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jujuju
11-25-2008, 10:26 AM
What do you do when you are involved with someone who is batshit crazy? He's got me with blackmail, as i am not a perfect person.

Sometimes a 22 looks good.

AGGGGGGTGG\
\\\


I just wish i could hurt something or well i guess i don't but damn........... what are you supposed to do when you can't do anything. Damn, i just want to make it through Thanksgiving, but now i am not even sure i can do taht.l.lhitfgvbb




sometimes i wish i was never born....

Dervorin
11-25-2008, 10:28 AM
Errr.... you have my sympathies, and I understand that this might just be an incoherent rant because you want to rant incoherently, but a little fleshing out of the story might be no bad thing.

Incidentally, I'm very confused about the appearance of a small string of DNA in the middle of your rant - not sure what that is.

My (probably totally useless) advice would be: why are you still involved who is, by your own admission, batshit insane?

catsix
11-25-2008, 10:31 AM
Something tells me that making thinly veiled threats about shooting a man shouldn't be acceptable around here.

Also, why don't you explain what your problem with this particular man seems to be, rather than claiming that men in general suck?

Cluricaun
11-25-2008, 10:32 AM
Depends on what the blackmail is. Nude photos? Meh, lesson learned. Evidence of a federal crime involving a flame thrower? You're fucked.

Gatopescado
11-25-2008, 10:32 AM
You can always do something.

Scumpup
11-25-2008, 10:40 AM
Something tells me that making thinly veiled threats about shooting a man shouldn't be acceptable around here.

Also, why don't you explain what your problem with this particular man seems to be, rather than claiming that men in general suck?

It read to me more like the writer was thinking of suicide.

Rhythmdvl
11-25-2008, 10:42 AM
Incidentally, I'm very confused about the appearance of a small string of DNA in the middle of your rant - not sure what that is.

No no no, it's "Aaaaauuuugggghhhh" from the back of the throat.

dropzone
11-25-2008, 10:43 AM
Something tells me that making thinly veiled threats about shooting a man shouldn't be acceptable around here.I don't think the .22 was necessarily intended for him. For one thing, it ain't exactly a manstopper, but accurately placed to the temple...but let's not think of these things. :eek:

So let's work on extracting yourself from this in a less messy manner.

jujuju
11-25-2008, 10:44 AM
The 22 was a threat against myself, not him, i couldn't hert a fly. I put it in mini rants, but he has more than once put me out, out of the car in the middle of the okeefenokee swamp (they have alligators), screwed the door shut of the house, and most recently, broken into my Dad's house and taken my phone and pushed me to the floor and stomped on my phone because that is the only place I have to go now, and now I can't even go there.

What is it with men? How do they know to get your phone first?

That's the first time he hit me, and the last. The blackmail is just a probation violation, nothing serious, just enough for him to hold over my head.

corkboard
11-25-2008, 10:45 AM
Yeah, but women swallow.



Mmmmmmm....... swallow.

Ensign Edison
11-25-2008, 10:46 AM
You should never submit to blackmail unless the consequences of your secret being revealed would be worse than being under the thumb of someone who can make increasingly onerous demands in exchange for his silence for the rest of your life. If it's merely embarrassing on a personal level, you might find your life is ultimately better if you just tell whoever it is you're worried about finding out your own self. Be sure that whatever he's demanding now, he will demand twice as much next time. And if he can hold it over you, others could as well. Better to rid yourself of the toxic secret that put you in this position by bringing it into the light, if at all possible. On preview I see it's probation violation, and I would say, turn yourself in. It's better to have a set sentence with limitations than to have a crazy person holding a sword over you.

Caricci
11-25-2008, 10:47 AM
That's the first time he hit me, and the last. The blackmail is just a probation violation, nothing serious, just enough for him to hold over my head.

Honey, it sounds like you'd be better off back in jail - safer anyway.

dropzone
11-25-2008, 10:49 AM
A measly little PROBATION VIOLATION? Is THAT all? Feh. Turn yourself in first and they'll be easier on you than if he turns you in. Even with jail time you're away from him and it gives you time to talk to somebody, counsellor or chaplain. And time for your dad to invest in a couple big dogs. Two or more. He needs them out there by the swamp, anyway, and if an intruder gets one the other will get him from behind.

