Teacher and students bullying my son in school. Need advice ASAP.

[Lancia]

My son is six years old, and in the first grade. Over the past month my wife and I have noticed a slight change in his behavior when he discusses school. He went to a preschool for two years, kindergarten and now is in gradeschool. He has always been thrilled with the thought of going to school and has always returned happy and ready to go the next day.

Not anymore. He talks about school rarely, and when he does we have to bring the subject up. He still seems to enjoy it, bit the enthusiasm is fading. This may be normal, but I'm guessing not, and here is why.

His gradeschool has a discipline system based on "minors" and "referrals". Minors are what we called a "note home to your parents" when I was in gradeschool. It is a pre-printed form where the teacher gives a brief description of the rule violation and the punishment given. The punishment is either sitting on a time-out instead of recess or going go a ersatz detention (sort of a study hall) instead of recess.

The referral is the new PC way of saying 'being sent to the principal's office'. The punishment is usually the same, with the addition of a talking-to by the principal.

My son has recieved three minors and one referral since school began. Two of the minors were for throwing stuff on the playground. Being punished for that is fine by me.

The referral was for acting out "video game violence on the playground", which I though was bullshit. His teacher admitted he didn't hit anybody, wasn't being mean or trying hurt someone. We don't have a video game system, and when I talked to him he said his friend wanted to act out 'Halo'.

Last week he came home with a minor because he was in art class and , per the note, 'used his finger to wipe glue on another student' WTF? These are BOYS, gradeschool boys at that. Christ.

My son tells me today the teacher has been making him sit at the very back of the class, because she told him he was talking too much and if he was at the back of the class he wouldn't be around anyone (this is his story. I know for a fact he has been sitting at the back of the class; I assumed it was a one-time thing.) He said he told his teacher he would be quiet in class, but that was two weeks ago and she has yet to allow him to return to his normal seat.

My son then tells me that a kid punched him in the chest during recess. He said the bell rang immediately after so he waited to tell his teacher instead of the playground monitor. He tells me that his teacher told him he should have told the playground monitor, and sent him back fo his seat.

I don't know what to do. We put a lot of effort into being able to get him to that school because it has a good reputation as a clean, friendly place with a good academic record. Now I feel like I'm ready to snap. I don't want to pull him out of that school; in fact I can't see how that's even possible with the schedule my wife and I have. All I know is my son is getting bullied by both his teacher and other students. It needs to stop, and now. The school's motto is "be safe, responsible and respectful". They sure are doing a shitty job of setting an example. My son also has some minor physical disabilities, and while it's not obvious, I'm always worried that other kids may pick up on it and start teasing him.

Has anyone on the boards dealt with a similar situation? Am I overreacting here?

[jz78817]

My son has recieved three minors and one referral since school began. Two of the minors were for throwing stuff on the playground. Being punished for that is fine by me.

throwing what, where? punished why?

The referral was for acting out "video game violence on the playground", which I though was bullshit. His teacher admitted he didn't hit anybody, wasn't being mean or trying hurt someone. We don't have a video game system, and when I talked to him he said his friend wanted to act out 'Halo'.

Last week he came home with a minor because he was in art class and , per the note, 'used his finger to wipe glue on another student' WTF? These are BOYS, gradeschool boys at that. Christ.

cripes, I went to a Catholic grade school and it took more than that to get written up. sounds like that school is run by a bunch of officious fucks.

[Farmer Jane]

It sounds like they are very hard on discipline. I don't see outright bullying by teachers, though.

[Oakminster]

Bullying does not mean what you seem to think it does. There may or may not be issues with the discipline system at that school, but your child is not being bullied.

[Praline]

I would schedule a conference with his teacher. Often, any concerns I have are resolved after meeting with the teacher. I'd start with stating your concern about his desk being separated from the group.
Also, for my kids, the transition to grade school has been huge. No more naps, reduced playtime, and, much to their chagrin, more desk based work. Your son may still be adjusting to the changes, and, may still regain some enthusiasm for school.
Sometimes, a teacher can be a poor fit for a particular student, and, that makes for a rough year, too.

