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Gadarene
01-14-2009, 08:07 AM
...Or just make some up. Tom Swifties explained. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_Swifties)

I'll start:

"I can't believe I ate so much pineapple," Tom said dolefully.

"The steering wheel won't budge!" Tom cried straightforwardly.

"I just adore St. Louis," Tom said archly.

"This Halloween I'm going as Catwoman," Tom said earthily.


The punnier the better, people. :)

Kobal2
01-14-2009, 08:33 AM
"Let's look for another Grail!" Tom requested.
"I used to be a pilot," Tom explained.
"I'm into homosexual necrophilia," said Tom in dead earnest.

ETA (none of those are mine, BTW - they're from the Annotated Pratchett File)

carnivorousplant
01-14-2009, 09:22 AM
"I can clean out drains with my mouth," Tom said succinctly.

Gadarene
01-14-2009, 09:35 AM
"I'm into homosexual necrophilia," said Tom in dead earnest.

That is...really wonderful.

Ichbin Dubist
01-14-2009, 09:53 AM
"I dropped the toothpaste!" said Tom, crestfallen.

Maeglin
01-14-2009, 10:00 AM
"Oh yes," Tom ejaculated.

JimNightshade
01-14-2009, 10:08 AM
"I think i might be schizophrenic" said Tom, being frank.

silenus
01-14-2009, 10:23 AM
"We're 36,000 feet above Nebraska," Tom plainly stated.

"AARRGGHH! I've just been stabbed in the chest," said Tom, half-heartedly.

"Man, that's an ugly Hippopotamidae," said Tom, hypocritically.

"I like ragged margins," said Tom, without justification.

Malacandra
01-14-2009, 10:28 AM
(Funny, I thought of starting one of these)

"It's all gone dark!" said Tom delightedly.

"That's not a laser!" cried Tom incoherently.

BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed
01-14-2009, 10:31 AM
"This Halloween I'm going as Catwoman," Tom said earthily.

I don't get it.

Sunspace
01-14-2009, 10:36 AM
"We're going off the road again!" said Tom reveredly.

Ludovic
01-14-2009, 10:39 AM
"Where's the attendance roll?" Tom said listlessly.

silenus
01-14-2009, 10:40 AM
I don't get it.

The late Eartha Kitt replaced Julie Newmar as Catwoman on the 60s TV Batman.

42fish
01-14-2009, 10:41 AM
"I really shouldn't have reached into the corn thresher while it was still running," Tom said off-handedly

silenus
01-14-2009, 10:42 AM
"So, you're a member of the San Francisco chapter of Mensa," said Tom, homogeneously.




d&r

Ludovic
01-14-2009, 10:44 AM
"I'm going to clean the laundry", Tom Shouted.

"I'm planning on marrying my black girlfriend," Tom said lovingly.

"I just the fleshlight," Tom said accidentally.

beowulff
01-14-2009, 10:52 AM
"I hate Chinese food," Tom said derisively

Maeglin
01-14-2009, 11:03 AM
"Pimpin' ain't easy," Tom said back-handedly.

UncaStuart
01-14-2009, 12:01 PM
"Wait, I said 'I give up!'" Tom recapitulated.

Gadarene
01-14-2009, 12:04 PM
"Wait, I said 'I give up!'" Tom recapitulated.

Heh.

I'm really enjoying a lot of these. Very much liked Ludovic's subtle Supreme Court joke, for example.

Malacandra
01-14-2009, 12:26 PM
"We're trying to run a business here," Tom said firmly.

"You're letting the fire go out," said Tom ungratefully.

"Get into the back of the boat!" yelled Tom sternly.

"Merlot or Zinfandel?" Tom whined.

"Just a little whiskey," said Tom wryly.

"I ought to take a pair of shears to the leylandii," Tom hedged.

"Seven no-trumps," Tom declared.

Chefguy
01-14-2009, 12:49 PM
"Take the prisoner downstairs," Tom said condescendingly.

Jenaroph
01-14-2009, 12:52 PM
"These tiny hors-d'oevres are great!" Tom said amusedly.

"My perm came out way too curly," said Tom, looking sheepish.

"BINGO!" said Tom markedly.

silenus
01-14-2009, 01:05 PM
"I know what sex that cat is," said Tom.

"I used to command a battalion of German insects," said Tom, exuberantly.

"Drei....fuenf," said Tom, fearlessly.

MLS
01-14-2009, 01:12 PM
"I'm sterile," said Tom inconceivably.
"What's another name for an elf?" asked Tom impishly.
"I have everything a man could want," said Tom needlessly.
"I don't want to play cards any more, " said Tom wistfully.

beowulff
01-14-2009, 01:18 PM
"I've tried, and tried, but nothing I do makes this stupid thing work," Tom said radioactively.
"My teeth hurt," Tom said incisively.

beowulff
01-14-2009, 01:25 PM
"Help! I'm stuck in the chimney," Tom said influentially.

WF Tomba
01-14-2009, 01:31 PM
"My favorite book is Moby Dick," said Tom superficially.

beowulff
01-14-2009, 01:35 PM
I really wish I hadn't dropped that on my foot," Tom said ironically.

Creaky
01-14-2009, 01:51 PM
So that's what a Tom Swiftie is. I clicked on this to find out. Cool.

Okay, I think I got a couple. (Yes, I am working from home today and procrastinating!)


"Just a chip off the old block," Tom said icily.

"Lower the thermostat!" Tom cried hotly.

MLS
01-14-2009, 02:08 PM
"My acne is gone!" said Tom clearly.

WF Tomba
01-14-2009, 02:13 PM
"Cannibalism's not as bad as you think," said Tom manfully.

KidScruffy
01-14-2009, 02:22 PM
"I just the fleshlight," Tom said accidentally.


"Just what?", he joked.

Hi, Neighbor!
01-14-2009, 02:39 PM
"Behold, the power of the Dark Side," Tom said forcefully.

Malacandra
01-14-2009, 03:05 PM
"Fruit-flavoured gin?" asked Tom slowly.

msmith537
01-14-2009, 03:25 PM
"Get this dildo out of my ass!" Tom said anally.

dactylic hexameter
01-14-2009, 03:25 PM
"Of course I can't prove it!" said Tom excitedly.

carnivorousplant
01-14-2009, 03:29 PM
If I may steal from Beowulff,

"Try again and again!" Tom said repeatedly.

