Do people in your culture "date"?

[kapri]

In another thread the OP mentioned that "we don't date here," "here" being Australia. I've also heard/read people from European countries say this. If this is true, then I'm curious about how people in your country/culture get to know one another. For example, if you meet someone in a bar or in a class and want to hang out with them elsewhere, how do you go about it? To me, arranging to meet that person another night for lunch or drinks is considered a "date." Is that what you consider dating, or is it something else? Also, what is your view of the American idea of dating?

[Ura-Maru]

Nah, "people in my culture" don't date. Not out of choice, women shockingly enough, avoid chunky underemployed geeks who are a bit too fond of their own (alleged) wit.

Can't say I blame them, really . . .

--
Joke! Joke! Please, no indignant responses. Unless they come attached to dating offers. Seriously, I've dated. More than once!

[Girl From Mars]

Well we do go on dates in Australia. For instance, we still have the term blind date or first date, but I don't think we have a dating culture. It's more relaxed; you go from 'hanging out' particularly if you meet through friends first, in a group, then start 'seeing each' other, then eventually have the discussion about longer term expectations of the relationship. Getting 'asked out on a date' is rare, even through work.

I've never heard of any of my friends 'dating' - it would only be 'going on a 'date'. We don't tend to 'date' more than one person at a time, there is a quicker expectation that once you are girlfriend/boyfriend you will be exclusive without this having to be negotiated. I you are seeing more than one person chances are it will be much more casual are you won't consider any of the time you spend with any one of them to be a date or relationship.

I think the nuances are subtle, but are there. Here's a quick sum up of Australian dating customs (http://www.ehow.com/about_6585044_australia-dating-customs.html).

[kapri]

I don't know, maybe it seems like a stupid question. I just wonder how two people who are interested in getting to know each other better do it without "dating." Maybe someone will answer.

[kapri]

Well we do go on dates in Australia. For instance, we still have the term blind date or first date, but I don't think we have a dating culture. It's more relaxed; you go from 'hanging out' particularly if you meet through friends first, in a group, then start 'seeing each' other, then eventually have the discussion about longer term expectations.

Generally you won't be 'dating' more than one person at a time; if you are spreading yourself about chances are you won't consider any of the time you spend with any one of them to be a date.

I think the nuances are subtle, but are there. Here's a quick sum up of Australian dating customs (http://www.ehow.com/about_6585044_australia-dating-customs.html).

Thanks. Didn't see your post before I posted that last thing.

Interesting article.

[A. Gwilliam]

They say that Britain and America are two countries separated by the Atlantic Ocean. And it's true!

I think it's both a linguistic and a cultural difference.

People in the UK don't generally describe either themselves or others as "dating" someone. A date is something you go on to explore hooking up with another person in some form or other; so a "first date" would I guess mean exactly the same thing here as in the US. But if you've gotten to know each other a little and are some sort of couple, you don't "date". I'd provisionally suggest that the rule of thumb is that once you've stopped numbering "dates", you're no longer going on dates (if you see what I mean).

People here "go out together" or "see each other". I have no idea how those terms relate in terms of experience to an American couple "dating". I'm not even clear if two people "dating" in the US would necessarily consider themselves a couple.

[Shagnasty]

I think the prevalence of dating in the U.S. is overstated a lot of the time. The way most people get together is the same way that Australians and Europeans describe it. You meet someone through some mutual channel and start doing things in groups and then alone. I don't know many men that just ask out females that they don't already know to a fancy dinner although you can in some contexts and some people do it. You almost have to do it in school because there are functions where bringing a date is expected and some people go to bars to meet someone brand new or just hook up for a fling but it isn't something most people spend a lot of their life doing.

I am curious from the other side though. Dating websites are popular in the U.S. and account for a significant fraction of relationships and even marriages. Do people use those a lot in other countries?

[Teacake]

Seems to me (though I'm as likely as usual to have missed the point) that the difference isn't that we don't go out. Of course we go out, and asking someone (possibly a random stranger) out for a coffee/meal/drink/movie would be considered "a date". You'll quite regularly hear people saying that they have a date tonight, including people who've been in that relationship for a while. The difference is that we don't date several people at a time the way it seems is common in the US. If you're seeing someone, you're seeing them, and then you either get serious or you move on - people don't usually overlap, unless it's extremely casual and in the first couple of dates. I'd be surprised at least if I found that I was seeing someone and they were seeing someone else on intervening evenings.

