Child-free Women Dopers - A Question

[olivesmarch4th]

I'm asking this mostly out of pure curiosity.

There was a time, in my early twenties, I wasn't sure I wanted kids. The idea of losing all that personal freedom wasn't very appealing.

Right around the time I turned 24 I began warming up to the idea, and putting kids in the long-term plan. And then a couple of years ago... BAM! Completely out of the blue, every cell in my body became primed for childrearing. I was skeptical about the notion of a biological clock until this happened. Since then, the urge to procreate has grown ever stronger, and somedays I'm just overcome with a powerful urge to nurture something (needless to say, my cat has become very spoiled.) It's beyond weird. I didn't even used to be that interested in small children, and now it's like I have baby radar.

So my question is, those of you who are not interested in having children - have you experienced anything like a biological clock urging you to procreate? If so, it is a case of your rational mind overcoming your biological instinct - or do you feel no such instinct?

I guess on a broader level I'm just curious if most women experience this biological urge to have children, or it's just a few of us. And I wonder if child-free women never have that urge at all.

Thanks,

Christy

[Isabel8]

I'm 36 and it hasn't happened yet.

[Waxwinged]

Female, 26, and nope. No drive to procreate so far-- life's busy enough without kids.

[Carol the Impaler]

Not for me. I've never had a drive or desire to have children. I have tons of nieces and nephews, so it's not like I'm not around kids. I've occasionally imagined myself and a mother and... no. Doesn't appeal to me at all. No biological urge yet, and if it's gonna show up it better get to it as I'm already 42.

[Nava]

So my question is, those of you who are not interested in having children - have you experienced anything like a biological clock urging you to procreate?

Nope. Any mothering needs I had were covered by co-parenting the Bros. Realizing how much of a parent I'd been to them helped me both realize that I'd already "mommy-ed" (BTDT, got the puked-on Tshirt) and that, if I had been a Mom, I might not have done as horrid a job as I used to fear I would (Mom, her sister, their mom, and both of their grandmas, were pretty bad mothers in different ways - from the mild case of letting her good-for-nothing husband run roughshod over her to the worst one of sexually abusing her own children).

[olivesmarch4th]

Nope. Any mothering needs I had were covered by co-parenting the Bros.
That's an interesting take. My Aunt has decided not to have children, and basically says she feels like she already raised one (me.)

[sandra_nz]

Yes and I think it was prompted by my best friend becoming pregnant for her first time. I started having a lot of dreams about either being pregnant and being really excited about it, or about actually having children.

At no time in my life have I wanted children and I still have no plans to have them. I'm 37.

[Ferret Herder]

I'm 41. I somewhat confusedly figured out in my early teens that, no, I really didn't have any "aw, let me see the baby" feelings or any desire to have children. I still don't want any and am very satisfied with my decision. My husband thought he wanted one when we were dating, but we were honest with each other about our feelings; I was willing to keep an open mind and he was willing to risk never having a child. Turns out he lost any desire to have a child.

Interestingly, my sister (3 years younger) has no kids either, also by choice. Her husband is also more than fine with that. We had a good, loving home environment with very dear parents. Our dad died when we were in college, but our mom is happy with getting pictures of the "grand-bunnies" or "grand-kitties" (her words) from us.

A friend of mine in her late 30s has no kids and wants none. The only time she's told me about overwhelming "Must. Have. Baby." feelings, those feelings also were at the same time as very intense manic swings in her (now under control with meds and therapy) bipolar disorder. So for her, those feelings were just side effects of her "must do everything!" manic periods in which she wanted to launch a zillion little projects of all kinds.

[Annie-Xmas]

56, and I have never ever wanted a child.

[Q.N. Jones]

So my question is, those of you who are not interested in having children - have you experienced anything like a biological clock urging you to procreate? If so, it is a case of your rational mind overcoming your biological instinct - or do you feel no such instinct?

I guess on a broader level I'm just curious if most women experience this biological urge to have children, or it's just a few of us. And I wonder if child-free women never have that urge at all.

Sure I did. In my mid-twenties, the urge to have a baby was extremely powerful, and very biologically-based. Every month when I ovulated, I WANTED A BABY. I would look at babies in the mall and smile and wave and think about snatching a cute one (kidding).

But...three factors tell me the answer is no:

1) I've known all my life that, unless you're really wealthy or you just don't care about the kid, you give up a lot to be a parent, in terms of being able to pursue your interests and in having time to yourself. I know intellectually that kind of sacrifice would probably leave me extremely depressed. I'm just not cut out for that, personality-wise.

2) My (extremely fit) sister died in her twenties of early coronary artery disease. I can't get any doctors to take this seriously; they treat it like an anomaly and shrug their shoulders, but looking at our family pedigree, my siblings and I are heavily genetically loaded for atherosclerosis. So no one will give me an angiogram and tell me where I stand. I could have a time-bomb in my chest. It's very likely for me that I wouldn't live to see my kid reach age 18.

3) Because of #2, the only way I would have a kid is with a partner I would absolutely trust to raise it to 18 if I were gone. My family is not competent to do so. I have an attitude about marriage that seems to be different from about 99% of the population. I also had never found a man I really had a rapport with until very recently. He's 49 and is too old for kids (in our opinions). I'm 34, and it took me 20 years of dating to find even a hint of what I'm looking for in a lifetime partner. The odds are against finding another guy like that who is also baby-ready, in the next 6 years, isn't good.

The biological urge has waned with time and the recognition that I'm just not that person. But, I do still find myself wishing that I could have the experience of having biologically-related children in teen years and adulthood. It would be the younger years that would be too hard.

[Kolga]

I'm 45, and don't remember ever having an urge to have my own child. I love my friends' children, and I do squee over other people's infants, but always in the back of my mind is the feeling that I get to give these children back to their parents when I am done with them :)

Very, very, very rarely do I remember feeling a feeling like "I'll never know what pregnancy and childbirth are like," as if that's something that adult women do, and I'll therefore never be an adult. But that feeling is fleeting.

[Athena]

I always assumed that at some point, I'd really, really want to have a kid, because that's just what happens to women, right? I figured when that happened, I'd have one. It was part of the plan.

But then, it never happened. When I see infants, 95% percent of the time, my first thought is "ick, keep it away from me." The other 5% of the time, it's "Oh, that one's cute. But still, keep it away from me."

I'm 41 now, and if I became pregnant, I'd be really worried about all the things that happen in late pregnancy, and I honestly don't know if I'd go through with it. I don't want a kid enough to change my life for it.

I occasionally wonder what it would have been like to have one, and if I really missed out on something good, but overall, I'm OK with being childless. I think one ought to really, really want a kid before having one; being wish-washy isn't fair to the kid or yourself.

[Hello Again]

35, and no, I have never remotely wanted children, nor felt any urge to procreate. I feel no attraction to babies (most of them are ugly and, IMHO, disgusting). I don't feel any desire to touch them, and I won't hold them unless I have to (ie, to help out the mom/dad for a minute.) Lest you think I lack exposure to babies, my nephew is almost a year, and my best friend's baby is about 6 months. They are both cute and cheerful babies. It does not make me want one of my own.

[Scarlett67]

56, and I have never ever wanted a child.

44, and I have never ever wanted a child.

Seldom interested in holding babies, interacting extensively with kids, etc. (But show me a puppy and I lose my friggin' mind and turn into a blithering idiot.) I like my life just way it is, and it's plenty hectic. Can't imagine dealing with a kid on top of that.

I could probably raise a kid if I had to (reproductive accident, relative's kids dumped on us), but it's not something I've ever wanted to pursue.

[artemis]

48. Never once felt the "biological clock" go off, and as I've gotten older, I've gone from neutral towards small children to actively disliking them. Maybe things would be different if I'd had one of my own (hormones are powerful things), but I don't have any way to know. For the sake of my hypothetical kid, I'm glad I didn't take that chance!

[jlzania]

I'm 56 so kids aren't happening-at least in this life time.
When I was younger I would very occasionally have what I guess was a maternal twinge so I'd get a puppy or a kitten. Worked every time.

[Merneith]

No, I never felt any overwhelming urge to have a baby. There's a lot of rational reasons why I wouldn't be a good mom, so that's all for the best. I've come around to the idea that kids are pretty cool, provided I don't have to be responsible for them. Babies, however, just bore me to tears.

I'm not particularly adept, socially, so it doesn't surprise me that I never really grokked the social cues about babies, aside from apparently lacking the biological ones, also.

ETA: I'm 43 now, and single, and happy as an aunt. My sister's a terrific mom - I could never do what she does. So it's all worked out perfectly.

[ZipperJJ]

I'm 32. Never wanted kids. Well I sort of thought I did once when I had a real boyfriend but I got over it (it wasn't going to happen any time soon then anyway).

My biggest obstacle is that I have never been in a loving partnership with anyone. I do not know what it is like. So any time I picture myself with a kid I picture myself raising a kid alone.

Honestly, there are times when I feel really shitty about how I raise my dog, and how hard it can be to do it alone and how much of a burden it makes for my parents. And this is just a DOG!

So me + baby - partner = nightmare. It all sounds like a nightmare.

Couple that with everyone I know having kids and everyone seeming to be so fucking miserable about it. All they ever tell me is how tired they are, how broke they are, what bad parents they are, blah blah blah. They don't seem any happier than I am. My secret is that I get to hang out with kids all the time but I don't have to take them home.

Oh yeah there's also the fear that not only will I have a kid by myself, I also will have a handicapped kid who will drain me emotionally, physically and financially and then die early and I will still die alone, but also broke.

Oh AND since I've never been in a loving relationship/equal partnership, I haven't had a chance to be taken care of or babied myself. Or have anyone dote on ME. So I can totally see myself being resentful of a kid if I finally got that special man to pay attention to me and got knocked up. I would probably be a real jerk mom.

I'm pretty glad I never got the biological urge. I would probably hate myself.

[twickster]

I'm 56 and have never wanted kids. My standard joke is "Biological clock? They forgot to install it at the factory."

I'm notorious for an incident when I walked past a group of female coworkers oohing and aahing over someone's new baby and saying "Yeah yeah, coochie coochie, whatever." Partially done for effect, partially because that's really how I feel.

[Infovore]

I'm 46, and like twickster, I too apparently was absent at the factory the day they installed the biological clocks. I have known from the time I was a tiny kid that I had no desire for children (my mom used to laugh at me and tell me that she was going to laugh harder when I turned up with a kid someday) and I have been absolutely unwavering in that. Any maternal instinct I might have seems completely primed toward little furry creatures with pointy ears and whiskers; human babies do nothing for me and I have no interest in caring for them, giving up my freedoms for them, or even interacting with them when they're somebody else's.

Kids really hold no interest at all for me until they're old enough to carry on intelligent conversations and not be annoying (depending on the kid this can be anywhere from about 8 to 11), and even then I wouldn't want one of my own.

[olivesmarch4th]

Couple that with everyone I know having kids and everyone seeming to be so fucking miserable about it. All they ever tell me is how tired they are, how broke they are, what bad parents they are, blah blah blah. They don't seem any happier than I am.

I admit this frightens me too. But I do know happy parents; I think the difference is whether the children were planned or not. If people feel like they had a choice, they made a decision, it makes a difference. I know some cool parents who really seem to live fuller and happier lives as caretakers.

