The silent treatment

[lisalan]

When you get into an argument with someone do you give them the silent treatment or do you try to have an adult conversation and work things out?
Do you think the silent treatment is emotional abuse? Why or why not?
Discuss.

[kayaker]

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[runner pat]

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[Alice The Goon]

I will not talk to someone if I think I can't say anything that's not abusive to them right at the moment, but I don't consider that "the silent treatment". That's just keeping my mouth shut until I can cool down and discuss things rationally. I definitely don't keep it up for days or anything. I know someone who's husband gave her the silent treatment for a solid year! I wouldn't be able to handle that!

[shiftless]

When someone gives me the option of a) have an ADULT conversation or b) anything else, I will choose anything else because the conversation is going to be anything but adult with that start.

Maybe if they said, "can we talk about it?" I would be receptive to breaking my silence.

[Anaamika]

My family used to give me silent treatments, sometimes for days. It's awful. It's like living in hell, and I go out of my way to not do it now, even if it means I have to swallow my pride and apologize.

Seriously, I can't even begin to decribe the sheer agony of not having your mother talk to you or even look at you for days on end, especially when your crime did not warrant it.

[shantih]

..............

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Best. Simulpost. Ever.



Yes, the silent treatment is emotional abuse. There's no justification for it.

Putting a delicate subject aside until it can be discussed rationally is not the silent treatment, as long as the people involved are otherwise talking and acknowledging each other's existence. But freezing people out completely? Abusive, immature, and cruel.

[Malthus]

I will not talk to someone if I think I can't say anything that's not abusive to them right at the moment, but I don't consider that "the silent treatment". That's just keeping my mouth shut until I can cool down and discuss things rationally. I definitely don't keep it up for days or anything. I know someone who's husband gave her the silent treatment for a solid year! I wouldn't be able to handle that!

How on earth did they stay married?

[Malthus]

Best. Simulpost. Ever.



Yes, the silent treatment is emotional abuse. There's no justification for it.

Putting a delicate subject aside until it can be discussed rationally is not the silent treatment, as long as the people involved are otherwise talking and acknowledging each other's existence. But freezing people out completely? Abusive, immature, and cruel.

I've never actually known any RL examples, though I've read about it being done.

[Chefguy]

Typical argument with my ex-wife:

She: You (pick any little fault you may think of) all the time.
Me: Reasonable answer as to why that's not true.
She: I don't wish to discuss it.
Me (to myself): then why the fuck did you bring it up?
Silence for two days minimum.

I got sick of that shit very quickly and resented it for a very long time.

Present spouse: we discuss things, so rarely have disagreements.

[Grapefruit]

It's kind of hard to talk to work things out when one person is silent; if they shut down, they shut down. There's a difference between "I'm not emotionally ready to talk about this right now and if you force me, I'll say something mean" silence, and "I'm not going to respond to anything you say, even you are just asking me if I want a glass of juice" silence.

Can't say I was ever subjected to the silent treatment beyond the age of 10 (by my sister, no less) but I remember working around that by just talking and talking and talking. (i.e. "Would [sister] like a glass of juice? I guess not since she's not responding. Why wouldn't she want a glass of juice? It's so sweet and delicious. Oh, maybe she has a salty tooth right now. I wonder if she'd like these peanuts here? etc.) Then, she'd say "Shut up already!" and I can then say "Ah ha! You talked to me. I guess the silent treatment is over."

But we were kids. I don't know if it'll work for adults who use this as a defense mechanism.

[Queen Tonya]

I like the sound of my own voice way too much to ever give someone the silent treatment. :D

Seriously, in an actual relationship, I'd consider it petty and pointless, possibly abusive. There are acquaintances, generally coworkers I don't interact with much, that I've decided aren't worth the headache of interacting with them, but it's not The Silent Treatment as much as I just don't go much beyond the briefest of polite nods and quickly find somewhere else to be.

I once worked with a guy who got really upset at a minor disagreement we had. I had no idea he was that worked up over things, since he was transferred to a different area a few days later. Years go by, and one day he apologized for that time he gave me the silent treatment and I was utterly nonplussed. Had no idea he'd been purposefully avoiding speaking to me, since we no longer directly interacted. What a waste of ire for him, which apparently lasted quite some time.

[Zyada]

I want to know what you mean by "the silent treatment". People here are assuming a certain type of interaction, and I don't know if I can assume that.

When my ex-husband and I would argue, I would regularly get to a point where I would stop talking. Why? Because I had gotten to the point where I realized that I could say nothing more to change the situation. Because I wanted to step back and consider the situation. Because when I get stressed, I get non-verbal. And because I knew that further argument would only be inciting further abuse, not better resolution.