[Southern Yankee]

One of the frustrating things in these situations is trying to ascertain the facts. It's natural to believe your child (and I'm not implying you shouldn't...) but as the parent of boys who are 9, 5 and 3, I know that it's sometimes difficult to get the whole story from them. I have had experiences with teachers who seemed indifferent and unresponsive to requests for information. In those cases I would speak to the principal. Usually, however, I have found the teachers are happy to discuss the situation and work with the parents. Everyone's situations are different, of course, but I also don't see any bullying based on your description. Maybe some bias or bad teaching.

[Acid Lamp]

This sounds more like adjustment issues then bullying. Schedule a proper conference with the teacher and possibly the principal. Explain your concerns and get them to explain to you their discipline system so that you understand fully what is going on.

[Sparky812]

As a fellow parent of a first grader, you may be a little oversensitive, but I would schedule a meeting with the teacher and principal to discuss your son's behaviour and how you can work together to modify it.
From the incidents you describe, there seems a pattern of behaviour, twice he was throwing things (presumably at someone), he was "playfighting", and he smeared glue on another student. These could all be considered physical violations on other students.
There also may be a bullying issue if all these incidents involve the same student. It may be mutual or there could be another child telling his parents that some kid keeps throwing rocks at him, beat him up "Halo" style, then smeared glue on him.
Talk to your son about how he feels about school, peers, etc.. and then communicate this with his teacher and principal who can modify their own treatment to help him adapt.
Do not go into the school to challenge the teacher and principal and/or the system, instead express your concerns about how often he has been disciplined and if there is anything you should do at home to help.

[Living Well Is Best Revenge]

I am sick of the word "bully."

[Rushgeekgirl]

Does he have an IEP concerning his physical disabilities? Are they serious enough to warrant one? If so, a meeting is in order. I've had to call two this year already. My first grader went from absolutely loving school last year to begging not to go because the other kids were picking on her. She has mild autism and she's the only one in the class with support classes and therapists, plus she's slightly delayed in speech and behavior. Kids mock any differences around first grade it seems, and you have the additional stress of a change in the academic atmosphere.

[ZipperJJ]

I am sick of the word "bully."

Yeah, what are you gonna do about it? Go run home and tell your mommy?

[Ashes, Ashes]

I second and third the suggestions for a parent conference. It shows you're involved, trying to be fair, all sorts of good things.

Write out your concerns so you're clear and can let off a little steam. Communicate as you would wish to be treated (stay away from things that would make someone defensive, for example).

Generally try for a light tone for clearing up an innocent misunderstanding. If that doesn't work, go up the next step.

[Foxy40]

I would schedule a conference with his teacher. Often, any concerns I have are resolved after meeting with the teacher. I'd start with stating your concern about his desk being separated from the group.
Also, for my kids, the transition to grade school has been huge. No more naps, reduced playtime, and, much to their chagrin, more desk based work. Your son may still be adjusting to the changes, and, may still regain some enthusiasm for school.
Sometimes, a teacher can be a poor fit for a particular student, and, that makes for a rough year, too.


Right. I find it odd that this wasn't done. Why is this poster taking the word of his six year old child without hearing the situation directly from the teacher's mouth? It must suck to be a teacher when so often parents automatically assume you are to blame when their precious snowflakes are in trouble.

[Justin_Bailey]

From the incidents you describe, there seems a pattern of behaviour, twice he was throwing things (presumably at someone), he was "playfighting", and he smeared glue on another student. These could all be considered physical violations on other students. There also may be a bullying issue if all these incidents involve the same student. It may be mutual or there could be another child telling his parents that some kid keeps throwing rocks at him, beat him up "Halo" style, then smeared glue on him.

This. I know you want your kid to be the victim in this scenario, but there's a very real possibility that he's the "bully." Until you talk to the teacher, there's no way to know for sure.

