What do I do if attacked by pirates?

[KV]

It's not like I carry a lot of money with me, so they may just get some pocket lint, which makes me worry that they'll run me through. I don't even know what that means, but it sounds painfull. Is there anyway to reason with a pirate, or get on his good side?

[socpro69]

Three words: Rum, Sodomy and the Lash. :eek:

[Blackclaw]

The term "Run you through" probably refers to stabbing you with a sword so the pointy end goes all the way through your body. I've heard it smarts.

There still are pirates in the world who attack boats, kill or restrain their occupants, and steal everything. If you find yourself on the open seas being chased by such folks I suggest you run like hell while calling for help on the radio to local authorities.

For more info here's a link to the weekly pirate report:

http://www.iccwbo.org/ccs/imb_piracy/weekly_piracy_report.asp

[hardhead365]

A pirate is an armed robber on a boat. Dealing with an armed robber on land is bad enough, at sea there is no one to hear you, and jurisdiction is likely to be fuzzy. The trials of the boat people fleeing Viet Nam come to mind, as well as some of the unexplained disapperances of people and boats in the Caribean. If you are unarmed and unable to outrun them, your chances aren't very good. Contrary to Walt Disney, pirates are not nice people, nor are they jolly. :(

[Zumba The Cat]

I would ask him to please not kill you. Tell him you want to live for true love.

Make sure you say please.

This is especially effective when dealing with the Dread Pirate Roberts.

[Tymp]

Originally posted by socpro69
Three words: Rum, Sodomy and the Lash. :eek:
Hot damn! Sign me up!

[Diceman]

Everything I've ever read about sailing on the high seas says to carry weapons to prevent piracy. Specifically, they advise that you get the biggest, baddest gun you can and keep it handy whenever anyone approaches your boat. Better yet, stick with the cruise ship tours, since having 1000 witnesses nearby tends to deter most criminal activity.

[Rhythmdvl]

Originally posted by Zumba The Cat
I would ask him to please not kill you. Tell him you want to live for true love.

Make sure you say please.

This is especially effective when dealing with the Dread Pirate Roberts.

Although he'll probably kill you in the morning.

[Doc Moss]

I don't know why, but I have always thought that if you were on the high seas and pirates approached, if you could get some massive speakers that rocked the decibel scale off the wall, pointed it at the pirate's boat and played some sickeningly loud noise, like fingernail scratching on a board, over and over and over, at an earpiercing loudness, they would run.

Don't know why, but I reckon they would.

[Feynn]

"Although he'll probably kill you in the morning... "

...in the most painful manner imaginable.

[broccoli!]

If you get attacked by pirates, hope and pray they're the Tampa Bay Buccaneers... Those guys are pathetic.

broccoli!
(who lives in Tampa, so this joke is o.k.)

p.s. I'm also Jewish, black, Mexican, and a blonde dentist... so I can tell all sorts of jokes :D

[Doc Moss]

I don't know why, but I have always thought that if you were on the high seas and pirates approached, if you could get some massive speakers that rocked the decibel scale off the wall, pointed it at the pirate's boat and played some sickeningly loud noise, like fingernail scratching on a board, over and over and over, at an earpiercing loudness, they would run.

Don't know why, but I reckon they would.

[Ukulele Ike]

When pirates approach, quickly run up the "Quarantine" flag, signifying that your boat is riddled with smallpox.

Them pirates HATE smallpox. They'll go "Arrrrh!" and sail away faster than you can say Jolly Roger.

...Speaking of which, is "jolly roger" simply a term for a successful bout of sodomy?

[c_goat]

Originally posted by Doc Moss
I don't know why, but I have always thought that if you were on the high seas and pirates approached, if you could get some massive speakers that rocked the decibel scale off the wall, pointed it at the pirate's boat and played some sickeningly loud noise, like fingernail scratching on a board, over and over and over, at an earpiercing loudness, they would run.

Don't know why, but I reckon they would.

I didn't get it the first time either :D Is this from a movie or something?

Anyway, yeah, RUN and call for help on the radio. They have automatic weapons and sometimes RPGs (according to the weekly pirate report). You wouldn't stand a chance.

[KV]

Thank God I asked this question, I was just abducted by pirates in the Gulf of Mexico. You've heard those stories about alien abductions? Well they did their probing with hooks instead of fingers. I may not sit down ever again. I'm selling my boat on Ebay, and moving to Montana. Let's see those bastard pirates sail to Montana. Ha ha! You scurvy swines!!. Anyway, I don't think they'll be able to find me. I moved their eye patches to their good eyes. I don't think they noticed, but now they can't see.