And he would get angry at me for not talking, and I wouldn't be surprised if he called it giving him "the silent treatment".


So let me ask: what do you consider "the silent treatment"? And what are you expecting him to say? Are you putting up conversational roadblocks (http://books.google.com/books?id=MJPAoB22ugkC&lpg=PA26&ots=zS7E2EsHEm&dq=twelve%20conversational%20roadblocks&pg=PA17#v=onepage&q=twelve%20conversational%20roadblocks&f=false)?

[chizzuk]

My mom is master of what I'll call the "drive-by." We have an argument, things get heated, and then she makes some snappy remark and flounces off in a huff. Only that's not the end of it, because she'll come back 20 minutes later, after having stewed on it some more, to drop yet another bomb and then storm off before I have a chance to respond. It goes like this for awhile until I finally follow her, then we actually hash it out like adults. It's maddening. This is why I stick to e-mail and don't call my parents on the phone.

[PeskiPiksi]

I don't give the silent treatment, but I have been known to say, "Look, I can't talk about this right now. Give me thirty minutes to myself to cool off, and then we can talk about it. Otherwise I'm afraid I'll say something I'll regret." And then I don't speak again until I can be civil.

Drives my husband crazy, because he always wants to discuss things right away. I sometimes just can't do that.

But I don't leave him in the cold for long (a whole year!? Incredible!). Usually we'll have things resolved within an hour.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

I'm driven to work things out. I hate leaving things unresolved. I find it extremely frustrating if a person becomes non-verbal and won't speak or answer questions. It's just ramps me up all the more. Is it "abuse?" I don't know. I suppose it could be if it went on long enough. I just know I find it incredibly aggravating. It's definitely passive-aggressive. My wife does it sometimes, and it drives me nuts (she also does the drive-by thing, dropping a criticism and then saying she doesn't want to argue about it). Fortunately, she usually doesn't drag it out for too long (maybe hours, never days).

[The Hamster King]

The "Honey, is it okay if I pee in your underwear drawer?" treatment is usually an effective response to the silent treatment.

[jsgoddess]

There are definitely times I'll get very quiet. Generally, I'm not sulky; I'm scared.

[Autolycus]

I don't know if it qualifies as abuse unless it's chronic and intentional, but except in the cases of purposefully calming yourself down, I do think it's immature and a highly ineffective method of conflict resolution. I personally can't stand it and wouldn't put up with a friend or lover who repeatedly engages in such nonsense. Seriously, does anyone think the silent treatment is a good thing (in general, not in cases of 'omg if I open my mouth I'm gonna say something stupid/hurtful/crazy)?

[Wile E]

I will sometimes remain silent for a while in order to cool down and think out what I want to say.

I did once give my mother the silent treatment for a few weeks when I was in my twenties, but I had told her prior to her doing something that if she did that thing I would not speak to her again. She did what I asked her not to do so I did not speak to her for a while.

My dog is always giving me the "silent but deadly" treatment but that's not quite the same thing.

[WhyNot]

There are definitely times I'll get very quiet. Generally, I'm not sulky; I'm scared.

Yes!

I was raised in a Silent Treatment house, where you Did Not air negative emotions Ever. So when faced with unpleasantness, I'm terrified to talk about it, for fear, basically, that you will destroy me.

I hate arguments. I get physically ill when people I don't know and have nothing to do with are arguing at another table at the other side of the restaurant. I just know that somehow it's all my fault.

Yes, Dr. Freud, I know it has to do with my parents. And more specifically, about how they divorced after the only fight they ever had, and that it actually was caused by something I said (not the divorce, the argument). I get it, I really do. But understanding that intellectually doesn't mean the fear of abandonment or worse isn't there.

So...I don't know. I'm sure I've done what my ex would call "the silent treatment". But can I be said to be abusive when it's because I'm terrified? I'm not sure.

Whatever it is, it's not healthy, and I get that. But that marriage was so toxic by the end anyhow that I can't say it was the worst thing in it. And now I'm in a relationship where we talk, calmly, and it never gets to "a fight". That I can do.

[jsgoddess]

Yes!

I was raised in a Silent Treatment house, where you Did Not air negative emotions Ever. So when faced with unpleasantness, I'm terrified to talk about it, for fear, basically, that you will destroy me.

My experience wasn't exactly the same, but my dad was an alcoholic and there were times you just kept your head down. He was unpredictable (never physically violent) and so we would just get very quiet and try not to draw attention. One day, you're the BEST kid in the WORLD and the next day you are useless. Yeah, I've got some baggage!

