"It was a really bad ring"

[pbbth]

In a pit thread about inept gift givers someone mentioned the episode of S&tC where Aidan buys Carrie an engagement ring. She accidentally finds it and is horrified to see that it is a ring she considers to be incredibly ugly. Now, she had some other issues with the potential engagement to be sure, such as not really wanting to get married to Aidan in the first place, but she spends a good deal of time discussing the horribleness of the ring with her friends.

In the thread in the pit it is mentioned that people should just be grateful for the gifts they are given but I am not sure how I feel about that. Yes, she should be appreciative that she has a man that loves her enough to marry her and get her a ring that obviously cost a pretty penny since that kind of thing is so important to her, but I think she had a point about the "bad ring" when she talked about it being her engagement ring and that she wanted to show it off to people, not hide it from them because she was embarrassed by it. I can completely understand that a woman would want to shout to the world that she is getting married and not hide away behind false modesty and a pair of gloves. But on the other hand I can understand that she should really be appreciative that he picked something out with her in mind to be a symbol of the start of their life together. But on the third hand I would be sad if my boyfriend didn't consult me at all about the jewelry that would be the only thing I would consistently be wearing over the next 40 or 50 years of my life.

My boyfriend and I have talked about what kind of jewelry suits me best and my wants and needs when it comes to that kind of thing so I don't doubt he would pick out something perfect for me but not all men are willing to have that conversation with a woman or they want to get her a ring just like the one their dad got their mom or whatever. I can easily see a man picking out something that he thinks is perfect but that she doesn't particularly like. Ladies, if your man picked you out a ring that you thought was tacky or gaudy or too plain how would you respond? Men, how would you feel if your soon-to-be fiance said she didn't like the ring?

Personally if I was presented with something that was less than ideal but obviously took my desires into account (I'm allergic to gold so I have to have a silver or platinum band, for example) I would wear it and love it because it came from him. If it was so far from acceptable that I blanched when I opened the box (like, I dunno, a diamond studded skull and crossbones or something) I would ask him if it were possible to exchange it for something a little different, though I know it would hurt his feelings if I asked him that. I would hate hurting his feelings but I think it would make him feel worse if I were hiding the ring away from other people because I didn't want them to see it.

[Freudian Slit]

Hey. ::raises hand:: It was me who commented on that episode.

I rethought what I said, and yeah, I don't think someone should have to wear something they absolutely hate. (Though do people wear their engagement rings for years? I don't know...neither of my parents wear their wedding rings, even.)

But Carrie's attitude still bothers me. He didn't exactly give her a diamond studded crossbones. Apparently it was a "pear shaped diamond with a gold band." Oh no, a GOLD band! It wasn't her personal taste (as I recall, Miranda helped Aidan pick it out). It was just the disdainful tone of voice, the entitlement. It just made me wonder why the hell he'd want to marry her.

[Randy Seltzer]

...I'm allergic to gold so...I did not think this was possible. I did some casting about on thar intarwebs, and lo and behold, there are rare isolated cases of real-life gold allergies.

Ignorance fought!

For the OP, yes, I (a male) would be devastated if the fiancée didn't like the ring. But should I ever have occasion to pick one out, I intend to do a damn thorough job figuring out what she wants.

[Sage Rat]

For the OP, yes, I (a male) would be devastated if the fiancée didn't like the ring. But should I ever have occasion to pick one out, I intend to do a damn thorough job figuring out what she wants.

I would of course prefer and be much happier if my partner liked the ring I had picked, I wouldn't be devastated or even unhappy in her disliking it. Different people have different tastes and even when you do your best job to make a good guess, it's still just a guess. There's no reason to feel bad about that.

But if she turned me down solely because of the ring, that would be disturbing. Devastating at first, but in the end I think it would be saying something about the girl so in the long run I think it would actually have been a good thing.

[Juniper200]

I did not think this was possible. I did some casting about on thar intarwebs, and lo and behold, there are rare isolated cases of real-life gold allergies.

Many people who say they're allergic to gold actually are sensitive to the nickel in low-carat and white golds. I know that in my case, at least, it's easier to say I'm allergic to gold than to say "I have nickel-sensitive dermatitis" and then have to explain metallurgy to the person who says "Oh, but this isn't nickel! It's gold!"

[pbbth]

Many people who say they're allergic to gold actually are sensitive to the nickel in low-carat and white golds. I know that in my case, at least, it's easier to say I'm allergic to gold than to say "I have nickel-sensitive dermatitis" and then have to explain metallurgy to the person who says "Oh, but this isn't nickel! It's gold!"

I don't know what about gold causes me to be allergic to it, but whatever it is makes me not ever want to wear it. My mom and grandma are the same way actually. If I wear a gold ring or necklace or something for more than a few hours it leaves my skin itchy and colored like I am bruised or something. It is very difficult for me to buy jewelry because the sales people and I have the same conversation every time where they try to argue with me about my allergies and how I just have never worn real gold before or whatever. :rolleyes:

Oh, and Freudian Slit, you are right about Carrie. She is a bitch with an over-inflated sense of entitlement. I'm not disagreeing with you about that! I just always thought that this was one of the few times she had a legitimate reason to feel the way she did.

[Antigen]

Ladies, if your man picked you out a ring that you thought was tacky or gaudy or too plain how would you respond?

I've thought about this a little recently. I'm a little concerned about him picking something out because he doesn't really know jewelry all that well. He doesn't wear any at all, and he's never had a woman in his life to buy the sparkly stuff for. In general, he knows what types of stuff I tend to buy and wear, but dangly silver earrings don't necessarily translate well to the type of ring I'd like, at least not in his head. And he knows I'm fairly picky, and I think that scares him. He's not the type who'd take me ring-shopping, because that's not the "traditional" way of doing it. But he knows who my closest friends are and that they'll have an idea or two for him. I've also made a few well-placed comments about jewelry in general, like how I prefer small understated stuff. I have faith. :)

That said, if the ring was anywhere remotely close to something I'd choose, I wouldn't make a peep about it. If it was the complete opposite of what I like, I'd probably ask him (some time AFTER flinging myself at him and screaming "YES" and kissing his face off) if we could possibly think about changing it. I think he'd be a little upset but also happy to be sure I'm happy with it. He's indicated in the past that he's unsure about buying me jewelry because he has no clue what's "my style". I guess he's just not good at picking up a "style" from all the stuff I wear.

In order to avoid the "let's exchange it" problem, don't most women have friends and family the guy can go to for advice? Or an obvious "secret" folder full of pictures on the computer? Or pictures of rings taped to the fridge, if they get desperate? :D

How often is a guy totally clueless about what to do?

[anu-la1979]

Before my sister got engaged (she's now married) she left numerous examples of rings she liked for my brother-in-law. They were all traditional solitaire shapes like the round or princess cut. He even went so far as to ask her how big of a diamond she wanted and she picked out some modest sized bauble.

Then he took her to Brugges and surprised her with a gigantic heart shaped diamond (they can afford it)...which was completely unlike anything she had picked out for herself.

She's still wearing it even though she giggles every time she looks at it. My brother is a classic tech dork-she makes lists, he buys off of it. On this occasion, he genuinely wanted to show her that he put some thought into it and I think that melted her heart...right on to her ring finger. ;)

Fortunately he got lucky in that she's got those type of longer hands with very slim long fingers that can carry most shapes. I've got little paws and there are only a few cuts that look good on me (traditional round cut solitaire looks best). That said, I'm not overly concerned about my engagement ring-I guess if it were my first/only nice piece of jewellry I'd be more interested in getting it "just right" but it's not going to be (my sister and I inherited a lot of ancient gold) so I'll probably love whatever I get for the thought of it, even if it's not to my taste.