Diogenes the Cynic
01-14-2009, 03:38 PM
"I can't believe I ate all that hay," Tom said balefully.

Jenaroph
01-14-2009, 03:39 PM
"Edward, make sure you don't come to the party early," said Tom belatedly.

Gangster Octopus
01-14-2009, 04:13 PM
"I am NOT that science guy!" denied Tom.

WF Tomba
01-14-2009, 04:14 PM
"I'll sue them for whiplash!" said Tom snidely.

Ichbin Dubist
01-14-2009, 05:46 PM
"Now I'm really in the soup," said Tom wantonly.

"3.1415926535897932," said Tom piously.

"Do you like my butt implants?" said Tom, with bias.

KlondikeGeoff
01-14-2009, 06:55 PM
"Bartender, give me a martini," Tom said dryly.

Every time Tom saw a keyhole, he peeked intuitively.

This is not a Swifty, but it's funny. Q: What is the definition of "innuendo? A: An Italian suppository.

BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed
01-14-2009, 07:30 PM
"J'ai une bonne rhume," said Tom fluently.

MOIDALIZE
01-14-2009, 07:55 PM
This is not a Swifty, but it's funny. Q: What is the definition of "innuendo? A: An Italian suppository.

Q. What do you call an Italian slum? A: A spaghetto. [/bad Italian joke hijack]

carnivorousplant
01-14-2009, 07:56 PM
"3.1415926535897932," said Tom piously.


Outstanding, Sir.

beowulff
01-14-2009, 08:18 PM
"3.1415926535897932," said Tom piously.

"2.71828183," Tom said eerily...

carnivorousplant
01-14-2009, 08:32 PM
"I can clean out drains with my mouth," Tom said succinctly.

The Wiki article swiped my joke!
:eek:

BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed
01-14-2009, 08:40 PM
"2.71828183," Tom said eerily...

"1.41421356," said Tom, beginning to root around for his calculator.

astorian
01-15-2009, 12:15 AM
"I support gun control," said Tom disarmingly.

commasense
01-15-2009, 01:24 AM
"Where's Garfunkel," Tom asked artlessly.

"Please excuse my flatulence," Tom said astutely.

"Yesterday was my last day as an eight-year-old," Tom said benignly.

"Those aren't my tooth marks, Susan," Tom said bitterly.

"I think I punched the hole for Pat Buchanan by mistake," Tom said devotedly.

"Yes, I come from Nevada," Tom said enviably.

"This is a real pea souper," Tom said foggily.

"I just downloaded a quartet on my iPod," Tom said fortunately.

"I couldn't eat another banana," Tom said fruitfully.

"I really miss the Princess of Monaco," Tom said gracelessly.

"I can never remember the words to that song," Tom said humbly.

"Ohh...ohhh..... ahhhh!" Tom said jerkily.

"This has never happened to me before...really," Tom said limply.

"I'd like two, no, three dozen long stemmed American Beauties, please," Tom said morosely.

"I oppose building that half-way house down the street," Tom said nimbly.


FYI, I made all these up myself. This page (http://www.websitestyle.com/parser/adverbs.shtml)is very helpful.

Full Metal Lotus
01-15-2009, 01:39 AM
"They weren't real bullets.", Tom said blankly.
"Add some grated lemon peel!" Tom said zestfully.

And a question. I don't recall reading Tom Swift; is the idea of the "Tom Swifty" based upon originals from the series?

msmith537
01-15-2009, 02:33 AM
"It's not over beetween us!" Tom exclaimed.

Malacandra
01-15-2009, 02:37 AM
"Square root of two?" asked Tom irrationally.

"I can't play the guitar," complained Tom fretfully.

"Now the Star Trek Transporter is a reality," Tom beamed.

"What do I look like, Tony Stark?" Tom said ironically.

Hilarity N. Suze
01-15-2009, 02:41 AM
"My feet hurt," Tom said flatly.

"I feel A-1 today," Tom said saucily.

"I'll trim the shrubbery tomorrow," Tom hedged.

"But...he's dead," Tom said stiffly.

TokyoBayer
01-15-2009, 09:09 AM
"I never wear boxers," said Tom briefly.

"I just got promoted in the army," said Tom disgruntledly.

D18
01-15-2009, 09:17 AM
"Hah! I'll bet your IQ is only 100!" Tom said meanly.

Annie-Xmas
01-15-2009, 09:36 AM
"I can name my son Adolph Hitler if I want to" said Tom fuhrerously

Stanislaus
01-15-2009, 10:05 AM
"At first glance, this does appear to be an side dish typical of British Indian cuisine," said Tom scandalously

"Could you save money on your car insurance?" asked Tom inadvertently

"Right, let's get this circumcision over with," said Tom briskly

"It's been a mixed season for the team," Tom said winsomely

"I wouldn't order the Irish salmon," said Tom officiously

...and now, a short tale of naval derring-do:

"I'm at the front of the boat now," said Tom proudly

"It's not a boat, you iggerant lubber, it's a three-masted sailing vessel." barked the Captain.

"There's no need to throw me in the brig," Tom said guardedly

"But hang on, this lock doesn't look very sophisticated," he added pickily

"So long, Captain, I'm jumping ship to swim to the Isle of Wight," said Tom insolently.

Annie-Xmas
01-15-2009, 10:09 AM
"I proved him wrong when he said I could not do it" said Tom candidly.

WF Tomba
01-15-2009, 10:27 AM
"What's that fly you're tying?" Tom said caddishly.

KneadToKnow
01-15-2009, 10:33 AM
"The lady who played Sophia wasn't really to my taste, but the lady who played Blanche was delicious," said Tom ruefully.

Malacandra
01-15-2009, 10:59 AM
'A Percheron, a Suffolk Punch, it's all the same to me,' said Tom hoarsely.

'I wouldn't play anything but a Bosendorfer,' Tom said grandly.

'...And this reduces to x - x, which is...?' said Tom naughtily.

'No daughter of mine is going out dressed like that!' said Tom a little tartly.

