Crazy Fenris's Used Soul Appraisals

[Fenris]

It has come to my attention (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=72017) that some Dopers don't know the value of their souls. How can they sell their souls to Lucifer if they don't know it's worth?

"Gosh" you say "I don't know what my soul is worth! How can I sell my soul to Satan if I don't know what I can get for it? Is it worth Diamonds? Rubies? Nude Jell-o wrestlers? Or is my soul only worth a pair of used underpants (and not the good kind of used underpants either)?"

CRAZY FENRIS can HELP YOU!

For a mere 05% of your soul, CRAZY FENRIS will give you the Straight Dope on Satan's USED SOUL bluebook! More information means more bargaining power! Get that addition to your mansion! Hold out for the Chief Justice post!

YES! YES! YES! YES! I'll give you The Straight Dope! Yes, I'll let you in on Satan's main bargaining chip! Yes! I'm gonna fry for this.

"But Fenris!" I hear you cry "Only 05% of my soul? Such a small amount for SO MUCH INFORMATION! HOW CAN YOU AFFORD IT!?"

I'll tell you, friends: The secret is low, low overhead and high, high prices and because I'm CRAaaaaAAzy!

So, post the condition of your soul and I'll tell you (for the aforementioned 05%) how many harem girls/guys it's worth.

Crazy Fenris: Used Souls Appraiser

[JeffB]

Is that 05% up front, or payable upon sale? (That extra 0 there makes me a bit nervous too.)

[Scylla]

:regards soul::

The condition of my soul? Ummmmm.

Ummm.



It's in perfect condition. Trust me. They all look like this. Once you send it off to the Dry Cleaners It'll look like it still has the tag on it. Really.

So anyway, how much for this thing?

[Fenris]

Originally posted by JeffB
Is that 05% up front, or payable upon sale? (That extra 0 there makes me a bit nervous too.)

The 5% (Crazy Fenris is gonna shoot his proofreader!) is payable upon your reaching an agreement with the Prince of Darkness.

"But Crazy Fenris" I hear you cry "What if I don't make an agreement with The Fallen One?"

Well, that's a risk that CraaAAAaazy Fenris is just willing to take! We belive that the Dark Lord is gonna make you an offer you CAN'T refuse!

Crazy Fenris

[Eutychus]

I'm not sure how much this one is worth anymore. It's pretty old and weary right now. It's rather like one of those books you find in the basement of a used books store that no one realizes is down there. The cover's a bit frayed and the pages are yellow and starting to crumble, but still you pick it up and rifle through it because you never know what might be hidden in there.

So ... what's it worth to you?

[wring]

Hmmm. After much soul searching (during which time, I also got the kitchen 'catch all drawer' cleared out, as well as putting away some laundry - hey, this soul searching is tough to do in a cluttered house), I think I found it.

Tried it on, seems a little tight around the ethics, a little loose around the flirting department. Has this strong lean towards the left - but apparently has enough right leanings to achieve balance. Well worn, but in a good way. A few dings and dents (from that divorce thing), and this long rust stain (from a year ago when son was in the hospital - salt water causes rust pretty substantially you know). But I believe such things give it character. Or, at least that's my story and I'm sticking to it. All in all, a good fit still

[seawitch]

Hmm - I had a brief exchange with Fenris earlier, during which he accused me of cruelty for my willful disregard of his delicate flower-like sensibilities, as well as my doubts of the purity of his soul. (I had pointed out that his soul was the current Blue Light Special. I have no idea why he took umbrage at this.)

Anyway, I've been away for a couple of hours, sobbing in the men's room over my heartless comments. (I'm a woman, but I find crying in the men's room more interesting.) How could I have wronged such a fine, upstanding citizen of the galaxy as the noble Fenris? Oh, unique snowflake that you are, with eyes like limpid sun-dappled pools and the heart of a warrior-poet? The self-flagellation went on for nigh unto the entire afternoon.

Now I return, much chastened, and what do I find? Crazy Fenris, Used Souls Appraiser. Taking a finder's fee, while the Teeming Doper Millions risk eternal damnation.

Fenris, no more will I believe your protestations of purity. Never again shall I sniffle into a sodden wad of tissue over the possibility that I have injured you. Rather I shall glory in the following knowledge:

Dude, you are so gonna fry for this.

PS - Euty, your soul sounds like it might be a collectible. Try taking it over to Antiques Roadshow before you close a sale.

Don't trust Fenris. He's CraaAAAaazy.

[seawitch]

Hmm - I had a brief exchange with Fenris earlier, during which he accused me of cruelty for my willful disregard of his delicate flower-like sensibilities, as well as my doubts of the purity of his soul. (I had pointed out that his soul was the current Blue Light Special. I have no idea why he took umbrage at this.)

