Corrupted Wish

[Inner Stickler]

It's easy; people have played it here before. Take the wish of the poster above you and corrupt it.

I wish I could turn invisible on command.

[runner pat]

You're waiting at the DMV
I command you to be invisible.

I want a custom fitted suit.

[Joey P]

You're waiting at the DMV
I command you to be invisible.

I want a custom fitted suit.

I'll just peel off your skin and use it as a template...perfecto!

I wish I was a little bit taller.

[Balance]

I'll just peel off your skin and use it as a template...perfecto!

I wish I was a little bit taller.
You now have a small drill bit protruding from the top of your skull.

I wish I could dance.

[smiling bandit]

You never mentioned anything about stopping.

I wish I more cheery.

[John DiFool]

You now don the uniform of a high school cheerleader-and are transported to the glee section of your most hated rival.

I wish for a tuna-fish salad sandwich.

[astorian]

I wish for a tuna-fish salad sandwich.


Ewww, I think this tuna sandwich has gone bad... here, taste it.




I wish the Cubs would win the World Series.

[Joey P]

I wish the Cubs would win the World Series.

Okay, but first they're all going to head North and call themselves Brewers. ;)

I wish I could fly.

[TruCelt]

You can fly, and it is glorious. But your hips and ankles are not well-made for landing, and each time you do they wear out a little. You will not know this until you are 55 years old and facing a long painful retirement.

I wish I could run away and live a life of wealth and refinement.

[Left Hand of Dorkness]

I wish I could run away and live a life of wealth and refinement.
The fate reserved for the most pitiable slaves is working in the gold smelting facility.

I wish I didn't have to go to work today.

[Joey P]

I wish I could run away and live a life of wealth and refinement.

I give you wealth but after only one day you find out wealth isn't this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=fvwp&NR=1&v=NBRrCY5uhWY#t=0m43s), it's this. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMyk7MXsseg) The resulting injuries, as you are not a cartoon, prove fatal.

I wish I was a cartoon.

[Frylock]

The fate reserved for the most pitiable slaves is working in the gold smelting facility.

I wish I didn't have to go to work today.

A. You forgot to make a wish.

B. Goddamnit you people are clever.

[Love Rhombus]

The fate reserved for the most pitiable slaves is working in the gold smelting facility.

I wish I didn't have to go to work today.

You don't. You're in prison.

[John DiFool]

LR, need your wish man.

[Inner Stickler]

Nobody corrupted Joey P's desire to be a cartoon. Do that one instead and then make your own wish.

[runner pat]

Nobody corrupted Joey P's desire to be a cartoon. Do that one instead and then make your own wish.

I give you wealth but after only one day you find out wealth isn't this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=fvwp&NR=1&v=NBRrCY5uhWY#t=0m43s), it's this. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMyk7MXsseg) The resulting injuries, as you are not a cartoon, prove fatal.

I wish I was a cartoon.

You're trapped in a piece of digital media and can only perform the same scripted actions forever.

I wish I had new carpeting.

[KinkiNipponTourist]

You're trapped in a piece of digital media and can only perform the same scripted actions forever.

I wish I had new carpeting.

POOF! Too bad the contractors don't speak much English, and tacked that snazzy new Brady-Bunch era olive green geometric pattern ("hides stains!") onto your walls. Enjoy!

I wish my fat cats would let me trim their claws.

[Electric Warrior]

POOF! Too bad the contractors don't speak much English, and tacked that snazzy new Brady-Bunch era olive green geometric pattern ("hides stains!") onto your walls. Enjoy!

I wish my fat cats would let me trim their claws.

Your cats let you trim their claws, because they have become so fat that they can no longer move.

I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life.

[Drain Bead]

You know exactly what you want to do, and that's have sex with small children.

Speaking of, I wish Starving Artist would go away.

[John DiFool]

He does-to all of your other favorite internet boards and hangouts.

I wish I had a perpetual motion machine which would give me free energy for life (and thus take me off the grid).

[KinkiNipponTourist]

He does-to all of your other favorite internet boards and hangouts.

I wish I had a perpetual motion machine which would give me free energy for life (and thus take me off the grid).

POOF! Too bad once you use it to turn anything on, it can't be turned off. Think carefully before using your blender, food processor, automobile, adult toys, lawn mower, etc.

I wish I could organize myself better. Help!

[runner pat]

POOF! Too bad once you use it to turn anything on, it can't be turned off. Think carefully before using your blender, food processor, automobile, adult toys, lawn mower, etc.

I wish I could organize myself better. Help!

You have the world's worst case of OCD.

I wish I had a pancake.

[KinkiNipponTourist]

You have the world's worst case of OCD.

I wish I had a pancake.

Oooh, I just made some! It kinda fell on the floor, but 3-second rule, etc. Just lemme pull all the cat hair off, ok?

I wish I had no cellulite anywhere. Thanks!

[Inner Stickler]

Congratulations! You're cellulite free! It was a bit tricky what with everything the cellulite was attached too, but you're now a very comely skeleton, if I do say so myself.

I wish I wouldn't get morning breath anymore.

[runner pat]

Congratulations! You're cellulite free! It was a bit tricky what with everything the cellulite was attached too, but you're now a very comely skeleton, if I do say so myself.

I wish I wouldn't get morning breath anymore.

You just stopped breathing.

I wish I had some new bookshelves.

[Elendil's Heir]

You are surprised to find fine new bookshelves in your house. Your neighbor happens to look in the window, recognizes the bookshelves as her own, and calls the cops. You're convicted of burglary and sentenced to 20 years in the big house.

I wish my iPod could hold twice as many songs.

[runner pat]

You are surprised to find fine new bookshelves in your house. Your neighbor happens to look in the window, recognizes the bookshelves as her own, and calls the cops. You're convicted of burglary and sentenced to 20 years in the big house.

I wish my iPod could hold twice as many songs.

No problem. I just cut each song in half.

[TruCelt]

Runner Pat, what does thee wish?

[runner pat]

You are surprised to find fine new bookshelves in your house. Your neighbor happens to look in the window, recognizes the bookshelves as her own, and calls the cops. You're convicted of burglary and sentenced to 20 years in the big house.

I wish my iPod could hold twice as many songs.

Runner Pat, what does thee wish?

Considering all the years I've lived in a small house, 20 years in a big house ain't that bad.

I wish I had a nice lawn.

[Der Trihs]

I wish I had a nice lawn.You now have a nice lawn; a sentient lawn from a faraway planet that in fact likes you quite a lot, feels sympathy for your terrible condition of being born a disgusting mammal, and assimilates you into a fellow sentient patch of grass out of kindness.

I wish I was immortal.

[runner pat]

You now have a nice lawn; a sentient lawn from a faraway planet that in fact likes you quite a lot, feels sympathy for your terrible condition of being born a disgusting mammal, and assimilates you into a fellow sentient patch of grass out of kindness.

I wish I was immortal.

Your soul is immortal and it will spend the rest of eternity in God's presence. :D

I wish I was the smartest person on the planet.

[KinkiNipponTourist]

Your soul is immortal and it will spend the rest of eternity in God's presence. :D

I wish I was the smartest person on the planet.

POOF! Bummer that you've traded that in for the ability to speak/read/write. Lonely at the top, fella!

I wish I were a billionaire. Yo!

[Der Trihs]

I wish I were a billionaire. Yo!You are crushed flat under a billion dollar bills.

I wish I could fly.

[Dr. Girlfriend]

I wish I could fly.

Poof, you're a mosquito!

Watch out for that flyswatter... :D


I wish my boyfriend would propose.