[Labrador Deceiver]

Right. I find it odd that this wasn't done. Why is this poster taking the word of his six year old child without hearing the situation directly from the teacher's mouth? It must suck to be a teacher when so often parents automatically assume you are to blame when their precious snowflakes are in trouble.

Oh, for fuck's sake. Can we please have a discussion about someone's children without using the tired-ass term "precious snowflake"?

The OP is trying to be a decent parent, and is asking for help regarding concerns s/he has about a son. Quit insulting people.

[C3]

I agree with others - time to schedule a conference with the teacher. From the OP, it sounds to me like your child is having some discipline issues and some reinforcement from you about proper behavior at school might be in order. Except for the kid hitting your child, I don't see any bullying, and from the other things you listed that your child has done, it wouldn't surprise me if the hitting was in self defense.

And this....
Last week he came home with a minor because he was in art class and , per the note, 'used his finger to wipe glue on another student' WTF? These are BOYS, gradeschool boys at that. Christ.

...bugs the crap out of me. I have two elementary age boys. There is zero chance I would let them think this is acceptable behavior. Boys or not, they need to learn to respect other people, pay attention in class, and stay on task. Kids make mistakes - boys and girls - but saying that it's okay because "boys will be boys" is BS.

[Enderw24]

Yeah, what are you gonna do about it? Go run home and tell your mommy?

If your child's being bullied by the teacher, what you need to do is tell your kid that the teacher is more afraid of him than he is of the her. Then he needs to hit her. Just once. You show you can stand up to your bully and she'll back down and not bother your kid again.

This advice brought to you by Methheads of America for legalized LSD. I'm Ender and I approved this message.

[Manda JO]

For good or for ill, elementary-aged kids are famous for being completely different at school than at home: many is the parent who has been amazed to hear their kid described as "helpful" or "polite" or "talkative" or "quiet" or whatever. It might be worth your time to go observe the class, or recess.

[Lancia]

I spoke with his teacher this morning before class began. The story he told me regarding yesterday's playground incident doesn't jive with what she told me, so we will definitely be scheduling a parent teacher conference.

I'm well aware that most kids can be little shits at times, and most parents automatically take the side of their kids without even trying to get more information. Let me reiterate what I posted in my OP, but apparently was either missed or ignored by some: my son does not seem to enjoy school the way he used to. We've been sending him to some form of school for four years now in am attempt to get him used to being around other kids, and hoping he would'nt feel like an outcast when he enterd public school (and yes, he has an IEP). He has always enjoyed school. Now, not so much. He is fine at home, bit what was once apparently a highlight of his day is now something he doesn't particularly enjoy. Maybe that's just part of the process. I know I despised school to the point my parents pulled me out, but that's not normal. Something is going on.

I will also add that he is a fairly "wimpy" kid, at least by gradeschool standards. The idea of him being the bully or the instigator of these incidents is rather unlikely. If he is, then I want to know why, because that is very much out of character.

[Lancia]

I agree with others - time to schedule a conference with the teacher. From the OP, it sounds to me like your child is having some discipline issues and some reinforcement from you about proper behavior at school might be in order. Except for the kid hitting your child, I don't see any bullying, and from the other things you listed that your child has done, it wouldn't surprise me if the hitting was in self defense.

And this....


...bugs the crap out of me. I have two elementary age boys. There is zero chance I would let them think this is acceptable behavior. Boys or not, they need to learn to respect other people, pay attention in class, and stay on task. Kids make mistakes - boys and girls - but saying that it's okay because "boys will be boys" is BS.

There is a significant difference between 'playing' and 'being a jerk'. Two boys playing in art class, while admittedly not appropriate behavior, necessitates not a formal letter home to the parents, something that needs to be signed, returned and put in theor file. The teacher needs to remind them to stay on task, perhaps separate them. The note home was overkill. Formal punishment is ridiculous.

[Foxy40]

Oh, for fuck's sake. Can we please have a discussion about someone's children without using the tired-ass term "precious snowflake"?

The OP is trying to be a decent parent, and is asking for help regarding concerns s/he has about a son. Quit insulting people.


