Should let my son shave his head? [Archive] - Straight Dope Message Board

Shakes

08-17-2011, 06:39 PM

First off my son is moderately autistic.

Also, I shave my head but I didn't start doing so until I started to thin up top.

I let him do this once when he was 8. (He is currently 13) I only agreed to do so because I made a deal with him: If he could learn to read his Dr. Seuss book (Green eggs and ham I think) During the week, when I picked him up from his mothers next weekend; I'd shave his head for him. I felt comfortable making this bet because I didn't think he would be able to pull it off. But still, in the process, get a lot of practice in.

Well, he sure showed me. My Jaw hit the floor when he read it the following weekend with out mistake. A man of my word, I made good on my bet.

Anyway, my kid is now bugging me to let him shave his head. I don't know man, I just don't fell comfortable with this, but I can't explain why. Part of it is I don't want the other parents and teachers thinking I'm a freak for letting him do such a thing.

But I don't know if that in itself is a valid reason.

What do you guys think?

gurujulp

08-17-2011, 06:41 PM

I took my 7 year old to a professional salon and paid $150 to bleach, then dye, her hair pink for her birthday, so I am the wrong dude to ask.

Let it happen!

I expect her to have a mohawk at age thirteen- I told her she had to be able to do it herself.

She is nine.

Left Hand of Dorkness

08-17-2011, 06:42 PM

Anyway, my kid is now bugging me to let him shave his head. I don't know man, I just don't fell comfortable with this, but I can't explain why. Part of it is I don't want the other parents and teachers thinking I'm a freak for letting him do such a thing.

But I don't know if that in itself is a valid reason.

What do you guys think?
Never dealt with teenagers from the outside, but here's what I think I'd do:

1) Explain my reservations, which would be that people would think he was a skinhead or something.
2) Make sure he knows what a skinhead is (being willing to be educated if he's more knowledgeable than me--it's been decades since I hung out with the SHARPs in front of the post office on Friday nights).
3) Make sure he's not wanting to do it out of some oogy motive, like admiring the local NaziSkins or something.
4) If he was cool about it and not oogy about it and seemed like he'd be confidently able to deal with suspicions from other people, I'd say go for it.

Ruken

08-17-2011, 06:50 PM

Algher

08-17-2011, 07:15 PM

Buzz cut - no sweat. He will just look like a kid who wants to be a Marine.

Thudlow Boink

08-17-2011, 07:23 PM

Never dealt with teenagers from the outside, but here's what I think I'd do:

1) Explain my reservations, which would be that people would think he was a skinhead or something.
2) Make sure he knows what a skinhead is (being willing to be educated if he's more knowledgeable than me--it's been decades since I hung out with the SHARPs in front of the post office on Friday nights).
3) Make sure he's not wanting to do it out of some oogy motive, like admiring the local NaziSkins or something.I never even thought of this; skinheads are just totally not on my radar.

The shaved-head look is fairly common and mainstream nowadays (for example, I just happen to have this boxtop (http://images.marketplaceadvisor.channeladvisor.com/hi/79/79452/trivialpersuit_digitalchoice_02.jpg) sitting nearby) (ETA: and I can think of a number of ballplayers who have, or have had, shaved heads), and my guess is that he's seen guys he admires with the look (including, quite possibly, Shakes himself!) and wants to be like them. Why not?

Left Hand of Dorkness

08-17-2011, 07:27 PM

I never even thought of this; skinheads are just totally not on my radar.
Probably it's not a big concern, but I'd just want to be perfectly clear on the topic, having known several skinheads of all political stripes when I was a teenager myself. Kind of like how if my kid declared herself a witch or a Christian, I'd ask for some details :).

ZenBeam

08-17-2011, 07:29 PM

I'd let him. It's his life, let him live it like he wants if it doesn't hurt him. The hair will grow back pretty quickly if he doesn't like it.

boytyperanma

08-17-2011, 07:40 PM

I'd push for a buzz cut over shaving, but if that's what he wants. I wouldn't fight him too much on it, there are other battles to be won, this one doesn't seem that important.

After he gets a sunburn on his scalp mock him for his choice.

Yeticus Rex

08-17-2011, 07:40 PM

Ask him if he would settle for a buzz cut (like a #2 clipper cut) (http://www.hairfinder.com/hairquestions/clipper_cuts.htm). There is just enough hair left to keep a person from being bald, but it is a very clean looking cut that shows your scalp. Here is me (http://www.nouilles.info/sdpix/31728.html) with a #2 cut.

the lone cashew

08-17-2011, 07:41 PM

I would let him - as Zenbeam, and others have said. It's harmless and will always grow out if/when he gets bored with the trend. Heck yeah. Of all the things a young teen could want, this is nothing. :)

GilaB

08-17-2011, 07:49 PM

Never make a promise you don't intend to keep, but try giving him a buzz cut and see if that satisfies him.