Anyway, I've been away for a couple of hours, sobbing in the men's room over my heartless comments. (I'm a woman, but I find crying in the men's room more interesting.) How could I have wronged such a fine, upstanding citizen of the galaxy as the noble Fenris? Oh, unique snowflake that you are, with eyes like limpid sun-dappled pools and the heart of a warrior-poet? The self-flagellation went on for nigh unto the entire afternoon.

Now I return, much chastened, and what do I find? Crazy Fenris, Used Souls Appraiser. Taking a finder's fee, while the Teeming Doper Millions risk eternal damnation.

Fenris, no more will I believe your protestations of purity. Never again shall I sniffle into a sodden wad of tissue over the possibility that I have injured you. Rather I shall glory in the following knowledge:

Dude, you are so gonna fry for this.

PS - Euty, your soul sounds like it might be a collectible. Try taking it over to Antiques Roadshow before you close a sale.

Don't trust Fenris. He's CraaAAAaazy.

[seawitch]

Also, clearly, The Prince of Darkness is in charge of either the server or the "submit" button. [sub] Because the only other possibility is that I am a dork. Sorry.[/b]

[Fenris]

Euty
First, I'm only the middleman ("So LITTLE overhead that when it rains, I GET WET!") so other than as a friend, your soul has no value to me, personally. The Lord of Evil, on the other hand:

::examines soul::

That's not fraying around the edges, it's the sort of patina that good old stuff gets! And, good heave...er...unfortunate expression, please disregard...bookstores with forgotten basments are the best kinds for finding treasure. This soul is quite the collector's item for some lucky fallen angel

Per my research, the Prince of Darkness will offer you either a person of your choice who'll give you hot oil massages and rub your feet AND a collection of every Disney Short ever made, on DVD, letterboxed and all in pristine viewing condition OR a '55 DeSoto, with fake leather seats, a steering wheel made out of chains, a horn that plays the chorus of "If You Think I'm Sexy" along with a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Nuke Fat Chicks", $223.00 in small unmarked bills AND 3 shoeboxes full of pictures of nude politicans, ranging from Ted Kennedy to Tip O'Neill to Richard Nixon. Your choice.

wring
The tightness around the ethics, while desireable amongst a select, elite few is actually a drawback when selling to the Lord of Flies. He's in the resale market, and outside of the conissuer, this quality's sadly not in demand as much anymore. However, there's quite a dedicated core group who won't accept a soul without this feature. Per the Bluebook, Old Scratch will offer you: One(1) Guilt Free video tape of Bunny Lake is Missing, seven(7) worry-free days regarding your son (first day of college, date, whatever), one(1) set of all of The Archies albums and a magic wand that will make the very best Dim Sum appear when waved.


Scylla, eh? The SAME Scylla that I just noticed callously ignored my r
very first post on the board (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=22359), especially when I was responding to your OP? (Although I misspelled your name.) The one who, through this callous gesture scarred me for life? Well, well, well.

::examines Scylla's soul::
Look at this. It's in great shape, but...what ARE these stains? Eeewww.
::kicks metaphorical tires::
And...what's this? Bailing wire? Oh this will never do. It looks like it came from a scratch and dent sale.
::makes that tsk-ing noise that all mechanics use, just before they tell you that your "little noise it makes sometimes" will set you back $3000::
<sigh>
I'm afraid that Mr Scratch will only be able to offer you 13 Evil Nazi Groundhogs, dead or alive, OR .28c and one of Chairman Kaga's old outfits, slightly burned. Your choice. Hey, don't blame me, the Bluebook NEVER lies. ;)

And the rest of you: C'mon down to CRAZY FENRIS'S USED SOUL EMPORIUM! IF THESE AREN'T THE BEST PRICES WHERE YOU ARE, GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!

Crazy Fenris

[Persephone]

Used soul appraisals????

Oh man, you are my new best friend.

As Queen of the Underworld, I have got literally BILLIONS of souls hanging around here. Man, every time I turn around I'm just tripping over these miserable things, clutching at my ankles and begging for mercy & stuff. Enough to drive a Goddess berserk. I can't even get in to my craft room anymore!


How much for the ones in my craft room, anyway? Last time I counted, there were 7,854 of them, all in pretty good shape. They're antiques, in fact--12th century peasant folk, not the corrupt royalty.

I surely hope we can do business, my man! :D

[Jonathan Chance]

Well, hell. Try this one out:

One Jewish soul
Minted in Chicago, IL. Raised in Los Angeles and now living in the mountains of rural Virginia and loving it. Turned it's back on the city and currently lives the life of the country squire.

This soul went to college completely on his single mothers dime. It contributed nothing to its education.