My other biggest fear as a parent is becoming one of those obsessive people who can never shut up about how special and important their children are. The idea of having all of my identity and interests consumed by childrearing is scary to me.

I also have genetic concerns, but that's one of the many reasons we've decided to adopt. While I have a crazy urge to parent, I don't have any real desire to get pregnant or give birth.

It's going to be a couple years at least before I do have children, so this discussion is really just academic at this point. But I do appreciate hearing from people who know they weren't made to have kids.

[Sarahfeena]

I have kids, but thought I'd chime in anyway, because I never experienced a biological clock going off. I had my first baby at 37, because we knew we were running out of time, but I never got that physical urge to do it. I do like babies and always have, but just kept putting it off.

[gallows fodder]

I'm 33 and have never wanted kids. And the thing is, in contrast with some of the posters here, I really like kids. I've worked with elementary school kids and enjoyed almost every moment of it. I like playing with babies and toddlers, and I like talking with older kids. (I loathe teenagers in general, though, go figure.)

But I don't like being responsible for their safety, I don't like disciplining them when they're being assholes, I don't like having to pay attention to them constantly, I don't have the energy to keep up with them 24 hours a day with no break and no privacy (kill me now), and I have never, ever, ever in my life thought to myself, "Man, I would love to have one of these of my very own." On the contrary, I'm relieved I don't have kids. I see the changes and the sacrifices that my friends have had to make since they've had kids, and I think, "Thank GOD I don't need to worry about that."

I also am frankly terrified of pregnancy and childbirth.

[alice_in_wonderland]

I have kids, but thought I'd chime in anyway, because I never experienced a biological clock going off. I had my first baby at 37, because we knew we were running out of time, but I never got that physical urge to do it. I do like babies and always have, but just kept putting it off.

This sounds a lot like me (i.e. no clock, first baby at 37, no physical urge, etc). Difference is I don't even particularly like babies. However, (and yes, I know it's a cliche), it really is different when it's your own baby - I think Junior is about the most awesome little person I've ever met. Go figure.

[Swallowed My Cellphone]

I'm a dude, but my wife is mid-40s and has said she has never felt any urge to have kids.

She said the closest she's ever been was one day as a teenager, she and her friends were talking about college and what they hoped the future would bring, and when someone asked her about kids she said: "Meh, maybe someday." But by the timse she was actually in college, she was more "Oh f--k, no!"

[Manda JO]

I admit this frightens me too. But I do know happy parents; I think the difference is whether the children were planned or not. If people feel like they had a choice, they made a decision, it makes a difference. I know some cool parents who really seem to live fuller and happier lives as caretakers.

This is off topic, but I think you are painting with an awfully broad brush here and it's pretty dire to suggest that parents of unplanned babies are doomed to a life of misery. I've known some very happy parents whose babies were unplanned, and I've known some miserable-bitch-all-the-time parents who planned their babies to a T. In fact, the some of the most miserable-bitch-all-the-time parents I've ever known definitely planned their kids: there's a certain type of person who becomes a parent because they need to be a martyr.

Honestly, I think generally happy people make generally happy parents and generally miserable people make generally miserable parents.

[kiz]

Sure I did. In my mid-twenties, the urge to have a baby was extremely powerful, and very biologically-based. Every month when I ovulated, I WANTED A BABY. I would look at babies in the mall and smile and wave and think about snatching a cute one (kidding).

This didn't happen to me until my mid-30s. Suddenly -- BAM! And it always happened right before I got my period. My sex drive shot through the stratosphere. Other times of the month? Couldn't have cared less in any way, shape, or form.

I occasionally wonder what it would have been like to have one, and if I really missed out on something good, but overall, I'm OK with being childless. I think one ought to really, really want a kid before having one; being wish-washy isn't fair to the kid or yourself.

:nodding: I like kids, but I was always on the fence when it came to actually having my own. I've always believed that you should only have a child (or children) if you truly want them. Otherwise, it isn't fair to either you or the kid(s).

[otternell]

37, and never wanted children. Like a few other posters above, I don't even like children, especially babies. Like when someone brings their new baby into the office, all the women gather around and I run for the hills. I will avoid the area until I am sure the baby is gone. I have a hard time thinking of nice things to say when people bust out photos of their baby and just give the generic "oh how cute" and try to make it sound sincere.

Never felt a biological urge, but I have also been on birth control pills for over 20 yrs now, so its very likely that my hormones are not quite operating correctly. I tried going off last year and rediscovered how much a real period sucks - yeah not doing that again!

[Sarahfeena]

This sounds a lot like me (i.e. no clock, first baby at 37, no physical urge, etc). Difference is I don't even particularly like babies. However, (and yes, I know it's a cliche), it really is different when it's your own baby - I think Junior is about the most awesome little person I've ever met. Go figure.

Yeah, it really is. I mean, as I said, I always liked babies, but more in the ooh and ahh, hold for a few minutes and give it back kind of way, not in the keep it forever kind of way. But my own kids...I could never have imagined how much I would love them.

[CrazyCatLady]

I'm asking this mostly out of pure curiosity.

There was a time, in my early twenties, I wasn't sure I wanted kids. The idea of losing all that personal freedom wasn't very appealing.

Right around the time I turned 24 I began warming up to the idea, and putting kids in the long-term plan. And then a couple of years ago... BAM! Completely out of the blue, every cell in my body became primed for childrearing.

That is the exact opposite of what happened to me. All through my teens I was sure I wanted kids. Sure. When I was around 19 or 20 I went through a phase where every time I ovulated the urge to snuggle something little and cute was overpowering. And then when I was about 22 or 23, it just...went away, and fairly abruptly. It was exactly the way people talk about their biological clock kicking in, just in reverse.

I still love looking at all the tiny little precious baby clothes and enjoy being around reasonably behaved kids of pretty much any age. When I found out my sister-in-law was pregnant, I was totally unhinged with joy at the prospect of being an aunt. (She told us Christmas night and by NYE I had already been shopping for toys, sewed the baby a stocking for next Christmas, and made plans to teach myself to quilt so I could make the baby fluffy little blankets. When I say unhinged, I mean unhinged.) But the idea of actually taking one of them home with me on any sort of long-term basis remains utterly eeeewwwwwww.


My other biggest fear as a parent is becoming one of those obsessive people who can never shut up about how special and important their children are. The idea of having all of my identity and interests consumed by childrearing is scary to me.

Yeah, my first friends to have kids suddenly turned into The Baby Channel (All Baby, All. The. Time) around the same time I started thinking this whole kids thing wasn't such a hot idea. It certainly didn't do anything to help me stay on the "have kids" side of the fence. Part of that, I think is that most of my friends who had kids were SAHMs of the "kindergarten was the first time he was away from me for 3 hours straight" and didn't really have anything else going on in their lives to talk about. When your whole existence revolves around diaper changes and pediatrician visits, getting a solid poop or the exact height and weight percentiles the kids were at their last checkup assumes an importance that it wouldn't have if you had other stuff going on. They generally got a lot better once the kids started school and they had to find something else to do for a few hours a day.

[Ferret Herder]

I'm 33 and have never wanted kids. And the thing is, in contrast with some of the posters here, I really like kids. I've worked with elementary school kids and enjoyed almost every moment of it. I like playing with babies and toddlers, and I like talking with older kids. (I loathe teenagers in general, though, go figure.)
Oh yeah, it's definitely not a requirement to not like them. :) My sister is much more fond of children than I am, and my friend who had "whoa, want babies!" feelings when she'd have a manic period is a teacher and adores her job and helping children and teens.

I'm fine with interacting with most kids I know (of friends/relatives), but have no desire to hold or take care of them. But random kids? No way.

[pbbth]

I never, never, never wanted to have kids. Didn't like them, didn't want them. Then I met my husband and seeing how he is with kids and his desire to be a parent made me go from, "Lord, no!" to "I can see doing that, I guess" and deciding that should we want to have kids we would adopt. One accidental positive EPT test later I didn't really have a choice in the matter and have determined that a lot of my dislike of children and not wanting of children came from non-child places.

I was afraid that I wouldn't pick a decent partner and would end up being a single parent or worse, the only functional parent with a dysfunctional husband to influence my kid. I was afraid that I would end up having a kid that was a sociopath and that I would be stuck with a child that had no ability to understand or empathize with other people. I was afraid that all those people I see out there doing horrible, horrible things to or in front of their kids (not horrible like abusing their children but horrible like regularly feeding them hot pockets or swearing at them all the time when you get angry) are not abnormal and that I would slide into being that kind of person. When I found my husband and saw what a fabulous parent he would make I calmed down a little bit. When my husband laughed at me and said he didn't understand my fears about being a bad parent I asked him why and he said, "You're blowing raspberries on the dog's belly and telling her you love her. How can you think you'd feel so much love and responsibility for the dog and the cats, whom you treat like royalty, and not for your own baby?" I thought about it for a minute and realized he was right about that and I calmed down some more. Then when I got pregnant and immediately changed everything I do to protect the fetus (seriously, my whole diet changed, I exercise more, I regularly go to the doctor and have blood taken and get shots and stuff even though needles scare me more than anything) I realized that it wasn't that I don't like kids, it was that I didn't think I had the ability to functionally raise a child that wasn't a horrible person. Coming to terms with that has made me very happy about the impending babby.

I'm sticking to my guns about only having one kid though. Pregnancy sucks hardcore and I am not doing this again. The kid will be fabulous though so I'm not worried about that kind of thing anymore!

[Snickers]

I'm 34, 35 in October, and childfree by choice. SpouseO and I talk about it every, oh, six months or so, just to be sure we're on the same page, and we are. Don't want kids. Don't plan to have kids. I'm a lot like Sarahfeena (and lots of others in this thread) - I like babies, I like to cuddle and coo at them and play with them, and I adore my nieces and nephew (ages from 7 to 5), but I'm not planning on having my own.

Why? Don't want them, in the first place. When I was little, I had daydreams and playacted my life, and played house and school, and all that, but never once in all of those moments did I ever play at being a mom or having kids. (I also didn't really ever see myself getting married either, so there is that.) Other reasons are that my husband doesn't really want to bring another child into this world and I'm afraid I'd be a bad parent. SpouseO and I are also very cognizant of how much having a child would change our lives, and we simply don't want to change them at this point. We're really happy.

He'd be a great dad. And he (and other) people have told me I'd be a good mom (but I'm less convinced of that. For no real reason, really. I have issues from my mom - who doesn't? - but they're teeny, insignificant issues when compared to some of the stories others on this board have shared. By in large, my parents were and are good parents, and I love them dearly.). We just simply don't have the interest.

[Broomstick]

So my question is, those of you who are not interested in having children - have you experienced anything like a biological clock urging you to procreate? If so, it is a case of your rational mind overcoming your biological instinct - or do you feel no such instinct?

I guess on a broader level I'm just curious if most women experience this biological urge to have children, or it's just a few of us. And I wonder if child-free women never have that urge at all.
It's not that I didn't want kids, it's just that I figured I'd have a fine life either way. As it happens, no kids. Past 45, no screaming urges to go out an "nurture". No regrets, either. I don't understand this "biological clock going off" thing, I have never experienced it.

[kushiel]

24, no bio urges yet. I don't expect them to come. Unlike a lot of childfree people, I don't have the overwhelming urge to be a pet mama either (although I am thinking about it).

