A Poll for Married Dopers

[pseudotriton ruber ruber]

I’ll define “married” as being in a serious, committed monogamous relationship, doesn’t matter (to me) whether sanctified by clergy or state, so long as you and your SO have soberly expressed your intention to remain in this commitment for the remainder of your lives, and have been together in a committed relationship for at least one year. My poll asks this:

In your own private hearts of hearts (NOT what you profess aloud to your SO), do you feel closer to:

a) Positive that your relationship will remain in its current state, despite any pitfalls that may occur in the future, i.e., no matter what, you and your SO will stay committed and work out any problems
b) Fairly confident that your relationship will remain in its current state, while acknowledging that the future is fraught with peril and some unforeseen catastrophe could disrupt your relationship
c) Hopeful but by no means confident that your relationship will remain in its current state
d) Fearful that your relationship won’t remain in its current state, but willing to take your chances and try to make it work out
e) Doubtful that your relationship will endure the next few years: one or both of you is already looking for a way out

If you like, you can indicate some other particulars of your relationship, i.e., hetero- or homo, married or living together, ages, time together, etc. but mainly I’m looking for one-letter answers.

[Hal Briston]

If it hasn't fallen apart by now, it never will.

Solid "A".

[WhyNot]

B.

Hetero, open marriage, both in our 30's, married 8 years.

[susan]

A for me. My partner might say B, having had a previous divorce.

Lesbian/Bi, 10 years in committed partnership, getting legally married in Massachusetts later this summer.

[HongKongFooey]

We've been married 10 years, together 19 and have 3 kids. I feel very comfortable choosing 'a'.

[MovieMogul]

Ha! The Dope won't allow one-letter answers! That said:

B

[elbows]

I choose 'A'.

But only because my first, and most accurate choice, doesn't appear in the list. It would be;

"Confident that my current relationship, while wonderful, will continue to improve in myriad and unexpected ways."

Why doesn't "get better" appear on the list?

[Antinor01]

B. I would never claim to know what may happen in the future.

Gay, engaged, 33 and 27, together 7 years.

[Savannah]

B

Together 13 years, married 12, no kids, heterosexual.

[Sitnam]

b but fear c

[Phlosphr]

B

Relationships evolve. Marriages evolve. My wife and I are not the same people we were when we got married. Our lives have changed, careers, houses...Our love remains constant. We've even renewed our vows with different rings to signify a new beginning after a traumatic event some years ago. Not infidelity.

To me, infidelity means all bets are off.

[Rubystreak]

B, because I am a pessimist at heart and you just never know what curveballs life might throw at you. However, I feel that we are both in it for life.

36, straight, together 2 years, married for one, no kids

[WhyNot]

B. I would never claim to know what may happen in the future.

Word. I think not choosing A says more about my viewpoint on life (all is uncertain) than the strength of my marriage.

[Sarahfeena]

I would say A-, as I am pretty certain, but slightly superstitious about being overly confident about such things!

We are both 41, have been married 9 years and have 2 small children.

[Kayeby]

A

Together 8 years, getting married on Friday.

[Manda JO]

A, assuming we live. It's not just that my relationship is good (which it is) but that we are both pretty complacent people. Even if it got much less good, I don't see either of us shifting to a whole new paradigm.

[Kalhoun]

I'm a realist. I'll say B. Married 11 years, together 20.

He's 63 and I'm 52. I have one child, he has none.

[Monstera deliciosa]

B.

Hetero, married 5 years. I'm 48; it's my first marriage. He's 53; this is his second marriage.

[psycat90]

B.

Together 8 years, married 5. Hetero, 35 and 38. 5 kids total between us, though none together and none that currently live with us - ages 13 to 21. This is my first marriage and his third.

[Yeticus Rex]

B.

[dangermom]

I think one of us would have to become a very different person. Like, I have this friend who got a divorce because her husband became addicted to (legitimately prescribed) painkillers and now he's a drug addict, and nearly dying didn't stop him a bit. That would do it.

