My lousy birthday

[Meggroll]

I feel kinda silly putting this up, but it's definitely mundane and pointless in the Grand Scheme of Things.

Background: About three and a half months ago, I moved from my family and my parents' house in New Jersey clear across the country to be with my boyfriend in Tucson, Arizona. It's certainly been an adjustment, but I think on the whole we're doing okay. I get homesick sometimes, but it passes and things are all right or happy again.

Today was my 26th birthday. My boyfriend (should I call him Springroll or some kind of other cute nickname for the Dope?) had insisted upon giving me my birthday presents Saturday rather than today. I told him quite a bit in advance that he didn’t have to give me *all* my presents Saturday, because he said he got me more than one thing and I would like to open something on my actual birthday. He agreed, and saved a card and a small present for today. For what it’s worth, the present was tickets to a basketball game yesterday, which we both went to and had a good time.

Fast forward to today, my Real Live Birthday! I wake up at 4:30 am and go to work for about ten hours. I come home, and Springroll and I begin looking for a place to go out to eat. Now that I live on my own, I can’t afford my traditional birthday meal of crab because it isn’t in the budget. Instead, we decide on a buffet. I duck out to call my mom and sister, and during that conversation, a co-worker posts a birthday wish on my Facebook wall that was a bit over the line. Naturally, a fight ensued, I end up in tears and I’m sleeping on the couch tonight.

So, yeah. My birthday. No cards (nothing from my family came in the mail for me today), nothing to open, no cake, no dinner. I feel like a huge whiney hiney for writing this, but I just wanted to let out my disappointment in what was supposed to be a somewhat special day. I know I should have been more pro-active or something (gotten my own dang cake, gone out and gotten some kind of food alone, etc), but it’s kind of hard to do when you’re being sad about a rotten day.

Sorry for the length and the blogginess. I’m not usually like this, I swear. It's like an ode to first world problems.

[Alice The Goon]

I hate it when that happens.

If I'd known it was your birthday, I'd have baked a cake, and delivered it to you.

I hope all of your future birthdays are spectacularly wonderful.

[Glory]

I worry that your boyfriend is holding you responsible for something a coworker posted on your FB page. You have no control over what other people post. I can't believe your boyfriend would ruin your birthday because of something so petty. The fact that you think "naturally a fight ensued" is natural is just heart breaking. That's NOT natural, that is crazy-behavior.

I would be livid and asking myself tough questions if this is the person for me. The right guy for me would make my birthday special. Not let me sleep on the couch, hungry.

[Alice The Goon]

Oh yeah, that too.

[Meggroll]

Well, I'm not gonna go hungry just because I didn't go out to dinner. I'm not that spoiled that I would pout and not eat, there is food in the house. And like I said, he made yesterday more special with a trip into Phoenix to see my favorite team and we had a good time.

It's just that it's my first birthday away from home and I kinda miss the ritual of the cake and singing and stuff like that. And plus it sucks to fight on your birthday.

[Claude Remains]

Happy (belated) birthday. :) Sorry to read about your crappy day but I think we need more info. A smack of jealousy and some ducking out is never good. Please, share some more?

[Freudian Slit]

Sorry that happened...

I'm curious, too--what exactly was the Facebook message that was over the top? Like, over the top in terms of sexual and your boyfriend got jealous...?

[Meggroll]

Well, first, I ducked out to return calls I received because I get better service outside as opposed to in. That wasn't a Thing.

The Facebook message wasn't sexual or anything, but it was a bit on the "I am hitting on you slightly" side of the line. It weirded me out a bit, something like, "Happy birthday! You are a TOTALLY AWESOME person! Hope all your wishes and dreams come true!!" This from someone I've talked to twice. It feels silly posting it on here because it seems so innocuous, but it did reflect more of a relationship than I have with this guy.

[Freudian Slit]

In any event, though, I don't see why your boyfriend was mad at you. It's not your fault someone wrote something over the top or odd on your wall.

[Erdosain]

No offense, but your boyfriend sounds insanely jealous and like a bit of a wackjob. Plus he needs to learn that when HE starts the fight, HE should sleep on the couch, not vice versa.

Also, you are a TOTALLY AWESOME person and I hope all your dreams and wishes come true!

[Green Cymbeline]

I duck out to call my mom and sister, and during that conversation, a co-worker posts a birthday wish on my Facebook wall that was a bit over the line. Naturally, a fight ensued, I end up in tears and I’m sleeping on the couch tonight.Wait, what?

So you're saying that while you were outside on the phone, and your BF was inside the restaurant, he checked your Facebook page, presumably on a smartphone, and then when you came back into the restaurant, he confronted you about it? What exactly did he say? And how did it possibly become an argument that ended in tears, no dinner (even though you were already at the restaurant), and YOU sleeping on the couch? I just cannot even imagine how this went down.

What was your boyfriend's rationale for getting mad at you?

This story raises some SERIOUS red flags, I hope you realize that.

[thirdwarning]

Yes, boyfriend probably/possibly overreacted to a Facebook post. But I got the impression they were still at home when it happened. She might have left the page up when she went outside to return phone calls. It's likely not as bad as you have it pictured, since it might not have been spying as much as noticing it when it was there.

Still, a fight over something somebody else said? That she had no control over? That's not so cool. I really hope it wasn't quite like it sounded.

Anyway, Meggroll, I hope your birthdays from now on are wonderful, and I really hope this one has a happy ending.

[Meggroll]

Wait, what?