This soul spent the period from 15 1/2 to high school graduation in lock up for auto theft and other offenses too silly to go into here.

This soul once called an arresting officer a 'dickhead'.

This soul, in it's freshman year in college, dated a girl for 3 months (including a sexual relationship)(hey, I'm literally baring my soul here) only to leave her for her roommate over spring break.

This soul once ran a telemarketing department.

This soul has been responsible for more than 250,000 pieces of junk mail flying through the mailstream in the last year.

This soul is currently whining about the response to an article on the objectification of women at a trade show.

This soul has fibbed to it's publishers over the years about the time it takes to get back from sales trips to get free days off.

This soul works his assistants to death but...this soul frequently doesn't report their unscheduled sick days to HR.

This soul brings in 3 pounds of chocolate to his department every Monday.

This soul should be out mowing the lawn right now.

This soul loves his wife and baby girl very much.

This soul is an old school punk but has a secret place in his heart for Quiet Riot, Duran Duran, Big Country and John Denver.

This soul uses the words 'signage' and 'proactive' in meetings.

This soul has been a network admin and webmaster and enjoys playing with board members by using tech-speak that could come straight from "Star Trek".

So anyway. What is this soul worth on the open market? And is that per pound or in sum?

[Scylla]

Hmmm. I did snub Fenris on his first post, didn't I?


Heh, heh, heh.

I suppose this means you'll have to switch political parties, doesn't it?

Actually, I was pretty new as well, and probably just missed you post.

Also, when I'm in agreement with someone I often proceed without comment rather than preaching to the choir. I've since learned that this isn't proper netiquette.

I'd apologize, but since you've so underhandedly devalued my very soul, I guess I'll just go and sulk.

[JeffB]

Originally posted by Fenris
Originally posted by JeffB
Is that 05% up front, or payable upon sale? (That extra 0 there makes me a bit nervous too.)

The 5% (Crazy Fenris is gonna shoot his proofreader!) is payable upon your reaching an agreement with the Prince of Darkness.

In that case, why not?

This soul is slightly used, though not so much recently. Unfortunately, it's been up on blocks in the garage by itself for too long. I guess you could say it's a "sole" soul (with a sense of humor, though sometimes bad humor). It has a quiet, but wordly finish. It's getting up in years, approaching what tactful people call the "classic" stage. I think with a good tune up and a wax job, it could hum along nicely.

[Fenris]

Originally posted by Persephone
Used soul appraisals????

Oh man, you are my new best friend.

As Queen of the Underworld, I have got literally BILLIONS of souls hanging around here. Man, every time I turn around I'm just tripping over these miserable things, clutching at my ankles and begging for mercy & stuff. Enough to drive a Goddess berserk. I can't even get in to my craft room anymore!


How much for the ones in my craft room, anyway? Last time I counted, there were 7,854 of them, all in pretty good shape. They're antiques, in fact--12th century peasant folk, not the corrupt royalty.

I surely hope we can do business, my man! :D

At CRAZY FENRIS'S we offer VOLUME DISCOUNTS and LOW! LOW! pricing for our friends in the underworlds. WE CAN UNDERCUT ANYONE ON BULK APPRASIALS!

FREE POMEGRANATES WHILE YOU WAIT!

12th Century peasants are a dime a dozen. No: Literally: 12 for 10c. Which means that your craft room souls (Not including my 3% take for bulk appraisals. If you want 'em individually priced, my fee goes up slightly) are worth $65.45.

::flips through Bluebook::

UNLESS...these wouldn't happen to be Grand Fenwickian 12th century souls, would they? It seems that neither Satan nor...um...his antagonist have them in their possession and there's quite a bidding war. If so, Your Queenship, you have quite a prize!

Fenris

[elelle]

I'de be glad to oblige, Sweet Crazy Fen, but it seems that Persephone has already decoupaged my tattered soul onto a coffee can offering pens and pencils to the staff at the Flint Salvation Army.

Such a Crafty Bitch.

[OpalCat]

My soul is worth $37,947 (http://www.soulxchange.com/soulstats.asp?id=883)

:)

[Fenris]

Originally posted by Jonathan Chance
Well, hell. Try this one out:


This soul once ran a telemarketing department.

This soul has been responsible for more than 250,000 pieces of junk mail flying through the mailstream in the last year.

This soul uses the words 'signage' and 'proactive' in meetings.

So anyway. What is this soul worth on the open market? And is that per pound or in sum?

Friend, CRAZY FENRIS has NEVER seen a soul that he couldn't price before, but yours! You ran a telemarking outfit?
"Phone-Spammers-R-You?" I can't put a price on your soul...