But on the whole, the difficulties and consequences of divorce are very offputting, and we have a very strong relationship that has only gotten better in the 12 years of marriage we've had.

So, 99% A. The odds of my husband becoming a totally different person aren't really all that high IMO.

[freckafree]

E.

Hetero, married 30 years, 49 and 62. If it weren't for our 13-y-o son, I'd have left a long time ago.

[silenus]

What Hal said.

Solid A. A+, even.

[burundi]

A

Married 5 years, together for 10

[PeskiPiksi]

B. Married for 5 1/2 years, together for 8.

I debated between A & B, but had to admit that you can't predict what life will send your way. That said, though, I totally expect us to grow old together barring some freak accident or illness.

[mnemosyne]

Somewhere between A and B, but for it to be B, as another poster said, one of us/life would have to change drastically.

[MadPansy64]

B

I never say never.

[Voyager]

A
Mid-50s, married 30 years.

[RTFirefly]

Solid A. We've been married 17 years, and we're going the distance.

[Contrary]

A. I was terrified to even start dating him since I'd gotten divorced after 16 years of marriage. But this is amazing and way beyond what I ever hoped or dreamed marriage could be. In fact, I had no idea marriage could be like this.

I am beyond blessed.

[Dr. Woo]

Ugh. E.

Hetero, married 15 years, together 19 years. I'm not happy; I assume he isn't either.

[Scarlett67]

A+

We both spent enough time as lonely square pegs, and appreciate each other enough for who we are, that the marriage absolutely comes first and we will do whatever is needed to preserve it. Life without each other is nothing.

I'm 41, he's 52, together 20 years, married 18, straight (duh).

[MsWhatsit]

A

Usually I never say never, but without being able to fully describe to anyone else why this is so, I can confidently say that my marriage is 100% solid and always will be.

Hetero, married for 7 years, lived in sin for 2 years prior to that, long distance relationship for 4 years prior to that. I'm 31, he's 43.

[Lissla Lissar]

A, although I don't think it will remain in its current state. I wouldn't want it to! It's always interesting and always changing, even when we're under stress. Hetero, married for five and a half years, together for nine or ten. Don't remember.

ETA: I'm 29, he's 28.

[stargazer]

Word. I think not choosing A says more about my viewpoint on life (all is uncertain) than the strength of my marriage.

I agree, which is why I choose "B."

[TroubleAgain]

A, after 15 years together, and getting better every day.

[Ludy]

I choose B only because I can't claim clairvoyance.

Together 5 years married 3 days.

[Infovore]

A.

Hetero, coming up on 20 years in January, early 40s.

[Ruffian]

A, baby. He's my absolute best friend, and I'm his. Makes the rough patches so much easier to smooth out. The "unforeseen catastrophe" in B is notable too, though...there are all kinds of hell that can happen that can alter who a person is, and how they relate. Still, that's a huge hypothetical; who knows what can happen, and who can predict how it will affect us? So maybe I, too, need to say A-.

FTR, I'm 35, hetero, married 7 years (together 10 years; been friends nearly 17 years), and we have a 2yro son.

[Duck Duck Goose]

A.

Hetero, first serious relationship for both of us, married 34 years with 3 kids, all of whom will be in college this fall.

He was gone for the last couple of weeks--first a letter carriers convention in Boston, then his 35th high school class reunion. And while he was gone, we apparently both came separately to the rather surprising conclusion that we are each other's best friend. Kind of startling, after spending the last 20+ years mired up to the armpits in Parenting and never really seeing the other person. But now the kids are grown, and there's time. So yeah, we don't see us splitting up, because where would we go? We're here, with Us.

[kniz]

A.

It has never been in doubt for the last 45 years! ;)

[E. Thorp]

Hetero. I'm 40, she's 31. Together 11 years, married 7.

I would be very surprised at anything other than A.

