My wife is mad because I was a jerk - in her dream

[Skammer]

Last night my wife dreamt that instead of helping her get the kids ready for me to take them to school, I just went out to the car and listened to the radio. So she was irritated with me all morning, even though (as always) I did help the kids get ready. I even ironed my son's shirt!

Anyone else ever get their SO's cold shoulder for an imagined offense?

[Wolverine]

When she first wakes up? Sure, but never all morning. She's usually grateful that it isn't true.

[Philster]

Yes! Can last up to a few hours.

Years later, don't be surprised when she recalls it as a legit event.

[Revtim]

My mom did that to my Dad. She would have a dream that he cheated on her, and she'd stay pissed at him for hours.

I never noticed it myself at the time, but my Mom admitted this to me recently.

[Skammer]

My mom did that to my Dad. She would have a dream that he cheated on her, and she'd stay pissed at him for hours.

I never noticed it myself at the time, but my Mom admitted this to me recently.
My wife has done this to; although last time she dreamed that I was cheating on her she dreamed that she called the other woman and explained that it was just a big misunderstanding and cleared it all up. :p

[Little Nemo]

The usual explanation is that if she wasn't irritated with you for some real world issue, she wouldn't be having dreams about you doing something that irritates her. So the irritation she's directing at you over the dream issue is really the irritation she's feeling over the real world issue, even if she's not conscious of what the source of that real world irritation is.

[lieu]

Bwhaaa... that's the first time in awhile an OP title has caused me to laugh out loud, but it did.

Yeah, two things; as mentioned there may well be some underlying cause that needs to be addressed. But then sometimes men are from Mars, and women, well, someplace else entirely.

[Skammer]

The usual explanation is that if she wasn't irritated with you for some real world issue, she wouldn't be having dreams about you doing something that irritates her. So the irritation she's directing at you over the dream issue is really the irritation she's feeling over the real world issue, even if she's not conscious of what the source of that real world irritation is. It is about the time of month when it becomes difficult not irritate her... but she doesn't have to make up reasons, I'm sure she can find things I actually do to get mad about. :D

[spanna]

Yes

Thank God I'm not alone - I thought it was only me :D

[robardin]

The usual explanation is that if she wasn't irritated with you for some real world issue, she wouldn't be having dreams about you doing something that irritates her. So the irritation she's directing at you over the dream issue is really the irritation she's feeling over the real world issue, even if she's not conscious of what the source of that real world irritation is.

That's right. I mean, if you're not accountable for the actions of dream-you on real-her, who is? SOMEONE clearly is, and it's just as clearly not her, that would be blaming the victim, yeah? And dream-you is based on real-you.

Unless you believe in demons or evil spirits of the night, which is just fuzzy thinking.

[Candyman74]

Isn't that a Friends episode?

[Chefguy]

You were a jerk in her dream, so she acts like a jerk in real life. Seems fair to me.

[Crown Prince of Irony]

This happened once - my wife was pissed at me all day, and I had no clue why. Finally, after we got the kids to bed, I got her to open up, and apparently she had an awful dream where I had been a complete jerk, and amongst other things, had cheated on her.

And I, being a little miffed that this was all over a dream, replied: "Well, now is as good a time as any... we need to talk."

Of course, I've never cheated on her at all, and she could tell from my tone that I was joking, but that didn't stop her from punching my arm as hard as she could. I had a well-deserved bruise for a week.

[jem~]

My husband has pissed me off a few times as a result of how he treated me in my dreams...

First words of the morning:

me: I'm so mad at you!!!

him: What did I do now?

[Chimera]

My psycho ex-wife pulled that crap on me a couple of times, accompanied by not talking to me for the entire day because of how "mean" I was to her in the dream, and of course, (insert more insanity here).

You're going to have to talk to her about this at a time when she's not angry with you for imagined offenses.

"Honey, I would really hope that you would realize that it isn't actually ME in your dreams being a dick and that you wouldn't be punishing me for something that I didn't actually do."

If it persists, I recommend you both go to some therapy where a professional can advise her how destructive that is.

[RedBloom]

I went through a period of time (2-3 months) where I was having dreams constantly about my hubs cheating on me. I'd tell him about them and he'd roll his eyes and tell me I was crazy, that would never happen.

The dreams stopped shortly after I found out he really *was*.

[Tom Tildrum]

I have dumped my wife abruptly a couple of times, in her dreams.

I hate having to hear about this. Last time she complained about this to me, I responded, "Look, I don't tell you about all the times where I've dreamed that I dumped you!" Problem solved.

[BlinkingDuck]

Last night my wife dreamt that instead of helping her get the kids ready for me to take them to school, I just went out to the car and listened to the radio. So she was irritated with me all morning, even though (as always) I did help the kids get ready. I even ironed my son's shirt!

