Shirley's first Writing contest...open to all.

[Shirley Ujest]

I've stolen this idea from Writer's Digest's monthly writing contest. http://www.writersdigest.com

You've found a missing entry from the diary of your favorite well-known literary character. What insight does this lend to the character's
motives? Would this previously unknown revelation change the story? Perhaps Romeo just wanted Juliet's family's fortune. Maybe while in Wonderland, Alice made a unique acquaintance not mentioned by Lewis Carroll. There's no need to rewrite the book; please keep entries, including title, to 75 words or less.

You are looking for a good excuse to ignore that pile of papers to your left, avoid being delegated to an piss ant assignment that you would volunteer for in a million years, then look no farther. Aunt Shirley is here to help you waste your day away while you look like a busy little beaver.

Submit as many times as you like.

Bribes are accepted. Cash only.

Depending on the response, I'll announce a winner probably Saturday afternoon.

[Shirley Ujest]

Here is my entry that I submitted to WD. With apologies to Moby Dick

"Dear Diary,

Sharing a room tonight with a nice enough guy, even though he didn't seem to be impressed with my Franklin Mint Shrunken Head's collection.

He introduced himself as, " Call me Ishmael." I retorted,
"Call me Shirley." That broke the ice.

Ishy was going to sign on with the SS Minnow until I convinced him that Starbuck,the first mates coffee on the Pequod, makes better coffee than the Professor.

Fondly,

Queequeg "

[Shirley Ujest]

Here is my entry that I submitted to WD. With apologies to Moby Dick

"Dear Diary,

Sharing a room tonight with a nice enough guy, even though he didn't seem to be impressed with my Franklin Mint Shrunken Head's collection.

He introduced himself as, " Call me Ishmael." I retorted,
"Call me Shirley." That broke the ice.

Ishy was going to sign on with the SS Minnow until I convinced him that Starbuck,the first mates on the Pequod, makes better coffee than the Professor.

Fondly,

Queequeg "

[matt_mcl]

Dear Diary,

we met again tonight. Still separated by the wall of family and bloodlines. Oh, how I hate these stupid rules! If only there was a way to peer through the wall like Thisbe, to see the fire in my Montague's eyes, that breathtaking energy that I saw again today. I pray only that it will not end as that story did, but if it must I should happily die on his sword. Why do I stay loyal to this family when it separates me from my sweet Romeo?

I will win him. We will flee together, to some distant part where Montague and Capulet are but words. Ah, how I long for that day!

Yours faithfully,

Tybalt.

[matt_mcl]

Dear diary,

Sick of this pilgrimage. Sick of that disgusting miller who makes dirty jokes and leers at me. Sick of that crooked, snotty pardoner and his little bum-boy summoner. Sick of that goodygood knight. I swear if that prioress' little mutt doesn't quit yapping at all hours of the night I'll break its fucking neck. And that Jeff guy goes on and on and he can't speak bloody English.

Yrs,
Tiffany Bath (Mrs.)

[matt_mcl]

Dear diary,

having a fabulous time here in the French Quarter. Passing pretty well. Stella's keeping mum, even to that big, strong, sweaty, muscular (oooooh, girl!) brute of a husband of hers. Was afraid when he went into my things that he'd find the falsies and jockstraps, but distracted him with flirting. He's delish, but he scares me a little.

Oops, must go now. Got to wax before Stanley gets back from work.

Kisses!
Blaine

[matt_mcl]

Dear Diary,

getting more and more convinced that Dan just wants me for my body.

Yrs,
Beatrice

[Danalan]

Dear Diary,

Well, they're all finally gone over the sea. Now I can unleash the full power of The Ring, and rule all. Who knew that Gollum, with so many lesser rings on him, would cause Mt. Doom to erupt? Acting as that bastard Frodo's slave for years had it's advantages, though -- the battle of wills with Sauron was tough. I'll keep this finger to remember it by. Can't wait to see 'Strider' piss his pants when I command him to turn over the Kingdom!

