Are you (females) okay with being called "Ma'am"?

[toadbriar]

Is "Ma'am" an age thing? If so, what age? Is it a social status thing, where it might be meant earnestly to a well-to-do lady, but seems sarcastic to a shabbier woman? Are you okay with being addressed as "Ma'am"? If so, were you always, or did you have to grow into it? Have you ever corrected someone who addressed you so?

Gentlemen: with whom do you use the word "ma'am" and why?

I'm curious to hear from folks from a variety of english-speaking backgrounds.

I've been ma'amed at 34, but I've also been carded to buy liquor, so it all evens out.

To me it's how you'd address a woman ranging from matronly to elderly. It seems like I only ever hear it on police programs on tv, or rarely in real life by a retail employee addressing a customer who forgot a bag or something. I'm from the northeast US.

[Broomstick]

I am perfectly happy with "ma'am" as a respectful form of address by strangers who don't know my name.

What alternative would you suggest anyhow?

[olivesmarch4th]

Ma'am works for me. I'm 25.

[hawksgirl]

I don't like it in my "normal" life, running errands and stuff. I don't feel like that form of address fits my age and how I see myself I guess? But when I'm substitute teaching it doesn't bother me unless they're being snotty. I'm 22 and they usually think I'm in my 30's or older. Because, teachers have to be old, ya know.

I'm in California

[Zsofia]

It may be regional - I'm Southern, and it doesn't bother me, but it does make me feel ancient. It's expected from salespeople and the like.

[Alice The Goon]

I much prefer Miss.

[carnivorousplant]

I am perfectly happy with "ma'am" as a respectful form of address by strangers who don't know my name.


As I was taught to do by Mama Plant. I am from Arkansas.
My situation is further complicated by working a public service desk at a Library some 15 years, where I called anyone in front of the desk "Sir" or "M'am". :)

[bobkitty]

Hate, hate, hate, HATE. We have a new intern at work, probably ~22, and that was the first thing I told her to get rid of. I told her I understood that it was a regional thing (I'm from MA, she's born-n-bred Georgian), but that I was already super-sensitive about my age and the ma'am thing didn't help. Amusingly, later on in the day she called one of my coworkers- former military, definitely more of an age where it would be appropriate- sir, and he told her the same thing. :D

It is a very ingrained regional thing here; anyone in a position of authority or above the age of 30 gets called ma'am. I never used it growing up (moved here when I was 22), but have picked it up when talking to anyone over the age of 60 or when trying to get someone's attention (ie, the bag thing).

[Scarlett67]

It sure beats "bitch," "hey you," "you guys," and "sir" (which I honest to God once got at the DMV -- though I had very short hair at the time, I was in the habit of wearing dangly earrings and makeup and was, I think, rather obviously female).

I vaguely remember the first time I was taken by surprise at being called "ma'am" rather than "miss," but I'm not hung up on age. People have guessed my age widely off in both directions, and hey, time marches on. So what?

ETA: Forgot to add, I'm 41.

[elfkin477]

I don't like it very much. Ms is perferable.

[Teaira]

I hate being called ma'am. It happens a lot to me at work (I have a customer service job).

I'm 21, and look it, so I guess it is just another form of address. But I'd rather be called Miss.

[Pyper]

It would strike me as a bit odd to be addressed as "ma'am." I get called "miss" or "senorita." I can't recall ever being "ma'am"ed, but I wouldn't get all huffy about it.

Here's a related question: at what age does it become inappropriate to address a woman as "miss"?

[Karyn]

When I was younger I never minded if strangers that needed to get my attention used it but the first time a teenager at the shelter called me Ma'am it surprised me because it does have age connotation to me that wasn't pleasant to consider. I had to stop and realize that since he looked like a kid to me then I looked like a ma'am to him. Now it doesn't bother me at all. It's better than 'hey lady'.

[Ferret Herder]

I use "Ma'am" to address women at my workplace (a medical center) if I don't know their names and they are patients at our facility. "Miss" may imply that I'm talking down to them, it seems to me. I want to show respect for our patients. (If I know your name, then I'll use "Ms/Mrs/Miss Lastname" as appropriate.) I would use "Miss" if speaking to a little girl, or to someone who verbally objected to "Ma'am".

For coworkers I use their first name, while doctors get called "Dr. Lastname" - well, to their faces at least. ;)

[Manda JO]

Doesn't bother me at all, but I was raised pretty far south (mostly Alabama). Can't stand "Miss".

[Cat Whisperer]

I don't like it, but that's just because of the history behind it. Around these parts, the only time I get called "ma'am" is when someone is condescending to me or trying to tell me white is black and I'm blind for not seeing it. It is very much a loaded word here.