Anyone else ever get their SO's cold shoulder for an imagined offense?

Yes! I even posted it on here. There were many responses :D

[Chessic Sense]

The usual explanation is that if she wasn't irritated with you for some real world issue, she wouldn't be having dreams about you doing something that irritates her. So the irritation she's directing at you over the dream issue is really the irritation she's feeling over the real world issue, even if she's not conscious of what the source of that real world irritation is.

Even if that were true, which I doubt, it doesn't mean that the wife deserves to be pissed about the supposed slight. What if the "offense" is that the guy tried to talk to her when she was tired, or didn't put the forks in the dishwasher the way she wanted it to be done? Even with those irritations at the conscious level, you'd be right to tell her to shut up and deal.


I don't put up with that dream-guilt bullshit, personally. If someone wants to be such a weak person that they let their gut rule their brain, then that's on them. I'm not going to whip up an apology because you can't be bothered to get a hold of yourself.

[Rachellelogram]

Yeah, sometimes I "feel" mad at people for the stuff that happens in my dreams. But I realize that the human brain can be a wacky thing, and these feelings aren't at all rational. Eventually it passes, and hopefully nobody is any the wiser. I might tell someone about the dream if they were in it, but not in an accusatory manner. Claiming your dream-actions are a legitimate reason for her to be upset with you would be very, very silly on her part.

[Skammer]

My psycho ex-wife pulled that crap on me a couple of times, accompanied by not talking to me for the entire day because of how "mean" I was to her in the dream, and of course, (insert more insanity here).

You're going to have to talk to her about this at a time when she's not angry with you for imagined offenses.

"Honey, I would really hope that you would realize that it isn't actually ME in your dreams being a dick and that you wouldn't be punishing me for something that I didn't actually do."

If it persists, I recommend you both go to some therapy where a professional can advise her how destructive that is.
Oh, my wife's not really psycho and she realizes she's being irrational. We laugh about it later in the day.

I hate having to hear about this. Last time she complained about this to me, I responded, "Look, I don't tell you about all the times where I've dreamed that I dumped you!" Problem solved. Funny! :D

[lieu]

I keep picturing Laura Petrie sitting up in her single bed first thing in the morning and exclaiming "Oh Rob!"

[Lynn Bodoni]

I've woken up mad at my husband because of some dream. Usually I just tell him to leave me alone for a while, I'm still FEELING mad because of the dream, even though intellectually I know he hasn't done anything wrong in waking life. This time, anyway. ;)

[Cat Whisperer]

Sometimes it does take a little while to shake off the residual feelings of things that happened in dreams, but I don't think I take it out on my husband when "he's" done things in dreams of mine. Usually I wake up and realize it was all just dream stupidness and breathe a sigh of relief.

[Little Nemo]

That's right. I mean, if you're not accountable for the actions of dream-you on real-her, who is? SOMEONE clearly is, and it's just as clearly not her, that would be blaming the victim, yeah? And dream-you is based on real-you.Do you think that real-you should be held accountable for what real-you does?

I don't know the OP and have no idea what he's like. So this is just hypothetical. But a lot of men give themselves too much credit for housework. They're constantly congratulating themselves on how much they're doing while their wives are still quietly doing the majority. (cite (http://www.soc.washington.edu/users/brines/leewaite.pdf) - PDF warning)

Perhaps this situation might be going on here. Husband's thinking "I'm a great guy. I always help get the kids ready for school." Meanwhile wife is thinking, "We both get the kids ready for school. But I'm the one who washes the dishes, does the laundry, mops the floor, takes care of the shopping, and cleans out the litter box. And he expects a medal because he does half the work of getting the kids ready."

It may all be subconscious. She might just be aware that she's a lot busier around the house than her husband is and that feeling provokes a dream about him not doing a household chore. When she wakes up, she realizes rationally that he does get the kids ready and she shouldn't be irritated over that. But she's also going to subconsciously still know that she's doing the majority of housework and she'll feel irritation over that, even if she can't pin down why she's irritated.

[Vihaga]

I've woken up mad at my husband because of some dream. Usually I just tell him to leave me alone for a while, I'm still FEELING mad because of the dream, even though intellectually I know he hasn't done anything wrong in waking life. This time, anyway. ;)


Same here. I don't blame him, and I certainly don't expect him to apologize, but I do let my husband know that I had a dream about X, am still pissed about it, and that it'll take a while to go away. That adrenaline and mental state don't just disappear because they're based on something that isn't real.

[Projammer]

I always figure it balances out against the times we're making out in her dreams and she wants to pick up where we left off. :D

[Chimera]

Same here. I don't blame him, and I certainly don't expect him to apologize, but I do let my husband know that I had a dream about X, am still pissed about it, and that it'll take a while to go away. That adrenaline and mental state don't just disappear because they're based on something that isn't real.