So you're saying that while you were outside on the phone, and your BF was inside the restaurant, he checked your Facebook page, presumably on a smartphone, and then when you came back into the restaurant, he confronted you about it? What exactly did he say? And how did it possibly become an argument that ended in tears, no dinner (even though you were already at the restaurant), and YOU sleeping on the couch? I just cannot even imagine how this went down.

What was your boyfriend's rationale for getting mad at you?

This story raises some SERIOUS red flags, I hope you realize that.

Oh, no. That isn't what happened. I can relate this the long way, pull up a chair.

On Friday, I got friend requests from two co-workers, one male, one female. I accepted both and figured that it would be a good way to know interesting things going on around town, beings that I'm new to the area. It bothered him that I added the male co-worker, since it is a local person who he doesn't know and therefore doesn't trust. I said that I didn't mean to make him uncomfortable, and offered to unfriend, as I honestly don't care about Facebook friends that much. This couples in with him seeing that I look at other men a bit too long. I don't think that I do, and don't think that I notice other guys when we're out anyway, but if he's so bothered by it I am willing to examine my actions and see if that's happening.

Anyway. He was already uncomfortable with this add, and he said I should have let him know I was going to add a male from the area to my friends. I said okay, I'll communicate better in the future. Today, I got home from work, and while calling my mom I check my Facebook. This is before we were going to go out, since NJ is two hours ahead of AZ. I see the comment, as well as getting vaguely hit on in Facebook chat by this guy. After the phone conversations, I went back in the house, and showed that this went on to my boyfriend, trying to communicate like I said I would, before de-friending the vaguely creepy guy. We never got to dinner, etc etc.

I'm the one on the couch because I chose to be, I don't want to be in the bedroom when I am upset about all these goings-on. I'm also not one to kick someone out of bed when I'm the one with the problem.

eta: And hey! It looks like now I know how to quote other posts! Neat.

[Claude Remains]

Run. don't walk. run. vaguely creepy guy is your best bet. Ladies, I'm out of here.

[Rilchiam]

I'm also not one to kick someone out of bed when I'm the one with the problem.

Whoa.

Your problem is your so-called boyfriend.

Bad enough that he got jealous because of that innocuous message, but he's telling you who you can and can't friend on FB?

[Erdosain]

It bothered him that I added the male co-worker, since it is a local person who he doesn't know and therefore doesn't trust. I said that I didn't mean to make him uncomfortable, and offered to unfriend, as I honestly don't care about Facebook friends that much. This couples in with him seeing that I look at other men a bit too long. I don't think that I do, and don't think that I notice other guys when we're out anyway, but if he's so bothered by it I am willing to examine my actions and see if that's happening.

Oh, honey. This paragraph is so full of wrong, I don't know where to start. I'm sorry, but repeat after me, "This is not normal boyfriend behavior." At least, you know, not unless you're in a Lifetime movie called "Betrayed Trust: the Megg Roll Story."

[Meggroll]

Whoa.

Your problem is your so-called boyfriend.

Bad enough that he got jealous because of that innocuous message, but he's telling you who you can and can't friend on FB?

Whoops. I meant, when I'm the one pissed off, not that I'm a problem.

[Olentzero]

Post #13 was so full of red flags I almost started singing the Internationale.

This man has serious problems with jealousy and an urge to control a mile wide. A man who wants to act reasonably in a relationship doesn't try to decide who gets to be his partner's friends from the get-go. Further down the road he might notice that the friendship is having an unhealthy effect and try to work things out to fix it, but to say "I don't like you being his friend because HE'S ANOTHER MAN" as soon as you friend him on Facebook is beyond unreasonable. And that FB birthday post was nowhere near over the top; it's a little gushy but not inappropriate at all. Insisting you "look too long at other men" is the icing on the cake, though. That's just out-and-out manipulative. You bend to this one, and I would be very surprised if he didn't start making more demands on your time and behavior.

You're at a bit of a disadvantage because you're thousands of miles away from home and family, in a new town with nobody else to turn to, and I kind of suspect your new boyfriend there might like it that way. He's got all the makings of a bully. Don't do anything drastic now, but make sure you've got a way out. I really think you're going to need it.

[thirdwarning]

"who he doesn't know and therefore doesn't trust"
This is not how it's supposed to work. He has no reason not to trust this guy, but he does anyway, just because he wants to friend you on Facebook? And he wants you to ask him about what you do or who you talk to?

This is not the way boyfriends normally act.

[Glory]

That is not normal behavior.

[Xandroid]

The boyfriend was right about the male co-worker, though--he did end up flirting with her on FB. It's still not something to start a fight over.

Before this thread gets all DTMFA, Meg and the boyfriend should maybe talk about his possible insecurity/jealousy/clairvoiancy issues.

Meg, I hope you have a happier birthweek!

[Olentzero]

I think we've already seen how he handles it. And we don't know for a fact this fellow ended up flirting with Megg; she described his wall post as over the top, but the actual text was anything but. We have Megg's assertion that he flirted, but given the fact that she automatically assumes she's in the wrong when HWOTBDA says something, I'd give more credence to the hypothesis that she was told he was flirting.

[Olentzero]

Oh, and the fact that she tried to do what he wanted and it ended up in a fight anyway - this is not the bedrock of a healthy relationship here.

[Zuzu's Petals]

This couples in with him seeing that I look at other men a bit too long. I don't think that I do, and don't think that I notice other guys when we're out anyway, but if he's so bothered by it I am willing to examine my actions and see if that's happening.