WhyNot

08-17-2011, 08:00 PM

Joey P

08-17-2011, 08:26 PM

Another vote for letting him do it. If we're truly talking about taking a razor to it, it'll go from shaved to 'buzzed' in a few days. Then you can take him to a barber shop/Great Clips/Fantastic Sams type place and have them clean it up (shorter on the sides) so it doesn't grow out like a basketball.

JoelUpchurch

08-17-2011, 08:35 PM

I go for a 0# clipper cut. I know a lot of guys that shave their head, but I think it is too much hassle. When he starts asking for tattoos or piercings, then you have a problem.

needscoffee

08-17-2011, 08:38 PM

He earned it, fair and square. You made him a deal, he lived up to his end of the deal, and if you back out now, you'll be teaching him a terrible lesson. I see no bad consequences to his shaving his head, and it'll grow in to buzz-cut level in a couple of weeks. Nobody is going to equate a 13-year-old's shaved head with skinheads - that's ridiculous. You should be very proud of him, as I bet he is of himself. Don't take his moment away from him.

WhyNot

08-17-2011, 08:50 PM

needscoffee

08-17-2011, 08:59 PM

I believe the reading bargain was when the kid was 8, and Dad did make good on his promise. This is a second time the kid wants to shave his head, 5 years after the first.Oh! I need to start reading for comprehension!

He'd probably get so annoyed with people wanting to stroke his scalp that he'll want to grow it back quickly.

SeaDragonTattoo

08-17-2011, 08:59 PM

Could his level of autism have something to do with it? I wonder if having hair that moves around, or that he has to wash and comb, might really bother him. Shaving it off or at least to a really short buzz might be a relief to him.

I wouldn't think anything of a 13-year-old with a shaved head, personally.

Moonlitherial

08-17-2011, 09:01 PM

As someone who let her son bleach the hell out of his hair at 15 so he could dye it purple I'm going to have to vote -let him. It hair, it grows back and it's a great medium for self expression.

aruvqan

08-17-2011, 10:21 PM

I agree, it will grow back, so it really isn't a big deal. Ever think he is doing it to look like you?

Rhiannon8404

08-17-2011, 10:26 PM

As someone whose son has had hair so long he could donate 18 inches to Lock of Love when he was 12, I say it's only hair. Let him!

China Guy

08-17-2011, 10:45 PM

Maybe he's a reincarnated buddhist monk getting his own back. All that stuff you thought was a byproduct of autism was actually tibetan tantric chanting. :) *

*I have an autistic 6 year old and hope you find the comment as amusing as I do.

mnemosyne

08-17-2011, 11:14 PM

I'd like to think that I'd be completely comfortable with this sort of thing if I were a parent. Who does it harm? Is it permanent? If the answers are "no one' and "no" then why prevent it? In a couple of years - or maybe even at this age - the kid's just going to find a friend to do it for him without parental permission anyways if it's what he really wants. I'd rather be permissive on little things but firm on the permanent things (tattoos, those ear-hole-stretching piercings...I'm fine with other piercings) than be so strict as to have a kid go behind my back.

This doesn't seem like a battle worth fighting, and besides, in less than a month he'll have enough hair to get a different style if he doesn't like it (or at least that's about true for my husband's hair!)

Let him do it.

Nava

08-17-2011, 11:53 PM

Are there really going to be that many negative reactions? Plenty of kids that age shaved their heads in the summer when I was in school in the 90s. It certainly wasn't popular, but hey, it's hot out. I don't think anyone blinked.

Make that boys and the 80s and you have my response. At that point I was fighting my mother because I wanted to grow my hair, but several other girls expressed envy of the guys, who could get a 00-shave; my BFF got to have a real-short haircut after her First Communion and has kept her hair short since. She used the birth of her first daughter as an excuse to finally get that 00 :D

jackdavinci

08-18-2011, 12:24 AM

I don't see any issue with it as a "statement". I think you having a reaction to it will be a much bigger deal than any other source of consequence. Personally I think a really close buzz looks better, but shaved will turn into that shortly if you don't keep up with it.

The only reservation I would have is letting a young person play with razors.

