Should we go to this wedding?

[Fat Chance]

My girlfriends cousin was set to get married in November of this year. They had set a date, told family and close friends, but hadn't yet sent out save the dates or invites yet.

2 days ago my girlfriend gets an Evite (yes an Evite) to their wedding that is now moved up to July 19th. After talking with her mom, we find out it is because the fiancee is pregnant so they need to get married asap.

So, we live in NY (as does much of the cousin's family - parents, siblings, etc) but the wedding is in South Carolina where they live.

So, on about 4 weeks notice we are supposed to make arrangements to take time off of work, find a place to stay, either spend a fortune on the last minute airfare, or drive the round trip of 1700 miles.

We already have a wedding to go to 2 weeks before, and really haven't at all budgeted for such an expense this July - was originally planning on having time to save, find the best flights/hotels, etc before November.

My feeling is that this is an event that we are perfectly justified in declining the invite (neither of us really wants to go) but my girlfriend feels obligated, as we've been to his brother's and sister's wedding already, its family, etc.

Are we obligated to go, or is this just weird?

[Justin_Bailey]

Is your girlfriend close to this cousin? If so, you should probably go.

Were you planning on going to the wedding in November? If so, consider going to this one.

But if you're asking us, you probably don't want to go anyway, so don't.

[Man With a Cat]

If it's important to your girlfriend, even if you have to jump through some hoops, try and go. It's more than you have to do since they changed plans more or less at the last minute. No one will (or should) think less of you if don't, but it would be nice and who knows - you may feel glad you went.

[Mongo Ponton]

Since it's your girlfriends family here's the deal;

you'll go if your told to go and you'll smile and be charming.

You do not want to be the guy they pin the lack of attendance on.

[Scarlett67]

Are we obligated to go . . . ?
Of course not. Send your regrets with a clear conscience, along with a gift and a gracious note of congratulations.

[astro]

That's a major trip, time and money commitment on very short notice. Unless this is mission critical must attend I feel you are perfectly entitled to decline.

And not to get too pointed about it, but a part of this has to do with your sense of obligation, not your GF's, and that's going to based on the nature of your relationship. If I were your GF the decent thing to do would be to give you an out, even if she felt she had to attend. Has this been offered to you?

[ivylass]

If you can't go, you can't go. It doesn't mean you don't wish them well. Send them a gift and congratulations.

I assume with the brother's and sister's wedding you were given ample notice to plan and arrange things? If they live in SC, I would continue to save and make your trip down in November to see them.

[Green Bean]

Of course you're not obligated. That doesn't mean you shouldn't go, however.

They didn't move the wedding date on a whim. They did it because of exigent circumstances.* I'm sure that they are quite disappointed at the loss of the wedding that they wanted. And they may be having some negative feelings about the unplanned pregnancy as well.

I'd say you should go if you can swing it. Part of the role of family is to provide support and love for one another. By attending, you're saying "Hey, I'm here for you."

But if you really can't do it, or genuinely don't want to go, then don't, and don't feel guilty about it. If these people are at all reasonable, they will certainly understand that moving the date up like that means that some people will be unable to attend.



* Whether you agree that a pregnancy automatically creates exigent circumstances or not is a topic for another thread. It is a generally accepted idea among many/most people in the U.S. and is the motivating factor in this case.

[Man With a Cat]

Of course you're not obligated. That doesn't mean you shouldn't go, however.

They didn't move the wedding date on a whim. They did it because of exigent circumstances.* I'm sure that they are quite disappointed at the loss of the wedding that they wanted. And they may be having some negative feelings about the unplanned pregnancy as well.

I'd say you should go if you can swing it. Part of the role of family is to provide support and love for one another. By attending, you're saying "Hey, I'm here for you."

But if you really can't do it, or genuinely don't want to go, then don't, and don't feel guilty about it. If these people are at all reasonable, they will certainly understand that moving the date up like that means that some people will be unable to attend.



* Whether you agree that a pregnancy automatically creates exigent circumstances or not is a topic for another thread. It is a generally accepted idea among many/most people in the U.S. and is the motivating factor in this case.


Late edit: The above was exactly what I was trying to say, but said a lot more coherently.

[Eureka]

Agreed, it would be nice of you to go and not make a big fuss about how they've inconvenienced you by moving the date up. But if you can't make the arrangements, you can't and sending a gift is the appropriate thing to do.