Big, flashing red warning signs, right there. One of my ex boyfriends was EXACTLY the same, getting upset and furious because I was looking at other guys. As in glancing at them; as in, happening to look over at them for more than a split second. Didn't matter; he'd throw a jealous fit over it for literally hours. 'I saw your eyes go up and down his body! How do you think that makes me feel?!' It got so that I was practically afraid to even look up when I was around him.

And it just got worse, no matter how much I tried to pander to him, or how innocent I was of whatever he was thinking. Once I saw a photo of his brother and made the mistake of saying, 'Oh, he's really good-looking.' Cue major freak-out - a screaming argument, him tearing the photo up and saying he could never look at it again, etc etc. Eventually things started to get violent - punching walls, gripping my arm hard enough to leave bruises. I have no doubt that, had I stayed, he would have graduated to punching me.

I was lucky; we were only together for a few months before he had to go off to boot
camp. Without him there anymore, the world suddenly felt like a much more relaxed, saner place. I broke up with him and am now married to the most un-jealous man imaginable - because he's a grown up and he trusts me. If I'd received a FB message like you described, I doubt he'd even notice - at most, I might get waggled eyebrows and a teasing 'Is there something you want to tell me?'

Fighting and crying and sleeping on the sofa? No way.

Trust me, this will not get better. Nothing, absolutely nothing that you do to try to make your bf trust you will work - because the problem isn't you, it's him. You'll find your freedoms eaten away at, one by one, until you live in dread of his reaction to every. Little. Thing. This is especially true now that you're in a strange city with him, cut off from your family and friends.

I'm sorry to sound like the voice of doom, and I know you're unlikely to believe me until things get much worse...but please. Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit.

[TruCelt]

What I see is that you are very willing to review your behavior and change it for his comfort. Is he willing to do the same? Like maybe, I dunno, stifle himself so you can have a nice birthday?

Watch carefully, this is a dangerous guy.

http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/verbal_emotional_abuse/104161

http://www.christiansandbdsm.com/spotabuser.html

http://socyberty.com/relationships/how-to-spot-an-abuser-on-the-first-date/?ewrd=1

If you're not ready to see, I understand. Just please make yourself this one promise: Do Not let this guy get you pregnant. Take extreme measures: an IUD, at the very least a Depo shot. You do not want to spend the next 18 years spending every penny and every scrap of energy and maybe still failing to protect your child from this man.

He is not a good man.

I'm sorry.

[LouisB]

How long did you know this guy before moving all those miles to be with him? It wasn't long enough, I'll bet on that. Is this one of those 'we fell in love on the internet' things?

You need to get the hell away from this guy and I don't care how you do it. If you have to leave everything you own behind you, do it. If you have to leave your favorite stuff behind you, do it. If you have to leave in the middle of the day/night with nothing more than the clothes on your back, do it; don't give any notice where you work; don't leave a forwarding address; change your phone number immediately and cancel your membership with any and all of the stupid Social Networking things of which you are a member; if the utilities are in your name, have 'em turned off AFTER you are gone and don't give them a forwarding address either. If you are due any refund, have it sent "in care of" to a friend or relative's address and DON'T file any kind of joint income tax return, either state or federal. Instruct your friends and relatives to tell this guy nothing at all concerning your whereabouts or your job. You are more than likely in danger, if you know it or not or if you believe it or not. I hope you've left him before you see this post.

[PunditLisa]

1) "You are TOTALLY AWESOME. Happy Birthday!" doesn't strike me as being flirtatious. It could have been sent by a female friend. While it was over-the-top simply because you don't know him well, it isn't necessarily a come on, IMO.

2) My FB account is none of my husband of 20+ years' business. It most certainly wouldn't be any of my boyfriend's business. Nor would my email, my personal mail or my text messages. Just because you're a couple doesn't mean that there's no room for privacy. I'd NEVER stay in a relationship with a man who was that controlling. My friend married someone like that -- he'd get jealous when we spent too long on our outlet mall shopping trips -- and he hasn't gotten any better. Think twice about what you're doing.

3) Your BF remembered your birthday and, in fact, got you several presents. You didn't receive most of them on your actual birthday? BFD. Quit trying to script things in your head and then being disappointed when they don't turn out exactly as you planned. Do you know that your parents and BF love you and will be there if you ever really need them? That's what counts.

4) Happy Belated Birthday.

[salinqmind]

I am gasping. I've seen that boyfriend's behavior before and believe me, things are going to get much much much worse.

The lack of balloons, pony rides, a big yummy birthday cake with candles, party hats, and everybody singing Happy Birthday is not your main problem. You sound immature, you moved away to screw some guy far from friends, family, and support system, he knows this, you're vulnerable and somewhat isolated, and he's going to treat you badly, in increments. The jealousy is a screaming red flag.

This relationship is not going to work out. Read the advice given here from people who know. You made a mistake with this guy. It isn't going to get 'better'. This is a big old hint. You're better off moving back home away from this jerk, keep this in mind, and maybe start thinking about a safe place to go while living where you are now.

(My own daughter had a similar situation. A young woman two miles away had a similar situation, and her boyfriend murdered her out of jealousy. My best friend was almost a prisoner in her own house, restraining order and all, harrassed by a mad stalker. These things happen and it's better to get out sooner than later.)

when I say you are immature, I realize this can happen to anyone at any stage of life, but it's the young women, deeply "in love", who have to have signs and red flags pointed out to them. They are often resistant to this and hope things get better, being in love and all.

