Summarize the worst romance novel you've read (spoilers, mockery)

[Beadalin]

"The Heir," by Catherine Coulter, is the worst romance novel I've ever read. And read the whole thing out of sheer lack of anything else new to read.

Fellow Dopers, admit to reading romance sometimes, and weigh in with the gory details of the worst you've read.

The heroine:Arabella, daughter of the Earl of Strafford. She has a half-sister by the earl's first wife.

The hero:Justin, Earl's heir.

How they meet:Arabella's father has died, and the book opens on the day his will is to be read. She's mourning her dad, and runs across Justin lounging by a pond. She mistakes him for a bastard of her father. Meaning, she spends a significant amount of the opening thinking he's her half-brother. Now that's hot.

Her father's will then announces that this is his great nephew, making him her second cousin, and plus also Arabella must marry Justin within the week or become homeless when he assumes the title. Justin must marry her or not inheret the main estate. They agree to marry after tedious and often physically violent arguments.

The big sex scene: Just before the wedding, Justin sees Arabella coming out of the barn, then a French compte coming out of the barn a little while later. Naturally, he assumes they had sex. He seethes. They get married. On the wedding night, he calls Arabella a bitch, a slut, a whore, tears off her nightgown and rapes her. This rape scene is described in a whole shitload more loving detail than any of the subsequent fucking, which is mainly between Arabella's mom and the physician.

How it all goes horribly, horribly wrong: This is an actual, for-real quote:
He realized at that moment that he couldn't force her--no, he couldn't rape her and that's what it would be--rape. He strode over to his dressing table, dipped his fingers into a pot of cream and returned to her.You can see where this is going. She asks him why he's being mean. He won't tell her. He discovers she's a virgin in the classic way, and then says that only means she had anal sex or gave the compte a blowjob. Seriously.

Icky other (miscellaneous notes of interest):In a flashback, Arabella's mom falls in love with the physician while she's giving birth to Arabella. This is also the moment he fell in love with her.

Also, the half-sister (Elspeth) falls in love and has an affair with -- losing her virginity to -- the compte mentioned earlier. She thinks they're first cousins. He is later to be revealed to be her half-brother. She never learns this, though; all the other principle characters do. The compte dumps her brutally and leaves.

In conclusion:Arabella forgives and falls in love with her rapist husband for no discernible reason than the author's hurry to get it over with. The mom and physician get married. Elspeth randomly hooks up with some other guy. The end.

Ugh.

[MagicEyes]

Well, there's no way I'm going to top that! The worst romance novel I've ever read was a Christian romance novel. A friend gave it to me, so I felt like I had to at least look at it. Then I had to finish reading it, just to see if it was bad enough to be entertaining. It wasn't...it was just bad.

It was bad for so many reasons...really stupid plot (former prosecutor in the witness protection program, crazy criminal trying to burn her up), boring characters, and then there was the whole Christian thing. See, they're Christians, so they have to wait until they're married, so there are no naughty bits. There's just no point without the naughty bits.

[Manduck]

but she really did have butseks with that compte, right??

[Marlitharn]

Many years ago, my parents possessed an entire series of books set on the Oregon Trail. They were all titled Missouri! and Wyoming! and Kansas! and various other states with exclamation points. I was about 12 or 13, I think, and I read every cheesy one of those damn books.

Among other things, I remember one of the female characters being so obnoxious that one of the male characters eventually spanks her, after which she of course falls in love with him.

Another female character is kidnapped by Indians and forced into prostitution, until the other members of the wagon train ransom her with a white buffalo skin. The same character later falls ill and ends up with a limp, the leader of the wagon train feels sorry for her and marries her but won't have sex with her until she effectively tells him, "I'm your woman now, I want you to do whatever you want with me!"

I don't remember any overt sex in any of these books, but they weren't very flattering to women.

Oooh, the best worst one I ever read, though, (and I can't remember the title), was about a City Girl who is traveling to the hinterlands to meet up with her City Boy fiance, who had come out earlier to meet up with his Country Brother and go over some business matters. Country Brother ended up driving to town (a journey of a week or so) to pick up City Girl because City Boy got sick or something.

So they're on their way back, and City Girl is horrified at this rough, uncouth, uncivilized escort of hers. About a day into the journey she develops a boil on her ass. (Romantic, no?) She and Country Boy end up staying in an abandoned cabin for a few days while he keeps a hot compress on her ass trying to get this boil to come to a head so he can lance it. There's a long description of him lovingly contrasting the inflamed boil with the soft ass skin surrounding it.

So they fall in love and after the oozing stops they have lots of sex involving phrases like "throbbing manhood" and "velvet butterfly", and then they head home wracked with guilt because she's his brother's fiance.

Meanwhile, in the sequel (I swear to gods) City Boy has having lots of manhood-and-butterfly sex with Country Brother's girl back at the ranch. They hook up after he gets his butt kicked by a bunch of lumberjacks, which he totally deserved, because you can't strike a Marquis de Queensbury pose and announce "I'm familiar with the art of fisticuffs!" in front of a bunch of lumberjacks and not expect to get your butt kicked. But Country Brother's girl nurses him back to health (in a velvet butterfly sort of way), and after two books everybody's happy.

There for a while my Mom was a member of one of those Romance Novel of the Month clubs that sent a free wine glass with every order. I think I read all of them, but fortunately I don't remember much.

[Green Bean]

I don't know if it was strictly a romance novel, and I don't remember what it was called or anything....

But it was about a bunch of ultra-orthodox Jews.

Seriously.

The scene I remember best was when she was set to meet the guy her parents were proposing for an arranged marriage. She came down the stairs and saw him--it was love at first sight. She was saying things like "His beard was so full" and "his payess were so long and curly!!"

Let's just say I couldn't really relate.

[devilsknew]

I hear there is a whole genre of Amish Romance novels, too.

[The Them]

I honestly have never read a straight-out romance novel. But The Valley of Horses comes close.
Setting: Paleolithic Russia.
Characters: Ayla (chick), Jondolar (dude).
Rationale: Ayla-kicked out of tribe. Jondolar-walkabout type adulthood thing.
Angst: Ayla-hot 17 year-old blonde, thinks she's ugly 'cause former tribe was Neanderthals who had different ideas about beauty, misses kid she had. Jondolar-hot 21 year-old blond, is depressed because his brother died and he'll never find true love because his penis is too large to have full-penetration intercourse. You read that last part right.
Plot: These two meet under tragic circumstances, dance around misunderstanding each others' insecurities for a good long while.
Result: SCORE! Their neuroses complement each other, they have hot sex (but nothing kinky) without fear since they don't know where babies come from. Ayla can "take" Jondolar due to her earlier pregnancy, general studliness. Jondolar can relax around Ayla, 'cause she doesn't know to swoon over his good looks, general studliness.
End: The two ride off into the sunset to explore the world, each others' pants.

[Sublight]

You forgot the part where Ayla invents the blowjob.

[Scarlett67]

I don't read romance novels for pleasure, but the first dozen or so fiction works I ever copyedited were time travel romances. I suppose you romance fans are familiar with the genre: Modern cheeky heroine wishes for a simpler time, hits her head on a rock or accidentally rubs the magic lamp or whatever, ends up in the 1800s and meets a hunk from the past. Blah blah blah and she either magically brings him to the present or gives up her modern life to stay with him.

When the client described the first one to me, I thought she was kidding.

[Sigmagirl]

I hear there is a whole genre of Amish Romance novels, too.
Believe me, there are.

As a book reviewer, I read all kinds of books that I would not ordinarily read in genres ranging from science fiction to poetry to sports. I get one or two Amish romances every year. Now and then, they aren't too bad (Dark Angel by Karen Harper being one of the better).

A few weeks ago I got a gay romance to read. I don't have it with me, but I can get it back tonight, and I will, because there are some real lulus of sentences in there. And I don't mean the sex parts, because those are about the only halfway readable parts in the book.

Even the press release was painful.

I'll be back later . . .

[Zsofia]

I don't read a lot of romance novels - I used to pick up a few every year for finals, though. The one that sticks in my mind was called, IIRC, Truly, Madly, Viking. There was a talking, time-travelling whale that bore this Viking dude into the modern world and to a woman who needed some lovin'. Along the way he helps out a bunch of traumatized Vietnam vets, I think. Then at the end he goes to a living history museum and meets his brother, who evidently in the first book (I know, there's more than one!) also time travelled, presumably with the whale. So it all ended happily ever after with a family reunion.

[Skara_Brae]

Yeah, Catherine Coulter...she needs a rape in just about every one of her historical novels. Cause most women fall in love with their rapist, doncha know...

Another great one is A Pirate's Love (http://www.amazon.com/Pirates-Love-Johanna-Lindsey/dp/0380400480/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1213104330&sr=8-1) by Johanna Lindsey.

The Plot:
Bettina is on her way to an arranged marriage and her ship is captured by pirates. The lead pirate, Tristan, rapes her. He is kind enough to make her drink some wine beforehand. Bettina's reaction to the rape is something like, "It hurt at first, but then it started to feel good." :rolleyes: Why I didn't throw the book across the room at that point, I don't know.

So anyway, he rapes her repeatedly over the course of several weeks, and doesn't get why she still tries to resist him. The she escapes from him and finds her fiance. Of course, the fiance doesn't want her now that she is damaged goods, but secretly plans to make her his mistress.

But Tristan comes back and captures her again! He has fallen in love with her, cause she is so sassy after being raped repeatedly. She is pregnant, and he doesn't know wether the baby is his or the fiance's. But he eavesdrops on a conversation she has with her mother (who advises her to go along with her former rapist, cause he'll do whats best for her) and finds out that she never slept with the fiance.

Then, he says this when defending his actions...
I may have raped her,(Bettina) but I did not kill her husband in order to have her, nor did I share her with my crew or kill her afterward. I kept her, and she will bear my child and become my wife.

Doesn't that just make you melt? :rolleyes: She, of course, professes her love for him while in labor, and the novel ends with the birth of their son. Great. Love by Stockholm Syndrome...

[Beadalin]

There's a long description of him lovingly contrasting the inflamed boil with the soft ass skin surrounding it.This is my favorite.

[Dung Beetle]

Great thread.

When I was a kid, I realized that if I could just learn to enjoy Harlequin romance novels, I'd be set for life, since Grandma owned a shit ton of 'em. Unfortunately, I never could get past the general ridiculousness. I appreciate y'all summarizing the funny stuff for me.

[Evil Captor]

I read one -- I forget the title -- where an Earth girl gets kidnapped and goes to a planet full of rough and hardy men who don't know how to take "no" for an answer. At first she's horrified and repulsed by them, but eventually she falls for one of them, and is reconciled to all the rough and hardy sex and secretly learns to love it. He, still unable to admit it publicly because he's so rough and hardy, secretly loves her. They live happily, albeit rough and hardily and secretively, ever after.

