Broken Heart

[even sven]

It's the same story we all have. Nothing unusual. Done it plenty before, but damn it still hurts.

What do you guys do?

[Khadaji]

Sorry to hear your news. Sending supporting thoughts your way.

[John Mace]

Sometimes the only way to heal that is to find someone else. Then, you end up wondering what all the fuss was about. In the meantime, value the friends you have.

[Jack Batty]

Bury them underneath the floorboards and move on.







... metaphorically speaking, of course.

[Lord Ashtar]

Grieve and move on, my friend. Grieve and move on.

[Gfactor]

I'm moving this from The BBQ Pit to In My Humble Opinion.

Gfactor
Pit Moderator

[norinew]

Yep, a broken heart is a form of grieving. You are grieving a relationship you had envisioned, that now will, apparently, never be.

Allow yourself time to process the grief. Learn from it (if there is anything to be learned). Move on.

Best wishes and good vibes going out to you!

[jjimm]

Oh no. So sorry to hear that. From what little I know of you, I can tell you that you don't deserve it, at all.

I'm in the same club as you right now. Second time 18 months, but I'm coping OK. Last year was bad bad though.

My advice from my recent experiences (and it's only mine, but it's gleaned from others' wisdom, and various books, it most of it seems to work).

Your goal right now is to be indifferent to them. Not to love, not to hate, just not to give a shit. When you're at that stage, then maybe it's appropriate to be back in contact. Before then, it is only likely to hurt you more.

Immediate actions:
Get rid of anything visible that is anything to do with them*.
Get rid of the means to contact them.
Get them off your Facebook friends list.
If possible, don't contact them ever again.
Last year I sucked at all the above, and every time I did any of the above, it ended up hurting for weeks afterwards. This time round, it's been easier.

But to get to the actions in the above list, you have first to accept that it's over. That is the hardest thing to do. (This time round I've achieved it - the thought that something might be salvageable only lasted a few days - and then I drew a veil over it.)

Personal actions:

Comfort yourself for a few weeks. Relieve any pressure that will be too much. Allow the grieving and the tears. Don't be afraid to cancel doing stuff you just don't feel up to.
Gather your social network around you, and let them care for you.
Don't make any major life decisions during this time. You won't be thinking straight.
After a few weeks, turn over a leaf. Get active, start doing things again. Take up new activities.
You will obsess. You will dream. You will become angry. Symptoms might include loss of appetite, insomnia, tearfulness, misdirected anger. They're normal, and they will wear off.

One other symptom may be loss of self-worth. Certainly happened to me last year. This was the most difficult thing to get my head round: it doesn't reflect badly on who you are, how you look, what you do, etc. - it's just one of those things. You are as great as you were before you broke up, and you're just as lovely and vibrant and articulate and clever and gorgeous as you were when you met them. Getting back to this mental position takes time and work, but it does happen.

*Box everything up, and I do mean everything, then write their phone # and email address on a piece of paper and put that in the box. Then give it to a trusted friend to keep far from you. Delete all their emails, and texts, and their phone # from your cellphone. You can still get in touch if you absolutely have to, or retrieve their stuff, but this will make it pretty tough to do.

[even sven]

Thank you guys for the well-wishes and support. I'm old enough and wise enough to know it's not the end of the world. I just wish it didn't have to hurt so damn much. The funny thing is that I wanted to break up with him to begin with. Then, immediately afterwards, I fell madly in love with him. But his heart is hard and I know he's not coming back, no matter how often I wear my sexy skirt.

Unfortunately, we make up 2 out of 5 of the foreigners in my city, and honestly I don't have a pile of other friends here. Not seeing him socially would mean not seeing anyone socially, which would be tough. It also means that finding someone else is unlikely- though he's having a great time with all of the local teenage beauties, much to my dismay.

I know cutting off contact would be better, but we're all stuck in this hothouse for at least another four months. Neither one of us can really leave easily.

I am going to try to spend my weekends out of town, as finances permit. I can deal with teaching during the week, and getting into the hands of good old friends on the weekends. But I can't leave every weekend.

