Summertime Sequential Threads

[ugly ripe tomato]

This morning I learned never to wear underwear to a hospital
Because the Straight Dope tells me so - things learned from the Dope.


Numquam ubi sub ubi!

[Malleus, Incus, Stapes!]

Me so hungry!

Cute newborn kittens...

:eek:

[Ludovic]

If you had to create odds for how the world ends?
Proctology.....

Yeah, I definitely know where my odds would be pulled from.

[Malacandra]

What is the most difficult sport to figure out?
Anyone for a game of Mornington Crescent?

[Jackmannii]

Proctology.....
Non-major theme park stuff I have to see in the Orlando area.

Sorry kids, it looks like Mickey's going to be out of action for awhile.

[Jackmannii]

How does one learn to sell cars?
"Mandatory" parole?

That explains a lot about car salesmen.

[Jackmannii]

Racoons under our shed
Is this a serious academic paper?

Of course. But it'll look more professional if titled "Raccoons Under Our Shed: A Case Report And Review Of the Literature".

[Nobody]

My SIL Is The Shizzle Fo Rizzle!
Unfortunate names of real people

I'm so, so sorry.

[Hypno-Toad]

So there's a baby starling in the asparagus fern by the bathtub...
Stateless baby finally given Irish citizenship

[Jackmannii]

Congressman Anthony Weiner: My Twitter account was hacked! The weiner photo is not mine!
Lies people tell

[Annie-Xmas]

Tell me about great lengths you've gone to to avoid irritating people
Jack Kevorkian dead at age 83

By killing them.

[ugly ripe tomato]

State of Emergency declared in Massachusetts

Apparently, my interview skills are not just bad, but Lovecraftian


"So what are your 5-year career goals?

TO RELEASE YOG SOSOTH UPON THE LAND AND WREAK HAVOC!!!"

[Hypno-Toad]

Oddball sensory pleasures
Proctology.....

[tdn]

What ever happened to that guy....?
Question about Facebook

That's pretty much why it's there.

[Jackmannii]

What food you would expect at a casual summer wedding?
I want to gain weight

Hey, where'd the cake go?

[Der Trihs]

People who don't clean up their doggie poop
Human skin is basically leather

"If that idiot doesn't clean up after his dog one more time...I know where I'm getting my new boots."


Human skin is basically leather
Recurring Dream about my deceased father

You know that stylish handcrafted leather jacket your Mom gave you for Christmas? Well...it turns out you're haunted, and that Mom and Dad didn't get along as well as you thought.

[MEBuckner]

From GQ:

What took longest to invent?
War cows

Despite the fact that cows have been domesticated for millennia, DARPA just rolled out the world's first war cow last month. First deployments in Afghanistan are expected in early 2012.

[Jackmannii]

People who don't clean up their doggie poop
You're in a desert, walking along in the sand, when all of a sudden you look down...

[Nobody]

Human Resources suck cock in hell.
Workplace griping, anyone?

Uhm, yeah...bosses suck too!

[Johnny L.A.]

Christian stance on sex
Attorney-Client Privilege

It's OK for Christian attorneys to screw their clients.

[Johnny L.A.]

Spiders. Hundreds of spiders.
Too mini for the BBQ Pit...a rant

Damned things keep falling through the grill! :mad:

[Nobody]

Spiders. Hundreds of spiders.
Too mini for the BBQ Pit...a rant

Damned things keep falling through the grill! :mad:
You just reminded me of something that happened years ago. I was heating up a burner on a stove, when a moth flew in under the burner and then died trying to get back out.

[Nobody]

Alcoholic neighbor driving around
1 Gurkha soldier vs. 30 Taliban

Well, the alcohol explains where he gets his courage from.

[Der Trihs]

1 Gurkha soldier vs. 30 Taliban
Spiders. Hundreds of spiders.

Looks like the odds just got worse. Although The Gurkha Versus the Spiders sounds like it would have made for a great B&W monster movie.

[Jackmannii]

My cat is fat, pt III
Spiders. Hundreds of spiders.

It's hard to stop at one bowl of Frisky's Spider Buffet.

[Mahaloth]

Alcoholic neighbor driving around

We need more kids like this!

[Malacandra]

What's for dinner tonight?
Coleslaw turned to Sauerkraut

Yuck!

[Jackmannii]

Staying Single into Old Age
To those about to Wed: some advice

Wait till you're 75 - then you'll know it's love and not them teeny-bopper hormones.

[Ludovic]

Neutron star material brough to earth - Why does it expand?
Massive student loans

Yup, if it weren't for the gravity of the loans, it would surely stay compact.

[Hypno-Toad]

Tunes The Beatles MIGHT Have Done (Covered)
"I had to throw it back because it was starting to stink"<--from what?


From the White Album, I believe.

[Jackmannii]

Tunes The Beatles MIGHT Have Done (Covered)
"I had to throw it back because it was starting to stink"<--from what?


From the White Album, I believe.No, that was "Why Don't We Run Over It In The Road".

[Jackmannii]

Songs you used to like until you really listened to the lyrics
In the year 2525....

Yeah, I thought it was fantabulous until I figured out what they were singing. :dubious:

[Jackmannii]

What took longest to invent?
Wood for a boat?

"Neanderthal make boat from stones, dirt, bones - all sink! What you mean, make from wood? You very stupid!"

[Ludovic]

What kind of driving offers the best fuel economy per time?
War cows

Yup, they don't use ANY gasoline!

[Harmonious Discord]

Write Sarah Palin's Next History Lecture
My niece has run off and joined the circus!

