Discussion: An asexual woman

[DesertDog]

In this (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=480638) thread, astro asked the question "Do true asexuals exist who have NO sexual desires whatsoever?" I answered yes, I'm living with one. So as not to hijack that thread with further anecdota, I've started this one, instead. To quote my original post:Hell yes, they exist; I'm living with one. DesertRoomie is tagged Roomie (Not Lover, not Girlfriend, not Wife) for a reason: She is a 48 year-old virgin* who so far as I know, has never gone beyond a simple kiss. We have been living together for sixteen years, shortly after my wife died, and not once have I heard or seen her express any sexual desire for anyone or anything.

*She was raped at age 25, but that hardly counts, does it, now.

When we first started living together she had some guy tagging along that she was engaged to (no date set) yet I never saw her looking at him the way a fiancée should look at her intended. I believe she was going through the motions to please her parents. He moved from Nevada to San Diego to pursue a job, then six months later wrote a Dear Jane letter. She seemed more relieved than devastated and has not done anything remotely like that again in fifteen years. During one of the few times I was able to get her to talk about her feelings, she mentioned he kept talking about he was really looking forward to their wedding night, which gave her the heebie jeebies.

Two years after my wife died, right on schedule according to the mourning texts I have read, I looked at her one day and thought, "I could love this woman." Immediately after that was the thought, "She'll never return it," so I said and did nothing at the time. Three months later, after struggling with the feelings I had for her, I wrote a letter. In it I thanked her for being there when I was going through the darkest period in my life and she may well have kept me from suicide. Then I explained how somewhat to my surprise, I found myself in love again, with her. Commenting on her asexuality, I said how much it seemed a part of her, realized how much ingrained it was, and there was nothing I could do, or should do, to change it, but I was willing to do whatever it took, no matter how long it took, to help her change. I concluded with "The path lies before you if you wish to take it. I would be honored to show you the way."

I laid the letter, folded, on her desk as I left for work one morning and waited for her to comment -- waited for a month. Finally I asked if she had read the letter; she said yes. Then I asked if she had any thoughts about the letter; she said no. In one of the more ironical ponderings I've had about this relationship, such as it is, is that it's supposed to be the woman who wants to talk about feelings and the man who keeps his inside where it doesn't show. With us, it's the opposite. Off and on as the months and years passed by I would probe trying to get some idea of what was going on in her head or her heart. Each one was unsuccessful.

At one point she commented that tax-wise, it would be advantageous for us to be married. I just looked at her and said, "I'm far too romantic to marry someone for a tax break. If I marry someone it would because I love her, and I would expect that love to be expressed in its full, physical manifestation." That was the end of that.

Then, after nine years -- Christmas, 2003 to be exact -- we were at my brother's after Christmas dinner. I was on the couch watching some movie and she sat next to me. Filled with warm Christmas spirits (and a couple glasses of wine) for the first time in years I deliberately touched her, by putting an arm around her waist. After about five seconds, she drew away and chastened, I sat with my hands on my lap for the rest of the evening. When we were driving home that night, I asked if my arm around her had made her uncomfortable. "Yes," was her simple answer.

Something broke inside me. I concluded that, if after eleven years of living with me, nine years after knowing I had feelings for her, my touch made her uncomfortable, there was nothing that was going to change that. I set about crushing those feelings. It was quite a struggle for a while. I've been in love only a couple times in the past, and my love for them all is still there, even though they are long gone. With the object of my love around every day, it kept welling up again periodically. I would meditate, going back to that moment of "Yes" and mentally shred that spot of light, tamp it back into the ground. Quite a few sessions of meditation, and quite a few quarts of Jack Daniels later, I have been successful; I see DR simply as the person I am living with. We get along well enough -- I commented once that judging by the sounds we hear, especially on Saturday nights, we get along better than about 80% of our neighbors -- but there is not one shred of intimacy, physical or mental, in our relationship.

I have some theories about what might be going on in her head, but since I have no idea how accurate they might be, I'll not give them here. Besides, I've hijacked this thread enough and the theories have the smell of sour grapes about them. Suffice it to say, that yes, there are people about who have no interest in sex or intimacy; I live with one.DesertDog, that's a very sad story. Not to further hijack, but are you content with the way things are now, or do you wish for a full relationship with someone else?