[Gary T]

A. MId 50's, married 23 years, no kids.

[conurepete]

C
D if he gets suicidal

[thirdwarning]

Married 27 years, three kids, looking at empty nest.

I would have said A, but the past two weeks or so have been interesting, to say the least, so now it's probably A- or A.3 or something like that. It'll straighten out soon, I think.

[NicePete]

A

20th anniversary coming up at the end of the month. We've stuck together through some very tough times so far. She's my best friend, I can't imagine not wanting to be with her.

[Bayard]

I'm a pessimist, and we have gone through a rough patch or two, so I say B. I'm just not comforatable saying "never". But, I am very happy (and I believe she is too), and I would be astonished if we didn't spend the rest of our lives together.

We're hetero, both ~35. Together 9 years, married 6, no young'uns.

[Jonathan Chance]

Solid A

We met freshman year in college. I was dating her roommate. Spring break we discovered we lived a mile from each other back home.

It's been more than 22 years and we're married 15 of those two weeks ago. We're pair bonded as strong as I've ever seen any couple. Mostly because we understand each other and the rest of the world appears to be constructed mostly of people who don't make sense and don't try.

[JpnDude]

Between A and B. We are very happy and confident in our marriage, but one never knows the future.

Hetero, inter-cultural, dated for 5 years, been married for 8 years.

[CairoCarol]

A, no question.

Hetero, married 26 years, ages 49 and 51.

[BaneSidhe]

"B" with a heavy leaning to "A" especially after the shit we had to live through when I had my breakdowns.

Hetero, married 14 years. no kids.

[TokyoBayer]

Male, 46. Married for 2+ years.

A. After what we've been together, we are commited to each other.

We decided early on to complete commit and to work on any issues which may come up.

[Cisco]

B, even though I think we're more solid than 99% of married couples.

You just never know what the future holds. A tragic event like the death of a child could potentially tear us apart (I have no idea that it actually would, but I'm using it as an example of something I've heard often unexpectedly ends in divorce.)

I feel like A but I think B is the realistic choice for everybody.

Both of us are 27, together 5 years, married 3.

[Queen Bruin]

A. If we made it through what we have already, we'll make it through anything that doesn't come from within. Hetero, me 27, him 36, living together 8 years and married for 4 of those.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

A.

18 years together. Almost 3 kids.

[Elendil's Heir]

A, very likely, but who can foresee the future? Straight, married almost 18 years (anniversary on Aug. 11), three wonderful sons. So far, so good! She's smart (PBK), beautiful, kind, tolerant, well-read and a talented cook. Same politics and religious views as me. We have a lot of shared interests but are also secure enough that each of us is cool with the other having different interests, too. She makes me happy and still turns me on; I do my best to return the favor. I'm a very lucky man.

[Renee]

B. It's great, but the past couple of years living overseas have been kind of rough. I probably would have said A before moving here, but I think B is more realistic.

[Avarie537]

Hetero, married 7 years, together almost 9. He's 35, I'm 27. Very solidly "A".

[Avarie537]

Missed my edit window ... I keep forgetting I had one of those "birthday" things back in May ... I'm 28.

[shiftless]

A - 20 years married - Don't we all come into it with the idea that this is an A?

Although, if she makes me late again, I'm downgrading us to a B. That'll show her.

[Dung Beetle]

I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to plan the weekend too much, in case we all die in a car crash before then. B.

I'm 38, he's 55, married two years. My two kids and one of his three live with us.

[divemaster]

"A"

Married 7 years; dated 3 years prior (2 of those long-distance). Me 39; her 45.

[Sigmagirl]

A. I'm a worrier, but A.

[Purgatory Creek]

I'd have to say B, only because "unforeseen circumstances" covers a lot of ground. For instance, if I experienced a psychotic break and became someone who was likely to cause him harm, I would hope Purgatory Man would have the sense to skedaddle, but given the relatively tame ups and downs of normal married life, we are unlikely to separate except by death.

We're both around 50, hetero, married 15 years, no spawn.

