So I've been "indicted"....(sorta)

[Oakminster]

Perhaps my fellow Dopers can offer some legal or other advice. I have reason to believe I could be served with appropriate papers shortly. I expect them to read something like this:


"We, the duly sworn Grand Jury of an Undisclosed County and State, having considered the evidence presented, do hereby find that there is probable cause to believe that two adult citizens known as Oakminster and The Druidess have willfully and deliberately entered into a Conspiracy to Commit Matrimony in the First Degree on or about the 31st day of December, 2010, within the above and unsaid County and State, a crime against the peace and dignity of all middle aged curmudgeonly bachelors and sweet woodland nymphs, and we hereby so charge.

Returned, a True Bill, this the 2nd day of January, 2011.

Signed,

Grand Jury Foreman.

<seal>"

I'm afraid I have no choice but to enter a plea of guilty, and request a sentence of Life without Parole.


:D:D:D:cool::):confused::eek::D:D


Never thought this would happen for me.

<wanders off, vaguely humming "Going to the Chapel"....badly.>

<Hmmm....wonder if that thing about the benefit of being the groom is that weddings plan themselves is true? I just have to show up reasonably sober?>


Yup...I am really engaged. Yee Haw!

[WhyNot]

Throw the book at 'em! :D

Congratulations, y'all! And yes, you do have to show up reasonably sober, I believe. You may also have to provide "input" into favors, flowers, dresses and the such, for which the appropriate format is, "That's lovely, dear. I couldn't have picked a better [favor/flower/dress/bridesmaid] myself. What would I do without you?"

[rekkah]

You may also have to provide "input" into favors, flowers, dresses and the such, for which the appropriate format is, "That's lovely, dear. I couldn't have picked a better [favor/flower/dress/bridesmaid] myself. What would I do without you?"

If offered a choice, the responses "Whichever you think is best" or "I think they're both lovely" appear to be de rigeur. However, since I am not a wedding planner, and even if I was, not your wedding planner nor even necessarily licensed as a wedding planner in your state , please note that YMMV and I am not accountable if your bride hits you with a bouquet/table decorations/sample invitation after getting fed up of these responses.

ETA and of course, congratulations and good wishes for your life together!

[Ruby]

Guilty as charged and life without parole.

As for wedding planning, you have my deepest sympathy. There's nothing more annoying that stewing over the color "blush" or "light pink".

Seriously, may you both be blessed as I have been. Congrats!

[pudytat72]

The indictment gave the date of the matrimony as on or about the 31st day of December 2010. So that would indicate that it is a "done deal". Did you mean 2011 for the year?

[twickster]

The indictment gave the date of the matrimony as on or about the 31st day of December 2010. So that would indicate that it is a "done deal". Did you mean 2011 for the year?

"Conspiracy to commit matrimony" -- meaning the engagement, I gather.

Congrats!

[needscoffee]

The indictment gave the date of the matrimony as on or about the 31st day of December 2010. So that would indicate that it is a "done deal". Did you mean 2011 for the year?I think he means they entered into the conspiracy to commit said action on Dec. 31.

[Oakminster]

The indictment gave the date of the matrimony as on or about the 31st day of December 2010. So that would indicate that it is a "done deal". Did you mean 2011 for the year?

Nope, 12/31/2010 was the date the conspiracy was entered into. The matrimony will occur at the sentencing hearing, on a date to be determined.
:)

[Ann Onimous]

Congrats, Oakminster. You deserve all the happiness in the world. I wish you both that and more. :)

[norinew]

Speaking as a woman who has been married for 22 years, I can honestly say that, if you marry the right person (and I did, I did!), marriage is far and away the best thing you can do for yourself!

Congratulations and best of luck! I wish the two of you all possible happiness!

[Cheshire Human]

After the conviction, will you file for a Writ of Habeas Corpus? And do you suppose she has a chance to win on appeal?

[Oakminster]

Thanks, everyone. I'm a lucky dude.

Well, except for how The Druidess informs me that weddings do not plan themselves. And that variants of "whatever you like is fine with me" may carry severe consequences and/or repercussions.

