Let's hear some parenting advice for older kids!

[Elret]

People are always full of advice for parents when they bring that squishy little newborn home from the hospital, but the well seems to dry up as they get older. While I of course ignored most advice when I was a new parent, I always like reading threads providing it as a lot of it is quite sweet and heartwarming.

Anyone have any (non-judgemental) advice for parents of toddlers, tweens, teens, and beyond? My kids are 2 and 5 right now, go ahead, lay some wisdom on me!

[keturah]

I have a nearly 4 year old and a 6 month old. Sounds like we share an age gap in our kids ages though you are a bit ahead of me. Any thoughts on the gap? We tried to make it narrower, but it didn't happen for us, so here we are. I have been told multiple times that it is ideal usually they say it is because the 1st is well out of diapers when 2 comes along so it is really from a parenting perspective rather than from the kids perspective. Do you find that your kids enjoy each other for the most part? Also, what are your childrens genders?

ETA: Sorry for no wisdom yet, it will be forthcoming if I have any!

[Elret]

Mine are exactly 3 years apart and I think it's pretty much perfect. The 5-yr-old is a girl and the 2-yr-old is a boy, and as you say, she was well out of diapers and well-ready to give up being the baby and embrace big-siblinghood. They have their occasional moments of annoying each other but for the most part they absolutely adore each other, and now that he's really becoming a viable playmate, they regularly have a fabulous time playing together. The most challenging time was probably when he was a year to a year-and-a-half, when he was getting into all her stuff and she was rightfully irritated and he was rightfully heartbroken by her irritation. Now that he really gets the concept of sharing, it's far more rare for them to bicker.

How about you? What are your kids' genders? How does the 4-year-old enjoy being a big sibling so far?

Ooh! And I have some unsolicited advice! When #2 arrived, we were very careful to word things so that she didn't feel like she was ever being pushed aside for the baby. We never, ever said we couldn't do something with her because we had to tend to the baby. Like, instead of "I can't play right now, I have to feed the baby", it would be "Sure, I'd love to play. I'll be ready in 10 minutes.". Of course, she's not dumb, she knew why the delay, but I think it helped to not always be clarifying it in her mind that HE was the reason she had to wait. Oh, and we also tried never to call him "the baby". We used his name, or went out of our way to also refer to him as "your brother", which seemed to make her proud. Kind of obvious stuff, I guess, but I don't see it happen too much, and I genuinely believe it played a part in how well they get along.

[Silver Fire]

I have an 8 year old and a 10 month old. I was worried about the age gap because the bigger one had been an only child for so long I figured he wouldn't be able to adjust. Boy was I wrong.

Anyway, advice for the bigger one. I have always talked to him like he's a person. No tone changes (high-pitched baby talk drives me crazy), no real vocabulary changes, nothing that sets him apart from anybody else I talk to. I think this is beneficial first because he learns words and how not to talk like a moron and second because... I don't know. I think it's a respect thing. Yeah, I'm not treating him "special", but I'm also not treating him stupid and he's been able to have actual conversations with adults since he was, like, three.

Giving them choices is important but there's a difference between giving them choices and allowing them to be demanding.*

Also, don't ever let them win anything. Not ever.*

I know some people hate the Whys of parenting, but you kind of have to answer them (when they're a little older and can be reasoned with) and "Because I said so" is almost always not good enough. I've had to say "Because I said so" because there really was no reason, but if you can rationalize things for them I think it makes everything go smoothly. "No, you can't go to your friend's house." "Why?" "Because I said so." "YOU NEVER LET ME DO ANYTHING EVER AND BLAHBLAHBLAH." vs "Because we are going to X instead/because I'm making dinner/because you've been outside all day and I think it's time to come in now, etc." "Oh. Okay."

Actively listen to your kids. My son like Bakugans and Star Wars and monster trucks and 100 other things I don't actually give a shit about but they're important to him so when he's blahblahing about this and that, I'm actually there listening to him. I don't care, I really don't, but he doesn't know that. And I'm not LYING to him. I do the same thing with my SO when he gets going about gun stuff that I don't actually care about. I do the same thing with my nephew when he starts in about video games I don't play or care about.

Stop doing things for them as soon as they can do it themselves. Dressing, shoe tying, teeth brushing, picking things up, etc. They'll take longer (sometimes a LOT longer) to do these things and they won't do them as well (tell a five year old to clean his room; nothing is EVER where it's "supposed" to be), but how else are they going to learn?

* I had real-life examples illustrating both these points but my post was probably twice as long and full of all kinds of judgmental goodness and basically just me ranting about my sister's failed attempts at raising well-behaved children. So... trust me. Reign in their choice-making abilities and kick their asses at Monopoly every single time until they get good enough to actually beat you.

[maggenpye]

Notice the good stuff. If they do some chore without being asked (or without whining when you ask) tell them you appreciate it. Tell them you like that outfit they picked out or the way they've combed their hair.

Give them a set amount of pocket money each week. And that's their treat money, if they blow it on candy and soda it's their choice. You don't buy candy and soda - ever. If they save for something that's beyond their reach, wait till they've made a decent stab at it (never less than half) and help out a little. Consider it interest.

When she was about six/seven, the kid started to complain about the lunches I made, she's been making her own ever since. She does not complain about dinners.:D

[Askance]

People are always full of advice for parents when they bring that squishy little newborn home from the hospital, but the well seems to dry up as they get older. While I of course ignored most advice when I was a new parent, I always like reading threads providing it as a lot of it is quite sweet and heartwarming.

Anyone have any (non-judgemental) advice for parents of toddlers, tweens, teens, and beyond? My kids are 2 and 5 right now, go ahead, lay some wisdom on me!
Children should not get a vote in anything they don't contribute to. If they don't help cook or shop, they get no say in what they eat. If they don't come clothes shopping with you, they wear what they're given. Your decision is final, and the more they argue with it the less they get what (they say they) want. Realise that their expressed preferences are irrational, erratic and ill-informed, and you do not win their love and favour by pandering to them.

You don't ask kids what they want, you tell them what they're getting. A family is not a democracy, it's a benevolent oligarchy. To act otherwise is to set them false expectations for them on the way the world works.

Notice the good stuff. If they do some chore without being asked (or without whining when you ask) tell them you appreciate it. Tell them you like that outfit they picked out or the way they've combed their hair.

Give them a set amount of pocket money each week. And that's their treat money, if they blow it on candy and soda it's their choice. You don't buy candy and soda - ever. If they save for something that's beyond their reach, wait till they've made a decent stab at it (never less than half) and help out a little. Consider it interest.

When she was about six/seven, the kid started to complain about the lunches I made, she's been making her own ever since. She does not complain about dinners.:D
This is all excellent advice! You cannot buy their friendship with treats and favours. They will NOT stop loving you just because you don't give them what they state that they want; quite the opposite. Kids want rules and boundaries (no matter how much they complain when you enforce them), your main role is to provide them.

Any complaint on services rendered should be met by "since you think you know better, you can do it from now on". Complaints, bad behaviour, and actions must have consequences - reliably and fairly. You must be calm and rational and predictable, not erratic.