There's an old saw about women marrying their fathers. The two men I've fallen in love with have been the opposite--very steadfast, not mercurial at all. It makes me feel so much more secure, but the stuff we learn in childhood runs incredibly deep.

[cuauhtemoc]

Sometimes a person gets hurt, and deep down they feel they deserve the pain, and don't have a right to talk about it, because they're convinced on a fundamental level that they're unlovable, and all that's left for them to do is suffer. In silence. It's very sad.

[phouka]

Scientific American Mind's latest issue has an article entitled "The Pain of Exclusion", discussing how the brain reacts to ostracism and shunning. From my point of view, the silent treatment is just a one-person variation on shunning.

In the article, Kipling D. Williams draws three conclusions, and I'll quote directly from the text:



Even brief episodes of ostracism involving strangers or people we dislike activate the brain's pain centers, incite sadness and anger, increase stress, lower self-esteem, and rob us of a sense of control.
We all feel the pain of ostracism about equally, no matter how tough or sensitive we are. Personality traits do, however, influence how well we cope.
Detecting ostracism quickly increases the likelihood that an individual can respond in such a way as to stay in a group and, literally or figuratively, survive the ordeal.



The part I can't get past is where social exclusion triggers the brain to perceive physical pain. I expect everyone remembers what that's like - gut twisting, throat clenching, wrenching pain. You don't belong. You are Other. There is something disgusting and wrong about you, and you'll do almost anything to fix it so you can belong again.

So, yes, I believe the silent treatment is a type of abuse. Considering that it can cause extreme stress and the consequences stress has on health, I consider it a type of emotional AND physical abuse. I doubt the person delivering the silent treatment has the intention of being that destructive, but that doesn't undo the damage.

[HazelNutCoffee]

Sometimes I clam up because I'm not sure how to express what I'm feeling in a way that doesn't sound totally irrational. I have a huge fear of conflict so if I think I can avoid an argument by keeping my mouth shut, I will. Sometimes this is a problem because I'm terrible at hiding my feelings, so it becomes this situation where I'm obviously upset but don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it because I believe my feelings are irrational and I'd rather just let them cool down and go away.

But I'd never purposefully not talk to my boyfriend as some kind of punishment - that's fucked up.

[seanchai]

"She: You (pick any little fault you may think of) all the time.
Me: Reasonable answer as to why that's not true.
She: I don't wish to discuss it.
...
Silence for two days minimum."

This seems to me to be a gander gap type of thing, you know? She's saying,
'This habit of yours bugs me' and he's saying, 'No, you're wrong,' which leaves
her feeling not listened to, and him feeling dumped on.

But I agree that the silent treatment is immature. In my house we always
debated the pros and cons of every difference of opinion - loudly and often
for hours. Nothing ever got resolved, of course.

I concur that 'time out' is the way to go, then discuss problems like adults. Be prepared to compromise. I won't tell you how many decades it took me to
learn HOW to fight!

an seanchai

[Chefguy]

"She: You (pick any little fault you may think of) all the time.
Me: Reasonable answer as to why that's not true.
She: I don't wish to discuss it.
...
Silence for two days minimum."

This seems to me to be a gander gap type of thing, you know? She's saying,
'This habit of yours bugs me' and he's saying, 'No, you're wrong,' which leaves
her feeling not listened to, and him feeling dumped on.

But I agree that the silent treatment is immature. In my house we always
debated the pros and cons of every difference of opinion - loudly and often
for hours. Nothing ever got resolved, of course.

I concur that 'time out' is the way to go, then discuss problems like adults. Be prepared to compromise. I won't tell you how many decades it took me to
learn HOW to fight!

an seanchai

If it was only about habits, that would be one thing, but this went on for many, many years about all manner of things. Example:

Me: We need to do something about our son's "Ds" in school.
She (with a smirk): What kind of grades did YOU get in school?
Me: I thought we were discussing our son, not me. If we're going to use a comparison, why don't we use YOU as the example (she was an honor roll student)?
She: I don't wish to discuss it.
Bitch. :mad:

[Markxxx]

As Vera Benett the "bad" warder said to "Top Dog" Bea Smith, in the classic Australian soap opera, Prisoner (Prisoner: Cell Block H)

And don't think not talking to me will bother me in the least. In fact, I can think of no greater pleasure than never having to hear your voice again

That is how I feel about the silent treatment. I probably wouldn't notice and if I did, I wouldn't care

[Vinyl Turnip]

Me: We need to do something about our son's "Ds" in school.
She (with a smirk): What kind of grades did YOU get in school?
Me: I thought we were discussing our son, not me. If we're going to use a comparison, why don't we use YOU as the example (she was an honor roll student)?
She: I don't wish to discuss it.
Bitch. :mad:

This would make an awesome puppet show.

