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View Full Version : Goddammit holy shit a jalapeño burned my dick


Mooch
05-16-2010, 09:34 PM
It's throbbing in the bad way now. Not in the good way. You fucker - you bastards don't even hurt going in. I FORGOT ABOUT MY HANDS.

The mother grabbing sons of bitches got me. All I did was take a leak and now my hogan looks like it went out and fucked that eeejjyyysss whatever fucking volcano in Iceland. I wish I was in Iceland I'd fuck Frosty or some snow or a fucking glacier or something. FUCK.

It's not as bad as that time I used Suave shampoo as lubrication and it shed its skin like a fucking snake but GODDAMN this is hurt. HATE. I gotta find something cool.

Fucking pepper I hate you.

Captain_C
05-16-2010, 09:36 PM
Calamine lotion and lots of it. Been there, done that.

needscoffee
05-16-2010, 09:40 PM
Hubby suggests dishwashing liquid. Don't ask how he knows.

Rhythmdvl
05-16-2010, 09:45 PM
Holy shit dude; major sympathy. And thanks for the heads-up (heh); this means I gotta update the list.

Note to self. Please remember, do not stick your dick in the...


Crazy
Lawnmower
Fan
Blender
Fax machine
Officer’s face
Steam engine
Jalapano pepper



I'm sure I'm missing a few things, but this should keep me somewhat safe.

billfish678
05-16-2010, 09:48 PM
Try some ghost pepper ice cream...

Qadgop the Mercotan
05-16-2010, 09:48 PM
It's not as bad as that time I used Suave shampoo as lubrication and it shed its skin like a fucking snake
Prell does the same thing.

Do they still make Prell? This was in the 70's.

As for the pepper pain, rub milk on it. The casein will help dissolve the capsaicin.

Biffy the Elephant Shrew
05-16-2010, 09:48 PM
Jalapeño pepper: "I burning your dong!"

Todderbob
05-16-2010, 09:50 PM
Holy shit dude; major sympathy. And thanks for the heads-up (heh); this means I gotta update the list.

Note to self. Please remember, do not stick your dick in the...


Crazy
Lawnmower
Fan
Blender
Fax machine
Officer’s face
Steam engine
Jalapano pepper



I'm sure I'm missing a few things, but this should keep me somewhat safe.Automated Cow Milking machine is missing from that list.

running coach
05-16-2010, 09:52 PM
Automated Cow Milking machine is missing from that list.

No, it's not. He's only listing the bad things.


ETA: BiffyTES-Bravo.

Rand Rover
05-16-2010, 09:53 PM
I don't know, but I've been told . . .

That native Alaskan women have certain physical characteristics that could be beneficial to a man in your situation.

MsRobyn
05-16-2010, 09:55 PM
I'm wincing in pain at the thought of this, and I don't even have a penis.

Mooch
05-16-2010, 09:57 PM
Dipping in cold whole milk. BRB

flickster
05-16-2010, 09:59 PM
As for the pepper pain, rub milk on it. The casein will help dissolve the capsaicin.

This = immediate relief

Green Bean
05-16-2010, 10:00 PM
Best thread title and OP I've seen in a long time...And Biffy, you rock.

Lynn Bodoni
05-16-2010, 10:01 PM
Hubby suggests dishwashing liquid. Don't ask how he knows. My husband also suggests this. When we were in high school, he had a job at the local pizza parlor, and one of his duties was chopping jalapenos for topping pizzas. He says, and I quote, "Don't handle your pecker after handling peppers, unless you wash your hands well first."

In other pecker related safety tips, he says to tuck first, THEN zip. He says that he zipped before tucking ONCE, and that was enough.

lissener
05-16-2010, 10:03 PM
Best thread title and OP I've seen in a long time
Isn't the thread title from an Emily Dickinson poem?

Indyellen
05-16-2010, 10:03 PM
I just know I'm going to regret this, but I can't help myself. Could the OP please explain, in not too much graphic detail, precisely how his dick and the Jalapeño pepper came to occupy the same space/time? Inquiring minds (OK, nosy Dopers) want to know. (I have ideas, but I prefer to get my information from the source.)

FoieGrasIsEvil
05-16-2010, 10:04 PM
Note to self. Please remember, do not stick your dick in the...



...mashed potatoes, if its THAT kind of party?

Lynn Bodoni
05-16-2010, 10:05 PM
I wish I was in Iceland I'd fuck Frosty or some snow or a fucking glacier or something. FUCK. I'm sorry, I tried, but I can't resist this. You need a date with the Snow Queen: w ww.oglaf.com/snowbound/ Not Safe For Work!

