Did your parents hit you? And how did you turn out?

[Mr. Excellent]

Question as in the OP - poll coming momentarily.

[Kolga]

You're going to need to define "hit." I was spanked, but never slapped or hit with a fist or implement anywhere other than my bottom (hairbrush, belt). Do you mean what most people would consider reasonable physical punishment, or something like the video from Texas?

[otternell]

spanked for sure - not the belt beat-down that they are talking about in the pit.

[tdn]

There needs to be an option between rarely and often, but I chose the latter. And yes, spanking, not beating.

[olivesmarch4th]

Yes. Never punching or bruising. Mostly slapping and shoving and the occasional thing thrown at me and once a bleeding scratch on my face. Isolated incidents may not seem so bad, but they weren't isolated incidents. My childhood was a neverending barrage of personal insults and screaming and broken glass. And what felt like very legitimate and real threats of death from an out of control, mentally ill mother. It went on for hours and it was frightening, degrading and humiliating.

It was absolutely traumatizing. I required very expensive therapy.

I am pretty much over it now.

[Rilchiam]

You're going to need to define "hit." I was spanked, but never slapped or hit with a fist or implement anywhere other than my bottom (hairbrush, belt). Do you mean what most people would consider reasonable physical punishment, or something like the video from Texas?

I was going to say. I was screamed at, shaken, flung up against walls, pinched, had my arm twisted, threatened with everything up to and including death...Do I have to go on or is that enough? But there was very little hitting with fists or open hands, never with a belt, and only occasionally with spoons or a paddle. So according to my parents, I didn't get "hit".

(Okay, there were a few times when it was just a spanking, and it was justified. But those were during the good years. During the bad years, anything could happen and a lot did.)

[Mr. Excellent]

You're going to need to define "hit." I was spanked, but never slapped or hit with a fist or implement anywhere other than my bottom (hairbrush, belt). Do you mean what most people would consider reasonable physical punishment, or something like the video from Texas?

I mean whatever happened to you. Feel free to elaborate in a response, but getting hit is getting hit - an object or body part impacting with you at speed. Spanking is hitting. Beating is more severe hitting.

[olivesmarch4th]

I was going to say. I was screamed at, shaken, flung up against walls, pinched, had my arm twisted, threatened with everything up to and including death...Do I have to go on or is that enough? But there was very little hitting with fists or open hands, never with a belt, and only occasionally with spoons or a paddle. So according to my parents, I didn't get "hit".

(Okay, there were a few times when it was just a spanking, and it was justified. But those were during the good years. During the bad years, anything could happen and a lot did.)
Yeah. I remember my Mom's honest-to-god confusion about how she possibly could have been abusive. ''I never hit you with a closed fist.'' Okay, well, being pinned to the ground with my arms held down so you could slap me repeatedly in the face with your loving open palm wasn't exactly TLC.

(ETA: My Mom now recognizes what she did as abuse and has apologized profusely. She really did do her best at the time.)

[FairyChatMom]

We'd get the occasional swat on the butt, always with a hand, never with anything else. I never smacked my own kid - she mostly responded well to time-out, altho in later years she confessed to cheating - like lying on the floor looking around the corner to watch TV when she was supposed to be sitting in the corner in the hallway. Sneaky little kid...

We had a neighbor who used to use a wooden spoon on her kids. I thought that was terrible, but her kids turned out pretty good, except for the youngest, but I don't think that has anything to do with the spoon. He's just not too smart with money.

[Rilchiam]

olives, we really seem to parallel each other at times.

Oh, and I forgot the "How did you turn out?" half of the question. How I turned out was a perfect target for bullies. That's all I care to say this fine morning.

[Soylent Juicy]

I was occasionally spanked, only on my butt, and it must have been for a bad transgression because my parents and I have a very mutually respectful relationship. I don't even remember what I was getting spanked for. Never slapped across the face and certainly never "beaten".

The only one I remember is for leaving food garbage in the livingroom because it would attract bugs. My mom told me over and over and one day I guess I left a banana peel in there and she'd had enough of telling me. I think that was the last time I got spanked and I would have been about 8 years old.

When I was little I got spanked with a wooden paint stir stick, the flyswatter, a two-holed belt, or just their open hand. Come to think of it, it was the THREAT of a spanking that I remember. ("Don't make me get the paint stick!") I must have been hit at least once to have the fear of those objects instilled in me, but for the life of me I don't remember it.

[tdn]

It was absolutely traumatizing. I required very expensive therapy.

I am pretty much over it now.

So would it be fair to say that you did NOT turn out fine? I mean, I know that you've done a lot of work on yourself, but without that work would you now be a mess?

[AK84]

Its was not rare, but not that often. Mostly slaps, but I remember a slipper, a belt, a table tennis raquet and once a monkey bar.

My parents were/are good parents and I like to think I turned out well.

[Palo Verde]

I was spanked as a little kid, and I spanked my own kids when they were little. In both cases it was a few swats on a clothed bottom with an open hand.

Everyone turned out fine.

[Antinor01]

I was spanked a number of times, slapped once and pushed to the ground once. I turned out fine, deserved all the spankings and basically pushed my dad to a breaking point for the other two things.

[Koldanar]

According to my mother (and memories of me being older than 5 or so) I only ever got struck if I struck first. And that took me two times to learn.

(I was very reactive to time out type punishments. Tell an ADD kid to sit in the corner and do nothing? No reading, no anything? I HATED that.)

[Anaamika]

My story isn't as bad as olives' or Rilchiam, since most of it was emotional and psychological abuse, but I had my share of spankings, which I don't resent too much, and one or two actual beatings which I would consider abuse.

One was with high heels, which was particularly brutal.

And pinching of course was common.

[CrazyCatLady]

I was spanked as whatever adult in charge deemed appropriate, generally for repeated deliberate misbehavior and with multiple warnings. Nobody feels the least bit bad about those. Mom lost her shit and slapped me once or twice and threw a coffee cup at my head once, though I think she was actually aiming at my brother. Those incidents bother her a lot more than they bother me; she felt and still feels absolutely horrible about them, and I shrugged them off almost immediately. Especially the coffee cup--my brother was (and likely still is) an incredibly frustrating person to live with and I frequently wanted to bludgeon him myself.

Near as I can tell, I turned out fine. A little curmudgeonly and obstructively cynical, maybe, but that's a function of the people outside my family. No smoking, no drug use, no inappropriate drinking, no promiscuity or history of violence, no apparent mental health issues, no difficulties maintaining personal relationships.

[olivesmarch4th]

So would it be fair to say that you did NOT turn out fine? I mean, I know that you've done a lot of work on yourself, but without that work would you now be a mess?
Absolutely. I thought that was obvious. I had full-blown PTSD for at least a decade because of it. I couldn't sleep at night, and I didn't feel safe anywhere. I was particularly sensitive to loud noises. I couldn't even walk past a person with their hands in their pockets without flinching out of fear of attack. ''Getting over it'' required intensive prolonged exposure therapy two hours a day, seven days a week, for three months. I've been meaning to start a thread about the awesomeness of exposure therapy.

[Dogzilla]

olives, we really seem to parallel each other at times.

Oh, and I forgot the "How did you turn out?" half of the question. How I turned out was a perfect target for bullies. That's all I care to say this fine morning.

I'm with them. I don't recall getting hit much, but I was paddled with a big-ass paddle. Once my dad had me backed up against the dining room wall by my throat with his big fist drawn back. As I was waiting for him to punch the shit out of me so I could go call CPS, my stepmom stepped in between us and sent me out of the room. If it wasn't physical violence, it was emotional manipulation using mostly fear, guilt, and shame.

I also turned out not only a perfect target for bullies, but an excellent mark for manipulative, controlling, abusive assholes. It took a couple of decades and some therapy to finally be able to figure out how to be in a healthy relationship. That recovery also required moving 1,200 miles away from my family, with whom I have very little contact.

[tdn]

Absolutely. I thought that was obvious.

What you just described wasn't obvious. I really admire you for doing the work that you did to get through it.

[Moonlitherial]

I was hit quite frequently when I was a young child. When I was about 10 my parents spanked me rather seriously for stealing and lying. A couple of weeks later it was accidentally discovered that I was indeed not lying and it was my little brother who had stolen my mother's cigarettes. That seemed to be the turning point for them and they rarely hit me afterwards. My brother has a very different recollection of his childhood since he was still fairly young when my parents saw the light.

My kids are in their 20's now and other than a couple of smacks through a well padded butt specifically when they were putting themselves at risk they were never hit, spanked or beaten. I never found a lack of options for punishments and the personal ban on physical punishment made me more aware of when I was punishing them as a teaching tool and when I was just punishing out of anger. I think that being aware of that made me a better parent.

[Dogzilla]

I just have to say that I think there is a huge world of difference between a lifetime of constant belittlement, humiliation, degradation, and inconsistent hypocrisy (sometimes enforcing the rules, sometimes not, and never following the rules themselves) and getting a swat on the ass with an open hand a couple of times. The former I'd classify as abuse. The latter I would not.

[Kolga]

I mean whatever happened to you. Feel free to elaborate in a response, but getting hit is getting hit - an object or body part impacting with you at speed. Spanking is hitting. Beating is more severe hitting.

