Why do married people (USA) sleep together?

[handy]

I'm talking sleep here, same bed, not sex.

Is this some sort of ritual? Frankly, I can't get much sleep that way & was wondering about this custom.

[tomndebb]

We buy bigger beds.

[Inky]

It's a survial mechinism in these cold, northern climes. Women sleep in the same bed with their mate so that they can warm their freezing cold feet by sticking them against the poor guy just as he's about to drift into sleep. Men do it so they can fart under the blankets and then flap them in her direction.

[Jophiel]

'Cause it's comfy. Plus, I can bug her for sex in the morning. Plus, as long as she's sleeping in my bed, I know she's not sleeping in someone else's ;)

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"I guess it is possible for one person to make a difference, although most of the time they probably shouldn't."

[Markxxx]

You must never have slept alone. It's nice to know someone is there.

[CatInHat]

Cuz otherwise there's no one to fight with for the covers. I'd have to mess them up myself, and then steal them from myself. Much easier to let my hubby do some of the work.

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The Cat In The Hat

[tanstaafl]

OK, I realize that TWIAVBP but I'm having trouble with the entire question here. What countries/cultures are there in which married couples don't sleep together? I accept they must exist, else the OPs question would never have been raised, but this is one of those things which I always took to be universal.

Sorry, put me down with culture shock at the moment... (Something I don't get very often.)


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"You can't run away forever; but there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start." --- Jim Steinman

Dennis Matheson --- Dennis@mountaindiver.com
Hike, Dive, Ski, Climb --- www.mountaindiver.com (http://www.mountaindiver.com)

[CatInHat]

tanstaafl, what does TWIAVBP mean?

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The Cat In The Hat

[Ukulele Ike]

I would guess "The world is a very big place" ?

[Inky]

The more I think about it the more I realize what a good question this is. It never even occured to me that other cultures might not have cohabital sleeping arrangements. I suspect that it became the norm here because the United States was pretty much colonized (okay, swiped) by folks from northern Europe (English, Dutch, German, etc.) which are colder climates where a little warm snuggling would be a real good thing.

Whats the arrangement in the middle east or the medetranian?

[CatInHat]

Oh, I see now. That makes sense. Thanks, Ike. :)

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The Cat In The Hat

[kellibelli]

It started as a way to stay warm, and many families cant afford the extra room and extra bed, etc.

Besides, like Joltsucker (joltsucker?!?!?!) said...spoons.And it is a nice feeling to be next to someoneall night, look how many of us let our pets on the bed...same thing (without the sexual connotations)

Sadly, should I ever do the 'live together' thing again, it will have to be seperate rooms. :( I had my tonsils out when I was in my early twenties to cure the incredible snoring problem shitboy claimed I had.
My tonsils have grown back...*sigh* ...when 'B' stays over, he holds me all night, but sleeps very little, the snoring keeps him up. :(

:D but he doesnt fart and pull the covers over my head like shitboy used to do! :D

[Ukulele Ike]

"And it is a nice feeling to be next to someone all night, look how many of us let our pets on the bed...same thing (without the sexual connotations)"

Speak for yourself, kell.

Hmmmm...time to go to the hamster store again.

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Uke

[Pickman's Model]

If you wake up with a bad dream or something, it's the most reassuring thing in the world to be able to reach over and touch her, knowing that she's there. Ditto for her. I've had my wife wake me up in the middle of the night, crying from some nasty dream, asking to be held. As Kevin Costner said in The Untouchables, "It's nice to be married, huh?" :)

[NicePete]

(acting as ARG's attorney)

You're going to HELL for that one, Uke.

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Plunging like stones from a slingshot on Mars.

[Persephone]

I have been sleeping on the couch lately, but I have a good reason. I have to get up fifty bazillion times a night to use the bathroom, because I'm pregnant & due in about 2 weeks or so. My husband can't sleep on the couch, because that would mean he'd have to bring his CPAP machine (he wears it for sleep apnea) out into the living room. Not a good idea, with a curious 2 year old running around. Our couch is remarkably comfortable, though, so it's not a problem for me to actually sleep.

I do miss sleeping with my husband, though. He's warm & comfy.

[tanstaafl]

CatInHat - As Ike said, it's The World Is A Very Big Place. A recognition that on the Internet people can be posting from all over the world and the assumption that the person you are talking to has the same background/customs/frame of reference/etc that you do is often wrong.

[matt_mcl]

When my ex and I were going out, we couldn't wait for my parents to go on vacation so he could sleep in my bed. Another time, my ex before that and I fell asleep together in the afternoon, by chance. Having the sun streaming through the blinds and him nice and warm (and clothed; stop that) beside me... best damn nap I ever had.

