I think my brother is bisexual

[Stauderhorse]

I've always unthinkingly assumed my brother is straight. He's had a couple of girlfriends, and despite being very shy, he gets his share of female attention. I was recently thinking back to my childhood, and I remembered the fact that my brother was, shall we say, obsessed with late '50s actor James Dean. He claimed to idolize him, which I don't doubt, but he also had pictures of the actor all over his room, as well as all his movies. My family teased him about it, and we eventually moved out of that house into another one closer to work. He now has several posters of the Twilight movies in his room, including one of just Edward Cullen near the TV. The girlfriends he's had have treated him like shit, and he's more or less given up on finding a decent woman, and spends most of his time either at strip clubs or at the gym. I'm pretty sure he likes women (either that or he puts up a very good front), but his shyness and general sensitivity (at least in the past), the fact that he really likes certain male actors, his growing sense of misogyny, his proclivity for the gym and hanging out with exclusively male friends, make me think he's attracted to men as well as women and in deep denial about that fact. He's never been open about his feelings, even with the people he loves most. My parents (especially my dad) were quite vocal about their homophobia, and feelings were hardly even discussed, which may explain why he felt the need to hide it.

I don't want to give the impression that I'm judging him in the slightest. I'm bi myself, and while not very open about the fact, I don't hide it from close friends. It would partly explain why he sounds tortured and depressed whenever I talk to him, though the fact that my awful mother roped him into living with her and running the family business is probably a factor. I'd like him to be happy, and being honest with himself and everyone else couldn't hurt at this point. M and P and all that, but I wanted to share this revelation and see if there was any way I could help him. If I confront him about it he'll probably shell up, but I want to test the waters and let him know I'm okay with it.

[Cat Whisperer]

You don't have to have a definitive conversation with him; you can just plant the occasional seed to let him know that you are bisexual yourself, you think he might be too, and you're fine with it if he is and he's welcome to talk to you. Letting him know where he stands with you without any kind of real conversation might encourage him to talk to you more.

[ratatoskK]

Agreed with Cat -- Let him know you're bi and if he wants to talk about it with you, he will, at some point.

[Rachellelogram]

He could be bi or he could be deeply-closeted gay. If he's not willing to accept it in himself, then he's not going to suddenly start dating guys because you say you have. But it would likely help him down the road if you disclosed now.

[monstro]

Why do you think he's in denial? Has he come out and said anything homophobic?

If he doesn't know you are bi, it's possible he's thinking the exact same thing about you. So think about coming out to him. Seems to me you can't possibly expect him to be open and honest about himself if you aren't open and honest with him.

[Stauderhorse]

Why do you think he's in denial? Has he come out and said anything homophobic?

He's just the type of person who would be conflicted about this. He's very sensitive and an eternal people-pleaser, so any feelings or desires would be pushed to the back of his mind to please my parents/society at large. And he is a bit homophobic, which he probably picked up from my father's constant hate speech growing up. My dad is a first-generation Greek immigrant, and very much into macho posturing and the homophobia that goes along with that.

[twickster]

Since you're looking for advice, I'll move this from MPSIMS to our advice forum, IMHO.

[etv78]

IMO. he's a gay man in denial. My advice: if you're comfortable doing so, set him up with a male friend.

[Foggy]

How old is he?
Where does he live?

[Stauderhorse]

How old is he?
Where does he live?

35.
Florida.
Why?

[Foggy]

35.
Florida.
Why?
Just curious and to get a better idea of his situation.

Unfortunately I don't have anything to add except to echo what others have said - telling him that you are bisexual and maybe moving away from his parents. I live with my mother until my early 30's (except for a few years). That didn't help with my social life much less my love/sex life.

[Zjestika]

I feel like something's up with a 35 year old man with Twilight posters. Have you asked him about that?

[grude]

Listen to me PLEASE, my story is very relevent to your interests!

I have a much older sister, try two decades older. Because I apparently did not exibit stereotypical straight behaviour in early childhood(apparently stuff as authoritative as watching He-man AND She-ra!) she decided I was gay and nothing will change her fucking mind. When I was 19 and talking to a 15 year old girl she was worried about legal problems, but I was still gay. Dating women I was clearly confused and had not yet discovered my love for men.

I am grown and married and have a child and have done all the sexual questioning and exploring I want to do and decided I was hetero. Even walking physical proof that my penis has entered a vagina is not good enough.

She won't let go of her non-existant gay brother, even now when I talk to her she has to drop shit into the convo like saying "its a shame you never went to college when you were younger, you could have explored and discovered your true self" :smack:

Leave your brother alone, do not try to divine his sexuality. If he has something to share he will.

[2gigch1]

Leave your brother alone, do not try to divine his sexuality. If he has something to share he will.

I was rollin right along with the consensus until this showed up.

THANK YOU FOR THIS.

Now reminded I have to say perhaps your brother is just weird. And that's okay too.

