The secret I can finally reveal to fellow dopers. I am a highly decorated Navy SEAL

[astro]

with multiple degrees in various martial arts. I am a human weapon! I work with the homeless on weekends, and set aside Tuesday evenings to be a mentor to disadvantaged children.

Let me tell you even more about myself. (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100716/ap_on_re_us/us_military_medals_impostors)

[Mighty_Girl]

Regardless of those persistent rumors, I did not develop the small pox vaccine, or invented cell phones. Please stop repeating these rumors.

[astro]

Regardless of those persistent rumors, I did not develop the small pox vaccine, or invented cell phones. Please stop repeating these rumors.

Stop being modest Mighty Girl, you did all that and more! You didn't even say anything about you and your intelligent atomic scooter "Osiris" fighting crime after the sun goes down.

[Zsofia]

See, I was a Navy Seal, but the Marines wanted me more. So I'm both. I can't tell you what my unit in the Marines is called 'cause it's too secret. You don't have the clearance.

[pravnik]

Might want to wait and see what happens on appeal there, Sensei Master Chief. ;)

[astro]

Might want to wait and see what happens on appeal there, Sensei Master Chief. ;)

There is no appeal. I forgot to tell you. I AM THE LAW!!

I met Chuck Norris once and the double dose of our testosterone was so intense all the women within 10 yards of us grew a douchey little chin beard.

[Chimera]

I'm a 10th Dan Black Belt in a Martial Art so secret that even the President of the United States lacks the clearance to know it's name.

I'm a highly decorated war hero in an off-world war against an alien race. Of course all of that is secret, so no one knows about it.

I've won 47 Congressional Medals of Honor, but they're all so secret that even Congress wasn't told about them.

In fact, all of this is so highly secret and sensitive, that everyone who ever reads this post will be tracked down and have their memory erased using that secret alien technology.

[Chimera]

Chuck Norris has ME on speed dial in case he comes across something he can't handle.

[ataraxy22]

I'm just a mere leopard seal.

[runner pat]

Anybody know if Chimera will be posting to this thread?

[mhendo]

I can't comment on the strength of the judge's constitutional argument, or on the likelihood that his decision will be overturned on appeal, but as a general principle, i like his ruling.

I've argued before that this sort of lie, while stupid and deserving of scorn and ridicule, should not be subject to criminalization. If someone claims to be a veteran in order to defraud the government of benefits, or something similar, the person should be charged under the relevant laws. But simply lying about yourself in order to impress other people? Douchebags do that all the time, and it shouldn't be illegal.

[DocCathode]

I AM highly decorated!

I'm wearing tinsel, popcorn strings, glass balls, and a few Hallmark keepsake ornaments.

[mhendo]

I can't comment on the strength of the judge's constitutional argument...Well, actually, i can comment, because i'm a highly-regarded constitutional lawyer who has argued in front of the Supreme Court.

But i'm not going to, because you can't afford my rates.

[Unintentionally Blank]

If it's unconstitutional under [civilian] law, can we use military law instead? They don' take no shit from nobody!

[Boyo Jim]

...I've won 47 Congressional Medals of Honor, but they're all so secret that even Congress wasn't told about them.
....

I'm catching up. I won three last week. But they're so secret even I'm not allowed to know what I did to earn them.

[Jolly Roger]

I'm a time lord.

[Boyo Jim]

Me too! I won several of my medals next week.

[Electric Warrior]

The truth is...

I am Iron Man.

[Gagundathar]

*I* graduated HIGH SCHOOL!
Top 80% of my class too!

Hah... so there.

And my wife is Morgan Fairchild... who I have seen naked.

[Malleus, Incus, Stapes!]

I am the World's Most Humble Person three years running. Not that I'm bragging or anything.

[pravnik]

Anybody know if Chimera will be posting to this thread?Why would he? He's just a mild mannered reporter, if I remember correctly.

[Der Trihs]

I'm actually God. My atheism? Just a cover. Who'd suspect me of all people of being God? I can even tell people on message boards my true identity and they'll never believe me!