Ah. Then yes, I was spanked (not often), mostly with an open hand, rarely with a hairbrush or belt. My parents always took the time either before or after to explain why (once I got old enough to understand), and while I did my share of normal childhood and teenage hijinks, I think I've turned out quite well, all things considered.

[Rachellelogram]

I was hit more in my younger years. When I got old enough to outrun it, I did.

Did I turn out ok? Well I was never a juvenile delinquent, I've never been arrested, indicted, or spent time in jail. I've never done anything more illegal than smoking questionable substances, littering, jaywalking, illegal downloading, and speeding. I'm a functional, sufficiently-productive American consumer.

I wouldn't consider myself well-adjusted, though. I'm not sure if that's a result of being physically punished--I was emotionally abused more than I was spanked or smacked. I was punished inconsistently in general, and during my formative childhood years I witnessed my mom letting my dad kick the shit out of her, over and over again. Because of that, I have a lot of trouble with trust and maintaining relationships, and an instinctive need to rebel against parental or authority figures. I'm afraid to have kids because I worry that I'll fuck them up the way I was fucked up.

Sorry I can't answer the question more succinctly; as with most people, it's complicated.

[gallows fodder]

I said I was hit rarely, but I have a bad memory in general and I also have a memory of telling my 8th grade guidance counselor asking me what I would change about my family if I could and I said I wished my parents (really my dad) didn't use corporal punishment, so I don't really know how often it was. He hit us on the bottom and thighs with his shoe when he was upset with us, and my mother says (I have no memory of this) that he slapped me in the face in public once.

I turned out all right, in that I'm a productive member of society and have never hit anyone myself in my life, but I didn't have a good relationship with my father as a child -- I didn't really have a relationship at all with him then; he only spoke to me to tell me what to do and to punish me when I didn't do it. The corporal punishment was only one dimension of that lack of connection. That has left its mark on me, for sure, particularly in the way I relate to men and to authority figures, but I can't separate the effect of the hitting from the rest of it.

[Rushgeekgirl]

I haven't turned out so well, but I wouldn't say "badly" and how I turned out were more due to other reasons I don't care to go into here.

My mother spanked me occasionally when I very young, but my grandfather tended to push, smack and kick me when he was in a foul mood. It was always over some minor infraction. One day I shut the car door too hard and he slapped and beat me all the way into the house. Another time he thought I'd been on the phone too long (I hadn't been, and I was just on the phone with my mom at work so it would have had to been a brief call) so he kicked me repeatedly. I didn't go to his house after that for several years.

I wasn't beaten or spanked with any sort of regularity, but it was more than rare.

I spanked my oldest a few times. I don't spank her sister and don't plan to.

I wonder if this thread is in relation to that video that's come out about the judge beating his teen daughter. I just saw it about an hour ago and cried. It reminded me of some of the beatings I took from my grandfather, but much,much worse. What got me was after, when the parents stood there in front of her and talked to each other about how THEY failed and THEY shouldn't have allowed her to have a computer because she was immature. In other words, they beat her for their own parenting mistakes. And after they came to that realization, the father beat her some more, and told her she didn't deserve to live in his house. What a sick, sick man. Sadly the place I read about it has several people justifying the beating. There is no justification in my mind.

[El Burro Buenmozo]

My dad would hit me for just about any reason, including when he had a crappy day at work. He taught me that standing up for myself was useless and would only make things worse. He taught me that good actions were no guarantee of reward, & that bad actions would bring on the pain. (same for contradicting him when he accused me of doing something I didn't do.) Result: Cowardly, lying doormat with co-dependence issues. Lots of therapy & I still struggle with issues of trust. I never hit my kids and I rarely even yell, but I still scare them when I get angry. Nobody likes me when I'm angry.

[olivesmarch4th]

I just have to say that I think there is a huge world of difference between a lifetime of constant belittlement, humiliation, degradation, and inconsistent hypocrisy (sometimes enforcing the rules, sometimes not, and never following the rules themselves) and getting a swat on the ass with an open hand a couple of times. The former I'd classify as abuse. The latter I would not.
Absolutely agree. There's also a huge difference between Mom losing her shit once or twice (like CrazyCatLady's) and Mom losing her shit every other day. Personally, though, I don't expect that I will ever be able to implement even mild physical discipline in my own household. This is when it becomes advantageous to have a child behavioral therapist for a husband.

[brittekland]

All of us got spanked no matter whose fault it was. That resulted in us turning out behaviorally well, ie, as individuals, but we don't have very close lovable sibling relationship at all; we don't know how to do that. It's not like we hate each other but we don't hang out, talk much or have much of relationship. When we do see each other at family gatherings we don't do much of any greeting rituals but we do smile and say, "hey" to each other though and that's how we essentially communicate.

People mistakenly think we are having some type of family feud. My mother regrets the rational she employed: if all of us got spanked we would learn to manage ourselves to keep quiet and stay out of trouble. It worked too well; We stayed away from each other and we still do.

[RealityChuck]

A few times when I was little, but not enough to hurt: it was mostly to startle me. They stopped by the time I got into kindergarten.

[Toxylon]

I chose the option "often and turned out rather badly", because without a couple of lucky strikes (bad pun) and therapy, I would've offed myself due to childhood issues, substantially stemming from repeated, severe physical punishment from fractions I rarely understood. Like calling my sister "a homo" at age four and entering a world of pain. I'm quite OK now, but was a mess until my mid-twenties.

[Mr. Excellent]

To those who've asked: Yes, this is in response to the video of the Texas judge.

I've seen a few posters, here and elsewhere, arguing that limited use of force against children isn't a problem, but that what the judge did was wrong. I've seen a smaller set of poster argue that what the judge did was either not wrong, or wrong but understandable. (No cites - I don't care to feed the Pit this afternoon.)

For myself - my parents never struck me, instead opting for nonviolent punishments exclusively. I think I turned out quite well; I'm a lawyer with a stable job, good friends, and so on. I wouldn't call my life perfect by any stretch, but I'm clearly a high-functioning adult.

[Soliloquy]

I was spanked occasionally, but I was the "good" kid in the family. Made the best grades, didn't get into trouble. My sister was spanked far more often. My brother was beaten to the point of abuse.

My sister is estranged from the family and refuses to acknowledge anything that isn't sunshine and rainbows. She can't hold down a real job and is a 16 year old trapped in a 30 year old body. My brother has been arrested multiple times for domestic violence and meth use. He didn't move out of my mother's house until he was 31, when she basically kicked him out after I found his scraper baggies and explained to her what that could mean for her.

I have typical perfectionist issues, major body image issues, and have been in a couple of abusive relationships, but turned out best of the three of us. I have an excellent, well paying job that I love. I've been supporting myself since I was 17. I'm in a great relationship now with my high school sweetheart. And I've accepted that it's ok that my dad was an asshole and now he's dead. I don't have to idolize him because he died. My mom wasn't perfect, and was victimized by my dad, too.

I'd like to see my brother and sister grow up and get better, but until they do, they're out of my life. I have a son. It's one thing to let them hurt me, but another for them to hurt him.

Don't know how much of that is related to how bad we each got hit, but... I'm sure it has a little to do with it, anyway.

[Anaamika]

Oh yeah, how did I turn out? Well, parents say to raise a kid properly the kid really has to have fear of their parents. I guess parents know best, but I don't think fear is the best way. Fear kills love, it's like a slow poison. Anyway, I stopped loving my parents long ago, though the beatings were only the smallest part of it.

[Malthus]

To those who've asked: Yes, this is in response to the video of the Texas judge.

I've seen a few posters, here and elsewhere, arguing that limited use of force against children isn't a problem, but that what the judge did was wrong. I've seen a smaller set of poster argue that what the judge did was either not wrong, or wrong but understandable. (No cites - I don't care to feed the Pit this afternoon.)

For myself - my parents never struck me, instead opting for nonviolent punishments exclusively. I think I turned out quite well; I'm a lawyer with a stable job, good friends, and so on. I wouldn't call my life perfect by any stretch, but I'm clearly a high-functioning adult.

The cautionary message is clear: if you don't smack your kid, s/he'll become ... a lawyer! :eek:

I, too, was not phyisically disciplined let alone beaten, and I'm also, alas, a lawyer :D

[Dung Beetle]

I was spanked and I turned out okay.

My brother was beaten and abused. He hasn’t done so well.

[aceplace57]

Of course I got my butt whipped. Deserved it too. Mom & Dad never got carried away. It was usually 3 or 4 pops with a belt. Got my ass whipped at school a few times too.

It certainly was nothing like that judge's video.

I treat people with respect. Say yes ma'am and Yes sir to strangers and I don't cheat or steal. I think my parents raised me right.

[PunditLisa]

I can still hear the jingle of dad's belt. I didn't get swatted or spanked more than a handful of times, but the threat of it was sufficient to put me in a conforming frame of mind. My mom rarely hit. She'd scream, yell, cajole, and cry. And then she'd sulk and seethe, sometimes for days on end.

Give me the belt any day over the silent treatment!

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Corporal punishment only works well if the parents have laid the proper groundwork. My parents, especially my father, was 50 times more loving and affectionate than he was a disciplinarian. They never were out to injure me but rather to shock me out of my bad behavior. I never believed that I wasn't loved, even when I was being punished. And I never held a grudge or felt that I was treated unfairly.