But any positive action or expressed thought must be picked up on and reinforced immediately and without exception. As a kid they do 90% of things wrong, and the temptation is to assume that everything they've done is wrong. But you need to extract any positive message you can from their actions and thoughts. If they ever get to feel that they can never do anything right, that there's no pleasing you no matter what, that's a death-spiral for their self-esteem and confidence. Underneath they want to know what's right, what they need to do in order to win your admiration, and they must get regular reinforcement of that.

And, always remember that kids are "stupid". That is, they are not adults and can't divine your intent behind your criticism, sarcasm, or meaningful silence. Just tell them straight up what you mean, they do not take hints and will misunderstand anything subtle. Compared to you have have a tiny tiny vocabulary and you need to state things in simple terms, don't rely on implication, innuendo, aphorisms, what your parents told you - just say what you mean.

[CairoCarol]

Mantras are good - just a very few statements that convey messages that are really important for your child to hear. Use them all the time, and the message will indeed sink in!

A friend of mine raised his kids by saying: "You know what Mick says!" The answer being: "you can't always get what you want, you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you just might find, you get what you need." All of his kids could sing that ditty by the time they were 5.

When my kid was little, we had several oft-repeated mantras:

Whining doesn't work.
Parents always win.
It's nice to be smart, but it's smart to be nice.

He really did internalize all of the above. Now that he's a teen, we've moved to a slightly more complicated, but still simple and oft-repeated, set of messages. The big one is: "You have to take sex seriously for three reasons: disease, pregnancy, and hurt feelings."

Now I can say to him "quick, what are the possible outcomes you have to think seriously about before you engage in sex?"

He'll roll his eyes, but he will recite the same three reasons every time.

My work is not done, but I'm getting there.

[Askance]

Also good advice. No matter how much they push back on what you say, it DOES sink in. It's amazing how often it comes back at you 2-3 years later as if it were their own thoughts ...

[guestchaz]

Quoted from Askance, Children should not get a vote in anything they don't contribute to. <big old chop>

Heck yes this. Let them help when they volunteer as well. But at the same time, you want to be sure that you limit the options before hand. My Little Guest (2 1/2) has been "helping" fix meals for about 6 monthes now. (he throws wrappers, apple cores and the like in the trash, it makes him happy) I set out two dinner possiblities and let him choose. Now he's also wanting to start actually washing the dishes with me. So he gets a small treat for that as a reward (even though right now I have to rewash everything he washes). Don't discourage helping hands.


somehow messed up the quote thingy had to make it readable

[Askance]

I set out two dinner possiblities and let him choose.
Also excellent advice. Even if you want to give them a choice, you don't ask open questions like "what do you want to eat/wear", you ask "which of these two possibilities do you want".

[Lynn Bodoni]

If you haven't started reading to them already, start now. Even babies less than a year old will enjoy snuggling and looking at picture books while you point at words and read them. And you might be surprised that the kid actually learns to recognize some words. Read to them EVERY NIGHT, unless you can't talk at all. In your case, tell the older child that s/he can have some quiet play time while you read to the younger one and put the younger to sleep. Then, if the older child has a bedtime immediately afterwards, it's his/her time to be read to. Little kids like to have the same stories read to them frequently, and might request the same book every night for months. This is normal, though it can be aggravating for the parent. I can still recite long passages from Fox in Socks from memory. I kept reading to my daughter until she was in middle school. She's dyslexic, but she loves reading now, and I'm convinced that she started reading for pleasure because she wanted to find out what happened next in the longer books that I read to her.

Let your kids be kids. Give them time to get bored and find their own amusements, but do be aware of what they're doing. Let them get rowdy and messy and dirty, as long as they aren't seriously bothering other people, and as long as they're doing this in appropriate places. A grocery store is not a playground, for instance, and kids should not be running around loose. Let them run around on a playground or in the back yard.

The simplest toys are quite frequently the best. For instance, most kids love large empty boxes as toys. Any toy that runs on imagination is generally better than a toy that runs on batteries.

And siblings are not always loving towards each other. Sometimes the fiercest hate is between sibs, but it will generally burn out in a little while.

Oh, and don't assume that the younger sib is always innocent. While my brother and sister (both younger than me) didn't try to get me into trouble (well, not much anyway), I saw younger sibs antagonizing older sibs until the older just snapped in several families.

[Xerxes]

A friend of ours who's a paediatrician with a fussy-eater 6 year old employs this method to get as many vegetables down her kid's neck as possible: she gives the child the option to leave 1 (only) type of food on the plate, but praises her to the skies if she manages the lot. She says not to employ this method if you don't have to, but it gives little sir or missy the idea that they have some control over what they eat.

(Of course she'll load the plate with one extra vegetable type, being the cunning sort :), but still the point stands).

[Hakuna Matata]

Also excellent advice. Even if you want to give them a choice, you don't ask open questions like "what do you want to eat/wear", you ask "which of these two possibilities do you want".

I agree, with our daughter we gave her two choices as well. And it has paid dividends now she is a teen. She knows how to make decisions. If you make all your decisions for your kid, they never learn to think for themselves. Some of her past choices were poor decisions, but she learned from them. Giving her any and every choice is too much for a kid, but a controled environment where the consequences of a bad choice won't hurt them but will educate them is important. Let them learn how to choose! It is a huge skill they will need as an adult.

[emulsified]

Not sure if this counts as advice, but I can get my two boys, 3 and 7, to do anything they normally resist doing (pick up their room, put on pajamas, etc) by timing them. Even if I'm pseudo counting in my head, they still get moving like their butts are on fire.

Don't know how long this will work as a strategy, but it works now!

[The Hamster King]

Refer to it "taking turns", not "sharing". Taking turns is easier to understand.

No name-calling, ever. Little barbs have a way of ballooning into bigger resentments.

Offer them choices as often as possible. But you control what the options are. "Do you want to wear your red shirt, or your green one?" Not "What shirt do you want to wear?"

Always give them warning that a transition is coming: "We're going to be leaving in 5 minutes. Finish what you're doing."

[MsWhatsit]

Re siblings:

Do not compare them to each other, ever, not even if you think it is in a favorable way. I.e., "You are doing so much better in school now, just like your sister!" No. Deal with your kids as individuals. You will someday be tempted to say, "Why can't you keep your room clean like your brother does?" or "Come on, your sister only took a minute to find her shoes, so why is it taking you so long?" Avoid these temptations. You can't ever avoid all sibling rivalry IMO, but if you can stop the sibling comparisons I think it helps a lot.

[aruvqan]

Anyway, advice for the bigger one. I have always talked to him like he's a person. No tone changes (high-pitched baby talk drives me crazy), no real vocabulary changes, nothing that sets him apart from anybody else I talk to.

Actively listen to your kids. My son like Bakugans and Star Wars and monster trucks and 100 other things I don't actually give a shit about but they're important to him so when he's blahblahing about this and that, I'm actually there listening to him. I don't care, I really don't, but he doesn't know that.