I'd hate to see you treading water if that's not what you truly desire. And I'm sorry for your roommate...like I would be for someone blind since birth. They may have a full life, but there's a part of the human existence they will never experience.Content might be stretching it a bit; inured would be closer. My Buddhist tendency is to accept things the way they are or to put it another way, you play the hand you're dealt. Treading water beats drowning.

In order for me to have a relationship with another, she and I would have to part. Can you imagine me bringing someone home for some horizontal refreshment and having the new intended ask, "Who's that?"

"Oh, that's just the woman I've been living with for sixteen years. Don't pay her any mind; we're Just Friends. And don't pay any attention to the fact she can hear everything we do; she doesn't care." No sane woman would believe that.

The house we live in is in the "Dog" family trust. Her staying without me is not really an option; she would find paying market-rates for rent unaffordable. For reasons I have not gone into, I would not ask her to leave. To quote the letter I wrote five years ago, where I said I was giving up, "I can't imagine someone wanting to share this place with you; I can't imagine you wanting to share this place with someone else. Yet, I cannot ask you to leave; you have done nothing to warrant that." That is still true today.

Your analogy of someone blind with birth resonates with my own. On the one hand, you can't say she isn't leading a full life. On the other, there is a full part of her humanity she'll never experience.Gee DesertDog, that was a very interesting and illuminating story. I live a chaste life. Not asexual, but chaste. I do that for a variety of psychological and moral reasons, but I choose to do it. Further, I mostly enjoy my life. Sex would not make me happier.Well, as pointed out elsewhere, there is a difference between chastity and asexuality. I have been chaste since my wife's death and it has not been entirely involuntary. Hell, we lived in Carson City close to the county border. A two-mile drive and I could have had all the commercial nooky I could afford, legal and above-board. I never availed.

The Buddhist part of me believes that we spend this life to learn a lesson. If it is learned, we can move on, if not learned, it is repeated. I suspect my lesson is that carnality is not so important, after all.*She was raped at age 25, but that hardly counts, does it, now.On the contrary, it may count for everything. It seems to me that a fairly common technique that rape victims use to cope is to shut down their intimacy for a while. Maybe she just got stuck there, poor thing.My sentence was poorly put. When I said it hardly matters, I meant the state of her virginity. Rape is no more an act of love -- or even sex -- than robbery is an act of commerce. Of course it had a effect on her -- how could it not? But it was seven years in her past when I first met her, nine when I revealed my feelings toward her, twenty-three today. She has been as reluctant to talk about it as anything else even remotely connected with sex or intimacy, but I have been able to glean that he was an acquaintance and it was not a case of date-rape. She has directly told me she never dated in high school or college and when she was in her "fiancée" period it seemed to me she was merely going through the motions.

Realizing that being raped would surely put the knock on any feelings of trust she may have had, when I was wooing her I tried to reassure her that nothing would happen without her direct, stated willingness that it happen. It makes the whole relationship not very spontaneous, I said, but better that than risk dredging up any feelings of fear that might be lurking, until she knew within her heart that she could trust me. "No means no, even to my wife."

Again, she never answered. I don't think the spark of her sexuality was extinguished by the rape; I think it never flickered to life to begin with.

[SSG Schwartz]

I feel for you, man. I have a much higher sex drive than babygirl. I know that is not even close, but we do manage to survive. Read this thread (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=351192) about a lifetime of loveless sex or sexless love. I don't know if it will help, but at least you may see that you are not alone.

Dammit, where is MandaJo when you need her?

SSG Schwartz

[Bryan Ekers]

Dammit, where is MandaJo when you need her?
Out gettin' some.

[lavenderviolet]

I definitely can believe that some people out there just don't have a sex drive.
But the way you describe this woman, it sounds to me like she is uncomfortable talking much about intense emotions at all and has maintained her emotional distance from you even after all these years. To me, that would make me think she may very well have the same sexual urges as other people but that there is something psychological going on here that is keeping her from expressing such intense feelings.
Are you the only close friend she has? Do you know anything about what her family was like growing up?