[Olentzero]

3) Your BF remembered your birthday and, in fact, got you several presents. You didn't receive most of them on your actual birthday? BFD. Quit trying to script things in your head and then being disappointed when they don't turn out exactly as you planned. Do you know that your parents and BF love you and will be there if you ever really need them? That's what counts.

Try reading the relevant section again, here.

I told him quite a bit in advance that he didn’t have to give me *all* my presents Saturday, because he said he got me more than one thing and I would like to open something on my actual birthday. He agreed, and saved a card and a small present for today.

There's nothing there about her being disappointed she didn't get all her presents on her actual birthday; conversely there's a whole hell of a lot of evidence that this fellow doesn't actually love her.

[Alice The Goon]

All of these people know whereof they speak. I don't hold out much hope of you listening right now- you sound young and young girls tend to want to be in denial about this sort of thing, especially when they're far from home and isolated. If you decide not to heed this advice at this time, though, please, again, do not get pregnant. There are places in Tucson that can help you with anything from a place to stay to getting home. When you're ready, please ask for help.

[Moonlitherial]

Not all abusive men use their fists. Many of them use words to make you doubt your own actions, separate you from any other support system and convince you that only they have your best interests at heart. Excessive control is abusive and they generally ease you into it so you don't notice.

Right now you're saying to yourself "They don't understand, I must have explained it badly, he's not like that"

The reality is he IS like that but like the frog in the pot of water you can't see it because things change slowly enough that every step seems reasonable. Get out now.

Then take a while after this to get yourself back together before you jump into another relationship because the training he's done to you will show and you're at a high risk of picking another man just like him.

Sorry about your birthday but a clear look at what is happening in your life might just be the best present you've ever received.

[Ferret Herder]

There's the possibility that he isn't abusive, just really fucking immature about relationships, super-insecure, etc. Which isn't a whole lot better of a situation, but has some hope.

If you want to make this work out, and trying to talk it out with him just breaks down into arguments, go to counseling. If you find someone who works for you, figure out if this seems worth saving. Then, he must commit to going to couples counseling with you, and follow through on attending and honestly working on it. Not just saying the right things in session and not actually changing, or sabotaging it in other ways.

In the meantime, you have to take care of yourself and not let him push you into isolation. Change your passwords, keep control over your things. I hope he's just an immature idiot, but he might not be.

[Dung Beetle]

Meggroll, I hope we’re not scaring you away. A lot of us have ignored the same sorts of red flags and we’d sure like to help you.
Right now you're saying to yourself "They don't understand, I must have explained it badly, he's not like that"

The reality is he IS like that but like the frog in the pot of water you can't see it because things change slowly enough that every step seems reasonable.
Bingo. I don’t expect you to pack your bags right now on our say-so, but if you can just admit to yourself that this situation isn’t right, that’s a good step.

[freckafree]

Everyone else is covering the "red flag" issue, so I'm going to leave that one alone.

I'm surprised no one has come in to threadshit with the "No one over the age of 10 should expect anyone to make a fuss over his/her birthday" comment. (Or maybe I just haven't read the whole thread carefully enough.)

Anyhoo, fuck that notion. No matter the reason, having your birthday go unacknowledged just flat-out sucks. I'm with Alice. I'd have brought you a cake, too.

[Olentzero]

Nah, hasn't happened yet, but I fully support the "birthday = fuss" philosophy.

[pbbth]

I'm not going to tell you that your boyfriend is abusive and you should leave him. Typically I find that taking a single incident and describing it to other people (especially on the internet) blows things tremendously out of proportion and it is very, very easy to see abuse or severe personality problems where none exist. I have very specific rules about not discussing anything more than the lightest and silliest of interactions between myself and my husband here and not much more than that with IRL friends for this very reason.

That being said, he might actually be abusive and you might very well be better off leaving but that is a choice that is up to you. If his behavior the other day was completely different than his normal behavior it may be worth ignoring. If you have cheated on him before and he is overly sensitive to that kind of thing because of it the behavior may be understandable. If you have another reason to believe this was out of character I wouldn't worry too much about it. I would, however, discuss with him how hurt you are that he chose your birthday of all days to bring up his insecurities and ask if he would take you out for that buffet dinner as a late celebration to make up for it. I would also make a point of discussing with him that since you did uproot your life to be with him that you need him to be extra supportive and caring while you transition to life in Arizona. You may also want to find a local meetup group or church or something where you can meet people that are not your boyfriend so that if something does happen you have a network of people who can help you when you need it.

[Anaamika]

Are you listening? I doubt it, but just in case you are, everyone is right. He's gotten you away from your family and now the controlling behavior starts. Not even allowed to look at other men?

Bullshit.

Listen at the very least to pbbth and start making your own friends. Although how you're going to do that since he doesn't trust local men is hard. That alone raises the biggest red flag for me - that he doesn't want you to make friends locally. Have you made female friends? Does he allow those? does he want to know where you are with them, every moment you're with them?

And yes, talk to him, and find out what he was thinking. If he respons rationally, maybe this relationship still has a chance. I wouldn't put money on it, though. I would be pissed. I moved how many thousands of miles away to be with you and you're pissed because of a male coworker? Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

[Erdosain]

You may also want to find a local meetup group or church or something where you can meet people that are not your boyfriend so that if something does happen you have a network of people who can help you when you need it.