[Santo Rugger]

Just wanted to point out the apt username/OP combo.

[Mama Zappa]

Excellent advice up-thread. I would say that if you'd have attended in November, you should make at least *some* effort to attend this summer but if it truly isn't feasible with such short notice, then send a nice gift and an apologetic note with your regrets.

Please tell me I'm not the only one to see your username and think "aha! THERE'S YOUR ANSWER RIGHT THERE!"

[sugar and spice]

And not to get too pointed about it, but a part of this has to do with your sense of obligation, not your GF's, and that's going to based on the nature of your relationship. If I were your GF the decent thing to do would be to give you an out, even if she felt she had to attend. Has this been offered to you? Yes, I was wondering this as well, it seems like it would make the most sense if she went by herself. She'll know enough people there to have company, it will save a bunch of money in travel costs, and it doesn't sound like you'd really mind being left behind. Of course that's between you and her if she's okay with that, but from the POV of the wedding couple it would seem preferable to neither of you making it.

[Cat Whisperer]

I think you should do a little investigating before you say you can't make it, and if you find out the airfare would break the bank, or it's going to be a six-day drive there and back and neither of you can get time off work, then you decline with a clear conscience. Reasonable people who spring an out-of-town wedding on people with a month's notice don't expect everyone to be able to make it.

[NinetyWt]

Yes, I was wondering this as well, it seems like it would make the most sense if she went by herself. She'll know enough people there to have company, it will save a bunch of money in travel costs, and it doesn't sound like you'd really mind being left behind. Of course that's between you and her if she's okay with that, but from the POV of the wedding couple it would seem preferable to neither of you making it.

I agree with sugar and spice.

six-day drive there and back and neither of you can get time off work I'd rather take a beatin' than do a six-day drive. Of course, I'm getting old ...... I'm so old, I was around when the Dead Sea was just getting sick.

[Fat Chance]

Thanks for the input - to respond to a few questions:

Is your girlfriend close to this cousin? If so, you should probably go.

Were you planning on going to the wedding in November? If so, consider going to this one.

But if you're asking us, you probably don't want to go anyway, so don't.

She isn't all that close to this cousin, but is very close to his brother. We were planning on going in November.

The thing is, neither of us really wants to go - even my GF's first reaction when hearing was, "Screw that - we're not going". But now other family members have started asking her about travel plans, etc. and she is starting to feel bad.


Since it's your girlfriends family here's the deal;

you'll go if your told to go and you'll smile and be charming.

You do not want to be the guy they pin the lack of attendance on.

Oh, I know! I pretty much told her that it is up to her. If she really feels like going, we'll make it work.



And not to get too pointed about it, but a part of this has to do with your sense of obligation, not your GF's, and that's going to based on the nature of your relationship. If I were your GF the decent thing to do would be to give you an out, even if she felt she had to attend. Has this been offered to you?

She has indeed told me not to feel like I need to go, but on the other hand I don't really feel it is an option. Though we are unmarried, her family considers me her husband basically (been together 8 years, own a home together, etc) so my not showing up would be insulting, without a really good personal reason why.


At this point I am remaining quiet and letting her decide what she wants to do. I told her I would do whatever, provided I can get off work, and also to let her know that due to the expense we would have to change some other summer travel plans and work we were doing on the house.

[Fat Chance]

And the latest - her other cousin (the one she is close with) emailed her last night and told her that he has arranged to rent a large house near the water for the family (his parents, wife, sister/husband, my GF, me GF's mother, other aunts/uncles, etc), and giving us estimates on our share of the cost. They are planning on going down a few days early and staying a few days after to enjoy the beach etc.

This kind of annoys me, as even if we do go, it would only be for a night or 2 max. Who makes arrangements assuming we can take several days off of work and spend the money for a 5 day vacation on 4 weeks notice?

Somehow, this isn't going to end well....

[Eureka]

She has indeed told me not to feel like I need to go, but on the other hand I don't really feel it is an option. Though we are unmarried, her family considers me her husband basically (been together 8 years, own a home together, etc) so my not showing up would be insulting, without a really good personal reason why.
Aha. A description of your relationship which makes you sound a whole lot more connected at the hip than the word "girlfriend" did. Not that "couldn't get the time off work" wouldn't sound like a really good personal reason why to most folk under the circumstances.