[NAF1138]

Poof, you're a mosquito!

Watch out for that flyswatter... :D


I wish my boyfriend would propose.

He did! He and your best friend are now getting married in 3 months. Do you want to be the maid of honor? You did introduce them after all.

I wish I didn't have to clean the kitchen after I cooked a nice meal.

[runner pat]

He did! He and your best friend are now getting married in 3 months. Do you want to be the maid of honor? You did introduce them after all.

I wish I didn't have to clean the kitchen after I cooked a nice meal.

The stove just caught fire. No more kitchen.

I wish I had a nice pair of wool socks.

[Inner Stickler]

Here's a sheep! Some assembly required.

I wish I could always find my phone without having to call it.

[Ludovic]

Your dentist surreptitiously implants a phone into your mouth. You get lots of calls. Mostly from the FBI and space aliens.

I wish I had a car that never breaks down.

[runner pat]

Your dentist surreptitiously implants a phone into your mouth. You get lots of calls. Mostly from the FBI and space aliens.

I wish I had a car that never breaks down.

No problem. It won't start.

I wish I had 10 Krugerrands.

[Enderw24]

No problem. It won't start.

I wish I had 10 Krugerrands.

Great, like the world needs need ten Objectivist authors with blades on her hands invading our dreams.

I wish I could figure out what's going wrong with the jailbreaking of my Apple TV.

[Bryan Ekers]

I wish I could figure out what's going wrong with the jailbreaking of my Apple TV.

A hundred Apple lawyers will descend on your house to explain it to you at length.

I wish I could sing better.

[Inner Stickler]

You're now a lovely soprano.

I wish I could read minds.

[runner pat]

You're now a lovely soprano.

I wish I could read minds.

You're reading all 7 billion at once.

I wish I had perfect eyesight.

[Elendil's Heir]

Done! You can see everything within five miles of you, in every direction, even when you close your eyes or try to sleep. Your mind soon shuts down from overstimulation.

I wish I had a hot and delicious bacon cheeseburger sitting right here in front of me.

[Bryan Ekers]

I'm already a lovely soprano!

[Mosier]

Done! You can see everything within five miles of you, in every direction, even when you close your eyes or try to sleep. Your mind soon shuts down from overstimulation.

I wish I had a hot and delicious bacon cheeseburger sitting right here in front of me.

Granted! It's being eaten by your jailer, who is on the other side of the bars.

I wish I was 25 and thin again.

[Bryan Ekers]

I wish I was 25 and thin again.

Nice to meet you, Leslie Carter.

I wish I had a copy of Action Comics #1.

[runner pat]

Nice to meet you, Leslie Carter.

I wish I had a copy of Action Comics #1.

No problem. It's June 1938 and you're 5 years old.

I want one each of every issue of Mad Magazine.

[Elendil's Heir]

Done - they're spread out around you in an impressively colorful array. Too bad you're in the middle of a prairie during a driving rainstorm with no umbrella.

I wish everyone recognized my genius and sex appeal.

[Bryan Ekers]

I wish everyone recognized my genius and sex appeal.

We already do, such as they are.

I wish Montreal winters were milder.

[Left Hand of Dorkness]

We already do, such as they are.

I wish Montreal winters were milder.I and global warming are in a position to grant this one!

I wish that the perversion of this wish were funnier.

[Elendil's Heir]

The Joker promises you it'll be the greatest laugh you ever have. And, of course, the last.

I wish I didn't have to go to work tomorrow.

[KellyCriterion]

The Joker promises you it'll be the greatest laugh you ever have. And, of course, the last.

I wish I didn't have to go to work tomorrow.
Granted! You now miss out on paying $2 for your share of the office lottery syndicate, which goes on to win the multi-million dollar Jackpot.

I wish I was good enough at poker that I could play it professionally.

[runner pat]

Granted! You now miss out on paying $2 for your share of the office lottery syndicate, which goes on to win the multi-million dollar Jackpot.

I wish I was good enough at poker that I could play it professionally.

You have lost all facial mobility. How you're going to eat and drink, I don't know.

I wish I had a elm tree in the backyard.

[Elendil's Heir]

You now have an elm tree in your backyard. It's beautiful, and it's enormous. Too bad about that big windstorm that's gonna knock it down on your house next week.

I wish I hadn't seen the worst movie I've ever seen, Liquid Sky, in college.

[runner pat]

You now have an elm tree in your backyard. It's beautiful, and it's enormous. Too bad about that big windstorm that's gonna knock it down on your house next week.

I wish I hadn't seen the worst movie I've ever seen, Liquid Sky, in college.

You never graduated high school and with your dead-end minimum wage job, you have no money for movies.

I wish I had a treeproof roof. ;)

[Mosier]

You never graduated high school and with your dead-end minimum wage job, you have no money for movies.

I wish I had a treeproof roof. ;)

Your new home in Antarctica comes with a lifetime guarantee that no trees will ever destroy the roof!

I wish my house would clean itself.

[Stoid]

Your new home in Antarctica comes with a lifetime guarantee that no trees will ever destroy the roof!

I wish my house would clean itself.

It throws out every single thing you own in its zealous cleaning effort, then strips the paint off the walls and the finish from the floor and keeps going until it disappears entirely.

I wish that everyone in the world had all the money they needed to live a decent middle-class life.

[runner pat]

It throws out every single thing you own in its zealous cleaning effort, then strips the paint off the walls and the finish from the floor and keeps going until it disappears entirely.

I wish that everyone in the world had all the money they needed to live a decent middle-class life.

Middle class Masai, I'm on it.

I wish I lived in the most miserable place on earth. (Remember, you have to corrupt it.)

[Little Nemo]

I wish I lived in the most miserable place on earth. (Remember, you have to corrupt it.)Every place you stop and settle down in is struck by blight and disaster. And everyone knows about your wish and is aware of the consequences if you stop in their town.

I wish the Patriots had won the Superbowl today.

[Stoid]

Middle class Masai, I'm on it.


How does that corrupt my wish?

[Left Hand of Dorkness]

I wish the Patriots had won the Superbowl today.
Per your wish, the NFL adds the new "Everybody's a winner" rule, quickly nicknamed "The Little Nemo Rule."

I wish that cheese sandwich I'm packing for lunch were really delicious.

[KinkiNipponTourist]

Per your wish, the NFL adds the new "Everybody's a winner" rule, quickly nicknamed "The Little Nemo Rule."

I wish that cheese sandwich I'm packing for lunch were really delicious.

*burp* it was!

I wish I had my own personal driver at my beck and call 24/7.

[Intergalactic Gladiator]

*burp* it was!

I wish I had my own personal driver at my beck and call 24/7.

Congratulations, you are the owner of Toonces the Driving Cat!


I wish that my wife is always in the mood for sex whenever I am without being too tired or having a headache.

[Ludovic]

I wish that my wife is always in the mood for sex whenever I am without being too tired or having a headache.She also gets pregnant every time no matter what precautions you take.

I wish I had an all-cashmere overcoat.

[Left Hand of Dorkness]

I wish I had an all-cashmere overcoat.
On reflection, maybe if you'd asked for one made from just part of the cashmere goat instead of from all of it, your coat wouldn't be quite so gory.

I wish I had a magic wand that let me cast the spells I want to cast, when I want to cast them.

[John DiFool]

[ninja'ed]

<ahem> Your spells cast fine-you now have a nice collection of spell scrolls ingraved on clay tablets. Oh did I forget to mention that they don't actually work?

I wish that this thread would disappear into oblivion.