I've learned that I get very anxious and panicky (not just nerves, but emergency appointment with psychologist stat! kind of thing) when I'm in a situation where I can't reason or control a person. By that, I mean, if I was stuck with a cranky, sick, puking toddler screaming its lungs off and literally can't understand reason I'll go off the deep end.

[Jane D'oh!]

49 next month. Never heard the clock ticking ever. I have no regrets about it either.

I do enjoy babies though and always thought that if it became important for me to nurture someone, I'd adopt. That hasn't happened yet either.

[StGermain]

I'll be 50 in a few weeks. I've never ever had the desire to be pregnant. Never really had much of a desire to have kids, although I almost ended up with one. I think I'd be a decent parent, but babies make me nervous. I like them after they're housetrained.

I have 10 nieces and nephews. That's close enough.

StG

[ZPG Zealot]

I have always loathed children. To me, they were always the closest to absolute evil that the world has. So I have never wanted to pregnant. I have sometimes found myself in the position of being responsible for a child because their parents were incompetent. It's not something I enjoy, but I will do it if I have to.

[Eva Luna]

42 (43 in a few weeks), and never really felt the urge – kind of like religion, it was one of those things that I thought I’d understand when I got older, but it just never happened. I like babies just fine, as long as they’re someone else’s. I don’t think people should have babies unless they are absolutely dying to, so I don’t plan to. I’m sleep-deprived enough now! Plus it’s getting to the point where even if I changed my mind, it might not be a good idea for medical reasons.

[Cat Whisperer]

I admit this frightens me too. But I do know happy parents; I think the difference is whether the children were planned or not. <snip>

This is off topic, but I think you are painting with an awfully broad brush here and it's pretty dire to suggest that parents of unplanned babies are doomed to a life of misery. I've known some very happy parents whose babies were unplanned, and I've known some miserable-bitch-all-the-time parents who planned their babies to a T. In fact, the some of the most miserable-bitch-all-the-time parents I've ever known definitely planned their kids: there's a certain type of person who becomes a parent because they need to be a martyr.

Honestly, I think generally happy people make generally happy parents and generally miserable people make generally miserable parents.I have to agree with Manda JO - most of the parents I know planned their kids, and it doesn't seem to have made them happier or uhappier with their choices. At the risk of starting a big debate, the difference to me seems to be that the happiest parents are the ones who have disciplined their kids, and the kids aren't running the household (and funnily enough, those kids seem the happiest, too).

At 44 I've never felt the urge to have babies, either (a childfree site I visit calls it the Baby Rabies :) ). I'm not particularly interested in modern kids, either, but on the odd occasion that we encounter children that actually act like small members of society rather than savages, I don't mind having them around. That just highlights how badly socialized most people's kids are.

[slightly askew]

Never had the urge. When I was in my 20's I figured that I would someday want and have kids. I'll be 38 soon and it hasn't happened yet. I even like babies -- it's when they start talking back that I don't find them so fun anymore.

Luckily my husband and I agree that people who really want kids should have them -- we just don't. We do like playing the eccentric aunt and uncle though.

Anyway, I am glad to know that I am not the only one that hasn't heard the clock ticking. My only fear is that I will get the "urge" when I'm too old to do anything about it.

[SnakesCatLady]

Never wanted one, never had one. Never felt "the clock". My reaction to a baby's cry is to run - but if I hear a kitten yelling I have to find out why and fix it. I've been told the wrong maternal instinct got installed at the factory.

[purplehorseshoe]

31 here. I like kids well enough, but the permanence and constant-ness (sorry, there's probably a better word) of parenting was impressed on me during my baby-sitting years. It's fun teaching kids and fascinating to watch them learn and absorb their world, they have a unique perspective, yadda yadda, but there was always that feeling of relief at the end, of being able to go "Here you go. Here's your child back. *stick out palm* Money, please!" and then go home to my own space. :)

Besides, I have an absolute and utter horror of pregnancy and childbirth. The idea freaks me right the holy hell out. I'd be willing to take in and care for a child someone else had made, but I don't wanna make one myself. (I also have some ... strong opinions about human overpopulation, so there's that, too.)

Mr. Horseshoe also doesn't want kids - doen't really even like 'em all that much, mostly - so it's pretty much a non-issue in our household.

[Infovore]

Besides, I have an absolute and utter horror of pregnancy and childbirth. The idea freaks me right the holy hell out.

Yeah, there's that for me too. I've always been an androgynous/tomboy sort of person, and the thought of this...this...thing growing inside me, changing my body in horrific ways (some of which don't change back!), forcing me to be seriously vulnerable for the better part of a year...no, thanks.

I've often said I would have made a good dad. But a good mom? No way.

[Beadalin]

I DID want kids (still do), but at 35 I've still never felt a biological urge.

[Katriona]

I'm nearly 43 and I haven't felt it.

[rhubarbarin]

I haven't managed it yet (only 26) but I've been consumed by an intense physical and emotional desire to gestate, birth, and raise my own child since I was about 15. Before 'the clock' started ticking I spent my whole childhood saying I never wanted kids. It's the only thing I've ever wanted so badly.

Frankly it would be much more convenient if these feelings would just go away and I could even imagine living a child-free life, since I'm poor and I'm in love with a man who doesn't want a biological child.

[Elysian]

I have a medical problem which may make this academic.

Do I like kids? I have to say yes. I don't find them all cute, at all, in fact I find them pretty repellent. But I really like interacting with them. I'll play with my nieces and nephews, hold kids, keep track of them, talk to them and play with them. I especially like teaching them new things.

I once spent a three hour plane trip trying to get the two-year-old in the opposite aisle seat from me to laugh. He cried up to that point, but after I started talking to him he was fine.

Do I feel an "urge"...I'd have to say, no, actually. The thought that I CAN'T have kids really upsets me. So I think I might actually want them someday (I'm 34 now, so that someday isn't far off). But do I feel an urge, no. No dreams, no wanting, no desperation. If I make the decision to have them it's going to be a rather cold, logical choice on my part.

So I'm left with a maybe. But as I said, it may be academic. If I decide I want to, I may start trying to have one in a few years, but then I may not be able to. But then again, the women of my family are pretty fertile.

Guess I'll see ;)

[kiz]

Yeah, my first friends to have kids suddenly turned into The Baby Channel (All Baby, All. The. Time) around the same time I started thinking this whole kids thing wasn't such a hot idea...Part of that, I think is that most of my friends who had kids were SAHMs of the "kindergarten was the first time he was away from me for 3 hours straight" and didn't really have anything else going on in their lives to talk about...

Some years ago I was very good friends with two SAHMs -- one had three children at the time under the age of 6; the other, her first. I sat through all the chaos of the former and the "all baby all the time" talk of the latter. Oh. My. Head. :eek:

I later learned that, for both of them, I was their "sanity check", their reminder that yes, there was a life Out There that didn't include little children. A life where a mother could go out for a peaceful dinner, read books, have intelligent conversation, spend time by herself and for herself.

As much as they loved being SAHMs, they both admitted they couldn't wait for their children to start school...

[Claire Beauchamp]

Another "no, no clock bomb went off." I'm 49. Had always been ambivalent about having children, although I like (many of them) well enough. I've had the intense care of children at various periods, so I know well what's involved and I do have a nurturing side. I thought that if I were in the right relationship it might be a natural outgrowth of that, and I was OK with the idea. But that type of relationship has never happened, and I'm childless, and well, there you are. At times I wonder what life would have been like otherwise, and I regret that my parents did not have the opportunity to be grandparents (which they would have loved). But ... no, no biological urge of any kind.

[Cat Whisperer]

I haven't managed it yet (only 26) but I've been consumed by an intense physical and emotional desire to gestate, birth, and raise my own child since I was about 15. Before 'the clock' started ticking I spent my whole childhood saying I never wanted kids. It's the only thing I've ever wanted so badly.

Frankly it would be much more convenient if these feelings would just go away and I could even imagine living a child-free life, since I'm poor and I'm in love with a man who doesn't want a biological child.
I don't often admit it because it would seem like rubbing people's noses in it, but I consider myself lucky to not have the overwhelming drive to have kids. I also wonder sometimes if people lacking that urge are the next step in human development, as we live on an ever more crowded planet.

[Anaamika]

35 years old, and there is no clock. If there is one I shall beat it with a hammer until it stops ticking.

I have had the occasional urge to have children, but not to bear them or bring them up - parents get a lot of attention and love showered upon them in all three of the cultures I'm heavily involved in, and sometimes I get tired of being the red-headed stepchild. But I never actually wanted the rugrats myself. I never played House or Mommy as a child; rarely played with dolls, etc.

I like some children but I don't really understand how people can like all kids. They are not inherently cute and some of them can be downright annoying. I can't stand "clever" children, the ones that have learned to manipulate adults around them.

[SeaDragonTattoo]

I didn't like kids even when I was a kid. I refused to do babysitting jobs. Got roped into it once when I was 15. First and only time I changed a diaper. Asked my doctor to remove my uterus or tie my tubes when I was in my 20's and was refused because, "you'll change your mind." Umm, no. I'll be 41 on Monday and still don't want kids. I tolerate them, that's it. Babies are OK, I just don't want to make any.

[Monstera deliciosa]

I'm 51. I've never wanted children, and I've never felt any sort of physical or even strong psychological urge to have a baby, or to raise children. The closest I've ever come was a few minutes (and I do mean minutes) of "what if" speculation on a handful of occasions when I was in my late twenties. The end result of the speculation was always "No, that really isn't what I want out of life."

[Dogzilla]

42, no interest, no desire, ever. My standard joke is "My biological clock is stuck blinking 12:00."

Also, mommy issues. Also, I'm the youngest of 7 and all of them had a bunch of kids. By the time I was 18, I'd already babysat more kids than I cared to count, of all ages and pains-in-the-ass-levels. I was pretty much burned out by trying to make money for college. I also run from the baby fever women at work, but drop a puppy in my lap and I'll squee so only the puppy can hear it. :D

[Dr. Righteous]

42, never wanted kids, never had any biological urge.

My question is this: has anyone else ever felt awkward when in a non social situation with this topic? I mean, you're new at a job or at some sort of industry event where people do the small talk thing, and someone asks if you have kids. When I say no it always feels a little weird... maybe because I've just closed off one major small talk topic? I always ask them back and then make the appropriate comments about little Suzy or Billy and the moment passes, but it always seems a bit odd.

This only happens when I'm in a work type situation - when meeting strangers in a purely social setting saying no never phases me one bit.

Weird.

[Mrs. Cake]

47, never really wanted any. Like others, I spent a lot of time in my teens "mothering" my youngest sister, then later my older sister's fist child. By the time I was 18 I felt like I'd been taking care of kids 7 of those years and that burned the child desire out of me.

Whatever nurturing instincts were left have been fed by taking in stray cats and working long hours for non-profits, and even that desire didn;t really cut in much before I turned 30.

[Q.N. Jones]

My question is this: has anyone else ever felt awkward when in a non social situation with this topic?

The thing that makes it really awkward for me is that I volunteer heavily with the Girl Scouts. Mostly on the business end, but I am involved in (and passionate about) the program for teenage girls. I mentor a 16 year old.

It comes up in two very awkward ways:

I get asked to volunteer with the young kids. I have had to say, "No, I'm sorry, I dislike small children, especially in large groups." Not a good reaction.