Stop doing things for them as soon as they can do it themselves. Dressing, shoe tying, teeth brushing, picking things up, etc. They'll take longer (sometimes a LOT longer) to do these things and they won't do them as well (tell a five year old to clean his room; nothing is EVER where it's "supposed" to be), but how else are they going to learn?


Notice the good stuff. If they do some chore without being asked (or without whining when you ask) tell them you appreciate it. Tell them you like that outfit they picked out or the way they've combed their hair.

Give them a set amount of pocket money each week. And that's their treat money, if they blow it on candy and soda it's their choice. You don't buy candy and soda - ever. If they save for something that's beyond their reach, wait till they've made a decent stab at it (never less than half) and help out a little. Consider it interest.

When she was about six/seven, the kid started to complain about the lunches I made, she's been making her own ever since. She does not complain about dinners.:D

Children should not get a vote in anything they don't contribute to.
You don't ask kids what they want, you tell them what they're getting. A family is not a democracy, it's a benevolent oligarchy. To act otherwise is to set them false expectations for them on the way the world works.


This is all excellent advice! You cannot buy their friendship with treats and favours. They will NOT stop loving you just because you don't give them what they state that they want; quite the opposite. Kids want rules and boundaries (no matter how much they complain when you enforce them), your main role is to provide them.

But any positive action or expressed thought must be picked up on and reinforced immediately and without exception.

And, always remember that kids are "stupid". That is, they are not adults and can't divine your intent behind your criticism, sarcasm, or meaningful silence. Just tell them straight up what you mean, they do not take hints and will misunderstand anything subtle. Compared to you have have a tiny tiny vocabulary and you need to state things in simple terms, don't rely on implication, innuendo, aphorisms, what your parents told you - just say what you mean.

Quoted from Askance, Children should not get a vote in anything they don't contribute to. <big old chop>

Heck yes this. Let them help when they volunteer as well. But at the same time, you want to be sure that you limit the options before hand. Don't discourage helping hands.


If you haven't started reading to them already, start now. Read to them EVERY NIGHT, unless you can't talk at all. In your case, tell the older child that s/he can have some quiet play time while you read to the younger one and put the younger to sleep. Then, if the older child has a bedtime immediately afterwards, it's his/her time to be read to.

Let your kids be kids. Give them time to get bored and find their own amusements, but do be aware of what they're doing. Let them get rowdy and messy and dirty, as long as they aren't seriously bothering other people, and as long as they're doing this in appropriate places. A grocery store is not a playground, for instance, and kids should not be running around loose. Let them run around on a playground or in the back yard.

The simplest toys are quite frequently the best. For instance, most kids love large empty boxes as toys. Any toy that runs on imagination is generally better than a toy that runs on batteries.

Oh, and don't assume that the younger sib is always innocent. While my brother and sister (both younger than me) didn't try to get me into trouble (well, not much anyway), I saw younger sibs antagonizing older sibs until the older just snapped in several families.

Giving her any and every choice is too much for a kid, but a controled environment where the consequences of a bad choice won't hurt them but will educate them is important. Let them learn how to choose! It is a huge skill they will need as an adult.

Refer to it "taking turns", not "sharing". Taking turns is easier to understand.

No name-calling, ever. Little barbs have a way of ballooning into bigger resentments.

Always give them warning that a transition is coming: "We're going to be leaving in 5 minutes. Finish what you're doing."

All of the above. My mom, my nanny and my dad all read to my brother and I up until I was about 3 and a smidge and decided I was a big girl and I wanted to read it for myself, and I have been addicted to the written word ever since.

We had definite boundries [try not having boundries with a german nanny :D] and were always talked to rationally [I also hate the baby googoo voice] and given limited ability to make choices [mainly in clothing, but we also were allowed to make a birthday present list and a christmas present list - 5 items for birthday and 10 for christmas, with the understanding that we would get 1 birthday and 2 christmas goodies off the list. The rest of the stuff was ad lib, and mostly clothing and books. Great way to limit the commercial greed from TV programming]

We had to try everything set in front of us for dinner at least once. After that we could opt to have more of everything else on the plate instead of some veggie we didn't like. In general we tended to eat everything. The only times we had problems was once when it was Marie's evening off, and Mom was in hospital. Dad made dinner for us, including stewed tomatoes. I can't remember if he salted them instead of adding a pinch of sugar, or sugared them instead of salting them but both my brother and I refused to eat them as we thought they were absolutely horrid, and once my mom made a recipe out of a magazine, some sort of tropical ham loaf, a meat loaf made with ground picnic ham in place of the ground beef .. it was spectacularly nasty.

We had a playroom [victorian mansions are great for lots of spare rooms, this was the original formal front parlor that wasn't used for anything special.] Each of us had a footlocker sized toy chest, and a small set of book shelves. There was a third set of shelves for specifically shared stuff [puzzles, board games and one of the old school record players, and records.] We never had the oh my freaking god huge amount of toys that kids today seem to have. At best, we each had maybe 15-20 toys at any given time. I have vague memories of just after Christmas Marie or my mom removing older less used toys[and perhaps damaged ones] to 'make room for the new ones'. We also were firmly trained to take something out, play with it and put it back immediately. Our toys also didn't leave the play room.

We were encouraged to play together outside with the dogs or other kids. We had a huge fenced in yard, about 3/4 of an acre with one of the ubiquitous swing sets, we had a fairly large sand box and were allowed to bring out various car toys hot wheels and such to make little roads and stuff in the sand box. From Memorial Day to Labor Day we moved to our summer cottage, about 5 miles away from the winter house, and for 2 weeks in July we would go to the family summer house in Canada [my dad had 2 brothers, so each family would take a couple of weeks up there sort of like time sharing.] My brother and I shared a small sailboat and a small skiff, and did typical summer stuff like sail, use the skiff to go fishing, swim. We weren't particularly restricted, other than we had to be home by dark, and the YMCA camp just down the shore was sort of our alarm clock, they played mess call at about 6 pm, and typically if we were within hearing range it gave us plenty of time to get home in time for dinner, which was late at about 8 or so.

We were given a small allowance to blow on whatever we wanted. My brother was really fond of mallowmars, and the toys you could get from saving up wrappers or whatever, and gum and the baseball cards. That was generally what he bought. I tended to like just plain hershey milk chocolate candy bars, and when they came out the nestles chunkys. Any money we got for birthday or christmas was also ours to blow or save. I know that both of us tended to save that money for larger things, he bought a bicycle and I tended to get books.

We were not allowed to name call, or fight. We had to share/take turns with mutual toys, and if we argued about sharing it, it got taken away for a short time. We had to keep our rooms picked up, and had to do our homework before we could play. We helped get our clothes out the night before [school uniforms are great for this, no quibbling about being fashionable:D] and in general got ourselves ready - I don't really remember anybody dressing or bathing me after I started school. I also started learning to cook because I used to hang out in the kitchen and was allowed to help from as far back as I can remember.