[Dinsdale]

Can I choose F: Other?

Hetero, married 22 years next week. 3 kids, youngest a senior in high school.
To say any "magic" has gone out of our marriage long ago would be an understatement. However, in many ways we make an excellent "team." There are some things we appreciate tremendously about each other, but many other things that drive each other nuts.

I am not sure to what extent we stay together out of convenience and habit. We plan on marketing our house next spring, but not looking to buy until (or if) it sells. When we have liquidated our house, and with the kids all going away to college, I anticipate there being some hard searching to determine whether or not we wish to establish one or two households from that point on.

Things aren't intolerable, but we both feel we have to put up with a lot of grief we shouldn't. And we both feel the others' criticisms of ourselves are either petty or unwarranted. So we are each going to really need to sit down and decide whether the benefits/pleasures we derive from staying together exceed the costs of separation.

Should be an interesting year!

[irishgirl]

A
26 & 27
Together 7 years, married almost 3.
No irishbabies as yet.

He's mine, I'm his, everything else in life is negotiable, that isn't.

[Brynda]

A, absolutely. Married 6 years, hetero, met here on the SDMB!

[Asimovian]

Somewhere between A and B. I keep thinking one day she's going to wake up and realize she can do better. ;)

Hetero, 33/31, married 9.5 years, together over 12 years.

[Tastes of Chocolate]

B (because "no matter what" covers a lot of ground) with a strong splash of "it's good now and will keep getting better.

hetero, living in sin for 16 years.

[pseudotriton ruber ruber]

Can I choose F: Other?
You can choose R, if you like, or W, but you sound like you're somewhere on the C-E continuum to me, though you haven't yet decided where on that continuum you stand, and only you can say.

[cmkeller]

Totally A. Married (in the traditional sense) for 13 years.

[Monstera deliciosa]

B.

Hetero, married 5 years. I'm 48; it's my first marriage. He's 53; this is his second marriage.

In light of all the "A" answers, I feel like I somehow have to defend my choice. I love my husband with all my heart; I'm sure he feels the same about me. And we are both committed to our marriage.

But I've just seen too much in my life to believe in "No Matter What, Under Any Circumstances" in regards to any human endeavor.

[norinew]

A, for a couple of reasons.
One, we have been together for more than 24 years, married for almost 20, have three kids (ages 21, 17 and 8) and love each other more than we did the day we took our vows.
Two, we said from the start we were in it for the long-run. Neither of us has changed opinions about that.
Three has to do with what one of my sisters always says. She and her partner have been together for 25 years. She says "Mary and I will never break up; we're both too lazy to pack up our shit and leave".

[Cisco]

I wonder how many members of the 50% of marriages that end in divorce would've said A at one point. I'm guessing pretty much all of them.

[Dinsdale]

You can choose R, if you like, or W, but you sound like you're somewhere on the C-E continuum to me, though you haven't yet decided where on that continuum you stand, and only you can say.

Fair enough. You made the rules. I guess what kept me from those categories was that I don't know if my mindset could accurately be described as "hopeful" or "fearful," and I'm not sure if my desire is for the relationship to stay in its current state. As sad as it may seem/be, I think our current mutual mindset might better be characterized as apathetic and convenient.

[Aangelica]

My heart is saying "A", but my brain is saying "B".

This would be because I could get hit by a bus tomorrow - or he could. It would take a major unforseen circumstance to throw our marriage in jeopardy, but the thing about unforseen circumstances is that they're, well, unforseen.

Life doesn't come with guarantees.

If I'm judging based solely on the stability of my marriage - it's A all the way. If I'm being asked to take the myriad "what if" scenarios possible* into account, I'm going with B.

Hetero, 33/32, married 3 years next month, together four. No kids yet.



