Gap babies, check in! (Birth order, not clothing)

[Rilchiam]

Thread about parents' ages gave rise to thread about "accidents", which inspired me to start this one.

If you know my posts, you know the story. First daughter: 1952. Second daughter, 1957. Third daughter -- me -- 1970. They have winter birthdays and I have a spring birthday, so they were 12 and 17 when I was born. However, the second daughter was estranged for many years, so I was left with effectively a 17-year gap.

I'm interested in hearing from half- and step-siblings as well as full. For full siblings, I think a true gap starts at about 10 years. Maybe eight, depending on the family dynamic. Year of birth can also be relevant. My sisters got to experience the freedom of the late '60s and early '70s when they were old enough to appreciate it, while I was brought to consciousness in the liberal '70s, then suddenly found myself in the conform-or-die '80s. It also makes a bit of a difference how many older siblings there were. And of course, there's the planned vs. surprise/accident factor. And if any older siblings want to chime in, they can.

[norinew]

Well, you've read it here before, maybe, but my oldest daughter was born in 1987, my second daughter in 1991, and my third, not until 1999 (actually, Dec. 29, 1999, so this close to being a Y2K baby; but she was a scheduled C-section, and hubby wanted us out of the hospital by Y2K, so we scheduled a few days early).

As a result, I now have: a daughter who's been married for over a year; a daughter who's living on her own, with her boyfriend; a daughter who is in the 5th grade. ;)

For all intents and purposes, 10YO mudgirl is an 'only child'. She gets along well with her sisters, and absolutely idolizes my middle daughter, but they're out on their own, and have been for over a year now. The kid has me more or less to herself.

Both of my older daughters are registered here, so you may hear from them. But their internet availability tends to be spotty, so I'm not sure. . .

[Shirley Ujest]

My childhood best friends dad was the youngest of three.

The eldest mom had when she was 15.

The second child she had at 30.

He was born when she was 45.


All with the same husband.

[Aspidistra]

I'm the elder of a "gap" pair - my brother was born when I was eleven. Sometimes I say that I was an only child and so was my brother ;). I first moved out of home when I was seventeen, so obviously we didn't have a huge amount of opportunity to be close (and now we live in different countries and probably will for the forseeable future) but I do really like him as a person, and think he's pretty cool.

He was over a few years ago, for our Nan's funeral and stayed a couple of days in Melbourne, and I remember joking to him at one point "hey, we really do think alike. It's almost as if we grew up in the same house or something!"

There are some things about our upbringing in which I had the better deal - I was a lot closer to our grandparents for instance and had a lot of favouritism shown me as first grandkid on both sides. On the other hand, he never had to stay home as a teenager to babysit a younger sibling, or live in a house with only an outside toilet. So I think the scales come out fairly even there.

[Chefguy]

The impact somewhat depends upon when the gap occurred. For me, my siblings were born in the 1930s, during the depression. They grew up poor, with our parents struggling to keep them fed and clothed. I came along as a baby boomer in 1947. Within a few years of the war, my mother and stepfather were making ends meet, and by the mid-50s were part of the burgeoning middle class. As a result, I was given the things that other kids had; things my sibs had only dreamed about.

By the time I was ten, my sibs were both married and starting families. They grew up with swing music and Sinatra; I grew up with Elvis, The Beatles and Hendryx. They grew up dealing with sibling rivalry; I grew up as an only child. I also grew up with a different set of values than my sibs, and it causes friction to this day. They are die-hard, hard-core Republicans who are suspicious of other ethnicities and races. They never went far from home, whereas I've been all over the world.

[Stauderhorse]

Sister was born 1974, brother 1975 - I was born 1988.

[Omega Glory]

I'm the elder of a "gap" pair - my brother was born when I was eleven.

Same here, except I have a sister. She's very much the stereotypical youngest child, instead of having the traits of being an only kid. Maybe because she was the long awaited second baby, and everyone went a little crazy over her.

[MentalGuy]

My brother was born in 1948, my sister in 1949. I was born in 1964. We also moved from Ohio to Kentucky between my 2nd and 3rd grade years of school, so I grew up in a completely different environment than they did.

I can't really say that either of us had it better. They grew up before our dad became disabled, but even afterwards, he was still fairly active. We all get along well now.

[Rilchiam]

For all intents and purposes, 10YO mudgirl is an 'only child'.

