Things not to say during a break-up conversation

[sleeping]

"Okay, so...do you have a sister?" [/brother]


"No, I think you're absolutely right that we shouldn't see each other anymore. That's why I brought out the paper bag during sex."


"Alright, just calm down. I'll put on my robe and wizard hat..."*


* (Obligatory.)

[Skald the Rhymer]

"On a completely unrelated topic, if the cops come by any time in thenear futre, can you tell me you were with me last night?"

[Alice The Goon]

Can I still come over?

[Superhal]

"As long as we're being completely honest, I just wanted to say your pussy hygiene is reprehensible and I want to vomit every time I get near it."*

"I met someone online I'm pretty sure is female."

"You've turned me gay, what can I say?"

"I just can't stay with someone who refuses to do anal."

[Cat Whisperer]

I'd like us to still be friends.

[KinkiNipponTourist]

"It's not me, it's you."

[willthekittensurvive?]

"but we can still be friends with benefits"

"but if you would consider a sexchange..........."

"I'm imaginary"

"you those breast implants I bought you?I will be waning them back"

"and all times I said you did not look fat in those pants, I was lying"

"would you please sign this release form for our home movies"

[Superhal]

"If you decide to go psycho on me, I just have one thing to say to you: exgirlfriendrevenge.com"

"So Star Wars quotes and Spock ears aren't funny anymore, are they."

"I've decided to break up with you in the form of a LOLcat: Itty Bitty IHATEYOUYOUPSYCHOHOSEBEAST committee. Enjoy the picture."

*(forgot to post this in my post above) Actually a true story.

[alice_in_wonderland]

"I guess I should tell you about this weird rash now..."

[sleeping]

"Fine, but I want my favorite condom back."

[Boyo Jim]

I can't afford you AND heroin. I choose heroin.

[willthekittensurvive?]

could you please burst out in tears again?I wasn't ready with the camcorder, and I need it for my blog

[flodnak]

By the way, your new co-worker, the one who started last month? I don't suppose you have her cell phone number?

[tdn]

I'd like us to still be friends.

Hey, the last time I broke up with someone, we both said that. We also said "I'll always love you." Then we made out for ten minutes.

What I failed to say was "That girl over there is cute. I wonder if she's single."

[Mona Lisa Simpson]

Your house, your clothes and your cars all smell like ferret. And you need to take better care of your feet.

(True story, but for some reason he didn't take it well. It had started out as a "its just not working for me" kind of break up but after too many "why?"s and tears it ended up with ferrets and his ugly toenails.)

[willthekittensurvive?]

Meet Jane she is exactly like you, only a lot younger

[RealityChuck]

"You see, size does matter."

[eleanorigby]

"But, Mom, you said she would stay!"

[Cat Whisperer]

"You see, size does matter."
"It's NOT that common, it DOESN'T happen to every guy, and it IS a big deal!" :D

[Sticks and Scones]

"Sorry, I think I'd rather be a Buddhist monk than get married."

True story! What do I win???

[Shakes]

"It's NOT that common, it DOESN'T happen to every guy, and it IS a big deal!" :D

I KNEW IT!! :mad:

Dear loser:

Welcome to dumpsville.

Population: you.

PS. I am gay.

[Man With a Cat]

It's called toothpaste, give it a shot.

My friends all thought you were a guy anyway.

[Superhal]

You know "our song?" Who the hell likes Michael Bolton?

I found someone willing to make my lifelong dream of being a bukake artist a reality.

I'm sorry, but you look too much like the brunette in 2girls1cup.

So what if you're pregnant? Why is everything always about you?

I've put up with your incessant nagging, your refusal to have sex, your disgusting cooking, your expanding ass, and your freeloading family...but deleting my WoW account was the straw that broke the camel's back.

[willthekittensurvive?]

Sorry after we did that thing I've been bugging you for years to do, I feel I can not respect you anymore

[Wesley Clark]

If you looked like your sister maybe we wouldn't be having this conversation.