The only problem with this idea is that there might be MEN in this group, and her boyfriend needs to approve all her interactions with the opposite sex. Because, you know, she might look at them too long.

[Freudian Slit]

I'm not going to tell you that your boyfriend is abusive and you should leave him. Typically I find that taking a single incident and describing it to other people (especially on the internet) blows things tremendously out of proportion and it is very, very easy to see abuse or severe personality problems where none exist. I have very specific rules about not discussing anything more than the lightest and silliest of interactions between myself and my husband here and not much more than that with IRL friends for this very reason.


I do agree with this--and hey, everyone can have an off night. But she said he does get angry that she looks at other men too long. Coupled with him getting angry at something fairly innocuous...it just doesn't look good. Plus, the fact that she's far away from her friends and family makes her vulnerable. It seems worrying.

[pbbth]

I do agree with this--and hey, everyone can have an off night. But she said he does get angry that she looks at other men too long. Coupled with him getting angry at something fairly innocuous...it just doesn't look good. Plus, the fact that she's far away from her friends and family makes her vulnerable. It seems worrying.

Right, which is why I said he might well be abusive and she may want to leave. I just advocate discussing it with him first and seeing what can be worked out while making other friends in her new locale. It could be nothing. It could be that he is panicked about her leaving him because she doesn't like Arizona. It could be she has cheated on him before. It could be that he has a brain tumor that is making him react in ways he normally wouldn't. It could be that he doesn't realize he is being this way and will gladly work to correct the behavior in the future. It could be ANYTHING. That is why I say discuss first, then leave if that doesn't work.

[elninost0rm]

I think one of the problems here is the fact that she moved away. I think even if she manages to break free, she'll feel obligated to stay due to lack of choice, etc. I'm not saying that this is certain but it's just another weighing down factor.

[2square4u]

It bothered him that I added the male co-worker, since it is a local person who he doesn't know and therefore doesn't trust.That was a signal that you're supposed to start running. Immediately.

[lindsaybluth]

As usual, the sanest and most sound advice is from pbbth.

I do feel awful for your ruined birthday, OP. Here's to hoping next one is better :)

[PunditLisa]

There's nothing there about her being disappointed she didn't get all her presents on her actual birthday; conversely there's a whole hell of a lot of evidence that this fellow doesn't actually love her.

So, yeah. My birthday. No cards (nothing from my family came in the mail for me today), nothing to open, no cake, no dinner.

Even though the boyfriend's behavior over the FB posting is the biggest issue, the issue that she came to complain about -- that she didn't get presents or cards or dinner on her actual birthday -- is rather silly. She talked to her mother and sister on the phone, and presumably got verbal birthday wishes. She got birthday wishes via FB. She already opened up several presents from her boyfriend, including a baseball game. All that seems like a reasonable amount of attention to get on one's birthday.

[Olentzero]

Because of the fight sparked by an irrationally jealous boyfriend over a Facebook posting. OK, she had no control over the Post Office getting cards to her on time, but the lack of dinner and fuss on her actual birthday was the result of someone else spoiling it and frankly, I think she's got a good basis for complaining even about that.

[RickJay]

Oh, no. That isn't what happened. I can relate this the long way, pull up a chair.

On Friday, I got friend requests from two co-workers, one male, one female. I accepted both and figured that it would be a good way to know interesting things going on around town, beings that I'm new to the area. It bothered him that I added the male co-worker, since it is a local person who he doesn't know and therefore doesn't trust.
Klaxon alarms are ringing in my ears.

Really, really loud ones.

He doesn't want you adding male co-workers to your friends list until he knows and approves of them? Oh, sister, you got problems.

[salinqmind]

Even though the boyfriend's behavior over the FB posting is the biggest issue, the issue that she came to complain about -- that she didn't get presents or cards or dinner on her actual birthday -- is rather silly. She talked to her mother and sister on the phone, and presumably got verbal birthday wishes. She got birthday wishes via FB. She already opened up several presents from her boyfriend, including a baseball game. All that seems like a reasonable amount of attention to get on one's birthday.

For someone mature, yes. For someone still into presents n' cake n' birthday parties...no.

[Meggroll]

Okay, I'm not currently home. I'm sitting in a Starbucks online, dealing with BoyfriendDrama. I don't really want to get into it right now, but we can leave it at, this all really sucks. Thank you for all the advice though. It's really very much appreciated.

But I'd like to just say that I wasn't having a spoiled fit about "Waaaa, I didn't get ponies and a party!" I just wanted a happy birthday with smiles, not crying. I also wanted to whine a little about it where no one knew me. It's hard to talk about this kind of thing when you know people and feel like they are judging you for what's going on in your personal life. That kind of impression is hard to shake.

At least by sharing on here, I can't be forever and ever associated as, "Meg who wanted a nice birthday and then got crabby because she didn't!"

[Alice The Goon]

But I'd like to just say that I wasn't having a spoiled fit about "Waaaa, I didn't get ponies and a party!" I just wanted a happy birthday with smiles, not crying. I also wanted to whine a little about it where no one knew me.



I know, and most people here aren't even thinking that- there's always going to be a couple of empathy-challenged grumps to point that out, but most of us feel for you for not having a nice birthday. Which I think everyone deserves.