Later,
Sam

[Mercutio]

Dear Penthouse,

Oh crap..... ::looks around:: damn! Wrong thread again, sorry. ::walks out and slams the door::

[HannibalV]

Dear Diary,

Pikachu! Pika pika pika pikaCHU! Pikachu pikachu pikachu, pika pika pikachu.

Pikachu!

God, I need my meds.

[Eutychus]

Dear Diary,

I can't believe they fell for that 'nanny' crap! And the dad's a banker as well, so this place has got to be loaded. I'll have this place emptied out and be out of here by the time the wind changes.

Practically Perfectly Yours,

Mary Poppins

[trippy]

Dear Diary,

I go walking the streets of the city again. I hear the whispers as they go by. "There's the walking dude", "That Randall Flagg, he scares me". Why? I give them fun, I give them a place where they aren't freaks, a playground where their desires run free, and they can be anything they want.
So why do they say these things? I've even saved some of their lives. What, is the trashcan man, that mentsal defective, better off in the pre-plague world? Yeah, sure he is. I suppose Lloyd's better off eating rat and starving to death in a freakin cell too. I made these people. I made this place.

That black bitch has got to go. I've tried getting into her head, but she just calls out to Jesus. Blind bitch, he isn't going to save her. He'd just as soon turn a blind eye to her cries. I could give her unlimited power, but she'd never take it. Coward. All of those people are idiots, following that dumbass. "I'm 103 years oid and still break my own bread.." Yeah, yeah, yeah. Try controlling a bowel movement, then I'll be impressed.

Well, the plans continue, I'll write later, we're making good progress on the restoring of vegas, but I just know those Denver people are gonna mess with it. Bunch of rejects those Denver idiots.

--R.F.

[Gyrate]

Dear Diary,

I had that dream about Ron again, with the same result as last time. Fortunately the cleaning spell worked; I don't know if I could have explained the stains to the house elves again. I don't know how much longer I can hide my true feelings from him...

Harry

[Gyrate]

Diary, I divorced him. The big hairy git.

[Francesca]

Dear Diary,

God, i just love winding Ophelia up. I mean, she must know i'm just kidding, right?

The Dane

[iampunha]

Dear Diary:

The end grows near . . . soon I'll be captured and killed for being myself. Why is anyone's guess . . . the things they accuse me of, others do. The names people call me are theirs, not mine.

Oh, how I wish I could show them the true way. The way God really intended . . . the natural way. Animals do it . . . why can't humans too? We are animals, after all.

I will go to the cross knowing I have kept my homosexuality a secret.

Blessed kisses,

Joshua

[flodnak]

Dear Diary,

Damn it! Damn it all to hell! My plan nearly worked! There they were, writhing in their death throes, all of them - I had the crown in hand! And then that snotty little brat Fortinbras just had to show up. Spoiled everything I'd been working for.

Back to the old drawing board, I guess. Say, I wonder if Claudius had any henbane left over...

Yours,
Horatio

[Gyrate]

Dear Diary,

The kids were at it again, and my ribs are killing me. EVERY SINGLE TIME I lie down, it's <wham> <wham> <wham>, there they are, regular as clockwork. How many times do I have to tell them to stop hopping on me?!?

I have to go call the doctor now -- I think my spleen is ruptured.

Pop

[CrankyAsAnOldMan]

Dear Diary,

It happened again. Just like it happens every day. I could weep with the sheer frustration of it all. I was nearly overcome by the desire to wrap my hands around his throat, knocking that ridiculous wool plaid hat off his head as I squeeze the life from his body. How hard can it be to get a name right? It's elementary, Inspector Holmes!

Yours,

Watkins.

[ChiefScott]

Dear diary,

The bitch came back with the WWW's broomstick! Now I gotta shit a heart, a brain and some courage from somewhere. Not to mention getting her home somehow.

Hmmm. I wonder if she'll put out?