[Xema]

I guess he's just not good at picking up a "style" from all the stuff I wear.
IOW, he's a typical heterosexual male.


How often is a guy totally clueless about what to do?
Often. The whole "If you really loved her you'd buy her a ring that costs a painful amount" idea and all that it entails comes naturally to few men.

[Pixilated]

I received a diamond engagement ring many years ago. I cringed when it was given to me, but I dont think he noticed. It wasnt a hideous piece of work, it's actually kinda pretty in that unusual way - but it was too big for my small hands and just too much bling. Besides, I have an abnormal fear of the number nine and it has 9 diamonds. I keep tellin myself to sell the darn thing on ebay and see if I can get something decent for it.

He didnt take the time to get to know me to see what I wanted/liked. That's probably what annoyed me the most... he was always tryin to impress me with materialistic things and would often purchase big items without consulting me. Didnt last long.

The ring I got for Christmas was one within my taste; my SO did a great job! Had he not, I would have requested finding a ring together and either returning/exchanging that one or keeping it to wear on another finger or handing it down to the kids. Well, actually I did request that he exchange it - for a smaller size!

As for Carrie - well, she does come across as an ungrateful little snob but what I see is that she uses the ring as a focus point for her true fear and her true feelings of the relationship. It's like she is always comparing her lost love to her new love and as much as she wants to forget the past and move on to the future, she just cant do it and therefore sabatoges what she has. Aidan is opposite of Big - wants Carrie to meet his parents, spends time with her and her friends, builds things, romantic, etc etc etc. Big tries to keep Carrie and her friends out of his world (he would never introduce her to his mother and it practically took an act of og to get him to have dinner with her friends). Big's an ass (a wealthy, good looking screwed up one) and Carrie's a frucked up snobby walking issue.

[Swallowed My Cellphone]

For the OP, yes, I (a male) would be devastated if the fiancée didn't like the ring. But should I ever have occasion to pick one out, I intend to do a damn thorough job figuring out what she wants.That's the thing. I could not imagine buying an engagement ring that I hadn't gone through great pains to make sure she would like. I also can't imagine being at the point where you'd propose but still not have a clue as to your would-be fiancee's tastes. Even if I was a boob and knew I was a terrible judge of those things, I'd probably have my sister or one of her friends who I am confident has similar tastes as my fiancee tag along and make sure my choice was right.

But then, the true Big Deal is the proposal. If my fiancee indicated the frakking ring was the Big Deal we'd have a problem.



BTW: My fiancee doesn't wear rings, doesn't really like them, so there is no engagement ring. (And we still don't know what to do about weddings bands.)

[Swallowed My Cellphone]

My boyfriend and I have talked about what kind of jewelry suits me best...I always thought you were a dude.

I think it's because your username makes me think: "Pull my finger... :: PBBBBBBTH! ::"

[Diogenes the Cynic]

My God, how shallow. It's a shiny rock. Who cares? There are people in the world with real problems.

You know what kind of ring I got for my wife? None. She explicitly told me not to because it's a stupid waste of money.

By the way, do you know how those rocks get mined? By little kids in West Africa. We're talking kids as young as 6 or 7 who are forced to work 10 or 12 hours a day by armed guards so warlords can finance their wars and you can have a shiny rock that meets your "wants and needs." When you look at that stone on your finger, rememeber that the chances are very good that a child was force to dig out of the ground at gunpoint.

Aren't there better ways you could derive self-esteem? Are there really people who think that other people should care about what kind of ring they like? This is something that some people think actually matters in this world?

[Athena]

Many people who say they're allergic to gold actually are sensitive to the nickel in low-carat and white golds. I know that in my case, at least, it's easier to say I'm allergic to gold than to say "I have nickel-sensitive dermatitis" and then have to explain metallurgy to the person who says "Oh, but this isn't nickel! It's gold!"

But there is actual allergies to gold as well. I haven't been tested (it's very expensive, and there's no treatment, so it doesn't make much sense) but I believe I'm allergic to it.

My engagement ring is 19.2 carat gold, and contains no nickel - I checked with the guy who made it. I wore it for over 2 years with no problem, then BANG, my fingers started getting red and itchy when I wore it. Cleaned it professionally several times, no luck. Finally went to doc about it and he said I was probably allergic to the gold in it, since the other metals it contained were relatively benign.

I did find a solution - you can get the inside coated with rhodium very cheaply ($20 or less) and that does the trick for me. I have to get it done every few months as it wears off, but it's well worth it since it allows me to wear the damn thing.

Back to the OP - my first husband put all of ten minutes into picking out my engagement ring, and that bothered me more than the ring itself. We were young and poor, so given our budget ($500 or less), I wasn't getting some huge rock. Still, he want to the closest mall, to the first jewelry store he saw, and the salesperson talked him into a very generic solitaire. I would have preferred a smaller ring, maybe not even a diamond, but something he put a little more effort into. Still, I would have never bitched to him about it. It did always bug me, though.

Current ring, my hubby put a huge amount of time and effort into it. First we shopped together and he got an idea of the style I liked. Then he found a jeweler and worked with him to create a unique one-of-a-kind ring. High carat gold (despite the allergy I'm a gold nut), a sapphire instead of a diamond, but with 18 little teeensy diamonds embedded on the band. It's flat out the prettiest ring I've ever seen, but it's not your average engagement ring either.

[anu-la1979]

My God, how shallow. It's a shiny rock. Who cares? There are people in the world with real problems.

You know what kind of ring I got for my wife? None. She explicitly told me not to because it's a stupid waste of money.

By the way, do you know how those rocks get mined? By little kids in West Africa. We're talking kids as young as 6 or 7 who are forced to work 10 or 12 hours a day by armed guards so warlords can finance their wars and you can have a shiny rock that meets your "wants and needs." When you look at that stone on your finger, rememeber that the chances are very good that a child was force to dig out of the ground at gunpoint.

Aren't there better ways you could derive self-esteem? Are there really people who think that other people should care about what kind of ring they like? This is something that some people think actually matters in this world?

I'm surprised it took 12 posts. Dude, you can make this argument about anything, including the food you eat and the clothes on your back. Hating diamonds, designer handbags and weddings are SD memes.

What about all those electronics purchased in this country? Are you aware that when they're sent off to the third world to be recycled that the plastics are burned in large heaps and such?

Besides, there are ethical diamonds mined out of Canada and lab created diamonds are on the rise.

[Antigen]

By the way, do you know how those rocks get mined? By little kids in West Africa. We're talking kids as young as 6 or 7 who are forced to work 10 or 12 hours a day by armed guards so warlords can finance their wars and you can have a shiny rock that meets your "wants and needs." When you look at that stone on your finger, rememeber that the chances are very good that a child was force to dig out of the ground at gunpoint.

Well, there is always the option of conflict-free diamonds from Canada. Or are there polar bears working the mines at gunpoint?

And yeah, so some women would like a symbol of commitment to wear on their hand. Big deal. I don't think a single poster here has said anything about bigger being better, or equated cost with love. It's not like all women are yearning for a Hope diamond to weigh down their left hand. I don't think it makes me "shallow" to want an engagement ring - as I implied in my earlier post, I'd say yes to ANY proposal he offered me, ring or no ring or hideous ring or whatever. All I'm saying (and I think most of us are saying" is that if there's going to be a ring, it would be nice if it was one we'd actually enjoy wearing as an everyday piece of jewelry.

[tim314]

My God, how shallow. It's a shiny rock. Who cares? There are people in the world with real problems.

You know what kind of ring I got for my wife? None. She explicitly told me not to because it's a stupid waste of money.