[Sycorax]

Yeah, well, sleeping together is nice -- especially to snuggle when it's cold...but some of us need a bigger bed (at least queen size); I have a double, and it's not good enough. Boyfriend thrashes around in his sleep and steals the covers, puts his elbow in my back, crowds me to the edge of the bed.
I have gotten up and gone to the couch in order to get some undisturbed sleep. Thank God he's working the midnight shift now -- I'm getting some rest!

[Sue Duhnym]

Along the same lines...

I can't figure out for the life of me why people (in the US at least) are so gung ho on getting babies to sleep by themselves. I realize that parents usually use beds for sex also, but it just seems so weird.

I don't sleep alone, don't like to. (For that matter, I don't sleep through the night either!) Yet it seems that I'm constantly judged on whether or not I can get my little peanut to sleep in her crib, alone, all night long.

How sad is that? The image of a sweet little baby, huddled in the corner of her crib, with nothing to cuddle except the cold wooden slats.

Ah, she'll be up and in my bed before long anyway. :)

[Montfort]

When I was a kid, I was amazed to see that my great-grandparents, who moved to the States from eastern Europe in the early part of this century, slept in separate beds.

And, to answer Sue Duhnym, do I recall correctly reading about a study that infants sleeping in bed with their parent(s) cuts down significantly the risk of SIDS? Sounds like a good enough reason to me...

[JoltSucker]

Let me say one word to you...

"Spoons"

[Mardi]

Because we can...

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The snozberries taste like snozberries!

[StrTrkr777]

I didn't marry her to sleep alone. I was doing that fine before marriage.

Why would I not want to sleep in the same bed?

Jeffery

[Babar714]

Ike, use duct tape and the hamster won't explode.

[moriah]

The reasons people don't sleep in the same bed:

1. Partner's sleep habits make sleep impossible.

2. No longer like one's partner, but not willing to break up the marriage for whatever reason (cultural pressure and for the sake of the children being the top reasons).

3. Birth control.

4. Too hot.


Reasons why people do sleep together:

1. Sex.

2. They like each other.

3. They're mammals, and it feels good. Ever see pups or kits in a litter sleep all over each other? It's instinctual to cuddle up to a warm heart-beating body while sleeping.

4. It's cold.


Considering the emphasis on pleasure, sex, air conditioning, and birth control in the U.S., it is clear why most couples sleep together.

Peace.

[Satan]

My guess is other countries are still getting TV shows from the 50's. The thought of a married couple not sleeping in the same bed, aside from times maybe someone zonks out on the couch during a TV show or something, is unfathomable to me.

Yes, I also know married people who do not sleep together. But they are certainly the vast exception to the rule, and I personally couldn't do it.

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Yer pal,
Satan

[Stoid]

Well, my honey and I don't. We each have our own bedroom, and we like it that way.

[sunbear]

I used to have a twin bed and my feet were sticking out, as a teenager. Now, with a queen size bed, at least the bed is long enough. If blankets are a problem, you can get the German/European style thing, "dyne", which are ..sort of individual blankets in a weird sheet.

[kellibelli]

BABAR!!!!!! That was the stupidest post I have ever read!

Everyone knows there is no stretch to duct tape, you bonehead! Thats why you have to use an Ace bandage!
(rolls eyes)


SueDuhnym: I was all anal about the bed thing with my first, and as he only nursed for 3 months, I kept him in his own bed...he hates me most of the time now. But the younger one, (the tit-monster we used to call him) nursed for 13 months, and slept in my bed all the time. He had a crib, we kept toys in it. He always slept in my bed, with me...he preferred the middle, between shitboy and me, and he would spread out his arms and legs, (picture a starfish!) so he had limbs on each of us. It was very sweet.
When I went back to work, I was on the night shift, and I didnt worry about the baby, cause if he needed daddy, and daddy didnt wake right up, he would crack daddy one in the nose. When I got home, baby was still in bed, and I would hold him tight and go to sleep. When he woke, shitboy would come get him. At nap time, baby was back...cuddles galore! He slept really good, better than most kids.

Now almost 2 years ago, as I became single and prepared to whore around ;)...I started to put him in a junior bed at the foor of my bed (when I 'entertained, which was rare, he was out on the couch, or we were out on the couch)Now my angel has his own big boy bed, and goes to bed 9 times out of 10 with nary a peep. He still makes the trip to my bed in the wee hours a few times a week, but less all the time.

The best thing I ever did was let him sleep with me. He adores me. :)

[AHunter3]

tanstaafl:

TWIAVBP

Well, you expect that kind of thing from someone with a screen name of tanstaafl.



