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View Full Version : RIDICULOUSLY Corny Jokes, Appropriate for 3rd-Graders


HeyHomie
06-02-2008, 08:44 AM
I've been appointed to do a standup comedy routine for a gathering of 3rd- and 4th-graders at church next weekend. I need some unbelievably corny jokes (my whole schtick is going to be that I'm incapable of telling a remotely funny joke; they're all going to be corny zingers - I'll even have a guy at the drums to provide rimshots).

Here's what I've got so far:

ME (TO STRAIGHT MAN): Hey Justin, a good friend of mine got hurt at work, and now he has a weak back.

STRAIGHT MAN: Oh no, when did that happen?

ME: About a week back. :: rimshot ::

--

ME (TO STRAIGHT MAN): Hey Justin, what's your favorite baseball team?

STRAIGHT MAN: The St. Louis Cardinals.

ME: I'm sorry?

STRAIGHT MAN: I said "The Cardinals."

ME: I heard you, I'm just sorry. :: rimshot ::

--

ME (TO AUDIENCE): Have any of you guys ever been to Hawaii?

*LETS AUDIENCE RESPOND*

ME: Well, I know a little Hawaiian..... Her name is Lilo and she's going into 2nd grade. :: rimshot ::

--

Any more ideas?

TIA

Harriet the Spry
06-02-2008, 10:28 AM
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

Adversary
06-02-2008, 10:49 AM
What time do you go to the dentist?

Two-thirty
(Tooth-Hurty)

DanBlather
06-02-2008, 10:55 AM
What pink and puffy?
A pink puff.

What's blue and puffy?
A pink puff holdng its breath.

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

Savannah
06-02-2008, 11:05 AM
What's red and sticky?

Baton Rouge.

Musicat
06-02-2008, 11:08 AM
How about elephant jokes? (http://www.azkidsnet.com/elephant.htm) They're so old that they're due for a revival.

meow meow
06-02-2008, 11:10 AM
Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Becasue 789!
(7 ate 9, getit?)

Beadalin
06-02-2008, 11:13 AM
What's about a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.

BrainGlutton
06-02-2008, 11:40 AM
Knock-knock!

Who's there?

Banana!

Banana who?

Knock-knock!

Who's there?

Banana!

Banana who?

Knock-knock!

Who's there?

Banana!

Banana who?

Knock-knock!

Who's there?

Orange!

Orange who?

Orange you glad I didn't say "banana" again?

emmaliminal
06-02-2008, 11:47 AM
Knock-knock!

Who's there?

Annoying Cow!

Annoying Cow wh---MOOOOO.

CJJ*
06-02-2008, 12:18 PM
What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants coming over the hill?
"Hey, here comes a herd of elephants coming over the hill.
What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants wearing sunglasses coming over the hill?
Nothing; he couldn't recognize them in disguise.

Pithy Moniker
06-02-2008, 12:21 PM
I saw a little girl tell this one on television. Her deadpan delivery just made it.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Where's my tractor?

gonzomax
06-02-2008, 12:22 PM
Duck walks into a drug store and buys a chapstick. Clerk says will that be cash or charge. Duck says neither ,put it on my bill.

Ogre
06-02-2008, 12:41 PM
Knock-knock!

Who's there?

Annoying Cow!

Annoying Cow wh---MOOOOO.No no no no! It's "The Interrupting Cow"!

emmaliminal
06-02-2008, 12:55 PM
No no no no! It's "The Interrupting Cow"!Nuh uh! It's ANNOYING Cow. Only you have to be really annoying when you do it. Maybe you can't be annoying enough so you had to say Interrupting, so there. :p

Avarie537
06-02-2008, 12:59 PM
What's invisible and smells like carrots?

A bunny fart!

Telemark
06-02-2008, 01:01 PM
What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt!

burundi
06-02-2008, 01:14 PM
How do you catch a unique rabbit?

You 'neak up on him!

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

The tame way, you 'neak up on him!

Bryan Ekers
06-02-2008, 01:20 PM
Annoying Cow!

I'm with Ogre - it's "interrupting cow."

As a followup, tell the one about the interrupting starfish. When they get to their second question, cover their face with your palm, your fingers spread out.