[Annie-Xmas]

This thread disappears into permanent oblivion, along with every computer system ever devised.

I wish Obama loses the next election.

[soulmurk]

I wish Obama loses the next election.

He does, to surprise write-in candidate Michelle Obama and Vice President Oprah Winfrey.

I wish I could be a better writer.

[BigT]

He does, to surprise write-in candidate Michelle Obama and Vice President Oprah Winfrey.

I wish I could be a better writer.

Poof, you are now J.D. Salinger, or, at least, what's left of him after two years of being a corpse.

I wish I wasn't so tired.

[Elendil's Heir]

You fall into a deep, restful sleep that is only interrupted when the car you're driving plunges off a very high bridge.

I wish I knew how to design and build bridges.

[Intergalactic Gladiator]

I wish I knew how to design and build bridges.

Congratulations, you've designed and built the I-35W Mississippi River bridge, Highway 19 overpass at Laval , and the Hoan Bridge.


I wish for a turkey sandwich on rye bread with lettuce and mustard. And... and I don't want any zombie turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any other weird surprises, you got it?

[runner pat]

Congratulations, you've designed and built the I-35W Mississippi River bridge, Highway 19 overpass at Laval , and the Hoan Bridge.


I wish for a turkey sandwich on rye bread with lettuce and mustard. And... and I don't want any zombie turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any other weird surprises, you got it?

The turkey is not quite dead yet.

I want a ham sandwich.

[msmith537]

The turkey is not quite dead yet.

I want a ham sandwich.


*SHAZAAM!!*

An Irish indie rock band shows up at your house and wont leave! (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ham_Sandwich_%28band%29)

[msmith537]

I wish that my wife is always in the mood for sex whenever I am without being too tired or having a headache.

*POOF!!*

Whenever you are horney your wife has sex with me!

[Ludovic]

I'm tired of moving every few years. I wish I had a stable residence.

[soulmurk]

I'm tired of moving every few years. I wish I had a stable residence.

Welcome home (http://www.niceimage.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/Horse-Stables.jpg)!

I wish my kids would learn to clean up after themselves.

[runner pat]

I'm tired of moving every few years. I wish I had a stable residence.

You're a horse.

I wish I could travel to the The Restaurant at The End Of The Universe.

[Heart of Dorkness]

Ah, ninja horses get me every time.

[Heart of Dorkness]

Meant to add:

soulmurk, your kids are now very good at cleaning up after themselves. No matter what crimes or misdemeanors they commit, you'll never be able to find a single piece of evidence to prove it - they don't leave a trace behind.

runner pat, you're slated to arrive shortly, along with the rest of the Ameglian Major Cows in this week's delivery.

Me, I just wish I had more time for my hobbies.

[Maggie the Ocelot]

Congrats! You're fired!


I wish I had gotten tickets to Burning Man.

[panamajack]

You're the main character in Shade (http://www.ifiction.org/games/playz.php). The tickets are in your jacket (in the closet).

Walkthrough (http://webhome.idirect.com/~dswxyz/sol/shade.html) if you feel like playing it.

Or if not:
You have tickets to Burning Man (in the game a fictional thing called the "Death Valley Om"). You go on a night hike and get lost in the desert.

The point of the game is to break out of the illusion that you're still at home, and to die in the sand.


I wish I had a beautiful girlfriend who loved me.

[Mosier]

You're the main character in Shade (http://www.ifiction.org/games/playz.php). The tickets are in your jacket (in the closet).

Walkthrough (http://webhome.idirect.com/~dswxyz/sol/shade.html) if you feel like playing it.

Or if not:
You have tickets to Burning Man (in the game a fictional thing called the "Death Valley Om"). You go on a night hike and get lost in the desert.

The point of the game is to break out of the illusion that you're still at home, and to die in the sand.


I wish I had a beautiful girlfriend who loved me.

Your friend (who's a girl!) loves you like a brother.

I wish I was more talented and ambitious.

[Intergalactic Gladiator]

Congratulations, you are now talented and ambitious enough to think of many clever plans that will allow you to take over the tri state area.

Unfortunately, your clever plans are always foiled by a platypus.


I wish I could finish this certification course and pass the test.

[RickJay]

Speaking of, I wish Starving Artist would go away.
[Moderating]

I wish you'd not use this as a vehicle for personal attacks.

A little trash talk in the context of the game directed at the last poster is fine. This isn't.

No warning.

RickJay
Moderator

[KinkiNipponTourist]

Congratulations, you are now talented and ambitious enough to think of many clever plans that will allow you to take over the tri state area.

Unfortunately, your clever plans are always foiled by a platypus.


I wish I could finish this certification course and pass the test.

POOF! Congratulations! This certification lasts 30 days, so hold on to those textbooks!

I wish the nasty rain we're having in Tokyo would turn to SNOW!

[Saint Cad]

POOF! Congratulations! This certification lasts 30 days, so hold on to those textbooks!

I wish the nasty rain we're having in Tokyo would turn to SNOW!

Which is green and glowing with radiation.

I wish I could move to London

[Scholar Beardpig]

Based on the most likely trajectory of this Russian missile you've been strapped to, you'll be moving there after a brief stop in the upper atmosphere.

I wish my blood pressure was lower.

(in b4 'you are now bleeding to death.' Show some creativity, people!)

[KinkiNipponTourist]

Based on the most likely trajectory of this Russian missile you've been strapped to, you'll be moving there after a brief stop in the upper atmosphere.

I wish my blood pressure was lower.

(in b4 'you are now bleeding to death.' Show some creativity, people!)

How those leeches workin' out for ya? Too bad we won't be able to peel them off.

I wish I had gorgeous white teeth.

[Isamu]

I wish I had gorgeous white teeth.

You have gorgeous white teeth, in your vagina.

I wish I was more creative.

[Elendil's Heir]

You are so creative that the Secret Service really wants to talk to you about your work with simulated U.S. currency.

I wish I knew who was going to win the World Series this year so that I could win millions betting.

[Isamu]

I wish I knew who was going to win the World Series this year so that I could win millions betting.

By coincidence, you are going to win the world series (of beer pong) this year! Congratulations. Getting someone to take your bets is your problem though.

I wish for world peace.

[Left Hand of Dorkness]

I wish for world peace.
Humanity is furious at your genocidal end to all violence, as anyone contemplating violence against a fellow earthling drops dead. Fortunately, we have a solution: an extra-orbital torture chamber just for you.

I wish the post after this will be numbered 94.

[John DiFool]

(No surprise) It is. 94 just so happens to be the answer to the Question: the Question, having been answered, leads Deep Blue and the Brain Spawn to destroy the universe, their mission fulfilled.

I wish the next person who posts a corrupted wish without also posting a wish of their own would get slapped with a wet linguini.

[Idle Thoughts]

I've heard that wet linguini hides a million dollar coin inside that the person gets when hit with it.

[Idle Thoughts]

WOOOOHOOO, and I got it!

I wish I could beat Super Mario Brothers.

[Elendil's Heir]

You do indeed beat Super Mario Brothers. Enraged, they assume corporeal form, emerge from cyberspace and beat you to death with your computer monitor.

I wish to die painlessly in my sleep, many years from now after a long, healthy and fulfilling life.

[runner pat]

You do indeed beat Super Mario Brothers. Enraged, they assume corporeal form, emerge from cyberspace and beat you to death with your computer monitor.

I wish to die painlessly in my sleep, many years from now after a long, healthy and fulfilling life.

And not screaming like the passengers in your car.

I want to to have a perfect math mind.

[FinnAgain]

I want to to have a perfect math mind.

