It's been a month since my husband died

[Brynda]

It's been a month. I feel like shit almost all of the time. I cry a couple of times a day. I am miserable to be around, I hate to be alone, but I have a hard time asking to be with anyone. I think everyone hates to talk to me (although they say that isn't true). I have no appetite, but my body screams for food and I feel worse when I don't eat. Today I told our neighbors about Rick's death, and then I went to McDonalds. I was afraid if they saw me, they would think badly of me--great, I feel guilty eating. I need that on top of just feeling like shit. And then tonight my mother guilted me about not spending time with her, because she wants to help me. The only thing is, she makes me feel worse.

Shit, shit, shit.

I had no idea it would be this hard.

[ivylass]

It's been a month already? Damn.

Sweetie, please know that everything you are feeling is NORMAL. Let your neighbors and mother and other people in your life help you, even if it means they watch TV while you take a nap. No one expects you to be the life of the party, but they do want to be there for you.

And do try to eat. I know it seems hopeless now, but I promise you, one day, you will laugh again.

(((((((((((((((Brynda)))))))))))))))))

[Scarlett67]

I hate to be alone, but I have a hard time asking to be with anyone. I think everyone hates to talk to me (although they say that isn't true).

They are right. If you were my personal friend, I would WANT you to call me if you needed to talk/hang out/cry on a shoulder/whatever.

CALL THEM. (Well, OK, maybe not your mom if she really bothers you . . . but the ones who've been your good buds through thick and thin. Times like this is what they are for.)

And please, hie thee to a grief counselor if you haven't already. They can help.

ivylass is right. It will get better. Slowly, perhaps, but it will.

{{{Brynda}}}

[Typo Knig]

I want to echo what ivylass and Scarlett67 said, especially the hugs.

You know it's safe to vent here, right? Do so as necessary - in the pit if need be. When my sister's husband died at age 40 there was a lot of stuff to Pit, if I only had known about the SDMB at the time. There was also a lot of *amazing* support, some of it from unexpected places.

This is all still new for you, give it time and respect the process you're going through. What you're going through sounds perfectly normal for someone who has had a loss like yours. Please don't sweat it, and let us know how we can help. Let your IRL friends and family help you - real hugs are better than Internet hugs.

Here are some Internet hugs anyway:

{{{{{{Brynda}}}}}

[Khadaji]

I wish I had words of wisdom that would make this easier on you. But nothing that I can say will lessen the pain. So the only thing I can say is that you are in my thoughts - sending supporting thoughts your way.

[CWN]

I am so sorry for your loss- I lost my wife some years ago and I know how painful it is. Life will get better with time. As others have said avail yourself of grief counseling. Talk to your family and friends they want to be there for you! If you need to talk with some one who has been there my e mail is in my profile

sending hugs and warm thoughts your way
Len

[Le Ministre de l'au-delà]

{{{{Brynda}}}}

After my mother died, my father told me that was the loneliest year of his life, and that my grandfather had said the same thing to him when my grandmother died.

I've found that something about English-speaking, North American culture is not very helpful to those who have just lost loved ones. The people who are grieving are supposed to get over it and get on with life. Yeah, okay, but why does it then feel socially awkward to mention that someone close to you has died?

One of the things I've found hardest is that fact that I need to tell stories about friends and relations in order to keep those precious memories alive. Anything you want to share with us, please, feel free.

It's hard to eat when you've got no appetite - I call it "eating to be clever"; vaguely related to 'kissing to be clever'. It's just a piece of family slang we came up with to describe the feeling when food is completely un-interesting, and yet, if you get out of the habit of eating 3 square a day, well, that's not supposed to be very healthy.

Grief counsellors, friends, family - we all want to help, but we don't know how, and some of us are afraid our attempts at helping may make things worse, so we stay away. But believe me when I say that everybody means well, even when they accidentally tick you off.

Big hugs and bon courage.

[RedWood]

my wife died three years ago... I still miss her terribly.

I can't say that it gets better. I can say it gets easier to bear.

Everything you are describing is Totally Normal, especially wanting to hide from everyone until you feel like you can be good company.
Look after yourself. Let others look after you, too. Your friends want to help you.
Also: if someone's not helping, feel free to give yourself a break from them.

*HUGS*

[Brynda]

I am so sick of myself that I assume everyone is sick of me. I am just so miserable. Over the top, full on, snot-nosed miserable. I can't think of anyone but myself miserable. I hate the way I am miserable.

I see a therapist at the oncologist's office. My next appt is Tuesday. She is wonderful and I am glad I have her.

I wish I could move in with someone and have them take care of me. I can't believe how pitiful I am. This can't be me.

[Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor]

{{{Brynda}}}

[j666]

I prefer to crawl into my cave and lick my wounds, too. I don't know if it's healthy, but I find that most people deal very poorly with offering condolence.

Could you find a new place to frequent where people did not know your husband? So you could be around people, but not have to deal with the emotional tension?

I... Today I told our neighbors about Rick's death, and then I went to McDonalds. I was afraid if they saw me, they would think badly of me--great, I feel guilty eating. ...Do you feel guilty for eating at McDonalds (not eating in general)?

Well, it isn't good for you, and you really need to keep your immune system up. Could you try to stock up on frozen dinners? Or find some nice rich whole grain nutty bread? Or keep bananas and/or avocados (about the closest things to uncooked vegetable comfort food there is) in the house?

[Typo Knig]

I am so sick of myself that I assume everyone is sick of me. I am just so miserable. Over the top, full on, snot-nosed miserable. I can't think of anyone but myself miserable. I hate the way I am miserable.

I see a therapist at the oncologist's office. My next appt is Tuesday. She is wonderful and I am glad I have her.

I wish I could move in with someone and have them take care of me. I can't believe how pitiful I am. This can't be me.

You are not pitiful, you are in the hardest place right now. Of course you're miserable - you love Rick. The pitiful person is the one who doesn't care. You do care, and so you hurt. It's normal under the circumstances. At this point you're lucky if you can even think of yourself.

When you hurt is when people want to help. Don't assume people don't want to help, or are sick of you. They do want to help, and they aren't sick of you.

Do you have friends or relatives who can stay with you for a while - keep you company, trade Rick stories, get you kleenex, make sure you eat, etc.? Just suggesting. I tend to go into "Let me help you whether you want it or not" mode, so please tell me to bleep off before I get annoying.

OK, before I get *more* annoying.

[Dangerosa]

I am so very sorry.

As a friend of mourners when we say "Let me know if there is anything to do" we are often grateful when you say "I have something for you to do." And we understand if that thing is sit in your house not bothering you (but making sure you have food and clean laundry) so that you aren't alone. If you were close I'd be more than happy to show up, bring a book and sit and read, just so that you didn't have to be alone in the house right now.

You might want to be selective in who you ask - someone who tries to cheer you up might not be great for the present.

[Ruby]

I totally understand not wanting to ask for help. What can anyone do, really? Nothing. Other than be here to listen, be a shoulder to cry on, be supportive, whatever that means that particular moment.

I'm not a therapist and keep in mind, this advice is worth as much as you paid for it...

One of the things that helps me get through difficult times in life like death, divorce, and military deployment was that I believe that we HAVE to walk the journey of grief in order to get to the other side. We HAVE to feel that pain, embrace it, and then we can move on.

I'm not suggesting to wallow in self-pity. I am suggesting that on an intellectual and emotional level, you can give yourself permission to be miserable. It's not only OK, it's necessary. If you try to skip this part, it will rear it's ugly head when you least expect it.

Be gentle with yourself. I will almost guarantee that none of your friends or family are thinking, "Damn that Brynda sure is a needy beyotch".

[Brynda]

My head knows that you guys are right--I need to cry, I need to ask for help, etc. I just wish it wasn't so damn hard. I am definitely not denying my feelings; I don't seem to have that option in me.

As for the eating thing, it is eating in general that I seem to feel guilty about. I got some frozen dinners, cheese, apples, etc, so don't worry, the McDs was just this morning.

I just had a long talk with my sister and that helped.

I still hate this.

[Jeff Lichtman]

You need to give yourself a break. You not only feel terrible, you feel terrible about feeling terrible. You are entitled to your feelings. You have suffered a loss, and you don't have to justify the fact that you are in mourning to anyone, including yourself. Be easy on yourself. Try to stop worrying about whether you're miserable to be around. Those who care about you, if they have any sense, won't expect you to be a lot of laughs right now.

[Quasimodem]

You need to give yourself a break. You not only feel terrible, you feel terrible about feeling terrible. You are entitled to your feelings. You have suffered a loss, and you don't have to justify the fact that you are in mourning to anyone, including yourself. Be easy on yourself. Try to stop worrying about whether you're miserable to be around. Those who care about you, if they have any sense, won't expect you to be a lot of laughs right now.


Brynda, exactly what Jeff wrote is the way I feel as well.

You loved him and you are entitled (stupid word) to grieve, and we'll be right here to help you through it all.

No matter how long it takes!

We love you and care about you!

Bill

[glee]

I am so sorry to hear this.