[carnivorousplant]

Here's a related question: at what age does it become inappropriate to address a woman as "miss"?

Here "Miss" is a respectful form of address, usually by a child to an older female they know very well. Also used to refer to an associate at work.

[Jragon]

"sir"

I apologize in advance if you meet me in real life and I say this to you. In marching band we were conditioned to say "sir" to the person giving commands regardless of the person's gender, that said I try to not use it, and succeed 99% of the time.

I'm 21, and look it, so I guess it is just another form of address. But I'd rather be called Miss.

For me "ma'am" is anyone over, say, 12 (or otherwise looks like they've probably gone through or have at least somewhat progressed in puberty). To me it's the opposite, "ma'am" doesn't imply "old" so much as "miss" implies really, really young. I don't know where I got this, I grew up in Wisconsin for about 8 years and then lived the rest of my life in Arizona and it's certainly not entirely common in either area I grew up in.

Edit: I have a feeling my aversion to "miss" was because it always grated me and my teachers whenever a kid (and it was usually the delinquent ones) called them "miss" instead of "Ms./Mrs./Miss <name>". So I spent a good portion of my life avoiding just calling people "miss."

[Glory]

Both my parents are Texan, I grew up mostly in the South - sir/ma'am is engrained. In my experience, it isn't really related to age, it's related to respect. So, of course you would use sir/ma'am with someone older, to show respect, but it would also be used for sales clerks, people assisting you, etc. If I used it, it would have very little to do with the age of the recipient. I am always a little surprised when someone says it makes them feel old! n my experience, it's just a courteous way of addressing someone, that's it.

[Hockey Monkey]

Both my parents are Texan, I grew up mostly in the South - sir/ma'am is engrained. In my experience, it isn't really related to age, it's related to respect. So, of course you would use sir/ma'am with someone older, to show respect, but it would also be used for sales clerks, people assisting you, etc. If I used it, it would have very little to do with the age of the recipient. I am always a little surprised when someone says it makes them feel old! n my experience, it's just a courteous way of addressing someone, that's it.

North Carolinian here and it's this exactly. I expect to be called ma'am by children, teens, and salespeople. I yes ma'am and no ma'am my mom and granny and salespeople.

[Zsofia]

I don't like it very much. Ms is perferable.
But you wouldn't even use "Ms" in the places you'd use "Ma'am". Nobody says "Excuse me, Mizz..." I want to be addressed as "Dear Ms Z", but in person you should call me "Ma'am" if you're an adult or a child, and "Miss" if you're, like, seven, or you're treating me like I'm seven. "Miss" isn't for adult women.

[Scarlett67]

I apologize in advance if you meet me in real life and I say this to you. In marching band we were conditioned to say "sir" to the person giving commands regardless of the person's gender, that said I try to not use it, and succeed 99% of the time.

Honest question, no snark intended: Were you really so strongly conditioned that you could not help calling everyone "sir" in a non-marching-band situation? That if a woman drops her purse at the grocery store, you have to really try not to get her attention by saying, "Excuse me, sir, you dropped your purse"?

Geez, and I thought MY band director was a hardass.

:dubious: :D

[Jragon]

Honest question, no snark intended: Were you really so strongly conditioned that you could not help calling everyone "sir" in a non-marching-band situation? That if a woman drops her purse at the grocery store, you have to really try not to get her attention by saying, "Excuse me, sir, you dropped your purse"?

Geez, and I thought MY band director was a hardass.

:dubious: :D

Like I said, I succeed in not using it 99% of the time, the other 1% is where I just got out of practice or the person looked really, really freaking butch. (I just thought it would be a good thing to post, I took logic out of my anecdote dropping years ago)

Edit: But our band director WAS a hardass, he has made several people cry, numerous times, in one practice. He also would conveniently "forget" to give us water breaks or that it was time to leave...

[CAT=^..^=]

It has never bothered me. I was probably in my mid-twenties the first time I heard it. I was a substitute teacher at the time, so hearing Ma'am was better than a lot of the other things, that I am sure I was called behind my back.

When I was a Nanny I was called "Mrs." Married Last Name. The funniest part about that is that I wasn't even married at the time, and wouldn't be for about 2 years. They thought it would be less confusing for the baby who was only 3 months old when I started to learn just one name. So, I got used to my married name way in advance of actually owning it. Good thing we didn't break up!

[Silver Tyger]

27 here. It doesn't bother me. I use ma'am for people who are older than me or in charge someway (so, my boss who is a year younger sometimes get called ma'am).