...mainly because Satan's recruiting department have called Crazy Fenris and asked if you're interested in a job. They're disappointed by the "loves wife and kid" thing and the "kind to employees" thing, but they're willing to put up with your personal quirks.

Expect a call from Mr. Beelzebub, Lord of Flies in the next few days. Please have your resume ready. Relocation will be required.

Crazy Fenris

[Jonathan Chance]

Originally posted by Fenris
Friend, CRAZY FENRIS has NEVER seen a soul that he couldn't price before, but yours! You ran a telemarking outfit?
"Phone-Spammers-R-You?" I can't put a price on your soul...

Expect a call from Mr. Beelzebub, Lord of Flies in the next few days. Please have your resume ready. Relocation will be required.

Crazy Fenris[/B]

You see, that's the problem with identifying with the dark side so well...you just can't get a good deal on anything. All anyone's ever interested in is the chance you'll take a gig somewhere.

It's hell, I tell you, hell.

Or is that the idea?

I can see it now...


RING RING RING...

Hapless Loser: Hello?

My Hellspawn: My I speak with Mr Hapless Loser?

HL: Speaking. Who's calling?

MH: I'm Azazel and I'm calling to make you aware that you qualify for our special 'Too Good For The Damned' offer and...

HL: *click*

MH: (muttering) Jerk.

Me: Hellspawn, son. I've been going over the numbers and you're just not getting the conversions I like to see on your shift. You need to pick up the pace.

MH: Aw, gimme a break boss. I've been calling the Vatican all day.

Me: I don't want to hear excuses out of you! If you don't bring me 100 damned soul contracts by close of shift I'm shipping you back to Congress where I picked you up! Is that clear!


Ah, yes. I can see it clearly.

Mmmm...damnation goodness...

[Scotticher]

Originally posted by Persephone
Enough to drive a Goddess berserk. I can't even get in to my craft room anymore!

How much for the ones in my craft room, anyway? Last time I counted, there were 7,854 of them, all in pretty good shape.

Yes, by ALL means, do get rid of them, Fenris.

When we built this craft room, we were envisioning...well, CRAFTS! All these used souls are cluttering up the shelves.

It is getting so you can't find the silk flowers, let alone the crochet hooks!

:)

[hardygrrl]

My soul...

I do work in a cube farm but I mock the company and its customers frequently.

I have a tendency to flirt but I'm good at it-or so I've been told.

I do have three animal familars-two birds and a gecko. I've trained one of the birds to say "Shut your piehole."

I support my friends, both IRL and the ones I only know via email,without hesitation.

And I'm not too proud to admit I'm somebody's little ferret-check the sig.

[Kallessa]

Mine is a romantic soul; filled with the pleasure of candle lit rooms and chilled white wine; soaring in the sweet night air or floating in the arms of my best beloved. My soul shines through the window of my eyes like the rising sun in paradise. My soul moves me to weep at love songs, when princesses are rescued, and when the dog comes home. Moonlight, gentle sighs, long lingering glances, and all such trappings of romantic love are etched upon my soul, forever to remind me of my one, true beloved. My soul is pure in this devout, chaste love, sanctified in the flames of passion, and immortalized by my true love's adulation.









Yeah, right. And if ya believe that, I got a bridge I'd like you to see. Perfect for ya, one owner, only got crossed on Sundays after church. I swear.



But hey, Fenris, if ya got time, give me a price on the one I described, just, you know, for a lark.

[Persephone]

Oh for goodness sakes, why didn't you SAY so! I've got 127 of them! Been using some as footrest stuffing (I've found that Fenwickian footrests really are superior), and we used the rest to make a bitchin' leash for Cerberus.

I am willing to let them go, though, if the money's good enough (got a few popes down here that'll do just as well for stuffing). I'm looking to open a bed n' breakfast/casino on the outskirts of the Vatican City. Showgirls, a 24-hour-buffet, and Elvis-themed wedding chapel, and all that snazzy stuff. What'll you give me for them? I'll even toss in this really cool decoupage coffee can--it was the first soul I ever caught myself, and I do get a lot of compliments on it. ;)

[Fenris]

Originally posted by hardygrrl

I do have three animal familars-two birds and a gecko. I've trained one of the birds to say "Shut your piehole."
<snip>
And I'm not too proud to admit I'm somebody's little ferret-check the sig.

Friend, CRAZY FENRIS has researched your soul and with a soul like yours CRAZY FENRIS can confidently state that when you go bargain with The Adversary, you should be able to hold out for:

A seat in the U.S. Senate (or elected body of your choice), along with a Limo Driver who's willing to put out on request, 1/4 pound of non-Fattening Godiva Chocolates delivered monthly AND a monthly stipend of $368.55, deliverable in Indian-head nickels.