[Kalhoun]

Maybe she's just not that into you.

I say that half-joking, but is it possible she just hasn't met the right person to bring out the sexual being in her? Or that she's scarred from the rape but still has feelings about sex that seem wrong in context?

Regarding your putting your arm around her and her recoiling. Do you ever have physical contact with her? I think a person can be asexual and still share friendly (even loving) embraces. Do you ever hug?

I know there are asexual people out there. I don't think I'd choose to live with one I was in love with, though. It's probably very uncomfortable for her to be the object of your desire, whether she's asexual or just not that into you.

[ivylass]

I can't imagine your relationship, just like I can't imagine being blind since birth. And I can't speak to your religious beliefs. But I would submit that maybe since you're questioning the ongoing relationship, maybe you've learned your lesson and are ready to "move on?" You say you won't ask her to leave for reasons you have not revealed. That's fine. But is she happy with the way things are? And since she is asexual, why would she care if you developed a sexual relationship with someone else?

[Silver Tyger]

Maybe she's just not that into you.

I say that half-joking, but is it possible she just hasn't met the right person to bring out the sexual being in her?

I'm just going to point out that sort of thinking is offensive to a lot of asexuals. It implies that their natural feelings are wrong - like saying a lesbian hasn't met the right man. I'm not saying you meant it that way, I'm pointing it out.

[WhyNot]

Have you asked her if she'd be okay with you sleeping with someone else? I don't mean hinted or suggested or joked, I mean outright asked her? If not, you're answering for her, and that's infantalizing and possibly counter-productive. For all you know, her answer might be a relieved, "Oh, god, yes! Please do, I've been feeling so guilty for the last 16 years that you have this need I can't fulfill! I'd love to see you happy and laid. Can I cook you two breakfast in the morning?"

I mean, maybe not. But maybe. It doesn't sound like you've given her any choice in the matter at all.

[threemae]

In order for me to have a relationship with another, she and I would have to part. Can you imagine me bringing someone home for some horizontal refreshment and having the new intended ask, "Who's that?"

"Oh, that's just the woman I've been living with for sixteen years. Don't pay her any mind; we're Just Friends. And don't pay any attention to the fact she can hear everything we do; she doesn't care." No sane woman would believe that.

The house we live in is in the "Dog" family trust. Her staying without me is not really an option; she would find paying market-rates for rent unaffordable. For reasons I have not gone into, I would not ask her to leave.

This is a completely unnecessary constraint on your part.

First off, although your relationship with this woman may be some hindrance in finding romantic partners, it's by no means a "deal-breaker" for a large portion of the population. It shrinks the pool, but so does your age, sex, race, income, religion, and taste in movies. It simply doesn't preclude you from developing a relationship in any meaningful way if you don't let it.

Exactly what you owe her is still unclear to me, but if you have a woman living in your house rent-free for over a decade that doesn't even like you, well, she can get over you developing an amorous relationship with someone else.

It seems like you've accepted that you'll never be with her, but you've got to really get past it and behave as if you have if you're ever going to be in a relationship again.

[Kalhoun]

I'm just going to point out that sort of thinking is offensive to a lot of asexuals. It implies that their natural feelings are wrong - like saying a lesbian hasn't met the right man. I'm not saying you meant it that way, I'm pointing it out.
He's assuming she's asexual. She hasn't classified herself as so from the information posted here. She may very well be uptight, uncomfortable, and unable to discuss it with him, and it may be because she doesn't look at him that way. We don't know.

[tdn]

This is a completely unnecessary constraint on your part.

Agreed. You've led a life of celibacy because of what someone you've never met might think about your roommate?

[phouka]

I have to say that, as a single woman interested in finding a romantic partner, having a roommate of the opposite sex is NOT a dealbreaker. Especially if she's asexual.

Don't close off possibilities you haven't given a chance to. You sound like a wonderful man, and there are a lot of women out there who would be delighted to find you.