You compulsively add, subtract, multiply, divide, square, square root, etc... every single quantity that you observe, every minute of every single day. You can't have a conversation without analyzing the average syllabic count.

I wish I could get a good night's sleep and still get all my work done, every day.

[Electric Warrior]

---

[Elendil's Heir]

...I wish I could get a good night's sleep and still get all my work done, every day.

The Obersturmbannfuhrer complimetns you as the best-rested, most productive guard at Auschwitz.

I wish the Holocaust had never happened.

[The Other Waldo Pepper]

I wish the Holocaust had never happened.

Your wish is granted; it's happening now.

I wish the President would always believe I'm his most trusted and brilliant adviser.

[Mosier]

And not screaming like the passengers in your car.

I want to to have a perfect math mind.

You already do! That's why the aliens with the scalpels are so interested in studying you.

I wish my head hair was as full and thick as my back and armpit hair.

[Intergalactic Gladiator]

His most trusted and brilliant advisor is a Cornish game hen -- but she hasn't been wrong yet.


I wish for Rick Santorum to get caught with a dude in a Turkish bath house.

[Mosier]

Your wish is granted; it's happening now.

I wish the President would always believe I'm his most trusted and brilliant adviser.

Damn, corrupted the wrong wish.

The president of the Puppy Bowl League has the utmost confidence in you!

See above for my corruptible wish.

[Elendil's Heir]

...I wish my head hair was as full and thick as my back and armpit hair.

Well, now that you're totally bald, it is just as full and thick. No more and no less.

I, too, wish for Rick Santorum to get caught with a dude in a Turkish bath house.

[runner pat]

His most trusted and brilliant advisor is a Cornish game hen -- but she hasn't been wrong yet.


I wish for Rick Santorum to get caught with a dude in a Turkish bath house.

Well, now that you're totally bald, it is just as full and thick. No more and no less.

I, too, wish for Rick Santorum to get caught with a dude in a Turkish bath house.

Bonus. He gets caught with you both.

I wish no one would corrupt this wish.

[TruCelt]

I and two of my work buddies worked together to do so.

I wish I had two hours more each day than everybody else.

[Malleus, Incus, Stapes!]

You do, but they occur when you're stuck in traffic.

I wish there was a Rent-A-Kitten stand at my campus.

[FinnAgain]

There is. You didn't specify that they had to be live kittens.

I wish that I had Christina Hendricks as a pet.

[Heart of Dorkness]

Too bad she's not housebroken.

I wish for good things to happen to everyone but me.

[TruCelt]

Eveything you are or own which is in any way good or desirable has now been universally distributed or granted to all humankind. While compeltely wiping out all your positve uniqueness, this has the marginally good result of your gaining a sense of belonging within the group.


I wish that fresh lobster was cheap and easy to obtain.

[FinnAgain]

It was 2012, the year of the Space-Lobster Invasion.

I'd like a thick, juicy steak cooked perfectly.

[Elendil's Heir]

Many of us would like that, too. You didn't say you wished for it.

I wish whoever perverted my wish would have a very, very good day.

[Maus Magill]

I will, right up until sundown when the International Space Station will slip from orbit, plummet into a building, which will collapse just in front of a semi, which will serve, causing an eighteen car pile up, which will distract the person person parked next to me while she's getting into her car, who will then ding my car.

I wish I could get off the phone to use the bathroom.

[davidm]

Your phone no longer works.


I wish that someone would corrupt this wish.

[Elendil's Heir]

The moment you envision the wish, the genie makes you forget it.

I wish leggy supermodels found me irresistible.

[John DiFool]

Yes-so much so that you get your skull crushed between the legs of the first one you go down on (still, a rather nice way to go you have to admit).

I wish for absolutely nothing at all.

[Intergalactic Gladiator]

Here's nothing: no house, no job, no planet to live on, no air to breathe. Good luck with that.


I wish, I wish, I wish I were a fish.

[davidm]

You're on a platter with a wedge of lemon.

I wish I was omnipotent.

[Intergalactic Gladiator]

Congractulations, you're omnipotent. You're also incapable of blocking out billions of voices ringing in your head and the sum total of all universal knoweldge assautling your brain. Because of this, you're catatonic. you can't move, speak, communicate, or even process what you now know.

I wish that I could drink as much beer as I want and then be able to snap my fingers and sober up.

[FinnAgain]

you're omnipotent. You're also incapable of [...]

I call foul! :)

[runner pat]

Congractulations, you're omnipotent. You're also incapable of blocking out billions of voices ringing in your head and the sum total of all universal knoweldge assautling your brain. Because of this, you're catatonic. you can't move, speak, communicate, or even process what you now know.

I wish that I could drink as much beer as I want and then be able to snap my fingers and sober up.

Too bad the ability to snap your fingers is the first thing to go when you drink alcohol.

I wish Nigella Lawson would cook a meal for me.

[Heart of Dorkness]

I wish that I could drink as much beer as I want and then be able to snap my fingers and sober up.

Huh. Well, I'd think that the pain of snapping your fingers - or any other bone, for that matter - would already have a pretty sobering effect, but hey, you want it, you've got it.

On a related note, I'd like to be able to eat as much food as I want, and still maintain my weight.

ETA: Whoops - she will, runner pat. She won't serve it to you, though. Bummer.

[Steve MB]

Looks like the queue derailed:

1) Okay; she's cooked you a nice meal, featuring mushrooms she picked herself using "How To Tell A Mushroom From A Toadstool" by the late somebody-or-other as a guide....

2) Okay; any excess will go right through you, and need to come out at the most inconvenient times with no warning whatsoever.

I wish my cats would hang around me when I want them around and ignore me when I'm trying to do something that requires attention (instead of the reverse like they do now).

EDIT: Ninja'd with queue correction; never mind the first one.

[Intergalactic Gladiator]

I call foul! :)

The science checks out, I'll allow it.

[Regallag_The_Axe]

I wish my cats would hang around me when I want them around and ignore me when I'm trying to do something that requires attention (instead of the reverse like they do now).

They do, but now you don't want around ever and they run away and get killed by a wolf.

I wish I had secret mind powers.

[Ludovic]

I wish I had secret mind powers.
You do, and fortunately it's not as bad as the rest of the people in here who have sensory overload from reading everyone's mind all the time.

You only read the minds of people close to you. You read all the negative thoughts they've ever thought about you.

I wish I had a nice vacation in the Rockies.

[runner pat]

You do, and fortunately it's not as bad as the rest of the people in here who have sensory overload from reading everyone's mind all the time.

You only read the minds of people close to you. You read all the negative thoughts they've ever thought about you.

I wish I had a nice vacation in the Rockies.

You also have the world's worst case of altitude sickness.

I want Nadia G. to serve me the meal that Nigella Lawson cooked for me.

[Regallag_The_Axe]

I want Nadia G. to serve me the meal that Nigella Lawson cooked for me.

She trips over a pair of your shoes, spilling the spilling the food all over you. Then she slaps you with a dead, stinky fish until you lose consciousness.

I wish my car ran on water.

[FinnAgain]

I wish my car ran on water.

It did. But now it only takes super premium gasoline and boy are you pissed off.

I wish I'm not allergic to shellfish.

[John DiFool]

No, but the little (resurrected) buggers like to chew their way out of your stomach Alien-style after you eat them.

I wish I wish I didn't squish that fish.

[runner pat]

She trips over a pair of your shoes, spilling the spilling the food all over you. Then she slaps you with a dead, stinky fish until you lose consciousness.

I wish my car ran on water.