[SciFiSam]

Well we do go on dates in Australia. For instance, we still have the term blind date or first date, but I don't think we have a dating culture. It's more relaxed; you go from 'hanging out' particularly if you meet through friends first, in a group, then start 'seeing each' other, then eventually have the discussion about longer term expectations of the relationship. Getting 'asked out on a date' is rare, even through work.

I've never heard of any of my friends 'dating' - it would only be 'going on a 'date'. We don't tend to 'date' more than one person at a time, there is a quicker expectation that once you are girlfriend/boyfriend you will be exclusive without this having to be negotiated. I you are seeing more than one person chances are it will be much more casual are you won't consider any of the time you spend with any one of them to be a date or relationship.

I think the nuances are subtle, but are there. Here's a quick sum up of Australian dating customs (http://www.ehow.com/about_6585044_australia-dating-customs.html).

Yup, same in the UK. Most couples I know meet, get drunk, kiss/shag, see each other again either individually (which they might call a date) or in the same group of friends, kiss/shag again, and then they're seeing each other.

Dating websites are introducing more formal dates, but still I think most people don't date multiple people unless they openly state that they're poly.

Often people will have been seeing each other for a while before they have a proper date, in the sense of arranging to go out and do something together where they definitely won't see any of their friends.

[WhyNot]

The difference is that we don't date several people at a time the way it seems is common in the US. If you're seeing someone, you're seeing them, and then you either get serious or you move on - people don't usually overlap, unless it's extremely casual and in the first couple of dates. I'd be surprised at least if I found that I was seeing someone and they were seeing someone else on intervening evenings.

Interesting perspective on American dating. It's actually quite unusual for Americans to date more than one person at a time, though. At least, past the second or third date. Third date is generally where monogamy is assumed, although it's still a little iffy, and "I didn't know we were exclusive!" is a defense, but one met with eyebrows raised.

So it sounds, at least so far, as if the only real cultural difference is the use of the term "dating" to describe the behavior, which, actually, I hardly ever hear IRL. "We're going out" (which doesn't mean we're leaving the premises tonight, it means we're regularly enjoying each others' company in a romantic, if not sexual, way) or "I'm seeing someone" (ditto) are far more common. "I have a date" is still used, but it's used as much to describe a dinner and movie with your husband post-kids as it is a new paramour - it tells you nothing about the commitment level of the datees.

[kapri]

Seems to me (though I'm as likely as usual to have missed the point) that the difference isn't that we don't go out. Of course we go out, and asking someone (possibly a random stranger) out for a coffee/meal/drink/movie would be considered "a date". You'll quite regularly hear people saying that they have a date tonight, including people who've been in that relationship for a while. The difference is that we don't date several people at a time the way it seems is common in the US. If you're seeing someone, you're seeing them, and then you either get serious or you move on - people don't usually overlap, unless it's extremely casual and in the first couple of dates. I'd be surprised at least if I found that I was seeing someone and they were seeing someone else on intervening evenings.

This would be preferable to me. I would prefer dating just one person, but in my experience men prefer dating multiple people and rarely if ever committing to one. Before my second marriage it seemed like the model you describe above prevailed, but since my divorce I've encountered the "dating multiple people" scenario again and again, which necessitates, at some point, the "exclusivity" talk. I liked the old way better.

[multimediac17]

I'm from Australia and - perhaps this will add insight into at least what my perception of "dating" is - I'd be extremely surprised to find out that a person would be dating multiple people at the same time, and being open about it. It just doesn't seem like an acceptable thing to do - of course this opinion would vary from person to person let alone culture to culture.

[doreen]

Interesting perspective on American dating. It's actually quite unusual for Americans to date more than one person at a time, though. At least, past the second or third date. I don't hear anyone IRL use the term dating either and I agree it's unusual for Americans to date more than one person for any length of time . I think non-exclusive "dating" was more common in the US in the 50s and maybe 60s than it is now. I wasn't around then, but that's the impression I've gotten from old TV shows, movies etc.

