View Full Version : Professor Snape for a day! Help me with insults
04-12-2010, 10:54 PM
On Saturday, our local courthouse will be holding an Open House for the community. All ages are welcome, and there will be a citizenship ceremony, tours of the courthouse, and demonstrations involving police dogs. But the focus tends to be on young people: high-schoolers will conduct a mock trial in front of a real judge; and for younger kids, there will be a "Fairytale Trial," which this year, sees Harry Potter charged with a variety of crimes. Local lawyers will act as prosecution and defense; and others will play Harry's classmates and professors as witnesses. A jury of elementary schoolchildren will render a verdict. Things have been scripted so the jury will have no choice but to find Harry "not guilty."
I have been asked to act as Professor Snape, a witness for the prosecution. I fully expect to be booed by most, if not all, of the gallery and jury; and since courtroom protocol and procedure will be greatly relaxed, I'd like some comebacks that I can use when the booing ramps up. So far, I've come up with the following:
-- If Security hadn't taken my wand at the door, I'd turn you all into toads.
-- Imperious scamps! You're not worthy of attending Hogwarts.
-- Potter seems to have many friends here. It's a surprise to me that he has more than two.
I may need more insults though. Can you Dopers suggest any? Remember, they'll be directed at schoolchildren, so they should be clean and not very threatening. I don't want to terrify the kids, just say the sorts of things Snape might say in the movies.
04-14-2010, 08:40 AM
I wouldn't use Imperious -- it's the name of an Unforgivable Curse!
04-14-2010, 08:48 AM
I think you could get a lot of insults from the Blackadder quotes (http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Blackadder); they're pretty similar in their tone. Some are too naughty, but modifying "To you, Baldrick, the Renaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn't it?" and "The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic herd!" wouldn't be too difficult. There are other sites with all the scripts from all the episodes, if you have time.
04-14-2010, 10:54 AM
I wouldn't use Imperious -- it's the name of an Unforgivable Curse!Oops! Can't use that, then. I'll use "impertinent" instead. Thanks!
04-14-2010, 12:55 PM
Could you add some food coloring to a half-pint bottle of milk, and consider offering it to one of the jurists or the judge as a "potion"?
"You there, on the end. I've seen better behavior from a Norwegian Ridgeback".
You can always had out detention slips, too. Pre-print a few, and hand them out. The kids will think they're great souvenirs.
04-14-2010, 01:06 PM
I like your last example best - Snape always seemed more like the type to make snide remarks than threats or broad statements. Even just singling someone out seems more in character (per RalfCoder's suggestion). However, I can't actually think of anything he'd say.
04-15-2010, 01:41 AM
From an episode of QI: "You're not as stupid as I thought you were. You really couldn't be."
04-15-2010, 01:45 AM
I don't see how you could get booed. Snape is more popular than Harry.
04-15-2010, 09:15 AM
I don't see how you could get booed. Snape is more popular than Harry.Well, in our scenario, Harry is the accused (or if you prefer, the defendant), and Snape is a witness for the prosecution. Snape is one of those who is trying to put Harry into Azkaban, in other words. I'm thinking that in the circumstances, our audience will cheer Harry and boo Snape.
04-15-2010, 09:28 AM
"Although I am not ordinarily prophetic, I foresee that at least half of you have a minimum-wage 'career' to look forward to."
"Impressive. You combine the sincerity of Prof. Umbridge with the hygiene of a troll."
"Judging by that remark, I suspect your parents flunked out of some cut-rate wizardry school."
"Hmmm. Hadn't you all better be getting on to your next class, Magic for Morons?"
"I haven't felt so warmly welcomed since my field trip to Azkaban."
"So you found a gallon of Idiocy potion and greedily drank it all up, did you?"
"Prof. Dumbledore likes to say that everyone has something to contribute to Hogwarts, but he clearly never met you."
04-15-2010, 09:38 AM
"Double Potions homework for all!"
For a particularly tall child: "You must be related to Hagrid. Pity, that."
04-15-2010, 10:01 AM
Above all, remember that it is impossible to overdo the tone of sneering contempt. . .
This young man has the intelligence of a flobberworm.
What manners! Were you raised by Goblins?
If they get off-topic or are fooled by false logic: "Chasing hinkypunks again, I see. . ."
Oh please, you wouldn't know a |topic of discussion| from a flabbergasted leech!
If someone has trouble saying what they mean: Tell me, what is your boggart? . . . a dictionary, perhaps?
If they are all yelling or talking over one another: One at a time please! You sound like a clump of adolescent mandrakes!
04-15-2010, 10:13 AM
How about "your mother is so short she can sit on the curb and swing her legs"??
OOps.. wrong kind of insult.; >
04-18-2010, 12:01 AM
Update: The trial was held today, and as expected, Harry was acquitted.
It was great fun. Courtroom protocol and procedure was adhered to--to an extent, anyway; in the middle of the proceedings, the judge helped himself to some of the evidence (ordinary jellybeans standing in for Bertie Bott's Any Flavour Beans). The prosecutor and the defense counsel did their jobs well in examining witnesses; and at one point, Voldemort tried to cast a spell on Harry. He was quickly hustled out by the burly sheriff in the courtroom, and the trial continued. The jury was made up of kids aged about 8 to 11, and it was obvious they were taking their job very seriously. Some were even taking notes.
As a witness for the prosecution, I was menacing, evil, and arrogant. I got a few compliments on that later--from parents, not the kids. The kids steered clear of me afterwards, though they excitedly gathered around my colleagues who were playing Hermione and Harry. Doesn't matter; the fact that they avoided me told me I did a good job. It might have been some of the insults I used and observations I made.
Thanks again, folks; your help was much appreciated!
04-18-2010, 08:24 AM
Glad it went well. Did you use any of the insults we provided?
04-18-2010, 12:43 PM
Glad it went well. Did you use any of the insults we provided?A couple. Your "warmly welcomed" one came in handy, and TruCelt's "what manners" one was useful also. I didn't use any of my own--time was limited, and the Prosecutor and Defense kept things moving nicely, so I wasn't up on the stand for as long as I thought I would be. Still, it was good to have a broad selection of things to say.
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