Peyton Manning Myths

[Quercus]

I just saw a thread with this title on a football board. Sadly when I looked it was some boring blah blah blah about good QBs and should they get credit for wins and blah blah, and the guy who plays for the professional team that it based near where you live is not quite as good a player as the guy who plays for the team based near where I live blah blah blah.

Not at all what I was hoping for when I saw the title. So I promised myself that l'd start the thread that is what I was hoping for.

So now it's up to the SDMB: Get inspired by Chuck Norris and the internet and give your Peyton Manning Myths/Facts here!

I'll start:


Peyton Manning cuts the crusts off of Wonderbread because they're "too spicy".


Peyton Manning's discarded shoelace once passed for 226 yards in a high school football game.


Peyton Manning celebrates after a big win by adding mayonnaise and american cheese to his post-game bologna sandwich.


Peyton Manning finds reading defenses so easy, he's learning to do it in Braille.

[Darth Sensitive]

Payton Manning doesn't wear condoms because there is no protection from him.

His calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd because no defense fools Payton Manning.

Manning's throwing arm undergoes yearly checks from UN Weapons Inspectors.

It's impossible for Manning to hit the broad side of a barn. When he rifles it in there, the whole thing falls down out of fear.

The Chinese had no way to stop Manning going deep on them, so they built a wall to jam his wideouts at the line.

[Oakminster]

Peyton Manning is too smart to spit into the wind, but he tugged on Superman's cape AND pulled the mask off that old Lone Ranger. I wouldn't mess with him.

Peyton was fishing with Archie and Eli. They ran low on beer, so Peyton walked across the lake to get more.

[Bootis]

Peyton Manning does all of those endorsements for free, because he's just a good guy.

Peyton Manning would have 10 Untainted Super Bowl rings if the Patriots weren't such cheating cheaters

[A Spoonful of Awesome]

The US Department of Homeland Security implemented a new level of terrorist threat.

In order of severity:

Green - Low risk
Blue - General risk
Yellow - Significant risk
Orange - High risk
Red - Severe risk
Peyton Manning - We are royally and irreversibly fucked risk

[Really Not All That Bright]

Bill Belichick passes on 4th and short rather than punt the ball to Manning. Oh, wait... ;)

The monkey that was removed from Peyton Manning's back when he won the Superbowl was the third largest silverback gorilla specimen ever weighed.

Peyton Manning has never read the Indianapolis Colts' playbook. He mutters pass routes in his sleep and Tom Moore scrawls them into notebooks for the rest of the offense to study.

The NFL Quarterback Challenge was discontinued in 2007 because fucking Peyton Manning!

The EA Sports Madden NFL video game franchise was nearly abandoned in 2002 because programmers could not figure a way to fit Peyton Manning into a 99-point scale.

[FoieGrasIsEvil]

Peyton Manning owns a Mastercard.

[Quercus]

Good so far, but remember, he's not just a good quarterback, he's also perhaps the whitest, blandest person on the planet. Other star quarterbacks impregnate movie stars out of wedlock, toy with the emotions (and weight) of popstars, go to prison for dogfighting, crash their motorcycle or wear pantyhose, drink with abandon and sexually harass sideline reporters. Or at least, failing that, have rags-to-riches stories of working in a supermarket for a while before getting a break and becoming a top-ranked QB again.

Peyton just.... has a brother.

So, guys I want to see some stepping up on that end of the legend that is Peyton Manning:


Peyton Manning regularly writes letters to Indianapolis newspapers complaining about Elvis Presley's so-called music and its destructive effects on American Youth.


Peyton Manning danced. Once. (for twenty minutes, in the Maria... Oh, no wait, never mind).


Peyton Manning's idol would be Johnny Unitas, except that Peyton considers him a little too crazy and out of control, personality-wise.


The Colts had a play called "23 screw right", but had to change the name because Peyton Manning was too embarrassed to say it out loud.

[Really Not All That Bright]

Peyton Manning doesn't look off the safety with his eyes. He telekinetically moves the safety away from his receiver.

[Munch]

Peyton Manning doesn't make adjustments during halftime - he calls his Mom to tell her when he'll be home.

[Marley23]

When he's not calling signals or doing TV, Peyton Manning speaks like the male protagonist in a Jane Austen novel.

[FoieGrasIsEvil]

Other star quarterbacks crash their motorcycle or wear pantyhose

...and rape horse-faced Vegas hotel employees...

[ShibbOleth]

Peyton Manning, while still at Tennessee, almost beat the University of Florida one year.

[zamboniracer]

Peyton Manning is so bland he's allowed to endorse both Miracle Whip and Hellman's Mayonnaise simultaneously.