Fortunately, she has accepted the universal law that wedding planning sessions may not be scheduled during any NFL playoff game, up to and including the Super Bowl, and especially not during any New Orleans Saints playoff games, as amended to exclude the Pro Bowl, since nobody cares about that farce anyway.

[Evil Captor]

Congratulations! Who says crime does not pay?

[Mr. Excellent]

Mazel tov! Many happy years of conspiratorial bliss to the both of you.

[Rick]

Congrats Okie!
May sure you tell your co-conspirator to expect several hundred very strange people from a place called the dope at the wedding. ;)

[phouka]

"Going to the Chapel?"

Pshaw. You should be humming "Get Me To The Church On Time!"

(Congratulations)

[Tom Tildrum]

There's still time to flee (http://kim.id.au/gallery/tijuanamexico/3b6f2800f9,m.jpg) the jurisdiction.

[Morgenstern]

Okay. Do what any sensible person would - run. To Mexico. Don't contact home, don't take your cell phone, don't use your credit cards or take your car.

[Skammer]

I hope they still let you play WoW in the pokey.

[Sailboat]

I'm ordering you charged and I'm ordering her held with unlimited appeal.

[Enderw24]

You know what they say: A good man could get a ham sandwich to marry him.

Here's hoping you bring home the bacon!

I'm not entirely certain what I've said above makes any sense. Um...I'll go get some more coffee.

[Really Not All That Bright]

You must have gotten her really drunk fi... wait, no, that's not right. Congratulations! Yeah, that's it. :)

[Projammer]

Is your passport in order?

I believe Haiti doesn't extradite.

Congrats!

[pravnik]

Congratulations!

[Skald the Rhymer]

Congratulations on no longer rolling alone, Oak!

[Shodan]

A word of advice - if you are offered the choice between helping with the wedding planning, and waterboarding, think carefully before you choose.

But congrats anyway.

Regards,
Shodan, who is serving the 29th of a life sentence with no time off for good behavior, but several appeals to get into her briefs.

[jsgoddess]

Marriage can be a great thing or a lousy thing. A lot depends on what you make of it.

May you always make the most of it, and may your days together be numerous and happy.

[Larry Borgia]

Congrats!

[Spoons]

I'm afraid I have no choice but to enter a plea of guilty, and request a sentence of Life without Parole.After a bit of research into the statute and case law of Undisclosed County and State, I feel confident in saying that while those jurisdictions do mandate life without parole in such situations, certain exemptions can be granted for good behaviour. These exemptions are limited in scope, however, and typically occur on Sundays during NFL season. ;)

Congratulations, and may you have a great life together!

[TruCelt]

Congratulations Oak!

[Lacunae Matata]

Congratulations! Marriage is a wonderful institution!

[shantih]

Congratulations to you both! I wish you much joy together, and a plethora of tolerance during the whole wedding-planning-thingy.

Ah, love ... :)

[Arnold Winkelried]

Congratulations. However I will remind you that it is never too late to assume a false identity and escape to Mexico.

[Arnold Winkelried]

Also, I'll give you for free my wedding reception idea, which was not implemented due to reasons beyond my control: backyard (or beach) barbeque where every guest gets their own roasting stick, and as many hot dogs, graham crackers, mashmallows and hershey's chocolate bars as you can eat. BYOB. (White Tie / Formal Attire optional.)

[Left Hand of Dorkness]

Congratulations!Well, except for how The Druidess informs me that weddings do not plan themselves. And that variants of "whatever you like is fine with me" may carry severe consequences and/or repercussions.
And here's my for-free wedding advice. Someone gave it to us, and it was the best goddamn thing about planning a wedding that I ever heard, and it saved our sanity. So I pass it along at every opportunity. Here it is:

People will remember one thing about your wedding. Two, or even three, if it's really memorable. So here's what you do. Think of two or three things that you want to be memorable about your wedding, and rock those things. (We chose food and location). Everything else, do the bare minimum you can do to make sure those things aren't memorable.

Wedding favors? Who gives a shit? Nobody remembers those. Don't do them. Your color theme? Fuck your color theme, nobody cares about your color theme. And so on. Unless you want people to remember your color theme, don't sweat it.

We said, "fuck it" a lot during the planning, with this advice in mind. Seriously, it's great.