[CaerieD]

Another great one is A Pirate's Love (http://www.amazon.com/Pirates-Love-Johanna-Lindsey/dp/0380400480/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1213104330&sr=8-1) by Johanna Lindsey.

Ooh, yes. That was possibly the first romance novel I ever read. Either that one or another by the same author, The Captive Bride (http://www.amazon.com/Captive-Bride-Johanna-Lindsey/dp/0380016974/ref=sr_1_29?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1213112921&sr=1-29).

Beautiful and willful (naturally) Christina runs off to the Arabian desert for adventure after turning down this guy, Phillip, who had wanted to marry her a few minutes after he laid eyes on her and declared he was never getting married. Ah, but then it turns out that Phillip is secretly Sheik Abu!!! I can't remember much about the plot beyond the fact that he kidnaps her and rapes her. At one point I think she's kidnapped by somebody else and they leave the poor, poor English blonde out in the sun so she gets a nasty sunburn, and then Sheik Abu has to take care of her. I'm sure there were all sorts of hilarious absurdities in it, but I can't recall any now, aside from the fact that his frickin' name is Abu. The author essentially name her hero "Sheik Father of."

Somewhere, I have a really funny book report I wrote on A Pirates Love, too.

[Lemur866]

Was that by Anne McCaffery, Evil?

[Motorgirl]

Ooh, yes. That was possibly the first romance novel I ever read. Either that one or another by the same author, The Captive Bride (http://www.amazon.com/Captive-Bride-Johanna-Lindsey/dp/0380016974/ref=sr_1_29?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1213112921&sr=1-29).
[snip]
At one point I think she's kidnapped by somebody else and they leave the poor, poor English blonde out in the sun so she gets a nasty sunburn, and then Sheik Abu has to take care of her.

::groan::
I can't believe I'm about to admit this but... I know that book really well. I must have read it 20 times when I was 13 or so. It's the other way around - Philip is left in the sun to die but then rescued and she has to nurse him back to health and then she realizes she loves him and then escapes and goes back to England. There is a patently absurd coincidence where she, as an unmarried pregnant harlot, goes to a FOAF's estate to give birth in private and IT TURNS OUT TO BE PHILIP's estate. :rolleyes:

[CaerieD]

Motorgirl, can you recall how, exactly, some wealthy English guy turns out to be a sheik? Because I have no recollection of that part.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

Are rape fantasies a frequent feature of these romance novels? I don't understand that. And these are women writing these things? I'm befuddled. Why would that be seen as a romantic or erotic quality in a man?

[vison]

I've read a lot of dreck over the years and some particularly hilarious dreck sticks in the mind, like dog poop on your shoe.

In a "romance" novel set in modern times involving a mercenary soldier and a damsel in some kind of distress (I think - I may have blotted much of the actual story out of my mind) the damsel slides her delicate pink hand into the hero's trews and finds - wait for it! - a "granite monument". :eek: I didn't finish it, I gave up not long after that astonishing discovery, but the description of his erection has stayed with me. Even now I'm laughing!

In another story set in 1700's Scotland, the heroine decides to go bathing in a burn. In February. In the highlands. The hero, astride his noble steed, spots her from afar. Pretty afar, as I recall. So it takes him a long time to get there. And she is washing her girly bits, etc., a lot of rosy-tipped mounds and swelling buttocks. Eventually he gets there and sweeps her wet and naked self out of the water onto the back of his horse and rides off with her and rapes her a bunch of times, etc., the usual.

I suspect the author, who displayed a dismal lack of historical knowledge, also displayed a dismal lack of understanding of the Scots dialect. I suspect she thought a "burn" was something warm, not the Scots name for a creek and that the water is frigid in those things even in July and our heroine would have died of hypothermia long, long, long before the raping hero on his noble steed was within poking distance. Another book flung across the room, I'm afraid. But I know what happened, we all do. :rolleyes:

Also, any book by Diana Gabaldon. Jeez. :mad:

[BrainGlutton]

Are rape fantasies a frequent feature of these romance novels? I don't understand that. And these are women writing these things? I'm befuddled. Why would that be seen as a romantic or erotic quality in a man?

That's what they all really want, dude, they just don't know it, and don't never let a bitch tell you different . . .

Seriously, I doubt one rape victim in a thousand gets any joy or pleasure out of it IRL . . . but I could see how it could still be an enjoyable erotic fantasy, an expression of the man's overwhelming strength and passion and studliness, etc. Of course, that's just a guy's guess, based on the fact that so many romance-novel heroes are, if not rapists, then definitely strong and studly. (Brains appreciated too but only for practical or money-making purposes; no intellectuals need apply.) Your opinions, ladies?

[amarinth]

I can't top Beadalin's.
I did read too many of Johanna Lindsey's "isn't rape romantic?" books years and years ago. (Diogenes, rape stories were a trend in certain types of romance novels for a while. That is less likely to be true in the last 10 years or so. But "romance novel" is a fairly broad genre with a ton of sub genres.) More recently I've run across some of the "isn't dysfunctional, controlling behavior romantic?" books (Nora Roberts writing as J.D. Robb, Stephanie Plum's "romance" novels), but being older, I did throw those across the room.

One of the weirdest, though, was one where nothing happened. It was set somewhere on the gulf coast - boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back again...by page 25 of a 300-something page book. Then they spent a page worrying if their parents would approve. And they did! on page 30! Then there was a hurricane (which took a good 10 pages) but no one got injured, so the couple could go ahead with their wedding plans. Then, I think she got pregnant, but everyone was happy! So no big deal. The author had heard that the couple should run into obstacles on the way to true love, so she put them in and resolved them immediately.

[pepperlandgirl]

::groan::
I can't believe I'm about to admit this but... I know that book really well. I must have read it 20 times when I was 13 or so. It's the other way around - Philip is left in the sun to die but then rescued and she has to nurse him back to health and then she realizes she loves him and then escapes and goes back to England. There is a patently absurd coincidence where she, as an unmarried pregnant harlot, goes to a FOAF's estate to give birth in private and IT TURNS OUT TO BE PHILIP's estate. :rolleyes:

I might be getting my "sheik" romances confused--was this the one where he has a harem of 3 ladies, and he does pleasure them, but he finds them boring and only the heroine can quench his manly thirst? Or is this the one where there's another sheik or something in the area who only likes teenage boys? Or am I talking about 3 different books altogether?

Are rape fantasies a frequent feature of these romance novels? I don't understand that. And these are women writing these things? I'm befuddled. Why would that be seen as a romantic or erotic quality in a man?

People refer to the rapes as "forced seductions" (I wish I was making that up) and most publishers explicitly say they don't want them. They've actually fallen out of favor in the past decade (most of the books mentioned here are not recent releases). There are a lot of theories about why forced seductions were so popular in the early years of romance--I think the most popular one is that if a woman can't say no she can't be held accountable, and therefore, it's okay to have sex. I'm just happy that the rape scenes really are becoming a distant memory, rather than a romance mainstay (though I'm not saying you'll not find any current forced seductions, just that they are increasingly rare).

My contribution is a book called Decadent (http://www.amazon.com/Decadent-Shayla-Black/dp/0425217213/ref=pd_bbs_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1213118809&sr=8-2) by Shayla Black. The characters are a grab-bag of neurosis. The Hero has a fetish for threesomes. He cannot get a boner unless there is another man in the room (but he IS NOT GAY!). He also refuses to devirginize women. His fetish is widely known and talked about, and when Heroine begins seeing him, people warn her about his crazy fetish. She's a virgin, but is certain she can't protect her virginity by having anal sex with two men. Oh, and she's also training herself so she can sleep with a pop-star who has a thing for 3somes (he is also NOT GAY! Man, just because a guy can't get a boner without another cock in the room doesn't make him gay. Why does everybody always think that?! :rolleyes: )

Classic Dialogue:
"What are you doing?" Luc barked.
"Fucking her ass. Saving her life."

Yes, Hero is certain if he pops her cherry, he will kill her. Because when he fucked his high school girlfriend, she got pregnant and killed herself. Incidentally, that's why he needs another man (his friend Luc) in the room. So if the woman gets preggars (not that she will since they only have anal sex) he has plausible deniability. Because where he comes from, there is no paternity test. Or birth control.

He eventually pops her cherry, they get rid of the friend, and instead of going into therapy, they live happily ever after.

[jsc1953]

Beautiful and willful (naturally) Christina runs off to the Arabian desert for adventure after turning down this guy, Phillip, who had wanted to marry her a few minutes after he laid eyes on her and declared he was never getting married. Ah, but then it turns out that Phillip is secretly Sheik Abu!!! I can't remember much about the plot beyond the fact that he kidnaps her and rapes her.

Jeez...didn't Edith Maude Hull first come up with this plot in 1919? (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Sheik_%28novel%29)

[Eureka]

Sweet Ember( I think) by Barbara Delinsky.

Which I first read a decade ago, and recently re-read, because I was on a Delinsky kick and I wasn't sure at first whether the book I was reading was the same book I'd read before or just one with a similar plot.

Sweet, young, virginal Stephenie falls in love with Douglas Weston, an older man, while both work at a summer camp. At the end of the summer, they have one night of passion, and the next day Stephenie finds "Mrs. Weston" packing his clothes. She flees.

Eight years later, they both return to the camp, along with their eight year old daughter. He's pissed and betrayed because she departed without a word to him. She's annoyed because this man she didn't want in her life after he betrayed her is now teaching tennis to their daughter, and she doesn't want him to hurt the girl the way he hurt her.

Eventually they actually talk to each other and figure out that they've been separated for eight years because she mistook his beautiful blond SISTER for his WIFE.

Bugged me big time. He's kind of a jerk, and she's kind of stupid, but mostly it pissed me off that they spent eight years separated, hurt and betrayed over such a teeny misunderstanding. And then, in the space of a heartbeat, or maybe two, they decide to kiss and make up, and all's well that end's well.

[BrainGlutton]

Jeez...didn't Edith Maude Hull first come up with this plot in 1919? (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Sheik_%28novel%29)

The plot has been compared to the Taming of the Shrew by William Shakespeare.

Eh? Petruchio doesn't rape Kate (though as her husband he has the right, by standards of the time); he tames her through psychological torture. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taming_of_the_Shrew) (In the 1967 version with Elizabeth Taylor, BTW, even a feminist should want to see Kate broken; she's not just an uppity woman who won't obey any man, she's a total psycho who assaults everyone she sees. Don't know how true that adaptation is to the original.)

[jsc1953]

Eh?

Just for the record, I noticed the plot similarities between The Captive Bride and The Sheik (woman kidnapped & raped by a sheik who's really not an Arab at all). Comparing either of them to Taming of the Shrew seems a bit of a stretch, made by some guy on Wikipedia.