[norinew]

I, too, would like to know how the OP defines 'Silent Treatment'. I don't do what I think of as the silent treatment, because I grew up with it, and I hated it. I'm 99.5% sure, in retrospect, that my mother was bipolar. But here's what would happen:
Me: Is it OK if I spend the night at Lynn's house tomorrow night?
Mom: Fine.
Me: (Wonders, does she mean "fine, as in, that would be OK" or "fine, as in, I don't want you to, but do it anyway, and then I won't speak to you for two days afterward")

So I go do whatever I'm going to do. With my Mom, when you got the silent treatment, all you knew was that you had to apologize. It didn't even matter if you knew what you were apologizing for. As long as you acknowledged that everything wrong was your fault.

Now, in adulthood, I will tell my husband "I can't discuss this calmly right now, so I'm going to go in the bedroom a while and calm down". But that's not what I think of as giving him the silent treatment.

In accordance with the way I was raised, the silent treatment is abusive and manipulative. I won't play that way.

[EvilTOJ]

Oh man with the kids' mom I could only WISH for the silent treatment! It was really the only thing she didn't do that was manipulative and emotionally abusive.

[sandra_nz]

Sometimes I will tell my husband that I need some time alone to think about things or just calm down. That's not the silent treatment though, and it generally only lasts an hour or so, then I will go back and say, 'Can we talk?' and we'll talk.

Yes, I do think the silent treatment can be emotionally abusive.

[Who_me?]

The silent treatment isn't emotional abuse, it's just stupid. When in the past I've gotten the silent treatment, I just ignore it and go about my business. When the other person doesn't see me agonizing over not being talked to, they usually give it up as a bad idea.

[Jennyrosity]

My husband and I have struggled with this for years, and have only recently found a way of dealing with it. He hates conflict, in any form, and his way of dealing with it was just to shut down and refuse to acknowledge it was happening. I, on the other hand, come from a long line of quick-tempered people who will get angry and shout at the slightest provaction. He found my behaviour deeply distressing, while I found his refusal to engage with me and to ignore the problem really hurtful - like whatever was bothering me wasn't worthy of his consideration.

So for a while I reacted by emulating him, and just trying to repress everything and pretend it wasn't happening. This wasn't any better, as I could only do that for so long before blowing up - usually with something inconsequential as a trigger. As you might imagine, this left him completely confused, as he didn't realise it was the result of weeks, sometimes months, of repressed grievances.

We've worked through that and now both try to raise and confront difficult issues, but to do so calmly and without attaching blame. Sometimes these discussions will get difficult enough that I have to just shut up and leave the room before I lose my temper, but I always return to the discussion once I've calmed down, so I see that more as a time-out than the silent treatment.

I've only ever deliberately subjected someone to the silent treatment, and that was my mother during the run-up to my wedding. Normally a lovely woman whom I adore, she turned during this period, at times, to a raving lunatic Mother-of-the-Bridezilla. After one decision she deeply disagreed with (the wedding venue), she screamed down the phone at me about how I was completely rejecting her and how I must hate her and want to punish her to treat her like this, so I told her I wasn't prepared to speak to her again unless and until she could do so like a rational adult, and terminated the call. I then wouldn't tkae her calls till she calmed down, which took 3 days. My fiance had to screen my voicemails from her - *listens, winces, holds phone away from ear*: "Yeah, she's still angry, I wouldn't call her back yet". One the third day she caved and called me in floods of tears to apologise. But in general that's not a tactic I adopt or recommend.

[Machine Elf]

I've only ever deliberately subjected someone to the silent treatment, and that was my mother during the run-up to my wedding.
...
so I told her I wasn't prepared to speak to her again unless and until she could do so like a rational adult, and terminated the call. I then wouldn't tkae her calls till she calmed down, which took 3 days.

Based on your description I wouldn't call that "The Silent Treatment." The Silent Treatment, IMHO, combines a refusal to discuss a contentious matter (or anything else) with a refusal to explain why one won't discuss the contentious matter. It is a total shutdown of communication as some sort of punishment, intended to instill confusion and insecurity in the other party. What you did instead was to shape the discussion in a thoughtful manner: you refused to stoop to your mom's level, and you explained to her the acceptable terms under which you were willing to resume discussion.

Likewise, postponement of a discussion by an agitated person (until that agitated person has time to cool off) doesn't strike me as The Silent Treatment either, provided that the agitated person explains why they are doing so.