You say that as if it's a bad thing. :D

[Elendil's Heir]

...I wish I wish I didn't squish that fish.

You didn't. Instead, it squished you.

I wish everyone would just get along in peace and harmony.

[FinnAgain]

Wish granted, lobotomies for everybody!

I wish that they'd release FreeSpace 3.

[sisu]

Your wish is granted as god gave everybody a frontal lobotomy

Free universal health care for all!

[sisu]

damn beaten!

They cast tom cruise in the lead!

Free universal health care for all!

[Elendil's Heir]

There's free universal health care for all, but it's so expensive to Uncle Sam that taxes go through the roof.

I wish for a long, happy and healthy life in which I never have to pay taxes.

[Tom Scud]

Enjoy your contented existence as a Galapagos tortoise.

Also, Freespace 3 is released, after being worked over by the team that did Duke Nukem Forever.

I want a cookie.

[runner pat]

Enjoy your contented existence as a Galapagos tortoise.

Also, Freespace 3 is released, after being worked over by the team that did Duke Nukem Forever.

I want a cookie.

You have the mother of all cookies. Every website known to exist knows where you are, what you bought, etc.

I wish I had a flashlight.

[Ludovic]

You have a flashlight, but you accidentally the whole thing.

I wish my computer was faster.

[Maus Magill]

It's plenty fast,; now that it's in the trunk of a stolen corvette.

I wish I had brought lunch.

[runner pat]

You have a flashlight, but you accidentally the whole thing.

I wish my computer was faster.

There's no electrical system in the world that can handle the load.

"You have a flashlight, but you accidentally the whole thing."
I wish I knew what you meant.

[Elendil's Heir]

You do, and this eldritch forbidden knowledge drives you mad.

I wish Cthulhu were real.

[FinnAgain]

Meet Charles L. Cthulhu, an accountant in Hackensack, NJ.

I wish that for the perfect video game library and a desktop that can run everything perfectly on the highest settings.

[Intergalactic Gladiator]

Your wish is granted. It's too bad that video games cause you siezures.


I wish to get promoted at work.

[Regallag_The_Axe]

I wish to get promoted at work.

Congratulations! You're the new executive vice president of changing your boss's diapers!

I wish I knew where I put the remote.

[Annie-Xmas]

You will no longer have any trouble finding the remote, as it has been transplated onto your forehead.

I wish I could eat whatever I wanted and no gain weight.

[Elendil's Heir]

Done. But you now have no appetite, and you waste away.

I wish I would never, ever get scurvy.

[sisu]

You die after an allergic reaction to lime juice.

I wish I was smarter

[John DiFool]

You can solve 12th-degree polynomials & trivial problems like Fermat's Last Theorem in your sleep, but lack any sort of normal functioning in day-to-day life because you are now an idiot savant.

I wish I were an Oscar Meyer weiner!

[runner pat]

You can solve 12th-degree polynomials & trivial problems like Fermat's Last Theorem in your sleep, but lack any sort of normal functioning in day-to-day life because you are now an idiot savant.

I wish I were an Oscar Meyer weiner!

Only kids like you. Even the ones who climb on rocks. You get arrested.

I wish i didn't keep misplacing my glasses.

[Arnold Winkelried]

A couple of nails through the glass into your eyeballs will do the trick nicely.

I wish that I had a perfect memory and never forgot anything.

[runner pat]

A couple of nails through the glass into your eyeballs will do the trick nicely.

I wish that I had a perfect memory and never forgot anything.

You remember everything every living creature has experienced back to the very beginnings of time.

I wish I could lose my glasses.

[FinnAgain]

Your glasses, along with your eyeballs that are still nailed to them, go missing.

I wish for the world's most perfect hamburger.

[runner pat]

Your glasses, along with your eyeballs that are still nailed to them, go missing.

I wish for the world's most perfect hamburger.

And it's so perfect, you can't bring yourself to eat it.

I wish I had a Seeing Eye Dog.

[Isamu]

You now have a seeing-eye dog. Because you are blind. Nice wish, a-hole :p

I wish it was lunchtime.

[runner pat]

You now have a seeing-eye dog. Because you are blind. Nice wish, a-hole :p

I wish it was lunchtime.

It is lunchtime somewhere. Not just where you are.

I wish I had a pair of cowboy boots.

[Ludovic]

"You have a flashlight, but you accidentally the whole thing."
I wish I knew what you meant.Btw in case you really, really want to know what I was riffing on, click on this (http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&safe=off&q=I+accidentally+the+whole+fleshlight&oq=I+accidentally+the+whole+fleshlight).

[Intergalactic Gladiator]

Here are your new cowboy boots -- made out of real cowboys!


I wish that Community will get 6 seasons and a movie.

[runner pat]

Btw in case you really, really want to know what I was riffing on, click on this (http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&safe=off&q=I+accidentally+the+whole+fleshlight&oq=I+accidentally+the+whole+fleshlight).

I knew, just wanted to see how the wish would be corrupted.

[runner pat]

Here are your new cowboy boots -- made out of real cowboys!


I wish that Community will get 6 seasons and a movie.

Directed by M. Night Shyamalan and Michael Bay.

I wish I had a light bulb for my lamp.

[Isamu]

You have a light bulb for your lamp. $1.99 at any hardware store. 5 minutes later you begin to suspect that you wasted your one free wish.

I wish this life is not a dream.

[msmith537]

I wish this life is not a dream.

*POOF*

Leonardo DeCaprio and his Inception crew beat you into a coma.

[Elendil's Heir]

Pssst. And the next wish...?

[Alan Smithee]

Since msmith didn't come back to finish his turn, I'll give it a go!

Isamu, thanks to you the US will never rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal." Never again on the red hills of Georgia will the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood. The state of Mississippi will always be a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, never to be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice. No one's little children will ever live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. Never in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification -- never in Alabama will little black boys and black girls be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers. No valley shall ever be exalted, nor any hill or mountain made low, nor the rough places made plain, nor the crooked places made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be hidden forever and all flesh shall seek it in vain.

I wish to have more frequent, pleasurable sex with beautiful, desirable, consenting, living human women without any danger of disease, unwanted pregnancy, or unpleasant emotional entanglement.

[Isamu]

You wake up in the body of Hugh Hefner. Make the most of what time you have left.

I wish I was successful at every endeavour.

[Elendil's Heir]

You decide to commit suicide, and it works like a charm.

I wish I was charming to all beautiful women to the extent that pleased me.

[Maus Magill]

You are, unfortunately, you are now also gay.

I wish I had perfect teeth.

[John DiFool]

Sure thing. Did I mention that they are perfect shark teeth? And that your cheeks and gums are now in shreds?

I wish I had my own private Idaho.

[Elendil's Heir]

You do. Now the ghost of River Phoenix won't stop bugging you.

I wish River Phoenix had not died so young, and instead had a long, successful, drug-free acting career that he found deeply fulfilling.

[Maus Magill]

He did, he's now known as Nicholas Cage.

I wish my desk clock would stop blinking.

[Arnold Winkelried]

It's stopped, unfortunately everything else has stopped working too since the nearest power plant blew up.

I wish I could eat all the spaghetti and meatballs (with parmesan and garlic bread) I wanted to without getting fat.

[runner pat]

It's stopped, unfortunately everything else has stopped working too since the nearest power plant blew up.

I wish I could eat all the spaghetti and meatballs (with parmesan and garlic bread) I wanted to without getting fat.

And it's the only thing you can eat from now on. All other food makes you fat.

I want a well fed, sterile tribble.