[Mahna Mahna]

In other puzzling romance subgenres, I just found out yesterday that there's a whole line of Nascar-themed (http://store.nascar.com/sm-harlequin-book-bundle--pi-2781501.html) Harlequin novels.

:confused:

[Duck Duck Goose]

I think it's important to distinguish, for purposes of discussion, the distinction between yer "bodice ripper", which generally has "forced seduction", and yer classic "romance novel", which rarely does. Harlequin Romances don't have rapes/forced seductions, they barely even have explicit sex.

Jane Austen is widely considered by English Lit geeks to have single-handedly perfected the "romance novel", so you have to be cautious about using the term in the same breath as books that feature sentences like, "His throbbing organ sprang free..."

I used to use bodice-rippers as what the National Lampoon once termed "emergency porn" (this was before the Internet, children). You could get them for fifty cents at the used bookstore, and I discovered that the juiciest ones were the ones that, if you hold them open on the spine, flop open at certain pages. You could also go by the ones that looked as though they had been dropped in the bathtub.

[pepperlandgirl]

Harlequin romances have plenty of explicit sex these days. Check out the Blaze, Spice, and Nocturne lines. Erotic romance is becoming more popular at the big publishers, and most of them have erotica lines (though I agree, even those are not "bodice rippers.")

[Duck Duck Goose]

Gar. :eek: And here I was thinking there were still some standards out there...

[creeps back to rocking chair]

ETA: [and makes note to go down to Old Book Barn at earliest opp] [heh]

[Motorgirl]

I might be getting my "sheik" romances confused--was this the one where he has a harem of 3 ladies, and he does pleasure them, but he finds them boring and only the heroine can quench his manly thirst? Or is this the one where there's another sheik or something in the area who only likes teenage boys? Or am I talking about 3 different books altogether?


Neither of those sound right for Captive Bride, so I suspect you're thinking of three different books. I'll take a closer look when I get home. I think I have this book somewhere in the house.

[Motorgirl]

Motorgirl, can you recall how, exactly, some wealthy English guy turns out to be a sheik? Because I have no recollection of that part.

His father was a sheik and his mother English Nobility. Or vice versa. As I promised pepperlandgirl I'll try to look for it tonight when I get home. The sacrifices I make for you people!

[pepperlandgirl]

Neither of those sound right for Captive Bride, so I suspect you're thinking of three different books. I'll take a closer look when I get home. I think I have this book somewhere in the house.

You know what horrifies me? The very real possibility that there exists two books where the good English girl goes back to England to end up on an estate that belongs to the sheik she just left. In the one I'm thinking of, she's unhappy because she's used to wearing loose desert clothes and now she's stuck wearing the constricting dresses in England.

[jsc1953]

Those who enjoy snarky commentary on trashy romantic fiction would probably also enjoy the essays by S.J. Perelman, with the general heading "Cloudland Revisited" -- where he recaps and comments on the junk he read and enjoyed in his youth. He wrote 2 relevant to this thread: on The Sheik (referenced above), and on Elinor Glyn's Three Weeks. Absolutely hysterical reading.

[Gala Matrix Fire]

This site (http://www.sheikhs-and-desert-love.com/) will help you tell one sheik novel from another. It's all about the sheikh-romance genre and even has a hilarious map of Romance Novel Arabia.

[fluiddruid]

This wasn't, strictly speaking, a romance novel, but one of the worst and seediest books I ever (partially) read was a book set in the modern day where a satyr rapes women to death.

Also, I bought this book at a nursing home garage sale.

Skeevy.

[Beadalin]

Also, I bought this book at a nursing home garage sale.Ha! I bought the one in the OP at a rummage sale for a hospice. 25 cents and not worth every penny.

And wow, Gala Matrix Fire, I had no idea that there was such a robust sub-genre around sheiks and their women. That site is hilarious.
Classic Dialogue:
"What are you doing?" Luc barked.
"Fucking her ass. Saving her life."
Win, pepperlandgirl.

[A.Ren]

Sweet Memories by Lavyrle Spencer.

The heroine spends her whole life troubled by her huge, gargantuan breasts. She's had to give up everything she loves because of her "deformity", and it takes this fabulous man to see past her "problem", and so on and so forth...

So, when Ms. Spencer reveals exactly how big this poor girls breasts are...they're a whopping 34DD.

Yep. 34DD.

[jsc1953]

Sweet Memories by Lavyrle Spencer.

The heroine spends her whole life troubled by her huge, gargantuan breasts.


I wonder how many times the publisher made "Sweet Mammary" jokes.

[StarvingButStrong]

I can't remember the title/author, but the heroine was the daughter of some intellectual, who had educated her far beyond the norm of women. (Set in England in the 18-somethings.) Father dead, she lives alone in his city house and supports herself teaching proper speaking to would be social climbers.

He is a ratter. Yup, a ratter. With the help of some ferrets he goes around to houses and kills the vermin.

The story starts with him admiring her legs (skirts pulled high because a rat is loose in the clothing store) and then he gets in trouble because someone assumes he's been molesting the shop girl he was canoodling with. He runs off, chased by many, ends up in the tea shop where Leggy Girl is having a tea. More chaos and such. Two sporting gentlemen end up making a bet that Leggy Girl can't get Ratter Man to pass as a Real Gent as some upcoming social event.

Anyway, she succeeds with a lot of dancing in the attic and at a low class dive along the way oh, yeah, and she gets deflowered by him while standing in the alley behind the dive...so romantic!

Eventually they marry, of course, but it's all right -- turns out he's the long lost son of some rich man, stolen away by his Irish nursemaid....

[BrainGlutton]

He is a ratter. Yup, a ratter. With the help of some ferrets he goes around to houses and kills the vermin.

Tsk. Somebody needs to explain to the author, " You misread the plot-outline manual. A romance hero has to be a bold, devil-may-care 'bad boy.' You know, a rotter. A rotter!"

[Sigmagirl]

OK, here we go.

Plot: Our narrator, B., a 19-year-old college student, has recently, and reluctantly, concluded that he is gay. He has begun surfing the net for gay porn and "with a sigh of frustration, I resigned myself to the lifestyle and orientation that was, despite my hopes to the contrary, my own . . . I finally allowed the radiant rainbow to penetrate my being."

He ditches class -- excuse me, "I decided to abandon my pedantic pledge" -- one day and go shopping. At the mall, he meets N., a young man who works in a "perfume and skincare solution center." They flirt a little until another customer comes in.

The narrator is compelled to go back to see N. He almost chickens out, but is emboldened by an inspirational greeting card he sees in a "stationary shop." "Plucking the raven rectangle away from its hundreds of similar siblings, I studied the front cover." N. asks to see him later that evening, and B. picks him up after work. In the car, he realizes "He was no longer simply a sprightly skincare advisor but instead, my celestial soul mate."

I'm going to type that one again:
"He was no longer simply a sprightly skincare advisor but instead, my celestial soul mate."

They get to N's. place, and he opens the door: "Inserting it into the lock, he twisted the key, thus manipulating its internal mechanism. The door slid open on reflex, inviting us inside."

They sit around for a while and look at N's. drawings, and N. tells B. he's attracted to him. B. answers, "N., do you have any idea just how hard I've fallen for you? Jesus, I mean my desire is downright dangerous. When I'm around you, I can't think straight or solidify thought. Why do you think I'm so frequently taciturn when with you? It's not because I'm bashful," I explained, shaking my head in disbelief. "It's because I'm so damn scared of making a mistake and lessening the likelihood of our being together. N., I barely know you but I know this," . . .

He traced the outline of a heart on my palm, its once scaly surface pasty with perspiration.

"You have all of me. Every fiber, every cell, every staple of my sordid self. I'm sorry if this is all too much, too early, but I can't keep it bottled any longer. I don't know where this is coming from or why and I'm not exactly sure if I'm prepared to face the repercussions of my rapture but this is it; this is me . . . and you," I blurted accusingly, "you consume me."

They make out for a while and then N. starts to rant about his apartment. The air conditioning, the windows.
". . . It goes without saying that I'm uncomfortable with the insecurity that an open window offers. Who knows what might attempt an invasion, be it a curious critter or a malevolent murderer." B. decides to leave, crestfallen that he doesn't even have N.'s phone number.

Next chapter: "Although I would have much preferred to begin my day with a healthy serving of N.'s lips, I settled for dry cereal and a rotten banana."

He's late for school and can't find his car keys:

"Turning round, my eyes eventually located the tangle of misplaced metallic instruments situated atop yet another piece of my mom's Post-it poetry. Sliding the tortuous tracts of metal aside, I scanned her curt correspondence."

N. has promised to call the next day, but does not. So B. calls him at work and asks to come over. N. agrees. While he's climbing the stairs, a couple of them collapse: "Less than twenty-four hours prior, I'd clamored down the corridor, every stair intact. Since then, two members of the timbered community had commited suicide, their splintered remains resting in the grassy knoll below."

B. eventually makes it up the rest of the stairs, where N. is noncommital about seeing him, but presents him with a birthday cake, though it's not B.'s birthday. N. then explains it's their one-week anniversary, though B. "reviewed our romantic timeline" and figures out they'd known each other three days.

Before they can cut the cake, N. comes on strong, ripping off his shirt. "A conflagration of carnal passion consumed every fiber of my now-smoldering being. I was his for the taking, my bumper harvest ready to be reaped."

"In employing a dexterous hand, my erotic illusionist expelled from sight our ancillary trappings; restrictive pants were cast aside whilst tightly-hugging boxer-briefs endured. Bodies synchronized, mine below his, our caged vipers hissed for release. Though separated by way of a cotton-spandex blockade, the two ever-stiffening shafts could perceive of one another's presence and in anticipation, grew further engorged."

Then there's a whole lot more of that.

B wakes up and finds N. has gone and left a note asking him to come back that evening. When he returns, he finds 'what appeared to be an ill-disguised transvestite of beastly proportions. Circles of rouge dotted her drooping cheeks; streaks of sapphire highlighted her tired eyes; two watermelon-sized cups of brazier [sic] accentuated her mammoth chest; what seemed a dry and dirty horsehair wig covered her bulbous skull."

This apparition turns out to be N's. former girlfriend and mother of his child. "We were eighteen," he explains. S. sends B. out for cigarettes; curiously, he agrees. When she comes back, they all decide to repair to the nearby gay bar. On the way, S. regales B. with tales of her heroin use.

When they come back, they sleep for a while and B. awakes to find N. raping him: "He was forcing an agonizing infiltration through a fissure half as wide as his intruder. He was slowly progressing toward penetration." Then B. leaves. The next day, N. calls but hangs up before B. answers.

FIN.

No, that's it, really. Oh, wait, the press release! "It goes further in revealing the potentially devastating consequenses of such a polarized pairing, what can happen when intentions are ill, motivations malignant."