[norinew]

Based on your description I wouldn't call that "The Silent Treatment." The Silent Treatment, IMHO, combines a refusal to discuss a contentious matter (or anything else) with a refusal to explain why one won't discuss the contentious matter. It is a total shutdown of communication as some sort of punishment, intended to instill confusion and insecurity in the other party. What you did instead was to shape the discussion in a thoughtful manner: you refused to stoop to your mom's level, and you explained to her the acceptable terms under which you were willing to resume discussion.

Likewise, postponement of a discussion by an agitated person (until that agitated person has time to cool off) doesn't strike me as The Silent Treatment either, provided that the agitated person explains why they are doing so.
I agree that the behavior Jennyrosity exhibited with her mother is not 'the silent treatment'. Your description, Machine Elf, is more apt. When I was young and my mother was giving me the silent treatment, it didn't mean she wouldn't speak to me at all; she would use monosyllables for necessary communication, and otherwise give me dirty looks.

I have actually used the "I'm not going to discuss this with you until you can talk about it calmly"; I even used it in a business setting once! A client of ours was on the phone, irate, clearly not willing to listen to reason, and edging towards being verbally abusive. I let her rant for a few minutes, tried to interject something helpful a few times, only to be screamed at again. Finally, I just calmly kept repeating her name until she responded. When she responded I said "Clearly, you're not calm enough to work on solving this problem yet. I want to help you solve it. When you're calm enough to speak to me civilly, feel free to call back", and I hung up. An hour later, she called back, very apologetic about her behavior. (Although I can see how it could have gone the other way and gotten me fired. . .)

[Jennyrosity]

Yes, I can see both your points. It was just highly unusual for me to take that tactic with my mother rather than getting drawn into a row!

[chela]

I want to know what you mean by "the silent treatment". People here are assuming a certain type of interaction, and I don't know if I can assume that.

When my ex-husband and I would argue, I would regularly get to a point where I would stop talking. Why? Because I had gotten to the point where I realized that I could say nothing more to change the situation. Because I wanted to step back and consider the situation. Because when I get stressed, I get non-verbal. And because I knew that further argument would only be inciting further abuse, not better resolution.

And he would get angry at me for not talking, and I wouldn't be surprised if he called it giving him "the silent treatment".


So let me ask: what do you consider "the silent treatment"? And what are you expecting him to say? Are you putting up conversational roadblocks (http://books.google.com/books?id=MJPAoB22ugkC&lpg=PA26&ots=zS7E2EsHEm&dq=twelve%20conversational%20roadblocks&pg=PA17#v=onepage&q=twelve%20conversational%20roadblocks&f=false)?

Just took a peek at that book, and hoo boy do I recognize the use of those tactics in some people. It has taken me years to recognize them as conversation shifters, saboteurs, defaults to the negative, creating fighting words, and basically trying to "win" the "argument" no matter what.

So to go "silent" is a passive yet energy saving defense. When I've succumbed to it, I am mostly sick of the shit and wish they would just stfu forever. Because I want to avoid all train wrecks, this sparks a desire to be intentional in conversation, and not get led astray down some argumentative stupid path. To head it off at the pass in future conversations, I am listening for those roadblocks as they occur, the hijacks and interruptions too. Making it clear when a boundary has been crossed. We-ell this is all too much sometimes for the verbal bully, so I get the intentional "silent treatment":rolleyes:

Then I give that ball right back to them, I'm not anticipating their needs, nor accomodating their silence. take your ball and go home.

[cuauhtemoc]

My husband and I have struggled with this for years, and have only recently found a way of dealing with it. He hates conflict, in any form, and his way of dealing with it was just to shut down and refuse to acknowledge it was happening. I, on the other hand, come from a long line of quick-tempered people who will get angry and shout at the slightest provaction. He found my behaviour deeply distressing, while I found his refusal to engage with me and to ignore the problem really hurtful - like whatever was bothering me wasn't worthy of his consideration.
I know you've already worked through this, but there's a possibility he avoided conflict because of his own self-esteem issues, and not because he didn't think your concerns were important. It's like "I would discuss this and defend my own position, but I'm not worth it and I should just suffer in silence." Yet his resentment of you would continue to build, because the suffering is still there, after all. It doesn't exactly make sense, but self-worth issues like that can be very persistent nonetheless. That's why they're so damaging.

I'm not saying "silent-treatment people are all precious angels and you should put up with their behavior unquestioningly and feel guilty for whatever you did," I'm just offering a possible explanation other than "they don't care about you."

[Lakai]

My reaction is usually, "great, now I won't have to think of excuses to avoid this person."

My mom likes to give silent treatments. It works on my Dad, but not on me. Dad will cave in about an hour and start begging my Mom to start talking again. He's a very social guy and can't stand people avoiding him.