So, what about your boyfriend? What's going on with that? Do you see the red flags? Sorry, I'm nosy!:o

[Cat Whisperer]

I'm torn here - pbbth is saying very good things, and no, we can't tell anything really from a couple of things posted on the internet. Just know that your boyfriend is acting badly with the unreasonable jealousy (my ex once started a fight with me because he saw my first name with another man's name in some graffiti on a bridge - does that sound normal to you?) - it's not flattering or a sign of true love, but a sign of insecurity. This is something for the two of you to work on, and it sure doesn't sound like it's all your fault.

On the plus side, once you've dated someone like that, you can learn some really good lessons about what you WON'T put up with in the future. :)

ETA: Where the heck are my manners? Happy Birthday! :D

[Rocketeer]

How ever did we get our daily dose of drama before Facebook came along? :rolleyes:

[TruCelt]

Okay, I'm not currently home. I'm sitting in a Starbucks online, dealing with BoyfriendDrama. I don't really want to get into it right now, but we can leave it at, this all really sucks. Thank you for all the advice though. It's really very much appreciated.

But I'd like to just say that I wasn't having a spoiled fit about "Waaaa, I didn't get ponies and a party!" I just wanted a happy birthday with smiles, not crying. I also wanted to whine a little about it where no one knew me. It's hard to talk about this kind of thing when you know people and feel like they are judging you for what's going on in your personal life. That kind of impression is hard to shake.

At least by sharing on here, I can't be forever and ever associated as, "Meg who wanted a nice birthday and then got crabby because she didn't!"

I've been worried that he would see this thread and get angry. Is that it?

[FrancisCastle]

Happy Belated Birthday!

I understand EXACTLY what you are talking about. You could have been describing a day in my life. I hope today is a better day. :)

[Meggroll]

I've been worried that he would see this thread and get angry. Is that it?

I'm not worried about that. While I know that he wouldn't be happy about me putting too much of this relationship business online, I have been trying to be as Fair and Unbalanced (thank you, Fox News) as possible. I really don't think I can be faulted for writing about my feelings, even if they aren't all sugarplum fairies.

[Glory]

Well, I didn't think you could be faulted for someone wishing you happy birthday on FB or glancing at men (who you know, are everywhere and often annoyingly wander into line of sight).

[lindsaybluth]

(my ex once started a fight with me because he saw my first name with another man's name in some graffiti on a bridge - does that sound normal to you?)

Off topic, but it sounds like we really need some "Share your crazy but hilarious ex stories". Not sad ones, like "he was an alcoholic" or "she slept with people behind my back" but downright funny ones, like that.

I once had an ex's parents "accidentally" run into me so they could check me out.

Moving on...

[lavenderviolet]

Have to agree with the consensus here that your boyfriend sounds like he is just a touch of the totally fucking insane.
My boyfriend doesn't get to tell me who I can be friends with on facebook. If he did I would throw him out on his ear. I also think it is pretty jerkish for him to spoil your birthday with a stupid childish hissy fit over facebook. It's very inconsiderate to be so focused on himself on your big day.

My boyfriend actually does have a friend from back home who has made some pitiful attempts to hit on him on facebook and I find it funny - because I know it's not a threat to our relationship, and if he did have the poor judgement to leave me for that hag, well good riddance because I could find someone just as good or better. Secure, awesome people don't go into these petty jealous rages. This is a good indicator you're dealing with an immature asshole.

[Cat Whisperer]

<snip>. Secure, awesome people don't go into these petty jealous rages. This is a good indicator you're dealing with an immature asshole.
That's kind of the bottom line. If you're 26, I'll assume he's of a similar age - he's far too old to be doing this grade school shit.

[TruCelt]

That's kind of the bottom line. If you're 26, I'll assume he's of a similar age - he's far too old to be doing this grade school shit.

and if giving up your home and your family and moving a thousand miles away for him isn't enough to assuage his insecurity, nothing you can do will ever be enough. He will continue to feel this way, and continue to look for reasons why it's your fault, and it will only get worse no matter how far you twist yourself out of shape for him.

[jsgoddess]

I'm a person who doesn't expect much of a big deal on my birthday, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't say "We're having this stupid fight? On my birthday? This SUCKS!" This past year I was barfy sick on my birthday. It sucked! GAH!

But that's just one of those straw on a camel things. The bigger issue is definitely one of trust and respect within your relationship. We can't expect everyone to be 100% secure and free of any and all jealousies 100% of the time, of course. But when I see that I'm being jealous or insecure, that's my deal. I should talk to my partner about what I'm feeling, but that doesn't make it his responsibility to make me secure. Sure, some partners seem determined to make their alleged loved ones less secure, but for the most part, we're all responsible for our own happiness and we need to find ways of controlling our worst impulses lest we end up manipulating or controlling others in the name of our comfort.

[mookieblaylock]

Well, at least people remember your birthday at all. My birthday has become so insignificant that I can barely remember when it is at all.

[MPB in Salt Lake]

Well, at least people remember your birthday at all. My birthday has become so insignificant that I can barely remember when it is at all.

:rolleyes:

[mookieblaylock]

:rolleyes:

I saw the laughing icon. Hey no worries, that's how everyone else reacts...

[lindsaybluth]

Go throw yourself a pity party elsewhere. Jesus.

[Bob Ducca]

I'm surprised no one has come in to threadshit with the "No one over the age of 10 should expect anyone to make a fuss over his/her birthday" comment. (Or maybe I just haven't read the whole thread carefully enough.)

Anyhoo, fuck that notion. No matter the reason, having your birthday go unacknowledged just flat-out sucks. I'm with Alice. I'd have brought you a cake, too.