[CrazyCatLady]

Both my parents are Texan, I grew up mostly in the South - sir/ma'am is ingrained. In my experience, it isn't really related to age, it's related to respect. So, of course you would use sir/ma'am with someone older, to show respect, but it would also be used for sales clerks, people assisting you, etc. If I used it, it would have very little to do with the age of the recipient. I am always a little surprised when someone says it makes them feel old! n my experience, it's just a courteous way of addressing someone, that's it.

Kentuckian, and I'll third this.

And as others have pointed out, it beats the hell out of "hey, you."

Or, as my husband puts it, if only someone would call me that without adding "you'll have to leave."

[toadbriar]

Upon reflection I realize that I probably would feel more comfortable with "hey lady!" I don't really have an alternative though, for respectful address of woman I don't know. It is definitely a lot more palateable when it comes in a Southern accent. Somehow then it seems to be delivered as intended, without the old-bat baggage my Yankee upbringing attaches to it otherwise!

Funny to hear that Miss makes some bristle. I always thought I was safe to use that one.

[straykat23]

I prefer Ma'am over Miss. Miss sounds so....virginal. I remember going from Señorita to Señora in Mexico at age 24 and didn't like it all that much, particularly since I wasn't married. It just sounded so much older than Ma'am. Go figure.

A good friend just retired from teaching middle school in the Oakland Public School System for thirty-five years. She said she went from the Sixties when the kids greeted her with, "Good Morning, Miss Xxxx," to the recent "Yo, Ho." In this case either Miss or Ma'am would be welcome.

[Zsofia]

I prefer Ma'am over Miss. Miss sounds so....virginal. I remember going from Señorita to Señora in Mexico at age 24 and didn't like it all that much, particularly since I wasn't married. It just sounded so much older than Ma'am. Go figure.

A good friend just retired from teaching middle school in the Oakland Public School System for thirty-five years. She said she went from the Sixties when the kids greeted her with, "Good Morning, Miss Xxxx," to the recent "Yo, Ho." In this case either Miss or Ma'am would be welcome.
For some reason, Southern schoolchildren call all female teachers Miss. I had a history teacher whose husband I had met - I'd been to their house, spent a considerable amount of time speaking to the man, etc, and still called her Miss Dillon. Ms has certainly penetrated the South - it's what all letters to me are addressed with very rare exception - but not in the schools. I'm sure it comes from a time when if you were a schoolteacher and got married you quit.

ETA - that's the problem with "Miss" - it comes from a time when an unmarried woman was less than "adult". So when called "Miss" now when it isn't from a child I feel it's belittling and essentially calling me a child. Uncoincidentally, I only hear it now from old men who are, indeed, saying that I'm a child and that I have no idea what I'm doing. They'll go up to an ignorant library volunteer with white hair a million times before they'll go up to me with my masters' degree.

[Annie]

IME, 'Ma'am' is usually followed by a firehose of bullshit ("yes ma'am, the repairman will be there by 11am" etc) so it has a bad connotation for me. Featherlou and I are in the same chunk of the country, so our experience seems to be similar.

[Sleeps With Butterflies]

I get "miss" a bit more than I get "ma'am" but neither bothers me. It just seems like something polite to call someone instead of "Hey you"

[missred]

Mind??? Hell, most of the time, I insist upon it.:D

I much prefer being called "Ma'am" to say, "sweetie" (pet peeve that is one of the few things to get a server stiffed on the tip if they insist upon using this form of address after being requested to refrain).

I still call my mother or other female relatives Ma'am if the occasion calls for it. Living in the south, as others have pointed out, it's pretty much standard for women over 12.*



* I get a kick from some gentlemen of my father's generation, though, who call any woman under 60 "Miss".

[faithfool]

Both my parents are Texan, I grew up mostly in the South - sir/ma'am is engrained. In my experience, it isn't really related to age, it's related to respect. So, of course you would use sir/ma'am with someone older, to show respect, but it would also be used for sales clerks, people assisting you, etc. If I used it, it would have very little to do with the age of the recipient. I am always a little surprised when someone says it makes them feel old! n my experience, it's just a courteous way of addressing someone, that's it.

As a Texan, I'll fourth this. So since I've always done it, be a female 4 or 40, I figure it's only fair that I not get upset at the same. Of course, when it really starts happening regularly and you realize that you've become some "other," it's a bit disconcerting at first. But afterwards, you just think back to all the people you made feel that way and all is right with the world once again. :p

[psycat90]

I mostly get Miss, but have gotten Ma'am a few times in the last couple of years..., totally OK with it.
I was very recently called Señora at a Mexican restaurant for the first time, and I admit, it caught my attention. Still didn't bother me of course, but it did have me taking a mental note that I am no longer a Señorita. And I'm not. So, Señora it is! ;-)

[outlierrn]

I'm 47 I sir and ma'am patients in the ER that are much younger than me on a regular basis, just trying to be respectful. Occasionaly someone will ask me to call them by their name, which is fine, I've just always had trouble with names.