If you want any more quotes from this gem, hurry up. The trash goes out tonight.

[Beadalin]

Damn those restrictive pants! Always slightly delaying a good time.

[Harriet the Spry]

Yeesh, Sigmagirl! Are you sure you didn't mean to post that in the decomposing mongoose thread?

[Jodi]

Author and title for my contribution left out not to protect the guilty but because I honestly cannot remember them. But the book is about the daughter of one lord and a second lord, the hero, who is the heroine's father's mortal enemy and also owns the manse next door. (Setting: Medieval England.) Heroine is wandering through the woods and is captured by Hero, who kidnaps her to his castle and then proceeds to hostilely pressure her to sex him. She refuses because he is being a gold-plated asshole and finally, to escape him, she leaps out the window. (Mmmm, sounds like Mr. Right, huh?) But don't worry! She doesn't die, she just has . . . wait for it . . . amnesia. Of course. He is distraught and repentant, so he keeps her because now she doesn't know who he is and therefore doesn't hate him. (Nevermind the ethics/morals of it, just run with it!) They fall in love and screw each other all over the castle and grounds. Then they are boffing each other under a tree and the tree gets hit by lightning, a branch falls and bonks the heroine on the head, and she recovers her memory.

I'm honestly not sure how the book ends, though I can only assume they overcome his dickishness and her repeated head injuries to live happily ever after. I don't know how it ends, though, because when I got to the scene under the tree, I threw the book across the room. Then I picked it up and threw it in the trash. Then I fished it out of the trash and drowned it in a sinkful of water to make sure no one else would ever read it. I've never had my intelligence so insulted by a book.

The upside was that it was the point at which I honestly thought, "I can write better than this," which helped give me the personal courage to start writing.

[AuntiePam]

They get to N's. place, and he opens the door: "Inserting it into the lock, he twisted the key, thus manipulating its internal mechanism. The door slid open on reflex, inviting us inside."


Snort.

"Solidify my thoughts"? And I thought Dean Koontz wrote bad dialogue.

[Manduck]

If you want any more quotes from this gem, hurry up. The trash goes out tonight.

Please don't keep it bottled any longer.

[Baker]

This wasn't, strictly speaking, a romance novel, but one of the worst and seediest books I ever (partially) read was a book set in the modern day where a satyr rapes women to death.

Also, I bought this book at a nursing home garage sale.

Skeevy.

That sounds awfully familiar, I'm ashamed to say. Was there more than on satyr? Wasn't there some sort of breeding program, and one gal sees a case file on it? The "satyrs" looked like men until some trigger event that transforms them. A secret ceremony in an abandoned church, at night, when the victims are ravished by the satyr.

I'm going to hate myself for remembering all of this crap.

[Scarlett67]

Plot: Our narrator, B., a 19-year-old college student, has recently, and reluctantly, concluded that he is gay.
This has GOT to be a chapter from Atlanta Nights. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atlanta_Nights)

[Little Plastic Ninja]

I've blotted most of this book out of my head, and I'm not sure it will really win any awards except for Most Inappropriate Gift Giver Ever. I recall the writing being really quite good, but it's been a while.

See, I was about eleven or twelve. (Already this is good.) I was a big big fan of historical fiction, especially for medieval England, because I was A) a big ol' girl and B) a big ol' geek.

So my grandmother bought me The Shield of Three Lions.

The cover looked like a lovely medieval tapestry. The inner flap promised a captivating story of a young girl who went to war with Richard the Lionhearted and gave a fascinating picture of medieval Europe.

This was, therefore, stealth smut.

See, the main character is a girl of about eleven (!) named Alix. She romps around northern England, daughter of some lord or other, until bandits come on market day and rape and pillage. She sees... oh, her sister or her best friend or her mother or someone raped to death in impressive detail. She goes and kisses her father goodbye as he dies and then shears off all her hair, dresses as a boy, and runs off to prevent herself from getting raped to death. So far, so reasonable. :dubious:

She meets up with a Scotsman. I can't recall if he was one of the rape-and-pillagers or not. She travels with him for safety -- he thinks she's just a pretty boy, after all, and apparently the Scotsman doesn't want to see the kid cornholed. After all, he likes girls.

He also may be nearly the only man in the book who does. Oh, except for the dude in the inn they stay at who cheerily recounts the delights of sleeping with a woman while she's menstruating.

At some point Alix kisses a goat's ass to appease some Satan worshipers, I think. Or it's threatened that she'll have to. Or she'll have to either kiss it or screw it, which would prove tricky.

Eventually she and her Scotsman end up in Richard's army. Richard immediately horns in on the pretty boy and makes Alix his page, eventually trying to get into the kid's pants and being awfully disappointed to discover she has a velvet butterfly instead of a throbbing manhood.

She bugs out eventually, making her way back to England, and I think she loses track of the randy Scotsman at some point. I know she runs into Robin Hood. I think he realizes she's female and tries to make it with her. Possibly a couple of years have passed and she's got some appropriate bumps, I really don't recall. She feels kind of bad for Maid Marian -- chick's saving herself and thinks Robin is too, when really Robin is doing the squat-thrust with every velvet butterfly (my God, I love that phrasing) in sight.

Eventually she gets back home. She owns it, after all, and figures she probably shouldn't have just run away from the rape gangs for so long. She finds the Scotsman again at some point, marries him, and the two have lots of really messed up babies.

I'm sure I didn't make it up. The book's still in print, after all. I kind of want to read it again to see if it is as messed up as I remember.

Oh, for all that is holy.

It has a sequel.

The enchanting Alix of Wanthwaite returns in a suspenseful and richly textured adventure in which nothing less than the future of England is at stake.

Alix is home at her beloved estate on the Scottish border when King Richard's soldiers march into her castle and demand to take her to the Continent with them. King Richard has been captured while on Crusade, and Alix is among the nobles whose lives will be collateral for the king's ransom. But when she's delivered to Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine, Richard's mother, she is dumbfounded to learn that the queen has other plans for her.
King Richard needs an heir, Eleanor tells Alix. Repulsed by his queen, a homely religious fanatic, he has told his mother that the only woman he wants is the one he met on Crusade, when she was disguised as a boy. Richard wants Alix to be his mistress and the mother of the next Plantagenet king. Now a beguiling and irrepressible young woman, Alix faces more tribulations -- and romance -- in this trip to Europe, where affairs of the state and affairs of the heart are intricately intertwined.

This is just after I got done reading The Lion in Winter, too.

[CalMeacham]

Pepper Mill can't remember the name of it, but she still remembers the geographic howlers in a romance she read in the 1970s. It had Cornwall located right next to Scotland.

[Zsofia]

Oh, dude! Little Plastic Ninja, I read that and the sequel at nerd camp and I've been looking for it again ever since! I'm not sure that you really focused enough in your summary on the major plot point that Alix thinks Richard has discovered her secret and lusts after her because she's a hot female, but he really wants her because he thinks she's a hot prepubescent boy.

[Little Plastic Ninja]

Oh, dude! Little Plastic Ninja, I read that and the sequel at nerd camp and I've been looking for it again ever since! I'm not sure that you really focused enough in your summary on the major plot point that Alix thinks Richard has discovered her secret and lusts after her because she's a hot female, but he really wants her because he thinks she's a hot prepubescent boy.

It's so romantic, innit?

I'm completely picking these up from the store next time I go. I need a good cackle.

[StarvingButStrong]

Tsk. Somebody needs to explain to the author, " You misread the plot-outline manual. A romance hero has to be a bold, devil-may-care 'bad boy.' You know, a rotter. A rotter!"


<giggle>


But, actually, the writer made a brilliant choice of careers for the hero. What could possibly get a girl's juices flowing hotter than watching her guy stomp rats to death?

[StarvingButStrong]

Oh, I just remembered truly dreadful one. It's an American girl, present day, over in some non-real 'Arab' country, and she gets kidnapped by some Arab sheik, who isn't of course a real arab.

After a bunch of "I hate you" "you're beautiful when you're angry" foreplay, she and he go through this really, really disgusting binding ceremony. Both get some elaborate design knife-carved into their palms, and the bloody palms bound together for a day, or maybe two or whatever. Of course I'm expecting one or both of them to develop a nasty infection and have to at least have their hand amputated, but no such luck.

After a bunch of 'political' warfare/assasination attempts between the pseudo-Arab's side and that of a real Arab sheik (though, who knows? From these books, it would seem that at least 90% of all Arab sheiks are really American or European adventures in disguise) she is convinced he has been killed and she gets rushed back to American on the dead-fake-sheik's private airplane.

I believe she is preggie by now. Anyway, she goes home to her large "close" "loving" family in Wisconsin or a state nearby. She's all despairy, is hadly eating, and takes to sitting on a box on the ice in the middle of a frozen lake for hours and hours every day. See, it would be wrong to kill herself, but if the ice should just happen to fail while she's sitting out there....

And, no surprise, all these close, loving relatives sit by while this is going on for months. Hey, you wouldn't expect the people who love her to interfere or anything, right? No insisting she get couselling, no pink sheeting. Just let the girl brood out on the frozen lake until the thaw comes.

Well, maybe they liked her as little as I did.

Anyway, 'the rumors of my death' etc, and the fake sheik turns up and they live happily ever after.


Ick.

Actually, I think this was an ebook, being given away for free... I wonder why? The title was the name of the binding ceremony, something like "The Kalamanch."

[Evil Captor]

Was that by Anne McCaffery, Evil?

I just can't remember. I've read the Johanna Lindsay novel and a Beatrice Small and some of the more modern romances, but the author/title escapes me. However, reading the posts here, there are apparently a lot of romances that fit my description. :D

[Green Bean]

Now you know what would be really brilliant? If someone could actually combine those two most unlikely of genres--the Amish romance and the Nascar romance.

Antidisestablishmenteria clutched her diary to her heaving bosom and gazed across the moonlit lake. She had to make a choice. Who was her true love, her soul mate? Was it Jeff, so handsome and dashing in his dangerous race car, or was it Jacob, so manly and stoic in his horse and buggy with the reflective orange triangle on the back?

[Evil Captor]

I don't know how it ends, though, because when I got to the scene under the tree, I threw the book across the room. Then I picked it up and threw it in the trash. Then I fished it out of the trash and drowned it in a sinkful of water to make sure no one else would ever read it. I've never had my intelligence so insulted by a book.

The upside was that it was the point at which I honestly thought, "I can write better than this," which helped give me the personal courage to start writing.

This is perhaps the most powerful real-life example of the old maxim, "Every cloud has a silver lining" I have ever read.

[Flutterby]

I just can't remember. I've read the Johanna Lindsay novel and a Beatrice Small and some of the more modern romances, but the author/title escapes me. However, reading the posts here, there are apparently a lot of romances that fit my description. :D

If it's the one I'm thinking of by Anne McCaffrey that would be Restoree.