Other than one month or so back in 65, we had a pretty idyllic childhood even though from 65 to 69 my Dad was stationed in Vietnam and was gone other than a month in the summer every year when he was home on leave. The joys of seriously small town America:D

[kushiel]

Quoted from Askance, Children should not get a vote in anything they don't contribute to. <big old chop>

Heck yes this. Let them help when they volunteer as well. But at the same time, you want to be sure that you limit the options before hand. My Little Guest (2 1/2) has been "helping" fix meals for about 6 monthes now. (he throws wrappers, apple cores and the like in the trash, it makes him happy) I set out two dinner possiblities and let him choose. Now he's also wanting to start actually washing the dishes with me. So he gets a small treat for that as a reward (even though right now I have to rewash everything he washes). Don't discourage helping hands.


somehow messed up the quote thingy had to make it readable

Yes! My mom never let me help her, or when I took the initiative, she would just redo what I did. I remember trying to vacuum once, and she came up to me, took the vacuum, told me I was doing it wrong and went over my work again herself.

Now, as an adult, I can work a vacuum or whatever, but I don't know the tips and tricks you were supposed to learn from doing thing since you were 10. Mom says she expected me to learn by osmosis, like I was to know how to cook a dish just by watching her cook.

So if you do take the route of letting them help but they're not to your standards, don't redo their work while they're still there to see it. It gives a sense of futility and they'll just give up trying to help if their help is worthless.

[Manda JO]

For teens that are not performing well in school: either micro-manage all the time, or stay hands off and let them live with natural consequences. As a teacher, I see too many parents who swoop in right after report cards and try to take over their kids' lives for about two weeks until they get bored and then go back to just assuming everything is going fine. This is the worst possible approach: the teen who is used to independence resents the interference, the parent feels put upon, and nothing is actually accomplished because the grades stay terrible--but now it's the parent's fault in a way, because they accepted responsibility.

Micromanagement really is the best technique for some kids (usually ones that want to be successful but are just total messes, organizationally) but it has to be maintained for a long, long time and only very gradually loosened up. Hands-off is great for other kids, but you've got to be prepared to let them live with the real consequences--even if that means no family vacation because of summer school, or even graduating late.

[Nava]

Anyway, advice for the bigger one. I have always talked to him like he's a person. No tone changes (high-pitched baby talk drives me crazy), no real vocabulary changes, nothing that sets him apart from anybody else I talk to. I think this is beneficial first because he learns words and how not to talk like a moron and second because... I don't know. I think it's a respect thing. Yeah, I'm not treating him "special", but I'm also not treating him stupid and he's been able to have actual conversations with adults since he was, like, three.

This reminded me of one of the reasons I liked Dad's Mom, Abuelita, so much; it's a reason I had to remind my own mother of once The Nephew got old enough for simple board games.

When playing board or card games with kids, most adults fall into one of three groups: either they baby you along (and may even let you win, which may lead the kid to take his right to win for granted or, conversely, to get mighty pissed that his victories aren't real), or they yell at you any time you make a mistake (because you must be perfect, don't you know), or they deride/laugh at you when you make mistakes (because making fun of someone their own size could get them punched in the face).

Abuelita didn't do any of that. When she taught you a game, she started by teaching you the most basic rules, and explained that she wasn't telling you everything and would explain other situations either when they cropped up or before starting the second game. She would make sure you understood this. The first game would be played using only those rules which had been explained, no springing surprises on you. If she saw that you were making a mistake, she would say "wait, are you sure that's what you want to do?" At first, the mistake would likely be caused by not having noticed something due to inexperience - eventually, it became a matter of having seen several options and making a choice which was different from the one she would have taken. Once you reached this second point, she'd stop asking except in extreme cases which made her think you really were missing something (in which case we all ask, out of courtesy).

Off the board, she was your grandmother and you her grandkid; you were her dependent and her subordinate; she had a duty to guide you and you a duty to obey her. On the board, you were complete equals - and the duels were to the death, but fought with absolute courtesy.

[Elret]

This is great! I admit that my kids do have way too many toys, and I go back and forth on whether I think it's a problem or not. They have the whole basement, which we don't need for anything else, and most of the space is taken up with books, craft supplies, and pretend stuff like a toy kitchen and dress up clothes. I like having those things available, but could do without the amount of little dolls and trucks and stuff that seems to accumulate. I try to purge regularly but mostly I ditch the really junky stuff or anything with batteries and let them keep the rest. My daughter started receiving a $2 allowance when she turned 5, and she spends it mainly on little toys at yard sales and flea markets (though she did recently save for 3 weeks to buy her grandmother a birthday gift, which I thought was very cool.)

Reading, heck yes! Helping with chores, absolutely! Trying new food, definitely! Hey, I am feeling semi on top of this parent business! Keep it coming!

[Elret]

Oh, and another confession - I once cheated at Candyland. Damn game is 100% luck, and my daughter was winning, every. Single. Time. I finally stacked the deck so she'd lose one.

[MsWhatsit]

Oh, and another confession - I once cheated at Candyland. Damn game is 100% luck, and my daughter was winning, every. Single. Time. I finally stacked the deck so she'd lose one.

Any parent who has ever played Candyland without stacking the deck at some point is simply not human, in my opinion.

[kushiel]

Oh, and another confession - I once cheated at Candyland. Damn game is 100% luck, and my daughter was winning, every. Single. Time. I finally stacked the deck so she'd lose one.

I used to fuckin' LOVE playing War (cards) (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/War_(card_game)) as a kid. The game can go for hours though, so after an acceptable amount of time, Mom would start stacking the deck so one of us would win. I never noticed, ha ha ha. She told me about it when I was older, no harm done.

[papergirl]

My four kids range in age from a 10 year old daughter to a 24 year old...man. (Good Lord.) Basically, my best advice would be: Don't be afraid to parent. I see so many people who try to parent by being nice, by being a friend, or by manipulating kids emotionally. If you need to do those things, you're not parenting effectively. I'm kind to my kids--I can probably count on one hand the times I've had to yell--but they also know that I'm in charge, and what I say goes. I've been a single parent off and on since my second son was born, and this was probably the one philosophy that made it possible.
Also, know your kids--really, really know them. For instance, my son's school went to an online-only report cards system. (He was in 6th grade.) I saw the first report card, which was like pulling teeth when I requested a hard copy of it. After that, I told him, y'know, I trust you and care about your grades. It's up to you to keep on top of your work, let me know if you need help, and stay informed about how your classes are going. I'm going to trust you to do your best. At the end of the year, he won an award for being on honor roll every grading period--all without Mom even seeing a report card. (I did check in with him periodically, of course.) My daughter, on the other hand, is still in "I must see your agenda/homework EVERY NIGHT or there will be consequences." I have to check her backpack, talk to teachers, etc--she requires much more of a hands-on approach to schoolwork.
When my 2nd kid was 15, I also had two homeless teens living with us, necessitating a whole new set of rules. Everyone worked and paid for his/her car, insurance, and gas. Summers or after graduation, everyone worked full time or volunteered 30 hours/wk and paid a small amount (I think 20 bucks) per week toward household expenses. (If they volunteered, they were excused from the 20/wk.) Plus everyone had to help with household chores. Now, if I were in a better position financially perhaps I'd adjust the rules a bit--require them to put a portion of their money in savings or something--but we were barely making with 7 people in the household, so I had to keep that in mind.
And once they leave home (they do this a lot faster if you make them pay rent, btw), let them go. If they are making their way financially, decision-making is out of your hands. Keep offering your opinion, but don't lose sleep over what they're doing to screw up their lives--remember we did those things too and came out fairly well. :)
My two older boys are good, decent guys. Although neither of them did everything I would've hoped (college would have been nice), they're independent, responsible, and mature. My oldest son is raising two small sons of his own as a single parent and seems to be doing an admirable job so far.
Good luck and enjoy. It goes really, really fast.