Chimera
11-25-2008, 10:50 AM
Well first off, thanks for the hatemongering. Not all males are responsible for this one jackasses behavior any more than you are responsible for all female behavior or any given black person is responsible for all black behavior.

Can we set that aside? Because in the long run, that's going to do you the most internal damage.

broken into my Dad's house and taken my phone and pushed me to the floor and stomped on my phone

Best advice: Get there first. If you have a witness, or even if you don't, call the cops and file charges. This is Breaking and Entering, Battery and Property Damage. Hell, if you can make the case that he broke your phone to prevent you from calling 911, that's another charge on top of it. Speak to the officers of your fears of further violence and retaliation. They may take whatever he has to say a little less seriously if he's first facing a bunch of charges for violence against you.

Giles
11-25-2008, 10:51 AM
Blackmail is itself a crime. Tell him that, if he carries through with his threat, you'll tell the cops he was blackmailing you. And then leave him, and pick up the pieces of your life without him.

dropzone
11-25-2008, 10:52 AM
They may take whatever he has to say a little less seriously if he's first facing a bunch of charges for violence against you.Oh, absolutely. And this guy sounds like the sort they already know and dislike.

chowder
11-25-2008, 10:58 AM
[QUOTE=dropzone;10495085 And this guy sounds like the sort they already know and dislike.[/QUOTE]
My thoughts exactly

eleanorigby
11-25-2008, 11:03 AM
.

Incidentally, I'm very confused about the appearance of a small string of DNA in the middle of your rant - not sure what that is.



This moved me to tears of laughter. Thank you.

Perhaps it's the missing strand in her significant other's brain?

tdn
11-25-2008, 11:05 AM
sometimes i wish i was never born....

First of all, stop that. You are not at fault. Second of all, stop blaming all men. We are not at fault either. You need to affix the blame squarely where it belongs, on that prick that calls himself a man.

You need to stop falling into the trap that so many battered women fall into -- that somehow you deserve what's happening to you. You don't. And you need to get yourself out of that situation ASAP. Is there a shelter you can go to immediately? If you don't have the resources to find one, can we help?

Thudlow Boink
11-25-2008, 11:17 AM
Second of all, stop blaming all men. We are not at fault either. You need to affix the blame squarely where it belongs, on that prick that calls himself a man.Maybe part of jujuju's problem is that she's somehow thinking of what's being done as normal, typical male behavior.

It's not. It's neither normal nor acceptable, and you shouldn't put up with it.

Cat Fight
11-25-2008, 11:33 AM
Maybe part of jujuju's problem is that she's somehow thinking of what's being done as normal, typical male behavior.

It's not. It's neither normal nor acceptable, and you shouldn't put up with it.

Bingo. My guess is this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened. jujuju, you can get to a computer, you can look for resources in your area. You sound like you're in a crappy situation but you can and will find people who will tell you it can get better.

dropzone
11-25-2008, 11:37 AM
Maybe part of jujuju's problem is that she's somehow thinking of what's being done as normal, typical male behavior. Good point.

No, jujuju, MOST men aren't like that. Yeah, we, as a group, have our flaws, but most of us are just boring and mildly annoying, just like women.

wring
11-25-2008, 11:37 AM
Get help in real life. Your PO may even have resources.

fluiddruid
11-25-2008, 11:40 AM
I think this would be better suited for MPSIMS. I'll move it for you to ensure the tone of responses is appropriate.

LouisB
11-25-2008, 11:56 AM
Oh, absolutely. And this guy sounds like the sort they already know and dislike.They probably wouldn't care a lot if this guy were hit in the face by a shovel or across the small of the back by a well-swung Louisville Slugger. Hire a couple of six foot, twenty inch four hundred pound bikers to discuss the issue with him; he will probably see reason and buy you a new phone into the bargain. He might even find religion with the right incentive.

jujuju
11-25-2008, 11:58 AM
Sorry about the title, I just didn't know what else to say. I know not all men are bad, I have just had a bad string of them lately. It's funny, I am still friends with most of my ex's, even the ones that were mean to me.physically and mostly emotionally).