Lynn Bodoni
05-16-2010, 10:08 PM
I just know I'm going to regret this, but I can't help myself. Could the OP please explain, in not too much graphic detail, precisely how his dick and the Jalapeño pepper came to occupy the same space/time? Inquiring minds (OK, nosy Dopers) want to know. (I have ideas, but I prefer to get my information from the source.) If a man chops jalapenos, and that man does not wash his hands thoroughly before urination, and the man holds his dick during urination, that man might find that his dick starts tingling. And burning. And BURNING!!!!OMG BURNING!!!! according to my husband.

Bryan Ekers
05-16-2010, 10:16 PM
I told you not to take the tabasco from that baby!

Todderbob
05-16-2010, 10:17 PM
I just know I'm going to regret this, but I can't help myself. Could the OP please explain, in not too much graphic detail, precisely how his dick and the Jalapeño pepper came to occupy the same space/time? Inquiring minds (OK, nosy Dopers) want to know. (I have ideas, but I prefer to get my information from the source.)Jalapenos have a tendency to secrete a sticky oil... which sticks to things.

pulykamell
05-16-2010, 10:22 PM
If a man chops jalapenos, and that man does not wash his hands thoroughly before urination, and the man holds his dick during urination, that man might find that his dick starts tingling. And burning. And BURNING!!!!OMG BURNING!!!! according to my husband.

And it's much worse if you've been handling habaneros or Thai chiles. Also, it will kill the romantic mood if you happen to forget to wash your hands after handling chiles and get frisky with the SO. And if you get it on your contacts, it ain't coming off. (And getting the contact out when your eye is spasming shut because of the capsaicin is another set of interesting challenges.) I know all these lessons all too well. Apparently, I'm a slow learner.

Mooch
05-16-2010, 10:29 PM
Ok - the milk helped.

It's not like I haven't chopped hot peppers before. What the hell? It's like when is the last time I zipped that shit up? Like 7 years old? Oh well. The rice was good. It had better have been.

I appreciate the tips, although after the Suave Incident I didn't want to put dish soap on it.

Unrelated: I may have a new kink.

Cat Whisperer
05-16-2010, 10:31 PM
Holy shit dude; major sympathy. And thanks for the heads-up (heh); this means I gotta update the list.

Note to self. Please remember, do not stick your dick in the...


Crazy
Lawnmower
Fan
Blender
Fax machine
Officer’s face
Steam engine
Jalapano pepper



I'm sure I'm missing a few things, but this should keep me somewhat safe.
Vacuum cleaner. Unless you have Attachment 21.

Guinastasia
05-16-2010, 10:33 PM
When I took horticulture in high school, our teacher told us about the time he was handling habaneros and then forgot to wash his hands before putting his contacts in. :eek:

Shagnasty
05-16-2010, 10:37 PM
Holy shit dude; major sympathy. And thanks for the heads-up (heh); this means I gotta update the list.

Note to self. Please remember, do not stick your dick in the...


Crazy
Lawnmower
Fan
Blender
Fax machine
Officer’s face
Steam engine
Jalapano pepper



I'm sure I'm missing a few things, but this should keep me somewhat safe.

Most of those things aren't that bad all things considered. Vacuum cleaners and those whirlpool nozzles they that have on the side of pools are the really bad threats however especially if they turn on suddenly.

I remember the worst one like it was hell on the 4th of July. I was in fifth grade and learned how to make cinnamon toothpicks by dipping them in vials of pure cinnamon oil that they sold at the local drug store for some reason. I was going on a trip with my best friend and his parents later that day and made up a strong batch to take in the car when I spilled some of the oil on my hands. One wiz later, I found myself naked rolling around in the sand in front of house with the garden hose on full blast. I think I blacked out for a while or at least dissociated from the pain. Thank god we lived in the country. I am breaking out in a cold sweat now just thinking about it. It took a full day for the pain to wear off and I can't even smell artificial cinnamon candy even today without thinking about my poor weiner.

Autolycus
05-16-2010, 10:38 PM
It's throbbing in the bad way now. Not in the good way. You fucker - you bastards don't even hurt going in.

I may have a new kink.


I don't want to know what you're doing with those peppers....

Indyellen
05-16-2010, 10:51 PM
Jalapenos have a tendency to secrete a sticky oil... which sticks to things.
Oh, I get that part. I am also personally familiar with what happens with the accidental application of Tiger Balm to the sensitive mucous membranes in the female genital area... :eek:

ToeJam
05-16-2010, 11:10 PM
I'm amused at the smart thinking there by the OP:
Calamine Lotion; Dishwashing Soap; Milk were all suggested within the first 15 mins, and the OP had the awareness and presence of mind to go with the Prison Doc's Advice for dealing with a burning penis.

Chalk another W up for the Good Mercotan!

billfish678
05-16-2010, 11:13 PM
I'm amused at the smart thinking there by the OP:
Calamine Lotion; Dishwashing Soap; Milk were all suggested within the first 15 mins, and the OP had the awareness and presence of mind to go with the Prison Doc's Advice for dealing with a burning penis.