Edited in order to create a false impression of fallibility and preserve my cover

[Cat Whisperer]

I AM highly decorated!

I'm wearing tinsel, popcorn strings, glass balls, and a few Hallmark keepsake ornaments.
Pics or it didn't happen! No, wait, I remember how that went last time...

[Zebra]

You are all just voices in my head.

[willthekittensurvive?]

I fathered all of ya, you can ask your mom and she will deny of course, but her mysterious smile after you pop the question is all about her remembering the night we conceived you .

yeah ,you can call we Daddy, but don't come asking for a allowance or anything

[EvilTOJ]

I see none of my fellow Rangers have posted in the thread yet. I'm on disability due to my last mission. My team and I had to sneak across a south american border to go rescue a diplomat and the previous rescue team. The rest I can't talk about.

[Tapioca Dextrin]

I see none of my fellow Rangers have posted in the thread yet.

I'm Koragg the Knight Wolf. I ate the other Rangers.

[lawoot]

I used to be a Seal, but I got promoted. I'm now a Steller Sea Lion.

[Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor]

I...am Spartacus!

[Lacunae Matata]

I used to be a Seal, but I got promoted. I'm now a Steller Sea Lion.

Bow to me. I am the walrus! (Koo koo ka choo!)

[GuanoLad]

I am not a Navy SEAL. I am, however, a grey seal. One day I hope to be promoted to orca.

[BigT]

I'm actually God. My atheism? Just a cover. Who'd suspect me of all people of being God? I can even tell people on message boards my true identity and they'll never believe me!


Edited in order to create a false impression of fallibility and preserve my cover

That gave me the biggest laugh I've had in a long time. Thanks, dude.

Now to get back to that super secret project I was going to tell you guys about. They said they'd kill me if I told, but that wo

[blondebear]

Wait a minute, I'm a seal, too!
And this thread has my approval.

[Projammer]

Well, first I [redacted]

Then in 1995 there was the time I [redacted]

And the whole Y2K thing? I [redacted]

Things have been quiet lately, but I'm keeping in shape for 1012 when I will [redacted]

[Malleus, Incus, Stapes!]

I'm a vacuum seal.

[Unintentionally Blank]

<giggles> Naw, that's just ice cream!

[kopek]

I'm a time lord.

Sort of like me but without the capital "L" and the holes in the feet, huh?


Anyone else read the thread title and flash a mental image of a circus seal wrapped in Christmas lights and bulbs? No? :smack:

[njtt]

Bow to me. I am the walrus! (Koo koo ka choo!)

The walrus was Paul. (Clue.)

[Little Nemo]

Those moon landing hoaxes are all bullshit. And I know this because as an astronaut I've been to the moon.

[kunilou]

I don't want to brag, so I won't go into detail. But remember a few years ago when the Iron Curtain collapsed and then the Soviet Union itself fell?

[CutterJohn]

Things have been quiet lately, but I'm keeping in shape for 1012 when I will [redacted]

We may not know your mission, but you let slip the fact that you have a super secret time machine!

[Little Nemo]

I don't usually talk about it but I was highly decorated.

Taught me not to fall asleep on the couch when the kids were setting up the Christmas tree.

[wolfman]

Chuck Norris has ME on speed dial in case he comes across something he can't handle.

I just had to change my phone number because the "Most interesting man in the world" just won't stopping bugging me and wanting to tag along.

[runner pat]

I just had to change my phone number because the "Most interesting man in the world" just won't stopping bugging me and wanting to tag along.

Sorry about that, he asked me if I had it.

[Lord Mondegreen]

I blew a navy seal once. The mechanic replaced it with an orange one.

[Cheshire Human]

I founded the Navy SEALs, and the British SAS!

[Electronic Chaos]

I see none of my fellow Rangers have posted in the thread yet. I'm on disability due to my last mission. My team and I had to sneak across a south american border to go rescue a diplomat and the previous rescue team. The rest I can't talk about.

How do you sneak across South American borders in those giant robot dinosaur things you guys drive?