Thanks for the assurance of what I should have already known myself. I will try to look at my life the way I would someone elses, it's easier that way...

Cat Fight
11-25-2008, 12:04 PM
Sorry about the title, I just didn't know what else to say. I know not all men are bad, I have just had a bad string of them lately. It's funny, I am still friends with most of my ex's, even the ones that were mean to me.physically and mostly emotionally).


With friends like those...

SmartAleq
11-25-2008, 12:11 PM
Restraining order. Seriously, NOW. Go to your PO, get the violation over with--if the laws in your state are like the ones here you're looking at 90 days max--this time of year, as long as it's nothing major, you're looking at MAYBE a couple weekends. While you're in jail, get a restraining order and have it served. He won't be able to do shit about it because you'll be completely off limits--he comes to visit, he gets jugged. Dude is displaying classic domestic violence tactics and he WILL. NOT. STOP. Nothing you do, nothing you say, no way you twist or tweak your behavior is going to fix this--except for getting a restraining order, getting the fuck away from him and getting some counselling to deal with the way you're feeling.

Good luck from someone who's been there, got the t-shirt AND the scars to prove it!

dropzone
11-25-2008, 12:22 PM
:( Are you sure we can't have the dogs and bikers incentivize him just a little? :(

tdn
11-25-2008, 12:26 PM
They probably wouldn't care a lot if this guy were hit in the face by a shovel or across the small of the back by a well-swung Louisville Slugger. Hire a couple of six foot, twenty inch four hundred pound bikers to discuss the issue with him; he will probably see reason and buy you a new phone into the bargain. He might even find religion with the right incentive.

Bad idea. He'll just take it out on jujuju.

Projammer
11-25-2008, 12:28 PM
That's the first time he hit me, and the last. The blackmail is just a probation violation, nothing serious, just enough for him to hold over my head.

Probation violation. Something he can actually prove? Or would it come down to he said, she said?

If the latter, get in front of it with your PO. Let him/her know about the blackmail threat and the whole story behind the ex. As someone mentioned earlier, blackmail is a prosecutable offence, and I'm going to bet that the ex is not unknown to the court system already.

tdn
11-25-2008, 12:33 PM
I have just had a bad string of them lately. It's funny, I am still friends with most of my ex's, even the ones that were mean to me.physically and mostly emotionally).

That sounds like a real problem. You're not on a string of bad luck with these guys, you're picking them on purpose, consciously or subconsciously. If I may suggest, stop dating altogether until you are able to sort out why. Otherwise, this will be your pattern for the rest of your short, miserable life.

But first things first, of course.

chowder
11-25-2008, 12:36 PM
Bad idea. He'll just take it out on jujuju.

Not if she gets the restraining order he won't

dropzone
11-25-2008, 12:39 PM
Bad idea. He'll just take it out on jujuju. Well, given the occasional failure of the retraining order it'd be nice to have a Plan B in place, like the dogs. And an alarm system. And maybe a Taser. And possibly something bigger than a .22, but she should learn how to handle and use it, too. Just in case.

But Plan A is still the restraining order and getting outta there.

tdn
11-25-2008, 12:45 PM
Not if she gets the restraining order he won't

A restraining order is just a piece of paper. People violate them all the time with little or no consequences.

EpicNonsense
11-25-2008, 12:56 PM
A restraining order is just a piece of paper. People violate them all the time with little or no consequences.

True, but it's not like this guy is going to commit murder. I'd hope he's not that stupid atleast. So once it was filed I doubt the guy would want to even bother messing with her. It's too easy for her to report something. Still unsure of how serious the blackmail issue is regarding the parole, so that may carry a little bit of weight.

tdn
11-25-2008, 01:16 PM
I understand. Better to get a RO than not get one. But it's not a magic force field, is all I'm saying.

Actually, what I'm really saying is that it's a bad idea to have guys beat him up. That's more likely to make him break the RO.

jujuju
11-25-2008, 01:48 PM
It is probation, not parole. And i have completed all my conditions, it is non-reporting and only for a couple of more months. Unless someone rats me out I am fine.