Chalk another W up for the Good Mercotan!

"Milk, it does a burning penis good"

Now THATS an ad you'll remember!

Koxinga
05-16-2010, 11:15 PM
I'm amused at the smart thinking there by the OP:
Calamine Lotion; Dishwashing Soap; Milk were all suggested within the first 15 mins, and the OP had the awareness and presence of mind to go with the Prison Doc's Advice for dealing with a burning penis.

Chalk another W up for the Good Mercotan!


I also suspect he's seen the shampoo snake skin shedding effect more than once in his line of work.

SCSimmons
05-16-2010, 11:30 PM
No, it's not. He's only listing the bad things.
Oh, so you've never heard that joke? Maybe the punchline will bring it back to mind: "Better send out for some oysters. That machine's factory-set for four gallons."

Kimstu
05-16-2010, 11:44 PM
This might be a good place to offer a public-service-announcement warning about something I learned back in college:

Spicy spicy vindaloo at Indian restaurant with date + subsequent oral sex with date = Bad Idea.

running coach
05-16-2010, 11:47 PM
Oh, so you've never heard that joke? Maybe the punchline will bring it back to mind: "Better send out for some oysters. That machine's factory-set for four gallons."

So you're one of those who needs oysters. :p:D

Kimstu
05-16-2010, 11:53 PM
My husband also suggests this. When we were in high school, he had a job at the local pizza parlor, and one of his duties was chopping jalapenos for topping pizzas. He says, and I quote, "Don't handle your pecker after handling peppers, unless you wash your hands well first."

You're telling us that a pizza prepper panged his peppered pecker? If a pizza prepper pangs his peppered pecker, what's the pack of pain relievers a peppered-peckered-pizza-prepper'd pick?

Guinastasia
05-17-2010, 12:24 AM
It's commonly known that milk will neutralize the heat from hot peppers. Of course, it's mostly when people DRINK it after eating hot food -- not for washing your genitals.

Koxinga
05-17-2010, 12:26 AM
Of course, it's mostly when people DRINK it after eating hot food -- not for washing your genitals.

:smack: Now you tell me.

RedWood
05-17-2010, 12:27 AM
Dipping in cold whole milk. BRB
/joke: always wondered how you reload those things.... /endjoke

statsman1982
05-17-2010, 12:43 AM
Prell does the same thing.

Do they still make Prell? This was in the 70's.

As for the pepper pain, rub milk on it. The casein will help dissolve the capsaicin.

I thought I was pretty well versed in masturbatory paraphernalia, but I'm stumped (heh) by this one. Why in the world does shampoo cause the skin on your dick to shed? I'm sure I've had it on mine in the process of taking a shower, and I've never felt a thing. Is this common knowledge that I have somehow missed?:confused:

Kamino Neko
05-17-2010, 12:51 AM
On topic, and not really SFW image:

img.photobucket.com/albums/v78/Nekogami/Habanero-tan.gif

needscoffee
05-17-2010, 01:01 AM
I thought I was pretty well versed in masturbatory paraphernalia, but I'm stumped (heh) by this one. Why in the world does shampoo cause the skin on your dick to shed? I'm sure I've had it on mine in the process of taking a shower, and I've never felt a thing. Is this common knowledge that I have somehow missed?:confused:Maybe the OP's Suave was the Extra-Strength Dandruff Formula.

Rhythmdvl
05-17-2010, 01:11 AM
Man I'm glad I opened this thread! I never knew how much risk I was in.

Let's see, I'm up to...

Note to self. Please remember, do not stick your dick in the:



Crazy
Lawnmower
Fan
Blender
Fax machine
Officer’s face
Steam engine
Jalapano pepper
Prell
Automated Cow Milking (WITHOUT checking the settings correctly or without a large supply of oysters)
Emily Dickinson poetry
(Mashed potatoes, when at that kind of party; unless it's one of those parties)
The Snow Queen (or pretty much any Trudy Cooper character. Trudy, on the other hand...)
Vacuum cleaner (without Attachment 21)*
Vat of cinnamon oil
Tiger Balm
Tigers
Vindaloo,The Cat, Kryten, etc.




*Check Woot daily.

CanvasShoes
05-17-2010, 01:24 AM
Jalapeño pepper: "I burning your dong!"

That's just mean! (but I am laughing :)).

CanvasShoes
05-17-2010, 01:26 AM
Dipping in cold whole milk. BRB

[Daffy southern belle upon observing such a stunt]

"Oh, I always wondered how y'all loaded those things!"

[/DSBUOSAS]

appleciders
05-17-2010, 02:35 AM
Oh, I get that part. I am also personally familiar with what happens with the accidental application of Tiger Balm to the sensitive mucous membranes in the female genital area... :eek:

Yeah, and if you're dating a hippy-dippy treehugger, and she wants to dodge off the hiking trail and screw in the woods, be careful what plants you use your hands to push out of the way. Poison oak doesn't show up for hours, so it can get everywhere.