I can last a lot longer. I don't know how long, because eventually Mom starts talking to me again. Usually to check and make sure I'm eating correctly.

I've actually lost one or two friends who gave me the silent treatment. I didn't care enough to ask them to stop.

[Meagan]

I give my mother the silent treatment fairly often, but it usually only lasts a day or so. She's very "look at me! look at me!", and every couple of weeks something in her life has gone dramatically wrong and she hosts a pity party.
Perfect example: She called me all upset the other day about how she got a promotion offer at work. You'd think she'd be happy, right? Nope! She was complaining that now she had more work to do and didn't want the extra responsibilities. Well that's cool, so I told her she should just very politely turn down the offer . Allofasudden she's firing off at me about why don't I want her to succeed and be happy? WTF? :eek:
After episodes like that I don't answer her calls for a couple days. She always knows why.

[Jennyrosity]

I know you've already worked through this, but there's a possibility he avoided conflict because of his own self-esteem issues, and not because he didn't think your concerns were important. It's like "I would discuss this and defend my own position, but I'm not worth it and I should just suffer in silence." Yet his resentment of you would continue to build, because the suffering is still there, after all. It doesn't exactly make sense, but self-worth issues like that can be very persistent nonetheless. That's why they're so damaging.

I'm not saying "silent-treatment people are all precious angels and you should put up with their behavior unquestioningly and feel guilty for whatever you did," I'm just offering a possible explanation other than "they don't care about you."


Oh, absolutely, and what you say is very true in my husband's case (I have all the ego in our relationship :)). And even at the height of my anger, I always knew it wasn't really because my concerns weren't important to him - I know I mean the world to him - but it's hard to remember that and act accordingly when your emotions are heightened.

[Dogzilla]

I learned, the hard way, that the silent treatment tends to be a control tactic. The person who has shut down is trying to control your behavior. The first time my ex pulled that on me, it worked like a charm. I was trying to call him out on something he'd done to hurt me and he just shut down, left my house, and refused to speak to me for about 3-4 days. I blew up his phone trying to get his attention long enough to resolve the issue, which is what he wanted: me begging for his attention, so he wouldn't have to be accountable or take responsibility for his actions that hurt me. I mentioned this to a friend and she told me about how he was trying to control my behavior by controlling the conversation.

Oh. Okay. I can play with that.

So, whenever I'd start feeling smothered or whatever and just wanted some peace and quiet, I'd pick a fight with him (insulting his religion was usually the quickest and most effective way to go about this). He'd get mad and refuse to talk to me. I'd delight in the peace and get a bunch of stuff done, going about my merry way, enjoying the solo time. Then he'd call and I'd feel like "aw, crap, he's back." Going through that pattern a few times is what made me decide to DTMFA. I was so much happier when he wasn't speaking to me that I decided to make that permanent.

In the end, it totally backfired on him.

[Sauron]

So, whenever I'd start feeling smothered or whatever and just wanted some peace and quiet, I'd pick a fight with him (insulting his religion was usually the quickest and most effective way to go about this). He'd get mad and refuse to talk to me. I'd delight in the peace and get a bunch of stuff done, going about my merry way, enjoying the solo time. Then he'd call and I'd feel like "aw, crap, he's back." Going through that pattern a few times is what made me decide to DTMFA. I was so much happier when he wasn't speaking to me that I decided to make that permanent.

In the end, it totally backfired on him.

Not that my opinion should matter to you, but it sounds like you did him a favor.

[elbows]

Yes, the silent treatment is emotional abuse. There's no justification for it.

I was raised in a home where people used their words as weapons to wound. I was schooled in
it, and am good at it.

Sometimes, being silent is the result of not wanting to cross over to a place I never want to go. In arguments emotions run high, it's all too easy to get carried away. Sometimes the wisest thing to do is to choke back what's on the tip of my tongue, literally biting my lips shut.

As I will later return, to take another shot at resolution, once I've calmed down and regained control, I don't know if this strictly qualifies as 'the silent treatment', however for those on the receiving end it must surely seem so. There are times, at least for me, when it really is the lesser of two evils. Fortunately, as I've gotten older, it occurs less and less, even getting to where I can actually get out the words, "I'm sorry, I can't continue!".

[Dogzilla]

Not that my opinion should matter to you, but it sounds like you did him a favor.

It doesn't. You don't have anywhere near all the facts.

[Sauron]

It doesn't. You don't have anywhere near all the facts.

No doubt, and I'm sure you had significant grievances against him. My point was based on what you posted, you don't come off well. Again, in my opinion.