[chizzuk]

My brother and I were never hit. No spanking, no hitting with objects, no grabbing or shaking or throwing or anything like that. My parents never once touched us in anger. They used lectures and withholding privileges.

I turned out fine. My brother has been more of a mixed bag, but he has some serious issues with depression and I can't imagine that being spanked as a child would have changed that. He's kind of immature and has poor coping skills.

[tdn]

I'm starting to see a pattern here.

My nieces and nephew were never spanked to the best of my knowledge. I can't imagine them having turned out any better than they are. My 2nd niece had some self-esteem issues as a kid, but as an adult is probably the most together person in our family.

[shiftless]

Mom laid into my brother and me with a belt plenty of times (roughly the late 1950s -1960s.) My parents talked about my Dad whipping us if we REALLY got in trouble but it never happened. I don't think he had it in him. I could imagine my parents doing lots worse things than spanking me.

I was also spanked at school (public school) a couple of times and I was the quiet, good kid who never got in trouble. Some kids got the paddle a lot. I turned out fine.

[Dogzilla]

Absolutely agree. There's also a huge difference between Mom losing her shit once or twice (like CrazyCatLady's) and Mom losing her shit every other day. Personally, though, I don't expect that I will ever be able to implement even mild physical discipline in my own household. This is when it becomes advantageous to have a child behavioral therapist for a husband.

Nice!

Like rachelellogram, I refuse to have children because I'm afraid that, when I'm tired, and overwhelmed, and frustrated, and hungry, and sleep-deprived (which it sounds like to me describes 90% of parenting), I will revert to how I was raised, which is to say, I'm afraid I would beat the shit outta my kids or treat them like their birth was a personal affront to me. So I am sparing them from existing and having to go through that.

Good on you for having the courage!

[Barkis is Willin']

I was spanked probably fewer than ten times throughout my childhood. The last time was when I was about eight years old and I remember it well. I turned out Ok, as in, I have a great relationship with my parents, overall fond memories from childhood, no therapy, etc.

[IvoryTowerDenizen]

No (well once I can remember), but the psychological and emotional abuse was enough.

[Silver Tyger]

I'm not answering the poll, because 'hit' is abuse. I was spanked as a kid (last time I was 16 - and I deserved it). I turned out fine - I have good self esteem, I like my parents, I don't do risky behaviours. Admittedly, I was a stubborn child.

I wouldn't recommend spanking as discipline these days. OTOH, you have to use what works (if something does). I don't think my parents would spank a child these days.

[Rhiannon8404]

I votes "Often, and I turned out quite well", but that in no way means that I think my mother was right.

My mom believed in spanking. She thought "spare the rod, spoil the child" was one of the 10 commandments. I was spanked a lot. Almost every infraction seemed to have spanking as a punishment. I was a stubborn, willful child and my mom really believed she was doing the correct thing in spanking me. She believed that a child's will needed to be broken in order for their heart to be right with God. Rarely did she spank me out of control and she always gave me the little speech about not wanting to do it, but it was for my own good. Usually it was a measured number of strokes, generally with her hand. Sadly for her, I have and extremely high pain threshold and even knowing I would be spanked for something didn't stop me from taking the risk of getting caught.

She's very sorry about that now. She was pretty young and naive and believed without thinking for herself what her church told her. She grew up, spiritually and mentally and by the time she had my brother (11yrs after me) he was rarely spanked. I think I smacked the Kiddo on the bum a couple of times when he was little - single swat to get his attention, but I never felt right about even that, so I stopped. I think he's turning out quite well, too.

[MeanOldLady]

There needs to be an option between rarely and often...Yup. I got spanked sometimes, but neither "rarely" nor "often" would describe the frequency. My parents are old school. They spanked as punishment, and everyone's fine. I'm not like a lot of folks here, and don't think all hitting = abuse. I was never pinched, slapped, cursed at, belittled, or hit with any object besides my mother's belt. We all were spanked when we misbehaved, then were sent to our rooms without further chit chat.

[SnakesCatLady]

When I lived with an aunt and uncle from about 5-8 years old, I was switched - stripped to my underwear and beaten with a small flexible tree branch from my neck to my ankles. My mother made a "surprise" visit one weekend after one such incident; when she saw my back she walked into my aunt & uncles bedroom, snatched him out of bed by his shirt and told him she'd kill him if he ever laid a hand on me again. She then flew back to D.C., resigned from her job, flew back to Georgia and got me the hell out of there. She eventually forgave them; I never did.

She spanked me occasionally, but learned quickly I responded better to other punishments. I would be grounded, but not sent to my room. Sending me to my room with its abundance of books was not a punishment. I had to sit in the living room and work on a 8x12 foot latch hook rug. Merciful Goddess I hated that rug.

I have it now - it's actually very nice - and I still entertain the thought of setting the damned thing on fire.

I ended up with pretty bad weight issues; when I lived with my aunt and uncle the only pleasure I had in life was eating. (Bitch was a good cook) So I am a stress eater. Other than that, I turned out pretty well.

[Nava]

Very, very rarely: I'm told I got spanked once when I was 5 but can't remember it; I was spanked the second time when I was 11 and can't remember exactly why but I do remember I wasn't so much overstepping the line as willfully disintegrating it. That's it. The threat of Mom's Dr Scholl's wooden flip-flops (which never actually got used, with any of us) was enough to make us tune it waaaay down.

There was a lot of psychological abuse, but not physical one.

I turned out OK, but it took me decades to get over the fear that, if I ever became a mother, I'd be as bad at it as my mother, her sister, their mother, and the mother of their father. My brothers (which I co-parented) didn't turn out too badly, and Middlebro's worst defects are... the things in which he resembles Mom :smack:




I'm asuming the OP is about childhood exclusively: my mother didn't start that shit of pinching me because she happened to be mad at whatever (which may not even involve me) until I was in my twenties. She stopped it when I showed her those "playful pinches" were leaving bruises.

[ReticulatingSplines]

Man, my mom used to beat the shit out of me with a broomstick. She never hit my face, but got me just about everywhere else. And yeah, I'm fucked up now. But nobody knew it because I got good grades. Nobody ever thinks you have a problem if you get good grades.

[olivesmarch4th]

But nobody knew it because I got good grades. Nobody ever thinks you have a problem if you get good grades.
The most common assumption people made about my parents is that they pressured me to get good grades. They never did.

[Lute Skywatcher]

Usually spankings, though Dad did go upside my head a couple of times.

Injuries were caused by my PITA brother (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=8696168&highlight=angry+brother#post8696168).

[Sudden Kestrel]

I chose the last option (often/turned out badly). I do need to explain that by "turned out badly" I do not mean that I became an abuser or was abused in adult relationships, committed crimes, took massive quantities of illegal substances, etc.

I did end up emotionally, educationally, vocationally, financially, experientially and spiritually maimed.

[MichaelEmouse]

Mr Excellent,

Are you looking for a correlation or hinting at a causal link? I am certainly not denying that one could exist either way. But even if we find that, say, abuse is correlated with turning out badly, it could just mean that parents who hit their children also tend to be incompetent parents who screw up in other ways. That is to say, it's not the hitting that causes the turning out badly but rather a personality flaw that causes both hitting and raising your children in a way that makes them turn badly.




As for me, I remember:
1 spanking (mother, I think).
3 times being grasped by the front of the collar (2 times father, 1 time mother).
1 time being thrown on the ground (father).

Being yelled at by my father a lot and feeling like I have to walk on eggshells lest I get my father yelling at me messed me up more than any physical violence.


I'd say I turned out alright except for some social anxiety.

[Anaamika]

Mr Excellent,

Are you looking for a correlation or hinting at a causal link? I am certainly not denying that one could exist either way. But even if we find that, say, abuse is correlated with turning out badly, it could just mean that parents who hit their children also tend to be incompetent parents who screw up in other ways. That is to say, it's not the hitting that causes the turning out badly but rather a personality flaw that causes both hitting and raising your children in a way that makes them turn badly.




I agree with you. I don't think there is a correlation. I bet that many parents who spank are good parents, and many aren't. It depends on everything else the parent does.

[ReticulatingSplines]

The most common assumption people made about my parents is that they pressured me to get good grades. They never did.

Interesting. In my experience only the bad grades throw up red flags. As they should, perhaps, but I wasn't the only kid who got the pinata treatment for doing poorly on a test.

[Roderick Femm]

I can't find an option on the poll to fit me - mine is somewhere between rarely and often. And I think I turned out fine.

I got spanked with a belt (not like in the video, just spanked) on my butt when I did something really bad, mostly for lying, up until I was so big that my mother wasn't strong enough to make an impression (either parent might spank, but the last one was her, and I just lay there with no reaction).

I think I turned out pretty good, but I don't think the spankings had a lot to do with it. I am an (sometimes obsessively) honest person, but I think that the emphasis on making the worst punishment for lying is what did it, not the fact that that punishment was spanking. That, and learning by example.

One time my father, who was prone to attacks of anger, whacked me across the face and knocked it into the wall, giving me a bloody nose. I never did find out what that was for. That kind of discipline had no effect whatever, except to make me afraid of him.