Except that you are unfairly punishing another person for something that happened only in your mind. Instead of nursing your anger, you need to be working on understanding why you dreamt what you did and what it says about what is going on in your own head.

[Vihaga]

Nah. I don't punish him for it; I just go off by myself for a bit. It's not like he's entitled to have me pretend to be cheerful every moment of every day, no matter how I feel.

[Yllaria]

The usual explanation is that if she wasn't irritated with you for some real world issue, she wouldn't be having dreams about you doing something that irritates her. So the irritation she's directing at you over the dream issue is really the irritation she's feeling over the real world issue, even if she's not conscious of what the source of that real world irritation is.

OR she's dreaming about something that she secretly WANTS him to do. That's just as valid an explanation. The point is that the only person in the dream is the dreamer. The dreamer uses all other personas present as sock puppets. For most people, apparently, the dream is only under subconscious control. For some, it's under conscious control (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucid_dream), too.

[JohnT]

Last night my wife dreamt that instead of helping her get the kids ready for me to take them to school, I just went out to the car and listened to the radio. So she was irritated with me all morning, even though (as always) I did help the kids get ready. I even ironed my son's shirt!

Anyone else ever get their SO's cold shoulder for an imagined offense?

Can't recall a specific example, but this has happened before with us as well.

I do remember her telling me "But you were such an asshole! Why?"

Uh... I'm sorry?

[JohnT]

To be fair, it has gone the other way though I seem to recall getting over it a bit more quickly. But then again, I would recall that. ;)

[Chimera]

Not always, but almost always they are just parts of ourself represented by what we think of that person.

A guy I used to think of as being very irresponsible often appeared in my dreams and I came to understand that he represented the irresponsible aspects of me. My older sister is a serious control freak. When she appears, I know the dream is about my desire to control the situation. Just two examples, but there you go.

I know my ex-wife appearing in a dream, as extremely frightening after the fact that it is, clearly represents my desire for a relationship. I would suspect that, barring some other strong emotional association with a spouse, that they would tend to represent that for other people. So if you're dreaming of your spouse doing something dickish, it probably means either that you're unhappy with some aspect of that relationship (which may have it's clues what exactly happened in the dream) or that you're afraid of what happened in the dream happening in real life and you're test driving the situation in your dreams.

[RealityChuck]

I made it clear the first time this came up: I'm not responsible for anything I do in her dreams. And she's not responsible for anything she does in mine.

[KRC]

Do I take the prize? I once dreamed I was arguing with my father and when I woke up I continued the argument by yelling at my (ex) husband.

[faithfool]

I had never heard of this happening until I'd read it on the Dope many, many years ago. So obviously, I've never held my husband responsible (or been mad at him) for anything he's done in my dreams. I'm sorry, but that just seems crazy to me. And trust me, I know from crazy. If I did do that, I just don't know how I could ever justify it to myself. It just wouldn't make any sense. How any of you guys put up with it, I'll never know.

[brocks]

Anyone else ever get their SO's cold shoulder for an imagined offense?

Constantly. And she didn't have to be asleep to imagine it.

She was smoking hot, but divorcing her was the smartest thing I ever did.

[Der Trihs]

Yes! I even posted it on here. There were many responses :D
Found the thread (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=97497); it even has a link to an even older thread (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=92441) on the syndrome. And I think I've seen another thread on it somewhere fairly recently...

[Ashes, Ashes]

Isn't that a Friends episode?

What's freaky is that that episode is playing right now. The one where Phoebe thinks Ross told her he thought she was boring.

The Illuminati are real, and they control the matrix! :eek:

[Dangerosa]

Oh, my wife's not really psycho and she realizes she's being irrational. We laugh about it later in the day.

Yep, but the dream has triggered whatever brain chemistry causes emotions, and the emotions are real - even if the reason isn't. And it takes a bit for all that chemistry to dissipate. Is there anyone who hasn't woken up "on the wrong side of the bed?" This is just a more extreme - and directed - version.

(Why yes, I've done it to my husband, too. And I'll tell you a good way to keep those anger chemicals bubbling is to tell her she is not being rational.)

[not what you'd expect]

It's not just us females that do this. My husband has expressed a little irritation with me after he had a dream that I cheated on him. But it didn't last long and we laughed about it later too.

[Skammer]

I'll admit - and acknoledge to her all the time - that she does way more housework than I do. But she's the one who chose to be a stay-at-home mom. Neither of us would want to switch :).

[don't ask]

My ex-wife once had the shits with me for days because she dreamed that I had fucked her best friend. It was hard to deal with because I really wanted to laugh in her face but at the same time had to pretend that it was a real problem.

