Do you think people can remain friends with ex'es?

[John DiFool]

Inspiring Thread (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=643894). Not sure how to make the plural: "exes" looks kind of funny to me.

Added the poll for the hell of it, but the focus here should be on the posts more than the poll questions. In my case I did manage to pull it off (I simply didn't have the same feelings she had during the actual relationship), but afterwards we were adults about the whole thing and after a brief FWB phase we were perfectly fine, tho we've since drifted apart.

[Red Barchetta]

I hope so considering I'm going to Disney World later this month with an ex-girlfriend that I broke up with only a few weeks ago!

[Maggie the Ocelot]

I'm still very good friends with two of my exes and on a friendly-when-we-happen-to-run-into-one-another basis with most of the others.

In my experience, the three factors that are most important in remaining friends are:

1) Being friends with each other *first*, before the romantic attachment begins.

2) Allowing yourselves some not-in-contact-with-each-other time *after* the breakup; you can't go from smoochyface to buddies without a cooling-off period.

3) Not being jerks to each other during the breakup process, or abusive during the relationship.

[Magiver]

I've kept in touch with girl friends from 30 years ago.

[jjimm]

Yes, I've done it, but both parties need to acknowledge that it's not a normal friendship. There are sensitivities involved that complicate things and make it hard work. It's definitely more vulnerable than merely being buddies. ETA: for the first few years at least, depending on the length of the relationship.

[DianaG]

It's just exes. And sure, but of course it depends on the particular people and situation. I'm friends with a bunch of my exes, mostly of the "good folks it just didn't work out with" variety.

If you genuinely like someone, you can usually be friends. If the reason you broke up with them is because at the end of the day you didn't like them, or they weren't worthy of being liked, then why be friends with them either?

[msmith537]

Why bother?

[Anaamika]

Why bother?

This. I'm sure they can, but why bother?

[DianaG]

Well, if it's a bother, then I agree it's probably not worthwhile.

But me, I've slept with lots of people that I felt were still worth knowing even if we weren't having sex anymore.

[blondebear]

My ex-girlfriend (we dated for a couple years in the late 90s) is now my best friend. We chat on the company IM system every day and we usually go on some kind of vacation trip every year. We never would have made it as a married couple due to certain issues with our families, but we get along great as "just friends".

[danceir]

What about going back for a you know a quickie? Is that sham-less cause I do hate her that "B"! Damn it!

[danceir]

I did it again!

[Larry Mudd]

Why bother?Someone who isn't an ideal partner can still be a good friend. It seems silly to rule someone out as a friend just because you've had sex with them.

A couple of my best friends are exes. After a long enough time, it doesn't matter what the relationship was before, it just settles into a comfortable friendship.

[Shagnasty]

The basic problem is that the English language has only one word for 'Friend' and it is a major shortcoming that needs to be corrected. It covers everything from the person that you grew up with and eventually saved your life to the coworker that you eat lunch with once a month or so.

Given the broad definition, yes you can be friends with your ex. I still go to most holidays at my ex in-laws house with no friction. But true friends? No. Real friendship would mean that you could tell each other everything and that isn't the case now. The better term is amiable partnership. I wish the English language had much broader terms for diffident types of relationships. It has a ridiculous amount of words for mundane things but not types of relationships.

[pravnik]

Sure, I'm pretty good friends with all my exes, and I'm still fairly close with some of them who still run in my crowd. I mean, I originally liked them for a reason, and just because you both decide that you don't want to stay together forever and get married doesn't mean that they quit being a cool person. If they're total psychos then of course you'd want nothing to do with them ever again, but if they're just a friend that you used to have sex with and don't now, who cares?