With all due respect, no. No, she's not. Nor is any gap baby.

[Chefguy]

For all intents and purposes, 10YO mudgirl is an 'only child'.

With all due respect, no. No, she's not. Nor is any gap baby.

This would seem to fly in the face of any social/psych studies that I'm familiar with. While a gap baby may not technically be an only child, the liklihood of that child growing up with the same expectations and mindset of an only child is high, depending on the size of the gap.

[Rilchiam]

I'm not clear on what the "expectations and mindset" of only children are, but I do know this: The gap baby may be off the older siblings' radar once they leave home, but they are probably not off hers. She probably still thinks of herself as having sisters, while they probably now think of her as "the kid at home." So she's alienated, while still knowing that she's NOT an only child.

[GESancMan]

Not exactly what the OP had in mind, but... both of my parents were the babies of their families. Dad's sister is eight years older, and mom's siblings are sixteen, twelve and five years older. All but one of my eighteen cousins are older than me, most of them by at least ten years.

[Omega Glory]

I'm not clear on what the "expectations and mindset" of only children are, but I do know this: The gap baby may be off the older siblings' radar once they leave home, but they are probably not off hers. She probably still thinks of herself as having sisters, while they probably now think of her as "the kid at home." So she's alienated, while still knowing that she's NOT an only child.

I don't think it generally has anything to do with who is on/off the other person's radar, but about things like how having to share/compete for the resources in a family, or not, shapes a person as he or she grows up.

[Rilchiam]

So does knowing there are people who share your DNA, and yet you're not part of their lives. And anyway, someone has to be the last to leave.

[Septima]

As an only child, I really have to agree that if you have older siblings, you are not an only child. Being an only child is not about not having to "compete" for resources, it is about not having siblings. If someone else knows what its like to be raised by your parents, you are not an only child.

I have known and loved several "gap babies", and their lives and experiences are not like mine, and not like those of my other only child friends. That's just the way it is.

To return to topic, please keep sharing. I love "story" threads. I'm fascinated by sibling relations as only an only child can be.

[Septima]

BTW, Rilchiam, I just remembered this old thread (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=262223). What made you change your mind about gap babies and only children? I'm really curious, and amused at the contrast.

[Rilchiam]

BTW, Rilchiam, I just remembered this old thread (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=262223). What made you change your mind about gap babies and only children? I'm really curious, and amused at the contrast.

You did! Your posts, or more accurately, the wording of them, gave me a different perspective.

BTW, GESancMan, I can relate to that too.

[Septima]

Aw, that's so sweet! Someone noticed me :D

[Omega Glory]

As an only child, I really have to agree that if you have older siblings, you are not an only child. Being an only child is not about not having to "compete" for resources, it is about not having siblings. If someone else knows what its like to be raised by your parents, you are not an only child.

I have known and loved several "gap babies", and their lives and experiences are not like mine, and not like those of my other only child friends. That's just the way it is.

To return to topic, please keep sharing. I love "story" threads. I'm fascinated by sibling relations as only an only child can be.
If the gap is large enough, they might only know in general terms though.

My sister and I can't sit back and talk about what it was (or is in her case) like to grow up with this or that parenting style, because our parents had completely different values, resources, techniques, and circumstances after all that time.

Rilchiam, I'm not sure what you mean - is that post a reply to mine? Someone has to be the last to leave, but most siblings usually spend a substantial amount of time under the same roof.

edit: I see now that this is in IMHO, so I won't keep hijacking the poll.

[Rilchiam]

Omega, there's no poll here. Say what you want to say; I'm just looking for anecdotes.

And yes, I was replying to you (although not combatively). norine has said in other threads that mudgirl is "almost eleven," and if she's only been alone for a year, that means she spent ~10 years living with at least one sibling. To me, that is a substantial amount of time. The second of my two sisters left when I was barely 5. From my perspective, mudgirl is merely the youngest. She was old enough, when the middle daughter left, to know what was what, as opposed to me who only found out that Jan wasn't coming back when I asked when she was bringing the TV back. Suppose there was only a four-year gap, and mudgirl was alone only from age 14 on. Would that make her an only child for four years? I'm holding with septima here: if you have siblings, you're not an only. And unless the parents have all multiples, someone will be the youngest.