Fenris

[Fern Forest]

I, being the stupid idiot that I am, promised my soul to my girlfriend who took it and promptly broke-up with me. So I'm looking for a used soul that I could buy, or at the very least lease. Preferably a nice virile male one but I'm willing to settle for an outgoing lesbian. I'd be willing to pay just about any price.

[Ann Onimous]

Originally posted by Fenris
Originally posted by hardygrrl

I do have three animal familars-two birds and a gecko. I've trained one of the birds to say "Shut your piehole."
<snip>
And I'm not too proud to admit I'm somebody's little ferret-check the sig.
A seat in the U.S. Senate (or elected body of your choice), along with a Limo Driver who's willing to put out on request, 1/4 pound of non-Fattening Godiva Chocolates delivered monthly AND a monthly stipend of $368.55, deliverable in Indian-head nickels.


hardygrrl, being a chocolate lover, I'd recommend holding out for a whole pound of non-fattening Godiva chocolates every two weeks. Ya never know what you can get unless you bargain...

Oh, and my soul? Not for sale, unless my husband decides to sell it... :D

[hardygrrl]

As much as I love Godiva, I'm a diet so I want to trade that for being Jeff Hardy's shower girl for a night and that Stinky Paws be the chauffeur that puts out. :)

[Mr. Cynical]

Fenris,

I could use an evaluation before I head to the crossroads. Hook me up!

[FairyChatMom]

I have the soul of a dancer with two left feet, the soul of a poet without whimsey, the soul of a colorblind artist, the soul of a writer's block. I have no idea how I got them - I'm thinking they were mixed in with my stuff last time we moved. So, can we deal here? I'm not looking to score big or anything... just a little something to put away for my golden years.

[Fenris]

Originally posted by Manservant Hecubus
Fenris,

I could use an evaluation before I head to the crossroads. Hook me up!
Gimme something to go on here, MH. I'm not a mind-reader, y'know! :D

Fenris

[Mr. Cynical]

Originally posted by Fenris
Originally posted by Manservant Hecubus
Fenris,

I could use an evaluation before I head to the crossroads. Hook me up!
Gimme something to go on here, MH. I'm not a mind-reader, y'know! :D

Fenris
Very well, Fenris.

I am a generous man, always willing to purchase the beers. I am a rabid hockey and football fan, but I go to baseball games cause they're cheap, and for the atmosphere at beautiful Coors Field.

I can frequently be seen being kind to animals, and never throw cigarettes out of the car. My truck is always clean, unless it take it four wheeling, because I like to leave the mud on it for a couple days. I do not use the ashtray, I use a soda can which I recycle.

I mow my lawn whenever I damn well feel like it, and not a minute before.

Sometimes, I hurt myself and don't realize it for a couple hours, when I look down and say, "Wow, what the hell is that from?"

I play softball (3rd base) with passion.

Fat Tire is my favorite beer. I plan on taking a friend of mine on a pilgrimage to the brewery as soon as he returns from out of state.

I am not beyond driving 40 miles to the airport to spend 20 minutes talking with a friend passing through town.

I get teary-eyed imagining the Avs winning the cup, and Ray Bourque skating a victory lap holding it. The mountains, my home, and my dog sometimes make me want to weep with happiness, and my son is the most important person on the planet to me.

Do your worst.

[Whammo]

Fenris... I'm not looking to buy right now. Just shopping around, checking out the prices. Thats all. I just want to make that clear up front. Heck, I didn't even bring my checkbook.

Question, how are you in such buddy buddy cohorts with the Devil that you get a cut of souls. Also, what do you plan on doing with only a small percentage of mine and the others? Create some Mega-patchwork soul?

[GingerOfTheNorth]

Uh, Fenris?
Yeah, you. The CRAZY one.

I have borne (gasp!) an illegitimate child.
I do things my own damned way.
I don't iron my seams flat when I quilt.
I picked up and moved 3000 KM away from everything familiar just 'cause I felt like it.
I let my kid play outside until dark.
I read my kid bedtime stories every night.
I have taken homemade cookies to every stinkin' rehearsal for every single production I have ever been in.
I still miss my dog that died 15 years ago.
I have a tattoo.
I worked for an escort agency - albeit fully clothed in the office manager position.
I don't always floss.
I'm damned cute and tell people that all the time, whether or not they believe me.
I have been known to swallow.
I don't use Napster because I believe it's theft.
I make kick-ass pie.

How much ya got for me?

Ginger

[Fenris]

Originally posted by FairyChatMom
I have the soul of a dancer with two left feet, the soul of a poet without whimsey, the soul of a colorblind artist, the soul of a writer's block. I have no idea how I got them - I'm thinking they were mixed in with my stuff last time we moved. So, can we deal here? I'm not looking to score big or anything... just a little something to put away for my golden years.