[guestchaz]

Just got slapped in the face with this one from my two older (teens) boys. While at home, it will be bare knuckles knock down kick em in the ribs duels to the death types of attitudes towards each other, until about a year or maybe two after one moves out (depending on the level of antaganistic feelings). Then they each start realizing the other wasn't really that bad after all. You may or may not know about these attitudes fwiw

[Rachellelogram]

I don't have kids, but when I was babysitting my 7 year old cousin, I let her pick out her own outfit for a family party. It was a totally mismatched outfit: army-print skirt, pink sequined shirt, tennis shoes, and knee socks. I thought it was cute, but more importantly it was what she wanted to wear. I think 7 is old enough to make that decision.

When we got to the party, I got some strange looks for "dressing her like that." But I told people hey, she dressed herself. Who the hell cares? So I guess my advice is let your kid pick out their own outfits, but at the same time, don't buy them something you don't want them to pick out. :)

[papergirl]

I was thinking about things my parents did right as well. One instance I am forever grateful for is that my mom never made a big deal of food. She made it, put it out, we ate what we wanted. There was never a rule about cleaning your plate, eating stuff you hated, etc. Never, ever a big deal. Same with weight--no one ever told me I'd be fat if I ate that, etc. In spite of the fact that I never ate anything green when I was young, I love vegetable of any sort now. I think some parents turn dinner into a battleground, and kids grow up with food issues and anxiety about food itself and the social aspects of eating together. Having lived with an adult or two with issues like this, it is not pretty. (And as an adult without those issues, I seem to attract those adults!)
I do always have the kids try a bit of whatever I make, but I wouldn't ever force them to eat anything. Life is too short to have eating be a miserable experience.

[perfectparanoia]

Alright, I seem to have all the basics down but I have a nagging (literally) question.

My kids (6 & 7) have some terrible habits. These are unconscious things that they don't mean to do. I don't seem to be able to break them of them. They are fairly innocuous. Examples:

Leaving the cap off the toothpaste
Not cleaning up after themselves without being asked
Touching the walls
'Knee-jerk' whining (not to be mistaken with thought out whining which seems to have been iradicated)
Putting their hands in their mouths
Chewing with their mouths open

None of them are a big deal but I am so very tired of reminding and nagging them. Does it get better? Are there strategies? We compliment them when they remember on their own.

[Lynn Bodoni]

Revoke privileges when they do things like knee jerk whining. If they have to go without TV or games because they've whined, they'll learn.

As for touching the walls, guess who gets to clean them? Hand the kids some general spray cleaner and rags.

And as for general advice, don't EVER offer kids a choice that you're not willing to follow through with. I've watched some parents do things like ask their kids if they're ready to go now, when it's clearly time to go. Don't ASK the kids if they're ready to go. TELL them it's time to go. And then don't be afraid to grab the kids up and march out of the store. Sometimes you can offer choices, but sometimes you need to be the parent and decide what's going to happen. Kids don't have much judgment, and they have to learn it by making small choices at first, like whether they'll refuse one vegetable...but as someone pointed out, they get to refuse ONE, they have to eat the rest.

[Askance]

Another one that occurred to me overnight: kids don't get computers in their bedrooms. Ever. They must be in shared areas of the house only.
Any smart phone, tablet, or other internet-capable device is off (and checked to be off) or outside their bedroom when it's sleep-time.

[SnakesCatLady]

This is probably going to sound weird, but make sure your kid's dentist is kid-friendly and as pain free as possible. My first dentist was a horrible man, and I have bad teeth because I am literally terrified of the dentist. I now have a very good, kind dentist who puts me in twilight sleep to work on me. He says it's in self defense, so I don't rip the arms off of his exam chair. He also told my husband he doesn't want me to have a heart attack or stroke in his chair - my blood pressure skyrockets when I pull in the parking lot.

[Lynn Bodoni]

Ohhhh, my sibs and I had a horrid dentist too. Either he didn't use enough numbing agent, or he wasn't willing to wait long enough, but all three of us had very bad experiences. I now go to a dentist who is very, very gentle, and he does things like hug me when he sees me in the hallway, or he'll rub my shoulder when I'm in the chair. Now this wouldn't work on every patient, but it works on me. And of course I hug him back.

[Acid Lamp]

Okay simple rules that I know work well:

1. Make sure that no means no. If you do this early and are unbending, the whining stage does not last terribly long.

1A: This also means that you occasionally go along with their ideas and plans when the are feasible, or well thought out. Children who can justify their position properly should be rewarded for their efforts.

2. Talk to them like normal humans. I always treat younger sculpture students just like small adults with limited vocabularies. This works wonders. Respect is a two way street. on that note..

3. Make sure you are worthy of respect, and show some in return. Tough but fair. Kids are way more perceptive than adults give them credit for. Know their limitations, but try your best to not be a hypocrite in front of them. They don't have the tools to deal with it properly. Many adults don't.

4. For older children and teens, you need to know how to pick your battles. Know what issues are critical to you, or you and your other half, and enforce those issues. Butt out on the other stuff. By giving them control over aspects of their lives you are demonstrating trust, respect for them as a person, and showing that you care about certain aspects rather then just trying to run their lives for them.

5. Children should receive a small amount of pocket money weekly which is theirs to do with as they see fit. They do not get more regardless of the situation. If they want more they can earn it through household work, or get a "loan" and work it off. Some kids are savers, others are spenders, and it often has very little to do with how they turn out as adults. Some just like to hoard their money without a goal in mind (my sister when she was young), others like to nickel and dime it to death on little items. (myself in elementary school). The point is that by having autonomy over their money they will learn to prioritize.

6. If you CAN do something then you SHOULD do something. This is in regards to things like chores, basic cooking, etc. As soon as they are capable they should be doing it for themselves.

[Silver Fire]

Chewing with their mouths open
This one in particular grosses me out so when my 8 year old was a 6 year old, he ate dinner all by himself sometimes. I would remind him the first time it happened not to chew with his mouth open but it would slip his mind right around, oh, the third bite or so. Remind him again. Slip again.

I don't like repeating myself at all but I definitely should never, ever have to say the same thing more than two times. That's a rule.