By the way, do you know how those rocks get mined? By little kids in West Africa. We're talking kids as young as 6 or 7 who are forced to work 10 or 12 hours a day by armed guards so warlords can finance their wars and you can have a shiny rock that meets your "wants and needs." When you look at that stone on your finger, rememeber that the chances are very good that a child was force to dig out of the ground at gunpoint.

Aren't there better ways you could derive self-esteem? Are there really people who think that other people should care about what kind of ring they like? This is something that some people think actually matters in this world?

Don't be an ass. If your wife doesn't like diamond jewlery (or jewlery in general), then sure it's a waste of money. Some people like it. Spending money on a non-essential like jewlery because it brings you pleasure is no more or less shallow than spending money to go to the movies, or go out to dinner, or buy a new home entertainment system, or any other non-essential purchase.

I didn't see anyone in this thread saying getting a ring they don't like is on par with "people who have real problems". How would you like it if you posted a thread on, I don't know, a movie you thought was really bad, and I said "My God, how shallow. It's just pictures on a screen. Who cares? There are people in the world with real problems. Aren't their better ways you could spend your time? This is something that some people think actually matters in this world?"

At the very least you'd probably tell me I was threadshitting, and generally being a jerk. And you'd be right.

[Malthus]

My God, how shallow. It's a shiny rock. Who cares? There are people in the world with real problems.

You know what kind of ring I got for my wife? None. She explicitly told me not to because it's a stupid waste of money.

By the way, do you know how those rocks get mined? By little kids in West Africa. We're talking kids as young as 6 or 7 who are forced to work 10 or 12 hours a day by armed guards so warlords can finance their wars and you can have a shiny rock that meets your "wants and needs." When you look at that stone on your finger, rememeber that the chances are very good that a child was force to dig out of the ground at gunpoint.

Aren't there better ways you could derive self-esteem? Are there really people who think that other people should care about what kind of ring they like? This is something that some people think actually matters in this world?

We felt the same when we got engaged. My wife expressly told me not to get her a fancy ring, because we could not afford it.

Years later. I got her a nice diamond anniversary ring - not because I thought I had to, but because I wanted to. Being Canadian, I got Canadian diamonds.

The fact is that diamonds are nice and sparkly. I like the way they look. I don't know if anything else really sparkles in the same way, though maybe that's subjective. They are a luxury to own, and like any luxury, by definition they are not necessary- but what is wrong with some frivolity if you can afford it?

[Bricker]

By the way, do you know how those rocks get mined? By little kids in West Africa. We're talking kids as young as 6 or 7 who are forced to work 10 or 12 hours a day by armed guards so warlords can finance their wars and you can have a shiny rock that meets your "wants and needs." When you look at that stone on your finger, rememeber that the chances are very good that a child was force to dig out of the ground at gunpoint.


Yes, but, in fairness, my wife's diamond is really pretty.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

I'm surprised it took 12 posts. Dude, you can make this argument about anything, including the food you eat and the clothes on your back. Hating diamonds, designer handbags and weddings are SD memes.

What about all those electronics purchased in this country? Are you aware that when they're sent off to the third world to be recycled that the plastics are burned in large heaps and such?

Besides, there are ethical diamonds mined out of Canada and lab created diamonds are on the rise.
I don't especially care about any of that stuff either, but diamonds are even lamer, not just because of the child slave thing, but also because they're so utterly useless. At least electronics serve some sort of function. Jewelry serves none. It's a profoundly immature thing to place any importance on. I feel the same way about the idiots with the big gold chains and giant, honking dollar sign pendants, by the way. Engagement rings have no more inherent class or dignity.

[Contrary]

My now-husband wanted me to tell him which ring to get. I didn't want to do that so I told him no, I wasn't comfortable doing that and I preferred he pick it out when he was ready. He did ask for pointers, which I was fine with providing but the rest was up to him.

He polled his female friends about my position and found most of them would wear a ring they didn't love if their fiance had picked it out for them. Clearly that's not true in this thread but it was for them, and it certainly was for me.

For what it's worth, he got a ring that was exactly to my taste--white gold (no allergies thankfully), princess cut and nothing else. Perfect!

[Diogenes the Cynic]

Well, there is always the option of conflict-free diamonds from Canada. Or are there polar bears working the mines at gunpoint?
Once diamonds get to the US, there is no longer any way to trace their origin. They all get mixed together. You don't know what came from where.

[Malthus]

Once diamonds get to the US, there is no longer any way to trace their origin. They all get mixed together. You don't know what came from where.

But that just isn't true.

http://www.polarbeardiamond.com/certification.html

[pbbth]

He polled his female friends about my position and found most of them would wear a ring they didn't love if their fiance had picked it out for them. Clearly that's not true in this thread but it was for them, and it certainly was for me.

For what it's worth, he got a ring that was exactly to my taste--white gold (no allergies thankfully), princess cut and nothing else. Perfect!

I don't think anyone here is saying they wouldn't wear something given to them as a gesture of love, but I think most people would hope that their tastes are reflected in the ring they are given. If I were presented with a ring that was pretty but not my taste I would gladly put it on my finger and never take it off again but if it were something horrible ("It is a diamond studded Texas Longhorn! You're from Texas so I thought you'd like that." "But, but...I am not particularly fond of Texas. That is why I moved. Besides that, I went to A&M!") I would still marry him without question but I would try to trade it for something more suitable to my tastes.

[Sunspace]

Once diamonds get to the US, there is no longer any way to trace their origin. They all get mixed together. You don't know what came from where.Apparently at least some Canadian diamonds have traceable serial numbers (http://www.canadamark.com/Origins.asp).

[Diogenes the Cynic]

Ok, so how many people here would make sure, or have made sure that their stones are Canadian?

If you had a choice between a Canadian rock that failed to meet your "tastes," or a conflict diamond (or even a diamond of unknown origin) which was something you liked, which one would you choose?

[tim314]

At least electronics serve some sort of function. Jewelry serves none. It's a profoundly immature thing to place any importance on. I feel the same way about the idiots with the big gold chains and giant, honking dollar sign pendants, by the way. Engagement rings have no more inherent class or dignity.

What about someone buying an expensive painting to hang on their wall? Ultimately, you're still just buying stuff because you like looking at it.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

I don't think anyone here is saying they wouldn't wear something given to them as a gesture of love, but I think most people would hope that their tastes are reflected in the ring they are given. If I were presented with a ring that was pretty but not my taste I would gladly put it on my finger and never take it off again but if it were something horrible ("It is a diamond studded Texas Longhorn! You're from Texas so I thought you'd like that." "But, but...I am not particularly fond of Texas. That is why I moved. Besides that, I went to A&M!") I would still marry him without question but I would try to trade it for something more suitable to my tastes.
You would trade it? Wow. It really wouldn't bother you to piss all over the guy's feelings like that?

[Rocketeer]

When I proposed to Mrs. R, I didn't have a ring for her; I told her that we'd go and pick out a ring together. And we did, and we're still married many years later, so I guess it worked out okay. ;)

[delphica]

I was successful in making it clear early on that I generally only wear jewelry I picked out myself. Having set this expectation up right at the beginning has saved both of us a lot of headache.

I would much, much rather have a ring I love for its aesthetics and craftsmanship than the surprise of being given a ring I have never seen before. I know some people place more importance on the surprise. I hope those people are less rigid about design standards than I am. Hey, at least I know I'm picky. :D

[tim314]

You would trade it? Wow. It really wouldn't bother you to piss all over the guy's feelings like that?

I can't comprehend why a guy wouldn't make some effort to find out his girlfriend's taste in jewelry before buying her a ring he knows she'd want to wear every day for the rest of her life.

[Malthus]

Ok, so how many people here would make sure, or have made sure that their stones are Canadian?