Then people ask me, "Oh, so do you plan to adopt an older child?" Or they joke, "Ha ha, your kid will just have to stay in the womb until age 7!" As if it's just assumed I'll have kids. So I say, "No, I'm not really interested in having my own kids." And then I'm Cruella DeVille, making coats out of baby skin, or something.

Babies are okay, but they're boring as hell. Just met my best friend's four month old. Honestly, one of the cutest babies I've ever seen. But she's fun for maybe 15 minutes. Every two hours is the cycle of "feed, change diaper, babble at baby." I'd shoot myself in the head. It's not remotely interesting. The worst part is knowing that you have to talk to the baby and interact with it for mental development, but the interaction is so friggin' puerile.

Fortunately, most of my baby-having friends are cool. Best friend, her husband, and I make really dark remarks about babies. Like this:

"Ugh, child proofing. When she gets to crawling age, I think I'll just hobble her instead."

"The sounds she makes sound like a dolphin. We should take her on one of those dolphin-watching cruises and toss her overboard, to see if the dolphins accept her as one of their own."

"This baby is really a bipolar, ADHD little asshole, isn't she? Let's put lithium in her bottle."

Still, it's not like making jokes really alleviates the drudgery. Or the sleep deprivation.

[kayT]

I'm 64 and have never wanted kids. I guess I fall into the "don't like children" camp too.

It's interesting to me how many of the dopers whose posts I always enjoy are also in this thread and childless by choice.

[Tastes of Chocolate]

Mid 40s, and nope, I've never had an urge to have kids. Occasionally I wonder what child a that my SO and I made would be like, but that's about it. Thankfully, my SO and I agree totally on this.

I do occasionally feel a little say that my SO won't have kids of his own to play with. He is SO good with kids between about 4 and 15. I can certainly take care of them, and I help watch over and entertain our nieces, nephews and friends' kids, but I just have no desire to have one of my own.

[beartato]

I'm still in my twenties but will absolutely not be having children.

First off, I don't want any. I'm not one of those people that hates babies or children. In general, my only thought upon seeing one is "Oh. A small human. Hmm". I don't have any fondness for them. I find very little in life to be cute. I don't need any cuteness around me.

Second, I have no nurturing instinct - if a child within my range of sight does something like trip or fall, for example, I tend to do a cursory physical inspection, see that nothing obvious is damaged, and then look around for their parent. I don't get that urge to run over and pick up the child and cuddle it and talk in a baby voice or soothe their crying. It's more like when a vase topples over. Is it broken? Nope? Stand it back up, keep walking.

Third, the thought of childbirth terrifies me. I'm petite. I have narrow hips. Most penises are too large for me. And they're nothing compared to the size of a child's head. I have a very high pain tolerance; it's not the pain that worries me, really. It's the tearing of my much-beloved-by-me girly parts. I like them as they are. For many many woman, I'm sure that's a small price to pay for a baby. But not to me. Also I have a bad heart, I've never actually asked my doctor about it but I'm sure it would cause some concern.

Also, if there were any reason to add a child to my life, I could not personally justify getting pregnant when there are so many children already out there that need adoption.

But more than anything, I am so happy in life right now; my husband and I are happy together, we want the same things in life, we love to travel, we like to go to nice restaurants; these things are important to me. Nothing gold can stay but I have no desire to actively do anything to change our way of life. Certainly not to spend 16 to 18 years raising anything.

[Grapefruit]

I didn't have the urge to have kids until about a year ago; it didn't come screaming, but more of a slow urge creeping up on me. I think it had to do with taking care of my cousin's 3 year old for a couple of days. I always thought kids were rambunctious and uncontrollable, but my cousin's kid was just the sweetest little thing who would sit there quietly for hours and draw or read.

At some point during high school, we were shown a birthing video, and my reaction to that was "EW! That's really what giving birth looks like down there?! NOT doing that, EVER!!!" but I've gotten over it because it's something women have been doing for millions of years, and we have the biological capability of doing it, so I've gotten over the squeamish side of pregnancy and birth.

That said, I don't know if I'll ever give into that urge and have children, though. My (now-ex) boyfriend and I recently broke up over this. He really wants children, and wanted to get married, and have that house with a picket fence thing right away. I want my independence, and I know that having children means not being able to do what I want, when I want. The money I spend on shoes and clothes will have go towards diapers, formula, college funds, etc. I'm not selfless enough to give that up right now. And one of my conditions of having children is that I would want my husband to be the primary caregiver - he wakes up in the middle of the night to deal with the crying baby, he takes the child to daycare/school, he mingles with the other parents on play dates, and he takes the days off work to deal with a sick child. Ex-boyfriend said "No way, I don't want to be Mr. Mom", so that was that.

I'm still young enough (mid-twenties) to find someone who will meet my conditions for child-bearing, but if it doesn't happen, being child-free is not a big deal.

[Rachellelogram]

Yes. I'm 26, single, no kids. I don't believe in marriage (not for me, anyway). I am notoriously co-dependent with low self-esteem and standards, and in relationships I always end up despising my partner before we get past the year-and-a-half mark.

I felt a strong ticking of my baby-clock for a couple of years (24-25 ish). It's quieted down since then, but I do still want one "someday" (might end up adopting, and skip the childbirth and bottle-and-diaper-phase). I would never be able to have a child with my current job--daycare is too expensive here and the cost of living is outrageous. I also don't have family that could help me out. So unless I quit work, went to live with my mom an hour and a half south of here, and sponged off the gubmint, there's no way it would work out now. I'd abort if I got pregnant, but that's not an issue because I don't have periods (PCOS).

As it is, I really REALLY like getting to spend 100% of my money on myself. But I don't have all that much money, either--currently I take home $400 a week, and I make ends meet, but there isn't room for many extras after rent and car/insurance/student loan payments. I can't even afford my own studio apartment, not until my car is paid off in 3 years. If I could get a job paying at least 40k a year and get my own place, I'd start looking into being a purposely-single mom--no getting knocked-up and asking for child support. I'd rather not have kids than deal with baby-daddy drama, and I honestly never see myself getting married.

My long-term plans involve moving someplace with a lower cost-of-living and using my current salary to leverage a higher-paying job in a cheaper area, where my money will go further. But I can't even start saving to move until my car is paid off.

If I'm lucky, I might have a kid by the time I'm 40. If I'm unlucky, then I'll never have one--and that would be okay, too. I have very poor relationships with both my parents, who had me and my sister way too young and raised us in a very abusive and under-funded home. If I can't start a child out the right way (with enough money for more than the barest of essentials), then I won't have one. I'm not going to risk damaging him/her the way I was damaged.

[velveeta]

39 and it's never gone off. I'm even "allergic" to my own estrogen and had to have my ovaries removed. Clock busted.

[kiz]

My question is this: has anyone else ever felt awkward when in a non social situation with this topic? I mean, you're new at a job or at some sort of industry event where people do the small talk thing, and someone asks if you have kids. When I say no it always feels a little weird... maybe because I've just closed off one major small talk topic? I always ask them back and then make the appropriate comments about little Suzy or Billy and the moment passes, but it always seems a bit odd.

I've had this happen plenty of times. It still does happen at work occasionally -- people will start comparing notes, I'll get the every-so-often "Sorry, we can't include you" look, and then there's this giant invisible wall between us.

I've gotten the "Oh, really?" arched-eyebrow look, more often than not from someone 10+ older than myself.

I've gotten the gushing, "Oh, you can't mean that, it's different once you've had your own!", usually from someone either hormonally heightened or from a young mother.

Some looks I've gotten are flat-out weird, as though I'm sprouting tentacles along with my 10 heads and fourteen pairs of eyes.

People are funny.

[The Devil's Grandmother]

There was a few years in my early 30s that I might have had a child, but I could never get over the amout of time and effort it would take. Some of my friends have kids, and I like spending time with them ocasionally, but I just can't imagine having one of my own.

[Rhiannon8404]

Since others with kids have chimed in, I guess I will, too.

I have never felt the biological urge to have a child. I didn't particularly like kids in my teen/young adult years. I had a life plan and having kids was part of it. When it was time to have kids I went off the pill and got pregnant. I was happy, but it wasn't like my whole life was fulfilled. I hated being pregnant. I didn't enjoy breastfeeding. I loved my baby, but only because he was mine. Other peoples babies have never had any effect on me.

I always figured I'd have two because, ya know, that's what you do when you're white middle class. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. People kept telling me my body would tell me when it's ready to have another one, but 13 yrs after my son, it still hasn't told me. (Really a good thing since I had my tubes tied 9 years ago).

[velveeta]

My question is this: has anyone else ever felt awkward when in a non social situation with this topic?

People can be pretty rude (and totally crass) about it.

I had a woman ask me how old my kids were - which I thought was odd since most people ask if you have kids first. When I said I didn't have any, she said, "Well, WHY not?!"

So, then I told her, while noshing on a hors d'oeuvres, how I had to have my ovaries sucked out . She beat a hasty retreat.

[rhubarbarin]

I don't often admit it because it would seem like rubbing people's noses in it, but I consider myself lucky to not have the overwhelming drive to have kids. I also wonder sometimes if people lacking that urge are the next step in human development, as we live on an ever more crowded planet.

I think you're lucky too. And I think the child-free population will be one that's ever-increasing. The more options women have it seems, the less likely it is that they choose to parent.

As badly as I want to be a mom, to my understanding (from observation and with many years of babysitting experience under my belt as well as having helped raise my two sisters) having kids is mostly thankless day-to-day labor lubricated only by a helplessly intense love, sprinkled with a few fulfilling moments and culminating only if you're lucky in the type of close lifelong relationship that I envy so much. Logically, it doesn't make much sense. :D But it's a totally illogical desire, for me. Which is frustrating in itself!

[2ManyTacos]

Lol, as a guy in his early 20s who hasn't even started college yet, yet alone ever been in any sort of meaningful longterm relationship, I gotta say that all this talk of biological clocks in women has always perplexed me. I mean, you gals say that you're overcome with this huge drive to have children, but, seriously, what the Hell does that even mean? I mean, is this "child-rearing drive" simply manifested by a strong desire to, y'know, have sex and actually conceive a baby, or is it characterized by a yearning to just nurture something? I always say that kids should be the farthest thing from a person's mind until she is financially secure enough to take care of both herself & whatever child she may wind up with; so ultimately, I guess, if this "drive" ever gets to be too much, why not just get a cat or something?

Then again, what the Hell do I know?

Also, this discussion does make me think about this woman I know. She tried for years to get pregnant, going so far as to purposely deceive whatever guy she was dealing with at the time (and I'll let you folks wonder what that means); eventually, yes, she did get pregnant and had a son, but I swear, for the life of me I can't understand why she even bothered having him. She treats him like a burden all the damn time; seriously, she complains about him all the time, constantly shoves him onto his grandparents or into the homes of other relatives or babysitters, and rarely spends time with him when he is actually with her. Eh, if a woman is going to make her child into some sort of inconvenient accessory, then why have the kid in the first place?

[beartato]

Lol, as a guy in his early 20s who hasn't even started college yet, yet alone ever been in any sort of meaningful longterm relationship, I gotta say that all this talk of biological clocks in women has always perplexed me. I mean, you gals say that you're overcome with this huge drive to have children, but, seriously, what the Hell does that even mean?

Yeah, and what's with all that shopping the gals do, anyway? They're coming back from the mall with a new hatbox like, every week! Luuuucy!

[chiroptera]

I'm 53 and post-menopausal so it's not going to happen.