Roddy

[tdn]

Are you looking for a correlation or hinting at a causal link? I am certainly not denying that one could exist either way. But even if we find that, say, abuse is correlated with turning out badly, it could just mean that parents who hit their children also tend to be incompetent parents who screw up in other ways. That is to say, it's not the hitting that causes the turning out badly but rather a personality flaw that causes both hitting and raising your children in a way that makes them turn badly.

I think that's an excellent insight.

[ENugent]

Are you looking for a correlation or hinting at a causal link? I am certainly not denying that one could exist either way. But even if we find that, say, abuse is correlated with turning out badly, it could just mean that parents who hit their children also tend to be incompetent parents who screw up in other ways. That is to say, it's not the hitting that causes the turning out badly but rather a personality flaw that causes both hitting and raising your children in a way that makes them turn badly.
Another possibility is that those with "difficult" kids are more likely to spank, and that "difficult" kids are more likely to grow up with problems.

[tim-n-va]

Another one who didn't answer because I didn't like the lack of distinction between a few open-hand-on-bottom smacks and beating with fists, etc.

As a parent I thought a UN analogy was best:
First we tell you you did wrong (and not to do it again), next we try sanctions (time out) then we send in the troops (spanking).

A viable system of discipline has to be just that, a system. There has to be the reasonable expectation that worse punishments can come. If your first step is a fist to the face, what are you going to escalate to? On the other hand, if the worst thing that can ever happen is a five minute time-out, most kids over three can just shrug that off.

Knowing the worst, you rarely have to escalate beyond the mildest.

[Lord Il Palazzo]

I voted, but I also think there should be more specific distinction in the answers.

For what it's worth, I was probably spanked every two to three months, have always been on good terms with my parents and am a productive member of society. (Granted, I work for the government so your mileage may vary on that last one.)

Edit: To clarify "spanked": It was always open hand, on bottom, through clothes.

[jackdavinci]

My evil stepmother spanked me twice and slapped me once, for things I didn't do. Gave me nightmares. Later my aunts and grandma beat her up and she didn't do it again.

My Mom never hit me, but she was a yeller, which was only marginally better.

Even as a small child it was blindingly obvious to me that most adults at the time behaved towards their kids based on their own emotions and not any actual thought out system of moral training.

The real lesson boils down to "don't piss off your adult, and don't be anywhere on their radar when they are pissed off for some other reason"

[jackdavinci]

I turned out generally OK, mostly unrelated to anything they did or didn't do. Probably the biggest thing they did right was love reading, and encourage me to love reading, which exposed me to lots of ideas and taught me to think for myself. Really, being able to figure out something for yourself (especially in terms of morals and values) is much more valuable than being told any specific X or Y. And kids pick up much more from what their adults do than what they say.

[Tastes of Chocolate]

I'm not answering the poll, because 'hit' is abuse. I was spanked as a kid (last time I was 16 - and I deserved it). I turned out fine - I have good self esteem, I like my parents, I don't do risky behaviours. Admittedly, I was a stubborn child.

I'm not answering the poll for the same reason. I was spanked a few times, up to maybe age 10. They were spankings, not abuse. They were not adminstered in anger. They weren't even the "spanked until you hurt" level. They were a way to shock me into rethinking what I had done repeatedly.

I'd much rather be swatted on a clothed butt with an open hand, instead of being screamed at or verbally abused.

[cherry]

My dad hit us often with his hands, fly swatter whatever he could get a hold of. I tried to intervene when he beat the shit out of my sisters and would get even more. I turned out okay but I need years of therapy to get over it. It has changed who I am and how I relate to men. My husband doesn't even know I was hit or abused as a child. I don't talk that much to dad anymore but I'm nice to him when I visit. My mom was abused by him and after many years of various assaults she called 911 and he was charged. I think that has kept him in check from now on I hope. One of my last assaults was when I was in university I was at home and he was angry over something and broke a plastic chair over my head.

[not what you'd expect]

My father used a belt on me three times. Bad enough to leave welts, but it was on my butt. I think he got my leg once when I moved.

One time was for skipping school and the other two times were for behavior that he feared indicated I might be experimenting sexually with other girls. He was wrong. He didn't yell or even speak while he hit me, that I recall. Then he would send my step mom in to put salve on me and make me come out to the family room to watch TV or listen to him play guitar and sing. He would sing funny songs trying to get me to laugh. That just made me more mad. Especially if he succeeded!

I think I turned out OK.

[PandaBear77]

I was spanked a few times - I think with open hand, I don't remember. PandaKid has been spanked a few times (open hand).

I think I turned out ok and so far she isn't twitchy.

[rhubarbarin]

I'm not sure what the definition of 'turned out well' is. I chose that I did in the poll though, because I like who I am, and my mom spanked/hit/slapped/flicked my lip hard enough to make it swell, almost every day, usually multiple times per day, for as long as I can remember until my late teens.

I don't have a relationship with my mother because her physical and emotional abuse combined with emotional distance (and the depression and anxiety that caused in me), killed all the love I might have had for her as a child. But ever since leaving her house, I'm generally 'okay' and have been supporting myself since age 18. However I'm an ambition-less person, and I wonder sometimes if I would have turned out differently/more motivated if I hadn't been so miserable as a kid that I gave up on life enough to be diagnosed with 'failure to thrive' age 8...

I've sworn to myself since I was a child myself that I would never think it was okay to hit, scream at, or humiliate my own children, and I've always wanted a family. Unlike my mom, I don't have a temper to speak of (my anger is certainly there, it's just deliberate and cold), I'm very in touch with my emotions and am a source of emotional support for all my friends, and I get along very easily with my SO, so I'm not worried about perpetuating the cycle of abuse.

[Bam Boo Gut]

I remember running out into the street to avoid my dad hitting me, I must have been around nine or ten and that was the last time he tried it. It was always a slap to the upper thigh from either mum or dad - nothing like a beating, but I just decided enough was enough. There was other abuse from my dad that's surely affected how I've turned out.

I'm presently helping a friend with her kids, a sort of intervention thing on a small scale. They are lovely lovely kids, but do absolutely nothing around the house willingly. Their father says he's taken enough blows for his children and grandchildren and to his immense credit has never lifted a finger to any of them. I really admire him, it's a loving gesture and he's broken the mold. However he has no frame of reference for getting them to do anything, it would be either what he knew ..... tied to a tree and whipped with electrical wire or ..... what? Like he has a void there of how to treat them. And so it's nothing. :D The kids are so infuriatingly lazy that I've wanted to slap them upside the head a few times.

They do what he asks them, but ignore their mother, so now I come in on a Saturday and they bloody well listen to me because I just keep droning on and on and on :D

[Becky2844]

I was spanked as whatever adult in charge deemed appropriate, generally for repeated deliberate misbehavior and with multiple warnings. Nobody feels the least bit bad about those. Mom lost her shit and slapped me once or twice and threw a coffee cup at my head once, though I think she was actually aiming at my brother. Those incidents bother her a lot more than they bother me; she felt and still feels absolutely horrible about them, and I shrugged them off almost immediately. Especially the coffee cup--my brother was (and likely still is) an incredibly frustrating person to live with and I frequently wanted to bludgeon him myself.

Near as I can tell, I turned out fine. A little curmudgeonly and obstructively cynical, maybe, but that's a function of the people outside my family. No smoking, no drug use, no inappropriate drinking, no promiscuity or history of violence, no apparent mental health issues, no difficulties maintaining personal relationships.

One time my mother, younger brother and I were going into town. My brother had been mouthing off all day. We walked out the driveway and got into the truck, Momma at the wheel, then me, then little bro next to the window, him still compaining and carping. After a few miles Momma suddenly reached around and slapped me right square across the face. "What'd you do that for?" I asked, rubbing my jaw. She said, "I couldn't reach him."
That was Momma; mean...and funny.

[azraiel]

This thread has dredged up a long-forgotten memory. I think I was spanked on occasion when I was very young, but I don't have any specific recollections.

The dredged memory is what I think was the last time I was spanked. I couldn't have been more than five, maybe six. I had done something wrong (and I knew it), and was sent to my room to await punishment. After what seemed an excruciatingly long time, my dad came up to my room. My memory tells me that he sat and spoke with me about my transgression, taking time to explain the reasoning behind the rule and the punishment I was going to receive. Then he had me assume the position, and gave me some number of swats between one and five. I really have no idea.

You know the cliche "this hurts me more than it hurts you"? I've always believed it, because I can remember how sad my dad was when this happened. I had a sting that lasted a few seconds, while he looked like he'd--well, like he'd just hurt his child.

FWIW, my dad may be the gentlest man I've ever known. I've seen his temper explode once, maybe twice in my life--and only under extreme provocation. And when I say "his temper explode", I mean red-faced, angry, and shouting. Never hitting.

That was the last spanking I received, and I remember feeling so bad that I had put my dad in the position where he'd had to do that.

So I don't know where that puts me in the poll. I was spanked when very young. I've turned out very well, thank you. My dad was and is one of the sweetest and kindest men I've ever known. I've never doubted once his absolute and total love and devotion to me.