Both my parents died within a month (nearly two years ago) and I went into grief, mourning and depression.
Fortunately I had help from friends, family and co-workers.
It is perfectly natural to feel terrible when a loved one dies.

I found it extremely helpful to speak to a grief counsellor (I got one through a charity named CRUSE (http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/)). It was an enormous help. Talking to a trained person means you can say what you want and they understand. Also you realise you are not alone and that people do understand what you are going through.

One friend phoned me every day for a month. We didn't say anything serious (he'd been to both funerals), but just talking about mundane stuff helped.

The pain will go away slowly. The memories will always be there - even now I have tears in my eyes when my Dad's favourite music comes on - but you realise that your loved ones live on in your memory.

[twickster]

I wish I could move in with someone and have them take care of me. I can't believe how pitiful I am. This can't be me.

Maybe you could, at least for a little while?

Sounds like you have plenty of people who want to help -- bite the bullet and let them. (Spoken as someone who is ridiculously hard to help, herself).

Vent here as necessary, and definitely see if you can find a grief counselor. It will get better (slowly, it will get "less horrific" and then it will get to "bearable," and it will stay stuck there for a godawful long time), but it's going to take time.

Hugs, sweetie.

And thanks for checking in -- we've all been wondering how you are.

[Broomstick]

Brynda, you're in mourning. Your feelings are normal, even if they are uncomfortable and unpleasant. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist, but understand this will take time. Six to 12 months is not unusual, although everyone recovers in their own time.

Are you maintaining your weight? Are the bills getting paid? Do you get dressed and make yourself presentable every day? Then you're doing OK in my book.

[Loach]

Its funny how the mind works. I'm going through a lot of the same feelings right now due to shitty things going on in my life. Nothing as bad as the death of a loved one but a lot of the reactions are the same. Good news, I lost 10 lbs. Bad news I did it in a week. Just remember that a lot of us have gone through something similar. There are a lot of people here with big hearts. Sometimes it might be easier to unload here than to a friend or family member. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist and talking to your sister. If you need to say something here don't hesitate. I usually don't respond to threads like this because I feel awkward and don't know what to say. I guess all I can say is that my thoughts are with you.

[abderian]

Brynda, when I was widowed, I read a lot. A LOT. I studied grief and widow-hood in search of answers to make it better, easier or on the right time-line. My conclusion: There aren’t any answers or rules. Some people think there are, but there aren't. Time makes it easier.

The most helpful thing I read was this: You don’t need to behave in any particular manner. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. The only thing you absolutely have to do is keep breathing. Just keep breathing.

Whenever I felt I was a burden or a lunatic, I reminded myself that there are no time-lines and no rules; the only thing I had to do was to keep breathing. When I felt pressured to be “normal” within a set period of time, I told myself, no, this takes as long as it takes – just keep breathing. When I felt like a dribbling, pathetic lump, I consoled myself with the thought that if I had to be a dribbling, pathetic lump to survive the experience, then so be it -- so long as I kept breathing.

Somehow I got through.

Just keep breathing, Brynda. Nothing else matters. Keep breathing.

[Brynda]

Thanks, everyone. This helps.

I am doing the basics--breathing, paying the bills, surviving. I am even working some, and on Saturday volunteered to help tornado victims for a few hours. It is just that when I feel sad, I feel terrible. Miserable. And I hate it. But you guys are right--this is just how it is and how it has to be for now.

[Zebra]

Eat.

[as_u_wish]

It's been 4 months for me since my husband died after a 3 year battle with cancer. The entire first month is a total blur--I know I experienced every possible emotion at a myriad of different intensities. I know that I got an amazing amount of stuff done--probate and moving out the hospice things, and eating and sleeping and writing thank you notes and arguing with credit card companies. I got advice here on the Dope that was so helpful: Every emotion you have is normal; every feeling is ok. That became my mantra when I was sad, frustrated, angry, lonely, relieved, overwhelmed, happy, guilty over being happy, scared, miserable. You name it. Much of the time I just wished I could be numb. And then I felt guilty for that--begin cycle over. :)

The single hardest thing for me has been my unconscious behaviors/reactions. As, for example, hearing a car pull into the driveway and thinking he's home. Makes me tear up just typing it. But for over 30 years, that sound of tires on gravel meant he was home. I don't know that I would change my reaction if I could. But it hurts.

I really did (and am) "taking advantage" of my friends and even some comparative strangers who have offered to help. I've had to adjust my self-image a little. I've always pictured myself as independent, self-sufficient, strong, etc. Well, right now, I need help. I need comfort. I need company. I need sympathy. Lots and lots and lots. And, amazingly, there are people out there who want to provide those things. I am so thankful.