The main character is a farm girl who went to the big city and is kidnapped by aliens when they come to earth. She just remembers being herded like cattle into the ship before she wakes up as a nurse to some guy in a psychiatric hospital of some kind. He's wearing the straight jacket and she basically pulls him along on a leash for walks and feeds him from the blue bowl. After she comes to herself, she overhears conversations to find out that this guy is some lord or kinda king or something like that who is being kept there and drugged, so she works up a plan to get him undrugged and they escape.

They then have to break into the palace, to talk to this guy's younger brother. Hijinks ensue, she ends up with the brother in the palace though the plan was for her to stay behind and she has to try and hide what she is. Eventually the guy who is doing all the drugging of the king and the secret experiments is removed from his post but he knows that she is a Restoree*, which she must hide from all the world though she is now the guy who is the ruler's wife and he goes off to find earth.

*The aliens who kidnapped her were other aliens and they eat us. The aliens she ended up with fight them and take the ships, so they found one of the slaughter ships and the guy doing experiments is putting people back together ala frankenstein only with much better stitching but up until this point he has not been able to wake anyone up from their stupor and is only able to use them like a kind of droid. She knows something is wrong cuz her huge nose is now petite and cute, and her scars are gone.

[Ranchoth]

But, actually, the writer made a brilliant choice of careers for the hero. What could possibly get a girl's juices flowing hotter than watching her guy stomp rats to death?

Damnit, I clubbed a rat with a snow shovel, once—even cremated it, afterwards! How come I'm still single? :mad:

[Snooooopy]

In other puzzling romance subgenres, I just found out yesterday that there's a whole line of Nascar-themed (http://store.nascar.com/sm-harlequin-book-bundle--pi-2781501.html) Harlequin novels.

:confused:

The crew chief discovered Bubba in the garage raping the car.

"It's a girl car!" Bubba said. "I'M NOT GAY!"

[The Them]

Evil Captor, it just occurred to me that that might be from the Gor series. Unpacked a whole lot of those at the bookstore. Read about 50 pages from one, and what you said sounds familiar.

Recap for those lucky enough never to have encountered this shite: Gor is like Earth, but 180° around the Sun, with spacefarers, untamed giant monsters, and a quasi-medieval society. In this one, hot chick is kidnapped, one of many, and assigned to Gorean harem service, where she learns to like her manly master. Or not, I didn't read that far. No way am I looking this up.

[Dung Beetle]

"Turning round, my eyes eventually located the tangle of misplaced metallic instruments situated atop yet another piece of my mom's Post-it poetry. Sliding the tortuous tracts of metal aside, I scanned her curt correspondence."


Hilarious! The "author" is trying so hard, and failing so spectacularly.

[Sigmagirl]

This has GOT to be a chapter from Atlanta Nights. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atlanta_Nights)
Noper. It's a whole book.

I really had some qualms about quoting from this. I knew immediately that I would not be covering the book in my column. I have little enough space to devote to good books that I can recommend to readers; the chances that my readers are going to pick up such a minor book by an unknown author in a more-or-less niche market -- though the market for gay erotica is growing -- are not significant enough that I should spend time and space warning them away from this.

But I didn't use the author's name or book title, and that's because he's just a kid. I'm 99% certain the book is autobiographical; the guy had a one-night stand, his first sexual experience, and somehow thinks he's a good writer. His friends probably tell him he's a good writer. So he thought he'd go for it. And either nobody gave him any serious criticism or, more likely, he's so convinced of his talent that he won't listen.

The author's bio says he's a student, but not of what. It can't be of writing, because a teacher would have beaten this out of him. He has a very impressive web site, so maybe that's what he's studying. Among the reviews he's posted is one with so much alliteration that it's clear to me he's written it himself.

Have you seen the thread called, "What are you paranoid about?" I'm now paranoid that this guy is a Doper and I've just ruined his life. B., if you're out there, don't try so hard. Don't write with a thesaurus in your pocket. Just talk like you talk. Take writing classes and listen.

Good luck, buddy.

[BrainGlutton]

If it's the one I'm thinking of by Anne McCaffrey that would be Restoree.

I was thinking "The Thorns of Barevi," first story (and the only one I've read) of the Catteni Series, (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catteni_Series) a rape-glorifying tale which McCaffrey cheerfully admitted she wrote in 1970 to cash in on the "soft porn" market. (And this was just as feminism was starting to emerge.)

[Dung Beetle]

But I didn't use the author's name or book title, and that's because he's just a kid.
I'm guessing about fourteen.

[Marley23]

This has GOT to be a chapter from Atlanta Nights. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atlanta_Nights)
If you haven't read Atlanta Nights, you really should. It's one of the funniest books I've ever read, and I haven't even read the romance novels it spoofs.

[Mahna Mahna]

The crew chief discovered Bubba in the garage raping the car.

"It's a girl car!" Bubba said. "I'M NOT GAY!"

I'm assuming he figured out it was a girl car because he had to peel off a car bra before he got jiggity.

:D

[Sigmagirl]

No, I think he's probably about 19-20. He's in college. His picture's on the book and on his web site. His high-school English teachers probably thought his precocious prose was positively precious!

OK, checking out Atlanta Nights now. Oh, yes, I know alllll about PublishAmerica. And others like them.

[Harriet the Spry]

Snerk. Does the EU need a new slogan?

"... Europe, where affairs of the state and affairs of the heart are intricately intertwined."

(from the Alix of Wainright review)

[Diogenes the Cynic]

Noper. It's a whole book.

I really had some qualms about quoting from this. I knew immediately that I would not be covering the book in my column. I have little enough space to devote to good books that I can recommend to readers; the chances that my readers are going to pick up such a minor book by an unknown author in a more-or-less niche market -- though the market for gay erotica is growing -- are not significant enough that I should spend time and space warning them away from this.

But I didn't use the author's name or book title, and that's because he's just a kid. I'm 99% certain the book is autobiographical; the guy had a one-night stand, his first sexual experience, and somehow thinks he's a good writer. His friends probably tell him he's a good writer. So he thought he'd go for it. And either nobody gave him any serious criticism or, more likely, he's so convinced of his talent that he won't listen.

The author's bio says he's a student, but not of what. It can't be of writing, because a teacher would have beaten this out of him. He has a very impressive web site, so maybe that's what he's studying. Among the reviews he's posted is one with so much alliteration that it's clear to me he's written it himself.

Have you seen the thread called, "What are you paranoid about?" I'm now paranoid that this guy is a Doper and I've just ruined his life. B., if you're out there, don't try so hard. Don't write with a thesaurus in your pocket. Just talk like you talk. Take writing classes and listen.

Good luck, buddy.
If he's willing to publish a novel, why should he be protected from criticism?

http://boywithblackeyes.com/press.htm

[Sigmagirl]

OK, now I see why I shouldn't have done this. I apologize. Why should he be protected? Because he needs constructive criticism, and this thread is not about constructive criticism. He needs time and experience, neither of which he has, because he's a kid. He may improve. The other people whose works have been ridiculed here are full-time writers whose books are found in drugstores and supermarkets. This is an enterprising, if unenlightened, young man who doesn't have a knack for writing.

I am sorry I brought the whole thing up. I don't have any kids, but if this kid was mine, I'd hate me.

[Jodi]

You didn't out him, Sigmagirl, someone else did in spite of your preference that it not be done.

[Sigmagirl]

I know, but that doesn't absolve me. Writers should have thick skins, but they have to develop them. I did an unkind thing.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

If he's a big enough boy to publish a novel, he's a big enough boy to have it criticized. He's not a child, he doesn't have some kind of special entitlement to nurturing and protection and he's not asking for anonymity, so the effort to shield him is patronizing and unwarranted.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

I know, but that doesn't absolve me. Writers should have thick skins, but they have to develop them. I did an unkind thing.
Please. You criticized a POS novel. You didn't do anything wrong and neither did I.

[Steve MB]

Don't write with a thesaurus in your pocket.
Maybe he's just happy to see you.

[CaerieD]

I know, but that doesn't absolve me. Writers should have thick skins, but they have to develop them. I did an unkind thing.

Speaking as someone who edits on the side, a lot of writers never develop that thick skin because they willfully choose to ignore criticism. It's a bizarre thing, but I've seen it happen several times now: Somebody makes it out of the slush pile, they get an actual response. They are told--quite nicely, usually--that some small change needs to be made before it's published.

And then we never hear from the author again.

Presumably, the more savvy ones will run off to self-publish, which is what this kid appears to have done. He is the only author to have a book published by PANIC Press on Amazon, which implies he made his own "publishing house." Don't feel bad, because you can't possibly injure this guy. He's chosen to insulate himself from the real publishing world and anyone who criticizes him is just a philistine as far as he's concerned.

[Larry Borgia]

If he's willing to publish a novel, why should he be protected from criticism?

http://boywithblackeyes.com/press.htmWhat's the point of this?

[Diogenes the Cynic]

What's the point of this?
What was the point of keeping his name a secret? He didn't ask anybody to protect him.

[Larry Borgia]

What was the point of keeping his name a secret? He didn't ask anybody to protect him.I asked first.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

I asked first.
I gave you the answer.

[Larry Borgia]

I gave you the answer.I don't understand it. Why link to his site? Why try to instigate a campaign of abuse and mockery at some kid who wrote a really shitty book? How is that helpful? What good does it do you or anyone else? What's the point of it?

[Diogenes the Cynic]

I don't understand it. Why link to his site? Why try to instigate a campaign of abuse and mockery at some kid who wrote a really shitty book? How is that helpful? What good does it do you or anyone else? What's the point of it?
I'm not trying to instigate anything, I just thought it was obnoxious to post a scathing review of his book and then withhold the information about the author in some kind of misguided and patronizing attempt to shield him. She's the one who mocked his book. If he ever reads this thread (which is highly unlikely), he's not going to be less hurt by her review because she didn't name him.

By the way, she provided all the information I needed to find him in her own posts. If I can do it, so can anyone else. Anyone who would be curious enough would not need my post to find him. I have no intention or desire to foster "abuse" or "mockery." I just think that if Sigmagirl is going to trash the kid's book, she should have the decency to name him.

[pepperlandgirl]

Other books named the title and author in the posts. Hell, I almost didn't link to Shayla Black's book because I didn't want people to get curious and actually buy the thing--god knows she doesn't need any further encouragement. Why shouldn't the guy's book and name be listed like everybody else's? It's hardly going to encourage a campaign of mockery and abuse against the guy--most of us are sane adults here. If anything, it might result in a few sales because people are usually curious and bad reviews tend to pique interest. Besides that, Diogenes is right. If you're going to publish a book, you have got to take the bad with the good. Writing a bad review (or a mocking review) isn't abusive.