What kind of fighting does the Danish Army do...
Real or fake flyby?

[Ludovic]

What's for dinner tonight?
So I just tried Kraft Dinner for the first time.

I'm sorry.

[EvilTOJ]

moderate, rather humble earthquake
Spiders. Hundreds of spiders.


:eek: They've been released from the pits of hell! :eek:

[Der Trihs]

To All My Doper Friends: Mission Accomplished!
Man (or alien?) made structure on Mars?

Ha! Suck it up, NASA!


What kind of fighting does the Danish Army do...
War cows

Udderly invincible.

[Jackmannii]

Daddy is watching the children.
I may sleep for 16 straight hours

Little gremlins give you a rough time, Mama?

[Ludovic]

Things that make you feel old
War cows

yup, in my day we rode warhorses, dammit!

[Ludovic]

What were Hitler’s long-term goals?
Poison Ivy exposure

He definitely preferred it to poison gas exposure.

[Jackmannii]

What were Hitler’s long-term goals?
Scotland leaving UK?

"I annex Scotland, and ultimate control of the world's haggis is mine! MINE!!!"

[Ludovic]

Tell me about great lengths you've gone to to avoid irritating people
E. Coli-tainted Vegetables

Yup, I don't have to wonder if I'm too loud if the downstairs neighbors are dead.

[Jackmannii]

Is this joke funny?
Whatever happened to that guy?

Ha ha ha! That is a real knee-slapper.

Funniest thing said without an audience to appreciate it
Gah! GAAAAAH! (the biggest ant I've ever seen)

Please tell me you don't do stand-up for a living.

[Ludovic]

Sarah Palin: Paul Revere warned the British
Spiders. Hundreds of spiders.

They may be your mortal enemy, but it's just common decency to warn them about things like that.

[Nobody]

Congressman Anthony Weiner: My Twitter account was hacked! The weiner photo is not mine!
Funniest thing said without an audience to appreciate it

No audience? There were reporters and everything.

[Ludovic]

What were Hitler’s long-term goals?
Human evolution


Yeah, basically.

[Hypno-Toad]

No-touch male orgasm/ejaculation, how does it happen?
How to clean car windshield?

You must REALLY like driving!

[Tapioca Dextrin]

Your cures for constipation? No jokes please
Ben Stein's new movie Expelled

[ugly ripe tomato]

Tell me about great lengths you've gone to to avoid irritating people

"You Are Currently the Only Person in this Country"

yep, that'd do it

[Jackmannii]

When are all of us good people gonna finally get together and murder all the bad people?
Poll: Do the surnames Farrell and Ferrell sound the same to you?

Close enough! We need to knock off all of 'em to make sure of getting Will Ferrell.

[Ludovic]

Jerseyisms
When are all of us good people gonna finally get together and murder all the bad people?

Yeah, me and da boys are good people, does other guys? Fuggeddaboutit.

[Jackmannii]

Dark pop songs
Why the American desire for happy endings?

By popular demand, here's the revised version of a golden oldie classic:

I pulled her out and she was safe
But she went running back
Fortunately, the train broke down.

Sorry, but that sucks.

[Hypno-Toad]

How do restaurants keep their ground beef clean?
55 Gallon Can Dispenser

[Jackmannii]

Dick with a time machine in an alternate timeline.
You got your doctorate in what?

Dickitude. I'm a PhDick. Got a problem with that?

[Nobody]

Weiner's wife is Pregnant!
Is Weiner finished?

I guess it depends on if he and his wife want more kids or not.

[Hypno-Toad]

Master chefs; How would you prepare human meat?
Casseroles for the bereaved

The funeral was sad. But the cold cuts were great!

[Ludovic]

How many slang terms we think of for being on drugs?
Ask the Pastured Poultry Farmer

Man, I did so many lines of milk the other night, I got totally pastured!

[Jackmannii]

What's this swishing sound coming from my new (used) computer?
Male sex drive INcreasing with age?

Overstimulation of your computer's sex drive is common in older Gateway models, especially if you visit lots of porn sites. Reboot and you'll be fine.

[Annie-Xmas]

Is Weiner finished?
Should Victims of Adultery Be Favoured?

I'm waiting on Mrs. Weiner divorce settlement

[Annie-Xmas]

Sarah Palin: Paul Revere warned the British
Dick with a time machine in an alternate timeline.

No commentary needed.

[Johnny L.A.]

What were Hitler’s long-term goals?
Non-reversible screws in bathroom stalls

I knew it! :mad:

[ugly ripe tomato]

What an incredibly shitty week this is
You're a Dick With a Time Machine-what do you do?

I'd think it would be obvious...

[Hypno-Toad]

How do restaurants keep their ground beef clean?
A Question Regarding e coli Evolution

[Jackmannii]

Ask the guy who engaged in adult behaviors and got beatdowns in middleschool & Didn't feel bullied.
You're a Dick With a Time Machine-what do you do?

Go back and beat up that kid, obviously.

[Ludovic]

The Earth now has 95% of its former gravity, what happens?
Human evolution

[Jackmannii]

The saddest song in the world
Martinis: I drink 'em with Vodka. Feels wrong. Gin-educate me.

Sad, but I'm still gonna vote for "One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer".

[Nobody]

Is Weiner finished?
A murderous ABC
Wiener debate be different if he's independent?

If he was independent then ABC wouldn't be trying to kill him.