With respect to the rental house issue, I think you are jumping to the conclusion that there will be drama prematurely. This is your chance to politely e-mail back stating that if you attend, it will probably be for only 1 or 2 nights, and your budget will be limited. Thanks for thinking of us, but . . .

[TroubleAgain]

And the latest - her other cousin (the one she is close with) emailed her last night and told her that he has arranged to rent a large house near the water for the family (his parents, wife, sister/husband, my GF, me GF's mother, other aunts/uncles, etc), and giving us estimates on our share of the cost. They are planning on going down a few days early and staying a few days after to enjoy the beach etc.

This kind of annoys me, as even if we do go, it would only be for a night or 2 max. Who makes arrangements assuming we can take several days off of work and spend the money for a 5 day vacation on 4 weeks notice?

Somehow, this isn't going to end well....

Yeah, that's REALLY presumptuous of them. Good luck working this one out. I'm afraid my response would be a politely worded refusal to fork over "my share" of their vacation....

[Fat Chance]

Aha. A description of your relationship which makes you sound a whole lot more connected at the hip than the word "girlfriend" did.

I know - I once started a thread suggesting we need to create a new word for a significant other that is very serious (living together, etc) but not married to, without using the word 'partner'. This is one of the reasons why!


With respect to the rental house issue, I think you are jumping to the conclusion that there will be drama prematurely. This is your chance to politely e-mail back stating that if you attend, it will probably be for only 1 or 2 nights, and your budget will be limited. Thanks for thinking of us, but . . .

I am jumping to conclusion of drama only based on previous experience with the family....

[Eureka]

I am jumping to conclusion of drama only based on previous experience with the family....
perfectly reasonable.

[Cat Whisperer]

That would be a warning bell for me, too. It would also get my back up, to have people demanding to know if I was going, and making plans for my money without consulting me. The sucky part of all this is that is sounds like it could have been a lot of fun, if you had had proper notice. Your girlfriend needs to figure out what she can do and wants to do and let her family firmly know where you guys stand. There are no obligations here.

[Belrix]

I agree with sugar and spice.

I'd rather take a beatin' than do a six-day drive. Of course, I'm getting old ...... I'm so old, I was around when the Dead Sea was just getting sick.
Eh - one day down, one day attend, one day back. Three days.

It's only 850 miles - that's not awful. What? Maybe 14 hours driving?

However, I'm in the "don't go if it's not that big a deal to you" camp. Perceived obligation kinda fades away after the 200 mile mark for me.

Want to feel better about it? You can send a better gift for a fraction of what the travel costs would take from your pocket. You'll look generous and save two days in the car.

[DMark]

Certainly one of the two of you can come up with a credible reason (work related?) that would make this last minute change impossible for you to go?

Then you could send a larger check/gift (considering you are saving air-fare and hotel, etc.) so the bride and groom go "wow" when they get it - hard feelings tend to evaporate with very nice gifts.

Friends from Illinois were recently here for a wedding in Las Vegas, and although those who booked early paid about $200 round trip, one aunt booked late and had to pay $1000 for her flight! That is a lot of money to spend to be one of many in the background of a wedding - especially if you are not even in the wedding party!

Personally, considering the short notice, the rather large expense, and the fact that neither of you is all that wild to go - I would send sincere regrets and a nice check and forget about it.

[Fat Chance]

Eh - one day down, one day attend, one day back. Three days.

It's only 850 miles - that's not awful. What? Maybe 14 hours driving?

.

I usually don't mind driving but this sounds like a nightmare -

Take Friday off, leave the house at 6AM, get to SC at 7 or 8 PM, maybe in time for any dinners or hang out or whatever. Wedding on Sat with reception that will likely run pretty late into the night, which means we won't be getting up at dawn on Sunday. Even if we leave by 11 or noon, that puts us home well after Midnight Sunday, and then back to work on Monday.

Sounds like a blast.


For November, we were planning on taking some more time off, staying with a friend of mine for a day or 2 after, so it would have been more relaxing.

[Fat Chance]

Certainly one of the two of you can come up with a credible reason (work related?) that would make this last minute change impossible for you to go?

.