[DianaG]

Given the broad definition, yes you can be friends with your ex. I still go to most holidays at my ex in-laws house with no friction. But true friends? No. Real friendship would mean that you could tell each other everything and that isn't the case now. The better term is amiable partnership. I wish the English language had much broader terms for diffident types of relationships. It has a ridiculous amount of words for mundane things but not types of relationships.
I agree with you that we could maybe use more words (I like words!) but first of all "partnership" implies a much more intricate relationship than "friendship", and secondly, it may take some time, but you can absolutely be "real" friends in the way you describe with an ex. It's a little absurd to assume that someone would be so eternally hung up on you that you can never reach a point where you can tell each other everything.

[DigitalC]

I'm friends with five out of my six exes, i don't see why not.

[Patience Jones]

I fall on the old fuddyduddy side of this issue. Being friends with exes is more trouble than it's worth. I think the "find a friend you haven't slept with" attitude is a good way to go for all concerned.

[RealityChuck]

It depends on the people and the circumstances of the breakup.

[janis_and_c0]

Yep. My ex-husband even attended my wedding & took the pictures.

[WhyNot]

The basic problem is that the English language has only one word for 'Friend' and it is a major shortcoming that needs to be corrected. It covers everything from the person that you grew up with and eventually saved your life to the coworker that you eat lunch with once a month or so.

Given the broad definition, yes you can be friends with your ex. I still go to most holidays at my ex in-laws house with no friction. But true friends? No. Real friendship would mean that you could tell each other everything and that isn't the case now. The better term is amiable partnership. I wish the English language had much broader terms for diffident types of relationships. It has a ridiculous amount of words for mundane things but not types of relationships.
I absolutely agree. My ex and I are "friends" for a carefully defined and limited meaning of "friend". We are most definitely "partners" in raising our daughter together, and we're good at it (much better than we were as parenting partners when married). We still travel in much the same social circle, and people invite both of us (and our current partners) to events and parties and we all go and things are fine.

But we're still stiff, stilted and a bit standoffish. There's a sense that there's a carefully constructed wall between us, and I like it that way. It feels safe.

Example: he grew up in Chardon, OH. Was so badly bullied in grammar school that he begged his parents to send him to a very expensive private school instead of Chardon High School. The events of this past week have him pretty rattled, I know. I sent him a sympathetic text and got involved in a discussion he started on Facebook about parenting and the shooting. That's it. For a most of my "friends", I'd have been on the phone at least, and bringing over a pint of Ben & Jerry's and a box of Kleenex for many. I'm not disinterested, but I'm not that person to him any more.

[hajario]

My ex-wife is my best friend.

[rhubarbarin]

Yes, of course - I've seen it work well, many times. Sometimes it's always a different kind of friendship than one that's always been truly platonic, but that's okay. Personally my platonic friendships have varying degrees of emotional intimacy anyway.

I recently left the only LTR I've ever been in, and I hope to always stay in touch with my ex in some capacity. I care for him deeply and he is a wonderful and interesting person; I just didn't want to be in an exclusive romantic relationship with him anymore. Spending time together without being a couple has been much easier than I thought it would be, so far... but then we're both exceptionally nice and reasonable people.

[black rabbit]

One nighters? Sure, in an extremely superficial way.

Couple-monthers? Totally, in the sense that if we run in to each other at a bar or something, we'll catch up for a minute or two.

Long termers? No way. Too much water under the bridge.

I truly don't get it when people are besties with former spouses, or effective spouses.

[raspberry hunter]

In principle this is apparently possible. My sister's done it. My husband's done it. I have three ex-boyfriends and I've been able to be friends with none of them, which I'm kind of sad about (especially the one who was a really good friend before we started dating).

[AClockworkMelon]

Yep. My ex-husband even attended my wedding & took the pictures.

My ex-wife is my best friend.I'm not really intending to judge, but these are mind-boggling to me.

[janis_and_c0]

Lemme see if I can 'splain. I love my ex. I always will. I care deeply about him. I just can't be married to, or live with, him. My current husband understands this. (they're friends, too) Was it akward at first? Oh yes. But we eventually got to a place where we can be friends, and it was worth it. I'm not in love with, or even really attracted to him. But, I get to be a part of his life, and he, mine without all the married people drama. We're much better off being friends. That's really the way it should have been in the first place.

