Think of the persons you love most. Can you articulate why you love them?

[Skald the Rhymer]

The question in the thread title is not rhetorical. While I'm perfectly happy to hear praises of parents, spouses, children, & best friends, I'm just as interested in whether there are Dopers who would say they love someone for reasons they cannot explain, even to themselves.

[BigT]

I don't think you can ever explain exactly why you love someone. You can cover why you love them in the moment, but it's impossible to explain entirely.

[gladtobeblazed]

I love them because they make my life worth living.

[mauxlicious]

I certainly can't explain why I love myself so much. Scratch that. I just remembered it's because I'm awesome.

[panache45]

Yes, I can perfectly articulate why I love him. But it would require way more typing than I can do now. I don't believe that people can just randomly love for no reason whatsoever . . . or that anyone would want to be the recipient of that kind of love.

[RandMcnally]

I love her because she is everything I wish I were.

Especially the green eyes. I'd kill to have green eyes.

[Zoe]

I've never gotten over the image of this grown man jumping and splashing in great big rain puddles with a rainbow over his shoulders and jazz all around.

That was twenty-five years ago, and just the beginning.

[HazelNutCoffee]

Because he's Irish!

Also because he has a shameless tendency to make bad puns whenever possible.

[miamouse]

It's hard to articulate why I love my kids. They're just my kids, so I love them.

My recent romance, I love because he somehow found a way to make me feel that I could trust him to lean on him for support, even if I was too stubborn to. He was also smart where I wasn't, liked to talk.... there's dozens of other reasons, and not enough space here.

[IdahoMauleMan]

The question in the thread title is not rhetorical. While I'm perfectly happy to hear praises of parents, spouses, children, & best friends, I'm just as interested in whether there are Dopers who would say they love someone for reasons they cannot explain, even to themselves.

Because she puts up with me.

[olivesmarch4th]

I can articulate fairly well why I love Sr. Olives. I have a number of good, practical reasons for loving him -- he is calm and steady and consistent, smart and compassionate and responsible. We have wildly different personalities but the same values and interests, which makes life both interesting and generally conflict-free. He'll pretend to be an amoeba or an octopus just to make me smile, or wrap me up in a blanket and call me an ''olives burrito,'' or talk to me about politics or ninja turtles or whatever.

But it always feels as though I've left something out. No matter how much I say about him and the joy he brings to my life, there's always something to add. ''No,'' I think to myself as I review the above explanation, ''That's not good enough. I left out our history, his bravery, his patience, the color of his eyes...'' I could write a thousand volumes and it wouldn't feel like enough, because I can't believe this love is happening to me, has happened, for the last eight years. I know only a minority of people get this gift we have been given, and it feels like a miracle still. I don't know how I got so lucky, but words are never enough.

[Bam Boo Gut]

Kindness

[Quartz]

Some things go beyond words.

[snowmaster]

I've often been of the opinion that explainable love isn't real, its an infatuation or someone trying to justify lust. You can't explain or reason for true love. No disrespect to those making the attempt, I try all the time, its called flattery. Just that I can never really explain why.

[RickJay]

I love my daughter because she loves me. I love her because she's cute and silly and smart and funny. I love her because when I pick her up from school she screams "DADDY!" and runs to me to hug me and it makes me feel like the most important person in the world to her which is all I need. I love her because she teaches me things. I love her because it's hilarious when she says she's a baby T-Rex and stomps around the house announcing that baby T-Rexes would love a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, please. I love her because I get to watch her grow up, to turn from a baby to a toddler to a preschooler and someday to a child and a teenager and an adult, and the process is truly fascinating. I love her because I could be having the shittiest day ever but when I look at a picture of her my face breaks into a huge smile. I love her just because shes my child and that makes me love and it makes me happy that she's mine.

[Not a Platypus]

I can give plenty of reasons that I like, appreciate and respect him. Those combine with something else that I really can't explain. Everything together is why I don't want to imagine my life without him.

[BubbaDog]

Hey, is this some trick to get us to help you write an anniversary card? :dubious:

[corkboard]

No, I can't. But if you could see my smiling face right now and I told you that it's because I've been thinking about my wife and kids, that's as articulate as I can get on the subject.