If you had a choice between a Canadian rock that failed to meet your "tastes," or a conflict diamond (or even a diamond of unknown origin) which was something you liked, which one would you choose?

As far as I know, diamonds are diamonds. While they no doubt vary in colour and other factors, I do not think that by and large the ones from (say) Africa look all that different in general from the ones from Canada to the average consumer.

The real question is whether one is willing to pay more for a certified one than for an uncertified one. In my opinion, I am (and was) willing to pay for the certified ones, at least in part as a guarantee of authenticity. I do not know if there is a big price difference or not.

The whole "conflict diamond" thing is a bit of a non-issue really, since there is an easy and reliable means of avoiding it.

[pbbth]

You would trade it? Wow. It really wouldn't bother you to piss all over the guy's feelings like that?

1.) My boyfriend wouldn't ever give me anything he wasn't absolutely certian I would love, so this isn't an issue.
2.) If I told him I loved him and wanted to marry him but that I wouldn't be comfortable wearing that ring he would want me to find something I was happier with instead of having something I didn't like on my finger all the time.
3.) So you are saying that if you proposed to your wife with a ring and she said, "honey, I love you and want to spend my life with you but I don't need a ring...let's trade it in and spend the money on our honeymoon!" you would have considered that "pissing on your feelings"?

[Diogenes the Cynic]

What about someone buying an expensive painting to hang on their wall? Ultimately, you're still just buying stuff because you like looking at it.
Jewelry isn't about having something to look at, it's about having something to show off. Gemstones also do not involve any kind of artistic or human expression. They're just objects of status.

[XJETGIRLX]

My husband bought me a necklace a few years back that just ... wasn't to my liking. He tried very, very hard to find something he thought I would like, and I truly appreciated the effort but I couldn't bear to have him spend that much money on something I would not wear regularly so we returned it and bought stuff for the house instead.

When it came time for my engagement ring, he purchased the diamond and I bought my own setting. Later, he took them to a jeweler to have it set with a custom head. He got to surprise me with something beautiful, and I got a ring that I absolutely love and will cherish for the rest of our lives. I think it's the perfect symbol of our marriage as a partnership, in a way. I couldn't be happier.

I wasn't adamant about getting a ring but I never had one when I was married before and he wanted to get me one, but since our tastes are so different this turned out to be a great compromise.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

I can't comprehend why a guy wouldn't make some effort to find out his girlfriend's taste in jewelry before buying her a ring he knows she'd want to wear every day for the rest of her life.
I can't comprehend wanting to marry a girl who thinks jewelry has any importance.

[Malthus]

Jewelry isn't about having something to look at, it's about having something to show off. Gemstones also do not involve any kind of artistic or human expression. They're just objects of status.

You are quite simply wrong.

I buy jewelry for my wife because we both like looking at it. I could not care less if other people like it or not, or what they think of our status.

Craftsmanship and beauty in jewelry is paramount to me. I love diamonds because they are uniquely sparkly.

[XJETGIRLX]

Jewelry isn't about having something to look at, it's about having something to show off. Gemstones also do not involve any kind of artistic or human expression. They're just objects of status.

Try telling that to the people that cut the stones, or craft the settings.

[XJETGIRLX]

I can't comprehend wanting to marry a girl who thinks jewelry has any importance.

We get it. You hate diamonds and all they symbolize, yada yada. Now stop threadshitting.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

1.) My boyfriend wouldn't ever give me anything he wasn't absolutely certian I would love, so this isn't an issue.
2.) If I told him I loved him and wanted to marry him but that I wouldn't be comfortable wearing that ring he would want me to find something I was happier with instead of having something I didn't like on my finger all the time.
Your boyfriend sounds like a real doormat.
3.) So you are saying that if you proposed to your wife with a ring and she said, "honey, I love you and want to spend my life with you but I don't need a ring...let's trade it in and spend the money on our honeymoon!" you would have considered that "pissing on your feelings"?
That's basically what my wife did say (only she said it preemptively .. "Don't waste money on a ring. I'll return it if you do"), but you didn't say you'd trade it to save the money, you said you'd trade it for another ring. That's not about being sensible or selfless, it's about telling a guy his gift isn't good enough.

[delphica]

Jewelry isn't about having something to look at, it's about having something to show off. Gemstones also do not involve any kind of artistic or human expression. They're just objects of status.

Wow, I am a crazy design fan and I love jewelry as artistic expression. I will not argue that jewelry has a long history as a status signifier, but I don't think that one aspect precludes the other. It can indeed be beautiful to look at as art. Even though it's not your thing, you can't objectively declare that jewelry isn't artistic.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

[Shrug] All shiny rocks look the same to me. I don't even know what people mean by "taste" in diamonds. I can't tell any difference besides size.

[tim314]

Jewelry isn't about having something to look at, it's about having something to show off. Gemstones also do not involve any kind of artistic or human expression. They're just objects of status.
For some people, maybe. But that's certainly not true of everyone, probably not even a majority. If jewelery is about status, then why do so many people buy cheap jewelery? I'm not talking fake diamonds, I mean the obviously inexpensive stuff. The answer is that jewelery is in general just a way of enhancing your appearance, no different than wearing makeup, or nice clothes, or getting a haircut, or shaving or whatever.

With an engagement ring, of course, it's about more than appearance, it's also a "symbol of your love". Some people would roll their eyes at that, but there are plenty of people who take it seriously. If I were to ask my wife what she likes about her ring, I'm pretty sure the answer would be some mix of "It makes me think of you", and "it's pretty."

Also, I know plenty of people who would never want a humongous diamond ring (although such rings are more expensive, and thus convey higher status). And yet, they love their smaller diamonds. Clearly, it's not about status.

By the way, gemstones are cut by humans, and that's a form of artistry, if not "art" per se. But even if they sprung out of the ground with a perfect cut, that wouldn't mean they lack real aesthetic value. A sunset has aesthetic value, even though it's not something a human artist made.

[Ferret Herder]

Ok, so how many people here would make sure, or have made sure that their stones are Canadian?

If you had a choice between a Canadian rock that failed to meet your "tastes," or a conflict diamond (or even a diamond of unknown origin) which was something you liked, which one would you choose?
My sister did make sure, for what that's worth.

I didn't have a choice (well, I suppose I did, but it would have caused its own issues) in my ring, though my now-husband was considerate enough to propose without a ring and wait for my input. He knows I hate jewelry on me, so we were going to figure out on our own what to get; I was leaning towards a teeny-tiny solitaire so it was unobtrusive. Some time after the announcement, his mother surprised him with the news that his deceased paternal grandmother had said before her death that she wanted him to have her engagement ring for his future fiancee.

It really was the opposite of anything I would have chosen for myself (pretty big diamond, ornate setting), but it was an heirloom so at least I didn't have any moral qualms about conflict diamonds or DeBeers. The setting is very artistic and unique, and to those who know anything about jewelry both the diamond's cut and the style of the setting place it at the time period in which it was made, so it broadcasts a bit of its history to those who know such things.

My father-in-law did try to pressure my husband to get me to sign a pre-nup over the ring, which made me laugh. (We didn't sign one.) And a few years back I did overhear FIL griping to one of his daughters how he'd rip it off my finger if we got divorced; the next comment about that gets it thrown in his face.

I treasure the wedding band, which we bought together and was much more what I think of when buying jewelry (it cost less than most video games). The baggage that came with the engagement ring kind of turned it into a "bad ring". It's quite lovely and all, but my husband and I are already discussing plans to hand it off to our (college-age, now) nephew, perhaps, when he picks out a special someone.