[Lamia]

Originally posted by c_goat

Anyway, yeah, RUN and call for help on the radio. They have automatic weapons and sometimes RPGs (according to the weekly pirate report). You wouldn't stand a chance.

That's got Role-Playing Games? That is bad. I sure wouldn't want to face an angry pirate armed with guns and bags full of ten-sided dice.

[Rhythmdvl]

Originally posted by Lamia
[QUOTE]Originally posted by c_goat
That's got Role-Playing Games? That is bad. I sure wouldn't want to face an angry pirate armed with guns and bags full of ten-sided dice.


Ten sided? You should be so lucky as to run into such a bunch of sissy pirates. REAL pirates would leave a four-sided die in the path between your bunk and the bathroom.

[c_goat]

Ha ha ha! You took the bait! I knew someone would.

Funny story (or maybe not), there was a guy I used to work with who was a vietnam veteran and he would talk about RPGs all the time (he was big into explosives too) and I would always think of him throwing copies of Final Fantasy at people.

[ElvisL1ves]

There are real pirates at work in the southwest Pacific, around Indonesia and the Phillippines. Assuming you're on a ship they attack, just use the same principles you would against muggers on land. They almost certainly only want your money and valuables, not your life, so just give it to them quietly. You shouldn't be carrying all that much, anyway. The real pirates generally want the ship's cargo, and even the ship itself (yes, there have been occasional news reports), so they probably only want you not to interfere. I don't imagine you'd find many merchant seamen or anyone else willing to give their lives to protect someone else's insured cargo, anyway.

[don Jaime]

Originally posted by socpro69
Three words: Rum, Sodomy and the Lash. :eek:

Dude, those aren't pirates! That's the Royal Navy!

Now you really know how to be the Master of the Queen's Navee.

Now hiring:

High Seas adventureres. Must have 5+ years experience in the following: plunder, looting, pillaging, rapine. Swordplay knowledge preferred, but not essential. Call evenings, 1-800-R-MATEY

[Blackclaw]

ElvisL1ves,


If they steal your ship, they're probably not going to take you with them which could interfere with your plans on staying alive.

[ElvisL1ves]

Originally posted by Blackclaw
If they steal your ship, they're probably not going to take you with them which could interfere with your plans on staying alive.

Yeah, I know, but your chances are better if you don't resist. If you actually help the pirates, they might even let you have a lifeboat. Unfortunately, if they can't allow living witnesses, it doesn't really matter what you do.

[penael]

I have never heard of such a thing in all my life!!!
I thought those people only copied pornos over childrens cartoons for resale! Who knew they could be so ruthless?!?

[KV]

Originally posted by blessedwolf
Now hiring:

High Seas adventureres. Must have 5+ years experience in the following: plunder, looting, pillaging, rapine. Swordplay knowledge preferred, but not essential. Call evenings, 1-800-R-MATEY

These are those mean pirates that rape the fields and pillage the women.

[Monocracy]

A pirate walks into a bar ...

Pirate: YARRRR, matey! Gimme a brew!
Bartender: OK, but first you have to tell me why you have a steering wheel attached to your crotch.
Pirate: AHRRR, it be driving me nuts!

[Hokienautic]

It must be said: Rum, Sodomy and the Lash would be a GREAT name for a punk rock band! ;)

[Narile]

I remember my brother telling me one time that one of his duties when on cruise in the pacific off of South East Asia was to be ready to run anti-pirate sorties. I seem to remember him actually being involved in a couple of pirate SOS's, doing flybys to locate, but am not certain, I'll have to ask him about it.

[Skwerl]

Didja hear about that new pirate movie coming out?


It's rated AHRRRR.

[aseymayo]

I thought you were supposed to claim you're an orphan and sing!

He is the Pirate King! (Tra-la Tra-la)

[Osip]

Originally posted by Hokienautic
It must be said: Rum, Sodomy and the Lash would be a GREAT name for a punk rock band! ;)
SOunds much like a Pouges albumn actually. Now There is a Punk Bad!
Hell, if they are going to sodomize you anyway Just sing that famous song (cant remember the singer)
I want to sing and dance, I want to sing and dance, I want to be a pirate in a pirate song and dance. With e silver buckled slippers and my tight shiney pants! I want to sing and dance!


Osip

[jb_farley]

Originally posted by Diceman
Better yet, stick with the cruise ship tours, since having 1000 witnesses nearby tends to deter most criminal activity.

I dunno...

Getting run through by a grog-filled pirate's scurvy sword, or listen to Cathy Lee sing that "If my friends could see me now" song.