Story Time:

so, I'm in the break room having lunch when one of the other nurses comes in and says
'Larry, I know you're on break, but I can't get the pulse ox to work on this kid, pleeeeze' Now this happens on a regular basis because of my peds ICU experience and the bigger part of me is always glad to try and get the job done, the better to get the kid out of distress, but a smaller part of me is always thinking
'goddamnit do your own work it's not that hard didn't I already teach you this.'

Sooo, I go in the room and while I'm getting the equipment set up I say to the mother
'will you please take a shoe and sock off for me ma'am'.
cuz a pulse ox that's designed for an adult finger will often work well on kids toes, and she says, in a voice not quite flirtatious, but clearly not offended,
'only if you stop calling me ma'am'
to which I reply
'well, i didn't mean for you to take off your own shoe and sock'
Hilarity ensued



Oh, and the kid was just fine

[Loach]

As a police officer I am pretty much conditioned to use sir and ma'am at all times when dealing with the public. Being from the military started me on that road but that is for officers only. I will call you ma'am even as I am cuffing you. I usually don't use it much outside of work.

[Mesquite-oh]

As a Texan, I will fifth that calling people Ma'am or sir has nothing to do with age, it is just being polite. I onced called a women in her 20's from the North-east US Ma'am and she put her hand, across her chest, gasped, and asked me why I called her that. Strange.

[Pixilated]

As a Texan, I will fifth that calling people Ma'am or sir has nothing to do with age, it is just being polite. I onced called a women in her 20's from the North-east US Ma'am and she put her hand, across her chest, gasped, and asked me why I called her that. Strange.

Not strange, just a culture difference. I'm from the midwest livin in Texas. From what I observe, the South is more insistant on using Sir and M'am as a sign of respect. Northern/midwest people tend to be more relaxed(?) about this, but my generation would use the Sir/M'am for elderly folks and judges/police officers.

I cringe most of the time when being called M'am - not because it makes me feel 'old', but, well it's hard to explain. My kids also had a hard time with this especially with teachers since the teachers up north were addressed by their names, whereas I had a teacher from the south yell at one of my kids for using her name and not calling her M'am ("I did not go to school to be referred to as Mrs.XXX.."). We have all learned to adjust to the Southern culture for the most part.

[Tracy Lord]

I agree with featherlou and Annie's associations with "ma'am", and I much prefer (and use) "miss". I'm 22 and grew up in Portland, OR.

[Auntbeast]

It seriously offends me when people take offense. It is a form of respect. Sir or Ma'am. Respectful, regardless of age, social status or whatever.

I'm guessing that Northerners must interact with people who's names they do not know as "Hey, Fucker!" I've asked what they use instead of Sir or Ma'am and never really gotten an answer.

If I hear one more time "My Daddy was Sir, my name is X" one more time, I swear, I'm gonna get a baseball bat. Your Daddy was Sir because that is how you refer to someone to show respect.

This isn't the pit, but people, understand, it is a form of respect, stop being an ass. Do you get pissed when people call you Mister? Or Miss? How about Dr? Your Honor?

[Odesio]

The only time I address a woman as miss is when I immediately use her last name afterward. So it might go something like "Good morning, Miss Holly. Yes ma'am, I pulled that file for you yesterday." I never address anyone as miss followed by their first name though. I know some people here in Arkansas do that but I just can't.
Referring to someone as miss just seems rude, but, as others have pointed out, I suppose that's not always the case.

My mother raised me not to say ma'am because she was one of those people who thought it was rude. Strangely enough when we moved back to Texas (she's a California gal) she thought it was quaint when someone called her ma'am. Maybe she mellowed out in her old age.

Once while working in Texas, I had someone at work rip me a new one for not addressing her as ma'am. I was a stupid 19 year old security guard at a corporate headquarters and pretty much everyone else in the building was really casual with me with most of the others just outright ignoring me. I apologized to her by saying "I'm sorry but I didn't think you were old enough to be a ma'am." I was trying to be charming but it didn't work.


Odesio

[chromaticity]

I just realized it has been a while since I talked to unknown women.
If I had to, then I guess I would use ma'am. Miss, only if the woman was younger than me or looked kinda sorta young.

If someone dropped their purse, "Excuse me, you dropped your purse!" seems fine. No messiness!

Luckily in Japan, I don't have to think of this issue (There is a whole another can of worms though..)