The Great and Powerful Oz

[Spoons]

Dear Diary,

Today, I finally got all those knights out of here. Always running around practicing swordplay, bragging about their prowess with maidens, riding horses in the house--it gets a little tiring, not to mention noisy and messy after a while. Had to come up with some plan to distract them so I sent them to look for the Holy Grail. That'll keep them busy for a while!

Looking forward to a nice, relaxing weekend,

Arthur

[Spoons]

April, 1984

Dear Diary,

Julia wants to meet again in the room over the shop later today. Frankly, I'd much rather see what's happening at the Junior Anti-Sex League rally, then watch our forces' latest major war victory on the telescreen.

I just wish Julia could see that Big Brother is a pretty good guy overall, and Goldstein is the true enemy, but for some reason, she won't. Well, I guess I'll humour her for now, but I'll only do it to gather evidence against her. Maybe I'll have enough by May to turn her in.

Winston

[Tretiak]

Dear Diary,

My identity crisis continues. I find myslef isolated from the a world that neither accepts me or understands me. That is why I had to leave. But now I am a man out of place, isolated from the world that rejected me. Am I to blame? Who am I?

John Galt

[Saint Zero]

Dear Diary...

Why do I listen to her? All she does is nag. "You can do better than this" and "I'm always embarrased to tell Mother how we're doing."
It's not like I'm sitting on my butt doing nothing. I serve the government faithfully, following Duncan's orders to the letter...

Wait... Glamis is rebelling, and I've been called to put the rebellion down. Alright, maybe this will shut her up. Do a good job here, maybe I'll get his land too. Yeah, that'll shut her up.

Macbeth

[Peta Tzunami]

Today is the day. Dr. Kingsmen thinks I'm ready--says it's all in my head anyway. Today I SHALL conquer my fear of heights. I am NOT afraid.

Besides, I've decided that round bottom or no, I can sit up high on that wall and leisurely watch all the horses in the meadow. What could possibly happen? I can always get down, right?

[FallenAngel]

I smacked Zoey tonight. I don’t care if she does have post pardem, the bitch has to learn you never, under any circumstances, jump into the middle of my solo on “Subterranean Homesick Blues.” Once the swelling goes down we’ll talk.

Eddie had the nerve to tell me I was drinking too much. Well, fucking-duh! Like you don’t know there’s a problem when your infant keeps quoting passages from the “Big Blue Book.”

Jake

[pepperlandgirl]

Dear Diary,

The natives here aren't as stupid as we thought. At first I thought I could become their ruler, but I think it is the other way around. Why do I feel compelled to impress them? I want to prove to them that we Europeans are unstoppable and indestructable, but they aren't buying it. They laugh at me.

In other news, I hear that there is an English bloke coming to "rescue" me. Interesting. I don't think the natives will let me go though. They are having too much fun playing with me. I hope we can escape this place. He'll never know, and he shouldn't know, the horrible things I've done and seen others do.

I am forced to ask myself, what am I doing here? I can't help but feel that we Europeans are not as smart as we think we are.

Kurtz

[pepperlandgirl]

Ooops, didn't notice the 75 words or less rule. Sorry.

[Persephone]

Dear Diary,

I've had it with this "bear of very little brain" crap. This "little brain's" crystal meth lab is making me more dough than those fuzz-for-brains ever dreamed of. I'm gonna buy out this Hundred Acre Wood and turn it in to one hundred acres of strip mall, massage parlors, and after-hours clubs.

Little brain. Heh. I'll show them. I'll show them all.

WTP

[OrcaChow]

Dear Diary,

Another $20,000 stashed away in the Swiss bank account. The monthly sales trips to Buffalo are a complete drag, but it's the perfect cover for the gun-running to the Canadian French-Separatists. And my "dementia?" Ha! Just busy figuring out how to set up the villa on Martinique as a Chapter 29, Subsection 14b business deduction.

It's flawless. No one--not even my boy, Biff--will ever know.