I didn't want children, even as a kid, and in my early 20s looked for a doctor who would agree to tie my tubes - couldn't find one.

However, in my mid-thirties my brain switched to "must have baby" mode...I was researching baby names and really, really wanted a child. However, the universe decided I couldn't have one...I had two miscarriages that landed me in the ER, and then a tubal pregnancy.

I'm at an age now where some of my peers are not only mothers, but grandmothers. (Yikes.) I do trot out the "universe decided I couldn't have children" thing when it comes up. Which is sort of a shame because I think I would have been a stellar parent, especially considering the many non-stellar parents out there.

[Miss Mapp]

I'm 47, and no.

[Claire Beauchamp]

Then again, what the Hell do I know?

Exactly.

[Cat Whisperer]

2ManyTacos, you're probably asking the wrong crowd since so many of us simply never had the biological imperative to have kids, but to hear other women describe it, it has very little to do with logic and everything to do with a very basic animal need - the need to reproduce.

Also, your idiot friend sounds like she was in love with the idea of being a mom, and her reality wasn't even close to her fantasy. Too bad for the kid; he didn't do anything to deserve a mom like that.

[beartato]

2ManyTacos, you're probably asking the wrong crowd since so many of us simply never had the biological imperative to have kids, but to hear other women describe it, it has very little to do with logic and everything to do with a very basic animal need - the need to reproduce.

Also, your idiot friend sounds like she was in love with the idea of being a mom, and her reality wasn't even close to her fantasy. Too bad for the kid; he didn't do anything to deserve a mom like that.

I do agree that there is obviously a basic animal need to reproduce, but we fight basic animal needs all the time; it's part of being a modern human. When I talk to many of my female friends who are trying to get pregnant, I'm struck by the constant references to wanting to have "a baby". Now, obviously that's how kids start out. As babies. But that's all they talk about - pretty names for the baby. Cute clothes for the baby. Designer nursery for the baby. There seems to be some notion in their head that eventually that baby will be a pain-in-the-ass six year old, or a sullen teenager, or a mooching college student. Obviously women in my mother's and grandmother's day had a drive to reproduce, too, but I don't ever read literature from other times or hear accounts with this intense focus pregnancy as a way of having a cute thing that wears the ittiest bittiest little pair of shoes. I think that when discussing this topic it's hard to separate the two notions; that of having a child and that of getting a baby.

[Anaamika]

Lol, as a guy in his early 20s who hasn't even started college yet, yet alone ever been in any sort of meaningful longterm relationship, I gotta say that all this talk of biological clocks in women has always perplexed me. I mean, you gals say that you're overcome with this huge drive to have children, but, seriously, what the Hell does that even mean? I mean, is this "child-rearing drive" simply manifested by a strong desire to, y'know, have sex and actually conceive a baby, or is it characterized by a yearning to just nurture something? I always say that kids should be the farthest thing from a person's mind until she is financially secure enough to take care of both herself & whatever child she may wind up with; so ultimately, I guess, if this "drive" ever gets to be too much, why not just get a cat or something?

Then again, what the Hell do I know?

Also, this discussion does make me think about this woman I know. She tried for years to get pregnant, going so far as to purposely deceive whatever guy she was dealing with at the time (and I'll let you folks wonder what that means); eventually, yes, she did get pregnant and had a son, but I swear, for the life of me I can't understand why she even bothered having him. She treats him like a burden all the damn time; seriously, she complains about him all the time, constantly shoves him onto his grandparents or into the homes of other relatives or babysitters, and rarely spends time with him when he is actually with her. Eh, if a woman is going to make her child into some sort of inconvenient accessory, then why have the kid in the first place?
This is the wrong thread, silly. We're all the women who don't have biological clocks.

[BaneSidhe]

I did when I was in my 20's because I felt like I'd be a failure if I didn't [grew up around a major amount of breeder-brains]. Once I hit 21 and my mental illnesses got worse and worse, I decided that I wasn't going to pass that hell along to any child.

And the thought of pregnancy and having the kid makes me shudder. I like little ones up to about age 1 but me having one? NO. Besides, I have kids. They're just not human!

[Dr. Girlfriend]

I'll be 36 on Monday, and I've always had the thought "if it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't" as far as having kids goes. I don't have any strong urge to go reproduce.

I like (most) kids, I love my niece and my boyfriend's nieces. Several of my friends have kids who I absolutely adore. I even tolerate my co-workers' kids when they visit. As long as they're not diseased... But am I itching to have any of my own? Not really.

I thought I might have been pregnant a couple months ago, and I was OK with it. I wasn't over the moon but I wasn't pissed off about it either. I figured it would cement my place as the black sheep of the family if I were to be unmarried and pregnant. If you knew my Gran, you'd understand... :D

My boyfriend thinks he might want kids so I'm not ruling it out entirely. But age and some medical issues might make the whole thing a moot point.

Someone upthread mentioned a birthday on Monday too... ::scans thread:: Ah... happy birthday Monday SeaDragonTattoo!

[rhubarbarin]

This is the wrong thread, silly. We're all the women who don't have biological clocks.

Well, I am here too and he might have been responding to my post about how baby-crazy I am.

The only thing I can compare my procreation drive to is my sex drive. Neither are easily ruled by logic, as anyone with a sex drive will understand.

[Eats_Crayons]

I'm almost 40 and I've never had event the slightest flutter of wanting a child. I never have. As a little girl I was actually offended when people gave me dolls to play with. I love caring for animals of all kinds, I'm fond of the elderly and taking care of them, I can entertain children and make them laugh, but no human babies, please.

[Maiira]

I'm 24, so maybe I'm too young, but I've never really had a serious urge to procreate. My reasons for having a kid, when I do contemplate having one, would be completely selfish (someone to take care of me when I'm old and feeble, for one thing). I like babies, but not the screamy, poopy parts. Nor do I like tantrumy toddlers or mouthy teens. I'm not very nurturing in general, and I feel like comforting a child after they've fallen or something would seem more like a chore than anything else. My mom, funnily enough, was the same way (and in fact it weirded me out as a kid whenever she'd call me "hon," or "sweetheart," because she rarely did that and it always sounded forced, or something).

I'm also an intensely private person who likes to be alone. I lock the bathroom door every time I'm in there, and I most certainly do NOT want kids barging in. Nor do I want to give up my hobbies and downtime.

It's not that I haven't met kids I liked--I've met plenty--but I tire of them very easily. I'll be playing with a kid, then about five minutes later all I want them to do is go away and leave me alone. Maybe it is different if you have your own, but frankly I don't think I really want to find out.

[saje]

I'll be 50 in Nov. and I've never ever wanted kids. I like some kids in very small doses, but it's a rare thing. I avoid babies as much as possible. I used to sort of enjoy teaching kids to ride (horses), but then *I* was in charge, and generally a new enough person to automatically get respect, or at least full attention. Also, horse crazy little girls will do ANYthing to get their horse fix, so they were on their best behavior to make every second of that horse time count. Which is good, 'cuz I have zero tolerance for whiny shit.

[Nava]

My question is this: has anyone else ever felt awkward when in a non social situation with this topic? I mean, you're new at a job or at some sort of industry event where people do the small talk thing, and someone asks if you have kids. When I say no it always feels a little weird... maybe because I've just closed off one major small talk topic? I always ask them back and then make the appropriate comments about little Suzy or Billy and the moment passes, but it always seems a bit odd

For the last five years, my answer has been "not my own, but I'll be happy to show pics of the nephews!"

Last year a guy asked a new female coworker whether she had kids; she said "no" and seemed about to say more but he cut in with "oh, you're so lucky! I've got three!" There was a moment of silence and then another woman said "you know, that's actually a pretty insensitive thing to say, for all you know she might be about to start IVF. Plus, if your kids blow goats maybe it's you who should'a kept them out of the barn." Turns out the new coworker was getting married in a few months and wants kids.




And 2ManyTacos, I've met guys whose biological clocks were ticking like crazy (the problem when a guy's bioclock does is that it's constant, a woman's tends to be cyclic). They all had about ten years on you, though.

[salinqmind]

I didn't particularly want kids, but part of that may have come from living with a bitter screwed up mother who badmouthed anyone having kids! For whatever reason, me and my brothers were an irritating burden to her. (so maybe she was one of the broken-biological clock women!) So I grew up with the idea "baby=bad". I had little love or nurturing from mom. When I got married, after years and years of trying to not get pregnant, we decided, what will be will be, and surprise! a year later, the test was positive! Oh, I was utterly terrified. I felt like I was gestating a time bomb. I didn't know any other pregnant women or mothers of babies, there just weren't any in the family or living around us, so I felt like I was going through this all alone. I also suffer(ed) anxiety and depression. (I digress - and may I say I now have a beautiful and smart adult daughter who is my #1 source of pride, and I love her unto death.) But no, no bio clock ever went off, not that I felt I was too special to be a mother, not that I didn't like kids (I was mostly indifferent), but I really didn't think I would BE much of a mother. Turned out to be wrong, but that was my mindset, I was was entering an unknown country all alone without a map.

[SeaDragonTattoo]

Someone upthread mentioned a birthday on Monday too... ::scans thread:: Ah... happy birthday Monday SeaDragonTattoo!

Happy Birthday Monday to a fellow Leo!

As to thread topic: A couple other people mentioned what they do in social/non-social (work) situations when the question comes up. I've thought of more politically correct answers, but the one that always pops out of my mouth is: "Oh, god no." Pretty much results in a subject change and it never coming up again. Works for me!

[kiz]

I gotta say that all this talk of biological clocks in women has always perplexed me. I mean, you gals say that you're overcome with this huge drive to have children, but, seriously, what the Hell does that even mean? I mean, is this "child-rearing drive" simply manifested by a strong desire to, y'know, have sex and actually conceive a baby, or is it characterized by a yearning to just nurture something?

It's both. It sometimes hits young women. Sometimes women in their 20s or 30s. And, as you've read in this thread, sometimes never. Every woman is different. I had friends in college who couldn't wait to get married and start families. I was like you in the financially-secure-want-to-do-something-in-my-life-first before even thinking of getting married, never mind having kids. Different strokes, you know?

I have a few childfree friends who feed their need to nurture through pets. I'm right there with them :)

Also, this discussion does make me think about this woman I know. She tried for years to get pregnant, going so far as to purposely deceive whatever guy she was dealing with at the time (and I'll let you folks wonder what that means); eventually, yes, she did get pregnant and had a son, but I swear, for the life of me I can't understand why she even bothered having him. She treats him like a burden all the damn time; seriously, she complains about him all the time, constantly shoves him onto his grandparents or into the homes of other relatives or babysitters, and rarely spends time with him when he is actually with her. Eh, if a woman is going to make her child into some sort of inconvenient accessory, then why have the kid in the first place?

Some women fall in love with the idea of having a child but fail to realize the reality of actually having one.

[2ManyTacos]

2ManyTacos, you're probably asking the wrong crowd since so many of us simply never had the biological imperative to have kids, but to hear other women describe it, it has very little to do with logic and everything to do with a very basic animal need - the need to reproduce.

Also, your idiot friend sounds like she was in love with the idea of being a mom, and her reality wasn't even close to her fantasy. Too bad for the kid; he didn't do anything to deserve a mom like that.