[Zeldar]

I tried to find the title of the Hal Linden movie (I think) where he had a fling with a woman about half his age and was doing well with the differences until they got to discussing music and movies and such things. He decided the younger woman wasn't what he needed and went to one closer to his age who could share memories of things he valued.

I'm not Hal and my love interest is not the one I went to after a failed attempt with a younger woman.

But the fact that we seem to complement what parts of our experiences that we don't actually share makes the hard times so much easier to tolerate. We always seem to get pretty much the same points from things we enjoy and words aren't all that necessary to say so.

[DivineComedienne]

I think that everyone has "needs" to be filled, and for some reason, the person you love fills that need.

Sometimes those needs are healthy and productive, and sometimes they may be unhealthy and damaging. But you still try to fill that "hole".

I think this why, frequently, opposites attract - you are attracted to/love the traits that you don't have yourself. One of my ex-SOs was very quiet and shy, and I'm open and talkative. Over time, I seemed to make him a little more outgoing, and I felt calmer when he was around.

[Perciful]

I love a lot of people just because they make me smile, make me think, do something I respect. I can articulate it and just this morning told a friend I love her. I am just a channel in some cases. I understand why though but it's too long to go into.

[cjepson]

This is going to sound sappy, but... you know the part in Winnie the Pooh where Tigger looks in the mirror and days "I've found someone else just like me. I thought I was the only one"? Well, that's how I felt when I met my wife, at age 40. I was beginning to wonder if she was ever going to show up.

We are not identical -- there are some marked differences. But we have so much in common ... I see some other couples who have to work to adapt to each other and find common ground ... we don't have to do that -- we're already there. Being with her is being home.

There's lots more besides that, but that's what I think of as the foundation.

[Skald the Rhymer]

Hey, is this some trick to get us to help you write an anniversary card? :dubious:

Sadly, no.

Anyway, the question wasn't "Why do you love your spouse?" It was "Can you articulate why you love the people you love?" I just didn't want to cut off discussion needlessly.

[Swallowed My Cellphone]

I certainly can't explain why I love myself so much. Scratch that. I just remembered it's because I'm awesome.You are awesome. That's why I love you.

:: prepares stalking kit ::

[Winston Smith]

I love my wife because she believes in me.

~Santa

[Skald the Rhymer]

I love my wife because she believes in me.

~Santa

But will you ever know just what she sees in thee?

[kenobi 65]

But will you ever know just what she sees in thee?

Time to go back to your room and take your medicine, Mr. Rogers.

[Redwing]

I don't think I could put into words why I love my wife. I can make lists of her qualities, and explain why I find them endearing, but such lists always seem to miss something at the core. I can tell stories of our life together, but they're fragments of the whole. I could analyze this old emotion until the cows come home, but I don't believe I'd find all of its roots. "She seems to fit," my sister said the first time my wife met my extended family. It's not sufficient, but it's certainly true.

I know what I feel when I see her picture on my desk. I know that even in our darkest moments or harshest fights that that feeling is still there. It's the rope that I cling to, the well that fills me. I do not truly know why it is, just that it is.

It may not read like it, but I'm not a romantic, or a believer in true love. We laid the foundation of our life together with care and deliberateness, and with an understanding that we would grow and change in ways that we could not then understand. I'm not sure how, but we managed to keep that foundation together and adapt it when it no longer fit who we were. I still don't really know why, just that we did.

I've spent the last decade and a half trying to understand why we love each other, and I'm fairly certain it'll take more than twice that long before I've found all of my half.

[tdn]

Well, there are quite a few people who I love, so which one do I pick?

I'll have to say my youngest niece. I'm not sure what it is about her, but it's like we have this secret language, and we're the only two with the decoder rings.

[Magiver]

The question in the thread title is not rhetorical. While I'm perfectly happy to hear praises of parents, spouses, children, & best friends, I'm just as interested in whether there are Dopers who would say they love someone for reasons they cannot explain, even to themselves.Communication.

[Skald the Rhymer]

Communication.

Communication is aided by the use of complete sentences.

