41 years with the same head of hair--Should I set it on fire?

[The Great Sun Jester]

For about 30 years my scalp follicles have served me well. They've provided hair to keep my head warm, and which I could style into a babe-magnet pompadour when the mood took me. My hair has kept chewing gum from soiling my scalp and has provided a convenient handle to assist mother in dispensing the discipline which has made me a good man.

But about 10 years ago the follicles on the top of my head began getting sort of lazy about producing the tresses which defined my persona as a kid. I figured it was just simple male pattern baldness and I would live with it. Oh sure, there’s Rogaine and rugs, but in my heart I would feel undignified using those products. I’m not a liar.

But lately, I don’t know that I’m happy with the state of things. I wonder if I need to settle for my current, aging hairline. I need a change, some excitement, some … je ne se quoi. My hair has given up on me. Really it’s just there, such as it is, because it doesn’t have anyplace else to go. I recently came upon a lighter in the kitchen drawer. It’s been there for years and I’ve never really noticed it until last night when I wanted to light a candle. I’ve lit candles before but last night was surprisingly wonderful. It’s all I can think about today. The way the flame would be calm one moment, and the next it bopped around wildly on the wick. I don’t recall the glow and warmth of a candle flame ever being so comforting before. I find myself wanting to feel that all the time. I want to be a candle. I want to set my hair on fire.

I know it’s crazy but I just can’t help myself. What do The Dopers think?

[Lobsang]

Video-tape the event.

[runner pat]

Wear a glove.

[tdn]

Go for it, but seek the assistance of a qualified barber. He can make it much less hurty.

The liberation of throwing away all combs and brushes is awesome.

[The Great Sun Jester]

Wear a glove.
Well (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=527120) spotted (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=527057).

tdn, I really don't know that I'm ready to cut my hair off. I think it would be better if I just lit it on fire. I probably wouldn't get hurt. Would I?

[Gary "Wombat" Robson]

Just be aware of how incredibly, horribly awful burning hair smells. Be ready to remove anything that doesn't burn quickly and shower a couple of times. It's bad.

[tdn]

tdn, I really don't know that I'm ready to cut my hair off. I think it would be better if I just lit it on fire. I probably wouldn't get hurt. Would I?

It will probably hurt less if you cut it off before burning it, but that adds one more step. I say it's kind of a trade off.

What kind of time pressure are you under?

[Lobsang]

The amount of pain you suffer will be more than made up for by how amusing it will be for the rest of us.

[Malleus, Incus, Stapes!]

Am I really the first one to say this is really a bad idea? Think of your poor hair! It's been with you through thick and thin, covered your head, gone everywhere with you, always there when you needed it. And now you want to callously toss it aside when you no longer get excited by it. Really, I hope you weren't looking for sympathy here, because you're acting like a total jerkwad. Your hair deserves better than you.

[rocking chair]

i think you would be rather surprized about how quickly hair burns. it could get out of control quickly.

it didn't work out well for michael jackson.

[lieu]

When in doubt, wick it out.

[Doctor Jackson]

I always suspected you were a closet flamer, [b]Inigo{/b]. Not that there is anything wrong with that...

[Taber]

You know how healthy forests need a forest fire every so often...I think you may be on to something.

[Merneith]

If you do it, you have to sing The Heat Miser Song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqMrKuTZtNg&feature=related). You could be famous on the internets!

[Markxxx]

You always hear about people selling their hair to wigmakers? If that is true you should sell the hair, then burn the money they gave you for the hair to make the wig :)