I thought I was pretty well versed in masturbatory paraphernalia, but I'm stumped (heh) by this one. Why in the world does shampoo cause the skin on your dick to shed? I'm sure I've had it on mine in the process of taking a shower, and I've never felt a thing. Is this common knowledge that I have somehow missed?:confused:

Never had it shed, but if there's something in the shampoo that's even slightly irritative to your skin, rubbing it in that thoroughly to a sensitive area won't work well.

MsChilePepper
05-17-2010, 03:48 AM
It's not like I haven't chopped hot peppers before. What the hell?



Next time, if you don't have a rubber or plastic glove handy, stick your non-knife-wielding hand inside a plastic bag and then chop the peppers. Throw it away afterward.

Or maybe invest in a Slap-Chop. Vince says you're gonna love his nuts, so ...

Miss Violaceous
05-17-2010, 06:39 AM
Alton Brown says that bleach causes the pepper oils to form an inert salt which is then easily washed away. I can see that you're taken care of, but if this happens again you might try a dip in straight bleach followed by a gentle soaping.
.
.
.
What? Yes, I'm female, why do you ask?

Rhythmdvl
05-17-2010, 07:00 AM
...adds Slap-Chop to the list. Looks at MsChilePepper's name. Runs screaming from the room.

Rushgeekgirl
05-17-2010, 08:04 AM
I have several unpleasant memories of bad romantic encounters after my sweetie indulged in his chilies.

I can assure you the pain is much the same for girlparts.

AClockworkMelon
05-17-2010, 08:11 AM
That native Alaskan women have certain physical characteristics that could be beneficial to a man in your situation.What physical characteristic is that? Am I missing an obvious joke?

Boyo Jim
05-17-2010, 08:11 AM
Alton Brown says that bleach causes the pepper oils to form an inert salt which is then easily washed away. I can see that you're taken care of, but if this happens again you might try a dip in straight bleach followed by a gentle soaping...

This sounds like a good idea when your penis encounters anything or anyone at all unusual.

Do they sell special Penis Bleach? (Band name!)

Gyrate
05-17-2010, 08:14 AM
Note to self. Please remember, do not stick your dick in the:[...]

- Pickle slicer (http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/89q1/slicer.300.html)

lieu
05-17-2010, 08:18 AM
As for the pepper pain, rub milk on it.Gee, and here I thought just taking a swig from the jug was objectionable.

"Milk sure is cold."
"Yeah, deep too."

Talk about your cereal killers.

WotNot
05-17-2010, 09:19 AM
Isn't the thread title from an Emily Dickinson poem?
Nothing so high-brow, I'm afraid. It was once a common sight along the highways of the US:

GOD DAMN IT

HOLY SHIT

A JALAPEÑO

BURNED MY DICK

NEXT TIME TRY

BURMA-SHAVE

Koxinga
05-17-2010, 09:25 AM
I don't suppose they take threadspotting nominations for threads with vulgarity in the title? Otherwise, I think we have a champion.

Biffy the Elephant Shrew
05-17-2010, 09:32 AM
What physical characteristic is that? Am I missing an obvious joke?

He was paraphrasing one of the many variations of the old marching song.

I don't know but I've been told
Eskimo pussy is mighty cold.

Hal Briston
05-17-2010, 09:48 AM
Nothing so high-brow, I'm afraid. It was once a common sight along the highways of the US:Now, I'm reading it more as a protest chant. I picture a bunch of folks holding signs and yelling outside of a Mexican restaurant...

"GOD DAMN IT!
HOLY SHIT!
A JALAPEÑO BURNED MY DICK!"

Qadgop the Mercotan
05-17-2010, 10:32 AM
I thought I was pretty well versed in masturbatory paraphernalia, but I'm stumped (heh) by this one. Why in the world does shampoo cause the skin on your dick to shed? I'm sure I've had it on mine in the process of taking a shower, and I've never felt a thing. Is this common knowledge that I have somehow missed?:confused:
Just remember to wash it off right after and you'll be fine.

Fail to do so and you won't be. Soap and shampoos are alkalis, and while they feel nice and silky, they do burn.

Floater
05-17-2010, 10:39 AM
I don't know if this little story will help you, but I will tell it anyway.

A couple, friends of a cousin of mine, were cooking dinner. It fell upon him to chop up some piri-piri. While the stew was cooking they happened to indulge in some improvised family planning activities.

She didn't like the sensation in her nether regions.

Rhythmdvl
05-17-2010, 10:46 AM
He was paraphrasing one of the many variations of the old marching song.

I don't know but I've been told
Eskimo pussy is mighty cold.