This stranger's advice: be there, be supportive, but don't press him to 'come out.' He might just be different, and the thought that to others he appears gay when he's not could be really hurting him.

I do think you can have a conversation about this: by saying 'I don't know if you are gay, bi, or not, but I know whatever is going on it's hard' (or something to that effect) you give him all the logical outs and allow him to converse in whatever direction makes him comfortable without judgement.

And who knows, he may end up taking three lefts instead of one right and end up exactly where you think he should be. But this way he controls the steering wheel, which is the only way he can find peace.

[Gyrate]

I feel like something's up with a 35 year old man with Twilight posters. Have you asked him about that?
I'm hoping that he's gay/bi, because the alternative is that he likes Twilight and that's unforgivable.

[Stauderhorse]

I feel like something's up with a 35 year old man with Twilight posters. Have you asked him about that?

He just likes the movies, apparently. He watched the first one on a lark and has been a fan ever since. They have good eye candy, I'll say that for them.

[the lone cashew]

I agree with grude and 2gigchi1. Why not just be a friend? You can love your brother without being a meddling busybody. I know you don't mean to be that, but people's sexuality is none of anyone else's business and a very private matter. Let them share that with you on their own if they want to.

[RTFirefly]

I think the original consensus in this thread is correct. He might be gay or bi, and given what Stauderhorse says about their home life growing up, it's pretty easy to see how he might have internalized his parents' attitudes and be in denial about what he is. It couldn't hurt for Stauderhorse to come out to him as bi, without any sort of "and I think you're bi too" implication attached of course, just so his brother has a bit more room to accept that part of himself if that's what he is.

And if it turns out he's really straight as an arrow, what's the harm in this?

[Blaster Master]

I don't really have any experience with this, so take my thoughts with a grain of salt. It sounds like he may be bi or gay or, considering he's been treated like crap by past girlfriends, could just be bitter about women for the time being, or maybe there's other unrelated stresses in his life. Don't be quick to pass a judgment because he fits certain stereotype. Whether he's closeted or resentful or just in rough times, you can't make him stop denying or move on or mourn or just open up, and you shouldn't. He has to come to terms with his feelings on his own. You can be supportive and offer an ear or a shoulder, but you could just make things worse if you approach him with that notion too strongly and it's not true or, even if it is, if he's in strong enough denial, you could just strengthen his resolve.

[DMark]

It takes some people longer than others to admit/accept who they are. There is really nothing you can do to rush the process, just be there in case support is necessary.

Is he, isn't he?

Well, 35 is about the time a lot of guys finally figure it out if they come from a repressed environment. Not unheard of even later in life, but this age is the time guys start to think of settling down with "someone" and start to do some re-evaluations. Maybe he knows and is just starting to come to terms with it and needs some experience. I am sure he knows his way around the internet for info (local clubs/bars/gyms and yes, porn) so that should not be a problem for someone his age. Now it is getting the courage to act upon it.

Whether he is or isn't, there really isn't much you can do at this point. You might want to go out to some mixed nightclub and just have some fun, have a few drinks and be open and casually comment about the couples of all genders to let him know what kind of person you are. Don't dwell, just let him see none of it bothers you and you treat everyone the same. That is about the only tip I can think of, other than let it be.

[Napier]

Stauderhorse, you've got some nice advice here. Mine is that if you care about your brother, be open with him about yourself, and be nice to him. Don't dwell on figuring out what he really is. In this context, "really is" sounds more important than it really is, eh?

And if he ever comes out as gay, why don't you introduce him to grude's sister? Sounds like she has an unmet need for a gay male.

[Dogzilla]

Listen to me PLEASE, my story is very relevent to your interests!

I have a much older sister, try two decades older. Because I apparently did not exibit stereotypical straight behaviour in early childhood(apparently stuff as authoritative as watching He-man AND She-ra!) she decided I was gay and nothing will change her fucking mind. When I was 19 and talking to a 15 year old girl she was worried about legal problems, but I was still gay. Dating women I was clearly confused and had not yet discovered my love for men.

I am grown and married and have a child and have done all the sexual questioning and exploring I want to do and decided I was hetero. Even walking physical proof that my penis has entered a vagina is not good enough.

She won't let go of her non-existant gay brother, even now when I talk to her she has to drop shit into the convo like saying "its a shame you never went to college when you were younger, you could have explored and discovered your true self" :smack:

Leave your brother alone, do not try to divine his sexuality. If he has something to share he will.

This.

I took a very long break from men (several years) to get some therapy and get my head screwed back on nice and straight. It was a really useful time for me and I learned a lot about myself. Some of my family members still insist that I'm gay. A few years ago, my sister was at the annual family dysfunctional Thanksgiving fest and mentioned my boyfriend. One of my stepsisters piped up, "I thought she was gay!" Apparently, nods and murmurs of agreement went around the table.