[Cheesesteak]

Yes

Thank God I'm not alone - I thought it was only me :DTrue Dat.

I also enjoy telling the Mrs. her beef isn't with Me, it's with "Dream Me". Dream Me has a tendency to be a real jerk, cheating, walking out on her, moving across the country for no reason, cancelling our wedding (he also apparently has a time machine). If anybody shouldn't get sex tonight, it's HIM.


Of course he's probably going to wind up in a threesome with Mila Kunis and a fictional, but extremely hot, neighbor...

I don't like him either.

[Lynn Bodoni]

Yep, but the dream has triggered whatever brain chemistry causes emotions, and the emotions are real - even if the reason isn't. And it takes a bit for all that chemistry to dissipate. Is there anyone who hasn't woken up "on the wrong side of the bed?" This is just a more extreme - and directed - version.

(Why yes, I've done it to my husband, too. And I'll tell you a good way to keep those anger chemicals bubbling is to tell her she is not being rational.) This is exactly why I tell my husband that I'm mad at the dream version of him. Or rather, warn him. I do need some time to let those anger chemicals work their way out of my system.

If I'm going to be pissy to my husband, I figure that it's only fair that it's for something he's actually done. Not something that I imagined that he did. Yeah, sometimes stuff from real life leaks into my dreams, but I've dreamed about all kinds of stuff that never happened. I've dreamed that I was a Martian, and other sorts of extraterrestrials. I've dreamed that I was male. I've dreamed that I was neither male nor female, but some other sex entirely. For the most part, my dreams are just figments of my fevered imagination.

[congodwarf]

Many eons ago, my boyfriend was quitting smoking and was having bad dreams. He dreamed that I had gotten mad at him and shot him (even though I had never held a gun at that point in my life). He went to his mother and complained that I shot him. His mother then poked him in the bullet hole and bitched him out for pissing me off.


He was mad at BOTH of us for the rest of the day. Of course, I suspect it's because we both laughed at him and his mother told him it served him right for pissing dream-me off! :D

[Freudian Slit]

I never understood that reaction. It should be the person who was dreamed about who's angry, if anyone. The person doing the dreaming is the one coming up with the scenario.

Of course, no one should be mad. It's hard to believe anyone could actually get angry because they had a dream. Are the people who legitimately get mad at people just not that bright or what?

[florez]

My partner and I often try to remember our dreams - to share them with one another first thing after waking up, and it is kind of a ritual. But the other morning I woke up dreaming about an old boyfriend, and being on some kind of adventure with him, instead of my significant other. So when I was asked if I remembered my dream, I just said "no" so as not to stir up any weird feelings between us.

[j666]

Your wife is mad at you for something else, that's why she had the dream. In three days in the middle of making dinner together, she will snap at you to not throw knives into the sink and the issue will be resolved.

I never dream about my husband pissing me off. I'm a bitch.

[Zebra]

Tell her that in your dream, you wife said it was ok for you to have sex with that woman from work.

[Becky2844]

I've woke up with murder in my eyes and vengence in my heart.
The only morning words I can manage to my husband are You have no idea what kind of an asshole you can be.
Sure, dreams swirl in your coffee like cream and disapate, but still...
the day goes on. I stuff dirty clothes in the washer, do paperwork, enjoy myself (read, write, whatever....)
Later that evening after pouring a vodka I finally concede Okay. I know you didn't really do it.
But I wouldn't put it past you.
That's the closest I can get to a truce.

[An Gadaí]

Reason #343 not to get married, ever.

[Freudian Slit]

I've woke up with murder in my eyes and vengence in my heart.
The only morning words I can manage to my husband are You have no idea what kind of an asshole you can be.
Sure, dreams swirl in your coffee like cream and disapate, but still...
the day goes on. I stuff dirty clothes in the washer, do paperwork, enjoy myself (read, write, whatever....)
Later that evening after pouring a vodka I finally concede Okay. I know you didn't really do it.
But I wouldn't put it past you.
That's the closest I can get to a truce.

Seriously? But you're the one who HAD the dream. The dream represents hostility/anger on YOUR part.

I just don't understand how someone could stay married to a person who actually gets angry over a dream...it just sounds too much like being married to a five year old.

[Becky2844]

Calling all people with a sense of humor....


At least I haven't left a bruise.

[Maiira]

I've done this once or twice with my boyfriend, though never for an extended period of time. I'll wake up mad at him, and when the not-crazy side of me reminds me that he didn't really do anything, I still can't quite shake the anger...which only makes me angrier, because I'm mad at myself for not being able to let it go!

After I'm fully awake this typically dissipates, though. And I've yet to actually yell at my boyfriend for the things he did in my dreams.