And to close the circle, I've spanked both my daughters. The criteria were absolute--the only transgression meriting spanking was lying. Correction was only administered with a cool head, and never in anger. Swats were equal to the offenders age. Swats were not administered past age 6--logic, discussion, timeout, and grounding were used after that age.

[Tamerlane]

Apparently I got a swat on the hand once for willfully and gleefully up-rooting a houseplant out of its container after being told to let it alone. This would have been pre-kindergarten and I don't remember it at all.

Otherwise I was never physically disciplined in any fashion ( nor was I ever threatened with it ) and within reasonable definitions of "fine", I think I turned out fine ;).

[FlyByNight512]

My brothers and I got spanked every once in a while, when we deserved it, by a calm parent after they made sure we were clear on we'd done wrong. It hardly hurt, the embarrassment of being punished was far worse. (Yeah, we were easy kids.) I seem to recall being given the choice between a spanking or a time out and choosing the spanking just to get it over with. I don't think we were ever spanked after age six or seven.

My little brother once came up to me after a spanking with a big grin on his face and announced that he'd gotten his spanking with a BELT. He'd apparently learned that some parents administer spankings with a belt rather than with a hand (our parents never had) and specifically requested it that time. I in my infinite wisdom of being two years older informed him that he was missing the point.

What actually hurt was Dad's bullying later on. He thought it was funny to order us to bend over (when we'd done nothing wrong), with a big grin on his face, implying that he was going to spank us. When we eventually complied, he'd smack his hand to make us jump, or just let us back up and inform us how glad he was that we were such compliant children. I still hate him for that, along with many other things. (He was an addict. You fill in the rest of the story.) We've all turned out okay anyway, with some work.

[monstro]

I don't remember getting whupped. I know that I did get whupped on at least one occasion, but I don't remember the actual punishment. Just the lead-up to it.

But I saw it happening to my siblings. And the threat was ever-present.

Did I turn out alright? Well, I am functional. So are all my siblings. We are all employed and have never gotten in trouble with the law. We're all upstanding citizens, and we still respect our parents and visit them. Are we all pitchers of mental health? Well, no. My older sister and I have some issues, and my brother has dealt with his demons too. I do not think the beatings caused them, though. For my sister and me, I think we've got a genetic legacy that would have been expressed regardless of how our parents had raised us.

I don't think the beatings helped, though. When I look back on my childhood, I remember happy times, of course. But I also remember a curtain of fear dropping on me whenever my father would come home from work, because it often meant being dealing with a scary grizzly bear with an unpredictable temper. So in a sense, it was the anger that was more problematic than any resulting violence--the anger was much more frequent, for one thing. Spending your formative years being afraid of eliciting an emotional reaction from your father is simply not good.

[Slithy Tove]

Often/turned out badly.

Legacy of bad relationships in adulthood. My wife beat on our daughter when I wasn't around to run interfence. One night after the cops took her mom away for beating her with a belt, Angela was sitting in the living room crying, saying "I don't have a very nice life."

The part of me that won reacted to this by thinking "Jesus Christ, to be talking like that at six years old!" and doing my best to get her to bed knowing that somebody loved her. But God help me, another part of me, from how I had be treated, had the impulse to yell at her to stop feeling sorry for herself and quit begging for attention, and get the fuck to bed. Scares the shit out of me how easy it would have been to go that way.

[azraiel]

My wife beat on our daughter...

Please please please tell me you meant to type "ex-wife".

[olivesmarch4th]

I think we've got a genetic legacy that would have been expressed regardless of how our parents had raised us.
I just wanted to point out this is very true for me as well. I did have severe PTSD as a result of how I was raised, but I was probably more susceptible to it than the average person, having a pretty screwy genetic inheritance. After successful treatment of the trauma I still suffer severe chronic depression and anxiety - and my psychiatrist and psychologist are both in general agreement that baby, I was born that way.


The part of me that won reacted to this by thinking "Jesus Christ, to be talking like that at six years old!" and doing my best to get her to bed knowing that somebody loved her. But God help me, another part of me, from how I had be treated, had the impulse to yell at her to stop feeling sorry for herself and quit begging for attention, and get the fuck to bed. Scares the shit out of me how easy it would have been to go that way.
Bless you, Slithy Tove.

[Farmer Jane]

I was spanked. My mother - the spoon. My dad - a paddle just like this one (http://www.flickr.com/photos/crayolarabbit/859849586/). My stepmom also used the paddle. We called it "Woody".

Once I got the Woody because I left a comb on the floor when my room was supposed to be spotless. It was stick between the carpet and the wall and it was a small black comb. Barely visible. I got whacked for that. Another time I got it because I was apparently being immature at a restaurant (news to me) and my stepmom lost it, calling me all kinds of names. I was black and blue from the small of my back down my rear to the back of my knees. I thought for sure she'd get arrested, but nope. My mom didn't call the police; she had a mutual friend mediate.

They stopped hitting me after that, for the most part. The stepmom got mad and threatened to hit me once during a family vacation and I told her I'd hit her back. My dad freaked out and tried to hit me when I was sixteen, but my stepmom...in a weird rush of something...intervened and screamed at him to stop.

I was also forced to wear dresses, couldn't talk on the phone, couldn't go outside, didn't have TV for years, couldn't read books unless it was a Bible (because books are all about sex, you know) and was once subjected to a Baptist-style prayer fest by his church because I took up recycling at twelve. Apparently that is the stuff of the devil (eg, liberals). Time with my mother was all I could look forward to so I didn't jump out of the window.

Oh, and they didn't feed me. They were rich but there was rarely food in the house and my stepmom wouldn't give me lunch money ("go pack a lunch"), so my teacher had to share hers on the weeks I was at "Dad's house".

I (am) turned (-ing) out OK, but it was a long friggin journey. I spent the most of my adult life hating myself for a variety of reasons. I'm 26 now. I have a gorgeous son and great students and I'm not too shabby looking. I try to spoil the little guy within reason, but I am short-tempered sometimes. I yell. I don't want to, I don't mean to, but I get extremely frustrated when he's not paying attention or does something dumb for the 2408028420th time. I always feel bad afterwards and I'm sure he'll be on the Internet some day talking about his mom with the mouth.

Oh, and if you were wondering (though doubt you were), my dad and I are now (relatively, considering his personality) close.

My brother is not so great and he hates me. I think he thinks me to be the favorite child or something. I don't know. He hates that I talk to our dad and that I'm not mean to him. He never finished college or anything. He's kind of stuck working at a car dealership.

I do know that I took many a 'whuppin' for him and I'd do it again.

[Qin Shi Huangdi]

I put "never" because I don't count being very rarely and very mildly (practically painlessly) smacked as really consistent corporal punishment.

[The Surb]

Yes. I can't watch that video.

[Silver Tyger]

Another possibility is that those with "difficult" kids are more likely to spank, and that "difficult" kids are more likely to grow up with problems.

I don't think so. According to my mom, I was difficult the second I was born (she just corrected that to 'you were difficult BEFORE you were born, but I don't think that's fair to hold against you'). I don't have any real problems, except maybe laziness.

I think spanking was okay 20 years ago. It's not okay now. Abusive parents won't care one way or another. Spanking is not inherently abusive, as long as it causes no permanent damage, is done as punishment and not because the parent is angry, and is done in appropriate amounts. That said, there are other punishments, and I still don't recommend it these days.

They were a way to shock me into rethinking what I had done repeatedly.

Yes, this.

[faithfool]

I can't answer the poll due to the fact that I'm on my phone, but I'd choose the often/turned out badly option.

I was "spanked" similarly to the girl in the video, just by my mom instead of my dad. A belt and a switch, on a unclothed butt (sometimes upper legs), was usually the norm. In addition, I was pinched regularly and was slapped at least twice that I remember. Few of these things were ever deserved, as I was a good (never drank, smoked, did drugs, didn't lose my virginity until 24, etc.) kid, albeit absolutely continually terrified.

The last whuppin' I got was when I was 13. My mother threatened though, until I moved out at 20. She was also extremely emotionally abusive and did things like promise to abandon me to an orphan's home when I was little.

I'm 43 now and have had mental problems since I had my first nervous breakdown at 28. I don't ever want to disappoint people, so I rarely stand up for myself. All my relationships are co-dependent. I don't function to well in general and I attribute most of that to my mother's poor parenting and abuse.

Finally, I'm another one who chose not to have children. Not so much because I was afraid of perpetuating the cycle, but instead because I feared not being strong enough to oppose my mother and any harm she might try to inflict upon my hypothetical children. I just couldn't take that chance.

[faithfool]

Oh, and further, my mother was indeed out-of-control angry anytime she hit me. There was no reasoned response, ever.

I doubt she ever reacted that way because she wanted to help me grow up into a contributing member of society, but because she didn't want any negative opinions of her regarding her should-be compliant daughter.

Heaven forbid if she wasn't seen as the strict disciplinarian who by God took no guff.

[Kobal2]

No.
Worst event I can remember from my childhood was that time I was flung bodily into a cold bathtub*, clothes and all because for some reason or another, I didn't want to take the bath my mum had poured for me earlier.
I'm pretty sure I must have been a cunt that day, because neither of my parents have ever done anything like this before, or since. Their sin was absenteeism, not overdoingitism.

