and I didn't.

[AuntiePam]

I can't top that.

When I was 17 and dating my first husband, I thought his jealousy and controlling behavior was a sure sign of real, true, deep, everlasting love.

I'm not sure the term "controlling behavior" was in wide use in 1962. I didn't recognize it as such, that's for sure.

Edit to add examples: He broke a window out of my car one night when I went to the lake without him. Another time he took the distributor cap off my car. And he beat up an old boyfriend because he played "our song" on a jukebox.

[Chimera]

As I said after my separation and divorce:

I walked through an entire forest of red flags to marry the woman I loved.
And got beaten with every last one of them on the way out.

Love makes us blind and stupid.

[BrknButterfly]

Two days after we got married and were on our honeymoon he saw that I had woken up, he came over to me and said, "Are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with me?"

I saw the red flags early on, but I chose to ignored them because he was good in bed. Hell, I'm being honest. Stupid, stupid reason. And our relationship wasn't all bad, he was a sweet guy.. just not for me. Plus the sex got dull and routine, and he got controlling.

[Illuminatiprimus]

:confused:

I can't top that.

I think you mean "can", your example sounds much more unpleasant and potentially more difficult a situation to deal with.

[AuntiePam]

But yours was more interesting. Mine is pretty common. Sadly.

[Illuminatiprimus]

But yours was more interesting. Mine is pretty common. Sadly. Well, thanks I guess, although I wasn't playing "woeier than thou" I assure you (and I'd rather have had my situation than yours - my sympathies for what must have been a very crappy time).

[Illuminatiprimus]

Oh, it's probably worth pointing out that I'm a boy too - the issue in my OP was my boyf essentially saying I was disposable, not declaring his latent homoness ;)

[Moirai]

I was 18 and dating a 30 year old guy who drank a case of beer every day, raced motorcycles for a living, had a garage wall covered with pics of his (hella ugly) old girlfriends in various states of undress and liked cocaine a lot.

True love, baby. :eek:

Of course, I dated some version of "Him" from the first date of my life until I met my husband.

[AuntiePam]

Well, thanks I guess, although I wasn't playing "woeier than thou" I assure you (and I'd rather have had my situation than yours - my sympathies for what must have been a very crappy time).

Sympathy appreciated. :) It wasn't all bad, and I have four great kids who picked up none of his behavior, thank heaven.

[Sleeps With Butterflies]

When I was 17 and dating my first husband, I thought his jealousy and controlling behavior was a sure sign of real, true, deep, everlasting love.


This.

I didn't end up marrying him, but I spent too long with someone who wanted to know where I was at all times. If I went to the grocery store, he'd page me to the service desk to be sure I was there. At 18, I actually thought that was sweet.

::shudder::

Of course, now I have commitment issues ;)

[Autolycus]

The whole "I'm married part." I should have left things alone. It's a long story, and it ended mostly well, but I could have prevented a lot of heartache and devastation.

Oh well, pains a way to learn.

[Speaker for the Dead]

Oh, it's probably worth pointing out that I'm a boy too - the issue in my OP was my boyf essentially saying I was disposable, not declaring his latent homoness ;)
Your story suddenly makes way more sense. I was waiting for the "and then he told me he was gay!" part.

[kunilou]

Looking back, I can say that during our courtship my first wiife wasn't just raising red flags, she was setting them on fire and throwing them at me. Posessiveness, lying, infidelity, manipulation, inability to commit to a relationship, they were all there.

I never had a clue. I was an idiot.

[Koxinga]

This.

I didn't end up marrying him, but I spent too long with someone who wanted to know where I was at all times. If I went to the grocery store, he'd page me to the service desk to be sure I was there. At 18, I actually thought that was sweet.

::shudder::

Of course, now I have commitment issues ;)

I once worked with a girl about that age whose boyfriend was extremely controlling. Always all giggly about him, but nervous--whenever the topic of her boyfriend came up, she would reflexively glance over her shoulder to make sure he wasn't standing behind her. Coworkers would warn her that this relationship was trouble, but she would dismiss them by tittering, "but I love him!" She confided that she would never have to worry about boyfriend beating her, because her daddy had had a talk with him: if she ever got that far out of line, daddy said he would beat her instead. Cue more mushy giggling.

[overlyverbose]

I was a huge moron during my previous long-term relationships. In relationship 1, I iglnored it when my then boyfriend slammed me into a locker hard enough to give me a mild concussion when I made a light joke about him in a group of friends. When one of them took me aside later to tell me I should dump, him I was dumb enough to defend him. Four years later, after much, much worse, I only got the courage to dump him when I moved out of the state.