'What's this, the outside of a tree?' Tom barked.

WF Tomba
01-15-2009, 11:08 AM
"I might as well slit my throat," said Tom jocularly.

"Let's go hang out with Greg and Gary!" said Tom gregariously.

Chefguy
01-15-2009, 11:31 AM
"I've been working out," Tom said weightily.

"I've been putting on weight," Tom said expansively.

beowulff
01-15-2009, 12:33 PM
"Are you saying that the President is above the Law, Mr. Nixon?" Tom asked Frostily.
"I don't think we can break out of here," Tom said indefensibly.
"What is the name of that doggone star?" Tom asked seriously.
"My nose is running," Tom whispered secretly.

Annie-Xmas
01-15-2009, 12:40 PM
"I am definitely in favor of capital punishment" said Tom electrically

Chefguy
01-15-2009, 01:21 PM
"This zombie movie got bad reviews," Tom deadpanned.

gonzomax
01-15-2009, 01:24 PM
My Fav.
This is the best shrimp cocktail I ever had ,said Tom shellfishly.

beowulff
01-15-2009, 01:52 PM
"What's wrong with worshipping a paper bag?" Tom asked sacreligiously.

cochrane
01-15-2009, 01:54 PM
"Call a plumber!" Tom piped.

"Comb your hair," Tom snarled.

KneadToKnow
01-15-2009, 02:00 PM
"I am king," Tom dictated.

WF Tomba
01-15-2009, 02:30 PM
"I Pit myself!" Tom said self-pityingly.

Beware of Doug
01-15-2009, 02:39 PM
"This cat is not feeling well," Tom said musically.
"I don't like pictures on my walls," Tom said artlessly.
"I'll have another bourbon," Tom said mordantly.

Annie-Xmas
01-15-2009, 02:55 PM
"I need someone to inspire my art" Tom mused.

"This drink needs to be colder" said Tom icily.

devriend
01-15-2009, 03:48 PM
"Today's Tom Swiftie he gets high on you and the space he invades he gets by on you" said Tom in a Rush

"Memo to SNL: Fire all the writers." said Tom, forlorn.

"Turn around and eat your big ass biscuit!" yelled Tom with Gusto



"Got anything to cut the scotch?" asked Tom gingerly

"Koreans have such straight hair" said Tom, blushing.

"I'm the biggest fish in this small pond" said Tom coyly.

msmith537
01-15-2009, 03:59 PM
"I think Helium-Neon is far superior to YAG" Tom beamed lazily.

Sternvogel
01-15-2009, 04:41 PM
I don't recall reading Tom Swift; is the idea of the "Tom Swifty" based upon originals from the series?

As this Wikipedia entry (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_Swifties) puts it, the books' authors tried to avoid repeatedly writing "Tom said", and thus used other verbs ("cried", "stammered") as well as incorporating adverbs. While the examples from Tom Swift and His Airship do not incorporate puns, wags of the era quickly came up with the idea of using wordplay to parody the Stratemeyer Syndicate style.

Here is one (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=247480&highlight=%22homosexual+necrophilia%22) of several earlier threads on this topic.

Nzinga, Seated
01-15-2009, 05:01 PM
"Comb your hair," Tom snarled.

"I've brushed my hair too hard!" Tom bristled.

longPath
01-15-2009, 05:17 PM
Ron Howard has had a long career, Tom opined.

commasense
01-15-2009, 05:20 PM
Ron Howard has had a long career, Tom opined.I laughed out loud at this one!

Gangster Octopus
01-15-2009, 06:08 PM
"I have fond memories of PSV, Manchester United, Lazio, AC Milan, and Ajax," Stammered Tom.

Beware of Doug
01-15-2009, 06:47 PM
wags of the era quickly came up with the idea of using wordplay to parody the Stratemeyer Syndicate style."I dread the thought of reading about myself," Tom said stratospherically.

UncaStuart
01-15-2009, 11:48 PM
"Seeing how brief your shorts are, your member is quite visible," said Tom, his own participle dangling.

beowulff
01-16-2009, 11:05 AM
"I think we should have a ban on Tuna," Tom said proficiently.

Nzinga, Seated
01-16-2009, 11:08 AM
"I think we should have a ban on Tuna," Tom said proficiently.

Haaaaa!!!

KneadToKnow
01-16-2009, 11:21 AM
"Forget Alex Rodriguez, his brother Pedro really is something," Tom prodded.

Nunavut Boy
01-16-2009, 11:30 AM
"Scarlett: do I give a damn?" asked Tom, rhetorically
"It's time everyone knew that I prefer men," said Tom, fabulously
"Ferrous..let's see..is that 2+ or 3+?" wondered Tom, ironically.

Nunavut Boy
01-16-2009, 11:43 AM
1 more

"I hate Saskatchewan," Tom stated flatly

Annie-Xmas
01-16-2009, 11:46 AM
"I really like shows about NYC 20-somethings" said Tom friendly.

"I really like the Law & Order franchises" said Tom arrestingly.

"What's the news headline today?" asked Tom miraculously.

Amber in Treasury
01-16-2009, 12:31 PM
"Clean out my closet!" said Tom (Cruise), anally.

Amber in Treasury
01-16-2009, 12:51 PM
"Those body thetans give me engrams" said Tom clammily.

Lemur866
01-16-2009, 01:15 PM
"Cobblers!" Tom said at last.

Annie-Xmas
01-16-2009, 01:45 PM
"You pulled my arm out of its socket" said Tom disjointedly
"I love reading Reader's Digest while eating Campbell's soup" said Tom condensely

UncaStuart
01-16-2009, 03:20 PM
"I really liked Keanu in the Bill and Ted movies," said Tom woefully.

panache45
01-16-2009, 07:43 PM
"I think the cat needs to pee," Tom said, literally.

"To you he's President Carter; to me he's just Dad," Tom said amiably.

"No, my voice is not getting lower!" Tom flatly refused.

"No, I am not gay!" Tom said, with a straight face.

"Guess I'll settle for Secretary of State," Tom said hilariously.

"Nevermore," quoth Tom, ravenously.

