What should she do?

[Rick]

I have a friend (female) who suspected her boyfriend was willing to cheat on her. She had a friend come on to him online and he said yes.
She proceeded to kick him to the curb.
She told me she found out he as a plenty of fish account, which she looked at (after all of this went down) and found he had been chatting with several other women.
She asked me if I thought it would be a good idea to warn the other women of where he has been on those "quiet weekends alone" over the last 6 months.
Here is our chat exchange:
Her He should also be grateful I don't hack into his plenty of fish, and advise all of the other women he's been chatting with for the last few months exactly how he's been spending those "quiet weekends"
Sorry- I'm livid.
Me I can tell. That is why I thought you might want to chat a bit
Her Would it be wrong of me, or childish of me, to let the other women know? Part of me thinks that sisters gotta stick together, part of me thinks that's too highschool-ish
maybe I'll just scrub the toilet bowl with his toothbrush before I send it back to him :):)
Me Interesting. I have never considered this issue.
Her it's a pickle!

So what says the dope? Which is the high road? Tell the others, or shut the fuck up?

[BigT]

I have no problem with telling other people, but not via hacking his account. And I'm not sure what other way there is of warning people on POF. Is there a forum they might use for that sort of thing.

I think the childish thing would be the toothbrush thing, since that is passive aggressive as all get out. But I assume that was the intent of the joke.

I don't like the idea of calling it "sticking up for your sisters," as you aren't doing it because you are female. You're doing it because you want to save any of his potential mates from learning about it the hard way, and providing a natural consequence for an act that you consider immoral, so he might be less likely to commit the act in the future.

It's more a matter of doing a little bit to make the world a better place.

[Joey P]

This is tough. There's a lot of married/dating guys who do the online dating thing that aren't cheating (in the normal sense of cheating). Some do it to mess with people online, some do it because they like flirting, some do it to fill something they aren't getting from their SO, some do it for no reason other then to boost their ego (I still got it!). But they have no intention of ever doing anything beyond messaging the back and forth with their 'potential matches.'
The big question is, was he actually going to or has he in the past, cheated on her or was it strictly an online thing. And if it is strictly online, is that something that she can get past if he gives up? Work around if he doesn't? Fill in the void if that's the problem?

But that's not the question. The question is, what should she do about the people that he was talking to. I say, just drop it. Deep down inside (and even she might not know this yet if the wounds are still fresh) more then likely, she's not 'warning them' she attempting to sabotage his relationship with them.
Also, the sooner she let's this go, the sooner she'll start the healing process. This will just drag it out. Even just sending out a quick message to each of them has the potential of creating a connection with them that may mean it'll take longer before she can start getting over it.

If she doesn't know the password to his POF account, I'd say the best thing she could do is to clear the browser cache so she can't do anything about it even if she wants to. OTOH, if she's just looking for someone to agree with her that it's a good idea and she's going to do it sooner or later, then she might as well get it over with. A quick "BTW, this is Jim's GIRLFRIEND, he's a cheating POS, just wanted to let you know " might help her blow off some steam. I'd stay away from something long and drawn out. One pissed off sentence is plenty.

But again, like I said, a lot of guys poke around on these sites just to stroke their ego. Kind of like flirting. Go out to the bar, flirt with some cute girls/guys, get your engine revved up, but your still go home with your SO. I've heard some relationship therapists say that extra-marital flirting can be a great sex-life booster (provided it's agreed upon by both people in the relationship.
If this has been a long term relationship she might want to explore that option before she kicks him out for cheating.

[Lobot]

She definitely should not do this. If anything, it'll make her look obsessed, and he'll be able to use the whole "my psycho ex" routine. IOW, it'll be counterproductive.

[Otara]

If he is just 'flirting online' then no real damage will be cause by posting something - he'll just make another account and start over.

If he isnt, then whoever he's also currently messing around will get a headsup.

But there is the tricky bit that hacking his account could cause real problems for her like that guy who got charged for finding out his wife for cheating.

http://www.indyposted.com/145430/man-charged-for-hacking-in-to-wifes-email-account/

Chances are low, but deliberately posting something on it as opposed to passively accessing it might not be too smart as a provocation.

Otara

[Silver Fire]

You're doing it because you want to save any of his potential mates from learning about it the hard way
I doubt that would be the case for most women. Most women aren't like "Oh, those poor dears, I hope this never happens to them!" Most women would more likely be hoping that, by revealing him to be a cheating ass, it would turn her off thus making him alone and miserable. What most women don't realize is that most other women don't care much if he cheated on YOU because YOU are not THEM and he would never cheat on THEM because they obviously lack whatever horribly negative quality you possess which made him cheat on you in the first place. :rolleyes: IMO, anyway. I know a lot of really ridiculous women.