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Designated Optional Signature at Bottom of Post

[HeyHomie]

Tanstaafl asked if any other countries/cultures normally did not sleep in the same bed together (or words to that effect). I hope I can shed some light-

During the few months that I lived in Japan, it seemed to me that very few married couples with children slept together in the same bed, owing to the fact that mothers tended to have their children sleep in the same bed with them, and with space at a premium, something had to go, and that something was usually the husband.

For some reason, Americans are very skittish about having children (even babies) sleep in the same bed with them. I'm a Christian, and I can tell you confidently that most Christian leaders warn against the evils of this practice, but cannot offer a good reason when pressed. Of course, I wouldn't want a baby in a bed with me (if I had one, natch) for fear that I might roll over and crush the little bastard; heaven knows I've almost killed Ozzie the Morally Deficient Cat in this way.

A few more thoughts---

1. My grandparents, both nth-generation Americans, slept in separate beds, but that was because they hated each other.

2. Given the choice, I would sleep in my own bed, since I thrash about an awful lot, but my wife tolerates it and prefers having me in the bed, even if that means an occasional knee or elbow in the back. Go figure.

[TheIncredibleHolg]

If I slept in a bed of my own, my wife would have to get up and come over to kick me in the ribs when I snore. That'd be most inconvenient for her.

[handy]

I sleep with them & it's nice but I get a lot
better sleep when I sleep alone. Plus, kinda of nice, my own room, my own bed, tv, vcr & the kids in the other room with their mother.
Peace at last!

[tanstaafl]

Cecil once mentioned babies sleeping in the same bed with adults.
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/961122.html

He didn't really address issue, but Slug's cartoon is amusing.


AHunter3 - tanstaafl = There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch.

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"You can't run away forever; but there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start." --- Jim Steinman

Dennis Matheson --- Dennis@mountaindiver.com
Hike, Dive, Ski, Climb --- www.mountaindiver.com (http://www.mountaindiver.com)

[John W. Kennedy]

Other factors are space and, believe it or not, decor. Back in the days when men were Men and women were Women, a man wanted a masculine bedroom and a woman wanted a feminine one. You only slept together if you couldn't afford two bedrooms.

(I'm not joking -- check out any historic mansion.)

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John W. Kennedy
"Compact is becoming contract; man only earns and pays."
-- Charles Williams

[Ukulele Ike]

Ah, thank you, tanstaafl...I thought you were a play on "rijsttafel," Dutch for "rice table"...a version of the Indonesian meal of hot rice served with an array of small, highly seasoned accompanying dishes.

Well, no, I didn't really.

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Uke

[Eureka]

When I was in Isreal I was amused by the fact that most of the hotels we stayed in had two twin beds next to each other, where in the U.S. there would have been one double or queen-sized bed. This was greatly appreciated by my companions and I as we had little desire to share a bed and so moved the beds slightly apart.(This was a trip through my college, so we did not know each other before the trip). I realized later that it was at least partially a religous thing, as very religious Jews may not sleep in the same bed, at least during a portion of them month. (not being Jewish, I don't recall the details, but it is related to the woman being unclean during her period).

Eureka (formerly known as Archimedes)

[Deborah]

"...as very religious Jews may not sleep in the same bed, at least during a portion of them month. (not being Jewish, I don't recall the details, but it is related to the woman being unclean during her period)."

Any of the Teeming Millions who are interested in the intricacies of "family purity" in the Jewish tradition should run a Deja.Com search of the alt.fan.cecil-adams archives. A high point of this discussion was when an Orthodox Jewish Lesbian explained how she and her partner interpreted the rule.

Best regards from Deborah



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[Whammo]

ALRIGHT!!! Im glad this question came up... first off I did not know that it wasnt customery in some countries to sleep in the same bed. I am not married but I live with a woman of some time and we DO NOT sleep together because she is a light sleeper and I breath loud and thrash. I HAVE FELT VERY WIERD ABOUT THIS and wondered if other people would think this weird (actually it HAS caused me great wondering and some strife in our relationship) so are you people telling me this is normal and NOT maybe signifiying a problem? please.... I gotta know....

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The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I'm left with is the memory of having learned
something very wise that I can't quite remember. -George Carlin

[Steviant]

A long time ago I read a quote from Vincent Van Gogh that went something along these lines: "When you wake up at dawn and someone is breathing gently beside you the world does not seem like such a terrible place."

[PunditLisa]

I love sharing a bed with a warm male. Part of the reason I got married. It makes me feel protected to have him there.

I pity the man who sleeps with my daughter, though. Sleeping next to her is like being in a Jackie Chan movie. WHACK! JAP-SLAP! KICK TO THE RIBS!