[Zeriel]

From the Buddhist standpoint, I caution you against thinking you understand the reasons for this turn of the cycle -- it could just as easily be "can I overcome my reluctance to change in order to make my life more fulfilled by finding a love" as "carnality is not so important, after all".

Treading water is not swimming, after all, and sitting still and not improving is the antithesis of Buddhism, at least the Zen Buddhism I try to practice.

[Arnold Winkelried]

What is the Buddhist standpoint on sex? I was curious about this so I opened a new thread (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=480900) on the subject.

[lobotomyboy63]

OP, you seem to be so in control of yourself in a situation that would drive others batshit insane.

On the subject of asexuality, she could be masturbating. That's not a discredit to the OP---sex with any other person may be out of the question for her, but masturbation might be acceptable in her mind.

I think it's time you part. You've certainly given the relationship every chance to develop. And I'm afraid that by not pressing the issue, you've enabled her. If she was raped that long ago and hasn't come to terms with it, that's really tragic. But your patience and understanding allowed her to avoid confronting what needs to be addressed---for herself first and foremost, and for you if you are to be part of her life sexually.

The situation reminds me a bit of something I heard about eating disorders like anorexia. If you were addicted to heroin, the solution would be to quit and stay quit...but you need food to live so you have to eat, and that's much harder. Carnality may be like food in this analogy: true, many people over value it, abuse it, whatever: but denying yourself forever isn't the solution, either.

[The Great Sun Jester]

Just a question.

Can an asexual person simply be a psychopath who a) lacks the stereotypical sadistic streak and b) has an aversion to physical contact?

[Miller]

It does sound like she's asexual because she's trying very hard to avoid dealing with some sort of issue in her life. I mean, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being asexual, but she seems to have a lot of difficulty even talking about, even to someone she's lived with for sixteen years, even after that person has confessed to having feelings for her. When you left her that letter, for example, she should have at least talked to you about it, even if that talk was, "Sorry, no, never, not a chance in hell, I just don't want that out of life." Instead, she seemed to be pretending it never happened, which is, at the very least, grossly unfair to you. Which means she's either a big fat jerk, or there's some sort of emotional problem going on there.

Which, again, is not to say that all asexual people have an emotional problem. Just that the description of this particular person sounds like there's something bigger going on than just being asexual.

[River Hippie]

Is she passionate about anything? Hobbies, politics, art? Does she ever get pissed off at you about non-sex related things?

[lavenderviolet]

Just a question.

Can an asexual person simply be a psychopath who a) lacks the stereotypical sadistic streak and b) has an aversion to physical contact?
In psychiatry, there is a condition called Schizoid personality disorder (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid#Diagnostic_criteria_and_profile) that is characterized by (among other things) having no personal ties and not wanting/missing connections to other people.
That condition is considered distinctly different than what is known as a "psychopath", though. A psychopath implies someone who violates other people's rights without remorse - in contrast to the schizoid simply being indifferent to other people, not trying to hurt anyone.

[Alice The Goon]

This is heartbreaking. You have basically given up being loved by a woman for the rest of your life and having children if you wanted them, for this one woman who is so emotionally damaged that she can't love you back. I agree with Miller that she doesn't sound truly asexual, but more emotionally disturbed. On some level, I have to believe that, for your own reasons, you chose to do this. You chose to be in a long term unrequited relationship with an unavailable person, because... why did you do that, really? I'm not buying the "it's the Buddhist way" explanation.

If there is a deeper reason- say, a fear of abandonment caused you to become stuck in a relationship that poses no threat because really, there is no relationship- and you figure it out in your lifetime, are you going to be really pissed at yourself for having wasted all this time with her, not being loved back?

[eleanorigby]

I don't think she's asexual, but then I realized that I am not sure I'd recognize anyone who was. Low sex drive (which in and of itself is a pejorative statement, IMO), high sex drive, sexual difficulties--these I comprehend and recognize (most people will volunteer this info, given enough trust within the relationship).

So, what does an asexual person "look" like? Again, I'm not sure, but her responses to you and her behavior over the years (and I boggle at the years) make me think psychological issues. I would think that an asexual person would be more open about it (to a trusted person) and less protective of self. Just my thoughts; I could be completely out of line.