Willie

[OrcaChow]

Dear Diary,

Sick of the "retard" routine, though it pays for room and board (and beats the hell out of getting drafted to 'Nam). I'm hoping the Institute will soon put me on a per diem so I can eat at decent restaurants, though I'd better not use any Latin phrases at this point. Better call it, "A Spennnding Allow-wunce."

And Algernon peed in my hand again. He's dead meat.

Chuck

[Fenris]

Dear Diary,

Offed another 4 kids today. The fifth trap misfired. But...get this...I got the kid and his Grandpa Joe to bring the entire family back! Three of 'em are even bedridden! I've never killed old people before. This could be a nice change. And, there'll be more meat on them. The Vermicious Knids will like that.

Hurry back Charlie. I've got plenty of nice, fattening chocolate for you and the Oompa-Loompas want to...play..

Willie

[pepperlandgirl]

Dear Diary,
That bitch is after Ashley still! I cannot believe the nerve of that woman. I've been trying to guilt her into letting go for years, but it's not working. Time to implement Plan B. When that Simpering Southern Belle Bitch least expects it....BAM!!!!
Melanie

[OrcaChow]

Dear Diary,

That Romeo geek is still stalking me! He's like hanging out below my balcony all night and going, "And Juliet is the son." Guyyyyy, like I'm a daughter, not a son? HELLOOO? WHAT - IS - HIS - MALFUNCTION?!?

If he doesn't stop soon, I'm like gonna hafta fake a death or something. Ish. At least it'll get me outa gym.

More later,
J.

[delphica]

Dear Diary,

We're moving AGAIN ... why can't Pa keep a job? I'm beginning to wonder why he calls me "Half Pint" -- I found an empty half pint bottle under the wagon last week, just before we learned we had to leave town. It's even worse now that I have to pack for Mary, she keeps pulling this "Ooooh, I'm blind, pity me!" act. If I complain, Ma tells me to act like a lady. I try to explain to her that she has become an enabler, but she won't listen to reason.

Yrs,
Laura

[Enderw24]

Dear diary,

Life sure gets lonely out here. I'm so starved for companionship, last night I grabbed one of those migrant workers and had my way with him. He squealed like a pig the whole time. Charley refuses to come near me. He doesn't wag his tail as often as he used to. Things are gonna change tomorrow.

John Steinbeck.

[Enderw24]

Dear diary,

See dick write. Write Dick, write. Dick writes good.

Dick

[Eutychus]

Dear Diary,

Discovered something interesting a few years ago. God did it. Life's a bitch, huh?

Yours,

R. Dawkins

[McMurphy]

Dear Diary

Shopping List for Tomorrows Magick Ceremony

1) Chickens Blood (semi-skimmed)
2) Pentagrams (medium sized, red)
3) 3 virgins (large)
4) hoods
5) Book: [i]Cavorting for beginners - Alaistair Crowley[i]

Noe to Self: Remove Voodoo Doll & burn it before Liz sees it.

John Proctor.

[Fenris]

Dear Diary,

Would you believe it? All that grief and tsuris for what? A lousy $5.00 overdue parking ticket. Next time I just plead guilty and mail in the damn fine.

Joseph K.

[Peta Tzunami]

[bump] Oh Shirley....any winner selected yet?

[Shirley Ujest]

Hi hi hi. I have been sidetracked by a household of flu. Yeah. what fun!

These were good,people.

And the winners of a four way tie are, selected randomly:

1- Cranky as an old man for Dr. Watson's revenge against Sherlock Holmes.

2. Eutyhus' Mary Poppins the con woman

3. Francesca's - Winding up Ophelia (great title for an album...)

4. Jr. 8's - stop Hop on pop.

[Shirley Ujest]

An honorable mention goes to Cheif Scott's take on The Great and Powerful Oz's diary. Heh. Very good.

Everyone here who participated receives an A plus. Winners will receive a get out of jail card.(Not valid for situations out of a monopoly board.)

[Saint Zero]

Drat. When's the next one? :)