It might just be me, but I really don't think about the rings that I wear. I guess something gigantic and clownish might bug me just because of being awkward to wear or constantly flashing at me, but I barely notice them. I'm sure it's just my attitude towards jewelry, and someone who'd been looking forward to the magic moment of the one-knee proposal with the little box containing The Perfect Ring (which also fits perfectly) might well be horrified, as might those who love the artistic appeal of a well-formed bit of jewelry.

[tim314]

I can't comprehend wanting to marry a girl who thinks jewelry has any importance.Yeah, but the difference is I didn't call your wife shallow for not liking jewelry. You're the only one in this thread who felt the need to insult people just because they don't share your taste or your views on which obviously non-essential purchases are worth making.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

What I was calling shallow was the inclination to reject a proffered engagement ring because it doesn't meet the recipent's high standards. There's wearing jewelry because you like it (not my thing, but whatever), and there's thinking it matters whether a gift offered as a token of committment and love matches the recipient's "wants and needs."

[tim314]

All shiny rocks look the same to me. I don't even know what people mean by "taste" in diamonds. I can't tell any difference besides size.Well, clearly you haven't spent much time looking at rings. Which is hardly surprising, since your wife doesn't like jewelry. But if you had spent much time looking at them, I think you'd pretty readily see that there is a wide variation in styles of rings (both in the band itself and in how the stone is set in the ring), and as for the stones, they can be cut into a wide variety of different shapes. In my experience, most women care a lot more about the cut and setting of their ring then they do about how many carats it is.

For what it's worth, I agree with you that the people who say things like "I'll only marry him if he gets me at least a two carat ring" are pretty damn shallow. I have heard people say things like that before, but in my experience at least that kind of attitude is the exception, not the rule.

[PotLuck]

IIRC you can buy "loaner" engagement rings from some jewellers: you purchase a ring to present to your SO with the pre-arranged intent to return to the store to exchange that ring for one of her choice. Is anyone else familiar with that option?

[XJETGIRLX]

What I was calling shallow was the inclination to reject a proffered engagement ring because it doesn't meet the recipent's high standards. There's wearing jewelry because you like it (not my thing, but whatever), and there's thinking it matters whether a gift offered as a token of committment and love matches the recipient's "wants and needs."

I haven't seen anyone here say that they would turn down an engagement because of the ring alone, but I have seen people who have exchanged the ring for something more to the bride's tastes. And it absolutely does matter that such a large, important gift match the recipient's wants and needs. If my fiance proposed to me with a ring that paid absolutely no mind to my "wants and needs" then it's probably an indicator that he is not willing to compromise or consider the needs of anyone other than himself in the relationship.

You put a great deal of importance on the "wants and needs" of your wife by not getting a ring. How is this any different?

[tim314]

What I was calling shallow was the inclination to reject a proffered engagement ring because it doesn't meet the recipent's high standards. There's wearing jewelry because you like it (not my thing, but whatever), and there's thinking it matters whether a gift offered as a token of committment and love matches the recipient's "wants and needs."
Well, when you go on about how it's "a stupid thing to spend money on", and how it's "profoundly immature to attach any value to it", and "aren't there better ways you could derive self-esteem", then I think it's not hard to see why I would read it as more general condemnation of jewelery owners. But since you say that's not what you meant, I'll take you at your word.

[Swallowed My Cellphone]

[Shrug] All shiny rocks look the same to me. I don't even know what people mean by "taste" in diamonds. I can't tell any difference besides size.And I can't tell the difference between a $50 Cognac and a $500 Cognac, but I don't shrug off people who can.

And would I spend more or choose an ugly diamond over my ideal stone that's a conflict diamond? Fuck yeah! I make those kind of choices every day trying to live as ecologically green as I can and eating my organic veggies.

Not that a diamond is an issue for me because neither of us particularly care for gemstones, or gold, so our engagement is ring-free.

Now quit threadshitting.

[pbbth]

Your boyfriend sounds like a real doormat.

That's basically what my wife did say (only she said it preemptively .. "Don't waste money on a ring. I'll return it if you do"), but you didn't say you'd trade it to save the money, you said you'd trade it for another ring. That's not about being sensible or selfless, it's about telling a guy his gift isn't good enough.

Wow, so being considerate enough to want me to be happy with something so important makes him a doormat? I'd rather be with someone who actually cares what I think and wants me to be happy than an asshole who can't handle a discussion about something as important as an engagement ring.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

I haven't seen anyone here say that they would turn down an engagement because of the ring aloneThe OP did -- at least she said she would trade it in. That's the same thing. Even complaining about it is tacky.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

Wow, so being considerate enough to want me to be happy with something so important makes him a doormat? I'd rather be with someone who actually cares what I think and wants me to be happy than an asshole who can't handle a discussion about something as important as an engagement ring.
There's nothing important about an engagement ring.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

Now quit threadshitting.
The OP asked for an opinion in the opinion forum. To wit: she asked this question:

Men, how would you feel if your soon-to-be fiance said she didn't like the ring?
The answer is that I would feel that she was shallow enough that I'd have to reconsider the engagement. How is it threadshitting simply to offer a minority opinion in a thread asking for opinions?

[XJETGIRLX]

The answer is that I would feel that she was shallow enough that I'd have to reconsider the engagement. How is it threadshitting simply to offer a minority opinion in a thread asking for opinions?

It's threadshitting because you are calling people who believe in, what is for many, a culturally and symbolically important gift "shallow," "superficial," and just generally being holier-than-thou about your opinion.

[anu-la1979]

I don't especially care about any of that stuff either, but diamonds are even lamer, not just because of the child slave thing, but also because they're so utterly useless. At least electronics serve some sort of function. Jewelry serves none. It's a profoundly immature thing to place any importance on. I feel the same way about the idiots with the big gold chains and giant, honking dollar sign pendants, by the way. Engagement rings have no more inherent class or dignity.

Real gold holds its value. It's actually a better decision than buying a diamond.

Anyway, I'm amazed food has no importance to you. Are you completely 100% subsistence lifestyle? Why are you so hung up on diamonds when there's plenty to be said about agribusiness and the plight of migrant farmerse?

I agree with your larger point about consumerism, especially when it risks ones financial healthiness but I feel that you're being willfully ignorant of certain facts. There are multiple sources of ethical diamonds out now and people are frivolous in different ways, including you probably.

And I really really fail to see the point of upgrading to Iphone 7.0 if it creates mounds and mounds of trash.

[Maeglin]

There's nothing important about an engagement ring.

Unless it acquires value by belief. The same way almost everything else acquires value.

[Giraffe]

The answer is that I would feel that she was shallow enough that I'd have to reconsider the engagement. How is it threadshitting simply to offer a minority opinion in a thread asking for opinions?Offering the opinion once would be OK (although still a bit obnoxious). Hijacking the thread to argue about the immorality of engagement jewelry is rude. Start a new thread if you want to discuss that related but separate topic.

[MLS]

My husband surprised me with a diamond engagement ring because he thought that was the expected thing to do. I was pleased, and of course wanted to marry him regardless of whether he bought one or not, or whether I liked it. He took care to buy a good quality stone, although it is not especially large. I hated the setting from the moment I saw it. It's not un-tasteful or in any way inappropriate, just not to my liking. I've worn it for over 40 years.

A couple of years ago I asked him if he'd be offended if I had the stone re-set in another setting, especially since after all these decades the band is starting to thin a little bit. He said, sure, go ahead. I just haven't felt like spending the money to do it, though.

Together with my wedding ring it's usually the only jewelry I wear. Sometimes I wear another ring on my right hand. I love pretty gems, but bracelets, necklaces and earrings are not comfortable for me, and besides, I can't see them!

Personally, I think too many people get to worked up over material things related to engagements and weddings. Isn't the important thing spending your life with someone you love?