[Ludovic]

Is this normal or disgusting? (Office men's room; gross)
ËÈÊÂÈÄÀÖÈß ÞÂÅËÈÐÍÎÃÎ ÌÀÃÀÇÈÍÀ

That's one vote for "eldritch horror from cacophilic dimensions", I take it.

[Nobody]

Fun things to do while visiting New Orleans?
Heaven and hell found!

Wow, visiting heaven and hell does sound like fun.

[Ludovic]

From CNN.com's front page:

What NOT to do in Dublin
Hike naked in Germany

[Jackmannii]

Ninjas are tired. Pirates are played out. What's next?
Going to Romania this summer- ideas?

Well, that whole Transylvania thing is a bit cliched too.

[Annie-Xmas]

Do you know what the word nonplussed means?
ËÈÊÂÈÄÀÖÈß ÞÂÅËÈÐÍÎÃÎ ÌÀÃÀÇÈÍÀ

[Jackmannii]

sex and sneezing
Acupuncture?
Solar left out of the equation?

Alright, but if acupuncture and sunbathing don't work, our relationship is kaput, baby.

[Der Trihs]

Is this a serious academic paper?
ËÈÊÂÈÄÀÖÈß ÞÂÅËÈÐÍÎÃÎ ÌÀÃÀÇÈÍÀ

That's...that's not a paper from Miskatonic University, is it? Please say it isn't....what's that at the window?!

[Nobody]

Do you know what the word nonplussed means?
"Life-changing announcement"

No, sorry, but that's not it.

[Ludovic]

Obama's New Boner: The Falkland Islands
The Koch Oil Speculation kingdom

Fine, but can we talk about Koch's new boner?

[Ludovic]

Obama's New Boner: The Falkland Islands
Is Weiner finished?


Both of those threads will be the gift that keeps on giving.

[Annie-Xmas]

Because the Straight Dope tells me so - things learned from the Dope.
ËÈÊÂÈÄÀÖÈß ÞÂÅËÈÐÍÎÃÎ ÌÀÃÀÇÈÍÀ

[Jackmannii]

Worshiping Satan: A question for true believers
What would have happened if Bush's SS privatization had passed?

We welcome all forms of Evil. However, tempting Mitt Romney into sending nude cellphone photos to his campaign interns is a higher priority.

[Nobody]

Poll: Adults Ordering Off The Kids Menu
What to mix with Coconut rum? (minimal citrus, please!)

Kids get to drink coconut rum at restaurants? :eek: Is this a poll about French restaurants?

[Nobody]

Song lyrics you don't understand or don't make sense
Book of Mormon soundtrack - $1.99 this weekend!

What the hell are they singing about?

[Harmonious Discord]

PSA: Fellas, pull up your pants & put down the phone
Women - What Embarrassing Thing Couldn't You Do When You Were Pregnant?

Stupid Corporate Buzzword - 'Learnings'
How many slang terms we think of for being on drugs?

"Life-changing announcement"
Hey neighbor - stay away from our trap!

Now you know they like you.

[Der Trihs]

Ninjas are tired. Pirates are played out. What's next?
Do you know any Teabaggers?

Um, no. Those guys aren't ever going to be cool.


What's the best way for a traveler to spend money in Italy?
Stuff known as "The [blank]"

"What are you trying to sell me?"

"You know...the blank..."

[Jackmannii]

People who haven't learned a common skill
Poll: OK now - which *arm* goes on top?

[Jackmannii]

Poll: Would it bother you if a gay friend sees you (or your wife/parnter) breastfeed?
What's this white crud on my chair?

[Nobody]

People who haven't learned a common skill
Do you know any Teabaggers?

I don't think that teabagging is all that common.

Or...

Do you know any Teabaggers?
Exercise for the uncordinated and out of shape

And down and squat and one, two, three, four...

[ugly ripe tomato]

We have a magic chair that can cause anyone who sits in it to tell the truth. Should we use it?

Poll: Have you ever taken photos of your genitals and sent them to someone else?

Do it. DOOOO IIIIIIT!

[Johnny L.A.]

From the Forums page:

Would this annoy you?
ËÈÊÂÈÄÀÖÈß ÞÂÅËÈÐÍÎÃÎ ÌÀÃÀÇÈÍÀ

[CalMeacham]

Exercise for the uncordinated and out of shape

Would this annoy you?





Only if the floor shook too much.

[Jackmannii]

It's perfectly legal for women to walk around New York City topless. Yet so few do?
What are your little body mutations?

See, it's judgmental people like you that keep women from going topless.

[Der Trihs]

What are your little body mutations?
ËÈÊÂÈÄÀÖÈß ÞÂÅËÈÐÍÎÃÎ ÌÀÃÀÇÈÍÀ

Ah. You've got that whole "spawn of eldritch abomination" thing going on.

[Nobody]

A murderous ABC
A ransomous ABCDE

This can only lead to an apocalyptic ABCDEFGH :eek:.

[Jackmannii]

Things that make you feel old
What are your little body mutations?

I was self-conscious about having the head of Newt Gingrich growing out of my shoulder. On the up side, at the the-a-ter they give me the senior discount automatically.

[Ludovic]

A question for guys
Would this annoy you?
Jobless Folks Who Stand At Intersections With Signs

Yup. Probably annoys women, too.

[Der Trihs]

What are your little body mutations?
I Was The First Person In My Town/Neighborhood To Have A (Fill In Blank}

Tentacle? Third eye? Tail? Eyestalks? Glow in the dark tongue?

[Annie-Xmas]

Poll: Have you ever taken photos of your genitals and sent them to someone else?
A question for guys
What should I know about getting a guinea pig?