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}. If internet "company" would help, PM me. I'm "home alone" most of the time.

[ivylass]

Thanks, everyone. This helps.

I am doing the basics--breathing, paying the bills, surviving. I am even working some, and on Saturday volunteered to help tornado victims for a few hours. It is just that when I feel sad, I feel terrible. Miserable. And I hate it. But you guys are right--this is just how it is and how it has to be for now.

That's all you can do...just try to get from day to day, from moment to moment, from breath to breath. Grief is terrible...there's nothing to get you through it except time. There's no pill, no magic therapy trick, no magic wand to wave. Just time.

You say you're volunteering...does that help? Maybe take your mind off things for a bit? Could you do some more?

I saw the Sex and the City movie on cable a few days ago, and I was struck by how the girls helped Carrie get through Big leaving her at the altar. They went on the honeymoon with her, and she basically slept for two days and two nights. The friends checked on her, Samantha even woke her up and fed her soup, telling her she could go back to sleep after she ate. Eventually she did get out of bed...but I think knowing her friends were nearby helped her.

You have loved ones that want to help you. Let them. You need it and they need to know they can help you, even if it's in a small way.

[Sunspace]

Ah, Brynda.

After Jan died, I went to one of the best parties of my life after her funeral, but I think I was in shock and definitely not acting normal. Then I was in a cotton fog for four months. Then I cracked wide open on my birthday. Then the long reconstruction began.

It takes time and gentle care and hugs and wailing and going crazy and letting people support you. It won't end, but it will recede. Even though there will always be things that remind you and take you back, it gets easier and you will live again.

PM me if you want to.

[Philster]

I know someone who lost a husband to cancer after a long battle, and I know that she went through similar pains, and I picked up on a trend. She never wanted to be around people who were going to feel sorry for her and make her feel awkward. There were a few gems out there (there always are) that skip the 'sorry' approach and they all reach a mutual understanding that "of course we are sorry, but we aren't resorting to that all the time", and they were just there for her, not preachy, not fake supportive and far from cliche.

Maybe they are out there. Maybe you need that. I don't know. But I do know that if her parents, friend or in-laws wanted to help her because they felt sorry, she didn't want any part of them.

You are a person of your very own accord, and people will flock to you for that alone. I don't think you want them flocking to you because they feel it's their duty, or out of sorrow. They want to be around you only because they care about you.

They are out there.

[Brynda]

Thanks, everyone. I mean that. I found myself repeating what you said to my mother in law this morning, and then my friend this afternoon. I hope I will believe it, truly believe it, soon.

[jsgoddess]

Brynda, I got my phone back.

I'm at nearly three months since Steve died. I'm on autopilot a lot of the time, and some things have gotten harder while other things have gotten easier. It's almost like looking at a ballroom during a ball. There are patterns and starting and stopping points, but it's also so close to chaos as to make no nevermind.

[Marley23]

I'm sorry for what you're going through, Brynda. Don't worry about bringing other people down - they'll want to help. Just try to get through the day.

[Brynda]

People have been unbelievably kind. Today an employee from Rick's former boss's side company (not the one Rick worked for) came to look at my computer and help me with it. He refused to let me pay him and said I could call him anytime for help with it. I was paranoid about my car, so I took it to the garage we frequented this morning. When I told them why I was paranoid about it breaking down, they refused pay for checking it out. Several people have PMed me offering help or to talk, and you guys have all been so nice.

I have always operated under a "life is good, things will work out" philosophy. This has shaken me to my core. It helps that everyone has been so nice, but the centeral unfairness of Rick's death remains.

[ivylass]

I think you'll find, despite what you hear on the news, most people are good and want to help.

And I'm stealing this (http://www.tweenbots.com/) from another post because it was just so darn cute. Maybe it will make you smile a bit.

[FallenAngel]

"This can't be me?"

You're right. It's not. You have always defined your ongoing relationship with Rick as part of your identity. That's been ripped away from you, and your self-identity has suffered every bit as much as the rest of you as a result.

There's a reason the process of getting back to a "normal" life is called rebuilding. Something's been destroyed.

Luckily, we have other people around who can help. You'll never be the same, and Rick will always hold a place in who you are, but that doesn't mean you won't be good again.

People tend to think mental or emotional injuries are different from physical ones, but I've actually always found them to be very similar, and when I was in REBT therapy a few years ago, that understanding was one of the things my shrink used to great effect.

If your legs got broken, you would hate the pain and the reduced mobility. You would hate the rehab. You'd hate the fact that you needed other people to do things for you had previously been able to do just fine. You'd hate it, but you likely wouldn't beat yourself up over it. You'd understand that your legs don't work and won't work right for awhile. You'd be frustrated beyond description, but you'd understand it's something that you had to go through and you'd go through it until you got better, knowing full well that there would times in the future that it would still hurt and that you'd be weaker than you were used to for quite a long time.