Relationship 2 was idiotic - I actually let some shithead quiz me on classical music to make me more "well-rounded." Plus, he freaked out every time I ate something that had more than 5 grams of fat in it per meal. I think he was worried I'd get fat, but he said he was concerned I'd get cancer. The only thing I was upset about when he dumped me was that I hadn't gotten to it first.

Relationship 1 could have been chalked up to being young and stupid and scared; there was no excuse for relationship 2. I knew better and was planning to get out of it anyway - I just got lazy.

[Sleeps With Butterflies]

I once worked with a girl about that age whose boyfriend was extremely controlling. Always all giggly about him, but nervous--whenever the topic of her boyfriend came up, she would reflexively glance over her shoulder to make sure he wasn't standing behind her. Coworkers would warn her that this relationship was trouble, but she would dismiss them by tittering, "but I love him!" She confided that she would never have to worry about boyfriend beating her, because her daddy had had a talk with him: if she ever got that far out of line, daddy said he would beat her instead. Cue more mushy giggling.

Oh yeah. The stupidest part for me was that I stayed with him even AFTER I figured out that he was an asshole. Weirdly enough, it was partly because I'd defended him so much to my friends and I didn't want them to be "right" about him. It's a wonder I've survived so long in the world being so dense.

At least I learned a big lesson.

[Koxinga]

Oh yeah. The stupidest part for me was that I stayed with him even AFTER I figured out that he was an asshole. Weirdly enough, it was partly because I'd defended him so much to my friends and I didn't want them to be "right" about him. It's a wonder I've survived so long in the world being so dense.

Whoah. Your dad didn't volunteer to beat you on his behalf, did he? I thought I was dredging up a case of "at least nobody I know has it that bad".

Anyway, glad things are better for you now.

[Mosier]

Loaning money ALWAYS turns into a big mess that ends up damaging relationships. I've lost at least 2 friends and have come pretty close to losing my relationship with my parents because of money. The last time my mother asked me for money, I told her no, and now we have an excellent relationship that isn't tainted by the idea that someone is having something like that held over their head.

Don't lend anyone money or they will hate you for it. Don't ask anyone for money either, or you will hate them for it.

[maggenpye]

At 21 I told my live-in boyfriend that I'd been date raped when I was 15 (until then, the only other sexual partner I'd ever had). He got jealous that I'd 'discovered' sex younger than he did.

At 32, a different guy said (and I'm not kidding); "Oh great, I don't need to lie to you." I thought that meant he wouldn't :smack: .

[Nava]

Not a relationship thing.

I was in Grad School, heading for a PhD. I got a fellowship from my local government: it paid living expenses but not tuition and had as one of its conditions that I would not be teaching while I had it. For the tuition, I arranged an RAship.

A short time later, my boss started giving me those pieces of research which needed the least amount of attention from the researcher. The way I saw it, it was more logical to give me those things which required a lot of human touch, as I happened to be the person in the group who had more time available for research, right?

I talked about it with him, he said he reckoned those tasks "completed" the work I'd already done and published. And well, that's what advisors are for, right, to advise you.

I ended up getting an "MS without Thesis" after he'd published an article without my name (60% of said article is mine) and informed me that since I was "the best researcher I've ever met" and "a foreigner who can't do anything without my permission," he didn't intend to let me get my PhD in less than 11 years.

If I'd realized what an ass he was, I could have tried to move to a different college within the same university before I'd gotten totally fed up with research, academia and the horse they rode in on.

It cost him his tenure, too, as I didn't yell as loud as I could (and perhaps should) have, but I did yell.

[John Carter of Mars]

Red Flags....

A friend of mine once stated that if your wife lost 20 pounds, lightened her hair and started going to a tanning salon, you were soon going to be divorced. You may not know it yet, but divorce is on the near horizon.

Careful observation on my part has proved this to be true.

[Mahna Mahna]

He'd spend hours in front of the mirror getting his hair just the right kind of messy.
He was a boyishly handsome freelance graphics designer and web programmer.
He had the funkiest sense of style I've ever seen in a guy (and wore some very very tight shirts).
He was in the process of applying for a New Media Arts program at a local arts college.
His favourite movie was Hedwig and the Angry Inch.

...do you see where this is going? I didn't, until his application to arts college came through and he suddenly decided that he "needed to take some time to explore who he is".

On the other hand, the BF he dumped me for was awfully cute.

(and yes, I'm a girl)

[Speaker for the Dead]

Red Flags....