I agree with WhyNot and others up thread--I think you're protecting her for some unstated reason, i.e. enabling and infantilizing her. IMO, you are just as comfy as she is in this detente of a relationship. Something to think about.

[lobotomyboy63]

On some level, I have to believe that, for your own reasons, you chose to do this. You chose to be in a long term unrequited relationship with an unavailable person, because... why did you do that, really? I'm not buying the "it's the Buddhist way" explanation.

If there is a deeper reason- say, a fear of abandonment caused you to become stuck in a relationship that poses no threat because really, there is no relationship- and you figure it out in your lifetime, are you going to be really pissed at yourself for having wasted all this time with her, not being loved back?

This bothered me too. I think some factors are:
1) he feels she rescued him from suicide
2) he promised to wait as long as it took
3) possibly he's equating her with his deceased wife, since she's the first one he's allowed into his life since he became widowed.
4) the Buddhist part goes with #2

The part about him being hurt when he put his arm around he and she withdrew seems to verify that he really does want more of a physical relationship with her.

[Silver Tyger]

So, what does an asexual person "look" like? Again, I'm not sure, but her responses to you and her behavior over the years (and I boggle at the years) make me think psychological issues. I would think that an asexual person would be more open about it (to a trusted person) and less protective of self. Just my thoughts; I could be completely out of line.

Hi! They look like me. Seriously, an asexual person is just one that has no interest in sex.

Honestly, this woman sounds like she has a problem, not because of the asexuality, but because of the being uncomfortable talking about feelings and with normal physical contact. I think you're a very strong person, DesertDog, for being there for her.

[DesertDog]

I definitely can believe that some people out there just don't have a sex drive.
But the way you describe this woman, it sounds to me like she is uncomfortable talking much about intense emotions at all and has maintained her emotional distance from you even after all these years. To me, that would make me think she may very well have the same sexual urges as other people but that there is something psychological going on here that is keeping her from expressing such intense feelings.
Are you the only close friend she has? Do you know anything about what her family was like growing up?That is a possibility. This has been entirely from observation, since our discussions have been few and far in between, and not very productive, but it seems to me that she takes the safe choice. She knew Steve, the guy she was affianced to, via correspondence of some sort and thought he was a pretty cool guy. All of a sudden -- bamf -- he was in town and proposing. She accepted it, telling me later it was as much to please her parents, who were getting worried about their thirty-year-old unmarried daughter, as for any feelings she had for him. As soon as he was not only available, but there she grew ambivalent. Steve was frustrated, telling me at one point, "I don't know if she loves me or not." I had to tell him that I didn't know if she could love anyone. This was about a year after we'd started living together, before I had declared anything, so I did not see him as a rival. Some months later, his job was up, he disappeared to San Diego, and as I said, wrote a breaking off letter. Nothing's been as close since then. If she's repressing any sexual urges, she's doing a remarkable job.

I've seen her parents when they were living -- her father is dead now -- and they were a couple of cold fish. It has occurred to me that she never saw what love was like when she was growing up. Her older brother and younger sister both married, though.Maybe she's just not that into you.

I say that half-joking, but is it possible she just hasn't met the right person to bring out the sexual being in her? Or that she's scarred from the rape but still has feelings about sex that seem wrong in context?That's certainly a possibility. God knows, the women who have been able to resist my Woody Allen-esque charms are a legion. When I was wooing her, I offered seeing a counselor together. "I think about sex too much," I joked, "You think about sex too little. Between us we ought to get it about right." She refused.Regarding your putting your arm around her and her recoiling. Do you ever have physical contact with her? I think a person can be asexual and still share friendly (even loving) embraces. Do you ever hug?Only at the airport when one or the other of us is going somewhere. When we get with my brother and SIL she hugs them, your basic momentary, A-frame, minimal contact hug.