I won't threadshit, but I'll let Patton Oswalt (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJnCHy0p6n4) do it.

I agree with the poster that said the coworkers FB post was NOT flirting, and even if it was - so what? A little flirting is not the same as hitting on someone or coming onto them.

I'm not excusing your BF's controlling behavior AT ALL (he sounds like a creep who should be dumped asap) but I'm curious about one thing. When you say that you went inside to show your boyfriend the FB post, how did you frame it? I ask because it sounds like you said, "Hey look, this guy at work is hitting on me?" in which case, please get over yourself a LITTLE bit. Sometimes people are just a little over the top w/ their friendliness and don't need to be accused of hitting on you. I know a girl like this who claims that any person who is even the slightest bit friendly with her is hitting on her, including women (who obviously must be lesbians). Taking things like this the wrong way strikes me as immature... doubly so when combined w/ whining about a 26th birthday.

In any case, at least you have a shoulder to cry on at work.

[twickster]

Well, at least people remember your birthday at all. My birthday has become so insignificant that I can barely remember when it is at all.
mookie, enough. I hereby direct you to stop coming into other people's threads and making remarks about your depression. You have a thread going on this topic, talk about it there.

This is a specific, direct moderator instruction and you risk getting a warning every single time you ignore it in this forum (MPSIMS) or in any other.

Good work! You have succeeded in using up all of the very genuine sympathy and empathy I had for you. Guess that proves something about you as a person -- in your own mind, at least. Others would see it as being about your actions: those you take and those you don't.

twickster, MPSIMS moderator.

[handsomeharry]

I think bf is a piece of crap.
Any so-called man who isn't in the room, kissing his gf's butt when she's crying on her birthday can't be left soon enough. And, if he's the one who caused it, it's ten times worse. Ditch this loser now.

Best wishes,
hh

[Joe Kerrman]

What Handsome Harry said.

And please, please, please, friend every man you meet on Facebook. And start doing stuff by yourself. And meet your co-workers for dinner after work. And stop worrying about pleasing this guy.

There is so much :eek::eek::eek: in what you type.

And listen to these people ... Meggroll, you said:

It's hard to talk about this kind of thing when you know people and feel like they are judging you for what's going on in your personal life.

I imagine that's the family back in, where was it, New Jersey? I think maybe they have your best interests at heart.

I have two daughters (and two sons, but I venture a guess they'll be OK) and I would NEVER, EVER, EVER want to have them tell me about a birthday like this. If they did, I'd fly to Phoenix and gather them up myself.

And that's no joke.


JK

[LurkerInNJ]

It bothered him that I added the male co-worker, since it is a local person who he doesn't know and therefore doesn't trust. I said that I didn't mean to make him uncomfortable, and offered to unfriend, as I honestly don't care about Facebook friends that much. This couples in with him seeing that I look at other men a bit too long. I don't think that I do, and don't think that I notice other guys when we're out anyway, but if he's so bothered by it I am willing to examine my actions and see if that's happening.

Anyway. He was already uncomfortable with this add, and he said I should have let him know I was going to add a male from the area to my friends. I said okay, I'll communicate better in the future. Today, I got home from work, and while calling my mom I check my Facebook. This is before we were going to go out, since NJ is two hours ahead of AZ. I see the comment, as well as getting vaguely hit on in Facebook chat by this guy. After the phone conversations, I went back in the house, and showed that this went on to my boyfriend, trying to communicate like I said I would, before de-friending the vaguely creepy guy.

He's waving a red flag and you respond by waving a white flag.

If you were my daughter or my sister or my best friend, I would have your stuff packed and in the car getting far far away from this guy in under 5 minutes.

No matter what excuses you are tempted to make for this guy, don't. He's no good.

[anya marie]

Happy birthday!!!!


I don't like what this guy did at all, if he isn't abusive then he is at least a douchelord and an asshole.

[Dolly Madison]

That's kind of the bottom line. If you're 26, I'll assume he's of a similar age - he's far too old to be doing this grade school shit.

Sadly, immaturity knows no age. I know of 60+ people who act like this. :(

[Meggroll]

An update, because I hate reading threads when the OP never comes back:

Things are better now, and we ended up having a long talk about insecurities and how we can handle things better in the future. We ended up having a kind of "substitute birthday" yesterday, because my cards came in the mail and he gave me the little present (which turned out to be a remote for my camera, which is pretty awesome).

Thank you everybody for your advice and your birthday wishes!

[Cat Whisperer]

Sadly, immaturity knows no age. I know of 60+ people who act like this. :(
True enough. You get a bit of a pass for it in grade school because you're still actually a kid.

Meggroll, I wish you and your boyfriend the best for the future. I sincerely hope he realizes that insecurity and jealousy will push you away faster than just about anything.

[Dung Beetle]

God, I love a poster who updates. Feel free to stick around and ask us for advice anytime, Megg. :)

[Cat Whisperer]

Also, his insecurity and jealousy is HIS problem, for him to find a way to deal with. Unless you're actually running around with other guys, you aren't doing anything wrong. You're allowed to have guy friends and friend them on Facebook and even see them socially sometimes.

And I too love an updater. :)

[Alice The Goon]

Abuse usually occurs in cycles, so this update is perfectly understandable. Look up "honeymoon phase" and then after that, look up "denial", because you're in both of them right now.

[Asimovian]

An update, because I hate reading threads when the OP never comes back:Since I'm of the same mindset, I wanted to note my appreciation for you coming back.