[TruCelt]

-She has an incredible brain, and a heart the size of all outdoors.
-She can watch the same movie 50 times, and still get sad when things appear to be going badly for the hero.
-She wants to help, and is devastated when she can't.
-She absolutely will not walk away while a friend of hers is upset.
-She loves to learn and her eyes light up when she doesn't understand something.
-She almost never cries, and when she does, it's usually over someone else's pain.
-She lets me help her - except when she doesn't - and then she'd rather do without than admit she can't do it herself.

She'll be three years old next month, and getting to know her has been one happy surprise after another.

[Pushkin]

It's hard to articulate why I love my kids. They're just my kids, so I love them

Ditto for my own little girl. She's just my little menace, always was, always will be. Can't imagine how she can be any cuter, then next time I see her, she's cuter again.

[CrazyCatLady]

You know, I don't think I could articulate why I love my family and friends. My loved ones are wonderful people, and I could rattle on for an eye-glazingly long time about all their sterling qualities that I love.

But the things I love about them are not why I love them. It's two totally different concepts, and damned if I could begin to explain what, exactly, the difference is. I just know that there is a difference.

[WittyScreenName]

She is somehow classy and silly at the same time.

she...
- can talk about music, art and culture
- can point out design and architectural details most people miss
- knows the fancy stuff but is satisfied with grilled meat over an open fire
- and never misses a good "that’s what she said!" opportunity.

I am in awe at her resourcefulness and ingenuity.
Can cook, garden and grow actual food, make jam, etc...

She always giving and rarely demanding.
But most importantly, she knows who she is in a way that makes me really enjoy being an adult.

P.S. and looking darn good doesn't hurt a bit either.

[taxi78cab]

My godmother passed away last Sunday and I wrote a blog post trying to capture who she was, why she had been such a big part of my life, and why I loved her, but nothing I came up with seemed adequate. How can you capture a person in a few paragraphs? How can you explain everything they've done for you, every memory? How can you explain to someone else the joy of just sitting and having a conversation?

Each person we love is different, the way we love two different people is entirely different, and the way that two of us here experience love - even if it's the same kind of love, whether romantic or familial or friendship - is different. So even though we're all talking about the same thing and trying to explain the same thing to each other, I don't think it's possible for someone else to know exactly what it's like to be me and to experience the love for my family and friends exactly the way I do.

And words are certainly an inadequate means of trying to convey those experiences.

[Magiver]

Communication is aided by the use of complete sentences. Fair enough. The ability to communicate is the backbone of a relationship and is therefore the metric by which it is measured.

Good communication involves a high level of trust which translates into the ability to share the most intimate of feelings and information. Great communication means you don't have to use complete sentences. The simplest of facial expressions can say what words cannot.

[olivesmarch4th]

Fair enough. The ability to communicate is the backbone of a relationship and is therefore the metric by which it is measured.

Good communication involves a high level of trust which translates into the ability to share the most intimate of feelings and information. Great communication means you don't have to use complete sentences. The simplest of facial expressions can say what words cannot.

I read something way back about how couples have been shown to be extremely good nonverbal communicators. So much so that scientists often don't understand what they're talking about.

I believe it. It seems of half of my interactions with my husband consist of nonsense words, weird sounds and exaggerated facial expressions.

We have excellent communication... probably to a rather nauseating extent. However, if there is some research to suggest that lack of communication isn't a significant cause of marital conflict. That's what John Gottman (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Gottman) claims, anyway. He is well-respected in the field, but his research methodology has not gone unchallenged.

[Rala]

When I think of my family, I really can't explain why I love them. Except to say "Because they're my parents, because he's my brother and because she's my little sister ... Duh." I can't come up with anything resembling an actual reason. They're just my people. I can't remember a time when I didn't love them or imagine a time when I'll stop. They're part of who I am.

With the people I 'chose' to love, it's a little easier. Or a little more difficult, since I don't have a "just because" to fall back on. I could write pages and pages of things I love about my best friend (we have great arguments, he makes me laugh, we're opposites in a lot of interesting ways and eerily similar in others, he's kind and geeky and brimming with enthusiasm about the most mundane things) but even when I add all these things together, I don't think they get to the why at the heart of it.