As for your case, well, having only one older sibling is different too. There are so many variables in this! I think it's worse in cases where there are two or more children already when Oopsie comes along. It can happen, although I'm not saying it always does, that the older siblings end up putting aside their differences and allying themselves against the newbie. And that doesn't always get resolved either.

[kushiel]

Brother was born in '76, I was born in '86. He was going to university when I started grade 4. He just had his first baby today, I feel like I haven't fully left the nest even though I moved out a few years ago.

I concur with norinew, there were a lot of times I felt like an only child. He left when I was 8 and he moved back to the same city when I was 16. Those 8 years were very odd, he was like a relative we just visited every once in a while. I had forgotten many of those early years we spent bonding before he graduated high school.

[Omega Glory]

Omega, there's no poll here. Say what you want to say; I'm just looking for anecdotes.

And yes, I was replying to you (although not combatively). norine has said in other threads that mudgirl is "almost eleven," and if she's only been alone for a year, that means she spent ~10 years living with at least one sibling. To me, that is a substantial amount of time. The second of my two sisters left when I was barely 5. From my perspective, mudgirl is merely the youngest. She was old enough, when the middle daughter left, to know what was what, as opposed to me who only found out that Jan wasn't coming back when I asked when she was bringing the TV back. Suppose there was only a four-year gap, and mudgirl was alone only from age 14 on. Would that make her an only child for four years? I'm holding with septima here: if you have siblings, you're not an only. And unless the parents have all multiples, someone will be the youngest.

As for your case, well, having only one older sibling is different too. There are so many variables in this! I think it's worse in cases where there are two or more children already when Oopsie comes along. It can happen, although I'm not saying it always does, that the older siblings end up putting aside their differences and allying themselves against the newbie. And that doesn't always get resolved either.

Okay, I've seen the mods admonish people to give their answers and move on, so I just wanted to be careful here. I can see what you mean about norinew's case, and was speaking more generally on the topic.

There definitely can be a lot of variables, and I can see how things would be different in a family where there were already several siblings or gap baby was a surprise (though of course that doesn't mean unwanted) and in my family's case where the GB arrived as a result of being on an adoption waiting list for years. In our situation, everyone had quite some time to prepare for the idea, instead of being settled into the idea of being finished parenting in X number of years, then suddenly finding that the date had been pushed back eighteen years. Then there are all the different personalities - if the much older sibling is the type that feels it's okay to tease the younger one, there's going to be a much different dynamic than there would be if the two were only a couple of years apart in age.

[Little Nemo]

Franklin Roosevelt was a gap baby and a pretty extreme example of one. His only sibling was his brother James, who was 28 years older than him.

[muldoonthief]

My brothers were born in 53 & 54, I was born in 67. I was a "replacement" baby though - there was another brother who was born in 59 & died in 65. My parents had another baby in 69. My sister is a gap baby as well - she was born in 79, when the rest of us were 26, 25, 12, & 10.

[Rilchiam]

Another thing to bear in mind is that parents of an only child have never raised a kid before. Parents of a gap baby have BTDT. So a lot depends on whether their attitude is "Now I can enjoy being a parent" or "Shit, I gotta go through THIS again."

[Eliahna]

My brothers were born in 53 & 54,[...] My sister is a gap baby as well - she was born in 79

My father was born in '53, my younger brother in '79 :) Quite an amazing spread of ages in your family!

My ex-SIL was born after an 11 year gap, and another sister came along two years after that. They were like two separate families - the oldest two, the boys, were raised predominately in the US by a fairly young mother and father, the girls were raised in Australia by an older single mother (and later, a step-father). Money wasn't a problem for the older kids, but was tightly budgeted for the younger ones. The older kids got to travel a lot and see quite a bit of the world, the younger ones didn't set foot on a plane between 1991 and 2002. The boys were the only two siblings in their family, the girls were two among ten kids, counting a selection of half- and step-siblings.

There is still closeness between the siblings, but their childhoods were so very different.

[norinew]

Another thing to bear in mind is that parents of an only child have never raised a kid before. Parents of a gap baby have BTDT. So a lot depends on whether their attitude is "Now I can enjoy being a parent" or "Shit, I gotta go through THIS again."
True, that. One of the reasons I was able to enjoy my youngest more is that by then, I had a good grasp of the idea of "this too shall pass". When you are a new parent, it often seems that whatever damnable phase your baby/kid is in (whether it's the colic of the first months or the 'Terrible Twos'), is going to go on forever. Even with my first one, I didn't really internalize that this isn't true. By my third one, though, I was able to step back (metaphorically speaking) and say "OK, this sucks, but I know it's only temporary" or "As magical as this is, I'd better cherish it because it's only temporary".

