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pbbth
09-17-2008, 08:39 PM
Talk like a pirate day is coming up and I need some piratey jokes to go along with my occasional "ARRRH" and "matey".

[pirate voice]So come on, out with the jokes you scurvy dogs! Don't make me force you to walk to plank! ARRRH![/pirate voice]

Acid Lamp
09-17-2008, 08:45 PM
Why are Pirates so mean and cruel?

They just ARRRRRRR..........




(Ducks and Runs)

Simplicio
09-17-2008, 08:46 PM
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel strapped to his crotch. The bartender asks him "What the hell is that for!!?". The pirate turns to him and answers: "Yarrr...its driving me nuts!"

lobotomyboy63
09-17-2008, 08:52 PM
In case you hadn't already found it:

http://www.talklikeapirate.com/

IIRC the #1 pickup line for a man to use is: "Prepare to be boarded!"

GIGObuster
09-17-2008, 08:58 PM
Obligatory link to the ergonomic keyboard for pirates:

http://www.ahajokes.com/crt883.html

Ferret Herder
09-17-2008, 08:59 PM
Piratey tune (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqvA5IyfSSQ), basically NSFW, with World of Warcraft animation.

Linty Fresh
09-17-2008, 09:00 PM
Did you hear about the Polish pirate?

He had a patch over both eyes.

What do a pirate and pimp have in common?

They both say "Yo ho"

lobotomyboy63
09-17-2008, 09:02 PM
Pirate-related news from FSM:

You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s.

Scroll down for graph.

http://www.venganza.org/about/open-letter/

lobotomyboy63
09-17-2008, 09:08 PM
Pirate jokes:

http://www.piratejokes.net/jokes

Great Fedex pirate commercial:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F31P0_kgEic

blondebear
09-17-2008, 09:11 PM
Q: What is a pirate's least favorite monkee?

A: Davy Jones

Sunrazor
09-17-2008, 09:15 PM
Newspaperman interviewing a pirate captain: "So, Captain, I see you have a hook instead of a hand. When did that happen?"
Captain: "Two years ago, whilst boardin' a frigate outta Jamaica. The smoke got in me eyes, I didn't see the enemy's saber an', well, you see the result!"
Newspaperman: "I see. And when did you get the patch over your eye?"
Captain: "The day after I got the hook! I was wipin' the smoke outta' me eyes 'cuz I dinna' want to lose another hand!"

Captain Carrot
09-17-2008, 10:14 PM
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel strapped to his crotch. The bartender asks him "What the hell is that for!!?". The pirate turns to him and answers: "Yarrr...its driving me nuts!"Dammit, I came in here just to post that punchline!

BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed
09-17-2008, 10:56 PM
Why couldn't the little pirate see the movie?

Because it was rated ARRRRRRR!!!!

Santo Rugger
09-17-2008, 11:00 PM
Blackbeard was called to the deck because his deckhand saw a ship on the horizon. As he peered through the telescope, he realized it was going to be quite the battle, there were actually two hostile ships.

"Arrrr, mate, bring me my red shirt!" he ordered. When his red shirt arrived, his deckhand asked why he asked for his read shirt. "Arrrr, if I get wounded in battle, I don't want me men to see me blood."

As the Captain looked into the scope again, he now saw three hostile ships full steam towards his crew. "Arrrr, mate! Bring me my brown pants!"

Der Trihs
09-17-2008, 11:05 PM
"Why'd I become a pirate, you ask ? Well, I used to be a proctologist, but losin' the hand and gettin' the hook really hurt me practice, arrr . . . "

ShermanAter
09-17-2008, 11:26 PM
I had a little boy stop by the house last Halloween. I opened the door and was greeted with "arrrrr trick'er treat you scurvy dawg"

I was taken aback as this little feller couldn't have been over six years old and was dressed all in black. He had a double ender hat with the scull and crossbones, a drawn on mustache, hook on one hand, earring and a real looking sword.

So, I asked him "What are you supposed to be?"
"I'm a Birate" he replies.
"A Birate?" I ask.
He rolled his eyes and answered "Yes, I'm a Birate, trick'er treat ya scurvy dawg?"
Trying hard to keep a straight face I asked " If you're a Birate, just where are your Buccaneers?"
And he said...





wait for it

He said ''They're under me Buckin' hat!""

Satellite^Guy
09-17-2008, 11:39 PM
Q: Why do all pirates have eyepatches?






A: Chuck Norris.

S^G

Ethilrist
09-18-2008, 08:48 AM
Similar to collecting scalps, early bounty hunters were sent out to kill pirates and bring back proof.

They were paid a buck an ear.

Flander
09-18-2008, 11:42 AM
Q: Why do all pirates have eyepatches?






A: Chuck Norris.

S^G


Bravo.

Mtgman
09-18-2008, 12:00 PM
Pirate jokes:

http://www.piratejokes.net/jokesThey have some good ones there. Here are a couple of my favorites from there(also highly rated on their site).

How do pirates know that they are pirates?
They think, therefore they ARRRR!!!!!

Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they can spend years at C!

What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no booty!

A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.