[Superhal]

Your mismatched tits are driving me insane.

I can fit my entire body through one leg of your jeans.

You didn't let go of my Eggo.

[Serenata67]

Well, if you hadn't gotten so damned fat... (after putting on 5lbs)

Can I still live here?

[willthekittensurvive?]

Can I still live here?

with Jane?(the new you, only thinner)

[Superhal]

You've eaten all the Twizzlers for the last time.

It's not you, it's me. *sniggle* Nah, that's bullshit, it was you.

Remember how we promised that if neither of us found anybody when we were 30, we'd marry? God, you've let yourself go.

[Serenata67]

with Jane?(the new you, only thinner)

It actually happened to me... my ex owed me money and wanted to live on my couch until he earned the money he owed me... it was messed up.

[apollonia]

Huh. Having been on the receiving end of many of these comments, I concur.

Also:

"Let's not tell anyone about this, because it would be really uncomfortable for me for everyone to know I broke up with you"

and

"Cool. Do you know of an STD clinic around here?"

[Cuckoorex]

It was the cats. Blame the cats.

[Duke]

A female friend of mine got a real winner of a breakup. The gist of the conversation was:

"I don't want to see you any more, but the sex was great. Maybe we could still fuck once in a while."

[Cuckoorex]

A female friend of mine got a real winner of a breakup. The gist of the conversation was:

"I don't want to see you any more, but the sex was great. Maybe we could still fuck once in a while."

That's surprisingly common.

[Duke]

That's surprisingly common.

Usually most people are a little more subtle, and don't actually use the word "fuck" in the breakup conversation.

[Boyo Jim]

The facts that you're pregnant and I'm leaving the state but I don't know where yet so I can't give you a forwarding address are entirely coincidental.

[Bob Ducca]

Everyone on Straight Dope said I should break up with you.

[Boyo Jim]

I can't date you anymore because I've run out of rufies. I'm pretty sure you won't like it when you start remembering the things I do when we go out.

[KneadToKnow]

(stolen shamelessly from Richard Pryor)

He I don't need you. I'm gonna find some new pussy.
She If you had two more inches of dick, you'd find some new pussy here.

[ElvisL1ves]

Also from Richard Pryor:

Man (crying in anguish): Okay, take the damn TV, just leave the pussy!

[pravnik]

Honey, can you watch the kids? I need to run to the store for a second.

[Superhal]

Now that I've learned our blood types don't match, I have no further need of you nor your extra kidney.

I hate to do this after you learned about your brain tumor. If you survive, maybe we can get back together, but don't wait for me...I really can't stand bald chicks.

I've been drinking night and day since we broke up. No, I'm not sad, I'm trying to erase the memory of being with you at all.

[Boyo Jim]

I think it would be best for both of us if you kill yourself. Your life will be sheer hell without me.

[AnalogSignal]

"I'd like to see other species."

[Superhal]

Remember when we met, and I said you've got a body that just doesn't quit? Now I realize your mouth doesn't either.

When I said I've always wanted to see the world, I didn't say "we."

When I said I loved you, I was just trying to get into your pants. Apparently, it's not a happy place.

When I said I'd give you the stars and the moon, who the hell said you could use my credit card?

When my friend told me "There's no such thing as bad sex," I didn't realize how wrong he could be.

I thought vagina dentata was a myth.

You might want to think about investing in a good home waxing kit, at least for your neck and back. Probably your palms too.

[Trans Fat Og]

A female friend of mine got a real winner of a breakup. The gist of the conversation was:

"I don't want to see you any more, but the sex was great. Maybe we could still fuck once in a while."And here's the opposite:

A few years after graduation a colleague told me about a quasi-reunion with a steady girlfriend of a few years that he had broken off with. He had a way of seeing things more clearly than I did and this was his take on her offer.