Of course, the last one would be funnier with "gerbil"

[Jackmannii]

Poll: Have you ever taken photos of your genitals and sent them to someone else?
Poll: Where and when do you contribute to charity?

Hey, those are valuable photos and I get to take huge deductions on my taxes.

[Jackmannii]

Is beard color inherited exclusivly from the father?
When Did Images of Jesus First Become Popular

[CalMeacham]

ËÈÊÂÈÄÀÖÈß ÞÂÅËÈÐÍÎÃÎ ÌÀÃÀÇÈÍÀ

Teach cursive or not anymore?




Not if you're going to use "words" like that.

[saje]

Which infamous person do you find attractive

nuh nuh nuh nuh... nuh nuh nuh nuh... Elmo's World


:p

[Ludovic]

Just what are scientists looking for?
Is there a way to track a stolen Ipod 4G?

If so, scientists would like to know!

[Ludovic]

Lovecraftian state nicknames
ËÈÊÂÈÄÀÖÈß ÞÂÅËÈÐÍÎÃÎ ÌÀÃÀÇÈÍÀ

[Jackmannii]

Worshiping Satan: A question for true believers
I'm trying to understand Republicans, but I just can't

What's to understand? They get unlimited hot coals, discount cruises on the lake of fire with John Boehner and Sarah Palin - the perks are endless.

[Harmonious Discord]

Joplin tornado update ATTN HeyHomie
Another shocking government oversight! (Zombies)

[CalMeacham]

It's perfectly legal for women to walk around New York City topless. Yet so few do?

The "somebody has to start it" MMP





All we are saying is Give Toplessness A Chance1

[Jackmannii]

sex and sneezing
knuckle cracking

Hell, pass gas, make armpit noises, trim your toenails, whatever. It just adds to the experience.

[Harmonious Discord]

I Was The First Person In My Town/Neighborhood To Have A (Fill In Blank}
Women has face transplant after Chimpanzee attack

Top that.

Anybody Remember "Stewart Sandwiches"?
This is your business..............how?

Fine, just forget I asked. Somebody's touchy today.

[Nobody]

What would have happened if Bush's SS privatization had passed?
A murderous ABC

:eek:

[Nobody]

Bachmann announces she's running
Obama sees handwriting on the wall

Yeah, now that Bachmann is running, it's all over. Why even have a race? Just swear her in. :D

[Der Trihs]

Trans-Atlantic travel with an infant
Last week, I was hospitalized after a suicide attempt

Coincidence?! I think not!


Embassy Bomber Killed!
TRlUMPHANT RETURN, MOTHERFUCKERS

AHHHH!! Zombie bomber!!

[Ludovic]

What features distinguish different ethnicities?
"Old Camel Knees"

[Harmonious Discord]

What are your little body mutations?
"I can't even move my f'ing knees but I still kick it all day"

[ugly ripe tomato]

I'm Fine With Divorcing, But This Part Sucks...

I Have Kidney Stones.

jeesh, talk about adding insult to injury!

[Jackmannii]

What should I get Kim Kardashian for her wedding?
Last week, I was hospitalized after a suicide attempt

I'm sure she appreciates the gesture, but how about a nice e-card instead?

[Jackmannii]

Trans-Atlantic travel with an infant
I'm burned out and I haven't even started yet!

[Hypno-Toad]

Give me your recommendations on planning a trip to Disney
I smell a rat. IRS related

Rat, Mouse. Same thing.

[Jackmannii]

Alleged evidence for Bible's veracity
Just what are scientists looking for?

We want miracles. Like a whopping NIH grant, no strings attached.

[Der Trihs]

there's juice in there! (electrical question)
What's the latest dope on female "squirting?"

Apparently, electricity is involved somehow...

[Der Trihs]

Qin Shi Huangdi, what is your pupose?
I wish to declare war on a foreign country.

I'm fairly sure that using the SDMB for conquest is a bannable offense, just saying.

[Jackmannii]

Need opinion of those who have/had trouble conceiving
Poll: How many have never had a relationship?

Well, that's an immaculate demographic.

[ugly ripe tomato]

Qin Shi Huangdi, what is your pupose?
I wish to declare war on a foreign country.

I'm fairly sure that using the SDMB for conquest is a bannable offense, just saying.

Qin Shi Huangdi, what is your pupose?
Nuclear meltdown! Holy Godzilla NOOOO!!!

Shoot, the kid's trying to become the next Dr. Doom! :D

[MEBuckner]

My uncle gave away his cat...
Too Honest

"Fluffy, do these pants make my ass look big?"
"Mrrow, your ass makes those pants look big. Gimme some tuna."

[Johnny L.A.]

Have you ever been called out for PDA?
Caught naked!

Public displays of affection should not, in polite society, include the removal of clothing.

[Der Trihs]

I wish to declare war on a foreign country.
Stupid Republican idea of the day

Again?!

[Der Trihs]

акриловые ванны
We're coming to America!
ËÈÊÂÈÄÀÖÈß ÞÂÅËÈÐÍÎÃÎ ÌÀÃÀÇÈÍÀ

"Look Betty! Illegal aliens! Damned Martians!" <cocks shotgun>


What do we, as a society, do about pedophilia?
Armenian genocide: open and shut case, or no?

No, I really don't think massacring the Armenians will stop pedophilia...


Is Weiner finished?
Flogging in place of imprisonment

A little harsh for e-mailing a crotch shot, I think.