Yeah, that sounds about right. I mean, the woman is a very close friend of my family so I'm not going to spend too much time criticizing her, but still, I won't sugercoat the fact that she really is a piece of work (in more ways than just her parenting sensibilities, believe me) and a lousy mother to her son.

Those of you who bring up your biological clock as being comparable to your sex drive really bring up an interesting question. As a man, I can tell you that my sex drive is absolutely DEVOID of any desire to have children; indeed, when I'm in that frame of mind, I just DO NOT want any children to result from my activities.

So, if you say that your sex drive and your "child-rearing drive" are intrinsically linked, does that mean that you engage in sexual activities simply BECAUSE of your intention to have a child? Are you able to have sex simply for its own sake, or does the need to reproduce have to be there in order to ignite your sexual desires?

[SeaDragonTattoo]

I can only speak for myself, as a woman who has never wanted anything to do with kids, that desire to have kids (none) and my sex drive (high) are definitely not linked in any way. I'm more cautious in my sex adventures as a single woman now, but in my 20's and early 30's I was a bit promiscuous, and when I did have monogamous relationships my partners were either ecstatic with our sex life or worn out. A few women have mentioned their before-menstruation extreme urge to "make baby now" for a couple of days. I have similar timing, it's just "have sex now" and not related to wanting to procreate at all.

[ScareyFaerie]

37, and never wanted children. Like a few other posters above, I don't even like children, especially babies. Like when someone brings their new baby into the office, all the women gather around and I run for the hills. I will avoid the area until I am sure the baby is gone. I have a hard time thinking of nice things to say when people bust out photos of their baby and just give the generic "oh how cute" and try to make it sound sincere.

Aside from no longer being 37, this is so true for me! I have no urge to have kids, never wanted any and I have absolutely no interest in other people's offspring. Most women are supposedly scared of spiders. Eight-legged crawling things I can deal with, but babies? Eeek!

[kiz]

A few women have mentioned their before-menstruation extreme urge to "make baby now" for a couple of days. I have similar timing, it's just "have sex now" and not related to wanting to procreate at all.

Back in my 20s those before-menstruation times were definitely more "have sex now" than "make baby now". The baby part didn't enter the picture until I was in my mid-late 30s. I found that curious until it hit me as to why babies suddenly became such a hot topic for me and why there are so many women in that age bracket hoping/praying to start a family...

[Anaamika]

[grew up around a major amount of breeder-brains].

I forgot about this important caveat. It is pretty hard when you grow up around a bunch of women who expect that everyone wants to have children. The funniest thing was, out of the three women in my family:

one never had kids (she's never even had sex)
one adopted me but could never have kids
and the third one had three, me and two boys later on

So the two women who never had kids always expected I would. It could be their upbringing...but as I've said before, i think there was something missing in me right from the start. I've never had a particularly nurturing demeanor, nor a need to take care of anything helpless.

[RoniaBorkason]

I DID want kids (still do), but at 35 I've still never felt a biological urge.

I HAVE a kid, and I've never felt a biological urge. I have always wanted kids in the abstract, but also have always disliked other people's children. We had planned/scheduled having a baby, and then we did it. Love my child, find him captivating, want another/more, still don't have "the hunger".

Is it maybe a function of having been on/being on hormonal birth control?

[Anaamika]

Lol, as a guy in his early 20s who hasn't even started college yet, yet alone ever been in any sort of meaningful longterm relationship, I gotta say that all this talk of biological clocks in women has always perplexed me. I mean, you gals say that you're overcome with this huge drive to have children, but, seriously, what the Hell does that even mean? I mean, is this "child-rearing drive" simply manifested by a strong desire to, y'know, have sex and actually conceive a baby, or is it characterized by a yearning to just nurture something? I always say that kids should be the farthest thing from a person's mind until she is financially secure enough to take care of both herself & whatever child she may wind up with; so ultimately, I guess, if this "drive" ever gets to be too much, why not just get a cat or something?



Speaking again as someone who hasn't had an urge, I think it's something you really can't understand until you've truly walked a mile in their shoes. Just as women who have always wanted children can never truly understand my complete and total disinterest, I don't think I can ever truly understand a woman who wants children above all else. All the time I hear about the heartache and angst women go through, the need and desire to have a kid, the financial difficulties they put themselves through - which is even harder to understand! if you spend all that money on conceiving, what will be left when you have the kid? Sometimes marriages break up, hearts break and I make sympathetic noises but I don't get any of it. But that doesn't make them or me wrong.

It's analogous in a way to depression...For most of my life I never had even a little problem with depression. I was born with the most upbeat spirit there is. For most of my youth I was actively hostile to depressives, like why can't they just cheer up?. (Bear with me now!) As I grew to adulthood I began to understand it's probably mostly a chemical & biological thing and it's no one's fault. But I still couldn't fully internalize it, though I became much more sympathetic. And then i finally had my first bout of depression. Mild as hell, and I got over it really fast but I finally had an inkling of understanding.

I think the biological clock is similar. And whether we like it or not, I think we are still hard-wired to want to have babies. Evolution does not weed out those few of us who don't, because there's enough having babies it doesn't matter, and those who want babies often have babies and presumably pass along the urge to want babies as well. So that would explain why women aren't always sensible about it.

In the end, we all want different things, which is a good thing. However, I do wish people in this country would realize that not only are more women deciding to not have babies, a shit ton of women are deciding to delay childbirth into their thirties. I think it's almost half of all women of childbearing age. So I wish we would not be thought of as much as birthing machines as we kind of are. Sure, abortion is important to women in many ways, as is birth control, but there are a gazillion other issues that are important to women, too.

[Dangerosa]

This is off topic, but I think you are painting with an awfully broad brush here and it's pretty dire to suggest that parents of unplanned babies are doomed to a life of misery. I've known some very happy parents whose babies were unplanned, and I've known some miserable-bitch-all-the-time parents who planned their babies to a T. In fact, the some of the most miserable-bitch-all-the-time parents I've ever known definitely planned their kids: there's a certain type of person who becomes a parent because they need to be a martyr.

Honestly, I think generally happy people make generally happy parents and generally miserable people make generally miserable parents.

Or who plan children and discover that the outcome cannot be planned or controlled.

"What?, you aren't perfect."

My daughter has a friend raised by such a mother. The girl is bright, pretty, respectful - but not bright, pretty and respectful enough for mom.

[kiz]

Is it maybe a function of having been on/being on hormonal birth control?

I had the same thought while reading this thread.

I had some pretty nasty experiences with hormonal birth control. The very first side effect I had, no matter the method, was a nonexistent libido. Not having to deal with hormonal fluctuations gave me the opportunity to stretch my intellect and develop many interests. That's not to say I wasn't interested in having relationships. I was, but it was rare to find a guy who wasn't purely in it for the sex.

The minute I came off the birth control -- WHAM! But, as I said upthread, the only time I ever had baby fever was when I was ovulating.

Heh, things are so changed now that I'm menopausal. Total about-face. I couldn't care less about babies now. Ditto sex.

[suranyi]

Speaking again as someone who hasn't had an urge, I think it's something you really can't understand until you've truly walked a mile in their shoes. Just as women who have always wanted children can never truly understand my complete and total disinterest, I don't think I can ever truly understand a woman who wants children above all else.

I think this is a really important point. Sometimes there is so much animosity between childfree women and women who have or want to have children, it seems like they are not communicating at all. I believe it's because they really can't communicate at the most basic level. There is some deep, biological urge to have children that some women get and some women don't, and there's no way to communicate what that feels like from one group to the other.

It would be like a straight man and a gay man trying to convince each other to be aroused by a woman or a man. Totally pointless.

[even sven]

30, tenatively planning to have kids one day.

I get it now and then. Mostly, I'll be going abour my day and then suddenly have an insane thought..."wouldn't it be neat to be pregnant?" It comes out of nowhere, and I recognize it has no place in my life right now.

Still, it is pretty cool. I can make people. I can make a whole darn family if I want. Neat.

[Cat Whisperer]

I think this is a really important point. Sometimes there is so much animosity between childfree women and women who have or want to have children, it seems like they are not communicating at all. I believe it's because they really can't communicate at the most basic level. There is some deep, biological urge to have children that some women get and some women don't, and there's no way to communicate what that feels like from one group to the other.<snip>I agree. I have intellectually decided that women who have this strong urge aren't lying to me, and so I respect that they do indeed have something happening with them that I haven't experienced. Communication the other way does actually seem to be getting better, as it becomes more common and more well-known that there are many, many perfectly normal women who simply don't want to give birth to kids.

[saje]

This discussion reminds me of a billboard ad that a local fertility had in a few places around town.

Full sized highway billboard with a picture of the world's cutest baby ever, at the sitting up, smiling and reaching for everything stage. (Keep in mind I'm NOT a baby-person, and even I thought it was a cute kid.) The caption read "Want one?"

My first reaction was "oh dear god NO! No no no, thank you"

Then it made me sad and angry, because I can only imagine some poor woman* who really did yearn for one having to see that every day on her commute. :(

I'm glad to say that ad campaign didn't last long.


*I guess that would apply to some men too, come to think of it.

[rhubarbarin]

Is it maybe a function of having been on/being on hormonal birth control?

This is an interesting thought. I have never been on hormonal birth control, and I have been baby-crazy for over a decade.

[Scubaqueen]

56, and I have never ever wanted a child.

what Annie said, and I'm a year younger.

[PapSett]

51 years old and have never felt the urge to have a baby. Babies sort of freak me out. When everyone else is oohing and ahhing over a new baby, I feel nothing.

Now... show me a puppy or foal or kitten or baby wombat and I turn to mush. But a human baby? Not so much. Even when I was a little girl and all the other little girls were playing 'mama' to their dolls, I was more likely to be playing with my model horses or riding my bike pretending it was a horse. (are you seeing a pattern here?)

Sometimes now, I sorta wish I had an adult child or 2, I get damned lonely. I think I would have been a good mom. But it's too late to start thinking about it now.

[ladyfoxfyre]

Every once in a while I get an urge, usually around the time I am ovulating, but I have never had a desire to have kids. Any urge I feel to have a kid feels more like obligation, my husband and I are pretty well adjusted and intelligent and feel like we should pass some genes on. But for the most part I have gone from "maybe 5 years from now" to "maybe 10 years from now" to "well, I really like having extra time and money and nice things, so maybe never". My husband has gone through a similar internal dialogue.

[kimera]

So, if you say that your sex drive and your "child-rearing drive" are intrinsically linked, does that mean that you engage in sexual activities simply BECAUSE of your intention to have a child? Are you able to have sex simply for its own sake, or does the need to reproduce have to be there in order to ignite your sexual desires?

I'm a 29 year old woman who has the baby rabies after thinking for years that I'd never want to have children. For me, the drive to have children is completely different from my sexual drive. I just got started on a new form of birth control, so I can assure you that I do not have sex in order to reproduce.

I do think sex drive is a good comparison though, because the needs are both consuming and animalistic. There isn't a lot of logic behind it. I mean, you can use logic to pick your partners and chose how and when to engage in sex, but you still really want to do it so much that it can distract your thoughts. I'm in a long distance relationship with my husband at this point in time and, while I'm not to the point of spending time and money to get to him so I can sex him, I still spend a lot of my time thinking about it and wishing I could be with him. If I found out I could never have sex with him again, I'd be devastated.