Among my other lives I am a massage therapist -- or was until I got crippled up. A year or so after we met she was complaining of a sore back. With some reluctance, she agreed. She remained dressed, which is not that unusual; I worked round her clothing and when I was done, quizzed her. "Did that feel good?" Yes. "Did you like the way you felt?" Yes. "Did you feel uncomfortable or threatened by my touch?" No. "Well, I don't want to put pressure on you. I am always available; the next time you want another massage, just ask." Fifteen years later she hasn't asked yet.But is she happy with the way things are? And since she is asexual, why would she care if you developed a sexual relationship with someone else?On the surface at least, she's happy; I think I provide the amount of companionship she wants. We've been focusing on the negative side of the relationship here. She is a pleasant person to be around and we do have a lot in common. She's taught me a lot about things -- especially about critters and I think I've taught her about some things as well. I think she's happier now than when we met. In that first letter I wrote her confessing my feelings, I said that the first time I saw her, I thought, "What an attractive girl; I wonder why her eyes are so sad." Her eyes aren't so sad, now.

It's not whether she might object to my having sex with someone else -- one night stand or a permanent relationship -- that is the problem. If she did I would point out bluntly that she is not my wife, she is not my lover, she is not my girlfriend; she has no input on the matter. It's one of the advantages about not loving her any more. The problem is the size of the place we're living in. It was listed at 1,000 square feet, but I think the Realtor was exaggerating a little. In it are DR, me, three salukis, one anatolian, a couple snakes and one big goldfish. It's pretty cozy and the way it's laid out, doesn't offer much in the way of privacy. Were I to bring someone here, I would need to be sure she understood this.Is she passionate about anything? Hobbies, politics, art? Does she ever get pissed off at you about non-sex related things?Of course she gets pissed off now and then; what woman doesn't of her husband, even a quasi-husband such as I. To quote Ursula LeGuin in Gwilan's Harp "The two of them were gentle with each other. Not that they lived together thirty years without some quarrelling. Two rocks sitting side by side would get sick of each other in thirty years, and who knows what they say now and then when nobody's listening." To truly hate something or someone, you have to care about them. No passion, no hate. Our quarrels last a few minutes and then are forgotten.

And she has interests aplenty. It wasn't not like we spent our non-working hours with me wishing I was jumping her bones and her fending me off. She sketches well, dabbles in acrylics, and reads incessantly. Her big passion is animals, dogs and horses for the main part but 'most everything out there. She is owner of the above mentioned critters, except that she talked me into being co-owner of one of the salukis. Moving from Carson City to here was my doing (with some pangs of guilt) and we had to give up a couple horses when we did so. She's been casting about for some time about how get one here, without success so far.In psychiatry, there is a condition called Schizoid personality disorder that is characterized by (among other things) having no personal ties and not wanting/missing connections to other people.Interesting link, violet. As a strictly amateur assessment, she does have four of the DSM-IV patterns. She is somewhat estranged from her own family and has told me how much she enjoys being with mine. She was sadder at my father's passing than her own. I pointed out that they would probably feel closer to a wife, than a live-in partner; it didn't work.This is heartbreaking. You have basically given up being loved by a woman for the rest of your life and having children if you wanted them, for this one woman who is so emotionally damaged that she can't love you back.Well, the children part is a non-issue; I had myself clipped some 25 years back shortly after my second nephew was born. When I married DesertWife at age 36, her thirteen-year-old daughter was part of the package. She was a good kid (still is) but there were times I wondered if I'd really known what I was getting into. At age 58 a having a kid would be insane. Didn't keep me from wishing for a whole loaf rather than half.I have to believe that, for your own reasons, you chose to do this. You chose to be in a long term unrequited relationship with an unavailable person . . .

If there is a deeper reason- say, a fear of abandonment caused you to become stuck in a relationship that poses no threat because really, there is no relationship- and you figure it out in your lifetime, are you going to be really pissed at yourself for having wasted all this time with her, not being loved back?I can't argue with any of that. When I married DW I thought I would be happy for the rest of my life, and I was for the six years I had her. When I was still in mourning about her death, I asked a good friend who had known us before and after we were married, whether I was putting her on a pedestal. He replied no. "I've seen married couples," he said (as a confirmed bachelor), "I've seen happily married couples, but what you had with her was something beyond that. I was jealous when I saw you together." After she died, the main thought that kept cycling through my head was Nothing Lasts. Well, this -- such as it is -- has lasted. Perhaps my crushing that need for her was the first step on moving on from it.Honestly, this woman sounds like she has a problem, not because of the asexuality, but because of the being uncomfortable talking about feelings and with normal physical contact. I think you're a very strong person, DesertDog, for being there for her.Thank you, STG, and yes, I would say the asexuality is a manifestation of her discomfort of intimacy. I think we'll never know for sure.

