Box Of Mystery Unearthed: Buried Treasure Or A Dead Cat?

[Hal Briston]

My girlfriend was just doing some digging in a corner of our yard, getting ready to do some planting. A foot or so down, she hit a small, cherrywood box, about 6"x4"x3", locked with a small padlock. There is no plaque or anything else to identify the contents. She says shaking it shows there's definitely somthing in there, but she can't tell what.

I won't be home until this evening, and we have to rush out right away, so I might not get a chance to open it until tomorrow. So until then, what do you think -- did a previous resident bury their precious jewels or are we going to find the cremated remains of a family pet?

[Kimballkid]

They're probably remains, but I'll be they ain't cremated.

[Scumpup]

Too small for a cat. What you have there is probably your basic dead hamster.

[VunderBob]

Pandora's Box, 2nd edition.

[Wargamer]

I vote for a moldy diary detailing some young girl's unrequited love for Bobby Sherman circa 1974.

[Jackmannii]

A foot or so down, she hit a small, cherrywood box, about 6"x4"x3", locked with a small padlock.I could understand burying pet remains in a nice box, but what's with the padlock?*

*unless there's something out of a Stephen King story locked in there, in which case DO NOT OPEN THE BOX. :eek:

[Ethilrist]

Zombie hamster. Explains everything. Bring a shotgun if you're going to open it.

[Algher]

Check the lost pet notices from Mr. Schrodinger.

[Hal Briston]

I'm not so much puzzled by the padlock as the fact that the key is attached.

I mean, if you padlock a box, you presumably want to be the only one to be able to open it, so you hang on to the key. But this makes no sense -- either you don't padlock it, or you padlock it and hide the key.

Strange.

[elbows]

Might I suggest, just to be careful, have a crucifix on hand, and maybe a wooden spike.

I'm just sayin, better safe than sorry.

Pictures please!

(And I'm guessing journals and currency - but old unusable currency!)

(PS. I feel the OP should have insisted anyone posting, to his thread, should have to take a guess at the contents of the box!)

[Frodo]

don't open it!, it's the last seal remaining after Velma opened The Cooler of Death (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=177712&) in 2003!

[Scumpup]

If it is a wooden box in good enough condition for you to be able to identify it as cherry , it can't have been in the ground for too long.

[Hypno-Toad]

Could be a time capsule. Or a map to an underground museum of humanity for any post apocalyptic alien visitors.

[BigDadWolf]

That sounds just like the box containing our dearly departed dog's cremated remains (RIP Ranger - you were one good dog). My hunch is you will find a plastic bag containing ashes inside the box.

[billfish678]

cremated hookers (and hopefully some blow)?

[Leaffan]

It's a hamster, for sure.

[Anne Neville]

I could understand burying pet remains in a nice box, but what's with the padlock?*

*unless there's something out of a Stephen King story locked in there, in which case DO NOT OPEN THE BOX. :eek:

Wouldn't there be some signs to ward off evil on the box, in that case?

[FairyChatMom]

cremated hookers (and hopefully some blow)?

Just don't confuse the 2 baggies in that case...

[tdn]

It's treasure. 28 cents in small bills, to be specific.

[Gatopescado]

Teeth.

[Joey P]

Until you open the box, couldn't the cat still be alive?

[Freudian Slit]

I'm not so much puzzled by the padlock as the fact that the key is attached.

I mean, if you padlock a box, you presumably want to be the only one to be able to open it, so you hang on to the key. But this makes no sense -- either you don't padlock it, or you padlock it and hide the key.

Strange.

If there was a key, why did you guys wait to open it?

[Der Trihs]

It's the previous owner's phylactery.

[Capt Kirk]

Weird padlock with the key? I am thinking Evil Dead for sure

[Crown Prince of Irony]

cremated hookers (and hopefully some blow)?

I have it on good authority that hooker cremains make an excellent medium to cut down high-quality Peruvian blow.

[Hal Briston]

If there was a key, why did you guys wait to open it?Because I'm not home!



Patience of a saint, that woman has.

[Balance]

Wouldn't there be some signs to ward off evil on the box, in that case?
They'd be on the inside of the box. Trust me, I know mystery boxes. :D

I'm not so much puzzled by the padlock as the fact that the key is attached.

I mean, if you padlock a box, you presumably want to be the only one to be able to open it, so you hang on to the key. But this makes no sense -- either you don't padlock it, or you padlock it and hide the key.

Strange.
Unless you're only concerned with keeping whatever is in the box from unlocking it.

[Snickers]

Jesus, you're a right bastard, teasing us like this. Seriously. There's no payoff until probably tomorrow evening! Which, since I don't generally read the Board on weekends, I won't see until Monday, by which time the world will already have ended because you've already unleashed whatever evil's in that box. Thanks a lot.