Was anyone else trying to figure out the bizarre Zeppelin reference?

Malacandra
05-17-2010, 11:11 AM
And if you get it on your contacts, it ain't coming off. (And getting the contact out when your eye is spasming shut because of the capsaicin is another set of interesting challenges.)

This. Ow. Fourteen years ago and I still remember the pain. And that was after washing my hands twice. :eek:

You're telling us that a pizza prepper panged his peppered pecker? If a pizza prepper pangs his peppered pecker, what's the pack of pain relievers a peppered-peckered-pizza-prepper'd pick?

Bra-vo. :D

MeanOldLady
05-17-2010, 11:36 AM
And it's much worse if you've been handling habaneros or Thai chiles. Also, it will kill the romantic mood if you happen to forget to wash your hands after handling chiles and get frisky with the SO.Yes. Oh gods, yes. I now wash my hands thoroughly every time I'm within spitting distance of a habanero. That was two years ago, and I can still feel it.

Mooch
05-17-2010, 01:47 PM
All is well south of the border, although my wife threatened to grab the camera as I was treating my junk like an Oreo cookie.

Many thanks to QtM.

I usually remember to "hold it" with the other hand after chopping peppers, but I was in a hurry (couple of dinner-making beers).

Poor guy - his life is a series of ups and downs.

Ferret Herder
05-17-2010, 01:50 PM
Yes. Oh gods, yes. I now wash my hands thoroughly every time I'm within spitting distance of a habanero. That was two years ago, and I can still feel it.
I've been fortunate enough to "only" get my eye stinging, and I still keep a box of disposable vinyl gloves under my sink, to put on for any hot pepper chopping/handling. I don't trust my various sensitive mucous membranes to mere hand-washing! :eek:

armedmonkey
05-17-2010, 02:13 PM
I was treating my junk like an Oreo cookie. I'm not going to post the obvious "creme filling" joke. Just not gonna do it.

Mama Zappa
05-17-2010, 02:14 PM
All is well south of the border, although my wife threatened to grab the camera as I was treating my junk like an Oreo cookie.

Many ....
Sounds like time to do a little lyric-rewriting:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-oreo-cookie-song-Ice-cold-milk-and-an-oreo-cookie/314435193714
Oh, Oh, ice cold milk
after jalapeño peppers
They forever go together,
What a classic combination
When a burny tingly pecker
meets an icy cold sensation
Like the one and only creamy,
bouncy, fun toy, Oh-oh-oh-oh!!

PoorYorick
05-17-2010, 02:41 PM
. . . and I can't even smell artificial cinnamon candy even today without thinking about my poor weiner.
Isn't this the last line to Proust's Rememberance of Things Past?

Qadgop the Mercotan
05-17-2010, 02:42 PM
All is well south of the border, although my wife threatened to grab the camera as I was treating my junk like an Oreo cookie.

Many thanks to QtM.

De nada.

It's not the first time I've been called upon to help put out a fire down below.

Maeglin
05-17-2010, 03:11 PM
Was anyone else trying to figure out the bizarre Zeppelin reference?

You bet. I couldn't figure out what the hell big-legged women had to do with this.

On the other hand...

I've got a flamin' dong, can't get my fill
Glans that shines, burning red
Dreams of you all through my head

I'll stop now.

ETA, I am impressed that the OP went to the effort of putting the tilde over the n. If my pork sword were on fire, I wouldn't be reaching for the character map.

Clothahump
05-17-2010, 04:40 PM
Automated Cow Milking machine is missing from that list.

And Vacuum Cleaner....

Clothahump
05-17-2010, 04:45 PM
So you're one of those who needs oysters. :p:D

I never understood what the thing was about oysters. I ate a dozen the other night and only seven of them worked.



:D:D

Qadgop the Mercotan
05-17-2010, 04:59 PM
I never understood what the thing was about oysters. I ate a dozen the other night and only seven of them worked.
You're not putting them on your dick then, are you? Try that. ;)

FE3O4ENAIL
05-17-2010, 05:16 PM
A man from New Mexico told me that the migrant workers who pick peppers have hand made copper tools hanging from their belts. One end has a hook to use on their zipper, and the other end a spoon like detail to scoop their penis out of their pants. With no place to wash they need to be able to answer a call of nature without touching their junk.

wolfman
05-17-2010, 06:42 PM
It is also a good idea to be careful with any brand of shampoo when approaching the Cobra Commander. I'm not exactly sure how, but one time while holding and squirting(the bottle you asses)to wash off some forgotten substance with shampoo I managed to aim the stream up the urethra.

Now that is a area that is not exactly chemically hardened. It hurt like holy hell for three hours and swelled from the inside, and kept me awake all night with the ache. And peeing was excruciating for 5 days.