[Acid Lamp]

Thanks, everyone. I'm a lucky dude.

Well, except for how The Druidess informs me that weddings do not plan themselves. And that variants of "whatever you like is fine with me" may carry severe consequences and/or repercussions.

Fortunately, she has accepted the universal law that wedding planning sessions may not be scheduled during any NFL playoff game, up to and including the Super Bowl, and especially not during any New Orleans Saints playoff games, as amended to exclude the Pro Bowl, since nobody cares about that farce anyway.

Congrats! As a recently married man myself I can offer this advice that served me in good stead.

When she says she wants your input, she DOES but not really. I asked my wife to provide me with three choices she liked equally well before asking me about what i thought in anything but the most general terms. This worked wonderfully. She got what she wanted and I didn't have to try to navigate through endless permutations of each option.

Also, DO WHAT YOU GUYS WANT. The wedding is for YOU. Enjoy it. Congrats again. :D

[Rysdad]

Congrats, Oak.

As for me, I've already had two strikes, and I sure as hell will never risk a third. I shouldn't worry, though since the act of me filling out a marriage license application would be prima facie evidence of non compos mentis. Or res ipsa loquitur. Or mica mica parva stella. Whatever.

Good luck to you. May you be LWOPed in that institution.

[missred]

Congratulations!

May you and the Druidess live happily ever after!

[fuzzypickles]

Poor bastard...doomed, you are doomed.

(On a more positive note): Congrats, and best wishes to you both!!!

[kopek]

I got the same conviction back in 1977 and I often think ------- any other charge, any other institution, and I'd at least have freakin parole by now if not out free and clear!

Congrats!

[BigT]

I'm very happy for you. When I read that, I started smiling ear to ear. So I mean it literally.

[Bricker]

The indictment gave the date of the matrimony as on or about the 31st day of December 2010. So that would indicate that it is a "done deal". Did you mean 2011 for the year?

The offense of conspiracy is complete when the agreement is reached.

[Antigen]

Congrats!
My two cents: the invitations should be written like the OP. :D

[Oakminster]

Congratulations!
And here's my for-free wedding advice. Someone gave it to us, and it was the best goddamn thing about planning a wedding that I ever heard, and it saved our sanity. So I pass it along at every opportunity. Here it is:

People will remember one thing about your wedding. Two, or even three, if it's really memorable. So here's what you do. Think of two or three things that you want to be memorable about your wedding, and rock those things. (We chose food and location). Everything else, do the bare minimum you can do to make sure those things aren't memorable.

Wedding favors? Who gives a shit? Nobody remembers those. Don't do them. Your color theme? Fuck your color theme, nobody cares about your color theme. And so on. Unless you want people to remember your color theme, don't sweat it.

We said, "fuck it" a lot during the planning, with this advice in mind. Seriously, it's great.

I like this so much I'm forwarding it to The Druidess for her consideration. Thanks.


And thanks again to everyone posting well wishes and congratulations. Much appreciated.

[TruCelt]

The best wedding favor I ever got was when a couple had digital cameras on each table. They hired a local high school kid to spend the evening taking snaps, colelctign the ones taken by the table amtes, and loading them onto CDs. As each couple left ( or with the thank you notes for those who left early) a CD of the snaps was provided.

This was of course completely separate from the actual formal wedding photography, and actually cost them very little. The cheap digital cameras were then donated to the high school their local high school.

[butler1850]

My advice is simple, and follows below:

If she's happy, you have a chance of being happy. If she's not happy, you will NOT be happy.

The correct answer to nearly everything is either "Yes dear." or "You're right." Preferably said without any attitude.

Learn which fights you really want to have, and say "Fuck it" to the other issues.

Be silly at least once a day. I prefer extreme gropage as my primary silly expression to my wife... and if it progresses, that's all the better.

[Bookkeeper]

Note that in many jurisdictions, continued good behavior on the part of the prisoner will result in the sentence being served in a minimum security facility, with regular conjugal visits and frequent day parole.

One of the advantages of choosing a bride who had been previously married is that she had already gotten the wedding planning out of her system and just wanted a JP and backyard BBQ.

And to repeat the advice already proffered by others: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.