And focusing on my future. I'm applying to grad schools, so I've got plenty of work to do and plenty to look forward to. I'm on my way up.

I've printed out a bunch of affirmations, and they are helping with my self-esteem. Really, I've been using them to battle piles of negative thoughts, and it's working quite well, though it feels pretty silly.

Anyway, thanks all for the advice. I WILL get out of this unscathed, it's just going to take some time. Just, hopefully, not too much.

[Really Not All That Bright]

I know logic doesn't really help soothe the burn, but look at it this way: if you only had 5 guys to choose from, chances are none of them are particularly compatible with you.

Why can't you date a local, by the way?

[even sven]

I could, but there are a lot of factors that make it unlikely. Nearly every man my age (28) is already married or in a serious relationship. The fact is that foreign women are not desirable marriage partners in my area, and culturally at this age relationships are expected to lead directly to marriage. I've known dozens of foreign women who have dated Chinese men, and in 99% of cases, a Chinese finance popped into the picture (or through a window!) eventually.

So it could happen, but the odds are against it, especially in the kind of town where everyone with the brains or means to get out does so as soon as possible.

[MeanOldLady]

Jameson. Neat.

[Barrett Bonden]

I won't admit to mine being broken, but it's bruised. Really bruised. And I've been running. A lot. I don't know if it's fixing the heart, but it helps with the breathing.

Good luck to you.

[jjimm]

I won't admit to mine being broken, but it's bruised. Really bruised. And I've been running. A lot. I don't know if it's fixing the heart, but it helps with the breathing.Yeah, I ran a lot. Still do. It's the best antidepressant out there.

even sven, I'd caution against dating so soon anyway. Four months sounds like a long long time right now, but it's not that long. And four months an ideal time to work on your recovery, and the date you leave can be one you can mark on the calendar and live for - though I'm sure you'll be sad to leave too, for reasons of enjoying where you are, culturally. I was in a similar situation (working with my ex every day for three months while she dated someone else) and it was murder. When she announced she was leaving, I lived for that day. And the day she left the job was a huge relief - but I didn't really fully start to get better until she was out of sight and out of mind.

[Bricker]

even sven I've alluded to my admiration of you before, so hopefully I'm not sounding too much like either a broken record or a creepy stalker when I say: you're awesome. I know you're awesome, your friends know you're awesome, and although it might not be obvious to you right this very second, I suspect you know you're awesome as well.

So. A relationship didn't work, and right at this second the usual cliche about how many fish there are in the sea isn't exactly operative. But four motnhs isn't forever, things will change, and you'll still be awesome.

Focus on your future. Tell yourself how much you rock, because you do. Things that hurt now simply won't hurt later on, and the only way to get from here to there is to let time pass. You have accomplished great things, and I am certain you have many great things along the path you have yet to travel.

[The Devil's Grandmother]

I usually eat too much chocolate, and sometimes I get a haircut.

[pseudotriton ruber ruber]

What's worked for me, ES (and I've survived at least seven partial fractures of the aorta), is finding some other part of my life I've been neglecting, often for the object of my affections, and usually work-related, that I really meant to do, and focusing on that for a while. Sometimes I've revised a hard-driveful of lesson plans, other times I've read some novels that have piled up on my desk, sometimes I've painted the house.

The work must be necessary, not just busy-work, and it must require much of your attention, and you must on some level recognize that it really needs to be done, by you, right now.

Looking for a new guy doesn't qualify as work.

[Spectre of Pithecanthropus]

You once told us the story of how you met someone (not this last one, I hope, because I don't want to stir up sad memories). I don't remember what thread it was, and it would be difficult if not impossible to find now. But you described how you met this guy more or less by chance after a class, or something like that, and there was something about the way you described the event that makes it clear what an intelligent and attractive woman you must be. No, don't anyone look at me like that. I'm happily married. But nobody could have read that story and not been moved.

Just do what everyone's been saying--follow your own pursuits, guided by YOUR interests and goals. The right guy will happen.