[Harmonious Discord]

Officials dump 7,200,000 gallons of reservoir water. Idiots
Detroit gets dumped on yet again

Real Life Meetings of Members
"Grandparent Scam" advisory

[Annie-Xmas]

Love the headline! Disgusted Democrats letting Weiner shrivel
Caught naked!

[Jackmannii]

Poll: You're convected of a crime. Would you prefer a flogging or jail?
Should I ask out my coworker?

If the judge gives you that option, sure, go for it. How bad could it possibly be? :dubious:

[Harmonious Discord]

U.S. funding stealth Internets to circumvent repressive regimes
Lurkers: Say something

[Harmonious Discord]

June Weight Loss Thread
Skin tag removal

Huge skin tag or desperation.

Estimated Time Until Our Asses Get Kicked Out
The "somebody has to start it" MMP

Damn drunks.

[Nobody]

Feel Good Friday: Today I Smiled Because (Your Replies Wanted)
I'm taking care of a tiny baby kitten tonight!

[Nobody]

Fellow slang aficionados
ËÈÊÂÈÄÀÖÈß ÞÂÅËÈÐÍÎÃÎ ÌÀÃÀÇÈÍÀ

If you know what I mean.

[Johnny L.A.]

Anyone Implant Their Pets With Tracking Devices?
Headbutting Dog???

Headbutting Dog finds you!

[Johnny L.A.]

Pronounce 'cum laude'
"...or else it gets the hose again". What's the hose?

[Jackmannii]

To the SDMB Writer-Types- How Would You Feel About This?
What's the longest you've gone without pooping?

When you said you had "writer's block", I never imagined...

[Harmonious Discord]

What Does A Chauffeur Do?
The disappearance of Lauren Spierer

Oh! A mob chauffeur.

[Harmonious Discord]

Neat trick I found in Chrome
Skin tag removal

[Johnny L.A.]

Just read an e-mail from my mother
Someone in our house is going to die

[Zeldar]

Just saw these in a "New Posts" list back to back:

Are women less sexual than men?
2ManyTacos
Today 08:00 PM
by Shalmanese
8 216
In My Humble Opinion

Should I move in with my father?
rhubarbarin
Today 07:58 PM
by Two Many Cats
3 53
Mundane Pointless Stuff I Must Share (MPSIMS)

[Hypno-Toad]

Should I move in with my father?
I'm Baaa-aaaack!


Fellow slang aficionados
Let them eat poop!

Hey, it's just an expression!

[Jackmannii]

How do I get rid of Drain Flies?
name this ancient weapon

It's a blunderbuss! Aieeeee!!!

[Jackmannii]

How should a teacher communicate that a child is using inappropriate language?
Landline phone

Lots better than shouting across the supermarket. "Hey Mr. Weasel! Your kid said FUCK YOU ten times today!!"

[Walther Ego]

New posts:

You're a Dick With a Time Machine-what do you do?
Summertime Sequential Threads

I don't know, it sounds too easy with a time machine.

[EvilTOJ]

Dear Sump Pump,
Should I move in with my father?

Look, I'm just a lowly sump pump, but I think it's a bad idea.

[UncleRojelio]

Super 8 is great! (boxed spoilers)
Super 8 is super lame (open spoilers)

Inevitable I know but still funny.

[Wheelz]

Would you fuck/date/marry an (ex)stripper/prostitute/phone sex operator/porn actor/other sex worker?
Your most "Bang for the buck" purchase

Yes, the lifetime membership is usually the best deal.

[Ludovic]

Witty, and/or politically correct, phrases to demand silence from loquacious individuals.
"Do No Eat Raw Cake Batter"

Eh, needs a little work IMO.

[Jackmannii]

Regarding the sensation in one's balls looking down from high places
Why was the Air Campaign against Japan so successful

They didn't look down?

[Harmonious Discord]

Witty, and/or politically correct, phrases to demand silence from loquacious individuals.
I just ended my relationship with my mentally ill mother.

Neighbors burglar alarm has been sounding for a solid week
I'm Baaa-aaaack!

It's about time. Shut off the the fucking alarm.

Bubble Tea Neti Pot (ouch)
Not Reeaaaally [connection between weight and what you eat]

You should not eat the contents of the Neti Pot.:p

What Would the Straight Dope Do? (Dating advice)
Would you fuck/date/marry an (ex)stripper/prostitute/phone sex operator/porn actor/other sex worker?

Maybe you should ask this on a porn site.

[MEBuckner]

Witty, and/or politically correct, phrases to demand silence from loquacious individuals.
For the Doper Parents - "Go the F@%k to sleep"

[Annie-Xmas]

Normal things you refuse to do on a plane
Think back to the first person you had sex with. Were the two of you in love?

No, but we joined the Mile High Club

[Hypno-Toad]

What movies or books do you take the "wrong" thing away from?
Gayest Scene in a Non-Gay Film

Parents, "Wow, I wish someone had warned me about that!"
I told you so!

[Hypno-Toad]

What will really happen if Texas passes the TSA anti-groping bill?
Think back to the first person you had sex with. Were the two of you in love?

It was great until I said she was "Da Bomb."

[MEBuckner]

Great Debates:

Why is counterfeiting so prevalent in China?
Glen Beck

[Harmonious Discord]

Estimated Time Until Our Asses Get Kicked Out
Food Wars (Parents vs Children)

Two minutes until the cops are called. Ten minutes for them to get there.

"Do No Eat Raw Cake Batter"
How are people so stupid?

No food safety education.