[Diogenes the Cynic]

Offering the opinion once would be OK (although still a bit obnoxious). Hijacking the thread to argue about the immorality of engagement jewelry is rude. Start a new thread if you want to discuss that related but separate topic.
People argued with me first. Am I not allowed to defend myself?

[schnuckiputzi]

My husband-to-be knew I liked gold, but I usually wear very little jewelry. He surprised me with a nice diamond, cut into a rectangle (I don't remember the fancy word for it). It wasn't my first choice for a diamond, but it was from him, and I've had it on my finger for 20 years. I really don't even notice it anymore.

[gigi]

Oh, and Freudian Slit, you are right about Carrie. She is a bitch with an over-inflated sense of entitlement. I'm not disagreeing with you about that! I just always thought that this was one of the few times she had a legitimate reason to feel the way she did.

But it wasn't just that she personally didn't like it, it's that she would be embarrassed to show it to others, like she had to have something everyone would be jealous of. She seemed more concerned about that than whether she actually liked it, or her liking it was caught up in others' potential opinions.

[Bridget Burke]

People argued with me first. Am I not allowed to defend myself?

But, but, she started it. Waaahhh.....

[olivesmarch4th]

Well, let me just come out and admit I actually wanted an engagement ring. My husband and I talked extensively about what kind I wanted. I think jewelry is gorgeous and at its best comparable to other art mediums. We are not wealthy people and my motivation for having a ring had nothing to do with wealth. It has to do with the fact that I am a creature of tradition, I love jewelry, and I was very, very excited to get married. I get emotionally attached to symbolic objects sometimes because I associate them with memory, and time, and life experience.

I love my trombone, for example. Its monetary value has nothing to do with why I love it. I still remember how shiny and flawless it was the day I received it in 7th grade. I remember the day I dropped it at a University of Toledo halftime show and accidentally smashed it all to hell. I remember when the trigger string broke the night before my first solo as a Sophomore in college. It instantly reminds me of countless life experiences I've had as a musician. So shit--yeah, sign me up as one of those shallow people that likes material things.

If I didn't like what my husband picked, absolutely I would tell him. My husband and I are very close and we share everything. To not tell him would be dishonest--and I know that he feels the same way. We're both pretty up front with one another when we get gifts we don't care for. I have more than one shirt in my closet that was originally purchased for him. Nobody's feelings are hurt. We care more about sharing our thoughts than pretending to like well-intentioned gifts. The more feedback we get from one another, the better we get at picking out gifts for one another in the future.

It's pretty obvious when someone is being a materialistic bitch and when they are just being honest due to the nature of the relationship.

[Giraffe]

People argued with me first. Am I not allowed to defend myself?When your original post is already pretty far afield of the question being asked by the OP, pursuing an involved follow-up argument derails the thread. There's not a hard and fast rule for when you can respond and when you should take it to another thread -- it's just common sense and basic courtesy.

It's as if someone starts a thread asking for opinions on Halloween costumes with an eye toward trick or treating safety, and you offer your opinion that Halloween is the same as devil worship and should not be supported. That initial post is already kind of dickish. Arguing with the inevitable dissenting opinions is just compounding the dickishness. Eventually, we'll step in and tell you to stop, hence post #59. But it would be nicer if it didn't happen in the first place.

[Giraffe]

But, but, she started it. Waaahhh.....Easy, there. This isn't the Pit.

[BwanaBob]

What exactly is an ugly setting? From what I remember these things run in trends like clothing fashion and most likely repeat themselves over time.

Even bell-bottoms came back. What could be so bad about a setting?

[XJETGIRLX]

What exactly is an ugly setting?

Check out this Good, Bad, and the Ugly (http://www.pricescope.com/idealbb/view.asp?topicID=18524) thread on a site dedicated to diamonds and gemstones for some examples.

Really though, it's personal taste, although there are some styles that will be more commonly considered to be beautiful or ugly than others (just like any other decoration or fashion).

[BetsQ]

In the several months before Mr.Q and I got engaged I had several anxiety-related dreams about receiving a horrible engagement ring. (In one dream the ring was about 2" in diameter and had a cat toy dangling from it. Very vivid dream.)

Fortunately, we didn't have a traditional "proposal" but just agreed one day that we would get married. When he said we could go get a ring later in the week, I replied that I didn't really need one, but quickly came around to his point of view when he said he'd like to buy me one! I went shopping with a girlfriend over a couple of lunch hours, and then showed him the one I wanted when we finally went shopping together.

I wouldn't have had it any other way. I would NOT have wanted to be surprised.

[alice_in_wonderland]

Humm - tough question. I agree with the OP - CB is a horrible, shallow hose-beast; however, I can feel sympathy about being given something that you REALLY don't like and being expected to wear it every day (which is typically what happens with an engagement ring).

I've always been very, very particular and clear when talking about these things with Walter Lang - I did NOT want a diamond for an engagement ring. Partly for the reasons Diogenes mentioned (although I'm not sure why he had to be so douchy and morally superior to express those reasons) and partly because I just really am not into diamonds - not even nifty Canadian ones with a polar bear etched in them.

I think that if Walter had wound up getting me a big, honkin' diamond I would have been disappointed - not because I don't like diamonds, but because he obviously wasn't listening to me - which would be a drag.

However, if I had never mentioned anything about it, and received a ring with a big honkin' pear shaped diamond with a gold band I think I would have been sad (that's REALLY not my style) but I would have still worn it because it was from him. Then, maybe at an anniversary, I would have suggested having it redone into something a bit more my style.

[Acsenray]

I received a diamond engagement ring many years ago. I cringed when it was given to me, but I dont think he noticed.... I keep tellin myself to sell the darn thing on ebay and see if I can get something decent for it.

He didnt take the time to get to know me to see what I wanted/liked. That's probably what annoyed me the most... he was always tryin to impress me with materialistic things and would often purchase big items without consulting me. Didnt last long.

Waitaminit. You didn't marry the guy and you still have the engagement ring? If it was me, I'd expect to get it back. An engagement ring is a conditional gift.

[MLS]

If a woman breaks and engagement she is DEFINITELY supposed to give back the ring. If the guy breaks the engagement, she keeps it, if she wants it, as a compensation.

[Fish]

Waitaminit. You didn't marry the guy and you still have the engagement ring? If it was me, I'd expect to get it back. An engagement ring is a conditional gift.
This leapt out at me too. I would like to know more; why wasn't the ring returned?

[XJETGIRLX]

Waitaminit. You didn't marry the guy and you still have the engagement ring? If it was me, I'd expect to get it back. An engagement ring is a conditional gift.

The way I read it she could have married him and then gotten divorced. It doesn't say she didn't get married, just that it didn't last long.

[Hazle Weatherfield]

If a woman breaks and engagement she is DEFINITELY supposed to give back the ring. If the guy breaks the engagement, she keeps it, if she wants it, as a compensation.

If I ask for a divorce, am I supposed to give back my engagement and wedding rings? I guess I've never really thought about it before. Unfortunately, I'm having to do just that. What's the answer?

[Fish]

I noted that as well, XJETGIRLX. I didn't want to jump to any conclusions. It still strikes me as odd that she felt the ring was ugly, but she kept it anyway.

Edit: I'd say that if there's a wedding, the rings become the property of the couple to do with as they please.

[Acsenray]

If I ask for a divorce, am I supposed to give back my engagement and wedding rings? I guess I've never really thought about it before. Unfortunately, I'm having to do just that. What's the answer?

An engagement ring is conditioned upon the marriage's occurring. Divorce is a separate issue.