[John DiFool]

The tribble just keeps getting bigger and bigger until it is larger than your house. And trying to blow it up just results in a kazillion of the little buggers (who like I said won't stay little for long).

Your own damned fault for not watching the Animated Trek Tribble episode (http://en.memory-alpha.org/wiki/More_Tribbles,_More_Troubles). :cool:

I wish Scotty would beam me the f*** up already, as there apparently is no intelligent life here (not necessarily a dig at runner pat, understand).

[JohnT]

He beams you onto the Next Generation bridge, absent Picard and Data, who are replaced by Wesley Crusher and Troi's mom. No intelligent life there, either!

I wish my daughter will enjoy Beethoven's 9th when we take her to the symphony this weekend...

[Arnold Winkelried]

She'll enjoy it so much that she'll buy a violin and play it loudly every waking moment. If only she had just an ounce of talent... :(

I wish that my new push lawnmower will make mowing the lawn easy.

[Ludovic]

I wish that my new push lawnmower will make mowing the lawn easy.It cuts your lawn so close that it kills all the grass.

I wish I had a Victorian mansion in Upstate New York.

[Arnold Winkelried]

Poof! Beautiful mansion is yours. Unfortunately you have to share it with Zombie Queen Victoria.

I wish that I would win an Olympic decathlon and get a gold medal in the next Olympics.

[Caveat lector]

Granted. A disease strikes humanity crippling everyone over the age of ten. You are a shoo-in!

I wish that I made twice as much money, but kept the same job.

[runner pat]

The tribble just keeps getting bigger and bigger until it is larger than your house. And trying to blow it up just results in a kazillion of the little buggers (who like I said won't stay little for long).

Your own damned fault for not watching the Animated Trek Tribble episode (http://en.memory-alpha.org/wiki/More_Tribbles,_More_Troubles). :cool:

I wish Scotty would beam me the f*** up already, as there apparently is no intelligent life here (not necessarily a dig at runner pat, understand).

Read the episode. It's not a giant tribble after all but a colony. I specified a sterile tribble.

Still in play.

[Elendil's Heir]

For runner pat: Funny thing! Making tribbles sterile also turns them into carnivores, and gives them an absolute love of the taste of human flesh. Yours.

For Caveat lector: You've got the same job, but someone else had to be fired to make room in the budget for your doubled salary. Now you've got to do her job, too.

I wish upon a star that it made no difference who I are.

[FinnAgain]

Edit: sniped

[runner pat]

For runner pat: Funny thing! Making tribbles sterile also turns them into carnivores, and gives them an absolute love of the taste of human flesh. Yours.

For Caveat lector: You've got the same job, but someone else had to be fired to make room in the budget for your doubled salary. Now you've got to do her job, too.

I wish upon a star that it made no difference who I are.

I also specified well fed just to prevent that particular corruption.

You are now Maurice and you can only speak of pompatus of love.

[FinnAgain]

I wish upon a star that it made no difference who I are.

Enjoy your few remaining moments as a bit of plankton. The whale that gobbles you up does not care one iota for your personal life story. He just thinks you're delicious.

I wish my car ran on the ambient stupidity that I encounter every day.

[Elendil's Heir]

You drive it around the Straight Dope and it putters to a halt.

I also specified well fed just to prevent that particular corruption....

Ah, but now it's well-fed on you!

I wish for a fish in a dish.

[Namkcalb]

I wish for a fish in a dish.
You said nothing about freshness...:D

I wish to have all the power that you, the wishgiver, currently have now, with your full understanding and ability in using them, keeping my current mind and mental state, but without being restricted by having to give other people wishes or any other restrictions that you, to the best of your knowledge of me, would realize that I would find restrictive painful or unethical.

[runner pat]

You said nothing about freshness...:D

I wish to have all the power that you, the wishgiver, currently have now, with your full understanding and ability in using them, keeping my current mind and mental state, but without being restricted by having to give other people wishes or any other restrictions that you, to the best of your knowledge of me, would realize that I would find restrictive painful or unethical.

You're now trapped in an old oil lamp with no way to be freed.

I wish for a wish that is uncorruptable.

[Namkcalb]

You're now trapped in an old oil lamp with no way to be freed
currently have now.... and anyway, I'm sure to find my way out

"In the name of God, the Compassionate, the All-Merciful, I offer you my greetings and my profoundest gratitude, O my liberator. I pray you, read what is written here, and understand.

"Firstly, know that what you hold is no simple sheet of paper. I have assumed this form to attract your attention, for my natural shape is imperceptible to the eyes of man. I apologize most profusely for my duplicity, but I have heard that your people tell stories of messages in bottles. Allow me to relay my pitiful tale.

"My name is Ahmed bin Yusuf Abdul Hakim. I am an Ifrit, a fire spirit, of the Jinn. It occurs to me that, in this age and this place, word of my people may have escaped your ears, honored one. Know that it was Allah, the Creator and the Shaper of forms, who fashioned my people from smokeless flame, even before He sculpted the first man from the blessed clay, and that our people are as brothers in his eyes.

"I am a stranger to these cold lands; those of my tribe are folk of the desert, and of the caverns beneath the sands. My lineage is old and proud, known to the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, but I myself am young and, I must confess, foolish. Thus it was that I was tricked.

"Some months ago, I was wandering the desert night, as my folk are wont to do, when I heard a voice on the wind, calling my name. I followed it for many leagues, on foot and in the air - for Allah the most Generous has gifted my people with wings, and we are able fliers - but could find it nowhere. I was confounded, but the voice offered guidance, and told me to dive beneath the sands. I obeyed, plunging downward through sand and stone alike. Suddenly all grew dark and cold, and I found myself in a human dwelling not far from here.

"And I saw the source of the voice, who wore the shape of a beautiful woman. She had summoned me from afar, drawing me to her bedchamber with secret sigils and diagrams, with which she then entrapped me in a bottle, the same bottle you have found, O my savior. At first I thought that she had summoned me to be her husband, for as you may know it is not forbidden for our peoples to intermarry. Such was not to be my fortune, for although she was lovely in appearance, she was an evil woman of much malign intent, and desired only my power, to assist her in wicked deeds. My good heart compelled me to refuse, and she grew very angry.

"She resorted to threats, but we of the Ifrit are clever folk, and so at each turn I reminded her that to harm me she would be forced to open the bottle, and in so doing, set me free. Her temper raged like a storm, but after many nights she grew quieter and more calm. And here I hoped, in my foolishness, that she would finally release me. Indeed she wished to be rid of me, but alas, so too did she wish to make me suffer. She cast me into the lake, telling me as she did so that the bottle would be trapped in the ice, and would eventually shatter, and that I would die in the cold waters. And she abandoned me to my fate.

"May Allah preserve her, for it is Allah, the Preserver, who has saved me. As my captor predicted, this bottle was trapped beneath the ice of the lake. And yet, as I floated and prayed in that abyss of frozen fear, I saw the stirrings of great fishes below me. And as the fishes swam and cavorted throughout the long winter, the ice did not entrap me further, and when spring came, I remained alive. And yet, I had grown weak from my months of solitude and starvation. When this vessel washed up on the shore, I had but a spark of my fire left, for the winter in your lands is cold indeed. I could do no more than assume this form, as a final act of desperation. As paper I will not die, but neither have I the strength to return to my true form, for now the fire has left me.

"Thus I pray you, return to me my essence. Any source of flame will serve; I know your people are most ingenious and have devised many marvels for this purpose since the days of flint and steel. Simply set this paper alight, and I will be free. You will not see the joy of my liberation, for as I have said, my people are not easily seen by human eyes. Nor does the human form appear clearly to us, truly. But I will shower upon you such blessings as are mine to give, O my savior.