[WhyNot]

I don't hear anyone IRL use the term dating either and I agree it's unusual for Americans to date more than one person for any length of time . I think non-exclusive "dating" was more common in the US in the 50s and maybe 60s than it is now. I wasn't around then, but that's the impression I've gotten from old TV shows, movies etc.

another social casualty of AIDS, I suspect.

[turtledove river]

Well, I'm from Mexico and as far as I know, people don't really date here. You just become friends with the person first, then if you really like them, ask them to be your boyfriend/girlfriend. THEN you start going out with them, to eat, to the movies, etc. At least that's the way it was when I was in high school (10-13 years ago). But I'm pretty sure things have changed since then, specially with the influence of American TV shows aimed at teens and that sort of stuff.

I have no idea how adults do it. I guess they go to bars? I don't know. I don't care. I don't date at all. I know, I'm no help.

[Arrendajo]

The description of Australian "dating" sounds very much like what my (American) high school senior son and his friends do. They go out in mixed groups and gaggles to various activities and hang outs - I don't think any of them are "going steady" or paired off.

[Autolycus]

People in Japan date, but there does seem to be less of a dating culture. There is definitely less inter-mingling of the sexes. Many marriages are still arranged.

[BigT]

I agree with the people saying that none of this sounds very different. If you are seeing multiple people, you aren't dating.

And don't let the people who talk about open relationships fool you: they are decidedly not the norm. There is a concept of "playing the field", but once a relationship has started, it's assumed to be exclusive unless stated otherwise.

BTW, I've had 3 or 4 girlfriends in my life, and I've only dated twice with the same woman (who never became my girlfriend).

[WhyNot]

And don't let the people who talk about open relationships fool you: they are decidedly not the norm.

Exactly. So much not the norm that we've had to invent a whole new slew of vocabulary words (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Terminology_within_polyamory). It's very definitely a minority, and the onus is on poly people to make their rules known, as monogamy is definitely the default assumption in American relationships, even fairly new ones.

[TokyoBayer]

People in Japan date, but there does seem to be less of a dating culture. There is definitely less inter-mingling of the sexes. Many marriages are still arranged.Maybe so up in the inaka "sticks", but down here in Tokyo, you see many people going out.

Similar to what turtledove river says, Japanese will "confess" (愛の告白 《形式》 a declaration of love) to the other person, and then if the advances are accepted, they become a couple.

A very common thing is for there to be a gokon (合コン), or groups of equal numbers of men and women, as small as three of each. If people are interested, they exchange contact into and then meet up separately.

[Autolycus]

Aomori is not the "sticks," ... ok it's the sticks.

[suranyi]

I don't think there's any real difference in behavior. Maybe a difference in terminology, coupled with stereotypes pulled from Hollywood.

[BrotherCadfael]

The difference is that we don't date several people at a time the way it seems is common in the US.I think your understanding of US dating culture is not up to date. My thread, entitled "When did the distinction between "dating" and "going steady (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=479180&highlight=dating)" disappear?", is relevant:


Back in the '50s, "dating" was not exclusive - in TV and movies from the period, you frequently see Betty Sue tell Wally she can't go out with him this weekend, because she has a date with Ricky, "but I'm free next weekend!" When a couple decided their relationship had become serious enough to become exclusive, they were said to be "going steady". Going steady was considered a desirable condition, and most teenage girls desperately wanted to achieve this status.

[S]ome parents would discourage daughters from going steady, preferring that they continue to date around. While some steady couples did go on to a sexual relationship, this was by no means the norm in the '50s.

Sometime between then and the time I got into the dating game, this all changed dramatically. By 1972 or so, if you went on more than one date with a person, it was assumed to be exclusive. A girl who "dated around" would be thought of as "easy" if not an outright slut.

Of course, by that time, if you went on three or more dates with the same person, everyone assumed (usually correctly) that you were sleeping together. Perhaps this is the cause of the change? When sex became a routine part of dating, exclusivity became necessary?

A number of comments in my thread indicate that even this picture of US dating is obsolete, having been replaced by some combination of going out in groups, hanging out, and hooking up.