Good luck to you.

[handsomeharry]

Since I'm of the same mindset, I wanted to note my appreciation for you coming back.

Good luck to you.

Definitely.
And, definitely twice to what Alice the Goon wrote 2 posts up. '

Best wishes,
hh

[BigT]

Abuse usually occurs in cycles, so this update is perfectly understandable. Look up "honeymoon phase" and then after that, look up "denial", because you're in both of them right now.

You know, posts like this aren't necessarily as helpful as you would think. To me, they read more like insurance so you can say "I told you so" than genuine concern. It is far better to say you are hopeful that the guy will change, but to be careful and on the lookout to make sure, and then give those links.

I know that, when I've been in denial, it isn't the people yelling a contrary view at me that convinced me, but the people who encouraged me to entertain the possibility that things were not as they seemed.

If anything, a post like yours would have made me defensive, clinging more closely to my false belief, rather than having a healthy amount of skepticism. I hope the OP is not like me.

(And, no, I will not say with 100% certainty that the relationship mentioned in the OP cannot work out. I'd just encourage her to wary. I know I would give my partner a chance after telling him about behavior I found objectionable, and I know that, in the BF's position, I'd try to change.)

[sandra_nz]

Things are better now, and we ended up having a long talk about insecurities and how we can handle things better in the future. We ended up having a kind of "substitute birthday" yesterday, because my cards came in the mail and he gave me the little present (which turned out to be a remote for my camera, which is pretty awesome).

Thank you everybody for your advice and your birthday wishes!

Here's an extra wish: HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!!!

Glad to hear you're talking things through with your boyfriend! Like many others, I was concerned when I read your OP and follow up posts.

[Alice The Goon]

You know, posts like this aren't necessarily as helpful as you would think. To me, they read more like insurance so you can say "I told you so" than genuine concern. It is far better to say you are hopeful that the guy will change, but to be careful and on the lookout to make sure, and then give those links.


To think or give someone else hope that somebody is going to change is useless and even destructive. In the real world, people don't change much, especially insecure, jealous bullies. This is a man, and I use that word loosely here, who bullied and degraded his girlfriend, on her birthday no less, and punished her in a juvenile and emotionally abusive manner. Now that she has "paid", he is being nice to her- of course he is, so that he can set her up for next time she needs to pay for whatever behavior he deems has wronged him somehow. It doesn't stop, it just goes in cycles. You can coddle the OP with "it'll all work out somehow, all you need is love", but I prefer to be honest with her. Thanks, though.

[Sailboat]

It's a good point that a single incident does not a person make. I agree there's a chance this doesn't mean the boyfriend is a villain you should flee from.

A very small chance, but it can't be ruled out from here


It bothered him that I added the male co-worker, since -- the rest doesn't matter; there's no appropriate reason for this to "bother" a healthy person, unless maybe it's something extreme like "since the male co-worker was standing behind me with a raised knife."

[Mtgman]

Controlling relationships often include alternating patterns of good and bad. Lots of presents, making room in his life for you when you move cross country, etc. are the upside. The downside is the jealousy and isolation. When people show you who they are, your job is to see.

I say this as someone who dropped everything and helped a friend leave a emotionally abusive boyfriend. She was ready to marry him about a year prior to the call. The last year of their relationship was a rollercoaster and I told her repeatedly that I was just a phone call away and my family and I would be there to help her move out within an hour. As it turns out my wife and daughter were in the neighborhood when I got the call and arrived within minutes of me relaying the message. Then I arrived with our truck, dolly, furniture tie-downs, and extra hands about an hour later and we got her out within a couple hours.

If he won't let you make friends with people who might choose you over him, as I did for her, although I got along fine with him for the most part, that's a pretty big red flag.

Enjoy,
Steven

[handsomeharry]

You know, posts like this aren't necessarily as helpful as you would think. To me, they read more like insurance so you can say "I told you so" than genuine concern. It is far better to say you are hopeful that the guy will change, but to be careful and on the lookout to make sure, and then give those links.

I know that, when I've been in denial, it isn't the people yelling a contrary view at me that convinced me, but the people who encouraged me to entertain the possibility that things were not as they seemed.

If anything, a post like yours would have made me defensive, clinging more closely to my false belief, rather than having a healthy amount of skepticism. I hope the OP is not like me.

(And, no, I will not say with 100% certainty that the relationship mentioned in the OP cannot work out. I'd just encourage her to wary. I know I would give my partner a chance after telling him about behavior I found objectionable, and I know that, in the BF's position, I'd try to change.)

I think that the girl is already clinging to a false belief, and nothing less than what AtG said will change her beliefs. I also believe, sadly, that the girl is madder than a hatter to believe that their heart-to-heart, with him promising yada yada will have any effect, except to lock her into the horrible pattern into which she has fallen. There must be a significant change in world view for him to change, and, he hasn't had it. Everything that they have done, after the birthday, is 100% modus operandi for an abuser such as himself. AtG gave the girl the best possible answer. And, your implying that Alice was yelling, unless I missed something, is misguided. In this case, also, yelling or suggesting/encouraging will have no effect. The girl has already enabled the jerk beyond standard expectations of such a pathology.
Also, AtG was giving her some really primo advice on what to look out for.
sigh. We hope well for the girl, but, she is going down the wrong path. I think that this one will require more than words from a message board, even this one, before she gets straight in this matter.

Best wishes,
hh