SSG Schwartz
01-16-2009, 07:52 PM
"I have diarrhea," Tom gushed.
"There's no more weed left," Tom said stonily.
"Try some FDS," Tom said funkily.
"Tom thinks I'm frigid," she said icily.

SSG Schwartz

SSG Schwartz
01-17-2009, 01:01 AM
“I like Jessica Biel’s butt,” Tom said asininely.
“I’m into wife-swapping,” Tom said adulterously.
“Have you tried anal?” Tom prodded.
“My grandmother is kind of hot,” Tom said incestuously.

SSG Schwartz

Captain Klutz
01-17-2009, 04:12 AM
"I dropped out of school", Tom said classlessly.

"My foot's gone to sleep", Tom said comatosely.

"I've lost my wand", Tom said disenchantedly.

"The pigs are quiet", Tom said disgruntledly.

"I'm living under canvas", Tom said intently.

"Now turn by 90 degrees", Tom said normally.

"I've never been in a car crash", Tom said recklessly.

"I was laid off and I lost my job", Tom said redundantly.

Malacandra
01-17-2009, 08:15 AM
"I'm sick of this air pollution," Tom fumed.

"How about some little figurines for that bracelet?" Tom said charmingly.

"Pump that up and get the fire going!" Tom bellowed.

"Oh well, you lose some..." said Tom winsomely.

"This stretch of river's fished out," Tom said bleakly.

Annie-Xmas
01-17-2009, 08:41 AM
"My favorite actor is definitely Sylvester Stallone" said Tom, both rockily and rambuctously.

Malacandra
01-17-2009, 08:43 AM
"This looks like a Persian market!" Tom said bizarrely.

"Mind you, the Arabs know how to treat thieves," said Tom offhandedly.

"Only a German would talk like that about the woman who raised him," Tom muttered.

"Manners? I'm hungry and I'm in a hurry!" Tom scoffed.

"I used to make beer," Tom brooded.

"My favorite actor is definitely Sylvester Stallone" said Tom, both rockily and rambuctously.

...and slyly. :D

Annie-Xmas
01-17-2009, 12:56 PM
"My favorite character in Prison Break is T-Bag" said Tom offhandedly.

"I guess I have to take care of my sisters" said Scarlett, both sullenly and careenly.

The Laughing Pirate
01-17-2009, 02:16 PM
"Pass me the Spam", Tom said ham-handedly.

"In the town, where I was born, lived a man who sailed to sea", Tom said subversively.

Joe Kerrman
01-17-2009, 05:39 PM
"Say, Dorothy, your aunt is a smokin' hottie!" Tom said emphatically.

Beware of Doug
01-17-2009, 07:03 PM
"That Aniston chick is a skanky no-talent," Tom said disingenuously.
"But I'd swim nude with Carrie Bradshaw," Tom added serendipitously.

UncaStuart
01-17-2009, 08:44 PM
"No man is an island. Truly, no man is an island," said Tom redundantly.

Nzinga, Seated
01-17-2009, 10:30 PM
"I am going crow hunting," Tom said murderously.

I can't believe I have never heard of Tom Swifties in my whole life! Who has conspired to keep these from me for 35 years?

carnivorousplant
01-17-2009, 11:02 PM
Excellent, Nzinga!

"I never heard this before!" said Tom deafeningly.

don't ask
01-17-2009, 11:02 PM
"Of course you look good naked," said Tom stiffly.

"I can take all of your huge penis," said Tom manfully.

"My favorite band is Radiohead," said Tom creepily.

"That guy looks like a terrorist," Tom exploded.

"Because I'm an asshole," said Tom leerily.

Nzinga, Seated
01-17-2009, 11:24 PM
Excellent, Nzinga!

"I never heard this before!" said Tom deafeningly.

I think I'm getting the hang of it, carnivorous.

"You really think I look smashing?" asked Tom bashfully.

MisterThyristor
01-17-2009, 11:43 PM
"You better tell me where Ms. Buzzi went," said Tom ruthlessly.

SSG Schwartz
01-17-2009, 11:46 PM
“I can channel Raymond Burr,” said Tom experimentally.

“Someone had his dick in the desert again,” Tom said fucking disgusted.


SSG Schwartz

carnivorousplant
01-18-2009, 12:13 AM
"You really think I look smashing?" asked Tom bashfully.

You're good, Lady. :)

Captain Klutz
01-18-2009, 05:40 AM
"It's the Spanish Inquisition", Tom said unexpectedly.

"It's the Venus de Milo", Tom said disarmingly.

"This stars Linda Lovelace", Tom said throatily.

"It's a Clint Eastwood movie", Tom said unforgivingly.

"Let's watch Snow White", Tom said happily. And bashfully. And grumpily. And ...

"It sounds like an accordion", Tom bellowed.

"That's no upright", Tom said grandly.

"It's of the form 2n+1", Tom said unevenly.

"I can read Braille", Tom said with feeling.

"I'm doing a side step", Tom said crabbily.

"It's Heisenberg", Tom said uncertainly.

"I couldn't hit the side of a barn", Tom said aimlessly.

"The Minotaur is here somewhere", Tom said amazedly.

"That defence lawyer is very attractive", Tom said appealingly.

"Medusa is one heck of a looker", Tom said stonily.

"It took two goes, but I got all ten pins", Tom said sparingly.

"These depth charges are useless", Tom said submissively.

"I had to siphon the septic tank", Tom said successfully.

"I got her the underwire type", Tom said supportively.

"The knight seems to be stuck to the chessboard", Tom said surprisingly.

"I like lawn bowls", said Tom with his usual bias.

"My illness isn't hereditary", Tom said ungenially.

"I don't want the small pieces of cheese", Tom said ungratefully.

"That fortune teller isn't very good", Tom said unpredictably.

"Send the SOS again", Tom said remorsefully.

"I crushed the grapes", Tom said whinily.

"I've received an inheritance", Tom said willingly.

"That's strangely appropriate", Tom Swiftied.

Malacandra
01-18-2009, 06:13 AM
"Goodyear or Firestone?" asked Tom tiredly.

"That looks like it belongs in a chemistry lab!" Tom retorted.

"I feel like a king in a Shakespeare tragedy," Tom leered.