[Jackmannii]

What's it like living in the Seattle area?
"Do No Eat Raw Cake Batter"

Yeah, it's just a bunch of metrosexuals poring over cake mix labels.

[Hypno-Toad]

Good Horror Movies?
Thigh Massage Video?

[Jackmannii]

Dogs running loose in my neighbourhood - how do I protect myself walking?
Why were so many dinosaurs (especially predators) bipedal?

The better to scare the crap out of bad-tempered pit bulls.

[Hypno-Toad]

How long could you remain master of your domain?
Can you recommend any good self-help books?

No no. The whole point is to NOT help yourself!

[Jackmannii]

Is it okay to fart in front of other people at work?
An atheist head of state?

There's no better way to resign your post.

"Mr. President, I can no longer work for a godless man. (pbthbth)

[EvilTOJ]

I'm Ryan Dunn and this is the 150mph fiery car crash.
My dad is a trainwreck

And your mother's a plane crash.

[Nobody]

You're gonna hate me, but...
We Have Pigeon Eggs

:eek: You monster!

[longPath]

I'm Ryan Dunn and this is the 150mph fiery car crash.
How are people so stupid?

this shit writes itself.

[Hypno-Toad]

How long could you remain master of your domain?
How long before the Taliban takes over again in Afghanistan?

I WAS master of my domain. But then the Taliban took over.

[Annie-Xmas]

What happened to saxophones in rock?
Songs to live (and die) for

Very vaguely creepy to see this right after Clarence Clemmons's death

[Jackmannii]

Actual people named in songs
Songs about Apartheid

P.W. Botha
such a dirty motha

Sadly, the "Apartheid Boogie" failed to make much of an impact on the charts.

[Hypno-Toad]

What Are You Cooking Now?
Kelp Buds, Plankton Loaf and Sea Berries.

All kept harvest-time fresh by Box.

[Ludovic]

What Are You Cooking Now?
Kelp Buds, Plankton Loaf and Sea Berries.

All kept harvest-time fresh by Box.Mmmmmm, I just love me some Proteins from the Sea.

[Sunspace]

Dogs running loose in my neighbourhood - how do I protect myself walking?
Could a human being eat dog and cat food and be healthy?

Not while walking.

[Hypno-Toad]

Mmmmmm, I just love me some Proteins from the Sea.

Just don't eat too much or you get the Logan Runs.

[Anne Neville]

What causes the variable delays in emails sent to me?
Butt hair

[Ludovic]

Is there a term to describe scenarios where an open market model wouldn't work
Meat made from human shit - does this count as cannibalism?

Maybe not, but I'm not buying it.

[Cat Whisperer]

Dogs running loose in my neighbourhood - how do I protect myself walking?
Why were so many dinosaurs (especially predators) bipedal?

The better to scare the crap out of bad-tempered pit bulls.That would solve my problem - walking with a t-rex. :D


What Are You Cooking Now?
Butt hair

At least, that's what it smells like. :)

[Jackmannii]

What are some REALLY obnoxious things people could do?
traveling with a toddler 20+ hours advice needed

You're off to a great start! Remember to bring his loudest toys, enlist your neighbors in sing-alongs and walk him up and down the aisle a lot.

[Jackmannii]

Lady Gaga denies Weird Al
Weird Al does Lady Ga Ga!

Weird Al does 30 years in Folsom, has success with parody of "Prisoners Of Love".

[elfkin477]

Everyone needs a hobby. How weird can they get?
Share your favorite "perfect murder" plans from fiction

[Nobody]

Books on Lebanese Civil War and Balkan Conflict?
Children's books that would make great live-action films

[Der Trihs]

Ketchup or Catsup?
It tastes like sin, why do people eat it?

Because there's nothing like slathering some nice delicious sin on something, mmmm....


Job seekers: how's it going?
Last week, I was hospitalized after a suicide attempt

Poorly, I take it.

[Ludovic]

What's the word for...
What would happen if a horse landed on top of you?

"Splat".

[Annie-Xmas]

You're gonna hate me, but...
ËÈÊÂÈÄÀÖÈß ÞÂÅËÈÐÍÎÃÎ ÌÀÃÀÇÈÍÀ

[Hypno-Toad]

ËÈÊÂÈÄÀÖÈß ÞÂÅËÈÐÍÎÃÎ ÌÀÃÀÇÈÍÀ
Unfortunate names of real people

Paging MR. ÌÀÃÀÇÈÍÀ.

[ugly ripe tomato]

Question for attorneys and politicians only

Could you live on meat and mushrooms?

[Jackmannii]

Straight Dope men--what's your idea of a perfect date?
14 year old daughter [boyfriend advice]

You sickie! Oh, you mean someone else's 14-year-old daughter, alrighty then. :dubious:

[CalMeacham]

What are some REALLY obnoxious things people could do?

Using math in the real world

[Jackmannii]

Death by a thousand cuts
Death by a thousand paper cuts.
Help me choose a UPS.

Yeah, let them wrap the freaking package.

[Malacandra]

What do you programmers do all day...
Job Related Hell

One reason why I'm never going back to IT.

[Ludovic]

How Bad Was It When You Could Smoke On Public Transit?
Ever shit your pants?

Must smelled really bad, eh?

[Johnny L.A.]

Cyclists 5'4" and under. What do you recommend?
Double-A batteries and panties

Ok, I can almost see where you're going with this...

[Nobody]

Pedestrian hit by car... where is his leg?
CPR class; a smackabout MMP

Damn, this class must be hardcore!