[Alice The Goon]

I'd like to think that it's noble and romantic to give up experiencing any other love, and sex, for 16 years (or the rest of your life) for one woman, even though you could never have her, but I really think that it's too much for her to have (albeit silently) asked of you.

Are you happy that you've spent all this time as a platonic husband? Will you reach the end of your life content with the choices that you've made? If so, then I can't condemn you, but gah... has it really been 16 years since you had sex, and you're okay with that? That's a choice that you've made for her? My mind is boggling over this. And where can I find a platonic husband- sounds pretty handy at times.

[Kalhoun]

I agree with Alice. If you don't feel you're lacking anything in your life, then maybe this platonic thing is good for the two of you. However, I sense that you will (maybe you already DO) regret the lack of intimacy (both emotional and physical) with your roomie. You can care about her, but you have the right to your own happiness. If she cannot tolerate seeing you in a relationship, she has options and should exercise them. The way I see it, you are doing her a huge favor by continuing to allow her to live with you for free.

What does she do for a living?

[ivylass]

And by the way, you don't have to have sex at your house. It could be her house or a hotel room.

Zeriel raised some interesting points from the Buddhist aspect. Have you thought about them?

I do believe you're content and she's happy. But is this truly the way you want to be for the rest of your life?

[DesertDog]

And where can I find a platonic husband- sounds pretty handy at times.Do you mean to supplant a more conventional husband, or in place of one? Find one whose libido doesn't burn too bright, I suppose.
About six months after we were married, out of the blue one of DW's closest friends asked permission for a terribly nosy question. When I said to ask away, I could always refuse to answer, she blurted out "How often do you 'do it?'"

I had to think about that one and said anywhere from twice a day to twice a month, but those extremes were rare, then finally settled on three or four times a week, mostly. "Oh," she said and went on to something else. When I later asked DW what that was all about, she replied, "Oh, she's lucky if she gets it twice a year. [Husband] loves her but just isn't that interested." It never occurred to me that I might wind up in a similar circumstance.If she cannot tolerate seeing you in a relationship, she has options and should exercise them. The way I see it, you are doing her a huge favor by continuing to allow her to live with you for free.

What does she do for a living?That would be exactly what I would tell her, should it come to that. One of the advantages of not being in love with her any more.

She's not living for free, exactly. The house, like I said, belongs to the "Dog" family trust. I'm paying what amounts to rent into the trust, administered by my brother who's a lot more money savvy than I am. When I'm in my dotage, I'll be drawing a stipend from the fund, so the 'rent' is more of an investment in the future. Meantime, she's paying the power bill, which can be substantial in the summer. That way she can crank the thermostat where she's comfortable without my wincing. This, naturally, does not allow her any access to the trust. I pay the water (insignificant), phones (ditto) and internet access (more but still meh). If we ever get cable, she'll pay that, since she watches TV more than I do.

She's now an assistant manager at a convenience store/gas station chain (Valero if you've heard of it). Like assistant manager at a bank, it's all title without as much money as you'd think. Managers earn a good amount and also get some profit sharing (along with a hefty increase in hours worked) and they've been grooming her for such. Her income took a bit hit when we came here, and it's taken her a while to work up to where she is now, though.And by the way, you don't have to have sex at your house. It could be her house or a hotel room.

Zeriel raised some interesting points from the Buddhist aspect. Have you thought about them?

I do believe you're content and she's happy. But is this truly the way you want to be for the rest of your life?Of course, but I hope I would be honest enough to bring that up in the Full Disclosure part of a blossoming relationship. Unlike the stereotypic male, Ive never been interested in sex for its own sake. I've cared very deeply for the few partners I've had.