"Whatever happed to the accusative case?" Tom objected.

chromaticity
01-18-2009, 06:18 AM
"You made me change the labels on the CDs" Tom remarked.
"Dont leave the champagne open" Tom said flatly.
"Whats a Tom Swiftie" Tom said loopily.

Beware of Doug
01-18-2009, 07:40 AM
"ENL4RGE Y0UR PEN1S," said Tom ebulliently.
"I miss Miss Fuentes," said Tom lackadaisically.
"That woman is really a man," said Tom, cocksure.

casdave
01-18-2009, 08:35 AM
Gangster Octopus
"I have fond memories of PSV, Manchester United, Lazio, AC Milan, and Ajax," Stammered Tom.

Now that is very good, too good for all those Americans I suspect.



"This is the second time I've sued him" Tom retorted.

"I'm going to tell you a story about a man who never arrived on time" Related Tom.

"We really did find this little creature inside that boil we lanced toady" Tom was insistant.

" No thanks, I prefer Naan breads and Chapatis with my meal" said Tom derisively.

"Ooo, chinese junk has caprized right over" Tom said delightedly

Unauthorized Cinnamon
01-18-2009, 09:44 AM
This is also the first I've heard of these (Tom said initially). Fun!"I never wear boxers," said Tom briefly."And no one should wear briefs," Tom commanded

"I'm really a beaver," Tom said accidentally

"That's no moon," Tom said Wanly.

Some of these went over my head until I realized my pronunciation was different from the author's (succinct, derisive).

OtakuLoki
01-18-2009, 10:05 AM
"I am going crow hunting," Tom said murderously.

Well played! :D




"I have a nosebleed," Tom gushed.

Left Hand of Dorkness
01-18-2009, 01:46 PM
"Well, if you're Catholic, and you had a hamburger for lunch on Friday...." Tom insinuated.

mikeargo
01-18-2009, 02:09 PM
"You used that excuse last month," Tom said periodically.

Beware of Doug
01-18-2009, 02:34 PM
"Turkish baths reduce belly fat," Tom said abstemiously.
"I voted for Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lim-bus-stop-f'tang-f'tang-olé-biscuitbarrel," Tom said superciliously.
"Only an idiot would spell 'Breath Savers' with a 'w'!" Tom said vehemently.

Left Hand of Dorkness
01-18-2009, 02:37 PM
"I voted for Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lim-bus-stop-f'tang-f'tang-olé-biscuitbarrel," Tom said superciliously.
:D

Malacandra
01-18-2009, 04:33 PM
"Perfect, imperfect, past historic, future... who cares?" Tom said tensely.
"For hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee!" Tom wailed.
"Yes, I have a card of the same rank," Tom snapped (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snap_(card_game)).
"It's the ratio of the opposite side to the hypotenuse," Tom signed.
"Male bees... male bees... male bees..." Tom droned.
"It's your birthday tomorrow, son. You won't be eight any more," said Tom benignly.

SSG Schwartz
01-18-2009, 04:49 PM
“I put the tent peg through my foot,” Tom said painstakingly.

“I’ll just stay in prison,” Tom said guardedly.

“This place looks exactly like the other place where I park my boat,” Tom said paradoxically.


SSG Schwartz

UncaStuart
01-18-2009, 09:02 PM
"I wish Dr. Barnaard had been able to finish the job," said Tom halfheartedly.

Rico
01-18-2009, 11:08 PM
"Pass the Angostura," Tom said bitterly.

UncaStuart
01-19-2009, 12:04 AM
I don't care for Mary Ann at all," said Tom gingerly.

SSG Schwartz
01-19-2009, 12:18 AM
“The Stand is my favorite book,” Tom said superfluously.

“I farted,” said Alex P. Keaton’s sister, malodorously.

“Keanu Reaves took me underwater in a boat,” Tom said subduedly.

SSG Schwartz

beowulff
01-19-2009, 12:21 AM
“The Stand is my favorite book,” Tom said superfluously.
SSG Schwartz

Hey, that's good!

carnivorousplant
01-19-2009, 12:44 AM
Hey, that's good!

I don't get it.

BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed
01-19-2009, 02:45 AM
I don't get it.

The Stand opens with a massive illness that wipes out most of the human race.

Annie-Xmas
01-19-2009, 08:29 AM
"I am going to throw this pumpkin" said Tom smashingly.

Annie-Xmas
01-19-2009, 10:32 AM
“The Stand is my favorite book,” Tom said superfluously.



"I am the Captain when it comes to treating the superflu epidemic" Tom said trippingly.

Left Hand of Dorkness
01-19-2009, 11:12 AM
"Err...can someone tell me if there's an evil wizard growing from the back of my head?" Tom asked querulously.

Nzinga, Seated
01-19-2009, 11:27 AM
"Geez, you've been hanging out all night!" Tom said crossly.

Annie-Xmas
01-19-2009, 11:35 AM
"I prefer not to use iron golf clubs" said Tiger, woodenly x 2.

Malacandra
01-19-2009, 12:00 PM
"I prefer not to use iron golf clubs" said Tiger, woodenly x 2.

"Well, you can't hit a drive without one of these," Tom teased.
"Should've used your Number Five," Tom said ironically.

"I can too make leather into a horse harness!" Tom bridled.

"That's bigger than it used to be," Tom groaned.

"That grass was fresh-cut yesterday," Tom moaned.

Annie-Xmas
01-19-2009, 12:03 PM
"Two geese brought a plane down?" asked Tom, gagglingly.

SSG Schwartz
01-19-2009, 05:20 PM
"I am the Captain when it comes to treating the superflu epidemic" Tom said trippingly.

I like that.

SSG Schwartz

Jenaroph
01-19-2009, 05:28 PM
"My protective eyewear, it does nothing!" Tom goggled.

Annie-Xmas
01-19-2009, 05:29 PM
"I shall have to search for a better pair on the Internet" Tom goggled.

Bootis
01-19-2009, 05:35 PM
"I have no idea who chopped down this tree" Said Tom, stumped.

"I keep dreaming I'm a young Dr. Frankenstein with a factory full of Oompa Loopmas" Said Tom, bewildered.

"I'm ready Scotty, energize!"; Tom beamed.