Similarly if I found out I could never have a child, I'd be devastated, but I'm not to the point where I'm trying to get pregnant (in fact, I'd be horrified if I did now). If I found out I could never have children, I'd probably get over it in time, but it would be difficult. Thoughts of children constantly enter my mind, even though I hate most other people's kids. I went with a friend to a museum yesterday and I kept thinking about how fun it would be to take my future kids there, and I couldn't wait to teach them all about dinosaurs and animal classification. I'm not into babies per se, and I'm going to do my best not to become a parent who only lives for their child, but I really feel I'd be missing something important if I didn't pass on my genes.

Another important aspect of my baby rabies is that it really centers around my husband. My husband thought he'd never want to have kids, but he's changed his mind over time and now seems to have a bit of the baby rabies himself. I work with capuchins and one of my favorite capuchins recently died. I was absolutely crushed and the only thing that made it better was we later found out he'd secretly fathered two babies! The idea of someone I love dying and just being gone is hard for me to take. I know that siblings pass on genes as well and all that, but it isn't the same for me. One of the sons looks and acts just like his dad, which makes it all the more precious.

I think trying to explain baby rabies to someone who doesn't have them is like trying to explain sexual desires to someone who doesn't have them.

[AK84]

31 here. I like kids well enough, but the permanence and constant-ness (sorry, there's probably a better word) of parenting was impressed on me during my baby-sitting years. It's fun teaching kids and fascinating to watch them learn and absorb their world, they have a unique perspective, yadda yadda, but there was always that feeling of relief at the end, of being able to go "Here you go. Here's your child back. *stick out palm* Money, please!" and then go home to my own space. :)

Besides, I have an absolute and utter horror of pregnancy and childbirth. The idea freaks me right the holy hell out. I'd be willing to take in and care for a child someone else had made, but I don't wanna make one myself. (I also have some ... strong opinions about human overpopulation, so there's that, too.)

Mr. Horseshoe also doesn't want kids - doen't really even like 'em all that much, mostly - so it's pretty much a non-issue in our household.
You sound like a couple whom I know very well.Profressional people, successful, suave and disdainful of "baby factories";) and very uncomfortable around kids. Then one day when the wife is 39; BAM she discovers she is pregnant; 4 months in. She give birth to an adorable baby boy. Did'nt change them much thogh, they seemed just as disdainful of the whole matter until two years later when twins were born. Having a brood of their own has mellowed them considerably; they went on a business trip to Europe recently and I remember they asked my mother what thet should do with the kids; (now 7 and 5). Take them along was the advice and from what I heard they had a great time.

Just sayin; best laid plans and all.

[Maastricht]

43 year old woman here with one son, born when I was 40. I never heard the ticking or ringing of my biological clock. When I was 37, I got into a depression, and in an attempt to do whatever I could to get out of it, I left my common-law husband, married my current husband, and had a baby with him. Also because he wanted a child very badly and I knew that at thirty eight, postponing was no longer an option. It all worked out well, but I think that once my depression cleared, I would also have been happy childless. With my son, life is certainly more tiring, it is interesting in a different way then being childless would have been. I look forward to my son growing older so we can co on little adventures together.

[jsgoddess]

40 and childless. I thought at points that I would probably decide to have kids at some point, but I never did, never felt even a twinge throughout my marriage.

I don't mind kids. I don't want any.

[BrknButterfly]

The clock ticking in my ear is deafening.

I was pregnant at the age of 23 and after carrying it for 8 weeks I lost it to an ectopic pregnancy. He (I didn't know that sex but I like saying he vs it) would have been 9 years old in June.

I was married at one point and we were at the part where we were trying to have kids, but realized that we didn't make a good fit and divorced before any children were created. I was 29 when the divorce became final.

I have two siblings, both women, that each have had a baby in the last year. Their first.

Now I am 33 years old and in a relationship that won't lead to kids, even though I want them horribly.

All this, in my mind, makes me feel considerably old because I want kids and I feel that if I keep wasting time I am not going to have them. Not to mention that many people say that after 35 it becomes harder to get pregnant.

So my current frame of mind is, "BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY" to the point that I have talked about having one out of wedlock or if I become single, meeting up with some random guy to get pregnanut.

Let me be clear though, I would never do the last paragraph. If I am ever to have a child, I want to be married and in a healthy relationship. Though my body feels like it is saying, "Fuck it! Lets have a kid!! Now!" I don't know if it is the hormones with getting older or because my sisters have infants and I don't. I don' t understand it myself. I just know that, about 2 weeks every month, I have all these warm and fuzzy feelings about babies. I want one and I want one now.

I don't like the sense of urgency that it is making me feel. It is scaring me and making me feel like one of those going out of business sales, "For a limited time only!!" :rolleyes:

[zombiebacon]

as far back as i can remember i have not wanted children. mark me as one of the "don't want one, don't need one, don't to see/hold/hear you talk about yours". My standard reply to the question is "Children need stuff like food, clothes, time, attention, and love - none of which i am prepared to give"

[Caiata]

I've never wanted children, and like many of the other posters here who share that lack of desire, I don't particularly enjoy being around infants/toddlers. I have never felt the urge to reproduce, and in fact, I am so terrified of motherhood that I have basically zero sex drive. Despite the success rate of multiple types of birth control used correctly and in concert, all I can think about are the statistically rare but utterly horrifying failures and how terrible it would be to fall pregnant. I know that I could just have an abortion and I don't expect that I would feel guilty or conflicted about that in the slightest, were it to actually happen, but that doesn't prevent my brain from shutting down any idea of sex.

Maybe if I could find a doctor to tie my tubes/remove my uterus despite my childlessness (and seriously? "You'll change your mind" or "Best laid plans...." are so very, very condescending, it amazes me that doctors in this modern age can still say those things without repercussion), I could relax and enjoy this sex thing, but as it is, yuck, no thanks :-/

[Ruby]

I'm 51 and have never had a strong urge to reproduce. I briefly wanted to have a baby after marrying my second husband. The notion was more, "Wouldn't your genes combined with my genes be just a little bit of awesome!" rather than, "Babybabybabybabybaby."

Also, all of my close friends either never had children or had older kids. I was never exposed to the whole infant thing and frankly, I'm not all that oogy around them even today.

[Stauderhorse]

I'm 22, which I know is young, but I have never wanted kids in my life. I switch between tolerating and outright hating their presence, and I can't imagine a "biological clock" changing my mind for me. What maternal instinct I have goes towards cute animals.

[raspberry hunter]

Speaking again as someone who hasn't had an urge, I think it's something you really can't understand until you've truly walked a mile in their shoes.<snip>

It's analogous in a way to depression...For most of my life I never had even a little problem with depression. I was born with the most upbeat spirit there is. For most of my youth I was actively hostile to depressives, like why can't they just cheer up?. (Bear with me now!) As I grew to adulthood I began to understand it's probably mostly a chemical & biological thing and it's no one's fault. But I still couldn't fully internalize it, though I became much more sympathetic. And then i finally had my first bout of depression. Mild as hell, and I got over it really fast but I finally had an inkling of understanding.

This... is a really good analogy. (An extremely similar thing happened to me when I had a bout with very-mild hypothyroidism, before which I was disgustingly upbeat and happy all the time.) Thank you, Anaamika.

As for the OP, I have a kid, but put me down as one of the people who got mildly more interested in children as I got older, like, instead of "Babies are bags of poop and spit!" I was more like, "Babies are cute bags of poop and spit but don't ask me to hold one, I might drop it!" But when I had my own, well, it's different... she's really awesome.

[dukette71]

I love kids, but I don't want any of my own. I also feel a strong want to nurture something once in a while, but remember that the fantasy of parenthood is different from the reality. I think I will opt out.

Also, I think too much is made of the "biological imperative" to have kids. I really doubt our caveman ancestors sat around wanting babies. Sex, yes, babies, not so much of an instinctive need. We live in a society where there is pressure to have kids. Some even say that your life is pointless without children. So as women get older they have "baby rabies", but it isn't biological.

[Cat Whisperer]

<snip> Some even say that your life is pointless without children. <snip>I've heard that, too. It doesn't even make sense; if you're a successful parent, your kids grow up and become completely independent in their 20's - does your life become pointless again?

[Taomist]

I love babies, anyone's babies. If I had the money <and time and dedication> I'd definitely be in obstetrics, no doubt about it. The whole process fascinates the HELL out of me. But I've never felt an overwhelming urge to have a child of my own. It's the 'my' part that doesn't matter to me, as the idea of having one with a beloved completely flips my lid in a good way every time I'm hooked up with someone long-term. I've entertained the notion of being a 'baby mama' for my sister, and another friend, when it appeared they might not be able to carry on their own. The idea of being pregnant and giving birth is an experience I've always wanted to try.

But...I'm female. I can have a kid pretty much any time I want, and I've always known that. And *still*...nope. I've been careful, and I've been lucky, and haven't had to face the notion of having a child on my own, and that's a good thing, 'cause I don't want one. Not like that. I don't think I'm old-fashioned...quite far from it, hehe...but raising a child simply isn't something I've ever wanted to do by myself, and my brain has overriden my sometimes-beleaguered emotions and hormones on the matter. Marriage first; then baby<ies>.

As it happens, I didn't marry <legally> until I was 44; if my sweetie had wanted to have a child, I most certainly would have relished the idea, even at this age. But the fact that he already has two and really doesn't want to start another family so late has dampened any emminent desire to have a kid at this point. And...yeah. It's a more tiring thought to entertain at this age, I admit. So, no. Nothing overwhelming. I really enjoy everyone else's babies, though :D Just...don't want one right now, and can't foresee it ever being an option at this point. My brain doesn't often check in with the rest of me regarding relationships, but on this, it's the alpha decider. And...I'm probably better off for that. :p

[kimera]

Also, I think too much is made of the "biological imperative" to have kids. I really doubt our caveman ancestors sat around wanting babies. Sex, yes, babies, not so much of an instinctive need. We live in a society where there is pressure to have kids. Some even say that your life is pointless without children. So as women get older they have "baby rabies", but it isn't biological.

As someone who works with nonhuman primates, I strongly disagree. In many species, including our close relatives, a great deal of juveniles females (and males in some species) are obsessed with babies and will beg/steal them if they can. I once spent a few days working with a capuchin group where, at least once an hour, we'd hear a piercing scream and we'd see a young female, Pod, shrieking at her mother who'd just given birth to a new baby. Pod really wanted to hold that infant and her mother wouldn't let her. Now, a year later, Pod has her own baby and she couldn't be happier.

In some species, the young females love the babies so much that they'll steal them and even end up killing them as they can't properly feed them. This obsession with babies continues into adulthood for many of the ladies. One rhesus macaque gave birth to twins and a jealous female in her group, not content with her new baby, stole another one so she'd have two as well. In this case, social pressures probably added to it, and I do not deny that there are social contributions that cause women to want to have children, but you can't deny the strong biological urges.

Not all females are obsessed with babies, however. One of my favorite monkeys, Dante, was never very interested in babies. When she had her first, Virgil, she didn't care for him properly and s/he later died. I've heard she's pregnant again, but I imagine she'll be one of those mothers that seems to do it out of duty rather than because she's interested in babies.

[sandra_nz]

Some even say that your life is pointless without children.

Yes, I had a conversation with a colleague who was curious as to why I didn't want children, and he told me that having children gave his life meaning and purpose, with the implication that by not having children, my life had neither of those.

I asked him if he had felt his like was meaningless and purposeless before he had children. He had to admit he didn't.