*What if he's in a horrible accident and sustain brain damage sufficient to vegetablize him, but insufficient to kill him? What if I develop a drug addiction and refuse to admit it or seek treatment? What if one of us joins a cult and the other doesn't? The possibilities are limitless. It's just a lot of them are exceptionally unlikely. I'm able to imagine a number of scenarios that would lead to the demise of my marriage - it's just that, based on currently available data, those scenarios are vanishingly unlikely. Not impossible, just very, very unlikely.

[pravnik]

Capital A.

[CookingWithGas]

a

Although it's of course true that that the future is fraught with peril and some unforeseen catastrophe could disrupt your relationshipit is up to me and my wife, not the Fates, as to whether our marriage could survive such a disruption.

Sure, if I woke up one day to find that my wife was standing over me about to bring an ax down on my neck, that could shift the equation slightly, but we don't go through life thinking of so-bizarre-as-to-be-unthinkable scenarios, but those SBATBU scenarios do indeed happen. You have to go in committed, and then when the unthinkable happens deal with it, and one way to deal with it might be to break up, even though you never considered it a possibility before. My first marriage ended after my wife had an affair and then she would not drop it to work on our marriage, but it never occurred to me to add something to my wedding vows about "...'till death do us part, or if she commits adultery."

This doesn't mean that I'm not realistic about all the things that could happen, but the answer to this question is a test of attitude. You're either in it, or you're not.

(BTW, I'm a male married to a woman for 15 years, two kids 9 & 12.)

[What Exit?]

I guess an A/B or A- rating for me. We have been married for 16 and together for 17. We get along well enough and we still love each other and don't get on each other's nerves too much. She's put up with me this long, I believe she will continue to. ;)

[Asimovian]

I guess an A/B or A- rating for me. We have been married for 16 and together for 17. We get along well enough and we still love each other and don't get on each other's nerves too much. She's put up with me this long, I believe she will continue to. ;)Does she like baseball, at least? And if so, is she a Red Sox fan? ;)

[What Exit?]

Does she like baseball, at least? And if so, is she a Red Sox fan? ;)
She tolerates baseball and lightly roots for the Yanks, she hates football. I have to put up with being dragged to Disney every other year, so that evens out with the baseball games.

[panache45]

Gay, almost 21 years. 62 and 45.

He would say A.
I would say A minus.

Not that my commitment is less, but my insecurity is more. He's extremely charismatic, hot, and younger. Everybody (male and female) flirts with him, and he flirts back; it's just the way he is. We have discussed this at length over the years. I accept his flirting, and he accepts my insecurity.

[nashiitashii]

Somewhere between A and B, but for it to be B, as another poster said, one of us/life would have to change drastically.
More or less the same for me. With the exception of infidelity, persistent vegetative states and a severe change of a similar nature, we'd stick it out together. We've been through some rough financial times together, and it hasn't caused the relationship to sink. 99% A.

I'm in a hetero relationship, am 25, he's 28, and we've been together for over five years and are getting married next year.

[Suburban Plankton]

A. Without a doubt. We wouldn't have agreed to "'til death do us part" if there was any question on the matter.

[Walker in Eternity]

B, married for 9 years, together for twelve, two daughters.

I only picked B because you can never predict the future. I'd like to think A is possible.

[AngelicGemma]

B

We're both 23. Together for over 5 years and married for 3 months.

[monavis]

Was married 57 years ago in June. (Hetro) longer than a lot of dopers were on earth.

Monavis

[PunditLisa]

A

We're like peas and carrots.

Both of us are 42. Hetero. Married 19 years, together 22 years, 2 kids and a dog

[Eleanor of Aquitaine]

Close to an A. I can't imagine either of us getting along so well with anybody else. We've been married almost 15 years, two kids.

[Lanzy]

AAAAAAAAAA

37 years together!

[Shodan]

I guess I would go with A-, because of stuff like Alzheimer's. Chronic vegetative states are more like "death".

Male, hetero. I'm 52, she - isn't. Married 26 years. Our motto for marriageWe have never considered divorce. Murder, yes, divorce, no.
Regards.
Shodan

[dre2xl]

"A" without children, "C" with children.