So at that point it was "I'm sorry, but I really just can't eat with you when you're eating like that. I'll be in the living room. Clear your plate when you're done."

That didn't happen more than half a dozen times or so before he started eating like a normal person and, sitting here thinking about it, I don't even remember the last time he chewed something with his mouth open.

[perfectparanoia]

This one in particular grosses me out so when my 8 year old was a 6 year old, he ate dinner all by himself sometimes. I would remind him the first time it happened not to chew with his mouth open but it would slip his mind right around, oh, the third bite or so. Remind him again. Slip again.

I don't like repeating myself at all but I definitely should never, ever have to say the same thing more than two times. That's a rule.

So at that point it was "I'm sorry, but I really just can't eat with you when you're eating like that. I'll be in the living room. Clear your plate when you're done."

That didn't happen more than half a dozen times or so before he started eating like a normal person and, sitting here thinking about it, I don't even remember the last time he chewed something with his mouth open.

It squicks me out, too. Smack SMACK SMACK! Blech!

Right now, he gets five chances (since in the course of a meal he can forget himself sometimes). Once he's done those, he's done dinner.

Which does seem to work short term (once he gets a warning or two, he's back to proper chewing) but not the next meal or the meal after that...

We keep making worse consequences for the actions but that's not good either.

(BTW, the chewing thing is now entering it's 4th month and we still are asking him to leave once or twice a week.)

[Voyager]

As my mother used to say: Patience and fortitude.
I've got two kids, both out of college, both doing great. The main piece of advice I have is to understand who your kids are and respond to them individually. There reason there aren't teenager books the way there are baby books is that most newborns are the same, but almost no teenagers are the same.

Being consistent is important. Setting important limits is important. And not unimportant limits. Reading is important, but it also depends on the kid. I read to both kids when they were young - the older one took off by 3rd grade, the younger one didn't like to read nearly as much, so I read to her every night right through high school. Not that she didn't read, she just didn't for pleasure as much as the older one.

Stuff that you think should be important to them should be important to you. Know what homework they have, and make sure they know it is a priority. Be there to help. Most teachers are great, but some teachers aren't so great. Between us my wife and I could cover all their subjects except for language. Read and critique their writing. Don't change it, but point out what is wrong, and before long they will get it right the first time. A lot of my kids' success is based on their writing skills.

Follow them where they want to go, assuming it is legal of course. Younger daughter wanted to ride, which became feasible when we moved out here. It took a lot of hours, and some money, but she got on the riding team in college, took it over, and learned a lot of excellent leadership skills doing so - and also built up her resume. In third grade older daughter wanted to audition for a manger, who sent something around to her kids theater class. I figured what's the harm, it would be a nice trip into New York and then it would be over - and she got signed. But don't push. What you want them to do might not be what they want to do.

But being flexible is the most important thing in the sense of tailor parenting to the kid, don't try to tailor the kid to your theory of parenting.

[elfkin477]

If you haven't started reading to them already, start now. Even babies less than a year old will enjoy snuggling and looking at picture books while you point at words and read them. I don't have kids, but I do know a lot about child literacy, so I like your suggestion a lot. Many people think that reading to babies is pointless because they can't understand what you're saying, or what you're looking at, but it isn't true. Psychologists have done studies to determine at what age a child can look at drawings/cartoons (you know, typical picture book illustrations) and associate them with the actual objects/animals they depict. That age? 14 months. They can understand the content of photos even younger. So you might feel foolish reading to your sixteen-month-old about the doggy in the window, but he's already knows that the cartoon doggy on the page is just like the dog curled up next to your chair.

[overlyverbose]

My kids are 5 and almost 2. Here’s what we’ve done:

1. Make sure the kids have toys of their own as well as shared toys. They don’t need many (my son’s only special toys are his trains; my daughter is still figuring that out), but especially for the older one, they’re less likely to feel like the littlest is completely usurping everything – your attention, his space and his toys. When my daughter started to walk, we helped my son identify those toys that were really special to him and made sure he had shelving or whatever he needed to keep her out of them.

2. As a related item, make sure both kids know they can play in common areas. They should have special toys, but they shouldn’t have to feel as if they can’t play with them if they’re in the same room. I taught my son early on how to give his sister a different toy if she was going after his. I also intervene if my son is trying to take her toys.

3. Start teaching them early on how to handle conflict. We do intervene if they’re having some sort of disagreement (usually about the stuff – it’s all about the stuff early on), but we also try to give them an opportunity to resolve it on their own. Unfortunately, my son is usually the one doing the resolving given that he has more reasoning skills than she does, so we keep an eye out, but we try hard not to step in if we don’t have to.

4. Everyone has to help in the house, even the youngest. We don’t exactly have her scrubbing pots, but she helps carry a few shirts to her room when it’s time to put away the clean laundry, “washes” the windows with water and helps empty the dishwasher. My son takes out the trash with his dad, helps clear the table after a meal and helps vacuum and knows how to do laundry with supervision. We don’t have them do more than one or two things in a day, but they are expected to help.

[MsWhatsit]

Leaving the cap off the toothpaste
Not cleaning up after themselves without being asked
Touching the walls
'Knee-jerk' whining (not to be mistaken with thought out whining which seems to have been iradicated)
Putting their hands in their mouths
Chewing with their mouths open

None of them are a big deal but I am so very tired of reminding and nagging them. Does it get better? Are there strategies? We compliment them when they remember on their own.

I'm not suggesting that these are the ultimate right answer, because everyone has a different approach, but speaking personally here's how I'd handle these:

Putting hands in mouths/Chewing with mouths open: Tell them to stop every time it happens. If it's happening repeatedly during a meal, mealtime is over for them.

Touching the walls: OK, I actually don't care about this at all, but assuming I did, I'd keep one of those Mr. Clean Magic Eraser sponges around, and every time I saw a kid touching a wall, I'd hand them the sponge and tell them to wipe the grease prints off.

Whining: "I'm sorry, I can't understand you when you speak in that tone of voice. Speak to me normally and I'd be happy to listen."

Leaving the cap off the toothpaste: Leave a cup in the bathroom. Throw a quarter into it every time you come in and see the toothpaste with the cap put on. When enough money has accumulated, use it to buy everyone an ice cream or something.

Not cleaning up: I don't think you're ever going to cure this completely. However, I've noticed that when my kids are at preschool, they automatically clean up their stuff without having to be asked, and I'm thinking, what's the difference between there and home? Well, at school they are required to clean their things up every time they are finished, no exceptions, and no "letting it slide because I'm in the middle of doing something." So consistency is the key here. If you see a kid walking away from a mess, stop them immediately and have them clean it up, even if it means tantrums, arguing, whatever. No choice. They will clean it up. And if they do clean up on their own, praise them as you mentioned. Kids eat praise up, and this is a behavior you want to see from them, so the praise is genuine anyway.

And resign yourself to the fact that sometimes you are just going to have to give reminders and ask them to do things even though they should really have done it on their own without being asked.

This is just from my personal experience, too. I'm sure others would handle these situations differently.