Annie-Xmas
01-19-2009, 05:39 PM
"I shall have to search for a better pair on the Internet" Tom goggled.

That was supposed to read:

"I shall have to search for a better pair on the Interet" Tom googled.

Yumblie
01-20-2009, 12:02 AM
"Hey! Down here!" Tom bellowed.

"A triangle has three of these" Tom sighed.

"I'm going out with my boyfriend tonight" Tom mandated.

"Captain, our torpedoes failed to hit the target" Tom said submissively.

"What is it you're looking for, Ahab?" Tom wailed.

"It's $4 to pass through here" Tom told everyone.

And there's the classic that I can't believe hasn't been mentioned yet:

"I'd like a hot dog" said Tom, relishing the thought.

Captain Klutz
01-20-2009, 05:17 AM
"I voted against same sex marriage", Tom said with gay abandon.

"That's right, in fact, more than right", Tom said obtusely.

"I'll have some lamb and mutton", Tom bleated.

"I've been hit by someone in the rowing team", Tom said awestruck.

"I can still capture your pawn", Tom said in passing.

"I can't eat another lion", Tom said, swollen with pride.

"I have an extra chromosome", Tom said, feeling Down.

"Those clouds look threatening", Tome said precipitately.

"They're related to Mersenne primes", Tom said perfectly.

"I'm feeling negative today". Tom said nonplussed.

"They're safety arrows". Tom said pointlessly.

"Aaaaah ... Oh", Tom said prematurely.

"It's a men only club", Tom said gently.

"We should say a few words before supper", Tom said gracefully.

"Hold the water", Tom said neatly.

"It's the first 2 digit number", Tom said often.

"This is complex stuff", Tom said really and imaginatively.

"It's aleph one", Tom said unaccountably.

"We do it every seven days", Tome said weakly.

"Let them eat cake", Tom said commonly.

"He just joined the army", Tom said privately.

"I'll have the cheap coffee", Tom said instantly.

"Darn these socks", Tom said needily.

"I'm seeing the doctor", Tom said patiently.

"What's the difference between the two ends of a battery?", Tom asked potentially.

"Keep going in a clockwise direction", Tom said rightfully.

"That's harder than diamond", Tom said unimpressively.

"I really need five kids", Tom said quintessentially.

Martini Enfield
01-20-2009, 05:44 AM
"We'll be at cruising altitude soon" observed Tom flightily.

"The battery goes in the other way around" noted Tom positively.

"Those photos didn't come out very well at all" Tom shot back negatively.

"I love bacon!" Tom rashly declared.

Annie-Xmas
01-20-2009, 08:22 AM
"I prefer Batma's alter ego," said Bruce, wanly.
"I always know which way the wind blows," said Tom, vainly.
"Now and forever really wasn't" sneered Tom, cattily.
"I didn't do so well in the musical about the French revolution," moaned Tom, miserably.
"I'm starring in the musical prequel to the Wizard of Oz," said Tom, wickedly.
"I don't know if I want to do a Cy Coleman musical," said Tom, seesawingly.
"I didn't get to see the musical about Vietnam and now its--oh, sigh, gone," said Tom, missingly.
"I would not pay one penny to see the inaurguration," declared Tom, niggardly,.

Annie-Xmas
01-20-2009, 02:45 PM
"Is this the line for the musical with all the puppets?" asked Tom as he queued up on the avenue.

Nzinga, Seated
01-20-2009, 04:09 PM
"I would not pay one penny to see the inaurguration," declared Tom, niggardly,.

Despite knowing what niggardly means, I can't seem to understand the pun you are going for here. Can you help?

Left Hand of Dorkness
01-20-2009, 04:15 PM
Okay, not to be a jerk (well, maybe to be a jerk), but some of these aren't Tom Swifties. Using a word that's closely related to the concept of the quote doesn't count. If you're not punning, you're not Tom Swifting. The less related it is, the better.

"A triangle has three of these" Tom sighed.
GOOD

"My protective eyewear, it does nothing!" Tom goggled.
BAD

Also, if you're not using an adverb (or adverbial phrase, or synonym for "said") that makes sense, it's a lousy Tom Swiftie.

"I can't eat another lion", Tom said, swollen with pride.
AWESOME

"I shall have to search for a better pair on the Interet" Tom googled.
WHAT?

Finally, Annie, that was some bad taste, unless you really weren't going there.

Daniel

carnivorousplant
01-20-2009, 08:46 PM
Despite knowing what niggardly means, I can't seem to understand the pun you are going for here. Can you help?

Meaning "grudgingly supplied" according to Mr. Webster, but certainly in poor taste to mention the inauguration given the obvious homonym.

Nzinga, Seated
01-20-2009, 11:32 PM
Meaning "grudgingly supplied" according to Mr. Webster, but certainly in poor taste to mention the inauguration given the obvious homonym.

Yeah, I know what it means. I honestly didn't get the pun part. I'm not being deliberately obtuse (I love that phrase, learned it on the dope).

The only way I could figure that it could work as a Swifty is if she was calling the President a nigger. Now, if she was, I realize she is joking, and that is fine. I'm not mad at her for that, I am just really amazed!

Captain Klutz
01-21-2009, 01:39 AM
"I'm going scuba diving despite the sewage spill", Tom said undeterred.

"That deserves a prize", Tom said nobly.

"The big bad wolf is coming", Tom said huffily.

"I don't need a comb", Tom said baldly.

"The doctor cancelled my visit", Tom said, disappointed

"My investments have failed", Tom said, disinterested.

"This book needs recovering", Tom said spinelessly.

"This trick doesn't work", Tom said, disillusioned.

"I don't like Microsoft Windows", Tom said, pained.

"They're all leaning over the fence", Tom said, not so inclined.

"I didn't use my ace", Tom said with finesse.

"The prisoner's climbing down the wall", Tom said condescendingly.

"I've been ionized", Tom said positively or negatively.

"I'll get my parasol", Tom said shadily.

"It's agent 86", Tom said smartly.

"I was told it was a seabird", Tom said gullibly.

"I'll be asking questions later", Tom said testily.

"I'm swimming across Egypt", Tom said in denial.