[xoferew]

In my high school ('80's) lots of kids dated, or wanted to. There was lots of romantic social drama. I was surprised when I went to college to find few couples and most people hanging out in mixed-gender groups. ...Except for the night of the GLBT movie festival, which lots of forward-thinking, non-homophobic students attended, but almost all with a date of the opposite sex that they had dug up for the occasion. (Including me, I admit.)

[elfkin477]

I don't hear anyone IRL use the term dating either and I agree it's unusual for Americans to date more than one person for any length of time . I think non-exclusive "dating" was more common in the US in the 50s and maybe 60s than it is now. I wasn't around then, but that's the impression I've gotten from old TV shows, movies etc.

another social casualty of AIDS, I suspect.I'd guess that it was more about premarital sex coming out into the open than AIDS - sleeping with someone tends to trend towards more exclusive relationships. After all, back when Betty Sue was dating several clean cut boys in the 50s, she wasn't supposed to be sleeping with them all.

I don't think there's any real difference in behavior. Maybe a difference in terminology, coupled with stereotypes pulled from Hollywood. No doubt. Hollywood paints funny pictures of this country that aren't in sych with most people's realities. Example: according to Hollywood, 90% of kids are parts of frats and sororities and only date other Greeks unless they're rebels.

[doreen]

I'd guess that it was more about premarital sex coming out into the open than AIDS - sleeping with someone tends to trend towards more exclusive relationships. After all, back when Betty Sue was dating several clean cut boys in the 50s, she wasn't supposed to be sleeping with them all. I'm sure that's what it was - Betty Sue gave up dating several boys by the late '70s and AIDS wasn't believed to be a concern for heterosexuals until at least the mid 80's.

[kapri]

This is all interesting. To me, "dating" means seeing someone for the purposes of getting to know them to see if a relationship between the two of you might work. I acknowledge that for a large number of people, it means getting together to do something and then have sex either at the end of the first "date" night or one of the dates soon thereafter; generally this results in the man moving on to "date" someone else." You might initially meet at a bar or a party or the grocery store and exchange contact info or arrange to meet somewhere soon again. That second meeting is a "date." Then you might arrange to meet somewhere else again, or you might meet at one of your homes and go somewhere from there. That is also a "date." This might continue for a little while. Once you determine that you want to have a relationship with that person, you aren't exactly "dating" anymore--you're in a relationship, with all that that entails.

I have found that since my divorce, the men I have "dated" aren't interested in having an exclusive relationship and want to be free to date (and sleep with) whomever they want, when they want. Many of my female friends are also finding this to be true, but not all of them; some have found men who actually have committed to being exclusive and monogamous with them. The people I refer to are, in general, middle-aged (40s and 50s), although the same seems to be true for my friends in their 20s and 30s as well.

[StusBlues]

I think the prevalence of dating in the U.S. is overstated a lot of the time. The way most people get together is the same way that Australians and Europeans describe it. You meet someone through some mutual channel and start doing things in groups and then alone.

This is my experience exactly, and I'm every inch the American. I think I've "asked someone on a date" exactly once, and that was at the tail-end of a three-day artists' retreat. All my romantic relationships have evolved out of something else--college friend, professional acquaintance, work in a community organization, etc. The idea of meeting someone and asking them out "cold" is pretty alien to me.

Then again, I've heard some shockingly high (to me) statistics about how many relationships start with online dating services these days, so I know people still do it. I'm just not one of them.

[DianaG]

If you are seeing multiple people, you aren't dating.
What would you call it then?

And don't let the people who talk about open relationships fool you: they are decidedly not the norm. There is a concept of "playing the field", but once a relationship has started, it's assumed to be exclusive unless stated otherwise.
Open relationships are certainly not the norm; however, amongst the grown folks, exclusivity should never be assumed, lest you encounter some unpleasant surprises. You've got to have The Talk.

[kapri]

What would you call it then?


Open relationships are certainly not the norm; however, amongst the grown folks, exclusivity should never be assumed, lest you encounter some unpleasant surprises. You've got to have The Talk.

This is 100% what I have found. Unless you've had the talk, you have to assume that the other person is seeing and sleeping with other people. That's been my experience, anyway. I haven't been doing the seeing/sleeping with, but the men I've seen have assumed that it's cool for them to do that while also seeing me because we hadn't had "the talk."