Beadalin
06-02-2008, 01:22 PM
Nuh uh! It's ANNOYING Cow. Only you have to be really annoying when you do it. Maybe you can't be annoying enough so you had to say Interrupting, so there. :pYou're both wrong. It's Impatient Cow. So there.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Skywatcher
06-02-2008, 01:47 PM
Here. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjtx_GW9Lsc) Here, too. (http://www.bluelyrics.net/s/spike_jones_lyrics/de_camptown_races_lyrics.html)

Diogenes the Cynic
06-02-2008, 01:52 PM
This is one my daughter came up with.

What kind of horns does an ant have?
Antlers.

Tenebras
06-02-2008, 02:01 PM
Two sausages in a frying pan. One of them says "Hey, it's getting hot in here." The other one says "AHHH! Talking sausage!"

Skywatcher
06-02-2008, 02:07 PM
Can you rig up a telephone to spray stuff? (http://youtube.com/watch?v=-LwMZHrRG0I)

Frostillicus
06-02-2008, 02:20 PM
Q: If you're an American when you walk into the bathroom, and you're an American when you walk out of the bathroom, what are you while you are in the bathroom?

A: European.

glee
06-02-2008, 02:31 PM
It's interrupting cow.

I went for a job cleaning up litter. I asked how to do it and they said "You'll pick it up as you go along."

Two goldfish in a tank. One of them says "How do you drive this?"
Two parrots on a perch. One of them says "Can you smell fish?"

gwendee
06-02-2008, 02:39 PM
Two sausages in a frying pan. One of them says "Hey, it's getting hot in here." The other one says "AHHH! Talking sausage!"

This is my new favorite joke!!!

Previously it was the INTERUPTING cow knock knock joke.

OtakuLoki
06-02-2008, 03:28 PM
Well, for corny you can't beat Doodles Weaver off of the old Spike Jones albums.



Did you hear about the goat who married an owl?

They had a hootenanny!



For a few less *ahem* pedigreed jokes:


Q: What did Bozo the Clown say when he saw a pile of poop in front of that red-headed marionette?

A: "How'd he doody?"



Q: What's a chicken's favorite vegetable?

A: Bwokoli


Q: Why should you make sure to never carry you iPod in the same bag as lemons?

A: To keep the notes from going sour.

Skywatcher
06-02-2008, 03:29 PM
Well, for corny you can't beat Doodles Weaver off of the old Spike Jones albums.Link #2, post #21. There's another one but the words don't seem to be online anywhere.

MadTheSwine
06-02-2008, 03:44 PM
At a bus station..

I'd like one ticket to Albany please...but can you tell me ,do you go by Buffalo?

No,we go by bus.

schnuckiputzi
06-02-2008, 03:46 PM
:( I tried the interrupting starfish joke on my 13-yr. old son, and he licked my hand. k :(

MsWhatsit
06-02-2008, 03:47 PM
Courtesy of Whatsit Jr.:

What's a tuba plus a tuba?

A four-ba

beanpod
06-02-2008, 04:00 PM
One of my favorites, but it requires a captive (like a knock-knock joke) and an odd outlook on life.

You: Wanna hear a joke?
Victim: Ok, sure.
You: Ok, ask me if I'm a truck.
(It may be necessary to encourage them here with a confidence that promises great rewards. "Go ahead, ask me if I'm a truck." )
Victim: Ok... Are you a truck?
You: :dubious: No. (You MUST deadpan this and stare them STRAIGHT in the eye or it won't work.)

Then one of two things happens:
1) Victim: *crumbles in the face of your deadpan delivery and giggles*
2) Victim: Weirdo.

Sometimes, someone will giggle with me at the absurdity, and then I know I've made a friend.

It's funny in person, really.

Vimp
06-02-2008, 04:08 PM
How do you catch a squirrel up in a tree?

Climb the tree and act like a nut.


(may be too dumb for third-graders, but works great on five-year olds)

Malacandra
06-02-2008, 04:15 PM
"There were three camels; one called Pardon-Pardon-Pardon, one called Pardon-Pardon, and one called Pardon. Pardon-Pardon-Pardon and Pardon-Pardon died, so who was left?"