[cmkeller]

(I believe this line was originally said about someone else in a book by baseball player Jay Johnstone, but it seems to fit the "blandness" meme you want)

After winning the Super Bowl, Peyton Manning went out and painted the town beige.

[Drain Bead]

An actual rumor I heard once was that Peyton Manning's wife packs his suitcase for every trip, and puts notes on each piece of clothing to show him what shirt and tie to wear with what suit, otherwise he'd be horribly mismatched.

[Munch]

An actual rumor I heard once was that Peyton Manning's wife packs his suitcase for every trip, and puts notes on each piece of clothing to show him what shirt and tie to wear with what suit, otherwise he'd be horribly mismatched.

Mike Golic just admitted that same thing yesterday morning.

[Drain Bead]

I can totally see that with Golic.

I just sent this thread to my husband, who loves stuff like this, and we've been bouncing some back and forth in IMs. Here are the gems.

Bill Belichick passes on 4th and short from his own 28 rather than punt the ball to Manning.

Peyton Manning returned to the University of Tennesee for his senior year to send his team to another Citrus Bowl.

Peyton Manning decided that the Heisman Trophy should go to a defensive player instead of him.

[Enginerd]

Peyton Manning's wife packs Mike Golic's suitcase for him? I thin Peyton may want to have a few words with Mike...

[Really Not All That Bright]

I just sent this thread to my husband, who loves stuff like this, and we've been bouncing some back and forth in IMs. Here are the gems.

Bill Belichick passes on 4th and short from his own 28 rather than punt the ball to Manning.
*ahem*

Miss post 6, didja?

[Tom Scud]

Peyton Manning's wife packs Mike Golic's suitcase for him? I thin Peyton may want to have a few words with Mike...

Peyton's wife packs the suitcases of every player in the NFL.

... she also packs a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for each of them.

[Wargamer]

When the Colts won the Super Bowl in Miami, his teammates had to spray Peyton Manning with milk rather than champagne.

Tim Tebow wears Peyton Manning pjs.

Peyton Manning went on vacation to the Virgin Islands last summer. And while he COULD HAVE forced a name change, he chose not to, because he's just that nice of a guy.

[kunilou]

Peyton Manning was spotted at a strip club with his teammates. He was serving them food so they wouldn't have to keep going back through the buffet line.

Peyton Manning drives a Kia Optima. To trick it out he added an automatic transmission.

Peyton Manning loves the Colts but dislikes Indianapolis because the lifestyle is too wild.

[Marley23]

Peyton Manning's favorite fictional character is Narrator. He refers to French Vanilla as "foreign food" and will not eat anything with that flavor. Although in fact he normally avoids vanilla because the taste too strong.

[Nars Glinley]

Peyton Manning won't wear tighty-whities because they're too flashy.

Peyton Manning won't play solitaire because it's a form of gambling.

Peyton Manning was the inspiration for the PC vs Mac commercials.

Peyton Manning asked Larry Bird for cool pointers.

Peyton Manning uses a Betamax because VHS is unproven.

[Quercus]

Nice job, team! Way to give 110 percent, and leave it all on the field, uh, that is, board.

Just so ya'll know, ripping off Richard Pryor or Chris Rock for 'He is so white that...' routines is officially against the rules of the OP, but only if I recognize them. And I can't find any of my Pryor albums.

As of now, Munch just earned a spot on the starters, for combining "QB" and "Wonderbread" themes in one.


By the way, does anybody know if it's true that Peyton Manning's favorite quarterback was George Blanda until Peyton found out it was a name, not a description?

[ToeJam]

Peyton Manning went on vacation to the Virgin Islands last summer. And while he COULD HAVE forced a name change, he chose not to, because he's just that nice of a guy.

Actually, I heard it was because he simply didn't want to force a Virgin into doing anything rash or drastic. He told the Virgin Islands to wait until they became the Married Islands.

[Drain Bead]

You all might appreciate this KSK thread about Drew Brees: http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/12/sean-taylor-memorial-meast-of-the-week-%e2%80%93-week-12.html

Make sure you read the comments.

[Really Not All That Bright]

Best one: "Drew Brees thinks your nickname for Chris Johnson is hilarious".

[MeDrewNotYou]

Bill Belichick passes on 4th and short rather than punt the ball to Manning. Oh, wait... ;)

The monkey that was removed from Peyton Manning's back when he won the Superbowl was the third largest silverback gorilla specimen ever weighed.

Peyton Manning has never read the Indianapolis Colts' playbook. He mutters pass routes in his sleep and Tom Moore scrawls them into notebooks for the rest of the offense to study.

The NFL Quarterback Challenge was discontinued in 2007 because fucking Peyton Manning!