[Really Not All That Bright]

What's worked for me, ES (and I've survived at least seven partial fractures of the aorta)
Nitpick: the aorta is an artery. I think you mean ruptures of the vascular organ.

[faithfool]

I second doing something important to you that you've perhaps put on the back burner of late. I also agree that you're a wonderful person and will soon find someone who'll make this romance seem a temporary measure. Finally, if all else fails, there's ice cream.

Good luck and hang in there. You'll be back to your old self in no time.

[kayaker]

For all the negative press they receive, IMHO you can't beat drugs and alcohol.

[even sven]

Heh. He's my drinking buddy, too!

Yeah, the main reason why he left is that honestly I'm a bit out of his league. He's cute and fun, but otherwise a bit of a loser. I'm on my way to bigger and better things. He feels like I'm going to lose interest once we are done with our work here. Honestly, he's probably pretty correct. But damn! Doesn't really hurt less.

I really am better off without him. I've just been lonely so long.

[Patty O'Furniture]

Time wounds all heels.

[Rysdad]

Nitpick: the aorta is an artery. I think you mean ruptures of the vascular organ.

No, fractures. Broken hearts "fracture." They don't "rupture." Everybody knows that.

Anyway, I tried drinking. Turns out I still had the aforementioned heart problem, just with hangovers and guilt in addition.

Went to a doctor and spilled my tale of woe. She prescribed antidepressants. Couldn't tolerate the side effects. Eventually ended up with prescription sleeping pills.

That actually worked. Slept a ton. If I wasn't working, I was sleeping. Maybe the subconscious was able to come to sort of acceptance level while I kept my consciousness sedated.

It wasn't immediate, nor was it a total remission, but it helped.

I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin.'

[anu-la1979]

I cut off contact, set goals for myself and then set about accomplishing them. For me, it was about 1) getting into business school and 2) getting my working paper done to go to Lobby Week on capitol hill.

I think I'm doing pretty good. In 4 months I recaptured 13 years of Not Doing Math, got a 700+ score on the GMATs, formed my committee, wrote 40 b-school essays and am taking two maths classes at UCLA (college calculus and . Once interview season is over (gods willing, I'll get an interview somewhere), I'm going to finish up the working papers.

Although honestly at this point I feel like I'm no longer willing or capable of get emotionally attached to anyone. There seems to be little payoff. I get more satisfaction from winning and accomplishing goals.

[pseudotriton ruber ruber]

Oddly enough, since I wrote the above sage advice on how to recover from a broken heart, I've had mine torn out, stomped on, and ground into dust. MY new GF (of about a month) with whom I was utterly enthralled, just informed me (on the phone) that she wasn't feeling for me the things I'd been feeling for her, so out of consideration for my getting on with my life as quickly as possible, she needed to break up with me tonight.

So I'll try to take my own advice, and find something worthwhile to sink my energies into. Nothing jumps out at me, straight off. Except drinking. And I don't drink, so that's pretty much out.

[pseudotriton ruber ruber]

I can't sleep--it's 5 AM here, and not the slightest signs of sleepiness--so I think I'll start another IMHO thread so not to hijack ES's.

[even sven]

Man, that sucks PRR. It's the other 5 o'clock here, and I just woke up from a nap. I hoped laying down would kill the afternoon for me, but I was barely asleep for half an hour. Now I'm left groggy in PJ's well before dinnertime, with nothing left to do but clutch my cell phone and hope against hope it'll start buzzing.

It's funny how it's such an old story. Maybe the oldest one there is. But it still gets you every time.

[pseudotriton ruber ruber]

Yeah, it's bad, ES, and bad in the same way that I remember bad head-drug experiences being bad: the conviction I have (and you may have too) that not only does this feel awful, I have no chance of it ever feeling otherwise. For the past few weeks, I'd been marvelling that there was only one right person on this planet for me, and how lucky I was that I finally found her--which may be exciting to think, but now I'm in a spot where that same logic tells me "Why even search for someone half as good as her? From here on, it's just a matter of settling for someone remotely acceptable. You'll never find love again--how likely is it that you could even find it the one time?" etc.