Boyo Jim
05-17-2010, 07:01 PM
Sounds like that time I accidentally sat on a gerbil. Bad as it was for me, I think the gerbil got the worst end of the deal.

Typo Knig
05-17-2010, 08:51 PM
A man from New Mexico told me that the migrant workers who pick peppers have hand made copper tools hanging from their belts. One end has a hook to use on their zipper, and the other end a spoon like detail to scoop their penis out of their pants. With no place to wash they need to be able to answer a call of nature without touching their junk.

Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use my spoon. (http://pantsonthegroundvideo.com/tell-me-best-joke-for-10-points.html)

Bryan Ekers
05-17-2010, 10:24 PM
"GOD DAMN IT!
HOLY SHIT!
A JALAPEÑO BURNED MY DICK!"

Burma-Shave.

Kimstu
05-17-2010, 10:25 PM
Burma-Shave.

See post #55.

Bryan Ekers
05-17-2010, 10:31 PM
Huh. I didn't even see that one.

bubba jr
05-17-2010, 10:37 PM
A man from New Mexico told me that the migrant workers who pick peppers have hand made copper tools hanging from their belts. One end has a hook to use on their zipper, and the other end a spoon like detail to scoop their penis out of their pants. With no place to wash they need to be able to answer a call of nature without touching their junk.

I'm right in the dead nuts center of Chile country, and I've asked and asked and asked and I still can't find out what that thing is, what its called, or even what it looks like.

On the chile front, 4 incidences.

1) drunken night, walked home, made some chili(with an 'I', the brown stuff) with dried habanero powder, just a tiny little bit, scratched my nuts, started crying, rubbed my eye. Not good. Many hours in the shower, still crying.

2) Made some jalapeno meatloaf, naked, scratched my nuts......

3) a week later, touched some chile's, touched the lady friends goodies..... didn't get any.

4) a week after that, ate some hot chile, ate the lady friend. Apparently capsasin (sp? the hot chile stuff) transfers well from tongue to vulva. Didn't get any for a while, but not until after she got hers, then she got mad, I didn't get mine.

Rhythmdvl
05-18-2010, 12:01 AM
And Vacuum Cleaner....

See post 43.

Let me know if you find a good deal on Attachment 21.

armedmonkey
05-18-2010, 12:13 AM
Let me know if you find a good deal on Attachment 21.Is that the one with the spinner brushes?

Gyrate
05-18-2010, 04:38 AM
Isn't this the last line to Proust's Rememberance of Things Past?:D

Koxinga
05-18-2010, 05:00 AM
Add "Burma Shave" and it becomes a haiku.

Gyrate
05-18-2010, 05:38 AM
Add "Burma Shave" and it becomes a haiku.
Posts 55 and 78.

It's nice to see so much love for Burma Shave though. It's a medium that deserves to be remembered.

Koxinga
05-18-2010, 06:09 AM
I know that other people added Burma Shave, but 'twas I who pointed out that it made a haiku.

ElvisL1ves
05-18-2010, 08:42 AM
I was thinking "Dr. Seuss after a few beers", myself.

billfish678
05-18-2010, 08:46 AM
I was thinking "Dr. Seuss after a few beers", myself.

It is from his classic "Green Peppers and Glans"

Steve MB
05-18-2010, 11:57 AM
Yeah, and if you're dating a hippy-dippy treehugger, and she wants to dodge off the hiking trail and screw in the woods, be careful what plants you use your hands to push out of the way. Poison oak doesn't show up for hours, so it can get everywhere.

Know Your Vines (http://xkcd.com/443/)

Paintcharge
05-18-2010, 07:30 PM
Vacuum cleaner. Unless you have Attachment 21.


You sure that isn't attachment 34?

IvoryTowerDenizen
05-18-2010, 07:37 PM
It is from his classic "Green Peppers and Glans"

Can't breathe.

Hahahaha!

Sudo Intellectual
05-19-2010, 05:04 PM
I had a very similar situation last week. Was making homemade Pico de Gallo. Lots of it. Very heavy on the Jalepeno. Washed my hands at least 3 or 4 times. But later that evening, I was feeling a little frisky and decided to um, take care of things myself. Took all of 4 seconds to not be in the mood anymore!! Oh god the Burning!! And not a story you can tell for sympathy because any time burning and crotch end are spoken in the same sentence you get that weird look.

Kimstu
05-19-2010, 06:53 PM
any time burning and crotch end are spoken in the same sentence you get that weird look.

Oooh, around here, that sort of statement is viewed as a challenge.

"When removing and burning tree branches that are infested with parasites such as webworm, always put the branches in the fire crotch end first." :p


(And yes, there really is a tree parasite called webworm (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fall_webworm). I'm surprised that word hasn't been taken over as an internet slang term.)