There's only one answer: you have to cancel whatever it is tonight to get over there and open it. It's just polite.

[Hal Briston]

There's only one answer: you have to cancel whatever it is tonight to get over there and open it. It's just polite.Well, knowing myself the way that I do, I don't see there's any way I'll be able to avoid taking a minute to pop the box open and see what's inside.

Of course, I won't have time to post the results until tomorrow...

[G0sp3l]

It's the Horn of Valere! It was locked away against mankind's greatest need!!
That it's been found means the Last Battle™ is nearly upon us!

no worry though, the last battle has been approaching for more than twenty years and it's not a day closer

[RalfCoder]

I'm not so much puzzled by the padlock as the fact that the key is attached.


I hate to burst anyone's bubble, but where did the OP say the key was attached?:confused:

That said, I'm betting it's a hamster. Or was, any way. You'll open the box, and you'll hear a tiny, squeaky voice say, "Who dares disturb the slumber of Mr. Fluffy the Third?". And it'd be damned impressive, if only the voice didn't sound like Herve Villechaize sucking helium.

[Cheesesteak]

Ok, the padlock is to keep it securely closed, but it does not need to be locked (or a lock would be easily broken), so you leave the key with it, for convenient reopening. I'm guessing the box does not have a latch, just a hasp.

This significantly increases the likelihood of finding cremains, since the padlock is not a clue to the contents. Of course, if it was cremains, why would you care about needing to reopen it with the key? .... maybe to prevent grave robbers from bashing open Fluffy's casket in an effort to discover buried treasure?

However, I'm going to go for the fences and say it's something moderately valuable, coins, maybe cash, worth more than a fancy dinner out, less than an iPad.

[congodwarf]

That was the OP you quoted, saying that the key was attached.

[RalfCoder]

DOH!!!:smack::smack::smack:

Never mind. I'm going back to my dark little cell, and wait until the box is opened tomorrow night.

[congodwarf]

In your defense, the OP didn't say it in the OP. :D

[Zebra]

They left the key on it so the angels could open the box and let the hamster into heaven.




and Hal, your wife just wants you in between her and the box when it opens.

[2nd Law]

It could be a frog (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1vH2rjUshk) in the box.

[Kimballkid]

Hal, your wife just wants you in between her and the box when it opens.

Girlfriend. I think Hal is now divorced from his wife.

[Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor]

Box Of Mystery Unearthed: Buried Treasure Or A Dead Cat?

Why can't it be both?

[teela brown]

If it were valuable, like money or treasure, the key would not be with it. It's a pet, and mom or dad tossed the key into the hole when junior wasn't looking so that the presence of a coffin key wouldn't inspire a later clandestine exhumation.

[sitchensis]

If the box is in good condition yet it’s full of cremains, will you dump them out and keep the box?

[Missy2U]

Hal, I asked my husband (who knows everything - he really does - he TOLD me he does and I believe him) and he said it's the lost episodes of Dragnet. I am not sure HOW he knows, but he said that's what it is. And they're not on DVD - they're probably Beta videotapes. Although traditional VCR tapes COULD be possible, but he really is feeling it's Beta.

Sorry if we spoiled the surprise. :D

He also said to enjoy them - we heard they're good episodes.

[Freudian Slit]

If it were valuable, like money or treasure, the key would not be with it. It's a pet, and mom or dad tossed the key into the hole when junior wasn't looking so that the presence of a coffin key wouldn't inspire a later clandestine exhumation.

Well, showed them all right!

[Count Blucher]

After much speculation and years of searching it has actually been found, and in NJ...

Here lies the final resting place of Stuart Little. :(






Dibbs on the invisible car...!

[Northern Piper]

I'm not sure we should be speculating about the contents of Hal's girlfriend's box on a public forum... :o

[Hal Briston]

The mystery....REVEALED:

Yeah, it was a bag of dead animal (at least I hope it was animal) ashes.However, The Littlest Briston does not yet know that we peeked. She'll be home from school in about 20 minutes, and we've made a bit of a replacement to the contents. The video of the results will be posted shortly after.



(...and stored away for her future therapy sessions.)

[Gagundathar]

<long inductance rigmarole redacted for sanity's sake>

You will give us the link to the video.

You will give us the link to the video.

You will give us the link to the video.

Obey

Obey

Obey

<insert finger snapping sound>

Ah there, Mr. Briston. How do we feel now?

[Leaffan]

I hope you replaced the ashes with a spring-loaded snake or something.

[Hal Briston]

I hope you replaced the ashes with a spring-loaded snake or something.Yeah, right...like I'd let off with that little mental trauma.

[Merneith]

"We've replaced the regular ashes in this box with genuine live jumping spiders. Let's see if she notices!"

[Hal Briston]

Oh, that went so beautifully (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sscQGHWRZsI")...