Really helped a lot.

[nashiitashii]

My two older siblings were born in 68 and 73, and I was born in 83, so there's a bit of a gap between all of us. Because of the ten year gap between one sibling and I, we're still figuring out a comfortable relationship as adult siblings. With the other one, it's a bit easier because he wasn't going through the awkward teenager stuff when I was in elementary school, so we spent more time together when we were younger. I'm always going to be the little kid sister, but it's easier to remind the oldest that I'm an adult and capable of caring for myself than it is to remind the middle child of the same.

[BleizDu]

I'm a gap baby, my brothers were pretty much out of the house by the time I was 4-6yo. I have a 10 years difference with the youngest, 12 with the other.
They left school and home early to work so for the vast majority of my life, I was the only kid at home. My brothers have friends whom, when I met them, didn't even known they had another sibling.
And as others, there were a difference in class between how my parents live when my brothers were kids, and how they lived when I grew up, they were much well off by then.
Like others, I also saw myself as an only child, though I can see there are difference between me and a real only child. (I was the third kid, and born female, so all the family was really happy)

[muldoonthief]

My brothers were born in 53 & 54,[...] My sister is a gap baby as well - she was born in 79

My father was born in '53, my younger brother in '79 :) Quite an amazing spread of ages in your family!



Yeah, we're a mess. My mother was a gap baby also (12 years younger than her nearest sibling), so my kids have relatives older than them, but who are 2 generations "below" them. My youngest sister hasn't had any kids yet, but if she waits a few more years, we'll probably hit a 3 generation age inversion.

[IvoryTowerDenizen]

Eldest sister- 1948


Next sister- 1956
Next sister 1959


Me- 1967

18.5 years from eldest to youngest.

Same mom and dad, one marriage. My mom had kids in her 20s, 30s and 40s and in the decades of the 40s, 50s and 60s. Remarkable.

I am actually closer in age (by 6 mos) to my eldest nephew that my closest sibling.

[congodwarf]

My sisters and I are fairly normal (1/77, 9/78, and me 1/80). BUT, my half brother was born when I was probably 21 or 22. My half sister was born when I was 24 or 25. I've never met either of them even though I lived only about 30 miles away for the first 5 or 6 years of their lives. My parents divorced when I was 3 and I had very little (not little enough for me though) contact with my dad. I was at his wedding to his third wife but I haven't seen either of them since and have no desire to. I feel no actual attachment of any kind to my brother or sister. I have no longing to meet them and be a sister to them. If they want to meet me when they're older (assuming they even know that they have 3 adult sisters), then I'll definitely indulge them. I wonder if they know that they have nephew who is older than them and in the case of my sister, a niece who is her age. If they had been born to my mother, I have no doubt that I'd be very close to them.


When I was in elementary school, one of my classmates was actually uncle to my (older) sister's best friend. He was 2 years younger than his niece. At the time, I had trouble wrapping my head around it. Now, it doesn't seem so odd to me.




My mother's younger brother has 5 children. Their ages are (estimated because I don't know them very well) 33, 30, 25 or 26, 21, 12. I'm pretty certain on the first 2 ages because they're similar in age to my oldest sister and to me. I know the 3rd kid was born not too long after her brother and me.

My mother's younger sister has 2 children. The older daughter is 33 also (first 3 kids in my generation were all born within 10 months of each other). The younger one just turned 21.

Other than my father, the rest of his family is normal (and the contrast isn't just due to age gaps).

[Hilarity N. Suze]

Gaps, I has 'em.

Oldest son (of four), 26 years older than youngest son.

I had one son in each of the last four decades of the 20th century.

Last three with my husband, who has the same claim with the last three and his daughter from a previous marriage. (However, being a guy, he could just go on and on and keep doing this, although he'd have to find somebody younger.)

ETA: I once commented to a friend that my youngest was "effectively" an only child, his nearest brother being 13 years old when he was born. Said nearest brother, who was sitting in the car, heard me, and locked me out of the car.

But really it was more like the kid had 4 parents.