[TheBoltEater]

Well, I've never met anyone who had an easier/more satisfactory engagement ring purchase than I did. My then-girlfriend and I had been together for about 6 years already, so I knew her very well. Her grandmother had a beautiful old engagement ring/wedding band set that she loved, and grandma wasn't wearing anymore. Then her mom and my mom both offered us the diamonds out of their own wedding and engagement rings which they weren't wearing either. We took them to a local jeweler and had them recreate the old rings with our mothers' (bigger) diamonds.

I ended up with an engagement ring to propose to her with (worth about 20 times what I actually paid for it) that I knew for an obvious fact that she would absolutely love. And, of course, I knew that she'd say yes. And every time she shows it to someone new, they tend to think very highly of me. :D

Then, of course, when I got my wedding ring I didn't really like it and we got a new one.:p

[Mahna Mahna]

I'm very particular about all sorts of other things I wear on my body - my clothing, my shoes, my glasses - and jewellery isn't necessarily going to get a pass just for sentimental reasons. Call me shallow, but I'd probably feel disappointed if I was given an engagement ring that was ugly.*

I think that if Walter had wound up getting me a big, honkin' diamond I would have been disappointed - not because I don't like diamonds, but because he obviously wasn't listening to me - which would be a drag.

Ditto on this. I'm pretty specific in my tastes as far as design goes, so if The Boy was completely off the mark, I'd wonder what other things he wasn't paying attention to.

I'm lucky, though, because he HAS been paying attention. I've always said that I'd want my engagement ring to be designed by a cousin who creates custom jewellery for a living... she's known me my whole life, knows my style inside-out, and I've yet to see a design of hers that I didn't love. And now that we're starting to talk marriage, he spoke with her last month and has commissioned her to design my future engagement ring.

So really, whatever they surprise me with, I'm sure it'll be beautiful... but even if it's not, I'll probably still like it because it's still proof that he paid attention to what's important to me. It's a two-way road, too... I'll be commissioning a different designer whose rings he's been not-so-secretly coveting for a couple of years, because it's something he'll be wearing every day too.


* And by ugly, I mean U-G-L-Y in the design sense. The size of the stone doesn't matter much to me, nor does the cost of the ring... in fact, I'd actually prefer not to get a diamond because I've always thought they're overrated (colour wins over sparkle every time, as far as I'm concerned).

[pbbth]

* And by ugly, I mean U-G-L-Y in the design sense. The size of the stone doesn't matter much to me, nor does the cost of the ring... in fact, I'd actually prefer not to get a diamond because I've always thought they're overrated (colour wins over sparkle every time, as far as I'm concerned).

I agree. I've told my boyfriend that I would much rather have an amethyst or a sapphire or something instead of a diamond. To him having a diamond in an engagement ring is an important tradition, so if and when that time comes I would probably get an amethyst flanked by smaller diamonds on either side, combining things that are important to both of us in the ring design.

[Contrary]

If I ask for a divorce, am I supposed to give back my engagement and wedding rings? I guess I've never really thought about it before. Unfortunately, I'm having to do just that. What's the answer?
I kept mine and I asked for his back. He was the one who filed and was getting married again in just a couple of months. When he asked for mine back, I said "you filed, I'm keeping them."

Maybe not my most gracious moment, however I did give my younger son the center diamond for his fiancee's ring and I gave my older son his choice of the remaining rings for his fiancee a few years later (younger one got married three years before the older one, that's why he got the center stone).

[Mahna Mahna]

I agree. I've told my boyfriend that I would much rather have an amethyst or a sapphire or something instead of a diamond. To him having a diamond in an engagement ring is an important tradition, so if and when that time comes I would probably get an amethyst flanked by smaller diamonds on either side, combining things that are important to both of us in the ring design.

I think that's a nice compromise, and I think that's another key point - as much as you're the one wearing the ring, he's the one buying it for you... so really, it should be something that you're both happy with.

Hell, if you can't come to some compromise when it comes to the ring, it doesn't bode well for planning the wedding itself, right? :)

[Tom Tildrum]

I agree. I've told my boyfriend that I would much rather have an amethyst or a sapphire or something instead of a diamond. To him having a diamond in an engagement ring is an important tradition, so if and when that time comes I would probably get an amethyst flanked by smaller diamonds on either side, combining things that are important to both of us in the ring design.

My wife's ring has a central diamond flanked by a couple of sapphires. It turned out quite nice.

[SaharaTea]

I agree. I've told my boyfriend that I would much rather have an amethyst or a sapphire or something instead of a diamond. To him having a diamond in an engagement ring is an important tradition, so if and when that time comes I would probably get an amethyst flanked by smaller diamonds on either side, combining things that are important to both of us in the ring design.
Purple is my favorite color and I initially wanted an amethyst for my e-ring. For some reason the jeweler steered us away from amethyst - I can't remember why exactly, but it may have been something about it being too easily scratched. I ended up going with a purple sapphire, which is exquisite. Unbeknownst to me, you can get sapphires in any color of the rainbow (although some colors are rarer than others).

[Swallowed My Cellphone]

Check out this Good, Bad, and the Ugly (http://www.pricescope.com/idealbb/view.asp?topicID=18524) thread on a site dedicated to diamonds and gemstones for some examples. Oof, the "ugly setting" example here (http://www.pricescope.com/idealbb/files/love.jpg) is a doozy. Like something you'd get from your would-be fiance if he was a sixth grader. And this one (http://www.pricescope.com/idealbb/files/bling%20bling.jpg) can't possibly be real. That's from The Onion, right?

[Swallowed My Cellphone]

Oh, hey. Don't mean to hijack, but are old diamonds most likely to be conflict diamonds. Like, my mom has tucked away somehwere my greant grandmother's engagement ring. Clearly this was imported, cut and set long before the Kimberly Process (international system of controls that track diamonds to certify that they are not conflict diamonds).

So would one just assume, "Yeah, people were probably exploited for this diamond" based on the lack of regulatory control at the time.

[XJETGIRLX]

Purple is my favorite color and I initially wanted an amethyst for my e-ring. For some reason the jeweler steered us away from amethyst - I can't remember why exactly, but it may have been something about it being too easily scratched.

You're right, amethyst can be too fragile to hold up for everyday wear over the long run. Diamonds aren't just the standard for engagement rings because of advertising or a monopoly by the DeBeers company. They are also incredibly strong and durable for something many women wind up wearing nonstop for years.

[Mahna Mahna]

Oh, hey. Don't mean to hijack, but are old diamonds most likely to be conflict diamonds. Like, my mom has tucked away somehwere my greant grandmother's engagement ring. Clearly this was imported, cut and set long before the Kimberly Process (international system of controls that track diamonds to certify that they are not conflict diamonds).

So would one just assume, "Yeah, people were probably exploited for this diamond" based on the lack of regulatory control at the time.

You can probably assume that anything handed down from that many generations back was probably manufactured under less-than ethical conditions, at least by the standards of our time. It's not necessarily a conflict diamond, but chances are that the miner who dug it out of the ground had a rough life.. colonial Africa wasn't exactly known for being supportive of human rights unless you were a white European.

That said, I'd look at old diamonds the way I look at old furs or antique furniture made from ivory/rare wood/etc. Buying new is one thing, because you're indirectly financing some very nasty practices (be it the wholesale slaughter of cute furry animals for the sake of vanity, destruction of old-growth forests, or funding warlords in Africa or whatever else). On the other hand, if it's an heirloom piece, the money was spent at a time where the ethical quandary either didn't exist or simply wasn't part of anyone's worldview.

Plus there's the extra warm-fuzzy that comes from re-using a family heirloom and carrying on tradition, which is never a bad thing.