[lisacurl]

don't open it!, it's the last seal remaining after Velma opened The Cooler of Death (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=177712&) in 2003!Dammit, I was thinking the same thing, and beat to the archivist reference! :D

[enipla]

Oh, that went so beautifully (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sscQGHWRZsI)...Great job.

[Hakuna Matata]

great job! My wife and I enjoyed that :)

[a35362]

HOW could you tease such a SWEET little girl? (Okay, it's not really teasing. But WOW she's a cutie.)

Why am I thinking you had blond hair? Why am I thinking you're supposed to look like Philip Seymour Hoffman?

[psychobunny]

Shades of Giraffe and the infamous sandwich. Excellent touch!

[Morbo]

Sublime.

[Lord Il Palazzo]

Well played, sir. Well played.

[Revtim]

Nice one!

[Clothahump]

Oh, that went so beautifully...

Hal, you are a sick, sick man.

I bow before your Evil Parentness.

[Hal Briston]

Thanks much, all. Since I know some folks are adverse to clicking on anything posted on facebook, here's a YouTube version (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sscQGHWRZsI).

[davidm]

Oh, that went so beautifully...
I'm tempted to share that on FB.

That could easily go viral.

[Hal Briston]

I'm tempted to share that on FB.Be my guest -- I have no problem inspiring others to torture their offspring. :)

However, please use the YouTube version (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sscQGHWRZsI) -- I'm making the facebook version "friends only".

(Actually, I'm going to request a mod edit the original URL to be the YouTube one)

[davidm]

They need to also edit the posts that quoted that link. Mine still has the FB link.

[twickster]

They need to also edit the posts that quoted that link. Mine still has the FB link.

Got 'em.

[Cicero]

I was thunking the previous male owner had had a vasectomy and indeed the box did contain the family jewels.

[Lynn Bodoni]

A vasectomy doesn't remove the jewels, it just disconnects them. You're thinking of an orchidectomy, which does remove the jewels.

[panache45]

So Schrödinger's cat was actually a cat sandwich?

[Hal Briston]

So, since the box has been opened I've had a terrible sciatica flare-up, a brutally pulled bicep muscle and now I'll be missing today from work because of the horrible cough that's developed.

Damn "sanctity of the grave" curses...

[USCDiver]

A vasectomy doesn't remove the jewels, it just disconnects them. You're thinking of an orchidectomy, which does remove the jewels.

HA! That's more of a gardening procedure. Not related to orchiectomy!

Unless we want to coin a new euphemism, "She kicked me in my orchids!"

[IvoryTowerDenizen]

Just saw the video- masterpiece!

I've been waiting for this thread and the "'Raiders of the Lost Ark' What happened when it opened'" thread to go sequential.

[lavenderviolet]

That was great! Congrats on raising a sensible kid who knows better than to eat buried sandwiches. :)

[Lynn Bodoni]

HA! That's more of a gardening procedure. Not related to orchiectomy!

Unless we want to coin a new euphemism, "She kicked me in my orchids!" Orchidectomy (http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/orchidectomy) is a variant of orchiectomy...and it's the version that I learned. Grandma was an operating room nurse, and she frequently told me about medical things. To this day, I still do some things with a sterile procedure. For instance, Grandma taught me to open cans from the bottom, as the top might have dirt or dust or whatever on it. Nowadays, most cans can only be opened from the top, as the bottom is rounded for easier stacking, so I tend to store my cans upside down.

For euphemisms, I prefer "kicked in the old sock drawer" from Monstrous Regiment (our hero<ine> is passing for male in the military, and uses a pair of socks to add a bulge where she lacks one).

[USCDiver]

Orchidectomy (http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/orchidectomy) is a variant of orchiectomy...and it's the version that I learned.

Interesting. I didn't know that!

[Lynn Bodoni]

And I didn't know that orchiectomy is the more common variant until fairly recently.

[mlees]

Ooooh honey, the dog peed on the picnic basket! Don't eat the sandwiches!

[Boulter's Canary]

Until you open the box, couldn't the cat still be alive?

“In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the
cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat
could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious."

― Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies

[Indyellen]

Hal, you are a sick and twisted individual, and I admire you greatly. :D

[Mean Mr. Mustard]

Link (http://i1128.photobucket.com/albums/m493/Stephanie_Stull/Tumbler%20GIFs/citizenkane.gif)


mmm

[Soylent Juicy]

Pure genius.

[Makeitstop]

Sorry, someone has to say it. *puts on Brad Pitt mask and pulls a gun on the OP*

WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!

Edit: I know what was in there. But I had to make the Se7en reference.

[Lynn Bodoni]

Hal, you are a sick and twisted individual, and I admire you greatly. :D I showed the video to my husband last night, and he also admired it.

[Runs With Scissors]

Oh, that went so beautifully (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sscQGHWRZsI")...

Holy shit, you look exactly like I've imagined you all these years.