The EA Sports Madden NFL video game franchise was nearly abandoned in 2002 because programmers could not figure a way to fit Peyton Manning into a 99-point scale.

And RNATB with the game winning comment!

Peyton's wife packs the suitcases of every player in the NFL.

... she also packs a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for each of them.

Little known fact: Ashley Manning packs a sack lunch for every fan at Lucas Oil Stadium every single home game.

[Really Not All That Bright]

I figured if I threw out 40 of them one would have to be good. ;)

[Bootis]

The only reason RNATB won was because Peyton Manning didn't play.

[Drain Bead]

Best one: "Drew Brees thinks your nickname for Chris Johnson is hilarious".

That's especially funny if you read the thread on there about how they couldn't come up with a good nickname for Chris Johnson. As is often the case over there, the commenters are funnier than the posts.

[Nars Glinley]

Peyton Manning drew up "The Play" for Cal.

Helmet to helmet contact with Peyton Manning is illegal because defenders might get hurt.

Peyton Manning is not subject to entropy.

Peyton Manning refers to Brett Favre as "Wienie Arm".

Peyton Manning doesn't slide; the earth rises to meet him.

[Shagnasty]

I know the food references are a joke but Payton Manning is from New Orleans and certainly got exposed to lots of exotic and decadent culture growing up. His wife is from Memphis and a nice Southern girl. They aren't midwestern bland by any stretch.

[MeDrewNotYou]

I know the food references are a joke but Payton Manning is from New Orleans and certainly got exposed to lots of exotic and decadent culture growing up. His wife is from Memphis and a nice Southern girl. They aren't midwestern bland by any stretch.

Maybe so, but just listen to him do post-game interviews for a season! His persona is about the most white-bread in the league. Manning would probably be Hank Hill's favorite quarterback with nothing to do with the Cowboys.

[Really Not All That Bright]

Southern people can be bland too!

[Munch]

I know the food references are a joke but Payton Manning is from New Orleans and certainly got exposed to lots of exotic and decadent culture growing up. His wife is from Memphis and a nice Southern girl. They aren't midwestern bland by any stretch.

What, you're also going to tell us that Chuck Norris' period table doesn't actually only contain one element - the element of surprise?!

[Tom Scud]

Surprise AND fear.

[Nars Glinley]

What, you're also going to tell us that Chuck Norris' period table doesn't actually only contain one element - the element of surprise?!

I'm pretty sure that Chuck Norris doesn't have periods.

[Tom Scud]

I'm pretty sure that Chuck Norris doesn't have periods.

Only exclamation points!

[Really Not All That Bright]

I'm pretty sure that Chuck Norris doesn't have periods.
Why not? Even blood runs from Chuck Norris.

[Speak to me Maddie!]

My wife is going to love this thread. We are Texans fans, so naturally we hate the Colts*. My wife goes crazy when we are watching a game without the Colts and the commenters mention Peyton. No matter what great feat was just performed on field she swears the announcer will find a way to end up talking about Manning. Now, every time an announcer compliments a player for anything she interjects with, "but not as good as Peyton Manning". She calls the NFL the PMFL.

*I wish I could hate Peyton, but he really is a class act and deserves his success.

[Marley23]

Maybe so, but just listen to him do post-game interviews for a season! His persona is about the most white-bread in the league.
True. However he, or at least the people who write for him in commercials, have figured out how to use this for really funny effect.

[Speak to me Maddie!]

True. However he, or at least the people who write for him in commercials, have figured out how to use this for really funny effect.
He was also really funny in his SNL apperance, so he has some innate sense of humor.

[Sinaijon]

True. However he, or at least the people who write for him in commercials, have figured out how to use this for really funny effect.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/1603/saturday-night-live-united-way

His SNL after winning the super bowl is one of my favorites...

[MeDrewNotYou]

True. However he, or at least the people who write for him in commercials, have figured out how to use this for really funny effect.

I love the new Mastercard commercial. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ta-67WWZ49Q) Manning's reaction when the guy (Jeff Saturday, I think) says, "Its a football." is great.

[Darth Sensitive]

"Coach said you got cut."

...

"Oh, cut cut."

[Quercus]

I've got one!

Peyton Manning is so boring he makes Tiger Woods seem interesting.


Oh, wait, right.

Never mind. I guess I'll keep working on that one.

[ToeJam]

I love the new Mastercard commercial. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ta-67WWZ49Q) Manning's reaction when the guy (Jeff Saturday, I think) says, "Its a football." is great.

For even MORE amusing moments, check out the outtakes (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9oHG4_zRpw&feature=related)from that commercial.

[MeDrewNotYou]

For even MORE amusing moments, check out the outtakes (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9oHG4_zRpw&feature=related)from that commercial.