The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"

"Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"

What does a Dyslexic Pirate Say?
RRAAAAAAAAAAA!

What does a bleached blonde and a pirate have in common?
A little black patch.

What does a pirate say when he has a heart attack?
Arrr! Me heartie!

Enjoy,
Steven

nd_n8
09-18-2008, 12:26 PM
And my daughters favorite joke from TLAP day a few years ago:

Where do pirates like to eat?

Arrrr...bees.

Sunspace
09-18-2008, 12:37 PM
Obligatory link to the lyrics of The Last Saskatchewan Pirate (http://www.guntheranderson.com/v/data/lastsask.htm). :D

justrob
09-18-2008, 12:41 PM
Why do pirates say Arrrrrr?


Because Kkkkkkk doesn't sound very menacing.

rucciface
09-18-2008, 12:53 PM
How much did the pirate's peg-leg and hook cost?
An arm and a leg.

Why was the pirate movie rated R?
Because of all the booty.

zamboniracer
09-18-2008, 01:41 PM
Obligatory link to the lyrics of The Last Saskatchewan Pirate (http://www.guntheranderson.com/v/data/lastsask.htm). :D

Thank you so much for posting this classic! I'd never heard of this gem before and needed a good laugh! :D:D

Autolycus
09-18-2008, 01:46 PM
Why do pirates say Arrrrrr?


Because Kkkkkkk doesn't sound very menacing.

Unless you're in the Bay of Japan or playing Starcraft.

Caveat lector
09-18-2008, 02:40 PM
What kind of socks do pirates wear?

Arrrrgyle.

SpecialAgentJem
09-18-2008, 03:01 PM
Why are pirates called pirates?

Cuz they yarrrr!




wheres the little pirate smiley face icon when you need it?! :D

ivan astikov
09-18-2008, 03:11 PM
What did Black Beard say to his men before they got on the ship?

Let's get on the ship, men!

lobotomyboy63
09-18-2008, 04:08 PM
From http://www.talklikeapirate.com/links.html#translators

[Fabricating here a bit...you work out the details]

How do you know if a pirate is high tech?
He has an aye-phone.

From: http://www.piratetreasure.org/pirate-jokes.htm

Where do pirates find their birds? Parrots Without Partners.

Where do pirates get chocolate? Carob bean

What kind of look does a pirate give right before walking off the ship? Plank stare.

There are name generators out there of course. One I found last year also allowed you to name your "ship," i.e., car. Mine came out "Fearful strumpet of the Caribbean."

Scuba_Ben
09-18-2008, 08:46 PM
They have some good ones there. Here are a couple of my favorites from there(also highly rated on their site).


A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.

The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"

"Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"

This one, sir, was a major groaner. I'll have to try it tomorrow!

Rick
09-18-2008, 09:21 PM
What kind of car does a pirate drive?
A Toyota Yarrrrris.

blondebear
09-18-2008, 09:32 PM
Why do pirates store lumber at the south pole?

Because it shivers their timbers, matey!

DesertDog
09-19-2008, 12:12 AM
Not a joke, really, but how about this call of a race at Saratoga, won by Arrrrr (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eI2ZZXv_5Kc)?

BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed
09-19-2008, 12:45 AM
What does a pirate say when he has a heart attack?
Arrr! Me heartie!

I always liked this one as "Arrrg, me arteries!"


Unless you're in the Bay of Japan or playing Starcraft.
I don't get it. Do the Japanese say kkkkkkk? Maybe it's only in advanced Japanese that I haven't yet studied where nihonjin start to sound like the Zerg.

Askance
09-19-2008, 01:09 AM
Say, Cap'n, why d'ye have that cat on yer shoulder?

Arrrr, it ate the parrrrrot!


The ultimate pirate song is Roger McGuinn's Jolly Roger (http://www.lyricstime.com/roger-mcguinn-jolly-roger-lyrics.html)

cmyk
09-19-2008, 01:16 AM
I had a little boy stop by the house last Halloween. I opened the door and was greeted with "arrrrr trick'er treat you scurvy dawg"

I was taken aback as this little feller couldn't have been over six years old and was dressed all in black. He had a double ender hat with the scull and crossbones, a drawn on mustache, hook on one hand, earring and a real looking sword.

So, I asked him "What are you supposed to be?"
"I'm a Birate" he replies.
"A Birate?" I ask.
He rolled his eyes and answered "Yes, I'm a Birate, trick'er treat ya scurvy dawg?"
Trying hard to keep a straight face I asked " If you're a Birate, just where are your Buccaneers?"
And he said...





wait for it

He said ''They're under me Buckin' hat!""

I've always loved that one, but the punchline I learned was:

"Thar on the side'a me head, where's yer buckin' eyes?!"

Autolycus
09-19-2008, 01:49 AM
I don't get it. Do the Japanese say kkkkkkk? Maybe it's only in advanced Japanese that I haven't yet studied where nihonjin start to sound like the Zerg.

It was a bad joke really. Koreans play lots of Starcraft and their online laugh is 'kekekekeke' which sorta sounds like 'kkkkk.'

outlierrn
09-19-2008, 02:09 AM
Where do pirates go to school?
HARRvard

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