P.S. Is "Jap-Slap" an offensive term?

[sunbear]

handy said:I sleep with them(kids) & it's nice but I get a lot
better sleep when I sleep alone. Plus, kinda of nice, my own room, my own bed, tv, vcr & the kids in the other room with their mother.
Peace at last!

Getting alittle personal here, but it seems it would be easier for you than say, me, to sleep in the room with others present. Even if they watch tv.Or do you need it completely dark to sleep. What do you use for an alarm clock, besides the wife?

[handy]

'A long time ago I read a quote from Vincent Van Gogh that went
something along these lines: "When you wake up at dawn and
someone is breathing gently beside you the world does not seem
like such a terrible place."

Lol, that is funny. What woman could imagine waking up next to this guy with one ear bleeding? Yeah, right, Vincent.

sunbear, I don't have a wife. I can't hear that alarm. I just have a natural alarm that gets me up whenever I need to. Also, I put the blankets over my eyes as they are light sensitive.

[Shirley Ujest]

When you travel through a variety of European countries and stay in non-American based hotels ( Holiday Inn as an example) you will find that most of the double bed situations in these said rooms are actually two twin beds pushed together. You wouldn't believe how many people actually will WHINE about that little divider line in the middle of the bed when they are only sleeping there for a night or so.

Hubby and I have two twin beds pushed together. We call it the Lucy and Ricky Ricardo Bedset. It makes it easier to changes the sheets as he will sometimes come to bed without a shower and dirty the sheets, while I can go longer between laundy with my sheets.

Where else but in a bed like this can you have a conversation start: " My arm and shoulder are stuck in the crack." " Oh look, there are where all my socks have disappeared too.I should change the sheets more often." " If you cross that line it will mean you are horny." "If YOU cross that line you are a dead man."

We call it the line of demarcation ;)


As for babies and co-sleeping ( what is with this term? Co-sleeping?) I am a very light sleeper. Between sharing the bed, the line of demarcation, the 90# dog vying for her spot, putting our son in this hodge podge just makes mommies slice of the pie a little smaller. If he is awake due to hubby's air raid siren of an alarm going off every ten minutes for two hours ( This is the reason we don't keep ammo in the house for the gun.), and it is after 5am, then our son is changed, given a bottle and plopped down next to mommies unconscious form for hopefully another two hours of sleep. If he squirms, I pin him down with my arm and bracket him in with pillows to keep him from falling in the crack in the bed.

In regards to co-sleeping and helping prevent SIDS. I thought that the latest tests and studies from Italy showed that SIDS was caused by a unpredictable misfiring/irregular heart beat or a freak electrical once-in-a-life-time wiring to the heart situation. Unpredictable and unpreventable, apparently. I hate it when I don't have the exact terminology, but I hope you get the picture. Sleeping with the parents may make them more aware if the baby stops breathing and start action immediately.

[tomndebb]

Montfort:And, to answer Sue Duhnym, do I recall correctly reading about a study that infants sleeping in bed with their parent(s) cuts down significantly the risk of SIDS? Sounds like a good enough reason to me...

Unfortunately, my anecdotal rebuttal is that my sister's firstborn died of SIDS at just under two weeks of age while sharing a bed with her parents.
This was around 20 years ago and at that time there was information floating around that sleeping with their parents put babies at risk for SIDS (at least according to some twit that just had to share that with my sister).

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Tom~

[Lumpy]

Snoring. I love my wife dearly, but her snoring is like listening to a warthog and an anaconda battling to the death. I can't even sleep in the same room as her.

[sunbear]

Lots of Europeans live in fairly small apartments. It's convenient to put twin beds along walls, still leaves a little room in the middle of the room. My aunt and uncle slept at a 90 degree angle, sharing the same reading light. The separate beds is sort of lower middle class, but with a little more wealth they like to show off with a bed that's not quite queen size.The sheets are all different from here.IKEA tried to sell these wrong size "queen" beds here, no mattress would fit.

[OpalCat]

When we had a queen bed, we rarely slept together, because we'd ust turn into big balls of sweat if we did (even in winter)... generally the kiddo slept with whoever was in the bed, but sometimes he forced us to share the couch (and then we'd turn into sweatballs again)

Now we have a king size bed and we all sleep in it together, unless someone falls asleep on the couch before bedtime, or if someone has to get up early or something. Sometimes I get up in the middle of the night and want to read, so I'll go sleep in my son's room so the light doesn't wake my husband up.

Basically, I can't sleep touching someone. I get too hot. I have to ice down the house with A/C *and* have a fan pointed at me as it is.

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