First of all, I insulted no one. It was a general statement not towards the OP. And second, a "decent" parent doesn't need to be told by strangers to go talk to the teacher before he claims unfairness and bullying. A decent parent works with the team of educators to solve a problem immediately and doesn't automatically assign blame anywhere but towards his/her own child.

[perfectparanoia]

I will also add that he is a fairly "wimpy" kid, at least by gradeschool standards. The idea of him being the bully or the instigator of these incidents is rather unlikely. If he is, then I want to know why, because that is very much out of character.

I think someone upthread alluded to it but kids can be quite different at school than at home. You just never know.

Also, it is possible that he was perceived as 'wimpy' by the other students on day one and has taken an offensive approach to the problem.

[Manda JO]

There is a significant difference between 'playing' and 'being a jerk'.

It's actually a really fine line, and if your son is having a little trouble negotiating it, it could explain a lot. There's a lot of nuances in little boy society, and it's easy to send the wrong signals: a boy sees an interaction between two kids and imitates it with a different person or with a twist and doesn't realize it changes something from funny to jerk-ish. This is especially common when little boys see something happen that everyone thinks is funny, so they assume that if they do the same sort of thing, only a little more, it'll be even funnier. They think they are going to get a big laugh just like Johnny got yesterday and instead everyone pulls away. It's confusing and inexplicable.

You then get this terrible cycle where the boy is sad because he feels like people dislike him for no reason he can understand, and so he tries even harder to be likable and continues to miss the mark, making him feel more confused, disliked, and miserable, so he tries even harder, is ever more outrageous. Eventually he starts getting labeled as a "bad kid" and gives in and embraces the label.

I guess what I am trying to say is that it's a lot more complicated than either he's being a "little shit" or he's the victim of bullying.

ETA: kids are often ashamed of being disliked, so they are hesitant to talk about it.

[Bob Ducca]

I will also add that he is a fairly "wimpy" kid, at least by gradeschool standards. The idea of him being the bully or the instigator of these incidents is rather unlikely. If he is, then I want to know why, because that is very much out of character.

My son is a "wimpy" kid but we had issues with him bullying when he was around your son's age. It was mostly (we think) due to his ADHD issues and having poor impulse control. It didn't last much past 1st or 2nd grade.

[Lancia]

<snip> A decent parent works with the team of educators to solve a problem immediately and doesn't automatically assign blame anywhere but towards his/her own child.

I sincerely hope this sentence doesn't mean what it sounds like.

Are you advocating that parents immediately blame their own children for problems encountered at school, and only shift the blame to others after a full inquiry?

In other words, if a kid is having problems at school,it is automatically that kids' fault?!

[Kaio]

As written I'm not seeing how the discipline meted out so far is disproportionate to the problem behavior that warranted it. The minor offenses get a minor punishment, something more severe gets that plus a chat from the principal, and for both the school takes the time to communicate behavior and discipline issues to the parent. How is this a bad thing? Sure they could rarely or never let you know what's going on with your kid, but last I checked discipline was more effective if it was consistent between home and school, and for that you need to communicate.

If it were true that your kid got physically assaulted and the teacher fobbed responsibility off on someone else, that's a problem. But at this point it sounds like the veracity of that account is in question and needs to be cleared up.

[Vihaga]

Are you advocating that parents immediately blame their own children for problems encountered at school, and only shift the blame to others after a full inquiry?



You're kidding, right? I'm guessing that most parents do assume that if their kid gets in trouble at school for stuff that the kid probably SHOULD get in trouble for (smearing glue on other kids, talking during class, acting out violent stuff), then maybe the kid is acting out a bit rather than being the victim of systematic bullying by the institution.

It's by far the simplest explanation. After all, even with the "sitting in the back of class" thing, your kid said he told the teacher he'd be quiet, but you make no mention of whether he actually did stop talking. He doesn't have the right to disrupt the other kids as much as he wants with no consequences.