I just wanted to not mess up Thanksgiving for my family, that is all. Not quite sure why this got moved to MPSIMS, but since it did, I will refrain from the language I want to use.

And he is in and out so fast, a restraing order will have little effect. Last night he was gone before I could get the cops out and they said they couldn't do anything since he was gone, I said I know where he is but they didn't care. I called 911 again and asked to speak to a superior, and they said they would send the superior out, but they didn't.

cmyk
11-25-2008, 03:05 PM
Actually, we men DO suck. Sometimes I see a woman, like, look at me, and damn if I just don't reach out an give her a whack right across her face. Then I think, wow, why did I do that? I could've just broken her iPod or pissed in her gas tank or something -- y'know, something more lasting.

Then I have a beer and watch some sports... that is, when I'm not blackmailing someone or cleaning my gun.

jujuju -- I'm just funning here. Please do and try to realize you hooked up with a whack-job, and should remove him from your life immediately, by any legal means. Don't play his games. Call his bluff on the blackmail thing. Get the RO, and keep trying to involve the cops, it doesn't matter how disinterested they may seem, it's their job. Also, protect yourself if you really feel threatened. Trust me, guys like that are their own worst enemy. It's gonna suck, but you have to cut him out, one way or another.

And, as a final piece of advice... find a decent guy. For real.

Cat Fight
11-25-2008, 03:14 PM
Before I forget, let me recommend (yet again) The Gift of Fear (http://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440508835/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1227643883&sr=8-1). I believe a Doper recommended it a few years back, and I wouldn't be surprised if de Becker was a Doper himself. It's a readable, rational look at removing yourself from dangerous situations, especially domestic violence.

Cat Whisperer
11-25-2008, 03:25 PM
I<snip>Not quite sure why this got moved to MPSIMS, but since it did, I will refrain from the language I want to use. <snip>
This was moved to MPSIMS for your protection - you probably don't want anyone calling you stupid or saying it's all your fault right now, and that is not allowed in MPSIMS (but it is likely in the Pit). You can use any language you want in MPSIMS - this is an adult site.

Now for the advice part - you need professional help, and far more help than you can get on a message board. You are in a very dangerous situation, and if you keep getting yourself into dangerous situations, you are going to get hurt. You also need help figuring out why you keep getting into dangerous situations. Please look after yourself and talk to some kind of counsellor in the domestic abuse field - and if they warn you that his behaviour will escalate once you leave him, BELIEVE THEM.

jujuju
11-25-2008, 04:12 PM
I appreciate everyone's remarks. I guess I kinda already knew most of this, but just couldn't believe it. How did this happen? How did I get here? I come from a middle class family, never abused as a child, loving parents, college education, all that. This is not my MO. I don't like being here at all. I get to meet the locksmith tonight at 7. Please, I really hope you are exagerating when you say the behaviour will escalate. This is really more than I can handle already. I am scared, I've never wanted a gun in my life, but now I am thinking of stopping by the pawn shop. Or moving to an undisclosed location. Wow, your right, I need help. Message boards aren't gonna cut it.

I'm so scared. I just want this to go away.

Cat Whisperer
11-25-2008, 04:42 PM
I'm not saying it will escalate to scare you; I'm saying it because the behaviour is about control, and when you leave or end the relationship, he loses what control he has, and that can cause escalation. But really, you need to hear this from someone who deals with domestic abuse in your city, who can actually give you concrete advice and tell you what services are available and how best to deal with this situation safely. If you can't find anything else, start with your local police or hospital - they know where all the resources for abused women are in your location. You may have to move to an undisclosed location - you won't be the first or the last abused person to do so to try to shake off an ex who just wouldn't get the message.

SmartAleq
11-25-2008, 04:56 PM
On the plus side, many domestic abusers are actually quite the chickenshits--when you grow a pair, get some overwhelming force on your side and refuse to submit many of them decide it's just simpler all around to go bug somebody else.

As for you guys dissin' on the RO--keep in mind that in many cases it includes her house and place of work even if she's not there at the time. Get him on camera getting into her house and violating the RO and bingo--he's gonna spend the weekend in jail thinking it over. Many assholes decide at that point that it's just not worth it to play games with you after they've had to spend a little time in a cell where they have NO power.