Thanks for the kind words, though, ES--and right back at you.

[jjimm]

For the past few weeks, I'd been marvelling that there was only one right person on this planet for me, and how lucky I was that I finally found her--which may be exciting to think, but now I'm in a spot where that same logic tells me "Why even search for someone half as good as her? From here on, it's just a matter of settling for someone remotely acceptable. You'll never find love again--how likely is it that you could even find it the one time?" etc.I echo this, down to every last word.

[even sven]

I know he's out with girls, I'm too teary to do anything productive, but too bored to stay at home. So it's time to go out with friends to self-medicate with alcohol. I gave Mr. Heartache advanced warning, so hopefully this time he doesn't show up with his teenage sluts like he did last time I tried to have a nice dinner with friends.

This city is too small for us.

Ugh.

[Barrett Bonden]

I know he's out with girls, I'm too teary to do anything productive, but too bored to stay at home. So it's time to go out with friends to self-medicate with alcohol. I gave Mr. Heartache advanced warning, so hopefully this time he doesn't show up with his teenage sluts like he did last time I tried to have a nice dinner with friends.

This city is too small for us.

Ugh.

I'm so sorry. That truly sucks. Good luck with the self-medication.

[pseudotriton ruber ruber]

I know he's out with girls, I'm too teary to do anything productive, but too bored to stay at home. So it's time to go out with friends to self-medicate with alcohol. I gave Mr. Heartache advanced warning, so hopefully this time he doesn't show up with his teenage sluts like he did last time I tried to have a nice dinner with friends.

This city is too small for us.

Ugh.

Get drunk but don't make yourself sick, please. Be nice to yourself.

[jjimm]

Drinking takes the edge off, but the hangover doubles the pain.

[kayaker]

Drinking takes the edge off, but the hangover doubles the pain.

. . .which a lil hair-o-the-dog promptly addresses.

kayaker, defender of alcohol;)

[MeanOldLady]

. . .which a lil hair-o-the-dog promptly addresses.

kayaker, defender of alcohol;)Correct. Drinking doesn't cause pain. It's when you stop drinking that it hurts.

[even sven]

Well, I'm a little drunk now. Texted Mr. Heartache all night, even while I know he is out with teenage sluts. But I met a nice police officer. Maybe I can find a local. God knows. Ain't nothing easy in this life.

But I'm drunk now. I'll sleep sound. It'll be okay for one more night. And if I can keep doing one more night eventually my love with fade. It seems like a crime to want to destroy love, but it's what I gotta do. I've been through worse than this!

Thanks for the good words, all. I know I'm just about begging for attention, but we all need to do so once in a while, right? It helps to realize how mundane my troubles are and how many people have gotten over the exact same thing.

[MeanOldLady]

Easy on the drunk-dialing and/or texting. Nothing good can come of it. So what're you drinking? Whatever it is, Angostura Bitters can only make it better.

[kayaker]

^a dash o' bitters, huh? I will have to buy a bottle, seeing how your posts all seem sensible.

[even sven]

Nothing to drink but beer or baijiu (really bad Chinese liquor) around here. I've been hitting weak beer in big bottles. It seems to help.

He started the texting. I'm not being delusional in believing that he does/is going to miss me. He may date local girls, but they are never going to be like me, and he knows it. He missed out on a good thing here. He gave up the best girl he's gonna have, unless he sobers up and finds a job.

But he's right, too. It probably wouldn't have lasted.

I'm so mixed up. How can the best thing feel so wrong?

And is there any possibility of being friends? Right now I'd love to see him suffer like I suffer, but these feelings can't last, right? I need every friend I can get, and honestly our friendship was always stronger than our love anyway, though I hate to admit it.

[jjimm]

Well, I'm a little drunk now. Texted Mr. Heartache all night, even while I know he is out with teenage sluts.Hence my advice upthread about getting rid of the means to contact him.

If you're hurting about him, and about his behaviour, then friends is probably a bad move.