Fairy: The Dread One (per the BlueBook) will offer you:
A complete collection of every Roald Dahl book ever written (even the Gremlin one)
A recipe for perfect pancakes
A magic wand which will complete paperwork for you.
A massuse who'll rub your feet/back/neck on demand
A $722.05/month stipend
A box of paints, a rhyming dictionary, and tap-dance lessons.

Crazy Fenris

[Fenris]

Originally posted by Manservant Hecubus
I am a generous man, always willing to purchase the beers. I am a rabid hockey and football fan, but I go to baseball games cause they're cheap, and for the atmosphere at beautiful Coors Field.
<snip>
I get teary-eyed imagining the Avs winning the cup, and Ray Bourque skating a victory lap holding it.
Do your worst.
[/b]

Satan LIKES sports fans. For YOU, he'll make a special offer (and I'm feeling generous since the Avs beat the snot out of the hated Jersey Devils (and humiliated that unctous, smarmy announcer):
Per Douglas Wallop's The Year The Yankees Lost The Pennant (aka the musical "Damn Yankees!"), he'll transform you into the best hockey player EVER, AND let you play for whatever team you want for one (1) season. He'll also give you a megababe for that season.

Crazy Fenris, still feeling giddy from the Avs victory last night, WILL tell you the catch: Do not play for the Avs. His DREAD plan is that he'll get whatever team's town worked up into a frenzy with the hope of victory, and then...you'll lose the Stanley Cup in the last possible game, thus destroying their hopes and dreams. Should you take this offer, might I suggest you choose Jersey as your team?

When you're done, he'll give you a lifetime supply of Fat Tire beer, a home in the foothills, and the magic power to let you slap the "Four Wheeling, even on property where it's allowed, is EVIL" crowd (Peter Boyles, for example) in the face, at will, from a distance.

Fenris

[Wastrel]

Aw damn, I'd love to take advantage of this offer, but I think I sold my soul for a giant Pog with Steve Allen on it.

Damn, I wonder where I put it? Nah, can't be too important, it WAS only my soul after all.

-Wastrel

[Kallessa]

Fenris, some of us are still waiting for our appraisals. I have to tell you, customer service is very important in this line of work. People just don't have time to wait for slow appraisals--they'e apt to just go a sell their souls for the first price offered. We wouldn't be thinking of selling at all if things weren't in dire straits. And if we sell before you give us a quote, well, we get screwed, but you get nothing. I swear, I don't know how you stay in business. I don't want to be rude, and I don't want to have to ask to talk to the manager, I just want you to do what you advertised.

I'm glad we had this talk.

[Tranquilis]

OK, I'll queue-up for an appraisal:

Fenris:
I love my wife and dote on my daughter.
I'm kind to animals, and keep three cats. No dogs 'casue I've no time for them
I volunteer at homeless shelters, and donate to organizations that serve the homeless.
I donate to environmental causes and to Paws With A Cause.
I served the country for 15 years in the Navy, working on nuclear reactors and submarines.
I'm capable around the house, cook well, and can fix the car. The Dark One would probably love my chili: It can set wooden spoons on fire and peel the chrome off the stove.
I lean slightly to the right-of-center: Fiscally conservative, socially liberal (but not too liberal ;) )
I'm a damn good shot.
I give blood.

BUT:
I'm a Technology Consultant to the pharmaceutical industry, and can be an insufferable know-it-all.

[John Corrado]

Alright, Fenris. Take this one for a test drive and see what it's worth.

Caucasian male, age 28. Smokes, but is cutting back. Or, at least that's what he's been telling himself for three years. Works as an auditor for a small phone company, where his job is to screw over big phone companies. Owns a PT Cruiser. Was a lifelong Redskins fan but switched allegiance to the Ravens in October of '00 (before they were really on the radar as "going anywhere"). Moderates The Pit, though not with the sanguine sarcasm of Alphagene, nor the swift and deadly justice of Lynn.

Right now, said soul is in the possession of a girl named Rebecca; I just want to make sure she gets a good price if she ends up shopping it around.

[Wartime Consigliori]

"Dear Fenris, Please Don't Put A Price On My Soul"--Bob Dylan (paraphrased, of course).

"I'm A Soul Man"--What is currently playing on the loudspeakers in Fenris' showroom.

[slortar]

I ain't got no soul. For proof, watch me dance sometimes.

I do, however, have lots of slack. Does that count for anything?