Yes, I tend to ignore red flags, but I'm getting better at that. "Dating" has changed drastically since I last did it back in the late 80s.

[Mops]

My perception of dating in US culture (which is shared to some extent by other Germans) is:

- dating (as opposed to just eating or doing other things together) means that you are up front about meeting the other person because they are of your preferred sex, and with a view to scoping out each other's suitablility for a relationship.
- a set of cultural norms on how to behave on a date, related to but distinct from social norms for general social occasions.

I have heard quite a few instances of Germans referring to a meeting as a date (using the English word date rather than the German Verabredung) to convey the message that romance is a possibility (i.e. you are not (yet) mutually agreed to be just friends) but OTOH no romantic relationship exists (yet).

[robert_columbia]

Interesting perspective on American dating. It's actually quite unusual for Americans to date more than one person at a time, though. At least, past the second or third date. Third date is generally where monogamy is assumed, although it's still a little iffy, and "I didn't know we were exclusive!" is a defense, but one met with eyebrows raised....


Right. Dating more than one person after a certain point is called "two-timing", and is generally considered a form of cheating unless everyone involved grants permission.

I learned the term "going steady" for the point in which you commit to dating a single person excusively. This continues until explicitly terminated, either by breaking up, or explicitly agreeing that the other may see other people. In the 1980's/1990's, teens went on a few dates and often decided to "go steady" with the other one.

[kapri]

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhyNot
Interesting perspective on American dating. It's actually quite unusual for Americans to date more than one person at a time, though. At least, past the second or third date. Third date is generally where monogamy is assumed, although it's still a little iffy, and "I didn't know we were exclusive!" is a defense, but one met with eyebrows raised....

Robert Columbia:
Right. Dating more than one person after a certain point is called "two-timing", and is generally considered a form of cheating unless everyone involved grants permission.

This has not been my experience or the experience of most of my friends at all, and I wonder why. We have found that unless you have "the talk," most men (and maybe some women, but I don't know because I don't date women) assume that everyone is dating multiple people. I could go on a date with one guy four, five times, and that doesn't mean we are exclusive, in my experience, and in fact I have been made to feel foolish for assuming it does.

Maybe it's a regional thing? I don't know.

[DianaG]

Dating more than one person after a certain point is called "two-timing", and is generally considered a form of cheating unless everyone involved grants permission.
I agree, except that I'd say that the "certain point" is after both parties have explicitly agreed to be exclusive.

I seriously can't fathom this idea that you'd just assume that this person you've been on three dates with has the same values that you do and that you're on the same page regarding the relationship. Why not remove all doubt? Use your words, people!

[SecretaryofEvil]

Well we do go on dates in Australia. For instance, we still have the term blind date or first date, but I don't think we have a dating culture. It's more relaxed; you go from 'hanging out' particularly if you meet through friends first, in a group, then start 'seeing each' other, then eventually have the discussion about longer term expectations of the relationship. Getting 'asked out on a date' is rare, even through work.

I've never heard of any of my friends 'dating' - it would only be 'going on a 'date'. We don't tend to 'date' more than one person at a time, there is a quicker expectation that once you are girlfriend/boyfriend you will be exclusive without this having to be negotiated. I you are seeing more than one person chances are it will be much more casual are you won't consider any of the time you spend with any one of them to be a date or relationship.

I think the nuances are subtle, but are there. Here's a quick sum up of Australian dating customs (http://www.ehow.com/about_6585044_australia-dating-customs.html).

Seems to me (though I'm as likely as usual to have missed the point) that the difference isn't that we don't go out. Of course we go out, and asking someone (possibly a random stranger) out for a coffee/meal/drink/movie would be considered "a date". You'll quite regularly hear people saying that they have a date tonight, including people who've been in that relationship for a while. The difference is that we don't date several people at a time the way it seems is common in the US. If you're seeing someone, you're seeing them, and then you either get serious or you move on - people don't usually overlap, unless it's extremely casual and in the first couple of dates. I'd be surprised at least if I found that I was seeing someone and they were seeing someone else on intervening evenings.

I'm American, and in my experience, romantic relationships here seem to work pretty much exactly as how you described them working in your countries. The "debutant who entertains multiple suitors who each formally ask her out" thing must have gone out of style decades ago in America, if it was ever really that common at all.