"Pardon."

"There were three camels..."

Crown Prince of Irony
06-02-2008, 04:22 PM
Here's one I made up the other day:

What did the reporter say at the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade when the dugong balloon crashed in flames?
.
.
.
"Oh the huge manatee!!"


When I told this to my family, the wife gave me a big :dubious:, but my two daughters (K and 2nd grade) laughed like maniacs. Why? Never mind that it makes light of one of the worst aviation disasters ever, and that most kids wouldn't even know the Hindenberg reference to begin with. They laugh because the words "dugong" and "manatee" are frickin' hilarious.

Lemur866
06-02-2008, 04:42 PM
How do you keep a werewolf from going crazy on Halloween night?
Shoot him in September.
Why do white sheep eat more grass than black sheep?
Because there are more white sheep.
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
To hide in strawberry patches.
You say you never saw an elephant in a strawberry patch? That proves it works.
What's gray and has big ears and a trunk?
A mouse going on vacation.
I love this one, but it might not be appropriate for 3rd graders.

What's gray and comes in quarts?
An elephant.

Lemur866
06-02-2008, 04:44 PM
Oh, you've got a straight man!

Well, how about this:

What's the difference between an elephant and a quart of milk?
Uh, I don't know.
Well, if you don't know, I'm certainly not going to send you to the store for a quart of milk!

NurseCarmen
06-02-2008, 05:00 PM
Knock knock?

Who is there?

I'm a pile up.

I'm a pile up who?

Awwww, don't be so hard on yourself.

(sounds like I'm a pile of poo)

Yllaria
06-02-2008, 05:24 PM
knock, knock
who's there
Ether
Ether, who?
Ether bunny.

knock, knock
who's there
Cargo
Cargo, who?
Car go 'beep beep,' run over Ether bunny.

lobotomyboy63
06-02-2008, 05:42 PM
Why do feet smell and noses run?

Frylock
06-02-2008, 05:53 PM
Best way to kill a clown?

Hit him in the face with an axe.

What? Kids hate clowns? They'll love it.

-FrL-

WarmNPrickly
06-02-2008, 05:59 PM
What's the capital of North Korea?

Two fifty!

OK maybe not entirely PC but it teaches the difference between capital and capitol. Insert any poor country.

nikonikosuru
06-02-2008, 06:01 PM
How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

elfkin477
06-02-2008, 06:03 PM
Q: Why do you go to bed?
A: Because the bed won't come to you!

Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed.

Q: Which hand is it better to write with?
A: Neither, it's best to write with a pen!

Why did the Skeleton go to the movies by himself?
He had no body to go with him.

A policeman saw a man walking down the street with a penguin. He told the man he should take the penguin to the zoo.'Good idea', the man replied, and off he went. The next day the policeman saw the man again, and he still had the penguin with him. 'I thought I told you to take the penguin to the zoo', the policeman said. 'I did', answered the man, 'and today I'm taking him to the movies!'

This one works for school kids if you turn "bar" into "store" and "bartender" to "clerk":
A duck walks into a bar and says "Got any grapes?" and the bartender says "No we don't sell grapes!". So the next day the duck comes back and says "Got any grapes?" and the bartender says "No we don't sell grapes, and the next time you come in here for grapes I'm going to nail your feet to the ground!!" So the next day the duck comes back and says "Got any nails?" and the bartender says "No, we don't sell nails" so the duck says "Got any hammers?" and the bartender says "No we don't sell hammers!" So the duck says "Got any grapes?"

zagloba
06-02-2008, 06:23 PM
"There were three camels; one called Pardon-Pardon-Pardon, one called Pardon-Pardon, and one called Pardon. Pardon-Pardon-Pardon and Pardon-Pardon died, so who was left?"

"Pardon."

"There were three camels..."The variation my Dad inflicted on me ... repeatedly:

DAD: Adam and Eve and Pinchme went out to the sea to swim. Adam and Eve drowned. Who was left?

MUCH YOUNGER AND MORE GULLIBLE ME: Pinchme. Ow! Why did you do that?

as_u_wish
06-02-2008, 06:25 PM
So, um, beanpod, ARE you a truck?