A valid excuse isn't a problem - I've suggested many many to the GF :D (work, money, travel, time, other plans, etc)

She doesn't really want to go either, its just that she is feeling obligated, or that it would rude not to go.

[ivylass]

She doesn't really want to go either, its just that she is feeling obligated, or that it would rude not to go.

Family is tough. But when they start to pressure you into things you don't want to do, that's rough. If your SO attends under pressure, she will resent the time and expense, and you'll be edgy because she's edgy, and it won't be a fun time.

Instead of hemming and hawing, your SO is going to have to put her foot down with her family and tell them plainly but politely that you will be unable to attend due to the change of date. No arguments, no long drawn out explanations...just that November = good, July = not feasible. Send a lovely gift and let it go.

[Drunky Smurf]

A valid excuse isn't a problem - I've suggested many many to the GF :D (work, money, travel, time, other plans, etc)

She doesn't really want to go either, its just that she is feeling obligated, or that it would rude not to go.
I would not go because a four week notice for such an expense is rude on their part. I would not feel like I was being rude for declining to go because expecting me to come up with the money and time off of work in that short amount of time would not be possible for me and that is what I would tell them except for the rudeness on their part part.

If the wedding was in November like originally planned and I had all that time to save up for the wedding then I would go but not in this situation.

Just because they want to change the wedding date before she gives birth just to satiatie some idea they have that it would be better that way does not obligate me to conform, and be put out, to their change.

[Alessan]

I have to say - what kind of jobs do you people have that 4 weeks isn't enough notice to take a couple of days off?

[DMark]

I just came up with the perfect solution!
The LasVegasDopeFest08 is July 11, 12 and 13th. Quick book a flight here for the two of you, pretend you have had this booked for months, and nobody could possibly expect you to come home and turn around and take another big trip the following weekend!

That way, you can have a great time here with us and spend the money you would have spent going to the wedding!

[lobotomyboy63]

Sounds like a total PITA to me.

I don't think you're ever obligated to go when the distance is so great. Especially when gas prices are uncertain, a lot of people will probably send a note, possibly a gift, and decline. Think of the super gift you can send with all the gas money you won't be spending!

And really, weddings aren't supposed to be an epic journey that requires you to take several days off work. Some don't have the sick time, or others may only get paid if they work, etc. Nah, it's too much.

The most logical thing, it would seem to me, is for them to come to you. I.e. get the family together in NY for a "second ceremony" and/or a reception. If you pooled your money maybe that could be a gift to them.

[sugar and spice]

Okay, I thought your girlfriend wanted to go. To clarify, I agree with others that it's not an obligation for either of you. And not obligated means no drawn out explanation is needed.

The other thing I'm thinking is that, and I mean this nicely, you might not be on their VIP guest list. You're out-of-town cousins who aren't that close to the couple, you probably wouldn't be interacting much with the bride or groom that day anyhow. And it sounds like it's like other family members who are pinging your girlfriend to make travel plans, not the couple themselves. I'm sure cousin-she's-close-too will be disappointed if you don't show, but you know, it's not his wedding.

That is a lot of money to spend to be one of many in the background of a wedding - especially if you are not even in the wedding party!Yes, that's how I feel. Funerals and medical emergencies are the sort of things that family need to drop everything and fly out for. last-minute weddings .... not so much.

[Geek Mecha]

I have to say - what kind of jobs do you people have that 4 weeks isn't enough notice to take a couple of days off?
Non-salaried jobs. It's not an issue of notice, but whether I have accumulated enough paid time off. If I just came back from my 3-week vacation, I would have zero hours PTO left and 4 weeks would not be enough time to accrue 16 hrs PTO. And you bet your butt that if I'm taking time off to attend this kind of fiasco, I want PTO.

Since there is travel and considerable time/cost involved, it is inconsiderate of them to move the wedding 5 months up to just 4 weeks away. I'd also be really turned off by being informed of "my share" of plans I didn't suggest or have any input towards.

Your reason for attending a wedding should be "I want to." If there's none of that desire, don't go.

[Quartz]

I think you should go. Consider it research into your SO's wider family. Is there a sleeper train available?

[Fat Chance]

I have to say - what kind of jobs do you people have that 4 weeks isn't enough notice to take a couple of days off?