[Tracy Lord]

AuntBeast, where are you from and do you live there now? Where "ma'am" is commonly used to signify the respect that comes with age, I could understand taking offense. In some places, it's effectively calling them old.

[aruvqan]

Here "Miss" is a respectful form of address, usually by a child to an older female they know very well. Also used to refer to an associate at work.

Im in the frozen northland, well Hartford CT area and we have a lot of blacks and hispanics in proportion to caucasians and I get Miss <firstnamed> a lot, and I use miss <firstname> a lot myself. I get ma'am-ed in stores and whatnot, but since I am almost to the magic bit 50 in age, it is more appropriate.

I put in my chops, and earned respect from youngsters, now GET OFF MY LAWN!:D

[actually I was raised to sir and ma'am people appropriately]

[Scougs]

I've found it cute whenever I've been in the States. (First visit aged 24, most recent aged 44.)

But this thread has really got me trying to figure out what the equivalent is over here for addressing a mature female whose name you don't yet know.

I guess the full form "Madam" is still used, but more often we just don't bother. Any other Brit doper opinions?

[Hrududu]

I visited the US for the first time last year. It absolutely chilled my blood the first time somebody called me Ma'am. And I have no idea why I feel that way. Personally I don't see why you need to be addressed at all, can you not say what needs to be said without adding this Ma'am to the end of the sentance?

I don't understand people who think by not saying Ma'am you will be using some other moniker like "Hey Fucker" as some other poster put it.

For instance my first Ma'am experience was in a theatre. I was heading to the bathroom and noticed the line was about a hundred miles long, I shrugged and turned on my heels. The usher then proceeded to try and get my attention by calling "Ma'am? Ma'am!" What was wrong with a simple "Excuse me" in this situation?

[Litoris]

37, female, Southern. I call people ma'am/sir no matter their age -- it is a form of respect, being polite. Nothing more. The rudest people, IMHO are the ones that throw a tantrum because they get called ma'am or sir, as if it's an age thing. Get over it, someone is being polite to you, stop being rude back.

[lisacurl]

I'm 41. I think taking offense at being called ma'am would be a bit silly at my age.

Reminds me of the Absolutely Fabulous "France" episode when the flight attendant calls Patsy "Madam" and she spits back, "...demoiselle! ...demoiselle!" heh

[Maus Magill]

38, Male. I use Ma'am and Sir whenever I'm addressing people I do not know. I'm teaching Fang to do so as well.
it is a form of respect, being polite. Nothing more. The rudest people, IMHO are the ones that throw a tantrum because they get called ma'am or sir, as if it's an age thing. Get over it, someone is being polite to you, stop being rude back.QTF

[Karyn]

The most common use of it that I hear out in CA is "Yes, Ma'am" or "Yes, Sir" to communicate sarcastically that someone is making requests sound like orders and they aren't in a position to be giving orders, or if they are then it's just teasing them about it. The clients at the homeless shelter all knew my first name and used it, and (unless they were new) when they called me ma'am they were making fun of me for being bossy. A lot of the guys were 20 years older than me and it amused them to get bossed around by a 'girl'.

[hobscrk777]

It seriously offends me when people take offense. It is a form of respect. Sir or Ma'am. Respectful, regardless of age, social status or whatever.

I'm guessing that Northerners must interact with people who's names they do not know as "Hey, Fucker!" I've asked what they use instead of Sir or Ma'am and never really gotten an answer.

If I hear one more time "My Daddy was Sir, my name is X" one more time, I swear, I'm gonna get a baseball bat. Your Daddy was Sir because that is how you refer to someone to show respect.

This isn't the pit, but people, understand, it is a form of respect, stop being an ass. Do you get pissed when people call you Mister? Or Miss? How about Dr? Your Honor?

::Wild cheering and adulation::

I second this.

[Raguleader]

Both my parents are Texan, I grew up mostly in the South - sir/ma'am is engrained. In my experience, it isn't really related to age, it's related to respect. So, of course you would use sir/ma'am with someone older, to show respect, but it would also be used for sales clerks, people assisting you, etc. If I used it, it would have very little to do with the age of the recipient. I am always a little surprised when someone says it makes them feel old! n my experience, it's just a courteous way of addressing someone, that's it.