[anu-la1979]

Purple is my favorite color and I initially wanted an amethyst for my e-ring. For some reason the jeweler steered us away from amethyst - I can't remember why exactly, but it may have been something about it being too easily scratched. I ended up going with a purple sapphire, which is exquisite. Unbeknownst to me, you can get sapphires in any color of the rainbow (although some colors are rarer than others).

Yeah, padparascha are my favourite. mlerose (whom I'm friends with IRL) once mentioned something to me about a gemshow where they sell you the gems wholesale such that you can take them elsewhere to have set in a design of your choice. I'm going to have to find out how to get to one because I really really want to buy my mother some padparascha sapphs for a set she can make with gold. She has this amazing golden coloured skin (she is literally yellow) and I know the colour would look amazing on her and it's a gem colour that goes nicely with either silver or gold.

[Malthus]

I'd like some Alexandrite: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexandrite#Alexandrite

Changes colour radically depending on the light. Now, THAT is cool.

[Guinastasia]

Besides, there are ethical diamonds mined out of Canada and lab created diamonds are on the rise.

Not to mention vintage diamond rings and family heirlooms (I'm not engaged, but as the oldest granddaughter, I inherited my grandmother's engagement ring, which I wear on my right hand.)

Or, hey-you can even be a rebel and not even buy a diamond! My aunt had an emerald, IIRC.


BTW, sometimes I like wearing big, obnoxious cocktail rings-costume jewelry, obviously-just for the fun of it. Mostly old-fashioned looking, "heiress" type stuff.

Swallowed My Cellphone-the same could be said of a lot of antiques though-child labor, slave labor, etc. Still, I'd never trade my grandmother's ring, because, well, it was Gramma's.

[Pixilated]

Waitaminit. You didn't marry the guy and you still have the engagement ring? If it was me, I'd expect to get it back. An engagement ring is a conditional gift.

It was an engagement/wedding ring. I didnt get his ring back, so I would say it was an even trade. Under different circumstances, I wouldve given the ring back, but this was a less then desireable situation in which I will not go into detail.

When I divorced my kids' dad, I gave my ring ( a simple band with a small diamond) back to him, he then gave it to his next wife & the kids would give her grief because of it. IMO, regifting a ring that belonged to an ex is just tacky.

ugh. I was so young and stupid back then....:smack:

[EvilTOJ]

How about a Goatse ring? (http://www.boingboing.net/__product_images2_948_big.jpg)

[Count Blucher]

How about a Goatse ring? (http://www.boingboing.net/__product_images2_948_big.jpg)


Wait! That ring has gold on it though....

Pbbth- ................."...So? Do you expect me to marry you....?"

Evil Bad-Ring BF- .... "No, Pbbth. I expect you to die...!"

"Pretty girl, beware of his heart of gold
This heart is cold..."

(well, there goes the body-paint fantasy anyway...)

[Swallowed My Cellphone]

How about a Goatse ring? (http://www.boingboing.net/__product_images2_948_big.jpg)That just made my day! Ha!

[ouryL]

I heartily agree.
You should not get married.;)

[jharvey963]

Without reading all of the posts (got up to #16 -- no time right now to finish) let me express my opinion about this:

An engagement ring is NOT A PIECE OF JEWELRY. It is a symbol of the guys love and committment to his partner. Telling him that you don't like the ring is tantamount to telling him he is not good enough. Suggesting changing the ring would be an absolute deal breaker for me. By giving you a ring, I am giving you me, and you'd be telling me that I don't quite measure up.

J.

[Hazle Weatherfield]

Without reading all of the posts (got up to #16 -- no time right now to finish) let me express my opinion about this:

An engagement ring is NOT A PIECE OF JEWELRY. It is a symbol of the guys love and committment to his partner. Telling him that you don't like the ring is tantamount to telling him he is not good enough. Suggesting changing the ring would be an absolute deal breaker for me. By giving you a ring, I am giving you me, and you'd be telling me that I don't quite measure up.

J.

Giving me a ring that is not something I would ever dream of putting on my own finger suggests that you do not know me very well (at least not well enough to marry.) C'mon you should know your future partner well enough to get a shirt she'll love, let alone a ring.

[Girl From Mars]

Yeah, padparascha are my favourite. mlerose (whom I'm friends with IRL) once mentioned something to me about a gemshow where they sell you the gems wholesale such that you can take them elsewhere to have set in a design of your choice. I'm going to have to find out how to get to one because I really really want to buy my mother some padparascha sapphs for a set she can make with gold. She has this amazing golden coloured skin (she is literally yellow) and I know the colour would look amazing on her and it's a gem colour that goes nicely with either silver or gold.
You can buy custom cut gemstones online, if you can't make it to a show - I'm currently sourcing a asscher sapphire from a cutter in the US for my e-ring as I'm not happy with what I can find available in Australia. My stone will be cut by Jeff White (http://www.whitesgems.com/), but other good cutters include Gary Braun (http://www.finewatergems.com/), Gene Flanigan (http://www.precisiongem.com/Blog/PrecisiongemBlog.html) and Dan Stair (http://www.customgemstones.com/). Pricescope (http://www.pricescope.com/idealbb/) is an excellent resource as well.

[foolsguinea]

I did not think this was possible. I did some casting about on thar intarwebs, and lo and behold, there are rare isolated cases of real-life gold allergies.Yeah, my cousin is. And I say, "but gold is non-allergenic!" And then I say, "Well, pure gold is practically liquid, so maybe it's something in the gold." But yeah, she's allergic to gold.

Seriously, next I'll find someone who's allergic to pears.

[Sage Rat]

Seriously, next I'll find someone who's allergic to pears.

http://doctoor.blogspot.com/2006/03/pear-allergy.html

[Bridget Burke]

Easy, there. This isn't the Pit.

Noted. I should have had faith that a Mod would drop by & handle things more tactfully.

[Aangelica]

Yeah, my cousin is. And I say, "but gold is non-allergenic!" And then I say, "Well, pure gold is practically liquid, so maybe it's something in the gold." But yeah, she's allergic to gold.

Seriously, next I'll find someone who's allergic to pears.

I found about my own gold allergy when I got engaged. I never cared for gold jewelry. I like silver - and have a sterling silver bracelet I wear every day and will until the day I die. My husband and I went shopping for an engagement ring together (as much because I didn't know what style I wanted as anything - I don't wear rings generally, so I had no idea what style I might prefer).

We bought a very nice sapphire and gold ring - and I wore it for about a month, until the metal coating started to wear off. As soon as it did, over the course of about 24 hours my whole hand ballooned up almost double and itched fiercely. Plus, there was a really really vicious rash that lasted for (I wish I was kidding) months. I just barely got the ring off (and then only at the cost of a whole hell of a lot of soap and really, really cold water).

I was bitching to my mom about it and she told me that she has the same allergy (which is why she never wears even a wedding ring).

Turns out I can't handle platinum, either. My wedding ring is sterling silver :) I still don't have an engagement ring - mostly because by the time we sorted all of this crap out, I was already married. Also, it's a pain to find good quality gemstone rings that are set in sterling silver. And a lot of jewelers when you say you want silver jewelry assume you're referring to the color, rather than the metal. Contact allergies to metals are apparently fairly rare.

[billfish678]

Giving me a ring that is not something I would ever dream of putting on my own finger suggests that you do not know me very well (at least not well enough to marry.) C'mon you should know your future partner well enough to get a shirt she'll love, let alone a ring.


Well, then you both break up and move on. A win-win for everyone!

[Acsenray]

C'mon you should know your future partner well enough to get a shirt she'll love, let alone a ring.

A shirt? A shirt? You know how dangerous that is? See, this level of unrealistc expectations is why men and women can't get along. :D

[Hazle Weatherfield]

Well, then you both break up and move on. A win-win for everyone!

Agreed!