The only part of your OP that doesn't sound like your kid is the problem is the chest punching incident.

/edit: Your kid seems to be "causing" rather than "having" problems at school. There is a difference.

[DiosaBellissima]

Nothing in the OP reflects any bullying whatsoever. And perhaps it's just the ex teacher--type-person in me, but I'm a bit horrified that you're saying that the teacher is actually bullying your son for correcting his bad behavior.

As others have said, this system actually seems relatively fair: minor offenses receive minor fixes (notes home, time outs, etc.) and more major things are handled by being spoken to by the principal. Nothing there seems out of line.

[Ferret Herder]

It's actually a really fine line, and if your son is having a little trouble negotiating it, it could explain a lot. There's a lot of nuances in little boy society, and it's easy to send the wrong signals: a boy sees an interaction between two kids and imitates it with a different person or with a twist and doesn't realize it changes something from funny to jerk-ish. This is especially common when little boys see something happen that everyone thinks is funny, so they assume that if they do the same sort of thing, only a little more, it'll be even funnier. They think they are going to get a big laugh just like Johnny got yesterday and instead everyone pulls away. It's confusing and inexplicable.
Yup. I still remember when I was maybe 5 years old and saw kids splashing each other by stomping their feet as they walked through a dirty slush puddle that was in front of the door to school. It looked like fun, so I stomped too. The dirty slush splashed all over the white tights of another little girl, and she started sobbing. I felt terrible. :( The teacher, rightly so, chastized me for what I'd done, even though I was just a little kid and other kids were doing it too.

I wasn't a bully, I was just thoughtless sometimes and was also a meek kid. Doesn't mean I couldn't do something that required correction.

[Labrador Deceiver]

First of all, I insulted no one. It was a general statement not towards the OP. And second, a "decent" parent doesn't need to be told by strangers to go talk to the teacher before he claims unfairness and bullying. A decent parent works with the team of educators to solve a problem immediately and doesn't automatically assign blame anywhere but towards his/her own child.

Are you serious? This person is a bad parent because of the way he or she is thinking about handling this one situation? That's what you're going to go with?

[Butterscotch]

I'm glad you are going in to talk to the teacher. As others have mentioned, the change from Kindergarten to first grade is huge and can be overwhelming.
Also, by this time of year children are extremely tired and getting excited about Christmas, it's a bad combination and the last couple of weeks of school can be intense.

One thing you might like to ask at the meeting is how your son initiates interaction with his peers. Some children feel awkward or shy, or haven't the social skills to go up to others and ask them to play, so they poke, or throw things etc as a way of opening up a dialogue.

[overlyverbose]

I'm glad the OP is scheduling a conference with the teacher. If it makes you feel any better (and it probably won't, but still...), I felt our son's teachers were being overly punitive when he first started kindergarten at the public school this year.

During the first week I got two calls. Over the course of two months, I got multiple notes home and a couple of calls. And, of course, we scheduled a meeting with the teacher and the school counselor to discuss our son's issues.

It was awful. And sometimes I do think that the teacher was being overly punitive about discipline. However, keep in mind that your kid's teacher is teaching 20+ kids at the same time, and the playground monitors are watching sometimes 40 kids at the same time. I don't generally advocate for conformity, but the younger the kids are, the more important it is in discipline in school.

When I talked with the teacher and expressed my concerns, she said, "I'm not trying to nickel and dime you or your son with discipline. I want your child to be successful while he's at school. To be successful, he has to follow the exact same rules as everyone else or he short changes himself and all the other students around him."

All you can really do is what you're doing now - meet with the teachers, support your child. Also, see what you can do to support your child's teachers. You shouldn't be adversaries in this situation. When you talk to your child's teachers, approach it not from, "My son said you aren't doing your job," but from an angle where you're working together to make your kid successful.

Oh, and I don't know your situation other than what you've told us, but when I talked to my son's teacher about a couple of girls calling him stupid (it was during a parent-teacher conference), she said that kids generally give as good as they get. When I questioned my son about it afterward, he admitted that the girls had called him stupid after he called them stinky. I'm not saying he deserved it, but I sure wasn't getting the whole story from the beginning.