Still thinking,

jb

[KV]

Originally posted by jb_farley
Originally posted by Diceman
Better yet, stick with the cruise ship tours, since having 1000 witnesses nearby tends to deter most criminal activity.

I dunno...

Getting run through by a grog-filled pirate's scurvy sword, or listen to Cathy Lee sing that "If my friends could see me now" song.

Still thinking,

jb

could it be possible to have the pirate "take care" of Cathy Lee. I mean, if it happens at sea, its legal...right?

[Atrael]

Originally posted by Osip
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Hokienautic
[B]Hell, if they are going to sodomize you anyway Just sing that famous song (cant remember the singer)
I want to sing and dance, I want to sing and dance, I want to be a pirate in a pirate song and dance. With e silver buckled slippers and my tight shiney pants! I want to sing and dance!


Osip


The Pirate Song, by Ray Stevens

[KV]

Originally posted by Atrael
Originally posted by Osip
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Hokienautic
[B]Hell, if they are going to sodomize you anyway Just sing that famous song (cant remember the singer)
I want to sing and dance, I want to sing and dance, I want to be a pirate in a pirate song and dance. With e silver buckled slippers and my tight shiney pants! I want to sing and dance!


Osip


The Pirate Song, by Ray Stevens

Don't look Ethel... It was too late, she had been hooked. By a pirate, ARRRRRGHHHH!!!!

[retsin2000]

What should you do if attacked by pirates?

[old joke]
Well there once was an experienced Spanish navy captain who was bringing gold back from the new world. He had been assigned a new ship with a green crew for this particular voyage. The first day at sea a pirate ship appeared on the horizon. The captain quickly told his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt." The first mate was confused but obeyed. The captain changed into the red shirt and the crew successfully fought off the attack. A day or two later 3 pirate ships appeared. Again the captain told the first mate, "Bring me my red shirt!", this time with a little more urgency. The first mate did as ordered and again the crew successfully fought off the pirates. That night the first mate's curiosity was too much to contain. He asked the captain what the deal was with the shirt. The captain explained that since the crew was green he wore his red shirt into battle in case he were wounded. That way the blood wouldn't show and the crews wouldn't panic at the sight of their leader's injury. The first mate's respect for his new captain grew. A few days latter ten fully armed pirate ships appeared. The captain turned to the first mate and exclaimed, "Bring me my brown pants!."
[/old joke]

[KV]

Bring me my yellow boxers, please. I enjoyed that joke.

[Rhythmdvl]

[snipped old joke]
.
.
.
.
.
...Yarrrrr 'twas the day after I got me 'ook!

[KV]

I guess while wer're on the subject, how did pirates come to use hooks in place of their missing hands. Why not a sword or dagger?

[KV]

Originally posted by KV
I guess while wer're on the subject, how did pirates come to use hooks in place of their missing hands. Why not a sword or dagger?

please frogive my horrid spelepelling. I am a produkt uv floriduh educashun.

[Ukulele Ike]

It's easier to play the harpsichord with a hook than with a sword or a dagger. See Disney's Peter Pan, the Tinkerbell seduction scene.

[KV]

Originally posted by Ukulele Ike
It's easier to play the harpsichord with a hook than with a sword or a dagger. See Disney's Peter Pan, the Tinkerbell seduction scene.

I'd like to tinker with her bells allright

[carnivorousplant]

Originally posted by Feynn
"Although he'll probably kill you in the morning... "

...in the most painful manner imaginable.

...but what about the Rodents Of Unusual Size?

[ElusiveMiser]

On the topic of pirates: I always thought that a scurvy crew sounded so cool, until I found out that scurvy is some horrible infirmity in your mouth, or something. Suddenly, the idea of being the captain of a "scurvy crew" didn't sound so great any more.

[kanicbird]

We prefer to be called privateers.

I suggest running and shooting back.

IIRC any ship not flying a flag in international waters can be concidered a pirate and the naval (including USCG) forces from any country can board that ship.

[Ike Witt]

Don't pirates make people walk the plank anymore? What about the good, old fashioned keel hauling? The classics never go out of style...