And just in case that's not enough, something on this site (http://www.stungunscheaper.com/~Stun_Guns.php?ref=nwch25) would keep him right where he is until the cops arrive--no more of that "oooh, I'm gone like a SHADOW, ain't you scared?" shit.

Fight back, you'll be amazed at how much less you feel like shooting your head when you do...

lavenderviolet
11-25-2008, 05:48 PM
I am scared, I've never wanted a gun in my life, but now I am thinking of stopping by the pawn shop. Or moving to an undisclosed location.

I would recommend not gettign a gun until you have gotten past this feeling that you might want to shoot yourself. With a gun in the house, you'd be at more danger from making an impulsive decision that you didn't really want to make.
But, yes, I DO think it would be good if you can find a way to at least temporarily stay somewhere else. Try calling a women's shelter in your community and see what they can suggest. This guy does sound like he could be dangerous.

I hope you're able to get out of this situation without any more trouble from him.

freekalette
11-25-2008, 05:54 PM
*hugs jujuju* I understand where you are coming from. If i weren't for your location (many many miles away from mine) I would ask if you were dating my ex-husband. Without knowing all the details, I can't give much advice, as everyone's situation is different. I do agree that you should get a restraining order in place ASAP. True, it won't stop him, but it's a good cover your ass move nonetheless. Also, you really should talk to your PO. Yes, it will be a black mark against you, but honesty really is the best policy, especially when dealing with law enforcement types.

So sorry that you are going through this. I'll send good vibes and warm wishes your way until I know that you're okay. *hugs again*

LouisB
11-25-2008, 06:22 PM
Bad idea. He'll just take it out on jujuju.

Not if he couldn't walk he wouldn't.

Alpine
11-25-2008, 06:55 PM
jujuju: You don't have to do this alone. Really, really, get in touch with the local women's shelter. Denial and self-blame can paralyze you - this isn't really happening, what did I do to deserve this, etc. Especially if you haven't gotten help from the cops, it's time to bring in someone who knows the system and what bells to ring. It's not a failure to get help. You are not helpless yourself, but you are running around in circles. Don't even wait until the holiday is over - do it now.

Sorry if I sound overbearing. I used to work at the local hotline, and your situation is not good, if classic. You Are Not Alone. But you are in danger of escalation, seriously.

PM me if you want more info or just to talk.

Starving Artist
11-25-2008, 07:24 PM
jujuju, you're getting good advice in this thread and I don't have anything to add in the way of advice. I did want to adress the phone problem, though. You can get perfectly good prepaid phones anytime you want at WalMart, Target, etc. Net10 (http://net10.com/home_page.jsp?b=i&flash=YES&p=W&task=home_page) phones are only $30 with 300 minutes of airtime included (all calls are ten cents a minute - long distance, roaming, whatever).

You'll need access to some sort of phone (or possibly computer w/internet connection) in order to activate it (activation is immediate, btw), but at least this way you're not permanently cut off from the world anytime he might decide to take or damage your phone.

I wish you the very best in dealing with this situation. I hope you will get help from professionals who have experience dealing with this kind of thing. His behavior is indeed likely to get worse.

tdn
11-25-2008, 08:36 PM
Not if he couldn't walk he wouldn't.

Fair enough. But legs heal.

The best solution would be for him to spend time behind bars, but even then, he'll eventually get out. I know someone who went through that. No violence, but threats and stalking that lasted for over 15 years. For all I know it's still going on.

It's a sucky situation. Maybe (and I'm not condoning this, mind you) he could manage to fall down some stairs on a regular basis. Damn, did I just write that?

jujuju
11-26-2008, 10:44 AM
The phone will be alright, I think I may even be able to get it replaced under warrantee if I claim it fell out of the car.

Now he loves me again.

I went to the lawyer yesterday, and he suggested we stay away from each other for a week and then come to an agreement, which I agreed with. He keeps calling though. And he knows I am leaving town tonight, so I don't know what will happen. I am just taking everything I have with me, that way he can't take it.

It's weird, now he is all lovey dovey. Still scared, but better. I have a friend that gave me some suggestions on how to rig the door so I can see if he's been in when I am not there (piece of paper in the door, that kind of thing) but I can't use the camera on my phone for eveidence, but at least I will know.