Interestingly enough, when I was in Basic, there were guys in my flight who felt that "Sir" was actually disrespectful when used to an equal, because it was me "trying to build barriers" instead of me recognizing their superiority to me in some way (some were years older than me, givers of sage wisdom, or pretty much just plain in a position of authority because they were a squad leader). That said, in some flights in Basic Training, the instructors forbid trainees being called "Sir" because only the instructors were sir, while other flights everyone was required to call at least the squad leaders "Sir" (which some of the squad leaders accordingly let go straight to their tiny little heads)

But yeah, most people who outrank me are "Sir" or "Ma'am" because that's how it works in the Air Force. When dealing with NCOs from other branches of service, I try to catch myself and substitute "Sargeant", "Sar'ent" or "Petty Officer" depending on what seems appropriate, but half the time "Sir" or "Ma'am" slips out and thus far I've only managed to piss oner person off with it (oddly, a Marine Lance Corporal complaining about how I addressed an Army Staff Sergeant). Probably they give me a break because of how we're trained in the Air Force, but we're required to use the proper address for a superior, which means army NCOs are "Sargeant' and not "Sir" (presumably, unlike Army and Marine NCOs, Air Force NCOs don't work for a living:D)

EDIT: Oh, and the few times I've had a brand-shiny-new-just-fell-off-the-bus-from-Basic Airman call me "Sir", I've found it mildly embarassing in an "Aw shucks you don't gotta call me that!" way. For what it's worth, I'm an Airman First Class, and so a couple paygrades away from being a Sir.

[bobkitty]

37, female, Southern. I call people ma'am/sir no matter their age -- it is a form of respect, being polite. Nothing more. The rudest people, IMHO are the ones that throw a tantrum because they get called ma'am or sir, as if it's an age thing. Get over it, someone is being polite to you, stop being rude back.

I "throw a tantrum" when it's coming from someone I *work with on a daily basis*, who already knows my name. I don't think that's unrealistic- we're all on the same playing field here (except, of course, for the Administration or our direct supervisors)- there's no need to pull that out. It took me long enough to get used to "Ms FirstName" as a standard form of address from my coworkers- it's understandable, since by consistently using it it teaches the kids to do the same, although it's still sort of weird coming from someone 20+ years older than me- but if we're in the privacy of our office having a normal conversation, there's no need to address me as anything other than my first name.

I *do* take offense at your implication that we should get over it; what about our neighbors to the north, who have pointed out that it's a loaded, offensive term? Should they get over it?

I understand it from retail/service-related people, and although it grates on me I don't necessarily say anything. I've been known to joke with the nurses in my doctor's office, though- I've been going there and have known them long enough that I think it's okay to make fun of them a little for calling me ma'am when I'm younger than they are. They take it for the good-natured humor it is, but I wouldn't pull it with a medical person I didn't know, or with a law enforcement officer, because I know it's part of their training.

As a child growing up in MA, anyone older than you was "Mrs/Ms. LastName" if you knew it, and if you didn't you either didn't speak to them until you were introduced, or you could default to ma'am if absolutely necessary ("Excuse me" was/is appropriate when trying to get someone's attention). I remember going home for my grandmother's funeral, and one of my mom's friends telling me it was okay to call her by her first name now that I was over the age of 30, but I simply couldn't do it- she'll always be "Mrs LastName."

[twickster]

Native northerner.

I use "ma'am," "miss," or "sir" to get that person's attention in a public place where his or her name is irrelevant. "Ma'am -- ma'am -- I think you dropped this," "Excuse me, miss, there's a line over here," etc.

I do see an age difference between "ma'am" and "miss," and was kind of freaked the first time I got ma'amed, when I was in my 30s -- which is, I guess, where I see the dividing line.

[Anaamika]

I'm a Northerner. I don't love it, but have gotten reconciled to it as I grow older. I like Miss, too. But I understand people will use it now, and I figure it's better than some other things.

I won't really use ma'am, though, or try not to.

I notice there is the South/North thing going on here again. I do not fly off the handle when someone ma'ams me, I just smile ruefully. If we can understand that it's just a respectful thing then maybe the Southerners can attempt to understand it's a little awkward for us, is all.

[Cat Whisperer]

It seriously offends me when people take offense. It is a form of respect. Sir or Ma'am. Respectful, regardless of age, social status or whatever.

I'm guessing that Northerners must interact with people who's names they do not know as "Hey, Fucker!" I've asked what they use instead of Sir or Ma'am and never really gotten an answer.

If I hear one more time "My Daddy was Sir, my name is X" one more time, I swear, I'm gonna get a baseball bat. Your Daddy was Sir because that is how you refer to someone to show respect.

This isn't the pit, but people, understand, it is a form of respect, stop being an ass. Do you get pissed when people call you Mister? Or Miss? How about Dr? Your Honor?
You do understand there are other people in the world with experiences that are different from yours, right?

That said, if I was called "Ma'am" from someone with a genuine southern accent, I probably wouldn't mind it, and would take it as meant. I do know when people are "ma'am"ing me disrespectfully, though (using "ma'am" when you know damned well what they really want to call you is "shithead" or worse).