[Motorgirl]

I'm back briefly to say - sorry, I forgot to look for Captive Bride last night. Maybe I'll do better tonight!

[Jodi]

I have no intention or desire to foster "abuse" or "mockery." I just think that if Sigmagirl is going to trash the kid's book, she should have the decency to name him.

And by God, if she chooses not to, then you'll do it for her. :rolleyes: Just so we're clear, I also sometimes criticize a product or action or behavior while trying to avoid naming the person whose credit or blame it is, because I too feel like it's my perogative to choose the parameters of my own unkindness. If you ever feel the need to draw those lines in for me, do me a favor and restrain yourself.

She intentionally tried to avoid making her criticism explicitly personal, and she was pretty clear about that being her wish. You overrode that, and for what? "Decency" is a pretty loaded word to use in what is really a fairly minor point, but since you brought it up -- any lack of decency here has not been on her part.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

And by God, if she chooses not to, then you'll do it for her. :rolleyes: Just so we're clear, I also sometimes criticize a product or action or behavior while trying to avoid naming the person whose credit or blame it is, because I too feel like it's my perogative to choose the parameters of my own unkindness. If you ever feel the need to draw those lines in for me, do me a favor and restrain yourself.

She intentionally tried to avoid making her criticism explicitly personal, and she was pretty clear about that being her wish. You overrode that, and for what? "Decency" is a pretty loaded word to use in what is really a fairly minor point, but since you brought it up -- any lack of decency here has not been on her part.
What did I do that was indecent? At most I drove a few hits to his website. This was not her student or private friend. This writer did not ask for anonymity and did not ask for anybody's protection. I think that if people are going to discuss his book, he should at least get his name credited. There's no such thing as bad publicity and it's not like he wouldn't know who Sigma was talking about in the extremely unlikely event that he would have ever read this thread anyway.

ETA: how would criticizing this writer be any more "personal" than criticizing any other writer? If the latest Steven King novel sucks, should all reviewer refrain from mentioning his name so as not to "make it personal," and keep from hurting his feelings?

[Jodi]

What did I do that was indecent?

What did SHE do that was indecent? YOU'RE the one who brought up the pretty loaded concept. How is she indecent to avoid naming the victim of her criticism, but you aren't when you override her objections and post it anyway?

This writer did not ask for anonymity and did not ask for anybody's protection.

SHE decided not to name him. That was HER decision. Just like if I post about how I saw the shittiest high school performance of Grease ever, especially the girl who played Sandy, who could not sing, I would not thank you to post behind me saying "She's talking about the Smallville High production, Smallville, USA and Sandy is played by Gertrude Smith, class of '10. Here's Trudy's Facebook page."

I think that if people are going to discuss his book, he should at least get his name credited. There's no such thing as bad publicity and it's not like he wouldn't know who Sigma was talking about in the extremely unlikely event that he would have ever read this thread anyway.

Well then, gosh, why don't you just substitute your judgment for hers, then? Because everyone has to agree with you that there's no such thing as bad publicity, and everyone must agree with you that having people name your book as one of the worst EVAR is a "credit" to you. And HE certainly would have recognized his own book, had he stumbled across this thread, but maybe it would have been some small comfort to him to know that no one else would.

ETA: how would criticizing this writer be any more "personal" than criticizing any other writer? If the latest Steven King novel sucks, should all reviewer refrain from mentioning his name so as not to "make it personal," and keep from hurting his feelings?

This guy isn't Steven King. SigmaGirl already said "Why should he be protected? Because he needs constructive criticism, and this thread is not about constructive criticism. He needs time and experience, neither of which he has, because he's a kid. He may improve. The other people whose works have been ridiculed here are full-time writers whose books are found in drugstores and supermarkets. This is an enterprising, if unenlightened, young man who doesn't have a knack for writing."

She would have preferred the subject of her post to be anonymous, or she would have named him herself. You decided to post his name, and she now regrets having said anything in the first place. That was your perogative of course, but it's pretty rich to see you act as if you've done some inherently better or positive thing, as if you are correcting her "indecency" or giving the guy "credit", because that's crap. All you did was make another poster regret participating in the conversation. Well done you.

[susan]

I am pleased to say that I have never read a book in this genre.

[Beadalin]

This thread was a lot of fun until this whole sidetrack cropped up. Sigmagirl, I'm sorry that you feel you did an unkind thing. You participated in the spirit of this thread, which was to poke some fun at ridiculous plotting and/or writing by authors who should know better.

Can we get back to doing that now? Pretty please?

[cher3]

Those who enjoy snarky commentary on trashy romantic fiction would probably also enjoy the essays by S.J. Perelman, with the general heading "Cloudland Revisited" -- where he recaps and comments on the junk he read and enjoyed in his youth. He wrote 2 relevant to this thread: on The Sheik (referenced above), and on Elinor Glyn's Three Weeks. Absolutely hysterical reading.

I love those. I always thought the "Cloudland" pieces were some of his his best.

There's a great line that goes something like "There was a boyo in the dunes that was destined to put a crimp in Diana's plans. To phrase it very delicately indeed."

[StarvingButStrong]

Guys -- could any further debate over revealing that guys identity go into a different thread? In the Pit, if necessary.

And then hopefully what was a really entertaining thread might revive.

[Larry Borgia]

Guys -- could any further debate over revealing that guys identity go into a different thread? In the Pit, if necessary.

And then hopefully what was a really entertaining thread might revive.Yeah, sorry. My bad. I still think what DtC was weird, but I won't comment on it any more in this thread.

[Eureka]

Ok, Back to bad romance novels.

Not Quite A Bride by Kristen Sawyer.

Which, technically, I think is Chick Lit, but it's just so mock-worthy it belongs in this thread. And in this case, I'm providing the name of the book and the author because it isn't unenjoyable to read, it's just so mock-worthy.

Melissa ( I think) is the narrator. She's depressed because she's unmarried, soooo single, soooo old, and her little sister (already married) is pregnant. Oh, and her best guy friend is engaged to this hideous woman who won't let him spend time with Melissa.

So what does Melissa do? She hires a guy to pretend to be her fiance, so that she can have the fun of all the wedding planning, the showers, etc. get all the attention, and MOST importantly, stage a wedding before she turns 30.

(This point pissed me off enormously. I'm 33, and while I don't exactly have a ring on my finger or a lot of prospects lined up on my doorstep, I'm still hopeful that I'll meet Mr. Right-for-me in time to have all the babies I want (2). I like reading romances that reinforce the idea that this will happen when I least expect it. I can live with historical romances where a bride of 25 is past her prime. I hate contemporary characters under 30 who think life ends at 30).

So anyway, the guy Melissa hires is gay and falls in love with her brother (suprise! he's gay, too!) Wedding planning isn't as fun as she thinks it should be, and the stress of planning a fake wedding knowing that everyone thinks the guy she hired is wonderful builds. Oh, and everything is more expensive than she thought it would be.

But, in the end, the Staged Wedding is held, Melissa and several others object to the wedding, Melissa's best guy friend has broken off with hideous woman, and tells Melissa he's in love with her.

And 6 months or a year later, Melissa and Best Guy Friend get married in the perfect wedding--which does not resemble the Staged Wedding in the slightest--but the part which pissed me off was that there was aparently no lingering resentment about being asked to participate in showers for both Staged Wedding and Perfect Wedding.

And there's a Not Quite a Mom by the same author which is at least as mock-worthy.

Elizabeth (never Lizzie) is dating Dan. Boring, Staid, Respectable Dan who earns lots of money, and has really boring sex with Elizabeth. And then one day, something happens.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth's best friend from high school dies in a fatal car accident along with her husband. Leaving Tiffany, her teen age daughter. According to the will, Elizabeth is Tiffany's guardian. Oh, the lawyer in charge of the guardianship thing? Buck--who took Elizabeth to prom.

But Dan doesn't want children--babies or unknown teens-- and has finally proposed. Goofy hijinks ensue, with Dan dumping Elizabeth as soon as he finds out about Tiffany.

More goofy hijinks ensue because Elizabeth will do anything to get Dan back--including pretend to be a Harvard Grad and plan a Bachelor Auction where she will bid on Dan. Except Dan sees her and points out that Elizabeth, her "date" Buck, and her best friend are all NOT Harvard Grads. They leave.

Eventually, Dan and Elizabeth do get back together--just long enough for her to figure out what a self-absorbed slimeball he's always been. So she dumps him, and pursues Buck, who is eager to be caught.

(Buck's a nice guy. It just bugs me a little that he's so willing to get involved with a woman who has just been frantically pursuing a total slimeball idiot, and that Lizzie (as she agrees to be called) gets such total and complete happiness so swiftly. Seriously, she and Buck have sex once, I think before the Elizabeth and Dan get back together for a weekend bit, and Lizzie gets pregnant, so Buck moves in with her a week or two after having sex with her, and marries her 2 or 3 months later, totally happy about the baby on the way, and 3 months later Lizzie's getting a better job ( I left the stupid job hijinks out of the summary) and they are house hunting, and all the problems caused by instant parenthood to a teen have been smoothed out. )

[Kizarvexius]

...Because you can't strike a Marquis de Queensbury pose and announce "I'm familiar with the art of fisticuffs!" in front of a bunch of lumberjacks and not expect to get your butt kicked.

With your kind permission, this is SO going into my sig line.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

Ok, Back to bad romance novels.

Not Quite A Bride by Kristen Sawyer.

Which, technically, I think is Chick Lit, but it's just so mock-worthy it belongs in this thread. And in this case, I'm providing the name of the book and the author because it isn't unenjoyable to read, it's just so mock-worthy.

Melissa ( I think) is the narrator. She's depressed because she's unmarried, soooo single, soooo old, and her little sister (already married) is pregnant. Oh, and her best guy friend is engaged to this hideous woman who won't let him spend time with Melissa.

So what does Melissa do? She hires a guy to pretend to be her fiance, so that she can have the fun of all the wedding planning, the showers, etc. get all the attention, and MOST importantly, stage a wedding before she turns 30.

(This point pissed me off enormously. I'm 33, and while I don't exactly have a ring on my finger or a lot of prospects lined up on my doorstep, I'm still hopeful that I'll meet Mr. Right-for-me in time to have all the babies I want (2). I like reading romances that reinforce the idea that this will happen when I least expect it. I can live with historical romances where a bride of 25 is past her prime. I hate contemporary characters under 30 who think life ends at 30).

So anyway, the guy Melissa hires is gay and falls in love with her brother (suprise! he's gay, too!) Wedding planning isn't as fun as she thinks it should be, and the stress of planning a fake wedding knowing that everyone thinks the guy she hired is wonderful builds. Oh, and everything is more expensive than she thought it would be.