Dumb.

It's stupid and not helpful for her. Anything beyond her is not her responsibility so, regardless of her true motives, no, she shouldn't do it. Move on.

[Autolycus]

No, don't do it.

[LSLGuy]

She's simply seeking revenge, even if the rational part of her head says there's another reason.

Two jerky moves (cheating & revenging) put together don't add up to sweetness & light. So she shouldn't do it.




And my advice is given while setting aside totally the question of whether what the guy did amounts to "cheating" by any standards other than that of the woman who's now plotting revenge. We have no reason a priori to believe the guy was doing anything untypical for that stage in their relationship. Were they engaged, or was this after just 3 dates spread over 2 months? We don't know. Rick may have more details he can share.


ETA: Several posts above mine just appeared when I posted, so I didn't start out to write quite the pile-on this is becoming.

[Munch]

No, she should not do that. It was bad enough that she had a friend flirt with him. Those sort of bullshit relationship games are a terrible habit to get into.

[Anaamika]

No, don't do it. She should count herself lucky she found out quick, and just move on with her life. The best revenge is living well.

[Really Not All That Bright]

No. Move on.

[Leaffan]

No.

[overlyverbose]

Whatever she's telling herself, her proposed actions sound like simple revenge. "Sticking up for her sisters?" Please. Regardless of how she goes about it, she's going to look either nutty (hacking into his account isn't exactly normal) or jealous. It's just not worth it.

And what exactly does she hope to accomplish with the toothbrush thing? So she does it, sends it back and... What? He uses it, then she tells him afterward? So he has a moment of, "Oh, crap!" Then he gets a new toothbrush. And has yet more fuel for the fire. As an added bonus (to him), she looks really childish. And he has a legitimate gripe to post about her online.

[Acid Lamp]

No.

[purplehorseshoe]

hacking into his accout = childish, bordlerline "my psycho ex" and stepping over some serious boundaries

telling the other women = not coming from the motive she says.


OP, your friend won't want to hear this, but both sides of a couple contribute to every relationship problem. She needs to think about her input here - her communication with him, signs she missed/ignored, etc.

[Philster]

Moving on is healthy. The OP scenario (tattling, etc), wouldn't qualify as 'moving on'.

[Merneith]

I voted "Shut Up!" but I'm really thinking "Move on".

Also, getting your best friend to pretend to seduce your boyfriend to find out if he's cheating? When your situation starts to resemble a "Facts of Life" episode, it's time to reevaluate your life choices.

[Al Bundy]

I think she should ask herself why she attracts this type of guy in the first place. Then move on. I'm never going to buy the concept that she wants to help other women out. She only wants revenge, a fool's errand.

[PandaBear77]

No

[Stranger On A Train]

Does she like drama? Because that is all she is really going to get out of this. And as much as women often refer to each other as members of some kind of international sisterhood, they seem equally willing to undermine each other at any possible opportunity, leading me to suspect that her real goal isn't to protect any other women out there as much as simply spite back at him, which then leads to the conclusion that she really isn't done with him.

The mature thing to do is just walk away. This guy will meet his just deserts some day, and she really doesn't need to be around to absorb any collateral damage when it happens. In military terms, a smart forward observer calls out his shots far, far away from his position. Preferable over the horizon in someone else's domain, 'cause you never know when some asshole lazy bombardier is going to drop early or off-target.

Stranger

[thirdwarning]

So she set him up and dumped him, and now she wants to ruin any future relationships he might be in the process of developing? Sorry to say it, as I know she's a friend of yours, but she sounds like a real peach.
If he really was cheating on her, or seriously considering it, she's better off without him, and there's nothing to be gained by carrying on with more garbage. If he wasn't, she needs to leave him alone, and quit trying to screw him over.

Either way, she needs to grow the heck up and act like an adult. That way, she might just find that her next guy is a better one.

[BigT]

I doubt that would be the case for most women. Most women aren't like "Oh, those poor dears, I hope this never happens to them!" Most women would more likely be hoping that, by revealing him to be a cheating ass, it would turn her off thus making him alone and miserable. What most women don't realize is that most other women don't care much if he cheated on YOU because YOU are not THEM and he would never cheat on THEM because they obviously lack whatever horribly negative quality you possess which made him cheat on you in the first place. :rolleyes: IMO, anyway. I know a lot of really ridiculous women.

Dumb.

It's stupid and not helpful for her. Anything beyond her is not her responsibility so, regardless of her true motives, no, she shouldn't do it. Move on.