[amarinth]

I don't mind at all being called "ma'am" by a little kid. It means that someone has taken the time to teach them to be polite.

When an teenager or adult calls me "ma'am" I have a brief flash of "crap, I'm old." But it doesn't bother me that they called me ma'am; it does bother me that somehow I got old. That's hardly their fault. Unless there's a tone. And I assume the tone would be there no matter what form of address they used.

[overlyverbose]

I'm a 33-year-old women raised right on the Mason-Dixon line. My family is more traditional than most (I had a coming out and everything).

I don't particularly like being called ma'am, mostly because it makes me feel older. But I do think it's appropriate, particularly when the term is used by someone I don't know who's younger than I am. I don't think I'm due any special status because of my age; however, I do think that unless you're introduced to someone on a first-name-only basis to begin with or unless they say to use their first name, you should use ma'am, sir or Mr/Mrs LastName until they tell you otherwise.

Although it seems like, "Hey, if they want me to call them Mr/mrs LastName or ma'am or sir, they should just say so," it's not that simple. Going from more formal to less formal is more comfortable socially than starting informal and going to formal, for whatever reason. If you call someone FirstName and they prefer a more formal title, you're forcing them to sound snooty by making them say so. On the other hand, by starting with Mrs/Mr LastName or sir or ma'am, you're somehow allowing them more of a choice without forcing them to sound snooty if they prefer the more formal version. And for what it's worth, I know that doesn't make any sense.

[Wile E]

I admire someone with manners who uses the term but I do cringe a little inside at the thought of being a "ma'am".

[you with the face]

I don't think I've ever been called "ma'am" by someone younger than me, but it wouldn't bother me at all if a kid or teenager did so (I'm 31, FWIW).

There was an intern I used to worth with who was 32. She'd address our boss as ma'am and it made me want to strangle her, since our boss was only 36. Her use of "ma'am" made her seem more juvenile and subordinate than she was. I suggested that she quit saying it because it seemed like a good way to relegate herself to permanent drone status.

[Poysyn]

I am an officer in the military. I get called Ma'am all the time. At first it was a little startling, but I got used to it.

I am 32

[outlierrn]

Interesting thread, I'm in California and I only use the terms at work, but I don't attach any age significance to them at all. Kids are scooter (girls) and sparky (boys), adults are sir and ma'am.

[Gala Matrix Fire]

I love being called ma'am, and I have loved it for quite a while now. I appreciate outward signs of respect.

If one of my soldiers had called me "Ma'am" instead of "Sergeant," I would have found that weird, but it sure wouldn't have angered me.

[Auntbeast]

What I guess my post failed to make clear. Sir and Ma'am are traditional forms of showing respect. If they have been relegated to snark or snide in the mean time, that is incredibly unfortunate for those of us who mean nothing other than respect. Not to mention, acknowledging that those from farther up have taken a perfectly respectable form of addressing someone whose name you may not know, to be something offensive, really makes me wonder. Makes me wonder about those who get all huffy and say "My Daddy was Sir!" So, your dad was a shithead, eh?

It isn't like we are using the N-word or any other historically charged epithet. More places than not, it is and shall remain a form of showing respect.

I won't even start on the Miss Firstname habit we have. Or how pathologically uncomfortable it makes me feel to have my daughters teacher request I call her by her first name. I'd like to show respect for the job she has and does so well. Can we meet in the middle and call her Miss TeachersFirstName?

FTR: "Excuse me" vs. "Excuse me, Ma'am" narrows down the potential respondents by a typical 50%, handy, don't cha think?

[gigi]

I remember going home for my grandmother's funeral, and one of my mom's friends telling me it was okay to call her by her first name now that I was over the age of 30, but I simply couldn't do it- she'll always be "Mrs LastName."

Same here--I can't do it either with a woman who is my friend's mom, even though we're all friends. I cringe when people introduce adults to their kids using the first name.

And ma'am is fine -- Miss sounds a little young these days.

[Monstera deliciosa]

I'm a Northerner, (originally from Westchester County, NY) African-American if it makes a difference, and was first called "Ma'am" when I was about 20, by a cashier maybe a few years older than me. This was in New Hampshire. As I've posted before, it didn't make me feel old; it made me feel like an adult.

At forty-eight, I still consider it a proper, totally non-offensive form of address. In fact, "Miss" has always seemed slightly tacky to me.

[Critical1]

Gentlemen: with whom do you use the word "ma'am" and why?



I use Miss, I consider Ma'am a four letter word.

not sure where I picked up that attitude but it may have been my Grandmother.