But, in the end, the Staged Wedding is held, Melissa and several others object to the wedding, Melissa's best guy friend has broken off with hideous woman, and tells Melissa he's in love with her.

And 6 months or a year later, Melissa and Best Guy Friend get married in the perfect wedding--which does not resemble the Staged Wedding in the slightest--but the part which pissed me off was that there was aparently no lingering resentment about being asked to participate in showers for both Staged Wedding and Perfect Wedding.

And there's a Not Quite a Mom by the same author which is at least as mock-worthy.

Elizabeth (never Lizzie) is dating Dan. Boring, Staid, Respectable Dan who earns lots of money, and has really boring sex with Elizabeth. And then one day, something happens.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth's best friend from high school dies in a fatal car accident along with her husband. Leaving Tiffany, her teen age daughter. According to the will, Elizabeth is Tiffany's guardian. Oh, the lawyer in charge of the guardianship thing? Buck--who took Elizabeth to prom.

But Dan doesn't want children--babies or unknown teens-- and has finally proposed. Goofy hijinks ensue, with Dan dumping Elizabeth as soon as he finds out about Tiffany.

More goofy hijinks ensue because Elizabeth will do anything to get Dan back--including pretend to be a Harvard Grad and plan a Bachelor Auction where she will bid on Dan. Except Dan sees her and points out that Elizabeth, her "date" Buck, and her best friend are all NOT Harvard Grads. They leave.

Eventually, Dan and Elizabeth do get back together--just long enough for her to figure out what a self-absorbed slimeball he's always been. So she dumps him, and pursues Buck, who is eager to be caught.

(Buck's a nice guy. It just bugs me a little that he's so willing to get involved with a woman who has just been frantically pursuing a total slimeball idiot, and that Lizzie (as she agrees to be called) gets such total and complete happiness so swiftly. Seriously, she and Buck have sex once, I think before the Elizabeth and Dan get back together for a weekend bit, and Lizzie gets pregnant, so Buck moves in with her a week or two after having sex with her, and marries her 2 or 3 months later, totally happy about the baby on the way, and 3 months later Lizzie's getting a better job ( I left the stupid job hijinks out of the summary) and they are house hunting, and all the problems caused by instant parenthood to a teen have been smoothed out. )
God, these sound like plots for chick flicks. So contrived, so hackneyed, so predictable, so stupid, so valueless. That fake wedding plot, especially, sounds exactly like something that would get made made into a movie starring Debra Messing and Rupert Everett and would be a huge hit.

[StarvingButStrong]

I dunno...maybe plotting is the wrong aspect to look at for romances. After all, they pretty much have to have the same basic plot:

Boy meets girl. It's immediately obvious to the reader that they're meant for each other, but that would make for a short, boring book, so conflicts and obstacles have to be manufactured to delay the inevitable for 200 or so pages. Then, boom! The scales fall from their eyes, they fall into each others arms, the end.

Would any romance, even an acknowledged masterpiece, look really stupid in summary form?

Pride and Prejudice. Would you LOOK at the coincidences in that? Wickham not only 'ruins' the heroine's youngest sister, but he also nearly ruined the hero's sister -- what are the odds on that? Or the heroine tours the hero's estate only because she's SURE he won't be there...and then guess who rides up?

And Jane's romance....totally disrupted because the hero tells the secondary hero that the girl he's interested in doesn't seem all that in love with him? What kind of wuss wouldn't even talk with the girl before dropping her entirely?

And the heroine turns down a ridiculous suitor, who immediately marries her best friend?

Wouldn't we scoff at those turns of event in a contemporary romance?

The difference, of course, is that Austen wrote like a genius, and the run-of-the-mill romance writer, not so much.

[Beadalin]

I dunno...maybe plotting is the wrong aspect to look at for romances. After all, they pretty much have to have the same basic plot:
Well, I think there are many sterling examples of bad plotting in this thread alone. It would take a hell of an accomplished author to convincingly pull off the following:

Hero insisting it's not rape because he used lube in his attack on the heroine
Hero lancing a boil on the heroine's ass
Hero who can only get hard with another guy in the room + must have anal sex
Heroine skinny-dipping in the Scottish Highlands. In February.
Heroine losing memory from a conk on the head, then recovering it after another conk on the head

Now you pair that kind of plotting with mediocre or atrocious writing, and you've got yourself a terrible romance novel.

I'd say your post only proves that romance can offer vibrant, enjoyable, believable reading when created by a talented author. But like every genre, it has its share of pure dreck.

[Mama Zappa]

Oooh, the best worst one I ever read, though, (and I can't remember the title), was about a City Girl who is traveling to the hinterlands to meet up with her City Boy fiance, who had come out earlier to meet up with his Country Brother and go over some business matters. Country Brother ended up driving to town (a journey of a week or so) to pick up City Girl because City Boy got sick or something.

So they're on their way back, and City Girl is horrified at this rough, uncouth, uncivilized escort of hers. About a day into the journey she develops a boil on her ass. (Romantic, no?) She and Country Boy end up staying in an abandoned cabin for a few days while he keeps a hot compress on her ass trying to get this boil to come to a head so he can lance it. There's a long description of him lovingly contrasting the inflamed boil with the soft ass skin surrounding it.
...
Oh dear heaven - I read that one. It was by Dorothy Garlock, I think. No clue what the title is as she's rather prolific. Often tells a nice enough story but yeesh, the odd speech patterns. I mean, who on EARTH says "I'll not" or "He'll not" rather than "I won't" or "He won't". Was that common usage 50-100-150 years ago?

Evil Captor, it just occurred to me that that might be from the Gor series. Unpacked a whole lot of those at the bookstore. Read about 50 pages from one, and what you said sounds familiar.

Recap for those lucky enough never to have encountered this shite: Gor is like Earth, but 180° around the Sun, with spacefarers, untamed giant monsters, and a quasi-medieval society. In this one, hot chick is kidnapped, one of many, and assigned to Gorean harem service, where she learns to like her manly master. Or not, I didn't read that far. No way am I looking this up.
"Six Foot Four
Man of Gor
Will He Beat Me Any More
Has Anybody Seen Myyyy Maaaaaaaan"
(No, I haven't read any of the Gor books. And in fairness, that ditty isn't original either - someone sang it in a skit at a SF convention in Chapel Hill back in the 80s).

Not sure I'd count Gor as "romance", as they're not written with the usual target audience (females) in mind.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

I dunno...maybe plotting is the wrong aspect to look at for romances. After all, they pretty much have to have the same basic plot:

Boy meets girl. It's immediately obvious to the reader that they're meant for each other, but that would make for a short, boring book, so conflicts and obstacles have to be manufactured to delay the inevitable for 200 or so pages. Then, boom! The scales fall from their eyes, they fall into each others arms, the end.

Would any romance, even an acknowledged masterpiece, look really stupid in summary form?

Pride and Prejudice. Would you LOOK at the coincidences in that? Wickham not only 'ruins' the heroine's youngest sister, but he also nearly ruined the hero's sister -- what are the odds on that? Or the heroine tours the hero's estate only because she's SURE he won't be there...and then guess who rides up?

And Jane's romance....totally disrupted because the hero tells the secondary hero that the girl he's interested in doesn't seem all that in love with him? What kind of wuss wouldn't even talk with the girl before dropping her entirely?

And the heroine turns down a ridiculous suitor, who immediately marries her best friend?

Wouldn't we scoff at those turns of event in a contemporary romance?

The difference, of course, is that Austen wrote like a genius, and the run-of-the-mill romance writer, not so much.
I can't read Jane Austen either (and I've tried).

I just find the whole idea of romance, as a theme or a subject, to be inherently uninteresting. I've never understood why anybody does find it interesting or entertaining. I think the genre is the female equivalent of porn. It's ludicrous sexual fantasy, just like regular porn, but with extra dollops of turgid emotionalism, which, I guess, serves the same purpose as the mechanical sexual action in male-geared porn (something which is probably just as inherently boring to women as the emotionalism is to men).

[Marlitharn]

With your kind permission, this is SO going into my sig line.
Be my guest!

(I've never been sigged before...:D)

[rocking chair]

okay.... i found and dug out "captive bride" by ms lindsey.

indeed philip's name was sheik abu alhamar. his father was an arab and had kidnapped his mother, they had 2 children one of which is philip. his mum goes back to england with the kids and they are raised and educated in england. phil kidnaps christina from a train and takes her off into the desert to convince her to submit to him. (just like dear ole dad).

clothes are riped, tushes are spanked, stabbing attempts, all the true love bases are covered. his father passes and christina is kidnapped by sheik ali. during her kidnapping she decides she loves philip, truely loves him, and if he finds her and recues her she will show him her love.

of course philip goes off to rescue her. he finds her in the sheik's camp and finds out about the woman his father was to have married after his mum went back to england. his father did not marry her, but did get drunk and had a bit of a disaster of a non wedding night. that resulted in another son and the mother commiting suicide from the shame (years later) so her brother kidnapes christina as a revenge trap. thus the sunburn horrour.

he is released by one of the camp members amair, who's sister is married to one of phil's camp members. he sets phil and tina free. phil and tina are quite a pair as phil is burnt to a chrisp and tina is badly bruised from a beating she got during an escape attempt. they manage to get back to phil's camp.

after 10 days of healing they finally pitch a tent. so, of course, a few days later phil askes his half brother to take tina back to her brother. after a near thing with an english "gentleman" and the fact that she is pregnant, she decides to go back to england where people won't know she had been kidnapped and living in the desert.

naturally she goes back to her estate and tells everyone she was never married. yep, that's really a great idea. her childhood friend tommy is not happy about this but tries to convince her to marry him. we are right back were we started the book.

tommy doesn't back off and she decides to go elsewhere to have the baby. she goes to victory the estate owned by the caxton family. she and her nurse decide that philip couldn't be related to them for he is "no gentleman"!

she finds out that indeed philip is related. she names her son philip junior. philip comes back to england to sell everything and go to america where he can forget his love of tina. he arrives home in time to hear tina agree after much pestering to marry tommy. yes, tommy tracked her down.

big argument, phil and tommy smackdown, junior makes his presence known, the music swells, phil and tina declare their love, all live happily ever after.

[rocking chair]

Gar. :eek: And here I was thinking there were still some standards out there...

[creeps back to rocking chair]

ETA: [and makes note to go down to Old Book Barn at earliest opp] [heh]


hey, duck duck goose, i got a nice blaze book for you. a man from another planet comes to earth, overwhelms a woman, has her walking around naked, and i believe there may even be spanking!