[Sarahfeena]

even sven I've alluded to my admiration of you before, so hopefully I'm not sounding too much like either a broken record or a creepy stalker when I say: you're awesome. I know you're awesome, your friends know you're awesome, and although it might not be obvious to you right this very second, I suspect you know you're awesome as well.

So. A relationship didn't work, and right at this second the usual cliche about how many fish there are in the sea isn't exactly operative. But four motnhs isn't forever, things will change, and you'll still be awesome.

Focus on your future. Tell yourself how much you rock, because you do. Things that hurt now simply won't hurt later on, and the only way to get from here to there is to let time pass. You have accomplished great things, and I am certain you have many great things along the path you have yet to travel.

This is basically what I was going to say. You are young, sven, and you really are an awesome person who is doing stuff with her life that most of us would never have the courage and convictions to do. You will meet somebody just as awesome one of these days, believe me, and this guy will become a faint memory.

[Surly Chick]

I'm in the same club as you right now. Second time 18 months, but I'm coping OK. Last year was bad bad though.[/size]
I'm sorry to hear that jjimm - I remember your last breakup and how painful it was for you. Hang in there. You too, Sven.

Did I ever mention I have a Doper crush on you, jjimm? Now that you're single and emotionally vulnerable...:p

[black rabbit]

He started the texting. I'm not being delusional in believing that he does/is going to miss me. He may date local girls, but they are never going to be like me, and he knows it. He missed out on a good thing here. He gave up the best girl he's gonna have, unless he sobers up and finds a job.


Wait, didn't you dump him first? Why do you want him back, if he's such a loser?


And is there any possibility of being friends? Right now I'd love to see him suffer like I suffer, but these feelings can't last, right? I need every friend I can get, and honestly our friendship was always stronger than our love anyway, though I hate to admit it.

Never underestimate male pride over this kind of thing. His self esteem probably took a beating when you broke up with him, so he's following the timeworn advice given to every other guy who's been through the same thing - go out and do something (or somebody) fun.

If you can't accept him running around with teenage sluts, then you probably won't be able to be friends with him. He's doing what he needs to do right now, and it's up to you to do the same for yourself.

[jjimm]

I'm sorry to hear that jjimm - I remember your last breakup and how painful it was for you. Hang in there. You too, Sven.

Did I ever mention I have a Doper crush on you, jjimm? Now that you're single and emotionally vulnerable...:pThanks, Surly Chick, and thanks for remembering the pain I went through. That makes me feel a little better.

[Nzinga, Seated]

I'm an organized wallower. I give myself certain times to talk long sad walks, listen to heartwrenching love songs, cry my eyes out soaking in the tub.

But then, you shake it off and really let it go so that you can enjoy your day, or your work, or your dinner or whatever. And the next night, I may wallow a little more.

Eventually I'm ok. Because, really; if you are a great person with a great outlook on life, there is no way you are not going to find happiness in life...including the romance area. It will be ok.

[even sven]

Today went a bit better- probably because we haven't been in touch. I just feel a bit deflated, is all. We got a new foreigner in town (not my type, unfortunately!) and so new friends should distract me. We're both stuck here together all weekend. Hopefully it goes okay. Sigh.

Really, again, thanks for the support. The hardest part of this is that I don't have anyone to really talk to about this. You guys are lifesavers!

[Surly Chick]

Thanks, Surly Chick, and thanks for remembering the pain I went through. That makes me feel a little better.

Happy to help. If you weren't so far away, I'd be happy to, ummm, comfort you! :D

Frankly, I'm tired of having my heart ripped out and stomped to little pieces so I've put myself on the shelf. I just moved to a new area and don't know a soul so it wasn't so hard to do. I'm just hanging with my dog who loves me unconditionally and doesn't leave the toilet seat up. But if he dumps me, I'm not sure what I'm going to do...

[Barrett Bonden]

Really, again, thanks for the support. The hardest part of this is that I don't have anyone to really talk to about this. You guys are lifesavers!

Hope today is a better day also. :)