I think we attribute meaning and purpose to the things we do in life, regardless of what they are. When someone is a parent, a large proportion of what they do is related to being a parent, therefore that is what they feel is meaningful and purposeful in their lives.

[Maastricht]

Thanks for that fascinating post, kimera. I just read a book about empathy in non-human primates by Frans de Waal (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UONxT4Tb3C0), and your post gives yet another insight in the biological roots of such statistics like this one (http://www.cbs.nl/nl-NL/menu/themas/bevolking/publicaties/artikelen/archief/2004/2004-1469-wm.htm): In the Netherlands, one in five (higher educated) women aged 45 will have remained childless.

[nashiitashii]

I love kids, but I don't want any of my own. I also feel a strong want to nurture something once in a while, but remember that the fantasy of parenthood is different from the reality. I think I will opt out.
This is a fairly good description of my own feelings toward parenthood. Kids are great and fun, but I get all my nurturing fulfillment through having dogs and helping other people's kids along. Love my nephew, like working with kids and young adults, but have no interest in being pregnant and less interest in actually having a child.

Edit: As for biological urges, I have none for that. I can squee at cute babies, dogs, cats, etc. but that doesn't mean I ever want one of my own to keep.

[Manda JO]

Yes, I had a conversation with a colleague who was curious as to why I didn't want children, and he told me that having children gave his life meaning and purpose, with the implication that by not having children, my life had neither of those.


Did he make that implication explicit? I mean, teaching gives my life meaning and purpose, but that doesn't mean I think everyone who isn't a teacher is a waste of carbon.

[BDBoop]

I'm asking this mostly out of pure curiosity.

There was a time, in my early twenties, I wasn't sure I wanted kids. The idea of losing all that personal freedom wasn't very appealing.

Right around the time I turned 24 I began warming up to the idea, and putting kids in the long-term plan. And then a couple of years ago... BAM! Completely out of the blue, every cell in my body became primed for childrearing. I was skeptical about the notion of a biological clock until this happened. Since then, the urge to procreate has grown ever stronger, and somedays I'm just overcome with a powerful urge to nurture something (needless to say, my cat has become very spoiled.) It's beyond weird. I didn't even used to be that interested in small children, and now it's like I have baby radar.

So my question is, those of you who are not interested in having children - have you experienced anything like a biological clock urging you to procreate? If so, it is a case of your rational mind overcoming your biological instinct - or do you feel no such instinct?

I guess on a broader level I'm just curious if most women experience this biological urge to have children, or it's just a few of us. And I wonder if child-free women never have that urge at all.

Thanks,

Christy

Never had it, and I can guarantee that 43 hours of labor made my baby girl an only child.

[BDBoop]

Nope. Any mothering needs I had were covered by co-parenting the Bros. Realizing how much of a parent I'd been to them helped me both realize that I'd already "mommy-ed" (BTDT, got the puked-on Tshirt) and that, if I had been a Mom, I might not have done as horrid a job as I used to fear I would (Mom, her sister, their mom, and both of their grandmas, were pretty bad mothers in different ways - from the mild case of letting her good-for-nothing husband run roughshod over her to the worst one of sexually abusing her own children).

My daughter felt the same, 'helping' *i.e., it was all on her, whether the parental units were home or not* my sister raise her deranged lunatics. Therefore, my daughter thought she'd never want children.

She's pregnant with her 3rd.

[Gala Matrix Fire]

I'm 45 and I have never felt a particular urge to have children. On occasion I've been so swept away by love or lust that I wanted to have a baby with a certain man, but I've never felt pangs at seeing other people's babies.

I hope I'd love my kids like crazy if I had them, but I don't have any and I am fine with that.

[olivesmarch4th]

I always say that kids should be the farthest thing from a person's mind until she is financially secure enough to take care of both herself & whatever child she may wind up with; so ultimately, I guess, if this "drive" ever gets to be too much, why not just get a cat or something?

Then again, what the Hell do I know?
All I can tell you is my own experience. I've always been a very education/career-driven individual. Kids were ''adopting someday, probably.'' I didn't much think of it beyond that. I've never liked kids all that much - they freak me out a little, being so vulnerable and all. But I've had kids in my life that I adore beyond words, so I know those kinds of bonds can exist.

When I first began recovering from depression, I wasn't sure I wanted children at all, ever. I had just gotten the first opportunity to really enjoy the life I was given and I needed to just take care of me for a while. But that gets old. You can only ask yourself ''Am I personally fulfilled?'' so many times before it gets boring. I don't need that kind of attention anymore. I've done the job of raising myself and now I want to share the love in this household with someone else. Because seriously, what we got up in the Casa de Olives is so awesome, it'd be a shame not to share it.

What I described above is purely psychological. But the biological clock is a total other thing. What I'm talking about is not a desire to have sex, but a desire to nurture and rear another human being. And yes, it is physical, it is absolutely freaking bizarre because I never in my life thought I would go through it. No one in my family had it.
It is a desire for physical and emotional contact and closeness with a child. It has absolutely nothing to do with sex.

As for not having a kid when you're not ready, I completely agree. I don't advocate people just have children because they really, really want to. That is something that I have had to come to terms with myself because while I may be psychologically prepared to do this, my husband is not, and we are really not in the optimal financial situation either. So we wait. Because it's really about what's best for the child.

I have a cat, by the way. I nurture the hell out of my cat and sometimes it does help. But a cat is not a child. A cat does not transform into a full-fledged human being with its own wishes, hopes, desires. A cat does not form relationships and make mistakes and learn from them and grow and contribute to society. A cat is not a child.

Or who plan children and discover that the outcome cannot be planned or controlled.

"What?, you aren't perfect."

You make a good point (both you and Manda Jo) regarding the planned/not planned concept. I guess I just got this idea because many children in my family were unplanned. My mother was not at all prepared to become a mother at the age of 18, neither were my aunt or uncle prepared to become parents at age 15 and 16, and it affected the quality of life for all involved. My husband was also unplanned and for a long time felt responsible for his parents' disastrous marriage. Sr. Olives and I, for the first 4 years of our marriage, used two different forms of birth control every time because we were both that concerned about an unplanned pregnancy.

But in a way I had to confront the inherent risk of having a kid when I first started looking into adoption. So many factors can play into the adoption experience, it's scary to think of all the ways it can go wrong - but then I realized it's no different giving birth. Having a kid is just a risk, period. You never know. That's part of the adventure.

So yeah, I definitely see where you're coming from there.

I think this is a really important point. Sometimes there is so much animosity between childfree women and women who have or want to have children, it seems like they are not communicating at all. I believe it's because they really can't communicate at the most basic level. There is some deep, biological urge to have children that some women get and some women don't, and there's no way to communicate what that feels like from one group to the other.

It would be like a straight man and a gay man trying to convince each other to be aroused by a woman or a man. Totally pointless.
I have to wonder if the gap is overstated a bit here. I don't think it helps to consider we're so fundamentally different. I'm not really much different now than before I was ready to have kids.

[VitrolicBump]

I'm 33 and have never wanted kids. And the thing is, in contrast with some of the posters here, I really like kids. I've worked with elementary school kids and enjoyed almost every moment of it. I like playing with babies and toddlers, and I like talking with older kids. (I loathe teenagers in general, though, go figure.)

But I don't like being responsible for their safety, I don't like disciplining them when they're being assholes, I don't like having to pay attention to them constantly, I don't have the energy to keep up with them 24 hours a day with no break and no privacy (kill me now), and I have never, ever, ever in my life thought to myself, "Man, I would love to have one of these of my very own." On the contrary, I'm relieved I don't have kids. I see the changes and the sacrifices that my friends have had to make since they've had kids, and I think, "Thank GOD I don't need to worry about that."

I also am frankly terrified of pregnancy and childbirth.

Ever since I was a child, I've told everyone I don't want children. I'm 30. Doesn't mean I'm not good with them or don't like them, I just don't have the energy or drive. I have epilepsy so I would probably have to burden the father or get a livein nanny to help me get sleep. I see my family loves children, which is great but I really don't want any. Doesn't mean I don't think about what my children would look like but really...I am selfish with my time. I don't want to lock myself in my bathroom, with a child screaming "MOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMYYYYY!" banging on the door while I'm just trying to get me-time.

I think this is funny because apparently my body was programmed to want to get pregnant. My doc has said that while I am not seemingly fertile, my body wants to get pregnant (there are things that happen to my body during ovulation that are quite irritating, literally). But no, psychologically and physically, no. Don't want a child. My nieces and nephews are fine. If I regret not having children when I'm older, well, I'll live. I think one thing my parents are worried about is who will take care of me when I get old. lol

[olivesmarch4th]

Ever since I was a child, I've told everyone I don't want children.
Vitriolic Bump? In a thread about being child-free? Love it!

[VitrolicBump]

I think this is a really important point. Sometimes there is so much animosity between childfree women and women who have or want to have children, it seems like they are not communicating at all. I believe it's because they really can't communicate at the most basic level. There is some deep, biological urge to have children that some women get and some women don't, and there's no way to communicate what that feels like from one group to the other.

It would be like a straight man and a gay man trying to convince each other to be aroused by a woman or a man. Totally pointless.

It's not just between childfree women and women who have/want children, it's between just people like this. I don't want any and my bro and sis barely contact me and we live close. When we are together, I can tell there is a thick fog around, like pea soup. It's like we have nothing in common...why talk? Quite frustrating.

[Laggard]

24, no bio urges yet. I don't expect them to come. Unlike a lot of childfree people, I don't have the overwhelming urge to be a pet mama either (although I am thinking about it).
.

It's truly amazing how many times we've heard this from acquaintances only to find out they eventually sold out and had kids.

My wife has a half dozen punk rock expat friends who swore up and down that they never wanted kids but are now in the midst of motherhood.

[saffsez]

"But I don't like being responsible for their safety, I don't like disciplining them when they're being assholes, I don't like having to pay attention to them constantly, I don't have the energy to keep up with them 24 hours a day with no break and no privacy (kill me now), and I have never, ever, ever in my life thought to myself, "Man, I would love to have one of these of my very own." On the contrary, I'm relieved I don't have kids. I see the changes and the sacrifices that my friends have had to make since they've had kids, and I think, "Thank GOD I don't need to worry about that."

I also am frankly terrified of pregnancy and childbirth."

Totally my thoughts about this, too. I'm 33 and I value my own time way to much to take care of someone else 24/7.

[VitrolicBump]

Vitriolic Bump? In a thread about being child-free? Love it!

Lol, no OM4; if you notice, it's not spelled vitriolic...:P

[olivesmarch4th]

Lol, no OM4; if you notice, it's not spelled vitriolic...:P
Okay, it was almost the perfect thread/username combo.

Now I have to know what your username means.

[aruvqan]

49 and never wanted any kids. Pregnant 3 times, would have accepted having kids but totally unable to carry without my body shutting down.

I really do not like kids until they are housebroken and coherent. Hell, I don't actually like puppies or kittens, I prefer adult animals. Oddly enough I have functioned just fine with 6 goddaughters, though it is probably because I know I can give them back at the end of the day/weekend/vacation.

mrAru and I had discussed it, and had agreed that if he wanted kids we could adopt one or two but we had to have a nanny. I have a temper that has a long slow burn with a violent explosion at the end of it and I do not want to be one of those abusive moms that kids end up in therapy about.