A friend of mine once stated that if your wife lost 20 pounds, lightened her hair and started going to a tanning salon, you were soon going to be divorced. You may not know it yet, but divorce is on the near horizon.

Careful observation on my part has proved this to be true.
Anecdotal counter: my mother did that about a decade ago, and there hasn't been a divorce yet.

[Dung Beetle]

Controlling and abusive behavior, anger management and authority problems, for both of my kids' fathers.

When the first one presented me with an ultimatum ("Move in with me tomorrow or we're through"), I dimly thought, "This is…bad." But at that age, I didn't really have any concept of what bad could be. Yep, I moved in, and found him to be a fine teacher of bad.

However, I was a slow student, and several years later, when I saw the second one having a tantrum at work, cursing and throwing large heavy things around a crowded room, I only thought, "He never treats me like that…"

[Malacandra]

On reflection, being told "You're the kind of man I could fall madly in love with" by the first moderately attractive young woman in, like, forever, to be interested in me should have been occasion more for thinking "Run, run away fast" and not so much "All my birthdays have come at once, thank you God", what with only having known each other for a few hours, but what can I say other than reiterate that part about the first moderately attractive young woman in, like, forever?

[Incubus]

Just broke up with a girl yesterday, so this is a pretty relevant post in self-reflection :o

When I got with her a month ago (yeah, yeah, not a long amount of time has passed but the point is I should've known better) I had known she was incredibly busy. She was either working, going to school, or hanging out with friends until 4AM. I have the kind of job where it is a real liability to deprive yourself of sleep, so I obviously could not be out until 4 AM hanging out with her. So she wasn't happy because either our schedules conflicted or she was available but I was tired and just wanted to go to bed. While she could decide whether or not she wanted to go to class the next morning, or whether she was going to write that paper now or later, I didn't have the luxury of blowing off work. I stupidly thought it would work itself out.

The one before that was a picky eater and had motivation problems, and I had made the mistake of trying to either encourage her to change or learn to accept it. Neither one happened, making both of us miserable. We're friends now, though, which is nice, since I've finally been able to let go of the stupid little things I couldn't stand when we were together for 2 years :)

[Missy2U]

His wedding ring and the wife in another state.

God - I put the STUPID in young and stupid.

[ArrMatey!]

Not a relationship issue either, but one I'm surprised didn't hit me until it did.

In high school, my senior year, I sat next to a guy in one of my classes who, even knowing I was jewish, would make the most awful anti-semetic jokes he could. I thought he was just messing around with religious ideas, so I'd make some anti-catholic remark.
He'd then hit me.
I mean, not like punch me in the eye or anything, but it was definately more than a playful, joking punch. It took me until many years later to realize that, well, the guy was pretty anti-semetic. *shrug*.

I could go on about all the signs in the relationship one, but:
1) I've talked about it enough here.
2) I could've actually been seeing things that weren't really there, and
3) Hi, Opal!

[WormTheRed]

Saying "sure, go visit your ex who´s an exchange student in Australia"... and then expecting nothing to happen between them.

Yeah, right.

[Hypno-Toad]

The fact that although she was happy to come to my place, I was not allowed in hers. She didn't like it when I stopped by even though we live in the same apartment complex. If I came by unannounced (or at all), it obviously meant that I was stalking her. She made sure to tell this to everybody. Except me.

[AuntiePam]

However, I was a slow student, and several years later, when I saw the second one having a tantrum at work, cursing and throwing large heavy things around a crowded room, I only thought, "He never treats me like that…"

You are so not alone. One of my mantras in my first marriage was "At least he never hits me (or the kids)."

My daughter said this too, the second or third time she left an abusive BF and moved back home. "Well, at least he never put me in the hospital" (like he did with other women). She didn't get shed of him for good until he tried to strangle her.

She wasn't defending him. She was defending herself, for staying with him. That should always be a red flag -- having to justify staying with someone.

[Dung Beetle]

You are so not alone. One of my mantras in my first marriage was "At least he never hits me (or the kids)."


Between this thread and the one about biggest lies, I'm definitely not feeling quite as alone in this!

[AngryIrishLass]

"It's a work thing hun, that's why I have to take Stacey." If I had a dollar for everytime I heard that he wouldn't have had to pay alimony.

[Kalypso]

You are so not alone. One of my mantras in my first marriage was "At least he never hits me (or the kids)."

I'll add, "He's never hit me hard." I stayed with him form the time I was 16 until the time I was 30, and during the worst part I had a baby...on purpose. I'll third, fourth, fifth, whatever the notion that if you have to justify staying, or his bad behavior you shouldn't be able to even see around the red flag.