Cat Fight
05-19-2010, 09:41 PM
I've been there before (with different bits – AFTER I made a joke about just that happening to my friend while we prepared salsa), and the milk, it did nothing! Only time healed that wound.

jimknaul
10-15-2013, 10:36 PM
Thank you. I googled this within one minute of jalapeno dick burn. No one's dick should have to go to hell. Thank you for posting this. Milk does the trick for your burning dick. And thank you jalapeno dick burn remedy poster. God bless you.

Kolak of Twilo
10-15-2013, 10:42 PM
Jalapeno dick burn isn't anywhere as bad as zombie dick burn.

And milk doesn't cure that.

johnpost
10-15-2013, 10:43 PM
zombie or no

core that pepper and light up your life.

BrainGlutton
10-15-2013, 10:50 PM
Goddammit holy shit a jalapeño burned my dick

[shrug] So don't fuck them.

Skywatcher
10-15-2013, 11:19 PM
Holy shit dude; major sympathy. And thanks for the heads-up (heh); this means I gotta update the list.

Note to self. Please remember, do not stick your dick in the...


Crazy
Lawnmower
Fan
Blender
Fax machine
Officer’s face
Steam engine
Jalapano pepper



I'm sure I'm missing a few things, but this should keep me somewhat safe.

Automated Cow Milking machine is missing from that list.Add toaster (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=704348) now as well.

BrainGlutton
10-15-2013, 11:20 PM
What physical characteristic is that? Am I missing an obvious joke?

I dunno, but I been told
Eskimo pussy is mighty cold!

BrainGlutton
10-15-2013, 11:23 PM
HE THE Nothing so high-brow, I'm afraid. It was once a common sight along the highways of the US:

GOD DAMN IT

HOLY SHIT

A JALAPEÑO

BURNED MY DICK

NEXT TIME TRY

BURMA-SHAVE

The Burmese junta --
Nasty thugs!
Are dissing Ang Suu Kyii!
We'll help her out,
Although it gets us
Into World War Three!
Burma Save!

cochrane
10-15-2013, 11:36 PM
Thank you. I googled this within one minute of jalapeno dick burn. No one's dick should have to go to hell. Thank you for posting this. Milk does the trick for your burning dick. And thank you jalapeno dick burn remedy poster. God bless you.

MILK

DOES THE

TRICK

FOR

YOUR BURNING

DICK.

~ Burma Shave.

fachverwirrt
10-15-2013, 11:47 PM
Man I'm glad I opened this thread! I never knew how much risk I was in.

Let's see, I'm up to...

Note to self. Please remember, do not stick your dick in the:



Crazy
Lawnmower
Fan
Blender
Fax machine
Officer’s face
Steam engine
Jalapano pepper
Prell
Automated Cow Milking (WITHOUT checking the settings correctly or without a large supply of oysters)
Emily Dickinson poetry
(Mashed potatoes, when at that kind of party; unless it's one of those parties)
The Snow Queen (or pretty much any Trudy Cooper character. Trudy, on the other hand...)
Vacuum cleaner (without Attachment 21)*
Vat of cinnamon oil
Tiger Balm
Tigers
Vindaloo,The Cat, Kryten, etc.




*Check Woot daily.

I realize this is three and a half years old, but after reading the OP, I might suggest adding "Icelandic Volcano" to the list.

3trew
10-16-2013, 01:34 AM
The important thing is, if you are prone to hot pepper and penis related incidents, to PROPERLY LABEL the container of yogurt you use for aftercare.

Mangetout
10-16-2013, 02:37 AM
This sounds like a job for some kind of penis beaker.

shijinn
10-16-2013, 03:34 AM
another one for Rhythmdvl's list, taken from this board i think, is toothpaste.

Boyo Jim
10-16-2013, 07:02 AM
Thank you. I googled this within one minute of jalapeno dick burn. No one's dick should have to go to hell. Thank you for posting this. Milk does the trick for your burning dick. And thank you jalapeno dick burn remedy poster. God bless you.

Impressive debut post!

Kobal2
10-16-2013, 07:18 AM
Jalapeno dick burn isn't anywhere as bad as zombie dick burn.

But it is one hell of a Mexican heavy metal band name.

Mangetout
10-16-2013, 07:31 AM
I'd have thought yoghurt might work better than milk, owing to the consistency - it wouldn't just run off - and so the soothing effect should last longer.

lieu
10-16-2013, 07:49 AM
I'd have thought yoghurt might work better than milk, owing to the consistency - it wouldn't just run off - and so the soothing effect should last longer.That makes sense but how do I benefit from "Fruit on the bottom!"

Cheesesteak
10-16-2013, 08:25 AM
That makes sense but how do I benefit from "Fruit on the bottom!"I got an email today with just the solution you need. Apparently it's a 'weird trick' of some kind.

Mangetout
10-16-2013, 08:58 AM
That makes sense but how do I benefit from "Fruit on the bottom!"