[Derleth]

I say, rig your boat with a good old fashioned self-destruct mechanism. A few pounds of C4 near the fuel tanks would serve nicely. See the Russian mafia about getting C4. Pick me up some weapons-grade plutonium while you're over there. At night, the ice weasels come. ::Nuked ice weasel...goodie! :):: Of course, that is a last resort. If you can, take courses in heavy weapons. Become a Moslem and travel to Pakistan. Their unpleasantness with India has produced some rather good religious training camps for warriors, especially those using the Russain gear I told you to get above. As mentioned above, RPGs are a safe bet, but a few Kalashnakovs (AK-47s are the most common type of these) would make those pirates think twice about coming over. Of course, the pirates are likely to be armed as well, making solid steel and reactive armor a good buy. I think you can buy a few T-90s from the aforementioned Russian arms dealers and remove the armor and guns (you can never have too many guns). If you want to go all-out on weapons, buy some antitank missiles (like TOWs, but the Russian variants would probably be cheaper) and just blow the sons of bitches out of the water. I think some send back camera footage, a plus. You just can't beat gun camera footage for late-night movie sessions.

I could go on, but my perimeter alarms are going off. The ice weasels are early, but I have flamethrowers. Good ones, too, factory new from the sweatshops supplying the Taliban militias.

(For all of you that cannot take a (overlong) joke: :p)

[Dandmb50]

I think I'll cancel any plans on sailing around the world.

[The Ryan]

Originally posted by carnivorousplant
...but what about the Rodents Of Unusual Size?
I don't think they really exist.

[KV]

Originally posted by The Ryan
Originally posted by carnivorousplant
...but what about the Rodents Of Unusual Size?
I don't think they really exist.

That's one of my biggest concerns, that the pirates will have rabies infected mega-rodents. The kind you have to shoot twice. Once to kill them, a second time, just cuz they so ugly.

[samclem]

Considering they finished 4 games ahead of the lowlyCubs , I'd say let them take their best shot at you. Chances are good they'll miss.

[tclouie]

They say the contestants on "Survivor" had armed guards at night to protect them from pirates. Bet the guards didn't have to eat rat.

Historical night: joining a pirate crew was a much better deal for a young English boy than joining the Royal Navy. Looser discipline, on-board democracy, lotsa shore leave and a share of the spoils. Of course, the average lifespan was about five years...

Of the Western pirate captains, I think only Henry Avery lived to old age, and a penniless old age at that. Henry Morgan, Governor of Jamaica, doesn't count...he was just privateering for King and Country.

Announcing a new crusade! Captain Kidd was innocent! Write to the New York State legislature! Tell 'em to demand a posthumous pardon from the British Admiralty! No justice no peace!

[tclouie]

Historical NOTE, I meant. Arrrrrh.

[KV]

Originally posted by tclouie
Historical NOTE, I meant. Arrrrrh.


What is the origin of pirates saying " Arrrrrrhh"? Why not " Heeeeeeey "? A bunch of Fonzies... now that's spooky.

[carnivorousplant]

Where are you going that you are worried about pirates?
Been listening to Gilbert and Sullivan?

[samclem]

I'm sure that arrr or arrgh or a variation was either invented by Robert Louis Stevenson, or, barring that, Hollywood.

Try the pirate discussion board (http://www.piratesinfo.com/fact/facts/conduct.htm)

[jb_farley]

what about yo?

"Yo! shiver me timbers!"


jnb

[KV]

Originally posted by jb_farley
what about yo?

"Yo! shiver me timbers!"


jnb

I know the pirates are hip with the times, maybe now its, " Yooooooo, whassssup!!!"

[jb_farley]

A modern-day, hip pirate? Weird.

"Arrrgh, it's a business lunch."

"Could ye get me some grog, or iffen ye be out of grog, a white zinfandel?"

"Now don't ye be calling me, I'll call you."

*honk* *hooonnnnnkk* "By Davy Jones' Locker, ye don't go fifty-five in the passing lane, ye scurvy bastard!" *hoonnkk* fires cannon from port side of his SUV


p.s.- you have to read em all in a harsh /pie'-rat/ voice, or they don' work

[Iolanthe]

Originally posted by ElusiveMiser
On the topic of pirates: I always thought that a scurvy crew sounded so cool, until I found out that scurvy is some horrible infirmity in your mouth, or something. Suddenly, the idea of being the captain of a "scurvy crew" didn't sound so great any more.

My compliments to everyone; I've been giggling like a madwoman throughout this whole thread.

Anyway, Scurvy is Vitamin C (Ascorbic Acid) deficiency. It has many symptoms, including decaying gums and loss of teeth. Hemorrhaging too. A good cross-reference is the Cecil column "Can Man Live by Bread Alone?" Don't have a link at the moment (sorry.) Not a fun disease - eat your lemons, matey.

[KV]

pirates can get scurvy?

[Derleth]

Scurvy is the main reason pirates of old didn't live to be old pirates. Fruit didn't keep very well, so they didn't get enough vitamin C, causing scurvy. The Queen's Navee tried to combat this problem by feeding their sailors limes, earning them, and then all Brits, the nickname/epithet 'limies'. Ironically, limes rank near the bottom when it comes to vitamin C content among citrus fruits.