[Dogzilla]

No doubt, and I'm sure you had significant grievances against him. My point was based on what you posted, you don't come off well. Again, in my opinion.

Fair enough. The one example of my behavior I gave was pretty passive-aggressive, but at the time I thought I was fighting fire with fire. Straightforward, adult, mature, rational discussion didn't work and the relationship was circling the drain anyway...

[Diogenes the Cynic]

No doubt, and I'm sure you had significant grievances against him. My point was based on what you posted, you don't come off well. Again, in my opinion.
I didn't get this impression at all, for what it's worth. It sounded like a defense against a controlling partner.

[Shodan]

I don't much difference between "the silent treatment" and "pouting". I don't care for either, and therefore don't respond to it. I'm not going to try to get you to talk - talk if you want, otherwise I will go about my business.

I have had people try this on me, but meh.

Regards,
Shodan

[Dogzilla]

I didn't get this impression at all, for what it's worth. It sounded like a defense against a controlling partner.
That was the goal: to react in the opposite way from what he expected -- to take control of my choices away from him and back for myself. He thought that if he took Action A (Silent Treatment), then I would react by fawning and apologizing and falling on my sword to get back into his good graces (Reaction B). Instead, I didn't let it bother me and used the time alone (or made the time alone by picking a fight) to do things like come up with a plan for how I was going to get out of an abusive, controlling relationship without him coming unhinged at the loss of control and beating the shit out of me or worse. He never laid a hand on me, but I don't trust a controlling man to not lose his shit when his world (object of control) is slipping away from him. Dudes can get dangerous upon rejection sometimes, and I didn't want to take any chances that he wouldn't get violent. I made a plan to protect myself in the event that he did and then hoped for the best.

He did get a little stalker-y for about a year, but finally the Cone of Silence that I had to invoke got through. So there's another data point. After we broke up, I refused to reciprocate any contact whatsoever. I didn't respond to texts, emails, voice mails, notes left on my front door, nothing. Even when he tried to pick a fight with inflammatory communiques, I refused to budge or engage. I was afraid that any contact whatsoever would be viewed as an encouragement. Even a hearty "fuck off!" might be seen as "there is still some hope left as long as she's talking to me". So there's where the Silent Treatment can maybe be healthy: when any contact at all could escalate into a dangerous situation. All the battered women and abusive relationship websites I went to recommended this. Make a clean break and invoke a Cone of Silence. Engage with a controller/abuser at your own peril. If you need a cite, go to heartless bitches international (dot com) and browse through The Manipulator Files.

This is completely and totally different from the examples upthread, where people are living together and one stops speaking to control how the conflict will (not) be handled. IMO, the Silent Treatment says the person doing it has trouble taking responsibility for their own hurtful behavior. They cannot accept that they, too, are equally complicit in what goes on in any relationship (not just intimate romantic ones), so they put up conversational roadblocks or shut down completely so they won't have to face their own icky behavior or feelings.

"Disrespect is a weapon of the weak and a poor self-defense against one's own despised feelings." --Melody Beatty, The Drama of the Gifted Child

[kahncss]

I think the silent treatment can be an immature way of handling an argument. Like someone else said, I have said "let's talk about this later", or even take a deep breath and count to 10 before I respond.

[shantih]

I was raised in a home where people used their words as weapons to wound. I was schooled in
it, and am good at it.

Sometimes, being silent is the result of not wanting to cross over to a place I never want to go. In arguments emotions run high, it's all too easy to get carried away. Sometimes the wisest thing to do is to choke back what's on the tip of my tongue, literally biting my lips shut.

As I will later return, to take another shot at resolution, once I've calmed down and regained control, I don't know if this strictly qualifies as 'the silent treatment', however for those on the receiving end it must surely seem so. There are times, at least for me, when it really is the lesser of two evils. Fortunately, as I've gotten older, it occurs less and less, even getting to where I can actually get out the words, "I'm sorry, I can't continue!".

I think of 'the silent treatment' as a deliberate tactic of shutting another person out completely for an extended time: ignoring them, looking past them, not making eye contact, not responding to them if they speak, etc. What you're describing strikes me as pulling yourself back from the heat of an argument before your high emotional state drives you to lash out more viciously than you want to. I say, good on you! That shows commendable self-control in challenging circumstances.

I think phouka nailed it on the first page -- the silent treatment is a form of shunning, and as social animals who depend on the group for our survival, shunning is enormously threatening and frightening.

But we've had a number of different variations of the silent treatment mentioned in the thread so far. OP, could you let us know what you mean by it so we're working off the same definition?