* Not cold "filled with ice cubes and we ran the cold faucet" cold , mind you. Cold "this bath was warm 4 hours ago, but it's autumn and the window is open" cold.

[delphica]

I picked "rarely" but honest to goodness I don't remember if I was spanked (swatted with a open hand on the tush) or if it's more that I remember it as a possibility. It seems like it could have happened, but I don't recall a particular incident. I remember my brother getting spanked a handful of times (fewer than 10), he was the kind of kid who couldn't remember to adjust his behavior to not touch the hot stove, not run out into the street, etc, without the stark reinforcement of a spanking. It was always after other methods didn't get results, and certainly stopped by age 5 or so.

Both of us turned out quite well, thanks for asking.

[FlyByNight512]

I just wanted to point out this is very true for me as well. I did have severe PTSD as a result of how I was raised, but I was probably more susceptible to it than the average person, having a pretty screwy genetic inheritance. After successful treatment of the trauma I still suffer severe chronic depression and anxiety - and my psychiatrist and psychologist are both in general agreement that baby, I was born that way.

It makes logical sense that families with a genetic tendency toward mental illness will have an above-average rate of child neglect and abuse. I thank God every day for modern pharmacology, it's probably doing more to stop abuse cycles than anything else.


I'm curious - is there anyone here who was spanked lightly, infrequently, by a calm parent and when they earned it who feels that it did them more harm than good? So far there seems to be a very clear distinction in this thread between spanking that fits the above description and inappropriate punishment.

[mac_bolan00]

my worst experience was with my peers and sibblings. i answered the last two (not really sure if i'm well or bad.) i've forgiven my parents but not my sibblings.

[TriPolar]

Yes. Often enough. I turned out quite well in many ways. But I've never been quite right.

[ProbablyProcrastinating]

I'm so sorry to hear about all the pain the survivors of abuse have gone through. :(

I don't think all hitting is abuse, per se, but certainly many of the posts on here describe abuse.

I wasn't hit by my mother. May have been by my father, but they divorced very early. I have a good relationship with my mom and I am happy to say that even in the roughest times I've been able to give myself a time-out from parenting my own kids so it didn't get to that. I think it was in part due to the fact that I knew how hard it was for my mom and how she managed to respect our basic human rights through it all.

We are all, my cousins and sibling, productive members of society, in spite of the fact that we are working-class and middle-class (no privilege to break the law here), mostly not white, and not spanked or hit.

[Infovore]

I got spanked as a kid, but not that often. I was mostly a goody two shoes and didn't often break rules. When I did get spanked it was almost always with open hand to clothed butt. The exceptions were the small number of times I "got the belt" (always from my dad, always on clothed butt) but those were only for the worst infractions. My mom tried to hit me with a paddle once, but I put my arm back to block it and got a big bruise on it, which made her feel so bad she never used it again.

I turned out fine.

[CanvasShoes]

There needs to be an option between rarely and often, but I chose the latter. And yes, spanking, not beating.

This. It was more than rarely, less than often. And for the most part, there was an age drop off point. My parents were big on {{{{shudder}}}}} the (gasp!) lecture instead. I don't remember either of us getting spanked at all past the age of 10. And only for certain infractions, usually fighting with each other, or doing something we knew DARNED well would end badly (angrily pounding on opposite sides of a flimsy camper window while having a bitchfest got us BOTH a blistering :D).

There were rules to spankings. It was usually 3-5 smacks. Any weapon in sight for mom (wooden spoon, race car track), and for dad? It was "the belt" or a switch we had to go pick ourselves.

There was NO beating. This was a fair swat across the soft tissue of the buttocks and lower thighs. As I said, we'd secretly hope for a spanking. My dad was a great orator, he could go on for HOURS and have you confessing to the Kennedy assassination, who ate the last banana, where Hoffa is buried....etc. They all started the same...Now you girls need to get a good education, education is the fundamental tool in life (dad thought that unless you graduated from Harvard with a perfect gpa, you were destined to sell fries and marry the garbage man :D)

We used to tease him "no daddy no, please just beat us like other dads".

[scootergirl]

I was hit with a wooden spoon on a bare bottom by my step-mother when I was between the age of 6 and 9. Let's see....it was for reasons like not finishing my food, getting less than an excellent grade on a test, not cleaning my room to her expectations. You know, fucked up reasons like that. She is the only adult that hit me when I was kid. My dad left her when I was nine and I went to live with my aunt and grandmother in Perú for a year while he got his life back in order. I'm not bitter (anymore) because despite of this and other things that I experienced as a kid, I turned out to be a pretty level headed adult, a good parent, friend and giving partner. I must say though, that wooden spoons are not my favorite kitchen tools to look at. I remember changing for gym one day and my friend asking me what the oval shaped bruises were on my bottom. "I fell down," was my answer, of course.

[AlienVessels]

I got spanked fairly often with a belt, at or above the level in that video. Since I was the oldest and the rule was that if anyone screwed up, everyone (3 siblings) would get it, I got the first round.

IMO the key to coming out of it ok is figuring out why the parent(s) do it. Once you realize at 12 you're more mature and reasoned than they are, it's just something you grit your teeth through and move on.

I've never been married (50 something now) and all my siblings have gone through bad marriages.

We can even laugh about the times we were punished by being tied up with clothesline and having our mouths taped shut.

Corporal punishment is just about the most idiotic discipline method in the vast majority of cases I can think of.

[Claude Remains]

Voted "Often, and I turned out quite well". Myself and or one of my step brothers would get the belt every singe day. With a warning, so that the old man had time for a brewski or two before he'd march us down to the basement. Cant tell you all how many times I lost control of my bladder and pissed all over myself while getting that fucking belt from head to toe.

[flodnak]

I was spanked with a paddle. I think I turned out okay, but I also think I would have turned out at least as okay without the spankings. Therefore I didn't answer the poll.

I remember some of the spankings. I can't remember a single thing I was spanked for.

[HazelNutCoffee]

My parents used corporal punishment but never in excess, although my brother told me that Dad slapped him a few times when no one else was home. I was never hit across the face. Usually we were hit with a stick on our palms or the backs of our legs. No lasting damage done.

I endures far more severe punishment at school in Korea, but so did everyone else.

[Dung Beetle]

Yes. I can't watch that video.

Nor I. As I said upthread, my brother was the one who got beatings, not me. I was the one who vomited just from having to listen to it.

[RyJae]

I was paddled in school, and paddled again for the offense at home, paddled with a paddle in both cases. I love my dad and he never did it out of control, he was softer on my ass than the principal.

[Annie-Xmas]

My mother beat the crap out of me. Her favorite punishment was stomping on my feet. All the bones in my toes have been broken many times, and never have been set. I have very ugly feet.

She told people the bruises came because "I was so clumsy." Since people saw I walked funny, they believed her.

I abhor violence and do not trust people.

[TokyoBayer]

"Hit" does not do justice to what was done in our house (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=437352).Tiny children don’t learn the meaning of terror by a chance encounter in a dictionary. But the meaning, if not the word, can be learned by being picked up by the hair, shaken with such violence that the scalp rips and leaves scabs and scars. Not reaching the ground, limbs fly, but not under their accord. Only the fatigue of arms tired of swinging children by their hair would still the blinding fury and quiet the burning rage possessing the man. Anger sated, one last fling discards the child against the nearest hard object – a desk or the wall.Then there was the sexual abuse, the rapes, the emotional abuse. And having to be told, as a 12 or 13 year-old, by my father about the sexual abuse he did to my sisters. In detail. For some reason, that was harder to deal with then when I was raped.

It wasn't just the physical abuse. It was the blind fury as my father would completely lose it and would be completely out of control.

One of the hardest things to deal with it was the entire randomness of it. This poor girl got that beating for a defined activity, we would abused to a level where just a tiny bit more could have killed one of us and for stupid things, like giving my father the wrong spoon as a six-year-old.

I've gotten lucky and found a specialist on trauma recovery, and she said there is a word which describes what I endured starting as a toddler and not finishing until high school; "torture." And she had dealt with people who were tortured as adults.

As others say, though, the emotional abuse also causes a life-time of hurt. The brainwashing, the humiliations, the deliberate traps to catch and destroy your soul.

And my mother checking out of life. Her suicide attempts, being spaced out on Valium from when I was 9 or so, being so emotional fragile that we, as small children had to protect her emotional state by not telling her any of our problems.

In an act of faith, and after a good decade of working on things, I've got a two of most wonderful kids in the world. For some reason, I exist on a different plane when I deal with them. Now when my toddler accidentally knocks of her glass of milk, not only do I not kick her hard enough to cause bloody stools (as reported from my mom said, I would have been the same age, 3, so I don't remember), but clumsiness in the Tokyo household is not a punishable offense.

I work with my daughter on understanding her emotions and being comfortable with them. I wonder if she will ever understand how many years of therapy it took for me to even begin to feel emotions as expressing any, from happiness to sadness, let alone fear or anger would have exposed oneself to that demon who terrorized the family.

Did I turn out OK or not? I donno. Some days I think so, others not.

My kids love with me, and are doing really, really well, so that part I'm doing OK, I think. I've studying scores of books on what parenting should be to make up for a lack of a role model.

I hold down a job, so I'm going better than 40% of the siblings. I graduated from a university, so that's further than 60%. I save money so that's better than 80%.