"I'm swimming through Paris", Tom said, insane.

"Don't put the coffin back in", Tom said unrehearsed.

"It's about fuel", Tom repeated.

"Put it through Dracula's liver", Tom said mistakenly.

"My pencil's not writing very well", Tom said bluntly.

"It's a superconductor", Tom said irresistibly.

"Why is Mary being carried by a clown", Tom said, vergin' on the ridiculous.

"I broke up with my Chinese girlfriend", Tom said, disoriented.

"I've had brain surgery", Tom said open mindedly.

"It's a flying machine", Tom said plainly.

"There's something in this neck ornament", Tom said independently.

"I pulled the wrong tooth", Tom said accidentally.

"Game point", Tom said advantageously.

"I don't like poems", Tom said adversely.

"I woke up on time", Tom said alarmedly.

"I prefer cartoons", Tom said animatedly.

"We need the spare wheel", Tom said flatly.

"I like to watch nuns", Tom said habitually.

"I was also correct on the previous 3 occasions", Tom said forthrightly.



"It's pining for the fjords", Tom parroted.

"We're from the University of Woolloomooloo", Bruce said philosophically.



Finally, here are some cricket ones:


"We've batted long enough", Tom declared.

"Why did I leave my ground", Tom said, stumped.

"How many deliveries do you have left", Tom said, overly confused.

"You're out", Tom said dismissively.

"The wicket's broken", Tom said balefully.

"He's caught in the slips", Tom said edgily.

Malacandra
01-21-2009, 02:25 AM
Yeah, I know what it means. I honestly didn't get the pun part. I'm not being deliberately obtuse (I love that phrase, learned it on the dope).

The only way I could figure that it could work as a Swifty is if she was calling the President a nigger. Now, if she was, I realize she is joking, and that is fine. I'm not mad at her for that, I am just really amazed!

The charitable interpretation I was putting on it was that Tom, in that incarnation, was a racist and hence too bitter, rather than too mean, to pay to watch a "nigger" being inaugurated. The trouble is that "niggardly" isn't an adverb, it's an adjective. :)

Captain Klutz
01-21-2009, 07:06 AM
Okay, not to be a jerk (well, maybe to be a jerk), but some of these aren't Tom Swifties. Using a word that's closely related to the concept of the quote doesn't count. If you're not punning, you're not Tom Swifting. The less related it is, the better.
Well, you can do a word that's closely related and do a pun. For example:

"I was laid off and I lost my job", Tom said redundantly.

This may have lost something in the translation: in Australia, being made redundant is another way of saying that you have been laid off. So "redundantly" actually makes sense as normal English, but also works as a pun.

It could have been done as a pure Tom Swifty: ' "I was laid off", Tom said redundantly'. But I like the double meaning in the original.

carnivorousplant
01-21-2009, 08:39 AM
I honestly didn't get the pun part.

That's because while I think it meets the requirements, it isn't funny. For example, "Ya'll come back now, you hear?" Tom drawled. :)

Beware of Doug
01-21-2009, 09:40 AM
"Who stole my toothbrush?" Tom bristled.
"Anybody like surf rock?" Tom ventured.
"You'll probably crack the block in that old Ford," Tom bloviated.

Redwing
01-21-2009, 09:56 AM
"Well I gunned down my dad," Tom's son shot off.

Chef Troy
01-21-2009, 04:29 PM
"Help! My sidewalk lemonade kiosk has collapsed on me!" said Tom understandingly.

"There's a prisoner climbing down that rope!" Tom said condescendingly.

"I have a bell up my ass," Tom chimed in.

"I just set a male insect on fire," Tom said flamboyantly.

Malacandra
01-21-2009, 05:21 PM
"I just set a male insect on fire," Tom said flamboyantly.

Nice! :D

Captain Klutz
01-22-2009, 01:49 AM
"It's for my girlfriend", Tom said misgivingly.

"This safety glass isn't very well made", Tom said bad temperedly.

"Stop the rocket engines". Tom said ballistically.

"Sweeny Todd is back in business", Tom said barbarously.

"The arm bone's connected to the, wrist bone", Tom said beforehand.

"I'll have a beer", Tom said bitterly.

"She's a loose woman", Tom said broadly.

"This silly costume sometimes gets in the way", Batman said capably.

"I finally get the front end", Tom said bullheadedly.

"It's Mister Spock's timepiece", Tom said chronologically.

"The Glencoe massacre was fate", Tom said clandestinely.

"I can't find my detective game", Tom said cluelessly.

"Give the prisoner a chair", Tom said conceitedly.

"The prisoner has been recaptured", Tom said confoundedly.

"We'll work this scam together", Tom said conjointly.

"I'm just starting my model T", Tom said crankily.

"I'm doing the ironing", Tom said decreasingly.

"He reminds me of Clint", Tom said eastwardly.

"You can have those five kids for nothing", Tom said frequently.

"It's been drawn out too long", Tom said sketchily.

"I saw the Grand Canyon", Tom said gorgeously.

"The gold coating has worn off", Tom said guiltlessly.

"I have a void", Tom said heartlessly.

"River horses have stupid short legs and big dumb mouths", Tom said hypocritically.

"That chicken has lost its beak", Tom said impeccably.

"I've fixed the air conditioner", Tom said inventively.

"I've lost my yellow and white flower ", Tom said lackadaisically.

"I'm no Oskar Schindler", Tom said listlessly.

"This sawn timber is hard to carry", Tom said lumberingly.

"I'm sorting the large writing quills from the small ones", Tom said pensively.

"This is the best writing implement ever made", Tom said penultimately.

"I'm just an average guy", Tom said meanly.

"The gourd has given him a belly ache", Tom said melancholically.

"I'm determined to win this auction", Tom said morbidly.

"It's so the auctioneer can see it", Tom said forbiddingly.

"I'm just doing my job as a lawyer", Tom said objectively.

"I don't care if Dracula gets hurt", Tom said painstakingly.

"There's a choir on the jetty", Tom said piercingly.

"It's the season for giving", Tom said presently.

"I'm in favour of sowing", Tom said proceedingly.

"I like Poe's poems", Tom said ravenously.

"There are some poems about the Nautilus", Tom said subversively.