Contrapuntal
06-02-2008, 06:41 PM
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

Dam!




What is a tree's least favorite month?

SepTIMBERRRRR!

Carson O'Genic
06-02-2008, 07:26 PM
Why DIDN'T the skeleton crosss the road?

He didn't have the guts.



Mom rabbit to Dad rabbit, eating the gardener's produce:
These carrots sure are pithy! Junior rabbit:

They should be, I pithed on them.

BrainGlutton
06-02-2008, 08:00 PM
What's purple and hums?

An electric grape!

Why does it hum?

Because it doesn't know the words!

BrainGlutton
06-02-2008, 08:01 PM
Pete and Repete were at the top of a building. Pete jumped off. Who was left?

Repete.

Pete and Repete were at the top of a building . . .

(Repete until meltdown)

Civil Guy
06-03-2008, 01:06 AM
They're after me! They're after me! The squirrels! They think I'm nuts!


It's all around me! It's all around me! My belt!


There was an old owl who lived in an oak.
The more he saw, the less he spoke.
The less he spoke, the more he heard.
Come on, get with it, and be like that bird.

Tapioca Dextrin
06-03-2008, 02:29 AM
What do you call a deer that can't see?

No eyed deer

What do you call a sleeping deer that can't see

Still no eyed deer

Saint Cad
06-03-2008, 02:44 AM
What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

snowballs

Paul The Younger
06-03-2008, 02:48 AM
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

BACI
06-03-2008, 07:20 AM
I don't think this will work in the US, but Aussies and Poms might like it:

Q. What are Hundreds & Thousands?

A. Smartie poo.

BobLibDem
06-03-2008, 07:32 AM
Q Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A They taste funny

--------------------
The cannibals were eating stew and the chief calls the cook over. "This stew tastes awful! How did you make it?"

"Well, we captured this guy and boiled him and cut him up."

"Let me see his clothes!" They walk to the kitchen and the cook points out the clothes that the entree was wearing- black pants and shirt and a white collar. "No wonder it tastes bad! You shouldn't have boiled him- he was a friar!"
---------------------

Tonto says to the Lone Ranger, "Me no like your horse, kemosabe"
"Shut up and eat!"

----------------------

Why did the moron throw his clock out the window?
He wanted to see time fly.

Skywatcher
06-03-2008, 12:07 PM
knock, knock
who's there
Ether
Ether, who?
Ether bunny.

knock, knock
who's there
Cargo
Cargo, who?
Car go 'beep beep,' run over Ether bunny.
knock, knock
who's there
Boo
Boo, who?
Don't cry, Ether bunny come back next year.

BrainGlutton
06-03-2008, 12:51 PM
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?

Hellifino.


A missionary in Africa is captured by the natives, bound, and plopped into a big iron pot of water. He thinks he's done for until he sees the chief kneeling in front of the pot with his head bowed. "Pardon me, brother," he asks, "are you by chance a Christian?" The chief looks up and snaps, "I certainly am! And please don't interrupt me while I'm saying grace!"

cochrane
06-03-2008, 01:52 PM
Q. What did the necktie say to the hat?
A. "You go on ahead and I'll just hang around here."

Q. What did one casket say to the other casket?
A. "Is that you, coffin?" (Is that you coughin'?)

Q. Why did Robinson Crusoe have a great weekend?
A. He got all of his work done by Friday.

Malacandra
06-03-2008, 03:53 PM
The variation my Dad inflicted on me ... repeatedly:

DAD: Adam and Eve and Pinchme went out to the sea to swim. Adam and Eve drowned. Who was left?

MUCH YOUNGER AND MORE GULLIBLE ME: Pinchme. Ow! Why did you do that?
My kid tries that on me, and I say "...sorry, Adam and Eve and who?" and he obligingly says...


And then there's "If frozen water is iced water, what is frozen ink?"

"Why doesn't the Queen (President/Pope/prominent figure of your choice) wave with this hand?" *waves left hand*
"I don't know."
"Because it's mine."

"What's green and invisible?"
"I don't know"
*hold out upturned hand* "This cabbage"