When the jalapeños work their way through your digestive system - that's the time to put fruit on your bottom. I recommend watermelon.

Mama Zappa
10-16-2013, 09:08 AM
Add toaster (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=704348) now as well.
And campstoves as well! (http://www. imdb .com/title/ tt2042398/).

WordMan
10-16-2013, 10:31 AM
Thank you. I googled this within one minute of jalapeno dick burn. No one's dick should have to go to hell. Thank you for posting this. Milk does the trick for your burning dick. And thank you jalapeno dick burn remedy poster. God bless you.

The Straight Dope: Fighting In-your-pants; it's taking more milk than we thought.

;)

SerafinaPekala
10-16-2013, 10:48 AM
Man I'm glad I opened this thread! I never knew how much risk I was in.

Let's see, I'm up to...

Note to self. Please remember, do not stick your dick in the:



Crazy
Lawnmower
Fan
Blender
Fax machine
Officer’s face
Steam engine
Jalapano pepper
Prell
Automated Cow Milking (WITHOUT checking the settings correctly or without a large supply of oysters)
Emily Dickinson poetry
(Mashed potatoes, when at that kind of party; unless it's one of those parties)
The Snow Queen (or pretty much any Trudy Cooper character. Trudy, on the other hand...)
Vacuum cleaner (without Attachment 21)*
Vat of cinnamon oil
Tiger Balm
Tigers
Vindaloo,The Cat, Kryten, etc.




*Check Woot daily.

Did anyone mention "toaster" yet? They should.

Kimballkid
10-16-2013, 10:54 AM
Post 100.

johnpost
10-16-2013, 11:14 AM
That makes sense but how do I benefit from "Fruit on the bottom!"

get it all the way in and wiggle from side to side.

74westy
10-16-2013, 12:52 PM
Man I'm glad I opened this thread! I never knew how much risk I was in.

Let's see, I'm up to...

Note to self. Please remember, do not stick your dick in the:



Crazy
Lawnmower
Fan
Blender
Fax machine
Officer’s face
Steam engine
Jalapano pepper
Prell
Automated Cow Milking (WITHOUT checking the settings correctly or without a large supply of oysters)
Emily Dickinson poetry
(Mashed potatoes, when at that kind of party; unless it's one of those parties)
The Snow Queen (or pretty much any Trudy Cooper character. Trudy, on the other hand...)
Vacuum cleaner (without Attachment 21)*
Vat of cinnamon oil
Tiger Balm
Tigers
Vindaloo,The Cat, Kryten, etc.




*Check Woot daily.

Hoover Dustette (http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/914/whats-up-with-vacuum-cleaner-wounds-to-the-penis).

Kimstu
10-16-2013, 03:58 PM
Thank you. I googled this within one minute of jalapeno dick burn. No one's dick should have to go to hell. Thank you for posting this. Milk does the trick for your burning dick. And thank you jalapeno dick burn remedy poster. God bless you.

Hello jimknaul and welcome to the Straight Dope! Glad you're feeling better.

John_Stamos'_Left_Ear
10-16-2013, 05:33 PM
One time the wife and I shared a nice spicy Mexican meal together. Later on, the mood struck for dessert and I'm not talking about flan here.

I, being a gentleman and a cunning linguist, was serving up dessert to my wife first, when all of a sudden, the realization that spicy chilis were recently in my mouth became apparent to my poor, unsuspecting wife, who proceeded to flee to the lavatory where she spent the next 15 minutes flushing her most sensitive of areas while cursing me out for causing her distress.

Rules are now in place to prevent this unfortunate incident from recurring.

Biffy the Elephant Shrew
10-16-2013, 06:49 PM
get it all the way in and wiggle from side to side.

And the fruit on the bottom really enjoys it that way, too.

Siam Sam
10-19-2013, 03:56 AM
Hands have been mentioned, but I'll tell ya: Avoid blowjobs from anyone who has been eating peppers. Words to live by.

EDIT: Ah, I see now this has been touched on. Still words to live by.

Ograbme
10-19-2013, 12:03 PM
I, too, had a horrible jalepeno-hand-dick disaster. But urination wasn't the trigger.

Kobal2
10-19-2013, 01:12 PM
One time the wife and I shared a nice spicy Mexican meal together. Later on, the mood struck for dessert and I'm not talking about flan here.

I, being a gentleman and a cunning linguist, was serving up dessert to my wife first, when all of a sudden, the realization that spicy chilis were recently in my mouth became apparent to my poor, unsuspecting wife, who proceeded to flee to the lavatory where she spent the next 15 minutes flushing her most sensitive of areas while cursing me out for causing her distress.

Rules are now in place to prevent this unfortunate incident from recurring.

See, libertarians ? This is why we have regulations. Because we learn from our catastrophic, boner-ending mistakes.