[KV]

Well, why didn't they take their supplements? Isn't there a GNC on the open seas?

[TwistofFate]

Arrrgghh... call me back, Ishmael.


Would anyone be up for some looting and pillaging on the high seas in the near future?
I always wanted to be a pirate. Never mind the fact that I can't swim, nor do I have a boat, but I still want to be a pirate.

Rum sodomy and the Lash is one of the Pouges best albums.

[BunnyGirl]

Well, according to the romance novelists, the best way is to be a raven/flaxen/auburn haired beauty, full of pride and fire. When the pirates attack the ship that is carrying you to your marriage that your rich but cruel father arranged, you can heave your bosom at the handsome captain (who is really the rich younger son of a duke who was disgraced), whom you hate instantly....but are strangely attracted to despite your protestations.

He will then take you to his cabin and have his way with you. You will despise him but everyday learn to love him more as he breaks your will with his great, throbbing manhood. But, before you can tell him how much you love him,you'll be "rescued" by the Navy and returned to your father and your fiance will be there, ready to consummate the marriage, despite the fact that you've been ravished by pirates.

On the day of your marriage, your captain-love will sweep in through the tower window (where your father has placed you under guard because of your rebelliousness and refusal to marry the finace, who is a pustulated, small-pox faced loser who is cruel and mean, to boot) and take you away to his ship where you will then sail to his private island in the Carribean, ever more to live in love and pleasure.

At least, that's what the books say.

[Tripler]

Originally posted by k2dave
IIRC any ship not flying a flag in international waters can be concidered a pirate and the naval (including USCG) forces from any country can board that ship.

Well, lemme ask another question: if I'm in *international* waters, does the USCG or any other authority have the right to 'pull me over and board me', or can I simply refuse? Obviously if a flagged vessel is preparing to launch a few 5" shells over my canoe, I'd stop, but do I *have* to?

And what about in our own waters for that matter? Don't they need a warrant?

Tripler
Honest questions from an honest fellah.

[Sleepy Weasel]

Actually, even in, oh, say, American territorial waters,you don't "have to" pull over. You have to right to be sunk silently...

[Sleepy Weasel]

Sunken?
Sank?
Sinked?

[KV]

Originally posted by Sleepy Weasel
Sunken?
Sank?
Sinked?


Well since I live on the Gulf of Mexico, my OP regards Floridian pirates. Since we doesn't have the best eddicashun program heuh, I'm guessing it would be "Sinkered". But, it could be a Texan pirate. He could just have his pirate brother in Florida do the dirty work instead.

[KV]

Yes, you know what I am referring to.

[Sleepy Weasel]

That's ok... I hear most Floridian pirates aren't strong enough to run you through, so you'll probably only be dimpled... :D

[KV]

Originally posted by Sleepy Weasel
That's ok... I hear most Floridian pirates aren't strong enough to run you through, so you'll probably only be dimpled... :D

Having been run through, I am now running down my legs.

[KV]

I saw those pirates again today. They took all my rum, but I hid a bottle in my pillowcase.

[Sleepy Weasel]

Safer to put it someplace they would never look. Try pouring it into an old mouthwash bottle. :p

[KV]

Originally posted by Sleepy Weasel
Safer to put it someplace they would never look. Try pouring it into an old mouthwash bottle. :p

when I do that, I'm the one that forgets, and Lord knows I love my mouthwash. I have a bottle of it with each meal. Could that be the reason my organs have shut down...? And here I am blaming pirates for my troubles. Arrrgh

[jb_farley]

Arrgh, why ye scurvy dogs even be wastin yer dubloons on rum, when ye could be buyin the mouthwash for less? Ay, it be minty fresh and it be alcoholic. And so be I. Arrrrghh.

arr,

The feart pirate Jaybeard

[KV]

Originally posted by KV
Originally posted by The Ryan
Originally posted by carnivorousplant
...but what about the Rodents Of Unusual Size?
I don't think they really exist.

That's one of my biggest concerns, that the pirates will have rabies infected mega-rodents. The kind you have to shoot twice. Once to kill them, a second time, just cuz they so ugly.

Well, I shot them twice, and one of those buggers lived and came at me with those nasty rat whiskers dipped in vodka. It bit me and then stuck me with the whiskers... that rat bastard.

[jb_farley]

Arrgh, this thread not be dead yet? To th' plank with it! And don't any of ye mutinous dogs give me trouble, or I'll be keel-haulin the lot of ye...


jb