If you'd do this for a broken leg, a broken heart can't be all that different. Give yourself a break (so to speak). Take advantage of every resource that's available to you in re-building, and know that even though the pain will subside, your love and your memories never will.

Good luck. This is probably the hardest think you'll ever do, but you'll do it.

[Enright3]

A Month? Hang in there. When my wife died, it took the better part of a year. For the first year, you can't escape it even if you want to. For me everything was the "firsts" game. i.e. this is the first Christmas without her; this is the first <insert event> with her. I'll get better. You're in the hardest part right now. For the first few weeks everyone is checking up on you. Immediately following that people have to get back to their normal lives, and it's not surprising you feel sort of hollow and empty right now. If you're like me, a lot of your support system has resumed their normal lives.

[Brynda]

But how do I hang in there? How did those of you who have been through this survive? Right now I am surviving simply because I have no chioce.

He was 32. We had only been married 6 years. I loved him so much, and he loved me with all his heart. This is so damn unfair.

[ivylass]

It is unfair. There is nothing about this that doesn't suck.

I think you get through it one day at a time. Are there any widow/widower support groups in your area? I love my Pink Ribbon Ladies breast cancer support group. There's nothing like being with a group of people who know EXACTLY what you're going through. I don't mean being sympathetic. I mean knowing what chemo/radiation/etc means.

[rocking chair]

it is absolutly unfair! it is throw yourself on the floor full out tantrum unfair.

in some ways it would be great to just leap ahead 5 years and not have to deal with the pain of today.

one moment, one hour, one day, one week, one month, one year at a time. you just keep building time up. it is survivial. it is a struggle.

know that we are here for you any minute of the day or night.

[jsgoddess]

Brynda, I keep meaning to tell you a quote I read in a book shortly after Steve died:

"I cannot live the rest of my life without my husband. But I can live without him for one day."
— Linda Feinberg

It helped me. I hope it helps you, too.

[hajario]

All I can do is send good thoughts your way.

[j666]

I never lost anyone I was living with at the time, so I can't imagine how to survive those holes in your day.

But I've lost some very dear people. How did I deal?

Well, in some ways, I never did.
And at some point "Life isn't fair" hit with the force of celestial enlightenment.
And at another point, I was truly relieved that the deceased was spared something horrible, like the second Gulf War.

I also refused to use euphemism, such as 'lost'. I didn't 'loose' them, like they were my damned car keys - they died. (That helped.)

He died, and you lived, and eventually you will start to find some joy again, and at first you will feel guilty about that, but you will either get over the guilt or die young yourself from some type of self abuse.

I recommend finding joy. You might be ready next Spring. It will start slowly.

And don't worry, you will never stop hurting. You will just hurt less often. You will even be able to remember him some day.



Eat.
Really. This is important.

I know practical advice isn't appropriate at this time, but may I add 'Exercise'?

I'm a depressive and honestly, it helps; just ... walk somewhere; or, do they still have recorded exercise programs? I can't imagine anything less likely to have an unexpected emotional trigger.

If you're miserable anyhow, what better time to eat brussel sprouts and do sit ups?

[Broomstick]

My only thought on reading Brynda's feelings here is to think of when my sister died. For the first week after I had only two goals for each day:

1) Get out of bed
2) Get dressed

I always managed #1 but not always #2. I was so overcome with emotion that I would sometimes spend hours sitting, just numb and half paralyzed with it all, then get up and stagger around the apartment some more.

I've had other relatives die, but nothing hit me like that (not even my mother's recent death knocked me down so hard). Why did that one hurt so much? I'm not really sure, and I have no interest in speculating. It just did. It hurt. It hurt SO BAD. Eventually the pain didn't bother me as much and I got back to living my life. Eventually I had happy days again.

You are not the first to struggle with this. If you need help it is out there. But mostly what you need is time. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. That's how you cross the street, that's how you climb Mt. Everest, that's how you find the way out of the dark, dank cave of grief.

Those of us who have walked that road before don't have a problem listening to you, whether weeping or wailing or incoherently searching for words inadequate to express what you are feeling. We don't have a problem sitting silently with you when you don't want to be alone yet don't want to talk, either. We don't mind handing you yet another box of tissues for yet more tears. We don't mind hearing the stories over and over. We don't mind helping you put one foot in front of the other, for as long as it takes until you can smile in the sunshine again.

{{{hugs}}}

[anya marie]

I am sorry for your loss.