[Hazle Weatherfield]

Beautiful posts, olivesmarch4th!

[FallenAngel]

The people I love most, both romantically and as my Family of Choice, all share some qualities:

1. I can count on them completely.
2. They are people of great character and integrity.
3. They inspire me to be more like them.
4. I can laugh or cry around them with equal ease.

[handsomeharry]

Communication is aided by the use of complete sentences.

Pardon my ignorance, but, I had thought that a one word response is a valid sentence. Right? Wrong?

Best wishes,
hh

[BigT]

I read something way back about how couples have been shown to be extremely good nonverbal communicators. So much so that scientists often don't understand what they're talking about.

I believe it. It seems of half of my interactions with my husband consist of nonsense words, weird sounds and exaggerated facial expressions.

We have excellent communication... probably to a rather nauseating extent. However, if there is some research to suggest that lack of communication isn't a significant cause of marital conflict. That's what John Gottman (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Gottman) claims, anyway. He is well-respected in the field, but his research methodology has not gone unchallenged.

That seems so odd, as almost every conflict I've ever seen between married people has eventually boiled down to poor communication, specifically in the form of expectations: people expect without communicating that they expect.

[appleciders]

Just a quick one- my girlfriend. She's the only person I've ever met who can explain an XKCD comic to me, then instruct me in waltz, tango, or swing the next minute. That kind of flexibility is rare. Also, she's typically not that funny, which lulls me into a false sense of security until she starts deadpanning things for about one day a month. Kills me.

[Lord Ashtar]

Because I'm a chump, that's why.

[Nava]

Because they're mine and they're not old enough to have gotten real obnoxious yet.

Because I've loved them for a long time and, even though we only see each other once a year tops, we still like a lot of the same things, are not obnoxious to each other, and there's no reason to lose good habits only because they're old and rarely used (it's not like feelings take up closet space, you know).

Because they're mine and, while we do occasionally find each other obnoxious, we can tell each other "you're getting on my nerves" in the knowledge that it will work.


Different groups of people, for different reasons. But apparently one of my key reasons for loving people is a simple "we can put up with each other".

[elbows]

I am a better person for him having come into my life. He challenges me, and makes me laugh. He has stood, shoulder to shoulder, with me through life's greatest trials. Together we have done truly remarkable things. I'll die happy if I can die in his arms.

[Rushgeekgirl]

I love her because I can't unlove her. I can't imagine not feeling love when I think of her.

Maybe it's in the DNA to have this bond between us. Maybe it's her wit, or her natural scent she's carried since birth, or because I trust nobody on Earth more than I trust her, or because she's so kind and tender-hearted it reminds me of my own mother that I can no longer sense, having lost her 15 years ago.

[carlotta]

I can't come up with anything resembling an actual reason. They're just my people. I can't remember a time when I didn't love them or imagine a time when I'll stop. They're part of who I am.


Well said, this describes how I feel as well, and the feeling expands past my family to my friends, who are an odd motley collection.

I'm tempted to say that I love people that I have allowed myself to love, people who, through circumstance or accident, I have shared enough time or intimacy with that I open my heart to them, that if I could make this leap without needing accidents of proximity or shared confidences I could love almost anybody.

I sometimes play a private game when I'm out in public. I pick a person and note what feelings and judgments float up in my mind (too fat, looks mean, nerd, whatever) and then I ask myself, "what if I loved this person, what if they were my favorite person in the world, what if I were absolutely thrilled to run into them in the grocery store?" and suddenly my stranger looks beautiful to me and it's obvious how lovable they are.

[Zjestika]

I sometimes play a private game when I'm out in public. I pick a person and note what feelings and judgments float up in my mind (too fat, looks mean, nerd, whatever) and then I ask myself, "what if I loved this person, what if they were my favorite person in the world, what if I were absolutely thrilled to run into them in the grocery store?" and suddenly my stranger looks beautiful to me and it's obvious how lovable they are.

I love this. I'm going to try it.

[bearman217]

I love the people that I love because they are either of my blood or close enough to me that they might as well be. I know that I would do anything for them and they would do anything for me as well. It is this loyalty that I feel makes me love those around me.