[DianaG]

I'm not really intending to judge, but these are mind-boggling to me.
See, that would be mind-boggling to me about some of my exes, but others not so much. Maybe it's a matter of how many exes one has accumulated, and why. :)

[Lord Ashtar]

I'm good friends with one of my exes. We live on opposite sides of the country and only talk on the phone a few times a year, but we genuinely care about each other and I count her among my best friends.

I tried to pull off being friends with another ex. In the end, I decided that it was a bad idea.

The rest of my exes I've not kept in contact with, nor have I really wanted to.

[Ephemera]

I'm not really intending to judge, but these are mind-boggling to me.

I don't get why this is mind-boggling to you. These are people that were once one of the most important people in your life, if not the most important. Just because you're no longer fucking doesn't mean that they can't still be. I, myself, am still best friends with a guy I put my dick in a couple years ago, and have in the past been pretty good friends with a number of other people who have similarly had my dick in them.

[Rachellelogram]

I can't. Even in my first real life relationship, I severed before I'd ever heard the term before.

I believe it's possible for some people, given a long enough time to heal post-relationship, but most people who want to be friends with their exes are doing so too quickly out of guilt or because they still love their ex. Better to steer clear of it altogether.

[jjimm]

I'm not really intending to judge, but these are mind-boggling to me.I'm guessing you never had a long-term relationship end amicably by mutual consent.

ETA: the apostrophe in the thread title is giving me hives.

[Manda JO]

I'm friends with five out of my six exes, i don't see why not.

Right there is why not for me. I don't have but about five friend "slots" in my life as it is: if I were friends with five exes, that would be my whole slate.

Now, I am friendly with a lot more people, but who has time for more than five friends?

I don't really have any exes, but I can't imagine anything that would break me and my husband up that wouldn't also make it impossible for us to be close. He's my husband in the same way my sister is my sister: anything that would make her "not my sister" anymore would be something that would make her totally alien to me.

[WhyNot]

I don't get why this is mind-boggling to you. These are people that were once one of the most important people in your life, if not the most important. Just because you're no longer fucking doesn't mean that they can't still be. I, myself, am still best friends with a guy I put my dick in a couple years ago, and have in the past been pretty good friends with a number of other people who have similarly had my dick in them.
The reason I'm not friends with more exes doesn't have anything to do with sex. It generally has to do with whatever reason they're my ex, and not my current. Most of the time, if someone is an ex, it's because he treated me poorly, or because I was embarrassingly insane at him at some point. In neither case is there reason to maintain a friendship.

There are plenty of people I've had sex with who I'm still friendly with; I just don't consider them my "exes", as we never had a real relationship. But I acknowledge that my sex life has been unconventional.

ETA: the apostrophe in the thread title is giving me hives.

Me too. Gigantic hive's.

[Telemark]

My best friend is an ex. We were good friends before we got together, were together for about 5 years, and had a mutual breakup because we both knew we weren't right for each other. After about a year of awkwardness we resumed the activities we always enjoyed together, like skiing, biking, movies, dinner. We have the same circle of friends so we see each other at least once a week.

My GF loves her, I really like my ex's BF (both long term) and it's not awkward at all. I've usually had good relations with my ex's although not all have kept in touch as much. Only one was a really bad breakup and she moved to Alaska so that one hasn't been as successful.

The qualities that made us friends still exist, and we're all mature enough to deal with some awkwardness that occasionally shows up. It's worth it to me to have these relationships in my life.

[JRDelirious]

Inspiring Thread (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=643894). Not sure how to make the plural: "exes" looks kind of funny to me.

Added the poll for the hell of it, but the focus here should be on the posts more than the poll questions.

Well, as to the question: Yes, but it's absolutly a person-by-person, case-by-case thing, there's no universal rule and every experience has very limited portability to another person or situation even for oneself.