"Double the number of Beefeaters", Tom said regardfully.

"We need to build another defensive ditch", Tom said remotely.

"You should get naked again", Tom said renewedly.

"Yes, I mailed it again, this time the whole thing", Tom said resentfully.

"I've got nowhere to build my house", Tom said sightlessly.

"Jack Newton was a great golfer", Tom said singlehandedly.

"I've loosely stitched it all the way around", Tom said tactfully.

"I've got high cards, but there are gaps", Tom said tenaciously.

"It's like comparing a hovercraft to a car", Tom said tirelessly.

"There's only one stanza", Tom said universally.

"We're one game up", Tom said vulnerably.

"It's taking him a long time to get here", Tom said weightily.

"Let's play a card game with no bidding", Tom said wistfully.

"She only has a single bodice/skirt combination", Tom said wondrously.

"I'll just have some bread", Tom said wryly.

"Hold on to the safety rail and step from joist to joist", Tom said flawlessly.

"Of course I can make another mark", Tom said remarkably.

"It's a bone from the shoulder to the elbow", Tom said humorously.

"We need to measure this angle", Tom said protractedly.

"Wow, that really gave kitty a lift", Tom said catatonically.

"We don't have any enclosed yards", Tom said defencelessly.

"That pony is drooling", Tom said hospitably.



And finally, one that isn't quite a Tom Swifty (the pun is in the setup):

"I'm looking for the guy who shot me paw", the lion said limply.

commasense
01-22-2009, 12:01 PM
Excellent work, Captain Klutz!

But I would have enjoyed them a lot more if you had put the commas inside the quotes, where they belong. :D (One of my pet peeves.)

Nzinga, Seated
01-22-2009, 12:37 PM
Gotdamn, Captain Klutz! Well done!

Captain Klutz
01-23-2009, 12:52 AM
But I would have enjoyed them a lot more if you had put the commas inside the quotes, where they belong. :D (One of my pet peeves.)
I've seen that rule, but it depends on which side of the ocean you are on (for example, http://grammartips.homestead.com/inside.html)

Still, this isn't a good place to discuss that point, Tom said punctually.

cjepson
01-23-2009, 11:05 AM
"Wow, you really inhaled those huevos rancheros," Tom said exasperatedly.

"I just got elected to the U.S. House of Representatives," Tom said incongruously.

"OK, I've put on the tourniquet," Tom said staunchly.

"How about some foreplay?" Tom said, predictably.

"I fell into the deep fryer," Tom said indefatigably.

"This next comment is in regard to my three brothers, Peter, Edward, and Lee," Tom said repeatedly.

"Anyone with half an ear could tell that that singer is out of tune," Tom said semiotically.

(OK, this is getting ridiculous...)

cjepson
01-23-2009, 11:12 AM
"Feeling those things crawling on me gave me the shivers," Tom said fleetingly.

Captain Klutz
01-24-2009, 09:25 AM
"Give one to each of my companion animals", Tom said perpetually.

"The two thousand dollars has slipped through my fingers", Tom said, not feeling too grand.

"There is no sign of land", Tom said unsurely.

"I'm ten years old", Tom said decadently.

"He's a pied piper for girls", Tom said misleadingly.

"I'm in favour of action words", Tom said proverbially.

"Make it so", Tom said enterprisingly.

"An unassisted brain transplant!", Tom reminded himself.

"I encountered a new country", Vespucci said metamerically.

Nzinga, Seated
01-24-2009, 10:52 AM
"Give one to each of my companion animals", Tom said perpetually.

"The two thousand dollars has slipped through my fingers", Tom said, not feeling too grand.

"There is no sign of land", Tom said unsurely.

"I'm ten years old", Tom said decadently.

"He's a pied piper for girls", Tom said misleadingly.

"I'm in favour of action words", Tom said proverbially.

"Make it so", Tom said enterprisingly.

"An unassisted brain transplant!", Tom reminded himself.

"I encountered a new country", Vespucci said metamerically.

Captain, you are scaring me. It took me days to come up with just 4 of these things.

ETA: The brain transplant one is killing me.

Malacandra
01-24-2009, 11:57 AM
"There's no toilet in the whole place," Tom said unnecessarily.

"I'm doing your exam scoring over again," Tom remarked.

"The wind was violent a moment ago - now it's dropped altogether," Tom said disgustedly.

Beware of Doug
01-24-2009, 12:36 PM
"I've invented an internet flowerpot," Tom said evasively.
"And I'm working on a robot dachshund," Tom said dogmatically.
"My car is so cheap, I dinged the hood by pushing it down with the fingertips of both hands," Tom said tendentiously.
"Watch me hit that guy in the ass when I tee off," Tom said with malice aforethought.
"Someday I might like raising sheep," Tom said, woolgathering.

Annie-Xmas
01-24-2009, 12:41 PM
"Someone started a Straight Dope Message Board thread using my name," said Hal Briston, sheepishly.

OtakuLoki
01-24-2009, 12:43 PM
"Someone started a Straight Dope Message Board thread using my name," said Hal Briston, sheepishly.

You win the thread! :D

Jake
01-24-2009, 01:18 PM
"That's a lot of electricity" Tom said amply
"I'm afraid!" Tom said discouragedly

Annie-Xmas
01-26-2009, 08:16 AM
"I'm gonna be a pimp and get me a stable of hookers," said Tom, hoardingly.

"I'm gonna take some hallucinagenics," said Tom, acidically.

"I ripped my foreskin on my zipper," said Tom, dictorially.

Martini Enfield
01-26-2009, 08:19 AM
"Bugger, I've missed my train!" exclaimed Tom, belatedly.

UncaStuart
01-27-2009, 10:19 AM
"The 2000 Florida vote was a mess!" Tom recounted.

"Gift horses are not the only livestock one shouldn't look in the mouth, said Tom occidentally.

"I really pwnd Tricky Dick," said Tom frostily.

Malacandra
01-27-2009, 02:13 PM
"Life is not like a fairy story," Tom said grimly.

"Only a fool takes cocaine!" Tom snorted.

"Scoop all the water out of the boat," Tom said balefully.

"Developing is included in the price of the film, but printing isn't," Tom said negatively.