But I still struggle with depression at times. The debilitating anxiety attacks are now a thing of the past and medication helps control the insomnia.

My therapist thinks I'm doing fantastic, but I don't know if I will ever feel it. It may be possible to become truly happy at some point, but my more practical goal is to create the healthiest environment I can for my children.

[FlyByNight512]

My parents were big on {{{{shudder}}}}} the (gasp!) lecture instead. [...] My dad was a great orator, he could go on for HOURS and have you confessing to the Kennedy assassination, who ate the last banana, where Hoffa is buried....etc. [...] We used to tease him "no daddy no, please just beat us like other dads".

That made me giggle a bit. I think I remember being given a choice between a time out and a spanking, and choosing the spanking. I much preferred to get the punishment over with and go back to playing. I would have chosen a spanking over a lecture far into my teens if I'd been given a choice!

TokyoPlayer, I'm so sorry to hear what you went through. I'm glad you're living a normal life and raising your kids well, that is a tremendous act of courage. I hope you find peace.

[ProbablyProcrastinating]

We used to tease him "no daddy no, please just beat us like other dads".

We used to beg my mom for a slap across the face and get it over with. I think that's when she realized passive-aggressive guilt tripping lectures were working.

[not what you'd expect]

"Hit" does not do justice to what was done in our house (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=437352).Then there was the sexual abuse, the rapes, the emotional abuse. And having to be told, as a 12 or 13 year-old, by my father about the sexual abuse he did to my sisters. In detail. For some reason, that was harder to deal with then when I was raped.

It wasn't just the physical abuse. It was the blind fury as my father would completely lose it and would be completely out of control.

One of the hardest things to deal with it was the entire randomness of it. This poor girl got that beating for a defined activity, we would abused to a level where just a tiny bit more could have killed one of us and for stupid things, like giving my father the wrong spoon as a six-year-old.

I've gotten lucky and found a specialist on trauma recovery, and she said there is a word which describes what I endured starting as a toddler and not finishing until high school; "torture." And she had dealt with people who were tortured as adults.

As others say, though, the emotional abuse also causes a life-time of hurt. The brainwashing, the humiliations, the deliberate traps to catch and destroy your soul.

And my mother checking out of life. Her suicide attempts, being spaced out on Valium from when I was 9 or so, being so emotional fragile that we, as small children had to protect her emotional state by not telling her any of our problems.

In an act of faith, and after a good decade of working on things, I've got a two of most wonderful kids in the world. For some reason, I exist on a different plane when I deal with them. Now when my toddler accidentally knocks of her glass of milk, not only do I not kick her hard enough to cause bloody stools (as reported from my mom said, I would have been the same age, 3, so I don't remember), but clumsiness in the Tokyo household is not a punishable offense.

I work with my daughter on understanding her emotions and being comfortable with them. I wonder if she will ever understand how many years of therapy it took for me to even begin to feel emotions as expressing any, from happiness to sadness, let alone fear or anger would have exposed oneself to that demon who terrorized the family.

Did I turn out OK or not? I donno. Some days I think so, others not.

My kids love with me, and are doing really, really well, so that part I'm doing OK, I think. I've studying scores of books on what parenting should be to make up for a lack of a role model.

I hold down a job, so I'm going better than 40% of the siblings. I graduated from a university, so that's further than 60%. I save money so that's better than 80%.

But I still struggle with depression at times. The debilitating anxiety attacks are now a thing of the past and medication helps control the insomnia.

My therapist thinks I'm doing fantastic, but I don't know if I will ever feel it. It may be possible to become truly happy at some point, but my more practical goal is to create the healthiest environment I can for my children.


This is awful. I'm so glad you are doing well.

[kushiel]

Voted never and turned out okay.

I don't know how my parents did it, but The Look or Saying of the Name instantly turned us into little angels. I think my brother and I still have a hangup about disappointing our authority figures.

[gwendee]

There needs to be an option between rarely and often, but I chose the latter. And yes, spanking, not beating.

I'd say "regularly" rather than rarely or often.

Spanked, not hit.

As far as how I turned out? I'm well behaved.

[TruCelt]

Yes. By "Turned out badly" (very poor choice of words BTW) I mean "Required therapy and many years of healing to reach what I consider a "normal" level of confidence and self-esteem. I ahve always had very high ethical and honesty standards. Much higher than those of my parents.

[ProbablyProcrastinating]

Yup. I got spanked sometimes, but neither "rarely" nor "often" would describe the frequency. My parents are old school. They spanked as punishment, and everyone's fine. I'm not like a lot of folks here, and don't think all hitting = abuse. I was never pinched, slapped, cursed at, belittled, or hit with any object besides my mother's belt. We all were spanked when we misbehaved, then were sent to our rooms without further chit chat.

I don't think anyone in this thread has actually suggested that simple spanking is abuse. When done by a parent who is in control (angry, sure, but not raging), over clothes, with a hand or very small item like a wooden spoon, a limited number of times, it is still hitting but few would say it's abuse.

It's just that most people on here seem to have experienced something quite different to that.

Funny how the spanked is "MeanOldLady" and the unspanked is "ProbablyProcrastinating". We are probably both in the middle somewhere but if you look at some of the user names, it speaks to how they perceive / portray themselves (even in jest... I'm assuming yours is mostly in jest, mine less so, but still).

[Inner Stickler]

I have one vague memory of my mom making a swat at my butt as encouragement to head to my room for a timeout but that's it. I was certainly never pulled across anyone's knee or whacked with belts or wooden spoons. No one ever threw me against a wall or smacked my head. My parents never screamed obscenities at me or told me I was worthless. My sister did more physical damage to me than my parents ever did. She actually used to make me bleed. I think I was in high school before I learned that there are people today who use physical force to discipline their children. It still weirds me out.

[Becky2844]

My younger brother and I were so close in age that we thought we were Siamese twins or something, I think. (And were treated as such; "our" name was one long word made up of our combined names.)
We were never spanked. We were beaten. In many different ways, with many different things. We were "in trouble" every single day of our lives. When I think of our childhood---and I still cry about it sometimes---the main word I think of is despair. But in a way, it was so bad that I knew it couldn't be "true." It couldn't be right. And that made me strong.
I've been parenting myself all these many years. Still learning. I say that we weren't raised; we were allowed to live. Adulthood has been a struggle for us, tho my dear brother is now gone. We both married and had kids that we've loved with the joy of a survivor. I can't say that we turned out well, but we refused to give up. And that's something, isn't it?

[Becky2844]

TokyoPlayer.......I'm sorry.......

[TokyoBayer]

TokyoPlayer.......I'm sorry.......Me too, and I'm so sorry that you lost your brother.

For anyone interested, I've started an Ask the father who was abused as a child (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=630357). I'm just starting being a daddy and would welcome any insights for people who have been a parent for longer.

[nashiitashii]

A few times when I was little, but not enough to hurt: it was mostly to startle me. They stopped by the time I got into kindergarten.
Yup. I got spanked sometimes, but neither "rarely" nor "often" would describe the frequency. My parents are old school. They spanked as punishment, and everyone's fine. I'm not like a lot of folks here, and don't think all hitting = abuse. I was never pinched, slapped, cursed at, belittled, or hit with any object besides my mother's belt. We all were spanked when we misbehaved, then were sent to our rooms without further chit chat.
I don't know how my parents did it, but The Look or Saying of the Name instantly turned us into little angels. I think my brother and I still have a hangup about disappointing our authority figures.
I can relate to all three of these. The only time I ever remember being hit was when I was in high school and couldn't give an answer for why my teacher had to call home to inform my mom that I wasn't doing my homework. I had no good excuse, but the teacher I had at the time considered it to be "homework not done" if I didn't have one problem completed. :rolleyes: My dad mentioned that he had to lightly spank me a couple of times, but that it was a lot easier to embarrass me out of bad behavior (temper tantrums) than involve corporal punishment. Apparently when I was little (two or three years old), I decided to throw a temper tantrum while at home of the "laying on the floor and thrashing about" variety. My dad laid down on the floor next to me and imitated me exactly, and I turn in his direction and gave him the "are you fucking serious?!?" look. After a quick comment of "this is why we don't tolerate that kind of behavior", I more or less stopped having temper tantrums.

My mom was fond of The Look, and it was really effective because of her general serious looking demeanor; even when I was in college, I would have friends who, after meeting my mom for the first time, would comment that she was a little scary. Honestly, she was as goofy and fun as I was, but a combination of facial features and a cultural tendency toward formality with strangers was what caused that sort of reaction. Up until she died, I feared no entity the way I feared my mother's disapproval, and these days, I am still working on not tiptoeing around my bosses in the same manner.

My dad, on the other hand, was the lecturer. It wasn't a "you were bad, and this is why we don't do this" method, but a "here's the grand theory of the universe, and eventually we'll talk about why we don't do this" lecture. I'd get them sometimes even when I wasn't misbehaving as a "heads up" way of talking about serious subjects... like the Monday morning drive to my high school after my first Real Date With a Boy, where he dropped me off at the mall, then came to get me three or four hours later. I think somewhere in there he managed to mention "being safe" and I got the hint that he wanted to make sure I was either using condoms or on the pill so I didn't get pregnant. :o None of us kids were planned pregnancies, and he (and my mom) wanted to make sure that we didn't end up in that situation before we were ready to be parents. Nonetheless, all of us kids were loved and treated pretty fairly by our parents, IMO.