We are both salaried, and normally 4 weeks would be plenty of time, however we both have some major things going on at work. My GF has an employee on maternity leave that reports to her, and a peer that just resigned. I am the middle of a major project and need to be available to consultants, as well as the fact that my boss is on vacation at that time.

Taking that Friday off would be doable, but anything more (to join in on the whole sudden vacation to the beach house) would not be doable at this time.

[Fat Chance]

We are both salaried, and normally 4 weeks would be plenty of time, however we both have some major things going on at work. My GF has an employee on maternity leave that reports to her, and a peer that just resigned. I am the middle of a major project and need to be available to consultants, as well as the fact that my boss is on vacation at that time.

Taking that Friday off would be doable, but anything more (to join in on the whole sudden vacation to the beach house) would not be doable at this time.

Oh, and we are taking a day off (Friday) for a wedding the weekend before that has been planned for months and hotels booked, so to suddenly ask for another day the next week...

[Zsofia]

Just so you know, it's going to be about a billion degrees here in four weeks. Might want to keep that in mind. :)

[Katriona]

I have to say - what kind of jobs do you people have that 4 weeks isn't enough notice to take a couple of days off?

My company has kind of a vacation "blackout" right now due to a big project. Between mid-May to the end of July, they've asked that no department have more than two people out on the same day for "planned" absences. We all put in for our preferred dates some time ago, and making changes to that now is nigh on impossible unless you can find someone else who just grabbed some dates to be away from the office for a day or two and doesn't have plans set in stone who would be willing to swap.

That doesn't sound like it's the case here, but it's not unusual, either.

I say send a nice gift and consider any obligation fulfilled.

[CairoCarol]

Wait, you're getting almost a month's notice to go somewhere in the SAME country you live in, that you could DRIVE to if necessary, to commemorate a HAPPY occasion?

In the past 6 months, I have made THREE trips, all with 24 to 48 hours notice, from Jakarta to Mexico because of my father's critical illness and death. The first trip was when holiday rates were in effect, and cost me nearly $4,000 in airfare. I have had to take four weeks off of work at a job I only started six months ago, and as a result am staying home to go to the office this year while my husband and son take a vacation without me.

Go to the wedding or not, but either way, in the great scheme of things I don't think you are being all that put upon. Be glad it's a wedding and not a funeral.

[Fat Chance]

Wait, you're getting almost a month's notice to go somewhere in the SAME country you live in, that you could DRIVE to if necessary, to commemorate a HAPPY occasion?

In the past 6 months, I have made THREE trips, all with 24 to 48 hours notice, from Jakarta to Mexico because of my father's critical illness and death. The first trip was when holiday rates were in effect, and cost me nearly $4,000 in airfare. I have had to take four weeks off of work at a job I only started six months ago, and as a result am staying home to go to the office this year while my husband and son take a vacation without me.

Go to the wedding or not, but either way, in the great scheme of things I don't think you are being all that put upon. Be glad it's a wedding and not a funeral.

If it was a funeral, or for a sick relative time and expense would be no problem. We both missed a few days when my GF's grandfather was sick and then died. I walked out of work a couple of weeks ago for a few days when I got the call that my grandmother passed away.

Comparing obligations related to sickness/deaths and rescheduled weddings due to avoiding the embarrassement of an unplanned pregnancy are far far different.

[lobotomyboy63]

Comparing obligations related to sickness/deaths and rescheduled weddings due to avoiding the embarrassement of an unplanned pregnancy are far far different.

I agree with this. I also think some people couldn't afford the $4,000 mentioned in that post to begin with (where's the 'raising my hand' icon?).

[Fat Chance]

So, it looks like we are not going. The GF told everyone that we couldn't make it (not sure exactly what she said, but something to do with work/money/time).

Now we'll see if any drama comes from this or not.

We both agreed, that what the couple should have done was get married in a justice of the peace thing, if it was important for them to do so before the child is born, then schedule a reception next spring after the baby is a couple of months old and everyone has a chance to plan, save, etc.

[Cat Whisperer]

Good for you, Fat Chance. It sounds like you and your old lady* have sat down and chewed through this, and your decision is the right one for you. If anyone gives you a hard time over it, all you need to say (as often as required) is, "We've made the best decision for us." Hopefully anyone questioning you will understand the undercurrent of, "It's none of YOUR goddamn business."