And Dogzilla, I think the way you handled your ex's behavior was elegant and justifiably devious; not what I would suggest for a healthy emotional relationship, but you clearly didn't have that with your ex anyway.

[norinew]

But we've had a number of different variations of the silent treatment mentioned in the thread so far. OP, could you let us know what you mean by it so we're working off the same definition?


Well, since the OP never responded to several other requests to define what she meant, and seeing as how she's now been banned, I do believe the OP is giving us the. . .

:p

[shantih]

Well, since the OP never responded to several other requests to define what she meant, and seeing as how she's now been banned, I do believe the OP is giving us the. . .

:p

Oh, well played indeed! *golf clap*



I missed the banning. So, um, never mind, I guess.

[Mavis Topholese]

I've never experienced this in a spouse-type situation. Thank goodness. I will say, however, that when dealing with someone who has become so obnoxious that interaction with them is completely counterproductive, the silent treatment works amazingly well. There's nothing a bully or an attention-whore loves more than a good public argument, and when you fail to give that to them, ooh, they hate that.

As Dogzilla said upthread, some people take ANY contact as evidence that there's still some hope you'll be their girlfriend or their bestest buddy 4-evah. Why play their game? Some people believe that others are somehow obligated to respond to their every whim ("but she HAS to talk to me!") and the sooner they lose that belief, the better. Some people get off on provoking reactions from as many people as they can and then playing the victim when their provocations bear fruit. So many people to avoid, so much time in your life gained by avoiding them.

[Dusty Rose]

I think of 'the silent treatment' as a deliberate tactic of shutting another person out completely for an extended time: ignoring them, looking past them, not making eye contact, not responding to them if they speak, etc.


Respectfully snipped by me for emphasis.

To me, this is "the silent treatment." It was a specialty of my father's; his were thorough and long-lasting. For instance, he gave my mom TST for 3 weeks. She tried and tried to figure out what she'd done, but finally begged him to tell her. Come to find out, she had 2 loaves of bread open at the same time! (Instead of finishing one, then opening the other.)

He then proceeded to give her TST for a month as a punishment for having to ask what she'd done, instead of just knowing!

Just to compound the craziness that is my parents, when she tells the story now, what upsets her the most is that she opened the new loaf so that he'd always have the freshest bread, and leave the other for her and us kids. :smack:

[BigT]

I've never experienced this in a spouse-type situation. Thank goodness. I will say, however, that when dealing with someone who has become so obnoxious that interaction with them is completely counterproductive, the silent treatment works amazingly well. There's nothing a bully or an attention-whore loves more than a good public argument, and when you fail to give that to them, ooh, they hate that.

As Dogzilla said upthread, some people take ANY contact as evidence that there's still some hope you'll be their girlfriend or their bestest buddy 4-evah. Why play their game? Some people believe that others are somehow obligated to respond to their every whim ("but she HAS to talk to me!") and the sooner they lose that belief, the better. Some people get off on provoking reactions from as many people as they can and then playing the victim when their provocations bear fruit. So many people to avoid, so much time in your life gained by avoiding them.

That's not really the silent treatment, either. Part of the silent treatment involves making sure the person knows you are doing it to them, and has the intent of trying to get them to remedy the situation. When your goal is just to cut off contact, you are, well, just cutting off contact.

That said, I wouldn't go out of my way to avoid anyone. It really doesn't bother me if I told someone we're not in a relationship, and yet they still think we are. And, so far, none of my relationships have involved people so crazy that I worry they are going to hurt me.

[Nava]

So let me ask: what do you consider "the silent treatment"? And what are you expecting him to say? Are you putting up conversational roadblocks (http://books.google.com/books?id=MJPAoB22ugkC&lpg=PA26&ots=zS7E2EsHEm&dq=twelve%20conversational%20roadblocks&pg=PA17#v=onepage&q=twelve%20conversational%20roadblocks&f=false)?

My brother needing some time out so he can calm down and "become human again" is not the silent treatment. Sometimes it isn't even linked to something involving the rest of the family, but to their day outside; maybe Littlebro has just managed to hammer down a contract after some particularly nasty or complex negotiations, or Middlebro has fired a guy after finding him shooting up at work; in any case, he's been relatively polite and pleasant at a time when he wanted to shout and needs some time to blow off steam on his own rather than blowing it on the family. It's perfectly reasonable and adult behavior.

Mom not communicating for three days except for tossing the wallet and shopping list on my bed with a gesture that spelled out "I'd rather be throwing hammers at your head, pity I'm reasonably sure I'd miss", on the other hand, was. It's sort of a very agressive form of passive agression: she would have claimed it wasn't agression since she wasn't calling me names, but like hell it wasn't - childish, too.