[MEBuckner]

From IMHO:

What's your toothbrush of choice?
It's Part of Me

Huh. I mean, I have a perfectly nice toothbrush, but I'm not really that passionate about it.

[EvilTOJ]

Silver lining of losing kitty...
Ever shit your pants?

I'm pretty sure that's not a silver lining!

[Malacandra]

With the "end of the world" in 2012 fast approaching, let's consider...
What will really happen if Texas passes the TSA anti-groping bill?

[Der Trihs]

Time has stopped in Canada's House of Commons - it's Thursday, June 23rd
I'm beginning to feel like it's all BS.

[ugly ripe tomato]

2011 Summer Postcard Exchange
The slow demise of the letter "E"


Nxt yar it will b "2012 Summr Postcard Xchang"

[Harmonious Discord]

Pedestrian hit by car... where is his leg?
Using math in the real world

You could have figured out the trajectory if you'd been better at math.

[Jackmannii]

Dogs running loose in my neighbourhood - how do I protect myself walking?
Where did the Longines Symphonette Society go?

That's it! Carry a victrola with you, put on any Longines Symphonette Society record, and the beasts will run away howling.

[Harmonious Discord]

I quit my job!!
Botox and emotions

What means this emoticon? >.<
We had to put our cat down today.

Tribe meets white man for the first time (video)
Tribe meets white man for the first time [1976 video]

[Johnny L.A.]

Ever shit your pants?
FOX News is centrist and Drudge Report leans to the left? Duh, winning!

Yeah, that's pretty shocking, all right.

[Nobody]

Why can't children consent to having sex?
Glen Beck

He's a bigger cock-blocker than Chris Hansen.

[EvilTOJ]

Grossest thing you've heard of in a while (warning, grossness ensues)
Bloody sandals!

:eek:

[Tapioca Dextrin]

What Am I?
Guy doing mushrooms

Sounds like guy doing too many 'shrooms to me

[Jackmannii]

Need travel advice! My trip to India might be unravelling!
Does it make sense to buy a car sight unseen 3,000 miles away?

"Owned by a little old lady from New Delhi who only drove it on weekends". Sounds like a sure thing to me. :cool:

[Nobody]

Do animals like porn
That's whack

You said it.

[Der Trihs]

How are people so stupid?
Cute newborn kittens...

Kitty! (http://xkcd.com/231/)


We had to put our cat down today.
Need alibi for giant gash on forehead/Share tales of conspicuous wounds earned while inebriated

What did you do to that poor cat while you were drunk?! :eek:

[Harmonious Discord]

Suggest make-up for a clown bride
Botox and emotions

You wouldn't want to spoil that giant mouth you draw on by being able to move your face.

Car Idles Low, Then Stalls
Direction of the big bang

The back fire will usually be from the rear of the car where most cars have the tail pipe.

Car was turned off but radio still turned on. How?
Car Problem: Key stuck in ignition

[CalMeacham]

With the "end of the world" in 2012 fast approaching, let's consider...

Is The Withdrawal of Surge Troops A Mistake

[Der Trihs]

Ever shit your pants?
Weird car shit

You should've worn your pants while driving.


Time has stopped in Canada's House of Commons - it's Thursday, June 23rd.
2011 Summer Postcard Exchange

Living in Canada means never having to buy new postcards!

[Malacandra]

With the "end of the world" in 2012 fast approaching, let's consider...
Will the US become like Europe this century?

They'll need to get a move on.


Electric clocks may no longer keep accurate time
What time you got? (Update)

Eleven twenty-five, give or take...

[Nobody]

Been butt-dialed lately?
Synonyms For Being Fired, You Never Knew

Pack your stuff, you're getting butt-dialed.
Say what?
We no longer require your services so you're getting butt-dialed.
:confused:

[Jackmannii]

Electric clocks may no longer keep accurate time
Zipper Keeps Falling Down

Will you stop it with this shit? It is not the Apocalypse!

[Nobody]

Man robs bank for $1 just so he can get health care in jail !
I pit easy Libertarian thinking

[Sunspace]

Time has stopped in Canada's House of Commons - it's Thursday, June 23rd.
2011 Summer Postcard Exchange

Living in Canada means never having to buy new postcards!Apparently. :(

Postal strike will be over Tuesday... The damage and vindictiveness is just starting.

[Jackmannii]

What was the last vehicle to have a armrest ashtray with the flip open cover?
Excrement

Yes, it was the 1991 Ford Excrement, a limited-edition vehicle which also had built-in port-a-potties for the driver and front seat passenger, a drop-down compartment for nose-blowing, an earwax receptacle and trays for collecting finger and toenail clippings. Sales were poor, as most drivers preferred just flipping their bodily waste out the window.

[Hypno-Toad]

Wow... truth is stranger than fiction - "Could this be happening? A man's nightmare made real"
Zipper Keeps Falling Down

A little dramatic, aren't we?

[Annie-Xmas]

Favorite meaningless advertising claims
"Indiana Wants Me"

[Hypno-Toad]

An inspiring story about recovery from mental illness
What a way to start being 37

[Annie-Xmas]

Michael A. White nd the White Party
White Hat or Black Hat?

Guess:rolleyes:

[Jackmannii]

Ask the kimono (and other Japanese stuff) girl
Zipper Keeps Falling Down

Voted Most Popular Geisha for 2011.

[CalMeacham]

Synonyms For Being Fired, You Never Knew

I quit my job!!

[Malacandra]

With the "end of the world" in 2012 fast approaching, let's consider...
Playing chicken with the debt limit?