[mage-girl]

I was the one who said "no, and I have personal experience to back me up."

This may have more to do with me than the state of romance/relationships in general. I didn't have a strong positive male figure in my life as I grew up, so the way I relate to men is a little off.

My most recent boyfriend first broke it off by saying, "I think you're too maternal." Then, "I'm not attracted to you." Which was funny, because he certainly, er, appeared to be attracted to me. And that should have been the end of it. We were to remain friends, do the adult thing.

In reality he waffled. Maybe we could try again, maybe not. He moved away; I was his sole contact with his old group of friends. I got my hopes up.

After a couple years of this (I know! I know! DUR!) I asked him again, point-blank, if there was ever any possibility of getting together again. He said no, never.

I was so hurt, but I know I should have seen the situation more clearly. I know from prior dating experience I can't remain friends; if I like someone, I can't "unlike" them and treat them like everyone else. It's not an ability I have.

Currently not in a relationship (thank goodness!). :D

[John DiFool]

Well, as to the question: Yes, but it's absolutly a person-by-person, case-by-case thing, there's no universal rule and every experience has very limited portability to another person or situation even for oneself.

Right-perhaps I need to control my natural tendency to let my mouse pointer wander close to the "poll" checkbox, but I guess just can't control myself. :cool:

[KarlGrenze]

I've seen it done in my family, to the point that, when mom was hospitalized and dad needed someone who could rush and keep her company while he went to work, his first call was to his first wife ("auntie").

Granted, at this point about 30 years had passed or so since they divorced. I've heard it was rough the first few years, but I was not around then, and I'm glad it worked its way. I love my auntie very much.

I've also seen it not work.

Currently, for myself, I'm on friendly terms with a sort of ex (if we both were in the same zip code, we could be friends or be back together), and in a "I don't want to see your face again" terms with another.

[SecondJudith]

I like most of my exes and enjoy spending time with them; that's why I went out with them. I don't understand what about them suddenly changes when we split up that's supposed to make me not like them any more! I'm not best friends with any of them, but that's more because none of them live in London so I don't see them very often.

[SciFiSam]

The reason I'm not friends with more exes doesn't have anything to do with sex. It generally has to do with whatever reason they're my ex, and not my current. Most of the time, if someone is an ex, it's because he treated me poorly, or because I was embarrassingly insane at him at some point. In neither case is there reason to maintain a friendship.

The exes that are like that are, for me, no longer friends, and I kick myself for ever being with them. But I have other exes where we broke up for completely different reasons - we just grew apart or were at different stages in our lives - too different to be together, not so different that we can't be friends.

And they're definitely real friends. My most recent ex (that a lot of Dopers have met) is still one of my best friends. We were together for six years and I thought we'd need a cooling-off stage, but that ended up not happening and it's been fine. We still see each other about once a week.

For a few months before we broke up, we'd essentially been friends anyway. Friends who had sex occasionally, but something indefinable had changed so that it was more of a platonic affection than romantic. That seems to be pretty common IME of my own break-ups and my friends'.

[Filbert]

I have only one 'real' ex- we lived together for 2.5 years. I don't see very much of him, but only because I moved about 6 hours drive away. We never fell out- at all, we just both stopped wanting the relationship, at the same time. I told him I thought I'd move out on the wednesday, but we'd bought tickets to an event on the sunday, so I stayed living there 'til then. Was a really fun day, we both enjoyed it.
I was back round to pick up a few things I forgot a week later, bought his sister's birthday present the week after that, and (admittedly accidently) introduced him to his next girlfriend a month or so later. That was a little awkward, but only because I worked with the guy she dumped for him. I'm on reasonably terms with his current girlfriend, though as I say, I rarely actually see them, and I don't talk much online with her. It's been about 8 years since we broke up now, so I doubt she cares.

No cooling off period, no drama- I like him as a person, just have no desire to sleep with him any more. I that supposed to be weird?

That reminds me- it's his turn in Facebook scrabble. :)