"I'll give you a hint. Go long."

And he was going to get the mouth guard bronzed, but its still wet. That's a thoughtful gift!

[Jules Andre]

Peyton Manning drives a Kia Optima. To trick it out he added an automatic transmission.

I hate to correct you on this, but I thought it was common knowledge that Peyton Manning drives a Dodge Stratus.

[I Love Me, Vol. I]

Little known fact: Ashley Manning packs a sack lunch for every fan at Lucas Oil Stadium every single home game.I heard it was a box lunch...

[I Love Me, Vol. I]

I know the food references are a joke but Payton Manning is from New Orleans and certainly got exposed to lots of exotic and decadent culture growing up. His wife is from Memphis and a nice Southern girl. They aren't midwestern bland by any stretch.And best of all, I get the sense that Peyton (and probably Archie, Eli, and the rest of the family too) are waaaaaaay far from being Bible-Thumping Jesus-Freaks.

I remember the post-game trophy presentation after the Colts won the Super Bowl and team owner Jim Irsay was going on and on about, "We just give all the credit to Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ...), and then it was coach Tony Dungy's turn to speak and he also gave credit to God but in a far more subdued and appropriate manner (read: sane) then young Jimmy did.

During their yammering Peyton looked more uncomfortable than if he'd just thrown 6 interceptions against the Pats. And then when it was his turn to speak he actually talked about.... well-executed football and his teammates! Can you believe it??? No mention of any Magic Space-Faeries at all! He earned my respect that day far more for his level-headed rationality than for his incredible football talent. That's not exactly my idea of "middle-America white-bread".

A great deal of Manning's success comes from his intelligence, and part of being intelligent means you don't depend on Imaginary-Touchdown-Jesus to do your job for you. You're too smart to look up and point to the Sky after a big play because you know there's nothing up there but air. Empty sky don't win no football games. Rational game-plans and execution do.

You want brainless, white-bread, herd-following? Kurt Warner is a pretty damn-good quarterback. But he's never going to be a great human because he has an unfortunate psychosis warping his brain that has deluded him into thinking Jesus makes his arm throw straight, strong and true. That's beyond way white bread--that's Jimmy Jones' proprietary Flavr-Aid punch.

Read that defense, Kurtsie. Quick! Is that a nickle package? Or is it SATAN? Pray now... Jesus will guide you. Pretty easy to go through life without thinking, isn't it?

Y'all need to lay off Peyton. He's pretty bland, but he seems to like it that way, and he doesn't have to live any way other than how he chooses to.

[Oakminster]

Y'all need to lay off Peyton. He's pretty bland, but he seems to like it that way, and he doesn't have to live any way other than how he chooses to.

You need to lay off Christians. Most of them are pretty bland, but they seem to like it that way, and they don't have to live any other than how they choose to.

[I Love Me, Vol. I]

You need to lay off Christians. Most of them are pretty bland, but they seem to like it that way, and they don't have to live any other than how they choose to.Yeah... most of them seem to like it that way but they don't know any better. Have they heard the Good News? If they have, and they comprehended it, then they are no longer Christians. Alas, It's Taking Longer Than We thought.

[Oakminster]

Yeah... most of them seem to like it that way but they don't know any better. Have they heard the Good News? If they have, and they comprehended it, then they are no longer Christians. Alas, It's Taking Longer Than We thought.

:rolleyes:

[I Love Me, Vol. I]

:rolleyes:Oh dear! That response isn't very Forgiving, now is it? WWJD?

[Maserschmidt]

Oh dear! That response isn't very Forgiving, now is it? WWJD?

Oh, c'mon now...WWPD?

[Snickers]

Payton Manning would rather live in Wyoming or Iowa where it's less wild than Indiana, but they don't have professional football teams.

[Chicagojeff]

I have no issue with thanking God.. or Jesus Christ at all.. i do remember after Mark Brunell and the Jags laid that assthumping to end Dan Marino's career.. that Brunell got up and damn near gave a sermon.. i forgot who had the mike.. but they were like.. umm Jimmy Smiths and (forgot the other wideout on that solid Jags team.. he was cut by my Bears of course) such and such really got open for you today..

[Really Not All That Bright]

The other starting wideout on that Jags team was Keenan McCardell, who never played for the Bears.

[Jamicat]

under mannings hand towel is just another offensive lineman

mannings receivers don't look for the ball...the ball finds them

manning doesnt throw the ball...time and space rip and suck the ball through the defense

manning doesnt scramble...the earth spontaneously rotates in that direction

under mannings helmet is just another football throwing fist ;)

[Snickers]

"Elijah" is Hebrew for "Not Payton."