*How's that for an alternative to "girlfriend?" :D

[Fat Chance]

old lady*

*How's that for an alternative to "girlfriend?" :D


I'll try that out on her tonight, and let you know how it goes. May be a couple of days until I am released from the hospital though...

[lobotomyboy63]

Another stopper, which I think I read in Miss Manners: when someone asks a nosy question, reply: "Why do you ask?"

[sugar and spice]

We both agreed, that what the couple should have done was get married in a justice of the peace thing, if it was important for them to do so before the child is born, then schedule a reception next spring after the baby is a couple of months old and everyone has a chance to plan, save, etc.Well you know you can't really worry about what the couple should have done. They made the decision that is best for them given the circumstances, and you have to respect that. Just like they have to respect your decision that sending regrets and a card is best for the two of you.

[Eureka]

Thank you sugar and spice for expressing what I was thinking better than my attempts had.

[Fat Chance]

Well you know you can't really worry about what the couple should have done. They made the decision that is best for them given the circumstances, and you have to respect that. Just like they have to respect your decision that sending regrets and a card is best for the two of you.

Oh, I know that. We were just chatting, and thinking that it would have been the way we would have handled it, just to make it easier on everyone. Not really judging them, just thinking ways we thought this whole thing could have worked better, thats all.

[CairoCarol]

Originally posted by Fat Chance:obligations related to sickness/deaths and rescheduled weddings due to avoiding the embarrassement of an unplanned pregnancy are far far different.

My intent was not "an unplanned pregnancy is like a funeral" and I'm not sure why my comment would be taken to mean that, but perhaps I was unclear. What I did mean was that I sensed that you feel extremely put upon because you believe that an unreasonable request has been made of you.

My point is just that in the great scheme of life, it doesn't sound to me like what you were being asked to do was THAT onerous. If you can't afford it, then don't go. But what would you prefer ... that they don't even invite you because they'd say "oh, Fat Chance and his girlfriend won't have the money, so let's not extend an invitation, it would just piss them off?" Of course not.

Also, I sensed (and perhaps I'm wrong in this) a certain amount of judgment against the couple because of the unplanned pregnancy. Let's say they had moved the wedding up for a different reason, such as one of them was in the army and was being sent to Iraq. That wouldn't be their "fault" in the same way, and I wonder if you would have written the OP in the same tone.

[NinetyWt]

My point is just that in the great scheme of life, it doesn't sound to me like what you were being asked to do was THAT onerous. If you can't afford it, then don't go. But what would you prefer ... that they don't even invite you because they'd say "oh, Fat Chance and his girlfriend won't have the money, so let's not extend an invitation, it would just piss them off?" Of course not. The vibe I got about that was, that it was inconsiderate to pick a date only 4 weeks away. It's difficult to rearrange your life for such a trip on only 4 weeks' notice. That was the onerous part, IMO.

Also, I sensed (and perhaps I'm wrong in this) a certain amount of judgment against the couple because of the unplanned pregnancy. Let's say they had moved the wedding up for a different reason, such as one of them was in the army and was being sent to Iraq. That wouldn't be their "fault" in the same way, and I wonder if you would have written the OP in the same tone. I think the couple set the tone for this when they 'had' to move the wedding. A pregnant bride is not unheard of. I myself was about 4 months pregnant at the time of my first wedding.

I'll tell you what I felt upon reading the OP - that the moving of the date was for the bride's convenience. Shes' got 5 months between now and the original wedding date. What's wrong with a day, say, 8 weeks from now? Or 10 weeks? She may have worries about fitting into the dress - well then, she could wait until the baby's birth and then have the wedding. There are all kinds of compromises - I think the option the bride chose was a bit selfish. YMMV.

[Eureka]

There are all kinds of compromises - I think the option the bride chose was a bit selfish. YMMV.
Well, maybe. But what if this date works well for the bride's parents and siblings and grandparents, and the groom's parents and siblings and grandparents and a later date this summer does not? Failure to give Fat Chance more than four weeks notice may be selfish, but to weight his needs more heavily than the needs of more immediate family would be silly. Now maybe the bride didn't consult any family members at all, but I'm guessing she consulted the ones that mattered the most, and Fat Chance quite reasonably didn't make the cut.