I think the prevalence of dating in the U.S. is overstated a lot of the time. The way most people get together is the same way that Australians and Europeans describe it. You meet someone through some mutual channel and start doing things in groups and then alone. I don't know many men that just ask out females that they don't already know to a fancy dinner although you can in some contexts and some people do it.



This seems to be the general consensus from the Americans. I think its kind of funny that Australians and Europeans apparently think it works differently here.

[Acsenray]

Yeah, it seems to me that the only major difference is that outside the U.S. there can arise an assumption that after only a handful of "dates," there is an exclusive relationship. I agree with those who say that in the U.S. the assumption is that there is no exclusivity until monogamy has been explicitly agreed upon.

[Musicat]

If you consider the 1930s-40s a "culture," my mother claimed she and my Dad never dated. Sure, they went to events as a couple, like church and revival meetings, and spent a lot of time together, but never "dated" before getting married. Seems the term was too libertine for fundamentalist Christians, as it implied a relationship far too intimate and ungodlike compared to "courtship."

[SecretaryofEvil]

This is all interesting. To me, "dating" means seeing someone for the purposes of getting to know them to see if a relationship between the two of you might work. I acknowledge that for a large number of people, it means getting together to do something and then have sex either at the end of the first "date" night or one of the dates soon thereafter; generally this results in the man moving on to "date" someone else." You might initially meet at a bar or a party or the grocery store and exchange contact info or arrange to meet somewhere soon again. That second meeting is a "date." Then you might arrange to meet somewhere else again, or you might meet at one of your homes and go somewhere from there. That is also a "date." This might continue for a little while. Once you determine that you want to have a relationship with that person, you aren't exactly "dating" anymore--you're in a relationship, with all that that entails.


I have found that since my divorce, the men I have "dated" aren't interested in having an exclusive relationship and want to be free to date (and sleep with) whomever they want, when they want. Many of my female friends are also finding this to be true, but not all of them; some have found men who actually have committed to being exclusive and monogamous with them. The people I refer to are, in general, middle-aged (40s and 50s), although the same seems to be true for my friends in their 20s and 30s as well.


I think this must be a generational thing. The way dating works in my social circle, (20s, middle class, northeastern U.S.) is that you start off being friends with a girl or doing the group thing. You do a little bit a of flirting to test the waters. If there's mutual attraction you progress to making out then sex. Once you do that a couple of times, you have the talk about whether you want to be exclusive with with each other. If the people decide that they don't want to be exclusive with each other they usually stop hooking up physically. Although sometimes they decide to do the no strings attached friends with benefits deal.

I seriously doubt that European and Australian women don't also occasionally have trouble getting men to make serious commitments to them. Exclusive relationships seem to be pretty common to me. Maybe you're picking men based on the wrong attributes. Or maybe you are sending up some sort of red flags of your own that are discouraging men from wanting to get too seriously involved with you.

[DianaG]

Or maybe, when you get out of your 20s, you need a better reason to be exclusive with someone than that you conveniently already know them and are reasonably sexually compatible.

[Zsofia]

I'd definitely say that in person among a circle of acquaintances there is no more "dating" in the US - you go out with your group and then you're a couple. However, the increasing prevalence of meeting people online does result in dating - you don't know them, so you go on dates with them. Which seem a little weird and old fashioned. Of course I haven't done it in six years, being long-term with the last guy I did it with, so I may be out of date. So to speak.

[SecretaryofEvil]

Or maybe, when you get out of your 20s, you need a better reason to be exclusive with someone than that you conveniently already know them and are reasonably sexually compatible.

Well she said that her friends in her 20s agreed with her. The OP is out of her 20s and seems to think a few dates is a good enough reason for exclusivity. I suppose there's just a lot of different opinions on these types of things.

[Nava]

To me, arranging to meet that person another night for lunch or drinks is considered a "date."

That's the thing, I'm not used to that in Spain. In the US it's how the dance is (traditionally) danced, here it's more of a group thing. The details vary by region: in most places, it's often a matter of couples meeting when one of them joins the other one's group of friends, or of getting both groups of friends to go to the same places, perhaps eventually merge. In Euskadi, usually it's boys-groups and girls-groups, and never the twain shall merge: meet, yes, merge not even after half a group of boys has married and had children with half of a group of girls.