[vix]

Hey, Crazy Fenris, take a look at this one:

One slightly used soul, not quite 30 years old.
Loves to sleep outside and skinny dip and sing whilst hiking.
Has loads and loads of friends in many states and keeps in touch with them even when they forget to call.
Has no true love but hasn't given up looking.
Volunteers on Mondays, 'cause it makes a bad day better.
Loves public transportation.
Always stops to talk to the little old lady who walks so very slowly down the street.
But <gasp> works for The ManTM. In marketing. Sending direct mail.

Is there any hope?

[Fenris]

Originally posted by Whammo
Question, how are you in such buddy buddy cohorts with the Devil that you get a cut of souls. Also, what do you plan on doing with only a small percentage of mine and the others? Create some Mega-patchwork soul?

I don't take anything from the Lord of the Flies. I deal directly with the customers, but I'm able to give you the Straight Dope on your soul's valuation because I have LOW! LOW! overhead (Overhead so low that you have to stoop to get in the door!) and because I have INSIDE information. You can't find a better bargain anywhere!

And as for why I take the 5%, whatdayathink The Devil'll pays for the remaing bits and pieces he'll need to complete his collection! <evil grin>

Crazy Fenris

[Fenris]

Originally posted by GingerOfTheNorth
Uh, Fenris?
I have taken homemade cookies to every stinkin' rehearsal for every single production I have ever been in.

I make kick-ass pie.

How much ya got for me?


The cookie thing guarantees that your soul is pure gold, pristine and perfect. Satan will offer you domination of any ONE (1) second world country, slaveboys with palm-frond fans to cool you in the hot climate of your humid Gingerarchy. He will also offer you $9999.00 in gold coins.

What kind of pie?

Fenris

[Fenris]

Originally posted by Kallessa
Fenris, some of us are still waiting for our appraisals. I have to tell you, customer service is very important in this line of work. People just don't have time to wait for slow appraisals--they'e apt to just go a sell their souls for the first price offered. We wouldn't be thinking of selling at all if things weren't in dire straits. And if we sell before you give us a quote, well, we get screwed, but you get nothing. I swear, I don't know how you stay in business. I don't want to be rude, and I don't want to have to ask to talk to the manager, I just want you to do what you advertised.

I'm glad we had this talk.


Kallessa, by your own admission, you didn't offer me your soul. Only one person has a soul so pure, so luminescent and modesty forbids me from mentioning the value of this soul. I'm a busy, busy man. I don't have time to deal with hypotheticals.

And if you want to speak to the manager, be my guest. I'll get him for you.

::runs inside::
<much rustling, thumping, a loud "Ouch!">
:: Fenris comes out wearing an obviously fake handlebar moustache and a straw hat::

<fake voice>
Yeeeeeeeessss? I am the manager. How may I help you?

(signed: The Manager)

[lno]

During finals week of my senior year in college, a mere week and a half before graduation, I sold my textbooks to raise money to buy beer. I needed to finish a beer-quest at the student pub.
When I was eight, a friend and I dropped his cat several times from the top of a stepladder onto a pile of cushions to see if cats really landed on their feet.
I kill spiders in painful ways whenever I see them. The more painful, the better. Fire, Raid, fire, boiling water, fire, crushing, fire, a shotgun, and fire. (I don't like to get into the shotgun part.)
I'm a very inefficient worker. I'm going on vacation next week and I can't seem to get anything done today. This is demonstrated by all the time I'm killing on the SDMB.
I argue that Best YetTM macaroni and cheese is sufficiently nutritious to support me for a month.
I have irrational terror of minor things, such as meeting my girlfriend's parents, or going to the beach. In my mind, I view these as "meeting them and being buried in a shallow grave" or "going to the beach and being simultaneously mauled by a tiger shark and devoured by a Portuguese man-o-war".

To balance that out,
I volunteer for a battered women's shelter.
I know the folks at the local Red Cross office well, and appear every 56 days like clockwork.
I remember anniversaries, even the minor ones like first meeting, first date, first kiss, first "I love you", and first base.
I'm a firm believer that the Vikings can actually win the Super Bowl, and refuse to listen to the naysayers.
I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people LIKE me!

[screech-owl]

Okay, Fenris, soul-baring begins:

Thirtymumblednumber soul:
used (slight scarring, but fading with time)
spirit bent (but not broken)
warped sense of humor
formerly a spineless invertebrate, but developing a backbone (finally!)

Was a teacher, then a carny, now a secretary.
I rescue injured animals, yet play 'Godzillakitty' with my own cat.
I badger people to tell me the endings of movies.
I am a lousy cook.
I adore terrible puns.
Occasionally, I will pay for someone else's meal or purchase without telling them, just to watch the confused look on their face.
I hate needles but I still donate blood and platelets.

What will you offer me for my soul (that is, if a little agnostic owl has a soul at all)?