Besides, if you squint just right, this is actually a considerate option, only four weeks notice makes it perfectly reasonable for someone to be unable to make it do to work/vacation/financial issues.

[Manda JO]

I'll tell you what I felt upon reading the OP - that the moving of the date was for the bride's convenience. Shes' got 5 months between now and the original wedding date. What's wrong with a day, say, 8 weeks from now? Or 10 weeks? She may have worries about fitting into the dress - well then, she could wait until the baby's birth and then have the wedding. There are all kinds of compromises - I think the option the bride chose was a bit selfish. YMMV.

How can a wedding be selfish? The OP has made it clear that the bride and groom have put no pressure on anyone to make the rescheduled date--other family members have, which is crappy, but the principals haven't. If they decided getting married well before the baby was born was more important than having all of their distant relatives in attendance--I think that's a reasonable choice.

[Cat Whisperer]

I keep thinking, while reading this thread, "Lack of (family) planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on my part." I think that's something like what Fat Chance and his ball and chain* used to make their decision.

*No?

[NinetyWt]

How can a wedding be selfish? Not the wedding. The option she chose. And I say "a bit". Not entirely. I'm only somewhat bothered by it, not extremely. See?

[Manda JO]

Not the wedding. The option she chose. And I say "a bit". Not entirely. I'm only somewhat bothered by it, not extremely. See?

Do you think people that elope are a bit selfish? It just seems to me that a wedding is about the people getting married, and as long as they aren't expecting anything from other people, it's not reasonable to expect anything from them.

[NinetyWt]

Do you think people that elope are a bit selfish? It just seems to me that a wedding is about the people getting married, and as long as they aren't expecting anything from other people, it's not reasonable to expect anything from them.
No, I don't think people who elope are selfish at all. I agree that the wedding is about the people who are getting married. What I am trying to say is that my perception was that the bride expected people to be able to make a four-week reschedule. That part is what I said seemed 'a bit selfish'.

I'm not trying to make some grand judment over this young lady - merely an observation of the vibe I got from reading the OP.

As has already been noted, nobody reading this thread has all the facts and background to the story; even Fat Chance and his gf don't; it's not up to me to decide whether or not the bride has made some egregious faux pas; etc. etc.

Is that more clear? :)

[Fat Chance]

Just thought I'd give a follow up, since the wedding was a couple of weeeks ago.

We didn't end up going, but my gf's mother (aunt of the groom) went, so we got all the dirt and stories:

- She got totally screwed by the whole paying for the house thing - she got a small bed in a room with 2 other family members, and paid the same amount of those who got private rooms and bathrooms in the house. She argued with her nephew who arranged it but never got anywhere.

- Found out the groom told everyone in the family that the reason his bride got pregnant was "Because the condom broke" Yeah right. And who actually has these conversations with your family (parents, siblings, aunts, uncles)?

- 34 year old bride was a virgin before she met him. No word on if the "breaking condom" situation was actually thier first time, but it was implied. They have been dating for about 2 years or so. This also was told to the entire family by the groom.

- The bride was a giant bitch the entire time. Won't let her husband do anything, no drinking, constant put downs, ridicule, is making them move to Florida after the wedding.

- Grooms father actually told his son, he could still say no > the night before the wedding. This is usually the quietest, polite man ever

- Father of the bride is totally conrolled by his wife, and at one point cornered the sister of the groom and told her that his daughter is the spawn of the devil and he hates his wife.

- Bride's brother's toast in its entirety: "Chris (the groom), good luck"


There is more I can't remember right now, but needless to say she is a bitch, the groom is miserable, and we are sure as hell glad we didn't go to this wedding!!!!

[burundi]

Sounds like you dodged a hail of bullets there, Fat Chance.

Found out the groom told everyone in the family that the reason his bride got pregnant was "Because the condom broke" Yeah right. And who actually has these conversations with your family (parents, siblings, aunts, uncles)?
:eek: That's classy, all right.

[Ferret Herder]

Damn. That beats the wedding of a friend's cousin, where the minister felt the need to point out that even though the man is the head of the household and makes their decisions, he shouldn't actually beat her to enforce that.

(Edit: Pun not intended...)

[Kolga]

Wow, and I thought my S.C. relatives and friends were classless. I'm sure you and your girlfriend are glad you didn't spend the time, money, and energy trying to make it down.