I would be embarrassed to say that I am a Buddhist -- that's I said 'Buddhist tendencies' in my OP. The more I study up on it, though, the more the Theravada (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theravada) sect (school, whatever) mirrors my own internalizations.In Theravada, the cause of human existence and suffering (dukkha) is identified as the craving (tanha), which carried with it the defilements (which are anger, ill will, aversion, greed, jealousy, conceit, hatred, fear, sensual desire, obsession, passion, irritation, distraction, vengeance, depression, anxiety, clinging to the body, etc.). The defilements level can be coarse, medium, and subtle. It is a phenomenon that frequently arises, remains temporarily and then vanishes. The defilements are said to be not only harming oneself, they may also harm others. They are also said to be the driving force behind all inhumanities a human being can commit.I'm having to make my own way as there are no Theravada centers locally.

Will this phase last the rest of my life? time will tell.

Silver Tyger Girl, since you are asexual without the bent part, can I ask a question: Do you have erotic dreams? I vaguely remember the wet dreams I had long ago before I discovered masturbation. I have them (erotic, not wet) occasionally now, although not as often as you might expect from these posts. Oddly enough, only rarely do they involve someone I know (past lovers, DW, or DR) and are mostly an anonymous 'female.' Happily asexual when you're awake, does your Id have its own ideas when you're asleep?

[Silver Tyger]

Silver Tyger Girl, since you are asexual without the bent part, can I ask a question: Do you have erotic dreams?

Formerly asexual anyway. I had a few. I hardly have any now. I masturbate a lot more than I did then and now it actually involves thinking about guys (rather than just it feels good and helps me fall asleep faster).

Have you checked out the AVEN forums? (http://www.asexuality.org/home/) You might be able to get better advice from a whole host of asexuals, especially since you don't seem to be judgmental sort.

[Alice The Goon]

There is no such thing as formerly asexual. Asexual means that you are not attracted to anyone- not the opposite sex and not your own sex. And you never will be. It's like being heterosexual or homosexual- you are born like that, and you will always be like that. A truly asexual person does not desire sex. Period.

[WhyNot]

There is no such thing as formerly asexual. Asexual means that you are not attracted to anyone- not the opposite sex and not your own sex. And you never will be. It's like being heterosexual or homosexual- you are born like that, and you will always be like that. A truly asexual person does not desire sex. Period.
Kinsey disagreed with you, for what it's worth. His scale of hetero to homo (which included a rating of "x" for asexual) was only valid for a "period" of one's life. You could score a 3 during college and a 6 in your 30s. I know that's out of fashion now, but seems more reflective of people's truly fluid sexual natures. That's not to say that you can willingly change your orientation during any one period, but I've observed that something (hormones? chemicals in the environment? personal maturation?) has certainly shifted my sexual orientation at various periods in my life, and I see no reason why I should be unique in that.

[Silver Tyger]

There is no such thing as formerly asexual. Asexual means that you are not attracted to anyone- not the opposite sex and not your own sex. And you never will be. It's like being heterosexual or homosexual- you are born like that, and you will always be like that. A truly asexual person does not desire sex. Period.

So I DON'T want to have sex now? Really? And when I didn't want to have sex I didn't find men attractive? What about all those other people on AVEN who find a certain sex attractive? They aren't asexual either?

I'm sorry, but you're wrong.

[Alice The Goon]

From the AVEN website: An asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction.

I don't know if you want to have sex or not- I'm just saying, if you're calling yourself 'asexual', it automatically implies that you don't. You can label yourself, or not- doesn't matter to me and no harm to your feelings was meant. But by definition, an asexual person does not want to have sex.

[The Great Sun Jester]

In psychiatry, there is a condition called Schizoid personality disorder (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid#Diagnostic_criteria_and_profile) that is characterized by (among other things) having no personal ties and not wanting/missing connections to other people.
That condition is considered distinctly different than what is known as a "psychopath", though. A psychopath implies someone who violates other people's rights without remorse - in contrast to the schizoid simply being indifferent to other people, not trying to hurt anyone.Thank you for this post.