Actually, the fact that most other women wouldn't care is part of the reason I wouldn't have a problem outing him in the POF forums or something. If I actually thought it would ruin this guy's chances forever, I'd never recommend it.

And I defer to you guys who probably are a better judge of this woman, as no one has ever said something like that to me. Every time a girl has talked with me about a break up, she's just needed consoling or was hitting on me. They've never mentioned anything about telling other women.

I'm also pretty sure that they all told all their friends, who went about telling their friends, propagating throughout their entire friend network. That is why I didn't see it as such a big deal as the rest of you guys.

[Jaledin]

Not something I would do, nor would I hope anyone I knew personally, but I say "why not"? I don't have a problem with her getting some nice, harmless revenge on some dirtbag.

This is a lot more harmless than some of the things I've fantasized about doing with exes, and it may make her feel better and get over some of the trauma she probably feels. I do hope she smartens up about her romantic choices, though -- falling for some POS, if it's a pattern, can't be a good way to go through life.

[hogarth]

I'm not a big believer in revenge. Now if you asked my wife...

[elbows]

No. She should grow up, this isn't junior high. Let it go, it's over, move on.

[EvilTOJ]

I doubt that would be the case for most women. Most women aren't like "Oh, those poor dears, I hope this never happens to them!" Most women would more likely be hoping that, by revealing him to be a cheating ass, it would turn her off thus making him alone and miserable. What most women don't realize is that most other women don't care much if he cheated on YOU because YOU are not THEM and he would never cheat on THEM because they obviously lack whatever horribly negative quality you possess which made him cheat on you in the first place. :rolleyes: IMO, anyway. I know a lot of really ridiculous women.


You said it better than how I was going to say it.

[msmith537]

1) Your friend is a psycho.

2) The women on Plenty of Fish look like the sort of women who would not be turned off by the sort of guy whose girlfriend just broke up with him for cheating on her.

3) Why are you, as a man, getting involved in her drama?

[RTFirefly]

It's one thing to warn someone you know of the track record of someone they're considering dating. You warn them because they're your friends. But going out of your way to warn total strangers that your ex is a schmuck - sorry, they'll just have to figure that out on their own.

[TriPolar]

Can;t respond to this until you post the complete life history of your friend, including all cases where she lied to people, led people on, cheated on boyfriends, flirted, etc.

Your post assumes this woman is a complete innocent. Life experience tells me that is unlikely.

[Blaster Master]

She should do nothing, and you should advise so, but otherwise stay out of it. And it's really simple to explain why. Besides the obvious that hacking into someone's account or stealing their password is straight up wrong. Imagine you got one of these warnings, what would you think? Chances are you'd be ignored or be perceived badly. It's one thing if she knew any of these people, otherwise, any warnings she gives are just from some random stranger.

And, really, it's the responsibility of other people to learn their lessons themselves. If they're willing to overlook those "quiet weekends", and probably countless other things that ought to cause distrust, you're not saving them anything.

Worst of all, it has a high probability to backfire. If the ex finds out, what might he do? Who knows what one of those other women might do.

When you break up with someone, unless there's some complications (like kids) or it's one of the rare amicable break ups where you can stay friends, it's best just to straight cut off and let go.

[FrancisCastle]

I would really really want to tell those other women, but hopefully someone would talk me out of it. Revenge is rarely as sweet as you think it will be.

[jsgoddess]

Does she like drama?

I'll give you two guesses!

Seriously, her actions already point to someone who is all about the drama, to me.

[Cat Whisperer]

Move on.

[Misnomer]

She broke up with him. Nothing about him is any of her business anymore. She needs to grow up and STFU.

[lisalan]

What do you mean she needs to grow up. HE is the one that needs to grow up HE is the one who cheated on her. SHE should tell the other women what this ahole is up to.

[Misnomer]

What he did and whether he also needs to grow up are moot: she addressed all of that by breaking up with him. Being unable to leave it at that is immature. Sticking her nose in someone else's business is immature. Being self-righteous is immature. Being vindictive is immature. Assuming that she knows the nature of his relationship with anyone else is immature.

Anything he does post-breakup is none of her business. She needs to grow up and -- as many others have said -- move on.

[TriPolar]

What do you mean she needs to grow up. HE is the one that needs to grow up HE is the one who cheated on her. SHE should tell the other women what this ahole is up to.

I assume you know the details I asked about then. Please fill us in.


Can;t respond to this until you post the complete life history of your friend, including all cases where she lied to people, led people on, cheated on boyfriends, flirted, etc.

Your post assumes this woman is a complete innocent. Life experience tells me that is unlikely.