May as well borrow and spend all we like, really...

[Tapioca Dextrin]

For kids who have just come to the US, what should they learn about our culture and history?
Conservapedia's Greatest Conservative Songs

Wouldn't be my first choice.

[CalMeacham]

You'll never guess how I got out of debt!

Zipper Keeps Falling Down







we're getting a lot of mileage outta that zipper thread title.

[Der Trihs]

Wow... truth is stranger than fiction - "Could this be happening? A man's nightmare made real"
I just broke up with my boyfriend

I think you're overestimating your appeal just a little bit.

[Ludovic]

Where does the electricity on ones body go when we die?
Do I really need to remove my alternator to have it properly tested?

[Jackmannii]

Poll: Were you good at high school mathematics?
How many pairs of shoes do you have?

Let's see, arrange all the shoes on the x-axis, square the soles, carry the five...half a loafer? I guess I wasn't all that good in math.

[ugly ripe tomato]

What a thunderstorm in Champaign, IL last night
Really... Horse semen?

Thunder, lightning, hail, and splooge!

[Hypno-Toad]

Wow... truth is stranger than fiction - "Could this be happening? A man's nightmare made real"
Canada moves closer to eliminating the penny

[Hypno-Toad]

Tell me some interesting trivia that no one else knows at the SDMB
In Florida, Shark jumps YOU

[Jackmannii]

Poke holes in my Business Idea, please!
Poll: On buying condoms.

Sort of defeats the purpose, if you ask me.

[Annie-Xmas]

Do you still use a "phone book"? How do I get them to stop delivering one?
What processes are unbelievably antiquated?

Phone books, but try getting them to stop delivering one.

[Jackmannii]

What can I legally do to your car, purse, etc?
Earth, Wind & Fire & Water

Don't forget the grievous swarm of flies and hail of locusts, which also make excellent practical jokes.

[Hypno-Toad]

Sometimes, a little help goes a long way...
Super-vision or super-hearing?

Now, I don't have to buy a newspaper. I just read the neighbors paper in his kitchen from the comfort of my living room.

[Jackmannii]

Fingernails scraping on a blackboard
Easter Bunny

Hippity, hoppity, SCREEEEEEE! Easter's on its way...

[Johnny L.A.]

You'll never guess how I got out of debt!
Rest in peace, Maggie

You collected on the insurance?

[Jackmannii]

Poll: Hypothetical Road Trip: Aggressive Vegan vs. Extremely Pregnant Woman
Poll: Do dating couples still sit close together in the car?

"We weren't really fighting, officer, just having a disagreement. "Get away from my carrots! I've got cravings!!!"

[Jackmannii]

Song lyrics I misunderstood
bake a frozen crust first???

If that's what you're getting out of "Helter Skelter", you need to cut back on the drugs, man.

[Hypno-Toad]

I just broke up with my boyfriend
Need alibi for giant gash on forehead/Share tales of conspicuous wounds earned while inebriated

[Ludovic]

from CNN's home page:
What is beauty and who has it?
'Ugly Betty' gets married

[Harmonious Discord]

Suggest make-up for a clown bride
What have you never done?

Nor will I ever.

Whitey Bulger, finally arrested at 81
I think I really missed out on something.
Well, that was unexpected

Vivid dreams in which a full-formed mythology springs out of your subconscious - ever had them?
Parents, "Wow, I wish someone had warned me about that!"

I need to find a company to print a magazine
Is this sociopathic?

It depends on the content.

[kunilou]

Suggest make-up for a clown bride

What have you never done?

Actually, pairing anything with Suggest make-up for a clown bride pretty much guarantees a winner.

[Harmonious Discord]

Detective discovers consensual incest during (and incidental) to case. What do do?
Could I get in trouble for this?

Yes you can, and yes it is do do you are in.

How Much Cash Savings is Appropriate?
How big is your mattress?

The size of the mattress is very important in determining how much cash you should have squirreled away.

[Nobody]

Canada moves closer to eliminating the penny
Wow... truth is stranger than fiction - "Could this be happening? A man's nightmare made real"

There there, it'll be alright.

[EvilTOJ]

Have you ever been to Pioche, NV?
East or West?

Because lemme tell ya, East Pioche is an unmitigated shithole! I've never been to the West side.

[Jackmannii]

Gadhafi-Most unattractive world leader of all time?
New Member

Look for him in Cafe Society. "What appetizing dishes can I make with the blood of traitorous rebels?"

[Harmonious Discord]

A question I've been wanting to ask for years re: Post-coitus glass of water penis dip...
Meats with nitrates ... Dangerous to cook?

Severe, cook and serve with the penis dip.

[Jackmannii]

Have you ever been to Pioche, NV?
Long weekend. What would you do?

Start out with breakfast at Rose's Diner. After that, go see the hog wallow. Next, lunch at Rose's Diner. Walk around the town square. Dinner at Rose's Diner. Check in at the Bar None Motel and get plenty of rest, tomorrow's itinerary is just as frenetic.

[ugly ripe tomato]

Where Was Jamie McGarry When I Needed Him?
Ask the kimono (and other Japanese stuff) girl

She'll use her secret kimono powers to find him instantly!

[Hypno-Toad]

A relaxing walk in the field… (wildlife encounters)
The Levitating Chinese Officials

Don't get too close. They might charge.

[Annie-Xmas]

Weird turn ons, fetishes, and sexual activities (TMI)
How many pairs of shoes do you have?

Shoe fetish?