[eclectic wench]

Rarely - the occasional spanking, a few swats on the (clothed) arse with an open hand, always when we'd really been pushing it. I think I only remember it actually hurting once; usually, the force came from the realisation that 'OMG, I've really crossed the line this time.'

I think we both turned out pretty well. I definitely don't feel traumatised or anything.

We've never used any kind of physical punishment with Widget, so far, but my husband once gave his nephew a couple of swats on the arse, when the kid was about five and had run out into the road (after being specifically told not to, too). It was partly out of terror-adrenaline and partly out of the urge to show him that this was way, WAY worse than stuff like being cheeky or playing with food. I wouldn't rule out spanking Widget in a similar situation, if she'd done something really dangerous.

TokyoPlayer, I'm so sorry, and I'm in awe of how far away from that you've come.

[Bam Boo Gut]

What I find so incredibly chilling is how social services, neighbours, friends, teachers .... anyone .... doesn't get to find out and do something about abuse mentioned in this thread.

[Noodles Fellicini]

Can't pick a clear poll answer -- the belt and paddle beatings caused welts but the long term damage was the inability to process the visceral fear reaction. I'm guessing some of my issues come from that, and some from being told repeatedly I wasn't good enough. My answer is somewhere around "possibly beaten slightly more often than the majority but definitely not as bad as some and turned out okay but probably could have been happier" although I am quite functional, responsible and respectful.

I appreciate these threads and the honesty of the people sharing their experiences. My heart goes out to everyone who has had a tough time trusting the people who were supposed to care for them.

[flatlined]

I ran away and lived in a car for almost a year. It sucked. I thought that it was normal for my bosses to use me in the back room. The main thing that scared me was that my cat was hungry. Fred would snuggle next to me and purr. Fred didn't care that I had to feed him bits of dollar menu food. Fred just loved me.

Now, Bill is worried about touching me. The first time he touched me with love I cried. Now he's afraid to touch me unless we are in bed. Which has happened 4 times.

FML

[gonzomax]

My dad gave me a bad spanking once . it was because he had a bad sense of humor.
I was about 4 and my 5 year old brother had a great idea, according to him. It was April Fools day and my brother suggested he would go in and tell my dad I got hit by a car. I would hide in the bushes and when he came out the door, i would jump up and yell April Fool. So we did it.
My dad came running out the door and I yelled April Fool. The look on his face told me It was not such a good idea after all. He grabbed me and started spanking me. As he grabbed me I saw my brother run out the back door and head for a friends house. When he got home my dad had calmed down.
No sense of humor.

[rhubarbarin]

What I find so incredibly chilling is how social services, neighbours, friends, teachers .... anyone .... doesn't get to find out and do something about abuse mentioned in this thread.

If a child isn't being starved, raped, beaten black and blue, or otherwise has concrete physical signs of abuses, there's unfortunately little any outsider can do to protect them from emotionally or physically abusive parents. And even if the above is happening, it can be so well-hidden...

My neighbor who used to live next door was abusing her daughter from the time the girl wasn't even walking until they moved away when she was two. This bitch would scream at her baby all day long, and throw/bang things around the apartment - I honestly don't know if she was hitting her, but the baby never appeared to be injured. She would scream as if she was being hurt, and cry hysterically while her mom raged, though. This mostly happened during the day when her father (who clearly doted on his daughter - I never saw his wife touch the child when the father was around, she was always in his arms) was at work, but when he was home his wife was often screaming at him instead. I said something to him about it once, but he didn't speak much English and I don't know if he understood what I was trying to tell him.

Their apartment was immaculate, the baby was healthy and clean and well-dressed. Calling CPS in this case would have done little but disrupt their family (and I am not sure they were legal immigrants - what if the father got deported, for instance?). I still worry about what that little girl's life is going to be like.

[Crowbar of Irony +3]

I define 'hit' as anything that causes physical pain, such as spanking with cane or pinching, plus any threat of bodily pain.

In fact, my mum's nagging and paranoid ranting have a more of an effect on me than those things. I wish there is an option for "Rarely, but I still don't turn out well due to other reasons".

[Annie-Xmas]

The absolutely worst thing about my mother's "punishments" was that everything was my fault. EVERYTHING! My sister fell downstairs. "It's your fault. Why weren't you watching her?" I once got beaten because my sister lost a 20 dollar bill while she was alone on the street (I know you stole it before she left).

Back then, hitting your kid was not seen as such a big deal. I was always bruised as a child, but my teachers did nothing about it.

[madmonk28]

I put often and that I turned out quite badly, but I need to explain: I grew up in a violent house. The beating that the judge in Texas dished out that is currently on You Tube would not be out of place in my house. I was a mess in high school, got out of that house when I was 18 and by my late 20s, I was living a life that I like, but step one was to get the hell away from the crazy.

[Stendhal Syndrome]

I was born and raised in India. My father was a physically and verbally abusive man. I did get hit quite a bit but the emotional/verbal abuse affected me and my self esteem much more. When I was 16 I asked him to stop physically abusing me and I threatened to call the police if he continued (I doubt law enforcement would have done anything). He did stop hitting me but the emotional abuse continued. I am 32 now and I decided to stop talking to him or have any contact with him around 4 years ago. It was easier since he lives in India and I live in the US. I don't have any specific plans about reconnecting with him at the moment or have conversations that involve "forgiveness". Part of me will always dislike him for what he did to me.

I was fucked up and fucked off for a year or two during my teenage years, mostly because of the situation at home and my father. I failed a few college courses and had to re-take exams...hung out with the drug abusing crowd, but never got into drugs myself. Nothing too bad really. But I also remember being attracted to men who were assholes like my father at that age. I saw a therapist for three years and that helped a lot. Looking at my life now, I think I turned out ok. I have doctoral degree in clinical psychology, a stable job, married to a good man who thinks the world of me, and baby #2 on the way....:)

[BigT]

I'm not sure how to vote. It was pretty common before I was 10, being the punishment I got if being told what to do before I was born. After that, it basically dropped off, as it became clear that it was no longer effective.

And then can I really determine whether I turned out well? I'm extremely ethical, that's for sure. I never partied, never got into legal trouble, avoided illicit substances, never had unprotected sex, etc. Heck, I never even hated my parents. All of these things are what are typically evaluated when determining if a discipline method worked.

But I can't really say I'm a productive citizen. I just don't think it had anything to do with how I was parented.

[El Burro Buenmozo]

----slight hijack warning ---

Annie-Xmas-

You reminded me of a crazy "everything is your fault" story involving my brother and this hyper agressive lop eared rabbit we had when I was 15 or so and my brother was 2. This obnoxious beast (the rabbit, not my brother) used to tear around the backyard, nipping people's ankles or peeing on them. No lie- I never knew rabbits could be so mean until this refuge from a Monty Python movie came into our lives. My dad was working in the garage where the rabbit was kept, and for some reason, he let it out into the yard. Meanwhile, my brother was sitting on our gated back porch. My dad warned me, don't let my brother out into the yard because the rabbit might hurt him.

No shit, dad. I'm not the insane, rage filled, sadist in this family.

Anyway, he calls me to help him with his project in the garage and I join him there. One of my other brothers exits the back porch, leaving the gate unlocked, and the 2 year old goes out into the yard after him. The next thing I know, he's crying, having been nipped on the ankle while I was in the garage with my dad. Somehow this was my fault, and I got slapped around the yard for several minutes until the next door neighboor stuck his head out his window. (Thanks Mr. Cosme!) All the time my dad is saying " I told you not to let him into the yard!"

Fun times.

-----End of hijack-----

[olivesmarch4th]

Meanwhile, my brother was sitting on our gated back porch. My dad warned me, don't let my brother out into the yard because the rabbit might hurt him.

<snip>

Somehow this was my fault, and I got slapped around the yard for several minutes until the next door neighboor stuck his head out his window.
Og as my witness, I will never understand this level of cognitive dissonance in abusive parents.

[MeanOldLady]

I don't think anyone in this thread has actually suggested that simple spanking is abuse. When done by a parent who is in control (angry, sure, but not raging), over clothes, with a hand or very small item like a wooden spoon, a limited number of times, it is still hitting but few would say it's abuse.Dude, we've had something in the area of one trillion spanking threads here, and there are no shortage of folks in these parts who think spanking of any kind is physical abuse.

Funny how the spanked is "MeanOldLady" and the unspanked is "ProbablyProcrastinating". We are probably both in the middle somewhere but if you look at some of the user names, it speaks to how they perceive / portray themselves (even in jest... I'm assuming yours is mostly in jest, mine less so, but still).Yeah, mine is just a user name, and it doesn't have anything to do with how I am or with being spanked. But maybe your apparent lack of discipline means your parents should have whacked you a little more? Hmm?

;) Here goes an emoticon so that no one gets their feelings hurt.

[olivesmarch4th]

;) Here goes an emoticon so that no one gets their feelings hurt.
Aha! You're not so mean after all! What other lies have you sold us?