[Neverender]

I founded the Navy SEALs, and the British SAS!

And I make up the rest of the SAS. I'm that good a soldier that the SAS now solely consists of myself and clones thereof.

Also, Chuck Norris wears Neverender pajamas.

[Malacandra]

I have a functioning time machine. I'll just pop back a minute or two and post to this thread.

Aaaaand here I am!

[Malacandra]

I have a functioning time machine. I'll just pop back a minute or two and post to this thread.

[Autolycus]

The truth is...

I am Iron Man.

Have you lost your mind?

***

Personally, I'm a Greek god!

[KinkiNipponTourist]

I blew a navy seal once...

no doubt because he deserved it. :cool:

[Sunspace]

I am the protrusion into this dimension of a vast four-dimensional entity.

[Daerlyn]

I am the protrusion into this dimension of a vast four-dimensional entity.

Well, now you're just making stuff up.

[BMalion]

I'm a lover, not a fighter.

[Nava]

I don't want to brag, so I won't go into detail. But remember a few years ago when the Iron Curtain collapsed and then the Soviet Union itself fell?

You put BandAids on it?

[GHO57]

I used to be a sergeant in FDF light infantry (Recon)... I would tell you more, but I would be committing treason by merely describing the super secret training I received. Sufficed to say, I'm a real-life government trained killing machine.

[panache45]

I AM highly decorated!

I'm wearing tinsel, popcorn strings, glass balls, and a few Hallmark keepsake ornaments.

Yes, and you . . . and millions of others . . . are decorated every year to celebrate MY birthday!

And yes it's true, I can walk on water.

[El_Kabong]

I set people on fire at vast distances, using only my brain. Hang on, just a minute...there.

If you don't believe me, check the Mombasa newspapers tomorrow.

[Chefguy]

I was the second shooter on the grassy knoll.

[Projammer]

We may not know your mission, but you let slip the fact that you have a super secret time machine!
:D Fortunately, typing and proofreading won't be necessary for my participation in the 2012 event.

So if you get to celebrate Christmas in 2012, you're welcome. If not, well, I tried.

[runner pat]

:D Fortunately, typing and proofreading won't be necessary for my participation in the 2012 event.

So if you get to celebrate Christmas in 2012, you're welcome. If not, well, I tried.

Don't worry, it worked.

[Winston Smith]

...

[Gangster Octopus]

I'm

Just a man
With a man's courage
He knows nothing but a man
But he can never fail
No one but the pure in heart
May find the golden grail
Oh oh - oh oh
Flash

[TruCelt]

I was on the Navy Super Secret Chimp-fighting squad. I can knock out a chimp with a shock wave of force without ever having touched him.

I was also the first US Operative to successfully stare down a goat. . .

[Boyo Jim]

I am a member of the Supreme Secret Court. Our decisions are so secret we don't tell anyone about them.

[TruCelt]

I am a member of the Supreme Secret Court. Our decisions are so secret we don't tell anyone about them.

So you're the one who approved that wire tap on my cell?

::looks constipated::

I just killed your dog!

[Boyo Jim]

Then you killed a secret terrorist-sniffing dog! One of very few dogs in the whole world trained to detect terrorists by the smell of evil.

[Sunspace]

Well, now you're just making stuff up.No I'm not. You're one too!

[Chefguy]

I also assisted in the faking of the moon landing. That was actually me in that video, jumping around like a fool. In later years, I was the top agent for the CIA (and in fact still am), doing wet work around the world. Okay, it was fixing swimming pools for diplomats, but still . . . it was wet.

[Boyo Jim]

I have it on good authority (my own) that we faked the fake moon landing.

[Chefguy]

I have it on good authority (my own) that we faked the fake moon landing.

That was you!? :eek:

[Satchmo]

I'm Cecil Adams!

[Boyo Jim]

Me and hundreds of other moon landing reenactors.

[Satchmo]

And so is my wife!

[runner pat]

I'm Cecil Adams!

Don't forget I suggested that name. Before that, you were just little Ed Z...never mind.