"If you wish to know the full scope of my generosity, write your full name upon the reverse side of this paper, prior to burning. I will return exactly one year thence, having recovered my strength, to grant your heart's desire and to hound your enemies. In the name of God, the Compassionate, the All-Merciful, it shall be so."
The above is a transcript of a handwritten letter found in a 20-ounce glass beverage container, found near Lake [REDACTED] in southwest Wisconsin. Signs of struggle were evident, and upon closer examination, several fragments of human bones were discovered nearby, badly charred.

[Elendil's Heir]

...I wish for a wish that is uncorruptable.

OK, you do. If only you could remember it!

I wish for $5 billion tax-free and the ability to spend it however I want.

[Maus Magill]

Here you are: 5 billion Zimbabwean dollars. You might be able to afford a cup of coffee. At McDonald's. On sale. If you have a coupon.

I wish my kids would go to sleep.

[msmith537]

You're now trapped in an old oil lamp with no way to be freed.

I wish for a wish that is uncorruptable.

You now own a lifetime supply of Helium. And containers will continue to show up at your home, wherever you live, and there is no way to cancel or refuse shipment.

[Namkcalb]

I wish my kids would go to sleep.
They invade your dreams... you know how in dreams, 5 minutes of real-time feels like hours, well... they're there, and you can't placate them.

I wish I could remember an uncorruptable wish until it was useless to me.

[Elendil's Heir]

You wish for $5. You get it. You're mugged five minutes later, though, and the guy takes your five bucks.

I wish I could compose the most beautiful music anyone had ever heard.

[Love Rhombus]

You wish for $5. You get it. You're mugged five minutes later, though, and the guy takes your five bucks.

I wish I could compose the most beautiful music anyone had ever heard.

You can. Unfortunately, you're in solitary, and not surrounded by music lovers.

I wish I knew what my ideal job would be.

[TruCelt]

You do, it is quality control editor of the Straight Dope Message Board. You will be forced to surf the SDMB 9 hours per day non-stop reporting all dull or inane posts. Nothing will be doen as a result of your reports, and all this will cease to be fun within about 3 hours. But for three hours, you had your perfect job.

I wish I had a safe, reliable and cheerful babysitter available.





*Note to namkalb - I thought that was going to end as a Nigerian scam spam. Woulda been hilarious!

[Elendil's Heir]

...I wish I had a safe, reliable and cheerful babysitter available.

Done! Too bad he costs $550/hr.

I wish I earned US$550/hr.

[Ludovic]

You do. Unfortunately it requires an on-call pager that only goes off once a month and can ring any time of the day, and you only get paid when you're working on a call. And if you miss a call you're fired.

I wish I had a 3-D wiimote roleplaying game.

[Elendil's Heir]

Boom! Now you do. Hope you enjoy Extreme Waiting in Line at the BMV. It's uncannily true to life.

I wish I would naturally and enjoyably laugh at least six times a day.

[Intergalactic Gladiator]

You laugh naturally and enjoyably at least six times a day. Unfortunately, these times are mostly innapropriate. People look at you oddly and begin to question your sanity.


I wish to get a really nice Valentine's Day gift from my wife tonight in bed, if you know what I mean. Nudge nudge, wink wink say no more, say no more.

[Elendil's Heir]

She nudges you and winks at you all night and you don't get a bit of sleep. No sex, either.

I wish I hadn't had that last piece of red velvet cake.

[msmith537]

I wish to get a really nice Valentine's Day gift from my wife tonight in bed, if you know what I mean. Nudge nudge, wink wink say no more, say no more.

Your wife turns into Eric Idle. He/she then rapes you repeatedly.

[Elendil's Heir]

I still wish I hadn't had that last piece of red velvet cake.

[TruCelt]

You didn't. But you will now, and another, and another, another. . .

I wish my old truck would start.

[Glottis]

It does, along with a car bomb. Burn on you.

I wish my bicycle never suffered punctures.

[Elendil's Heir]

Someone stole your tires. Problem solved!

I wish everyone loved me but left me alone when I wanted.

[FinnAgain]

You found a wonderful partner. They love you madly and represent your absolute ideal in every way. You cannot get enough of their company, their wit, even their personal scent all make you feel perfectly content in every way. They totally respectful of your emotional space, and so they leave you alone whenever you want to be left alone. Unfortunately, they also leave you alone when you don't want to be left alone. In fact, after your first meeting, you never see them ever again.

I wish that someone would prepare, deliver and provide all appropriate utensils for a delicious, highly-portable (non-cursed, properly heated, not plague ridden, not maggot infested, not overly salted) breakfast for me every morning.

[runner pat]

You found a wonderful partner. They love you madly and represent your absolute ideal in every way. You cannot get enough of their company, their wit, even their personal scent all make you feel perfectly content in every way. They totally respectful of your emotional space, and so they leave you alone whenever you want to be left alone. Unfortunately, they also leave you alone when you don't want to be left alone. In fact, after your first meeting, you never see them ever again.

I wish that someone would prepare, deliver and provide all appropriate utensils for a delicious, highly-portable (non-cursed, properly heated, not plague ridden, not maggot infested, not overly salted) breakfast for me every morning.

You get toast.

I wish someone would give me a Pop-Tart.

[Elendil's Heir]

It's OK if the Pop-Tart is stale, slathered in rancid butter and burned to a crisp, right?

I wish my red pen never ran out of ink.

[runner pat]

It's OK if the Pop-Tart is stale, slathered in rancid butter and burned to a crisp, right?

I wish my red pen never ran out of ink.

Too bad it's the pen you do your accounting with.

I wish I had a pencil eraser.

[Elendil's Heir]

You do, but then all pencils everywhere simultaneously disappeared into an alternate universe. The World Pencil League would like a word with you.

I wish there really were a World Pencil League.

[TruCelt]

There is, and you are it's treasurer, the only known person with access to it's funds. And there's $100,000 missing. And the members are largely factory owners and . . .er . . . union manager types. . .


I wish Celtling could throw a punch like Evander Holyfield.

[Elendil's Heir]

Done. Now he throws a punch exactly like Evander Holyfield. His opponents figure out his fighting style by watching old Holyfield tapes, and Celtling gets pummeled every night.

I wish for fame and fortune as a boxer.

[Tom Scud]

Congratulations. Your manager is Don King.

I wish that I had a challenging and rewarding job whose tasks fit my skills, that paid me a well-above-average salary for a US professional, and that had good job security.

[Death of Rats]

...

[Annie-Xmas]

You are now working as a boy toy in a maximum security prison.

I wish it would snow just enough to look pretty outside.

[John DiFool]

You are now a permanent resident of a nice little house...inside a snow globe which is periodically shook by a 90 year old widow.

I wish that snakes, toads, and other vermin would issue from the mouth of a GOP Presidential candidate any time that they lie and/or bear false witness (against each other or Pres. Obama, I don't care).

[FinnAgain]

Snake spitting Ron Paul seen as 'totally awesome' by young voters, wins election in a landslide as they actually get off their asses and into the polling booths.

If wish every order I made online, forever, had free, fast shipping.

[runner pat]

Snake spitting Ron Paul seen as 'totally awesome' by young voters, wins election in a landslide as they actually get off their asses and into the polling booths.

If wish every order I made online, forever, had free, fast shipping.

You order a new bowling ball. It arrives seconds later at over 10,000 mph, destroying your house. You are not charged for the shipping.

I wish I had a dime.