[Litoris]

I "throw a tantrum" when it's coming from someone I *work with on a daily basis*, who already knows my name. I don't think that's unrealistic- we're all on the same playing field here (except, of course, for the Administration or our direct supervisors)- there's no need to pull that out. It took me long enough to get used to "Ms FirstName" as a standard form of address from my coworkers- it's understandable, since by consistently using it it teaches the kids to do the same, although it's still sort of weird coming from someone 20+ years older than me- but if we're in the privacy of our office having a normal conversation, there's no need to address me as anything other than my first name.

I *do* take offense at your implication that we should get over it; what about our neighbors to the north, who have pointed out that it's a loaded, offensive term? Should they get over it?

I understand it from retail/service-related people, and although it grates on me I don't necessarily say anything. I've been known to joke with the nurses in my doctor's office, though- I've been going there and have known them long enough that I think it's okay to make fun of them a little for calling me ma'am when I'm younger than they are. They take it for the good-natured humor it is, but I wouldn't pull it with a medical person I didn't know, or with a law enforcement officer, because I know it's part of their training.

As a child growing up in MA, anyone older than you was "Mrs/Ms. LastName" if you knew it, and if you didn't you either didn't speak to them until you were introduced, or you could default to ma'am if absolutely necessary ("Excuse me" was/is appropriate when trying to get someone's attention). I remember going home for my grandmother's funeral, and one of my mom's friends telling me it was okay to call her by her first name now that I was over the age of 30, but I simply couldn't do it- she'll always be "Mrs LastName."

Yeah, "our neighbors to the North" should get over it. Being rude to someone simply because they have been polite to you makes YOU the asshole. Period.

I call people I work with ma'am/sir, even I know their name.
Example: coworker who sits catty-corner to me and is 7 years younger says something to me that I don't quite hear. I am not going to say "what?" "huh?" or "<coworker's name>" I am going to say "ma'am?" -- it she knows in one word that I didn't hear her and need it repeated.
Example 2: coworker asks me about a picture in the catalog "does that look like the oasis tissue in the white bag to you?" me: "yes, ma'am"

It's polite. If it offends you that people are polite, please, stay the hell out of my world, because it's your type that has helpd with the dumbing down and ruding up of America.

[Tabula Rasa]

I'm 38. I grew up in and currently live in Colorado. Ma'am is the only right guess for strangers in a service capacity to use to address me. If they know my last name, then Mrs. LastName is right. I certainly don't need the dental hygienist to call me "Sweetie."

[LouisB]

Both my parents are Texan, I grew up mostly in the South - sir/ma'am is engrained. In my experience, it isn't really related to age, it's related to respect. So, of course you would use sir/ma'am with someone older, to show respect, but it would also be used for sales clerks, people assisting you, etc. If I used it, it would have very little to do with the age of the recipient. I am always a little surprised when someone says it makes them feel old! n my experience, it's just a courteous way of addressing someone, that's it.Do I know you? Your story is my story; using ma'am and sir is what I was conditioned to do. No offense or condescension is ever intended.

BUT: In the small town where I lived, once one reached a certain age, black people who knew you personally were expected to address you as: Mr. First Name and/or Miss First Name. The age at which this took place was somewhat variable. I've never liked the practice and still don't.

[Ro Carter]

It doesn't happen enough to me to be a problem or bother me. In general, the ma'am or sir is left out. Ma'am is general enough that you have to be paying attention to the person saying it to know that the statement was meant for you. Therefore, if the person can grasp that what you are saying is meant for them, the ma'am identifier is kinda superfluous.

I typically only say sir or ma'am if I'm doing some kind of work that involves guiding the general public, where I've never seen the person before, and expect to never see them again, and then only to women (or men, in the case of sir) that are older than me. The lone exception to this is a person in uniform (particularly police or military). In that case, they are always sir or ma'am unless they are a personal friend of mine.

The only form of address that will consistently irritate me is being called "hon", "sweetheart" or anything in that vein, particularly by people I've just met (waitstaff, etc). Matter of fact, I can count on one hand the people I would be ok with them addressing me like that, and all of them are either very good friends or family.

[spike404]

It is not that you address someone as ma'am, it is how you say it. Voice inflection, and tone, can make it either a courtesy, or an insult.

In the military one can be charged with "insolence through manner", by how they say, "Yes, sir."

[schnuckiputzi]

Southern upbringing here, so 'ma'am' is just polite and respectful. I like being called Ma'am. I'm definitely not a Miss, and no one's going to yell "Mrs.!" after me. I even tend to respond with a "Yes, ma'am?" if my principal calls me over the intercom.