I told my sister to tell them (nobody has the balls to confront me directly or I would say this myself) that, just because I don't call home to report every single heterosexual drunken hookup, that does not mean I'm gay. Just because I don't want to get married or have children, that does not mean I'm gay.

It doesn't matter. Some people will think I'm gay no matter how many typical lifestyle choices I make or don't make.

Bottom line to me is: What's it your business if your brother is gay or bi or curious or whatever? What's it to him that you're bi? Honestly, I cannot get down with people nosing into other people's sexual orientation or religion. The only people who need to know what my sexual orientation is are the people with whom I am interested in fucking. All others: none of your business, and that includes family. I don't want to know what turns them on, who they sleep with, or what they get up to in the privacy of their own bedrooms and I'm not spilling those details about my life either... except to the actual person I'm actually sleeping with.

My advice: Just butt out and be a good sister, eh? Who cares if he's bi/gay/straight/likes to lick Kangaroos?

[shiftless]

My advice: Just butt out and be a good sister, eh? Who cares if he's bi/gay/straight/likes to lick Kangaroos?

I agree, except something needs to be done about the Twilight posters.

Parts of OP could have been talking about me years ago. Apparently, something I am just learning in my 50s, some family members thought I was a little odd when I was young. I was very shy and so very slow to start dating. I never talked about girls or sex and I spent all my time with guys. Girls were scary as hell, I could barely talk to them so of course I spent all my time with guys! Anyway, thank goodness nobody ever decided to "help" me come out (except for a few old guys - ewww) because I would have been mortified. Eventually I learned to talk to girls, dated, married, etc.

If you must do something, help him socialize in general. Just don't try to push him into the arms of someone you think meets his sexual needs when you don't know what those are.

[Dogzilla]

Shiftless, I couldn't agree more about the Twilight posters. Straight or gay, he'll never get laid with those things hanging up in his room. I'd take one look at that, turn on my heel, and leave without another word. Ew.

[gurujulp]

Nothing great to add- except that my 9yo daughter is the only one with Twilight stuff in the house. I was surprisingly okay with the first movie, but the posters and stuff?

He is either like half this board, and extremely self-absorbed in his own nerdism, except he takes it out with Twilight while we take it out with star wars toys... Or yeah, he might be repressed.

I am not sure how it would go, suggesting to a repressed, somewhat homophobic male that he start liking dick.

I think the best possible option would be that he would then avoid you, until such time as he either forgave you (if not true) or accepted himself and then thanked you (should he in fact be gay).

Being myself almost totally straight, and having been questioned about my own sexuality only because I am/was willing to discuss experimentation as a youth, I can't imagine that what you are contemplating would go down well.

By all means, come out to him- but if he isn't in the right place, that will have much the same effect, unless he really trusts you, perhaps even more than he trusts himself...

[Agent Foxtrot]

Another vote for leave him alone. Would him coming out somehow make you happier/feel better?

[Lo-Slung Denim]

My honest first reaction is that I think you are projecting your sexuality on to him.

Just be open, loving and caring and let him approach you.

[panache45]

It's totally appropriate for you to share your bi side with him. Once you have your own sexuality out, you may not be so concerned with his. I have known people who didn't come out until their 50s, or later. If he is in fact gay or bi, then he'll come out in his own time . . . or possibly not at all. It's his life.

[handsomeharry]

I say mind your own business, in this thing.

He's an effing adult, 35 years old, and, what, running the family business? How old is too old for you to cease meddling in his sex life??? For whatever reason, he is where he is. Doesn't need help.


ETA: Yeah, tell him to lose the Twilight posters. Tell him they look gay. Whichever way he goes, he'll lose them quick!

[Count Blucher]

Just be open, loving and caring and let him approach you.

+1. He might be straight, but his announcements are his own. Even with the best of intentions, "outting" is crappy thing to do (and false accusations aren't exactly fun to deal with either).

[Omar Little]

I feel like something's up with a 35 year old man with Twilight posters. Have you asked him about that?

He just likes the movies, apparently. He watched the first one on a lark and has been a fan ever since. They have good eye candy, I'll say that for them.

I'd be less concerned about a 35 year old watching a teen movie and more concerned about a 35 year old that still put's posters up in his room.

ETA: I'm pretty sure that putting posters up in your room, ended for most people after their freshman year of college.

[Electric Warrior]

I would feel totally weird if friends or family were trying to make my sexuality their business. But it is important for people to know that they have a safe place to be themselves. I think the best way to approach this situation would be to come out to your brother, with no ulterior motives. It'll bring the two of you closer together and he'll know that at least he has someone who it's okay to talk about those things with.

[amanset]

Leave your brother alone, do not try to divine his sexuality. If he has something to share he will.

This, this, a million times this.

It amazes me how so many people here feel the need, nay the right, to go flying in with their size fourteens into someone else's personal shit as they have decided themselves that there is an issue.

There isn't an issue. It isn't any of your business. Go find a hobby.