[Lynn Bodoni]

I don't have kids, but I do know a lot about child literacy, so I like your suggestion a lot. Many people think that reading to babies is pointless because they can't understand what you're saying, or what you're looking at, but it isn't true. Psychologists have done studies to determine at what age a child can look at drawings/cartoons (you know, typical picture book illustrations) and associate them with the actual objects/animals they depict. That age? 14 months. They can understand the content of photos even younger. So you might feel foolish reading to your sixteen-month-old about the doggy in the window, but he's already knows that the cartoon doggy on the page is just like the dog curled up next to your chair. At very young ages, kids enjoy the snuggling and the time spent with a parent or other caretaker. I have a picture of my father and my daughter when she was just over a year old, sitting on the couch together, with a Dr. Seuss book open before them. She is pointing a finger at something in the book.

Around that age, she had a sturdy cardboard book of simple nursery rhymes, with fanciful illustrations, which was one . As soon as she could talk, I could open the book to any page, and she could recite the rhyme.

I think that I started reading to her when she was three months old. Yeah, she watched Sesame Street and Electric Company, and I was usually watching them with her, and then we'd talk about the show, and I'd try to find stuff that related to the show, such as numbers or letters. But she got read to. And she associated reading with being the center of my attention (my husband rarely read to her). Even if the kid can't understand what you're saying yet, s/he DOES understand that getting read to is fun. And it's a good way to unwind little kids before bedtime, which can sometimes be a problem.

[MsWhatsit]

When my kids were infants, we read to them from David Sedaris books and the like - whatever we happened to be reading ourselves. They respond to the cadence and rhythm of your voice, and the content doesn't matter as much. Then when they become old enough to look at the pages as you turn them, we switched over to toddler-appropriate books.

Reading together is a nice, calming, bonding activity. (Well, generally. I've certainly had days where the squirming child slithered off my lap and darted away after the first two pages of a Dr. Seuss book.) Some days it has been the only real quiet down time I've had with my kids.

[phall0106]

Learn how to appreciate your kid's sense of humor. (Don't assume it will be the same as yours.) Laugh at their jokes, their puns, their attempts at being funny. When they are eventually gone (from the home), you'll remember with fondness their attempts to make you laugh.

Offer to help with homework, quiz them for tests, buy school supplies, and even pay for a tutor if they need it, but let their grades be their reponsibility. Nagging about homework, studying and report cards only frustrates you and alienates your kid.

Choose your battles and don't sweat the small stuff. Most of the stuff that bothers you, they'll eventually grow out of.

Set reasonable limits, be fair and be consistent. Listen to what your kid has to say, provide feedback and, if reasonable, come to something both of you can live with. Life is about negotiations--teach your kids how to negotiate.

Know when to shut up. They'll get enough lectures in college. Be a good listener and they'll talk.

Don't allow the use of headphones in the car. That's when a lot of great, mind-blowing conversations will occur, but not if your kid is plugged in.

When it comes to chores, write a list then walk away. Let them complete chores as their own responsiblity. (Not sure if it's boys only, but Hallboy will do nearly anything if I put it on a list. If I tell him, it's like talking to thin air.)

---phall0106, mom of two daughters (27 and 25) and one son (17)

[phall0106]

A lot of this seems very trivial--I'm all about choosing your battles.

That being said, here are some suggestions which might help aleviate some of the behavior mentioned below:

Leaving the cap off the toothpaste: Buy toothpaste without caps.

Not cleaning up after themselves without being asked: Do they have a chore list? Even pre-schoolers can have a chore list. Otherwise, remove the stuff yourself, but put it away so it can't be used. When they search for it later, tell them it's gone because it wasn't put away, and it's being held for (fill in the blank...two days, one week, etc.) However, it should be held that long--no giving in!

Touching the walls: Paint with scrubbable wall paint, and add "clean the walls" to their chore list. But know, kids will touch EVERYTHING. Even walls.

'Knee-jerk' whining (not to be mistaken with thought out whining which seems to have been iradicated): Ignore it. Walk away and don't respond. On the otherhand, notice when the "knee-jerk" whining occurs. I'll bet you can spot the behavior and situations which trigger it, and it's not nearly as knee-jerk as you think at first. Distract before it comes to the whining stage.

Putting their hands in their mouths: Choose your battles. Is this really one of their worst actions? Some kids are more "oral" than others--they bit their nails, they eat, they chew on things, they talk. This is their release. Learn to live with it (unless it's a serious problem, like they're eating their hair, etc.)

Chewing with their mouths open: When the Hallkids were little, I had a signal to them that they needed to chew with their mouths closed. (Often kids simply don't think about it, and it takes awhile for it to become second nature, especially if they spend time at child care or school, eating with other kids who have horrible table manners.) During the meal, when their mouths were open (CHOMP, CHOMP, SMACK, SMACK), I would gently say their name (to get their attention), then raise my finger to my closed mouth (similiar to what one would do to "sshhh"). This was a simple reminder for them to chew with their mouths closed, and is particularly helpful when eating in public. (Don't embarass them.)

[CrazyCatLady]

I know some people hate the Whys of parenting, but you kind of have to answer them (when they're a little older and can be reasoned with) and "Because I said so" is almost always not good enough. I've had to say "Because I said so" because there really was no reason, but if you can rationalize things for them I think it makes everything go smoothly. "No, you can't go to your friend's house." "Why?" "Because I said so." "YOU NEVER LET ME DO ANYTHING EVER AND BLAHBLAHBLAH." vs "Because we are going to X instead/because I'm making dinner/because you've been outside all day and I think it's time to come in now, etc." "Oh. Okay."

Well, and the more arbitrary something seems, the harder it is to remember in a given situation and the harder it is to generalize it to other situations. This isn't just true for kids, either. The fastest way to get a new hire doing a procedure correctly and consistently is to make sure they know why we do it like that. Even when the reason is "Doc has some kind of weird bug up his butt about it."



None of them are a big deal

And that may be why you have to spend so much time nagging and reminding, especially if you've never given them a concrete reason for these things. Without a concrete reason, things that aren't a big deal seem really, really arbitrary to kids. As I said before, arbitrary= hard to remember and generalize. Knowing the reasoning behind your rules might help increase compliance.

And seeing first-hand might be a help too. Let them be the ones to wash the walls. Get them their own tube of toothpaste to leave the lid off and have to deal with the resultant crusties. Chew with your mouth open and make them watch. (Though they're at the age where they might find that last one funny/cool. Maybe scratch that one.)

[Q.N. Jones]

I'm not a mom, but I mentor teenagers in a youth organization, and I train new college graduates in my position at work.

Parents, you have to teach your kids to be self-reliant. You have to let them feel the consequences of their actions and choices. I have watched too many good, smart kids totally flunk at their first attempt at adult life and responsibility (sometimes the first several attempts) because they went immediately from "helicopter/snowplow mommy doing everything for me" to "adult in the real world." They have no idea how to take responsibility for a problem, make a plan of action, and follow it through.