[Fear Itself]

I wish I had a dime.It's at the bottom of an outhouse.

I wish bacon had all of the flavor, but no calories.

[Ludovic]

I wish bacon had all of the flavor, but no calories.They genetically engineered all bacon to use Olestra instead of fat. It tastes the same. I'll leave it at that.

I wish I could run a 50 mile ultramarathon in 5 hours.

[runner pat]

They genetically engineered all bacon to use Olestra instead of fat. It tastes the same. I'll leave it at that.

I wish I could run a 50 mile ultramarathon in 5 hours.

You can. Everyone else in the world can now run it in under 3 hours. you're famous world-wide as "The Slow One".

I wish I could eat the Olestra bacon with no ill effects.

[Elendil's Heir]

You can. Too bad the Olestra Bacon Cartel charges $1000 a slice.

I wish I had my very own cartel.

[runner pat]

You can. Too bad the Olestra Bacon Cartel charges $1000 a slice.

I wish I had my very own cartel.

You have the bubble-gum cartel At first it's great, you're making money hand over fist. Then the report comes out that bubble-gum is carcinogenic to an extent never seen before. Overnight, the bubble bursts. :D

I wish I had a $1000 for a slice of Olestra bacon.

[Elendil's Heir]

Poof - you do! The nearly-omniscient Cartel notices, of course, so the price doubles before you can get to the supermarket.

I wish I could shop for free in any supermarket.

[runner pat]

Poof - you do! The nearly-omniscient Cartel notices, of course, so the price doubles before you can get to the supermarket.

I wish I could shop for free in any supermarket.

You can, it's called the five finger discount. Guess what else happens.

I wish I had a kosher pig.

[MannyL]

She'll enjoy it so much that she'll buy a violin and play it loudly every waking moment. If only she had just an ounce of talent... :(

I wish that my new push lawnmower will make mowing the lawn easy.

When I read this I thought you said

I wish that my new push lawnmower will make mowing the lawn SEXY.

[Love Rhombus]

You can, it's called the five finger discount. Guess what else happens.

I wish I had a kosher pig.

You do. It's 700 pounds, insanely carnivorous, bulletproof, and in your house.

[TruCelt]

You do. It's 700 pounds, insanely carnivorous, bulletproof, and in your house.

I wish Rhombus had left us a wish . . .

[Kamino Neko]

Granted, but it's such a bizarre and horrific desire, you go completely mad when you hear it.

I wish, I wish, I hadn't killed that fish.

[runner pat]

Granted, but it's such a bizarre and horrific desire, you go completely mad when you hear it.

I wish, I wish, I hadn't killed that fish.

The fish is now alive and it's so grateful it wants to be near you , all the time, night and day.
It wants to be your very best friend ever. And you're allergic.

Now I want a fish dinner. Cooked.

[TruCelt]

2,000 pounds of delicately roasted sturgeon lands on your house and crushes all within.

I wish I had the power of perfect concentration.

ETA: Realized that whale is not, of course, a fish.

[runner pat]

180 tons of delicately roasted Blue Whale lands on your house and crushes all within.

I wish I had the power of perfect concentration.

Aside: Should have been a Sperm Whale garnished with a bowl of petunias. ;)

You start concentrating on threading a needle and fail to notice anything else around you. Ever.

I wish I lived near an inactive quarry.

[John DiFool]

I wish I lived near an inactive quarry.

It's been abandoned for so long that it has become haunted, the stones themselves becoming possessed, and the next morning they start stomping on your car, ultimately turning it into a cube.

I wish, I wish, I hadn't killed that fish.

I wish that the next person who steals a wish which has already been made (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=14754827&postcount=132) has his/her armpits infested by the fleas of a 1,000 camels.

[TruCelt]

They do. And they become obsessed with hugging you, long and often.

I wish I had a magic purse, which would sipense as many $50 bills as I aksed it for at any time.

[runner pat]

They do. And they become obsessed with hugging you, long and often.

I wish I had a magic purse, which would sipense as many $50 bills as I aksed it for at any time.

Too bad a few typos prevents it from working.

I wish I had a magic wallet.

[FinnAgain]

sniped

[KinkiNipponTourist]

Too bad a few typos prevents it from working.

I wish I had a magic wallet.

POOF! Every time you go to pay for something, it magically disappears!

I wish I had nice, toned abs and no cellulite on my thighs.

::waits hopefully::

[runner pat]

POOF! Every time you go to pay for something, it magically disappears!

I wish I had nice, toned abs and no cellulite on my thighs.

::waits hopefully::

All your cellulite is now covering your nice, toned abs.

I wish there was a Dairy Queen here in town.

[KinkiNipponTourist]

All your cellulite is now covering your nice, toned abs.

I wish there was a Dairy Queen here in town.

POOF! Aside from that pesky extra chromosome, you've got your Dairy Queen! She's 6'5" and 240lbs, and likes ice cream just as much as you do! Too bad there are no ice cream parlors around...

I'd like it if Haagen Dasz built a nice big ice cream parlor right next to my house, and gave discounts to locals...

[runner pat]

POOF! Aside from that pesky extra chromosome, you've got your Dairy Queen! She's 6'5" and 240lbs, and likes ice cream just as much as you do! Too bad there are no ice cream parlors around...

I'd like it if Haagen Dasz built a nice big ice cream parlor right next to my house, and gave discounts to locals...

Unfortunately, Haagen Dasz is the Bertie Botts Beans of the ice cream world. The discounts are on their more unpopular flavors. You really wish you had wished for Haagen Dazs.

I wish I had a coopon. (Ron White fans will know)

[Elendil's Heir]

You have a coop on your car. It's really big, though, and scratches the paint something awful.

I wish nothing bad would happen to me ever again.

[runner pat]

You have a coop on your car. It's really big, though, and scratches the paint something awful.

I wish nothing bad would happen to me ever again.

Nothing good ever happens either, Your life becomes an emotionless void. You are Keanu Reeves' twin.

I wish all those chickens would fly the coop.

[Love Rhombus]

Nothing good ever happens either, Your life becomes an emotionless void. You are Keanu Reeves' twin.

I wish all those chickens would fly the coop.

They do, and your house is covered by eggs as a parting gift.

I wish I had the pair of nice shoes, whole, my dog chewed up 15 years ago. (Never found them anywhere else).

[John DiFool]

They're found on a nearby beach with 2 feet still in them (not yours thankfully enough).

I wish that the eye dilation that my opthamologist gave me this morning would wear the fuck off already.

[Elendil's Heir]

Your eye sockets are raped by a violently crazed felon. No more dilation problem. Was that the "fuck off" you had in mind?

I wish every woman I find attractive wanted to have sex with me, but could take "No" for an answer when I got tired.

[FinnAgain]

Unfortunately your testicles are pulled off in a horrible biking accident. You're not all that turned on by women anymore, turns out.

I wish I had an awesome smartphone that got great reception everywhere, unlimited data, and didn't cost an arm and a leg.

[Elendil's Heir]

Done. It costs two arms and three legs! "Sorry, Mom...."

I wish everyone who had a surplus body part could have it painlessly and safely disappear, if he or she individually wished for it to do so.

[FinnAgain]

Done. It costs two arms and three legs!

Cheap at half the price.

[TruCelt]

Done. It costs two arms and three legs! "Sorry, Mom...."

I wish everyone who had a surplus body part could have it painlessly and safely disappear, if he or she individually wished for it to do so.

Your back yard is inundated with a constant drip of tonsils, adenoids and appendixes. (appendices?!?)

I wish getting into good physical condition was easy.