I just hope he doesn't follow me to my family's house for thanksgiving. That would be bad.

LouisB
11-26-2008, 10:49 AM
Posted by tdn:
Fair enough. But legs heal.
I didn't mean he couldn't walk because of bad legs.

Captain Carrot
11-26-2008, 10:56 AM
Now he loves me again.No, he doesn't. Wanting to control is not the same as love.

Ferret Herder
11-26-2008, 10:57 AM
It's weird, now he is all lovey dovey. Still scared, but better. I have a friend that gave me some suggestions on how to rig the door so I can see if he's been in when I am not there (piece of paper in the door, that kind of thing) but I can't use the camera on my phone for eveidence, but at least I will know.

I just hope he doesn't follow me to my family's house for thanksgiving. That would be bad.
He's acting all lovey because that's what abusers do. They know they need to act nice for a while to string the target of their abuse along, to get that person to let the guard down. He's changed this time! He won't ever do it again! Until he does it again.

I will be thinking of you and wishing for the best.

VunderBob
11-26-2008, 10:59 AM
The lovey-dovey stuff is classic abuser behavior. Don't walk away, but run.

Do you have an alternate place to stay when visiting the family? A sib, cousin, or friend? Try some place he wouldn't expect on first or second thought. And tip the family goons off to what's happening in case he shows up uninvited and unwelcome.

tdn
11-26-2008, 11:05 AM
I didn't mean he couldn't walk because of bad legs.

Um... Are you suggesting stealing his shoes? Me no get.

Cat Whisperer
11-26-2008, 01:01 PM
Do a little search on "abused women honeymoon period." I think that will open your eyes to the lovey-doveyness. As VunderBob said, this guy is textbook abuser.

Really Not All That Bright
11-26-2008, 02:12 PM
No advice here, just best wishes that you're able to get away from him and get your life back in order. From a man, who tries not to suck.

If you don't mind my asking, what (general) geographic area are you in?

Alpine
11-26-2008, 02:42 PM
As others have said, it's classic behavior. It's called the cycle of violence because of the way things like the honeymoon phase and the violent outburst keep coming around and around again.

<broken record> I will reiterate that I think you need to talk to someone who's familiar with this and can offer you some tangible help.</broken record>

Don't be fooled; the "lovey dovey" is just another way to control you by sucking you back into the cycle.

T. Slothrop
11-27-2008, 03:58 AM
I think getting in touch with the local women's shelter (as above(Alpine)) would be good advice. They have access to all possible resources and professional counseling.

But as far as the gun: originally posted by DropZone: "maybe a Taser. And possibly something bigger than a .22, but she should learn how to handle and use it, too." I agree with learning how to handle and use it, but Masad Ayoob's research into one shot kills showed that the smallest caliber you want to shoot someone with is a .38 special. Unless you wanted to accidentally kill them with something smaller.

I don't think the Restraining Order is a whole lot of help. It is useful after he violates it in getting him thrown in jail, but it doesn't keep him from abusing Jujuju.

Jujuju, contact your local abused women's shelter. lay the entire situation out to them. ask for their help.

Clothahump
11-27-2008, 09:40 AM
The 22 was a threat against myself, not him, i couldn't hert a fly. I put it in mini rants, but he has more than once put me out, out of the car in the middle of the okeefenokee swamp (they have alligators), screwed the door shut of the house, and most recently, broken into my Dad's house and taken my phone and pushed me to the floor and stomped on my phone because that is the only place I have to go now, and now I can't even go there.

What is it with men? How do they know to get your phone first?

That's the first time he hit me, and the last. The blackmail is just a probation violation, nothing serious, just enough for him to hold over my head.

Have his ass arrested for assault. That is the only recourse you have. You need to get a whole lot of gone between you and him, and you need to do it real quick.

LouisB
11-28-2008, 08:22 AM
Um... Are you suggesting stealing his shoes? Me no get.I'm suggesting the Louisville Slugger applied to the small of his back should have more serious and long lasting consequences than simply breaking his freaking knees. (In fact, I didn't mention breaking his knees at all.)