[boozilu]

. . . If it makes you feel any better (and it probably won't, but still...), I felt our son's teachers were being overly punitive when he first started kindergarten at the public school this year. . . .

However, keep in mind that your kid's teacher is teaching 20+ kids at the same time, and the playground monitors are watching sometimes 40 kids at the same time. I don't generally advocate for conformity, but the younger the kids are, the more important it is in discipline in school.

This.

My son had similar issues, and when we spoke with the teacher she told her it's very important that
1. If someone is "mean" to my son (verbally or physically), he should walk away or tell an adult rather than retaliate.
2. They try very hard to get kids to keep their hands to themselves and respect each other's personal space. Something that's not a big deal in kindergarten or first grade can become a very big issue in later years if it's not nipped in the bud.

FWIW, we instituted a system where instead of his allowance, we reward him 50c when he doesn't get in trouble and fine him 50c when he does.

Good Luck!

[TheUthaBrutha]

I think the use of the word bully was unfortunate, but the OP is correct to assess the judgment of the teacher.

As I said on another thread, too often once a child is labeled as a troublemaker he'll get a quick judgment laid on him, right or wrong. And kids aren't stupid, they soon realize they can start it, blame this troublemaker and he'll get in trouble regardless.

Once you get a handle like that, especially early on, it's hard, though not impossible to live it down.

As for being wimpy that is meaningless because it's relevant. You're kid may be wimpy but I will bet there are still a lot of kids even wimpier. Often a picked on kid will just, turn the tables on a kid even meeker than he or she is.

Yeah I get the kids will be kids, but that doesn't mean you can't have them try to be nice to each other, and it also doesn't mean you have to overreact either.

I give the OP credit, as I'd rather see a parent care too much, then where I grew up, where most of the parents couldn't care at all

[handsomeharry]

That 'acting out video violence' or whatever, makes me think your teacher is a bit of a nutcase.

hh

[carnut]

Definitely talk to the teacher and the principal. I don't think the teacher is bullying your son (thought the kid who hit him might be) but teachers are human and they have favorites and kids they dislike, just as you do. Sometimes they need to be shown that they are not being fair-minded.

FWIW, I was not on my first-grade teacher's "good" list and she made it known is subtle ways that hurt me a lot. As an adult, I can understand why I wasn't ever going to make that list (major allergy issues, only kid who hadn't attended kindergarten and therefore couldn't recite the alphabet, painfully shy). But her behavior not only made me feel inferior, but gave me a bad taste for adults that lasted a long time.

[Left Hand of Dorkness]

That 'acting out video violence' or whatever, makes me think your teacher is a bit of a nutcase.
John, Bill, and Jack* were bored, so they decided to play Diablo. Jack was Diablo, and the others were chasing him. I stopped the game, reminded them of playground rules re: rough behavior, and then set them free to play. They were running all over the playground. Jenny came up to ask me a question, so I was talking to her for a minute, and when I looked up, Bill was on the ground, and Jack was pounding on him.

Turned out that Bill had gotten too enthusiastic in the Diablo-fighting, and Jack had freaked out, and instead of finding me, had knocked Bill down.

Whee!

I still allow such play, within limits and after much clearer conversations about what problems can arise and what to do to de-escalate if the play starts to get out of hand. But I totally understand teachers that don't allow it.

That said, here are my questions regarding discipline:
1) Did the kid do something he shouldn't have done?
2) If so, is the discipline appropriate to the offense?
3) If so, where's the problem?

In your descriptions, I think the discipline is appropriate. RE: the glue incident, I wonder whether he'd been off-task all art period, and the glue-smear was the crowning moment that made for an easy note home to mom. RE: sitting in the back of the room, I'd check to find out whether he can get a behavior plan that helps him escape from the chair o' punishment.