When I went through my shaving my head phase, I quickly abandoned it because it's a little tricky area to clean shave, and it's a much too tedious task for me to want to bother having to upkeep every few days. I found the close buzz to be much easier to do, with less frequent upkeep, and more aesthetically pleasing.

Could his level of autism have something to do with it? I wonder if having hair that moves around, or that he has to wash and comb, might really bother him.

Even as a non autistic person, sometimes I just get sick of having hair on my head and out comes the buzzer!

ryan

08-18-2011, 02:03 AM

Sure, why not? It's just hair and it will grow back.
I've buzzed and/or shaved my head for years and as a late teen/early twenty-something I had hair down to my shoulders. It's just about the least permanent self-expression style choice you can make.
As it happens, I'm due to break out the clippers and razor any day now.

Shakes

08-18-2011, 02:50 AM

I'd let him. You let him before, so precedent is set, and it'd be really difficult to come up with a reasonable reason why it was okay at 8, but it isn't okay at 13.

Why does it make you uncomfortable, do you know?

Being autistic, he doesn't always pick up on social norms. I was kind of worried that the other kids at school might give him a ration of shit. I was especially concerned minority groups thinking he's a skinhead. (As in racist)

But then again, I'm old and I got kicked out of the "Cool Kids Club" a long time ago. So maybe kids don't think like that anymore. Which is a good thing.

Thinks for the input guys. I guess I'll let him have at it.

Annie-Xmas

08-18-2011, 08:31 AM

I've always heard that the first rule of parenthood is "Pick your battles wisely," and I would guess that counts double for the parent of an autistic child.

Let him do it if he wants. No great harm done.

DCnDC

08-18-2011, 08:47 AM

I go for a 0# clipper cut.

I vote for this. It's what I do and it's the best decision I ever made. It's quick and easy to maintain, easy to clean, and saves me a ton of time; it's always ready to go, even immediately after getting up in the morning. The last thing I need to worry about when leaving the house is what my damn hair looks like.

kittenblue

08-18-2011, 08:59 AM

What does his mom think?

Ca3799

08-18-2011, 10:14 AM

My 13 y.o. switches between long hair and a #2 buzz fairly regularly. I guess it depends on what persona he's trying on at the time. Last year he went for surfer look, this year he's sporting a buzz cut and uniform style clothing. Last year he was in junior ROTC and this year he is not, so he's a bit out of sync, but that's cool with me. He has Asperger's, but I think changing styles is a normal activity in the teen years (and beyond). My kid is usually on "the outs" socially, but that's normal for us. He doesn't really like teens, but likes adults quite a bit. C'est la vie (sp?)

I don't think I go for the shave, but a #2 buzz cut would be acceptable to me.

WhyNot

08-18-2011, 10:48 AM

I'd like to think that I'd be completely comfortable with this sort of thing if I were a parent. Who does it harm? Is it permanent? If the answers are "no one' and "no" then why prevent it?

That's pretty much my thinking for my kids, as well. But I'll offer another point of view, from my stepmom's hindsight in dealing with my stepbrother. Kids need something to rebel against. If you let them do everything that's okay with you, then they'll keep pushing the envelope until they've found the thing that really isn't okay with you. For my 'bro, it went like this: He wanted to grow his hair long. Mom shrugged. So he started not brushing his hair. Mom shrugged. So he stopped washing his hair. Mom inwardly went "ew" and outwardly shrugged - it was only himself he was "hurting", right? So then he stopped bathing entirely. Well, that was Not Okay, and of course she put her foot down, which caused the battles. In retrospect, she thinks perhaps she should have put on a bit of a show of resistance when he started growing it long. Not ultimately prevented him from doing it, but let him think that it annoyed her, so that he could express his individuality by growing his hair, rather than by being a gross stinky boy.

*shrug* I think it depends on the kid. My 'bro was a real hardheaded nutcase.

a35362

08-18-2011, 10:55 AM

He doesn't admire skinheads -- he admires his dad and wants to be like him.

Awww! :)

Chronos

08-18-2011, 11:03 AM

The thing about hair is, it grows back. If for some reason it turns out to be a bad idea, well, it'll take care of itself with time.

randomface

08-18-2011, 11:03 AM

When I was 17, my parents kept griping about me needing to get a haircut. I told them I would when they paid for it. Fast forward a month or two, they told me I had to or they wouldn't pay for something, I don't remember what. I went to the barber's shop and got my head shaved. I even paid a few bucks extra for a straight razor shave. My parents were pissed, but I told them if I had to pay for my haircut I was going to get my money's worth. They got over it in less than a day.

I regretted it in less than two days. I was working at a golf course and got a peeling sunburn on my head in an afternoon.