[taterbug3918]

He kept talking about his mother on our first date. The year previous I had just ended a three year relationship with a total wuss who was a complete mommas boy.

Its been two years since that first date and we're breaking up. He's almost 30 and his mother is WAY too involved, and it will never change. I should have seen this coming.

[Kolga]

He wouldn't take "no" when he invited himself over to my apartment to watch movies after our first date.

He never left, and we ended up together for three years, in which he robbed me blind to fund his crack habit. Suffice to say I had massive self-esteem issues that led me to stay in the relationship.

It reminds me of the quote from City Slickers: "We had different needs. I needed him to treat me decently and get a job, and he needed to empty my bank account and leave. "

[HeyHomie]

My sophomore year of college I developed a severe case of clinical depression. Only I didn't know it at the time, because it was the late 1980's and mental illness wasn't as openly discussed as it is now, and I didn't know enough about the disease to realize I had it. I lost all motivation to do anything - For two years I hardly ever went to class, I had no friends and no social life, my grades tanked, and all I did was sit around in my apartment and watch TV, all subsidized by student loans that I'm paying on to this day. I wound up dropping out of college and transferring to a different one, where I got a degree in a narrow field.

Personally, switching colleges was a good move - I met the woman who would become my wife, and I made great friends and have fond memories. Professionally, however, it was a disaster. I could be making millions right now if I'd chosen a different career path.

If I'd known about the signs of depression back then, I'd have gotten help and my life would have turned out quite a bit differently.

[Laughing Lagomorph]

When my wife started telling me she thought people were using electronic devices to eavesdrop on and record our conversations in the house, the car, her work, my work, my son's school, and that people were following her around it took me months to seriously consider the possibility she was mentally ill.


:smack:

[Gatopescado]

I was 18 and dating a 30 year old guy who drank a case of beer every day, raced motorcycles for a living, had a garage wall covered with pics of his (hella ugly) old girlfriends in various states of undress and liked cocaine a lot.



Hey! I was always good to ya!

[NajaNivea]

When my wife started telling me she thought people were using electronic devices to eavesdrop on and record our conversations in the house, the car, her work, my work, my son's school, and that people were following her around it took me months to seriously consider the possibility she was mentally ill.
Hey, how's that going?

[Laughing Lagomorph]

Hey, how's that going?

I know a lot of people are probably wondering and I genuinely appreciate and am touched by everyone's concern. I was planning on starting an update thread soon.

The short answer, for now: she has been asymptomatic since February. This is exactly what happened the year before, she seemed fine from February through November then it came back with a vengeance. From what I have read online this is often how Delusional Disorder starts, there are a few isolated episodes then it becomes a more or less full time thing.

The good news is that she is seeing a psychiatrist. The bad news is that she went to him not for the delusions but for her ADHD symptoms. She is now taking a Ritalin-type drug for her ADHD, she claims it helps her. I honestly don't notice much of a difference but then her ADHD symptoms never bothered me all that much.

She still has zero insight into her delusional episodes. She generally refuses to discuss them if I bring it up. The way she remembers it I got angry with her because she "started to do more things for herself" and that I couldn't handle her ADHD symptoms (again, this hadn't really been a problem for the previous 15 years, it was the delusions and associated behavior that bothered me).

If/when they start up again I hope to get her to talk to her psychiatrist about her "stress". If necessary I will call him first to tell him what is going on, I suspect she hasn't told him the whole story. She never told me his name and didn't tell me she was going to see him for weeks, I have since been able to find out his name so I can contact him as soon as it starts up again.

[Harriet the Spry]

My red flag story is about a guy I dated in college. We had gone out casually a few times and we had plans to go out to a big event with a group of mutual friends. He had been extremely nice and sweet and fun to hang around with. About a week before the event, his friends started advising me that when he drank he turned into a "total octopus." I sort of blew this off because I did like the guy and he hadn't seemed at all pushy before. Well, it turns out his friends knew of what they spoke. I'm not sure if it was the second or the third drink, but it was "Hello, human cephalopod, hail Emperor Octavus VIII, paging the NY Times, I've found Client #8." I've never seen someone's personality change quite that much from drinking.

[NajaNivea]

Thanks for the update, Laughing Lagomorph. I'm really glad you posted, I was actually thinking of you a few weeks back in talking to a friend who lives with her brother, who's a paranoid schizophrenic.
Anyway, sending you my very best thoughts, as I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to live with a delusional partner, or to have to watch them going through these changes.