<<Let's not have a relationship again, but we can get together a lot to hang out. You can still spend money on me, and we should always go on dates that involve money, and you'll always be the one to pay. But of course there will be no sex.>>

Of course, there's nothing wrong with that picture. :rolleyes:

[Ferret Herder]

I know I've told this before, but it sort of fits - how about having a "let's break up temporarily" conversation?

A friend in college was very book-smart but not so good at social relationships. He told his girlfriend that he was going to study abroad for a (semester? year?), and to more fully learn about this other culture, of course he'd have to date women there, and of course sleep with them. So while he was gone, she could date/sleep with whoever, and he would do likewise, and then when he got back, of course she would drop whichever guy she was seeing at the time and they'd get back together again.

:smack:

Yeah, listen dude, I know some women might be up for that, but dropping this on her as a done deal... not the smartest thing ever.

Predictably, she broke up with him.

[History Geek]

"Remember your cat? I hope you have pictures...."

"It's not like I fucked a stranger! It was your mother, for chrissakes! That hardly counts!"

"Say, is that a Valtrex ad? You might want to take down that number."

"Really? You thought I liked doing that with you?"

[don't ask]

"You know what I'm going to miss most about you....your vagina."

[Trans Fat Og]

"You know, the truth is that I never did love you, I was only using you.

In fact, there were whole days I felt that I didn't even LIKE you!"

- Jack

[Der Trihs]

"You have outlived your usefulness!"



"Well, it's like this Clarissa...I mean Cindy. No? Sarah?"

[movingfinger]

Well, that shoots a big hole in my budget now that I have to start figuring the cost of cheap hookers again.

[Perciful]

You were lousy in the sack and hung like a piece of rice.

You lost that new car smell.

[Zebra]

You've been made redundant. I'm bringing in a machine to do the job.

[YogSosoth]

"We might be broken up but we'll always be brother and sister"

[6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast]

"Each time I thought about us having this conversation, it made me cum. And for that, I am eternally grateful."

[John Carter of Mars]

"Can't this discussion wait a few hours? Right now you're fucking up a good ballgame on the TV."

I actually said this one, but the deal was irrevocably headed for the rocks by then anyway.

[Superhal]

"Well, you're the one who said to show you I love you AND stop treating you like a hooker! Can you see my dilemma?"

[gonzomax]

From "True Blood.' When Tara says : we have to talk".
Franklyn responds" I hate it when a women says that. I go black and wake up the next day surrounded by body parts'
That will slow things down a little.

[Alice The Goon]

Can I have a letter of reference?

[Perciful]

Since I stopped drinking we don't have anything in common anymore...

[jsgoddess]

True one (not said to or by me, thankfully):

"If you give me a friendly divorce, maybe I'll come back to you eventually!"

[The Bith Shuffle]

'I repeated, the woman I have been loving is not you.'
'But who?'
'Another woman in your shape.'

- Tess of the D'Urbervilles

[Hypno-Toad]

"Your Tits:Psycho ratio reversed"

[Wendell Wagner]

"But now that we've broken up, could you arrange a date for me with your mother? She's hot!"

"My new girlfriend says that it's all right if you and I still have sex, but no more than once a week. How do Saturday afternoons look for you?"

"I'm sorry, but did you have the impression that we were dating? I thought of you as a one-night-stand that refused to go away."

"I don't think you're woman enough for me. Maybe you and your best friend together though."

"Since your identical twin is genetically identical to you, it won't really even be breaking up exactly, just switching to another copy."

[Boyo Jim]

Since I stopped drinking we don't have anything in common anymore...

You don't look nearly so hot when I'm sober.

Since you've stopped drinking, you're boring, and not nearly so much the slut I've always hoped for.

[Perciful]

"No, seriously, I thought you were a man the whole time we were dating."


"If I have to sell my body to get the money to divorce you, I will!"


"Remember when I asked you out?? Well.... I was talking to the guy behind you"!


"Don't you just love when leeches get into your pants"?


"You know, if God actually stopped and thought about it, I'm pretty sure he could think of something better to do with skin rather than hold your sorry ass together"