And if I were you, I'd arrange to have him at the conference, and every time the teacher describes his misbehavior, call him over and chew him out in front of the teacher. I've had parents do this before, and it sends a very clear message to their kid: mom and teacher are in this together, and don't think you can spin stories for me.

If he's not enjoying school now, there's a good chance that it's in large part due to his own misbehavior. If he can get himself back on track to the point that he feels proud of how he's acting, school will become much more pleasant for him and for everyone else.


* Names changed to protect the guilty.

[Lancia]

Thank you all for the replies. I spoke to his teacher, and, put simply, I think they both deserve some blame. My son overreacted to a minor slight, and the teacher overreacted to that. Hopefully, all is well now.

I would also like to add, just FYI, that I am the father, not the mother.

[Left Hand of Dorkness]

I would also like to add, just FYI, that I am the father, not the mother.

:smack: Sorry about that.

[Elza B]

Thank you all for the replies. I spoke to his teacher, and, put simply, I think they both deserve some blame. My son overreacted to a minor slight, and the teacher overreacted to that. Hopefully, all is well now.

I would also like to add, just FYI, that I am the father, not the mother.

I'm glad you got a chance to talk to his teacher and that all seems better. In reading your initial post, it did sound like the teacher may have overreacted at points, but with kids this age, it's difficult to tell (mine is a year younger).

I can chime in on his lack of enthusiasm, though - is this his first year in full-day school? My son started kindergarten this year, and although he's gone to daycare full-time since he was an infant, including great preschool and Pre-K programs at his last daycare, starting kindergarten (ours is full-day) has exhausted him like nothing else. We put him on the bus at 7:40 AM and he is picked up at the bus stop by his babysitter or one of us at 3:20 PM. It's rare that he's not completely out by 8 PM. I *know* he loves school and is thriving, but you'd never guess it at night when he's exhausted because he doesn't want to talk about anything he did.

I volunteer once a week with his class' reading groups, and have been there at other times during the day to help out, so I see him having a great time, and I know how much they do. His teacher is an older, no-nonsense type, so we weren't quite sure how he'd do with her, but as we've gotten to know her, we really like her - she *is* strict, but she's also fair and really seems to love her job and the kids. She DOES discipline them, though, and just from observing when I volunteer, she's very straightforward about what kind of behavior she expects - the kids know the rules and I've never seen her penalize a kid for no reason.

My son's come home with three notes this year so far (they have boards - green, yellow, and red - and if they end up on the red board, it's a note home), and to be totally honest, as soon as I see why the note was sent home (usually for interrupting, not staying in his seat, not practicing self-control ;)), it's pretty obvious that he earned the note. Hell, his first note was for hitting another kid with his lunchbox in the cafeteria :o , so I'm kinda just happy that the second and third notes were for talking out of turn and not staying in his seat. (He's not a hitter, so the lunchbox thing was a little surprising - pretty sure he and the other kid were goofing around and got a little rough.) I do want to hear his side of the story when he gets in trouble, but I also know that his infractions are indicative of his personality (also, he tattles on himself if he gets on the yellow board, which is no note or parent notification, so the kid just sucks at lying :D). On the plus side, he got the first two notes within the first month of school, and then went almost three months without another one (got it last week), so his behavior really improved and I suspect last week's note was related to the 'last week of school before winter break' behavior that a lot of the kids seemed to exhibit. He still lost a couple of privileges, but we hadn't had to take those away since September. I think it's helped that we've had more of a chance to get to know his teacher, and if I have a minor question or concern, I can just email her and she'll reply in a day or two.

It sounds like you're opening up the lines of communication with your son's teacher, so I really hope he starts enjoying school more. I have no doubt that there are truly heinous teachers out there (my third-grade teacher HATED me, and I can still remember asking my parents why she was so mean to me because I was a quiet kid who rarely got in trouble - reconnecting with some of my school friends as an adult, she is notorious as the most hated teacher we ever had), but I do think they're few and far between, and your son's teacher doesn't sound at all like she even comes close. Hopefully, you and your wife will be able to communicate on a positive level with her for the rest of the year.