In my time in these positions, I have met only one young person who could handle himself and his adult responsibilities with any degree of competence the first time out of the gate. Not surprisingly, he is the only one who has never said any of the following to me: "Mom and Dad got me this job/bought me this car/grade-grubbed for me so I could graduate despite flunking/gives me money when I ask for it/gave me my project idea/did all the fundraising for me/wakes me up so I get to school on time."

It's cruel to raise a kid to age 18 and then release him or her into the wild without any ability to be self-reliant. Don't do it. You're setting them up to fail when you clear all obstacles from their paths! Let them start learning to stand on their own gradually over a lifetime, with increasing independence, while they are still at home where their parents can provide a soft landing when they stumble. By the time they get to me, their first experience at failure is either "getting fired from first adult job" or "failing to complete major 2 year volunteer project that leads to scholarship money you were counting on to afford college." That's not the time to start learning this stuff. The stakes are too high.

[Proudest Monkey]

Re: teenagers. My position was "I will trust you until you give me a reason not to. Your leash extends pretty goddamn far, but I will shorten it if I get even a whiff of unsafe behavior."

We also had a code word for her to use if she needed to extricate herself from a situation and needed me to be the "bad parent" in order to save face. If she ever called me by a certain name, my response would be, "No. Come home. You can't go there or sleep over at that friend's house or whatever. The answer is no."

[Becky2844]

I learned this, too late. Don't "give" your kids anything (or at least, too much.) Let them earn privileges & material things through responsible behavior. (Such as telling the truth, picking up their rooms etc., studying at school.) That way when they're adolescents & teens, you're not having to "take away" what they feel entitled to....they'll know whether they deserve it or not.
Don't give a kid an allowance because that's not how it works in the real world. Help them think of ways they can earn money.
Remember, you're not raising kids....you're raising soon-to-be adults, & whatever you don't teach them could hold them back in life. But make it fun! Everybody learns better in a relaxed atmosphere. And so often we "learn" without even realizing it. (painless pundits) lol
And when they start having "their own life?" Don't ask a lot of questions because they'll tell you more if you don't....they don't feel grilled. And while they're talking, resist the urge to scream OMG or "I hope YOU"D never do that," etc. Be as non-judgemental as you can be while steering them into telling you what they would have done in that situation. Such as: "Well, I can see a couple different views about that (thus & so)....what do YOU think?" It's a good way to find out where their heads are at, & if it ain't where you want it to be you've got a chance to gently guide them in the right direction.
Above all, both you & the kids enjoy their childhoods. It's over sooner than you think. Be kind, but firm. Always be loving, but there's plenty of time to be "friends" when they become adult children...which they will want to do if you've leaned more on the Plus side than the Negative.

[Palo Verde]

Parents drive their kids places WAY too much. Here's the way I do it with my 4 kids (ages 14 to 7). If you can get there by walking, then walk. If you can't get there by walking, ride your bike. If you can't walk or ride your bike, take a bus. If none of these will work, then and only then, talk to mom about getting a ride.

[guestchaz]

Quoted from Q.N. Jones<snip>

Parents, you have to teach your kids to be self-reliant. You have to let them feel the consequences of their actions and choices.

<snip>
Heh heh, man I screwed this one up in my own life. My folks weren't exactly helicopter parents, (well ok, I was a sneaky shit but...) being the independant inquisitive do it my selfer that I was ever since I wasn't allowed to by my own hamburger with MY BIRTHDAY MONEY DAMMIT at age 5 or 6. I politely declined when my dad offered a full ride to what ever level of college degree I cared to attempt when I graduated high school...

[Nava]

Don't give a kid an allowance because that's not how it works in the real world. Help them think of ways they can earn money.

But it is, it's only that the duties you get as an employed grown-up are different from those you get as a child.

[bengangmo]

I have a nearly 4 year old and a 6 month old. Sounds like we share an age gap in our kids ages though you are a bit ahead of me. Any thoughts on the gap? We tried to make it narrower, but it didn't happen for us, so here we are. I have been told multiple times that it is ideal usually they say it is because the 1st is well out of diapers when 2 comes along so it is really from a parenting perspective rather than from the kids perspective. Do you find that your kids enjoy each other for the most part? Also, what are your childrens genders?

ETA: Sorry for no wisdom yet, it will be forthcoming if I have any!

My two kids are 7 and 1. (both girls).


We lost one when my first was 9 months (so had it carried to term, we would have had two under 2).

Quite aside from the trauma of losing one, as the elder grew up we always commented that she was "lonely" and wished for a sibling for her to play with.

Now that the second is here, it's great - BUT the gap is too big, I wish it was much much smaller.

I must admit though that my eldest is great - she will be an oarsum big sister.

[bengangmo]

When my kids were infants, we read to them from David Sedaris books and the like - whatever we happened to be reading ourselves. They respond to the cadence and rhythm of your voice, and the content doesn't matter as much. Then when they become old enough to look at the pages as you turn them, we switched over to toddler-appropriate books.

Reading together is a nice, calming, bonding activity. (Well, generally. I've certainly had days where the squirming child slithered off my lap and darted away after the first two pages of a Dr. Seuss book.) Some days it has been the only real quiet down time I've had with my kids.

I started reading to my daughter as soon as I could get her to sit still long enough (she was still too young to understand "books" and "pages" I think it must have been around 15 months).

She will be 7 in October, and we still read a story together every night. Mostly Enid Blyton, but also a collection of others, including a sexuality tome directed at preteens. My youngest sometimes joins us - I will start it properly with her shortly.

My kid now reads waaay above her level - so much so that her kindergaren was going to get her to be the narrator of a two hour concert last year (changed their minds at the last moment - a decision I did agree with on reflection)

[Napier]

Keep your eyes peeled through their mid thirties. They seem to get pretty rammy around that time. Keep some of your investments liquid but don't disclose them.

[Silver Tyger]

Not a parent, but a trained camp counselor (enough to know that no advice works for all kids and that I don't want kids of my own).

As much as possible tell them what to do without using 'no', eg 'walk' instead of 'don't run.' At nothing else it keeps you from saying no all day long.

If you let them take a bottle of water to bed, you have to get up in the middle of the night to take them to the bathroom. And then they freak out that every noise is a bear. ... That might be more of a camp thing.

Schedules are awesome. You know what to do and when, and they can't argue (well.. you know). Happy nappy, shut your crappy yappy time is also awesome (I never used that term, actually, that was mostly me complaining about the people my age when I wanted to sleep).

From watching a little boy having a meltdown from being hungry, away from home, and not having his normal things to eat, and his counselor not helping: Little kids can't handle a ton of choices, especially if tired or hungry. For that matter, don't make food a big deal. If they can't finish their plate, well, they're done. They can have a snack later. (within reason, naturally)

From watching someone at karate and her hyper kids: your kids are probably better behaved than you think, or at very least making an accurate call on that when you're tired and been with them all day is not likely.

I'm a big believer in allowances, whether or not you make them dependent on doing chores. The sooner kids start learning how to handle money the better. (I was a saver, my sister was spender.)