[Diogenes the Cynic]

I dug out my S.J. Perlman anthology and found some of the "Cloudland Revisted" pieces. Here are a couple of excerpts:

From "Into Your Tent I'll Creep":

The opening paragraph of The Sheik is possibly the most superb example of direct plot expositon in the language. Instead of fussing over the table decorations and place cards, like so many novelists, the author whisks open the door of the range and serves the soufflé piping hot. In the very first line of the book, a disembodied voice asks someone named Lady Conway whether she is coming to watch the dancing and gets a tart reply: "I most decidedly am not. I thoroughly disapprove of the expedition of which this dance is the inauguration. I consider that even by contemplating such a tour alone into the desert with no chaperon or attendant of her own sex, with only native cameldrivers and servants, Diana Mayo is behaving with a recklessness and impropriety that is calculated to cast a slur not only on her own reputation, but also on the prestige of her country.... It
is the maddest piece of unprincipled folly I have ever heard of."

That, I submit, is literary honesty of a high order, to say nothing of a forensic style that Cicero would have envied. It does not abuse the reader's patience with a complex psychological probe of Diana's youth, her awakening womanhood, her revolt against narrow social conventions. It tells him, with a minimum of flubdub that a madcap miss is going to be loused up by Arabs and that there will be no exchanges or refunds.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

From "Tuberoses and Tigers":


...Readers would do well to hold Three Weeks at arms length unless they want to be cut by flying adjectives.

Also this:

A few hours after finishing Three Weeks, there came to me out of the blue a supurb concept for a romatic novel upon which I have ben laboring like a demon ever since. In essence, it is the story of an incredibly handsome and wealthy youth of forty-four whose wife and children, dismayed by hsi infatuation for servant girl literature, pack him off to Switzerland. There he meets and falls in love with a ravishing twenty-three-year-old girl, half tigress and half publisher. The tigress in her fascinates him at the same time that the publisher revolts him, and out of this ambivalence, grows the conflict...

[Obsidian]

I have ready many bad romance novels which have been thrown against the wall. When it's not 1AM I will see if I can recall some well enough to summarize.

In the meantime, this blog is hilarious: http://www.smartbitchestrashybooks.com/

Search the archives for their D and F reviews for some particularly ridiculous books.

[Motorgirl]

okay.... i found and dug out "captive bride" by ms lindsey.


Thank you! If I have a copy it's boxed up somewhere, so now I feel less guilty about failing to retrieve it!

[Evil Captor]

I was thinking "The Thorns of Barevi," first story (and the only one I've read) of the Catteni Series, (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catteni_Series) a rape-glorifying tale which McCaffrey cheerfully admitted she wrote in 1970 to cash in on the "soft porn" market. (And this was just as feminism was starting to emerge.)

What, BG, ya think soft porn stopped, or people stopped liking it, because of feminism? I'll bet a lot of feminists like soft porn.

[BrainGlutton]

I dunno...maybe plotting is the wrong aspect to look at for romances. After all, they pretty much have to have the same basic plot:

Boy meets girl. It's immediately obvious to the reader that they're meant for each other, but that would make for a short, boring book, so conflicts and obstacles have to be manufactured to delay the inevitable for 200 or so pages. Then, boom! The scales fall from their eyes, they fall into each others arms, the end.

Wouldn't it make for better suspense, if there's more than one potential love interest for the woman introduced in the first couple of chapters, and it's not at all clear until the middle of the book or later which one she's going to end up with? Or the same, but genders reversed?

Why are romance novels never written like that? (I have read books where that's part of the plot, but they're definitely outside the romance genre -- i.e., the relationships are not what the story is about.)

[BrainGlutton]

What, BG, ya think soft porn stopped, or people stopped liking it, because of feminism? I'll bet a lot of feminists like soft porn.

What, even with rape glorified?! You know what I mean -- the kind of story where the man (well, in this story the non-human humanoid male) forces himself on the woman and she's reluctant at first but before long she can't get enough. IME, feminists hate that sort of thinking with a cold passion, on the assumption that it's exactly what underlies much real-life incidence -- and more importantly tolerance -- of rape.

[BrainGlutton]

Oh dear heaven - I read that one. It was by Dorothy Garlock, I think. No clue what the title is as she's rather prolific. Often tells a nice enough story but yeesh, the odd speech patterns. I mean, who on EARTH says "I'll not" or "He'll not" rather than "I won't" or "He won't". Was that common usage 50-100-150 years ago?

It was in Dickens' time and I believe it still is in some English-speaking countries.

[StarvingButStrong]

Wouldn't it make for better suspense, if there's more than one potential love interest for the woman introduced in the first couple of chapters, and it's not at all clear until the middle of the book or later which one she's going to end up with? Or the same, but genders reversed?

Why are romance novels never written like that? (I have read books where that's part of the plot, but they're definitely outside the romance genre -- i.e., the relationships are not what the story is about.)

I'll take a stab at answering -- I think it comes down to what the readers of "romance" novels want. Which is, they want to identify with the heroine and have a perfect, happily ever after ending. IOW, it has to fit into the 'There is ONE true love' trope, which is why only one truly suitable mate. And as for two heroines -- horrors! What if the reader is identifying with Alice and waiting for her to win the guy, and instead Betty gets him??? Utterly unsatisfying to the reader. I'd bet she'd never read another romance by that author.


There is one exception to the 'only one man' pattern, and that's in romances that include mystery or suspense aspects. Then there *will* be two men for the heroine to be torn between. Most likely one man will be blond, fair of face, of good family and well thought of and the other will have dark hair, with 'irregular but strangely intriguing features, possibly including a not-at-all disfiguring facial scar, who will be either a stranger to the local society or maybe an outcast.

Guess which one turns out to be a kitten-raping ax-murderer and which one is noble and kind despite having suffered unfair turns of fate in the past. :rolleyes:

[BrainGlutton]

I'll take a stab at answering -- I think it comes down to what the readers of "romance" novels want. Which is, they want to identify with the heroine and have a perfect, happily ever after ending. IOW, it has to fit into the 'There is ONE true love' trope, which is why only one truly suitable mate. And as for two heroines -- horrors! What if the reader is identifying with Alice and waiting for her to win the guy, and instead Betty gets him??? Utterly unsatisfying to the reader. I'd bet she'd never read another romance by that author.

Are (non-gay) romances always written for female readers?

(Guess so, based on responses in this (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=390603) thread. What's written for male readers is called "porn.")

[BrainGlutton]

Thread on the absence of love triangles in romance novels. (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=399649)

In manga or anime, OTOH, you can get a love dodecahedron. (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/LoveDodecahedron)

[jsc1953]

In essence, it is the story of an incredibly handsome and wealthy youth of forty-four whose wife and children, dismayed by hsi infatuation for servant girl literature, pack him off to Switzerland. [/i]

Thanks for posting this, Di -- I'll have to find my copy and give it a re-read.

You don't hear the phrase "servant girl literature" enough these days.

[Sigmagirl]

I am just back from my business trip, during which I had no access, and have read with mixed dismay and gratitude what happened on this thread during my absence. I want to say that I really didn't mean to start a controversy, by posting excerpts from a book without citing the author and title, and I apologize again to those who found it objectionable. I won't do it again.

Back to the thread topic, I have little to contribute, except that I recall one sort of anthology of erotic stories in which one man announced to his lover that he was going to perform anal sex on her. Hearing no objection, he then proceeded to do so. The publisher had a sort of disclaimer in the front of the book stating that they didn't use stories glorifying rape, so I figured that they considered this "tacit approval" -- she didn't say no. I don't remember the author or title, so can't supply, but I remember that the context of the story was such that the woman seemed quite intimidated. I did not find it erotic.

I asked a librarian once if he had a strict definition of the difference between "romance" and "chick lit." He did not, and I wonder if anyone knows of an article that's been written about it.

[Ferret Herder]

I asked a librarian once if he had a strict definition of the difference between "romance" and "chick lit." He did not, and I wonder if anyone knows of an article that's been written about it.
WAG: The whole focus of a romance novel, the entire point, is to get the heroine into a relationship with her true love. Any other story elements are merely there to provide "color" and barely distinguish them from other romance novels. In a "chick lit" book, romance is important but so is her career / problem with her best friend / etc. and by the end of the book, all of those problems should be wrapped up.

I don't remember the story but one romance novel I read had the conceit of the woman had fallen asleep on a bed during a party. The romantic hero came in and saw this lovely woman, and went over to check her out. She half woke up and thought he was a dream so she acted all interested in him, and he got to the point where he'd just about penetrated her, and suddenly she realized this was real, and "woke up" and screamed, in time for a passer-by to hear and burst in. I'm sure the rest was something to do with him being driven off as a cad and having to leave for a while, but hell if I remember.

[Eureka]

BrainGlutton,
I thought of you today when I read the following [taken from the blurb on the back of a book I'd just read] "Dorie boards-- and soon meets two hotties: pro baseball player Andy, and the ship's hunky French Doctor."

The book is The Trouble with Paradise by Jill Shalvis, and there's a lot less in-book suspense than one might expect from that description over whether Andy or the Gorgeous Grumpy Doctor is the one Dorie's going to end up with--despite Andy's eagerness to flirt, and the Doctor's general irritabilty.

Of course, given that elapsed time in the book is only on the order of 6 months, 3 weeks (and the six month part only comes in because of the Epilogue, and two of the 3 weeks occur before Dorie meets the hunks), one might not find serious love-triangle stuff suitable for a standard romance.

The book itself is not great literature, but is hardly a candidate for worst romance novel I've read.

[pepperlandgirl]

Wouldn't it make for better suspense, if there's more than one potential love interest for the woman introduced in the first couple of chapters, and it's not at all clear until the middle of the book or later which one she's going to end up with? Or the same, but genders reversed?

Why are romance novels never written like that? (I have read books where that's part of the plot, but they're definitely outside the romance genre -- i.e., the relationships are not what the story is about.)

Why do you say "never" written like that? I've read books like that. I've written books like that. I'm writing one like that right this moment, in fact.

There's a lot more to the romance genre than what you're seeing here (and many of the books mentioned are "old skool" bodice-rippers). The only thing a romance novel requires is people in a primary relationship (sometimes a couple, m/f, or m/m, sometimes a threesome, m/f/m, m/m/f, m/m/m) who are happy and have a good shot at remaining happy (with the understanding that bad stuff could happen)--that is, the "Happy for Now" ending is becoming more acceptable. Romance novels cover nearly every subgenre you can think of, with an increasing number of female leads who would chop off a dick before having sex against their will. Many romance novels have two A plots--that is the romance is an A-plot and whatever else is happening (depending on the subgenre) is also treated as an A-plot. There's some erotic books and some sweet books. There's blunt writing and purple prose. Sweeping generalizations aren't accurate in the genre anymore.

Sure you can find some ridiculous tropes in the Harlequin lines (especially the Presents and the Blaze) but the romance genre is a big, big umbrella, and with the increasing number of epublishers and small publishers influencing the genre, the boundaries and rules are changing all the time.

And men do read romance novels, both m/f and m/m.