My brother and his wife were considered "a couple" for close to 7 years before they got married. He'd gone to her house for the first time before she'd even accepted that well, ok, her friends were right and he was indeed her boyfriend (he and his BFF had gone to pick her up and Bro's future parents-in-law had made them go in); they'd been alone there for the first time a month after she had (and almost given her mother a heart attack when the parental units returned "early" and found them in the kitchen, where Bro was cooking - and as Bro says "I really wonder what kind of dumb did they think we were, if we'd wanted to use a bed we wouldn't'a needed to do it in their house!"); they went out on their own... uh... never? I do know some couples who "went on a date", with a show/movie and dinner at a posh place: once they were married, as an anniversary celebration.

I went to quite a few dates in the US, there guys didn't propose group activities until after we'd gone on a few.

[Acsenray]

While the "group thing" is certainly normal on the U.S., it's generally the field of younger people. Once people start working and getting married, few people have much time for the group thing often enough to makeit the exclusive way of meeting prospective partners.

[DianaG]

Also, by the end of your twenties, you tend to have worked your way through the group. ;)

[MichaelEmouse]

Also, by the end of your twenties, you tend to have worked your way through the group. ;)

"worked", is that what they call it? 'Cuz that would be helpful next time my boss asks if I've been working.







Since starting from a group of friends seems to be the norm, how does one transition from "we're part of a group of friends" to "we're interested in sex/romance" in a way that's both smooth and reduces the chances of misunderstandings?

[kapri]

Few if any middle-aged people do the "dating in a group" thing. I do have a group of friends, and there are a few single men in the group, but let's just say they're single for a reason. If an appealing eligible man joined the group, there would be a lot of competition for his affection--so much that the group might no longer be a group.

Most of my friends have resigned themselves to online dating or to staying home wondering where the single men are. Don't get me wrong--we have full lives and aren't moaning that we don't have a man. But once in a while we want one, and they don't seem to be around. The single men I know are happy to be single and prefer dating around but not settling down. This has been going on or years; it seems few of them are interested in a "relationship," while most of the women I know are. And many of the single men in their 50s and even 60s I know want to date women who are 20 and 30 years younger than them--but that's a different story. I often get attention from men in their 70s who are only a few years older than my father, or from men in their 20s and 30s, who seem too young to me. But that's another story, too.

[put down the sabre]

Great line by an American columnist in (I think) the Guardian that sums up how British people do it: drunkenly meet a party or bar, drunkenly have sex, then either move in together or never speak to each other again.

Pretty accurate in my experience.

pdts

[Acsenray]

So, the British equivalent of "dating" is "getting drunk."

[msmith537]

My "culture", such as it is, would be described as highly educated upper middle class urban professional types.

In college, people typically didn't "date". For the most part we would just gather at bars or fraternity parties and "hook up" with varying degrees of success. If you liked the person, you might hook up again. The idea of meeting someone, going on a bunch of formal "dates" and then deciding if you wanted to have sex with them seemed a little strange. Although that is not to say that every first hookup resulted in sex.

Kids in the 80s and 90s when I was in high school / college did "go steady" in concept, although the term was pretyy dated. Usually we just called it "going out" or the other person was your "boyfriend/girlfriend". This condition presumed monogamy.

Some conceptual levels of relationships:
A "hook up" - basically a one night stand with someone you may or may not ever see again.

"Booty call" - Repeated hook up with the same person with no prerequisite condition for emotional attachment or monogamy

"Friend with benefits" - Basically a relationship with the commitment of a booty call but more emotional attachment.

"Dating" - Presumes some level of serious relationship with at least some intent to explore a deeper commitment or end the relationship. In comparison, the previous levels of relationships can sort of string along with no commitment indefinitely.

"On again / off again" - Indicates a serious level of commitment intent, but an inability to fully commit to either marriage or ending the relationship. Typically the relationship will be dysfunctional on some level.

"Boyfriend/girlfriend" - Basically a traditional monogamous relationship where at least the intention is to naturally progress from a series of dates to living together, marriage ("fiance"), etc on a typical timeline.