[fervour]

A+B. If I have to choose one I'll go with A. It's the qualifiers that makes the choice difficult. They seem to be comparing things that are orders of magnitude different. In "A" the qualifier, "pitfalls", connotes things like loss of job, house fire, or tornado devastation. Whereas in "B" the wording implies fundamental changes in who the person is ---brain damage in which the person loses all ability to recognize his SO, disease which causes a personality change in which the SO is incapable of experiencing love, etc.

I wouldn't expect my SO to stay with me if my personality fundamentally altered and could not be re-adjusted. I don't think he would expect otherwise from me either. I'll ask when he gets back.

Specs: 42, gay, partnered for 11+ years, known him for 12+ years.

[Misnomer]

B.

I'm 36, he's 34; together for 1.5 years; living in sin for 2.5 months.

We're here, with Us.We sometimes refer to ourselves as "Us," too -- complete with the capital "U." :)

[chela]

Just for the record, i'll say B. :dubious:

[Walkabout]

I think I'd choose D, but I'd definitely word it differently. Maybe "Resigned to the fact that our marriage will stay the same, but maybe I'll finally take a chance and leave." We've been married for 26 years, but I don't think it's really been a real marriage for the past 20 years. If anyone ends it, it will be me.

[Rascal's Mom]

Not married now, but I was for 18 years, and for 18 years I knew it was E. I was in it for the long haul. He wasn't and I knew it from early on. Grass is always greener, ya know (to him).

[Monstera deliciosa]

Not married now, but I was for 18 years, and for 18 years I knew it was E. I was in it for the long haul. He wasn't and I knew it from early on. Grass is always greener, ya know (to him).

Don't feel like you're the only one. My husband's first marriage lasted for 18 years also, and according to him, it was bad almost from the start. (A "D" in this poll.) At first, it seemed fixable, and by the time he realized it wasn't (E), there were kids, so he stuck it out as long as he could.

[Rascal's Mom]

Don't feel like you're the only one. My husband's first marriage lasted for 18 years also, and according to him, it was bad almost from the start. (A "D" in this poll.) At first, it seemed fixable, and by the time he realized it wasn't (E), there were kids, so he stuck it out as long as he could.

It's a horrible, horrible existence.

[Interrobang!?]

B. I'd be very, very surprised if we weren't together for life, but my parents got divorced, my wife's parents got divorced, shit happens, and while that's not an outcome either of us is aiming for you don't always get what you want no matter how much you want it.

[Red Stilettos]

As much as I hate to admit it, I'm an E. We've been married for just over two years and the entire 2 years have been marred by alcoholism and loss of trust. I want this to be a successful marriage, but I have to acknowledge that it is unlikely to change. So, I'm looking for a way out.

Hetero. I'm 32, he's 33. Married 2 years.

[kunilou]

A. We survived three children and we have too much damn stuff to try and sort it out in a divorce.

[Rascal's Mom]

A. We survived three children and we have too much damn stuff to try and sort it out in a divorce.

Every single word about this post is too sad for words.

[HMS Irruncible]

Worked our way up from E to B in just 7 short years, now working on the A.

[PunditLisa]

Every single word about this post is too sad for words.

I thought he was being tongue-in-cheek. I could be wrong.

[Siege]

A.

I know we've only been married just over three months, but we did go through one major crisis before we got married. We also talked about this at length before we decided to get married. Our marriage comes first. We know that things change and sometimes things go horribly wrong and we don't know what lies ahead. During our premarital counseling, our priest brought up end-of-life issues such as Alzheimers, etc. We'd already discussed them -- I pointed out to her that, at our age, we're a bit closer to them than a lot of couples -- but I'm glad she asked us about them. I'm rather old-fashioned about marriage. For me, this is a life-long committment.

I'm female; we're both straight and in our mid 40s. We met 5 years ago Labor Day weekend.

[Rascal's Mom]

I thought he was being tongue-in-cheek. I could be wrong.

You could be right. If so, I apologize.