I vote for let him do it. Echoing others, it grows back, it won't get him ostracized, and it feels nice in the summer.

DCnDC

08-18-2011, 11:06 AM

...and buy him a hat.

ratatoskK

08-18-2011, 11:14 AM

Another vote for letting him do it.

guestchaz

08-18-2011, 11:30 AM

Well if you are that worried about school, could you talk to the school officials? Get their input? They are there all day everyday, I would think that they would have some relevant input if you asked about the possibilities of your son being mistaken for a skinhead or picked on for having a shaved head.

pbbth

08-18-2011, 12:09 PM

Oh! I need to start reading for comprehension!

He'd probably get so annoyed with people wanting to stroke his scalp that he'll want to grow it back quickly.

When I was in school there were several guys who learned that if they gave themselves a close buzz cut that girls would stand in front of them and ask to feel their heads, which meant they got to lean forward and basically shove their face in a girl's cleavage. It became a very popular hair cut once that little discovery was made!

DigitalC

08-18-2011, 12:19 PM

It's a haircut, i honestly don't understand why you would be involved in the decision at all in the first place.

tdn

08-18-2011, 01:58 PM

Yes to the bald head, no to the swastika tattoo on the back of his neck.

Mama Zappa

08-18-2011, 04:22 PM

Generally I'd say no big deal - but would his mother freak? would it cause you any difficulties there?

BobArrgh

08-18-2011, 08:09 PM

How long is his hair right now? Can it be donated to those charities that collect hair to make wigs for people who are undergoing chemotherapy? You might check into that and allow him to donate his hair. So, if anyone asks him, he can say he did it for charity.

There is a poster at my work advertising such a charity or event. It shows the back of a head with long hair with a reverse-mohawk going all the way up. The caption says, "The hair grows back, but the feeling never goes away."

Since you said your son is autistic, I doubt he is identifying with Skinheads. He is probably just trying to be like you.

I say cut it as short as he wants; it will grow back in a few weeks.

Shakes

08-18-2011, 08:27 PM

It's a haircut, i honestly don't understand why you would be involved in the decision at all in the first place.

Generally agree. But if my son might encounter potential harm; I have to get involved.

Generally I'd say no big deal - but would his mother freak? would it cause you any difficulties there?

Mom is on the fence. Which basically translates to: "Ask your Dad." (Not a slam on her. Just say'n)

China Guy

08-25-2011, 08:48 PM

So, did he get a sunburn yet?

Farmer Jane

08-25-2011, 09:14 PM

Let him. He wants to express himself.

My son is six and he can wear whatever he wants (within reason if we're going to school or something). He picks out his own clothes (http://a8.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/314030_789772467902_42111580_38520317_4407624_n.jpg) when we shop. He frequently wears a tie to school or a cape to the movie theatre. He also has manly-smelling body and wears hair product (http://a6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/318633_788294330102_42111580_38497738_3609551_n.jpg).

Rachellelogram

08-25-2011, 09:27 PM

The swimmers at my high school shaved their heads every year. No biggie. Why you want to police your child's choice of hairstyle is a better question. Why do you care?

Manda JO

08-26-2011, 05:14 AM

The swimmers at my high school shaved their heads every year. No biggie. Why you want to police your child's choice of hairstyle is a better question. Why do you care?

He's explained this a couple times. His son is mildly autistic, and so misses a lot of social cues. He's concerned that others at school might interpret the shaved head look as a statement of racial prejudice (i.e., trying to be a skinhead) or other negative connotations and the boy might face permanent social consequences--social consequences that he really can't see right now.

I think that's a pretty legitimate concern. He's not being a control freak, he's gathering opinions to make sure his son isn't about to make a terrible mistake.

Yeticus Rex

08-26-2011, 02:55 PM

He's explained this a couple times. His son is mildly autistic, and so misses a lot of social cues. He's concerned that others at school might interpret the shaved head look as a statement of racial prejudice (i.e., trying to be a skinhead) or other negative connotations and the boy might face permanent social consequences--social consequences that he really can't see right now.

I think that's a pretty legitimate concern. He's not being a control freak, he's gathering opinions to make sure his son isn't about to make a terrible mistake.
Exactly.
As a father of an autistic son as well, this is a daily of concern of mine. I try to teach him how to respond to certain cues (correctly), but some social cues he may never understand, so we have to err on the side of safety. Shakes issue could be seen as one of those issues where safety might be an issue. It depends on the population of kids that his son may be around that is the determining factor. And we know how cruel some teenage kids can be.