[Hometownboy]

Here's another soul awaiting evaluation from the amazing Fenris and his "Cities on Flame with Rock n Roll Review"

On the bad side, this soul:

*Is over 50,with lots of miles, some of them hard
*Doesn't always pay enough attention to his kids
*Is lugged around in a seriously overweight body
*Has a tendency to laziness; would rather read a book(of the Big Seven, Sloth and Gluttony would rank highest)
*Will settle for messiness if it's clean
*Suffers from Wasted Potential from the shining light it was back in high school and college days
*As it ages, has less patience with fools and less inclination to keep its mouth shut when irritated
*Has worked as both insurance salesman (though only for a couple of years and managed to lose his shirt in the process)
*Has sold advertising for both radio and newspaper and been a disc jockey



On the good side, this soul
[list]
*Was most happlily and sincerely married for 24 years before losing his beloved wife to a dementing illness
*Always remembers anniversaries and special days
*Buys flowers
*Genuinely loves his new wife of two and a half years and has made serious adjustments in life style to accomodate her tastes
*Is a serious science fiction fan, who will be attending Westercon next month
*Loves Australian Rules Football
*Has eclectic music tastes, ranging from kick-ass rock n roll to folk to country to a capella
*Is seriously sentimental and can easily be moved to tears
*Loves his children, even if it's hard for him to articulate at times


So, Fenris, whaddya think?

[Freudian Slit]

Fenris, fenris!! Do me next do me next!!!!!!!!

Here's my soul! ::rips it out from the back of the neck:: It's only sixteen years or so (seventeen if you believe soul starts at conception!) Since its in such new and shiny (and innocent ;)) condition, what can I get?

[wring]

Originally posted by Fenris
[domination of any ONE (1) second world country, slaveboys with palm-frond fans to cool you in the hot climate of your humid Gingerarchy. He will also offer you $9999.00 in gold coins.
Fenris

where the hell are my slaveboys with palm fronds?

[GingerOfTheNorth]

Originally posted by Fenris
The cookie thing guarantees that your soul is pure gold, pristine and perfect. Satan will offer you domination of any ONE (1) second world country, slaveboys with palm-frond fans to cool you in the hot climate of your humid Gingerarchy. He will also offer you $9999.00 in gold coins.

What kind of pie?

Fenris
Are you out of your mind? Do you think I'm going to tell you what kind of pie without knowing what kind of slave boys I'm getting? Are you mad?

And while I'm at it...

I want TWO (2) second world countries. Does Belgium count? I hear they have good chocolate there. And boys with accents.

wring, did you make any cookies? You gotta make cookies. A lot of (*&#@ cookies. If I make more cookies, I'll qualify for air conditioning, and the slave boys can spend their time doing other stuff, rather than fanning me with palm fronds.

[Fenris]

Tranquilis
The Dark One would probably love my chili: It can set wooden spoons on fire and peel the chrome off the stove.


The Dread One will offer you a small 1st world country to rule with a dread iron fist on one condition: You must agree that your soul will slave in Hell's Kitchen for all eternity making nuclear-hot chili in a mess-hall where there's no beer/water/crackers/etc to quench the fire. He'll also offer you 12 pairs of tennis shoes (one pair is mismatched), and a cheesecake picture of either Bella Abzug OR Charles Laughton. Your choice.


From John Corrado
Alright, Fenris. Take this one for a test drive and see what it's worth.

Owns a PT Cruiser.
<snip>Moderates The Pit, though not with the sanguine sarcasm of Alphagene, nor the swift and deadly justice of Lynn.

Right now, said soul is in the possession of a girl named Rebecca; I just want to make sure she gets a good price if she ends up shopping it around.

Ok, Old Scratch LIKES moderators...they're used to Hellish conditions and therefore settle in nicely. Therefore, he'll make the following offer:

For your soul, he'll make you more Just than Lynn, more sarcastic than Alphagene, more logical than David B...I could go on and on, but the upshot is that he'll make you the next best thing to Cecil. Oh yeah, and he'll give you a Jr. Detective's kit and a retro-looking fedora/trenchcoat to go with the retro stylings of the PT Cruiser. He'll also offer you all the Easter "Peep" candies that you can eat. That assumes you get your soul back.

If however, Rebecca ever wants to sell it, he'll make her a a similar offer to GingeroftheNorth's. A small country to rule along with with slave boys with accents and palm fronds.

From Slortar
I ain't got no soul. For proof, watch me dance sometimes.

I do, however, have lots of slack. Does that count for anything?

Slack? We don't need no stinkin' slack.

Oh, what the hell. A lifetime supply of Hydrox cookies (much superior to Oreos), and all the salty snack-food you'll ever want.

From Vix:
Hey, Crazy Fenris, take a look at this one:
One slightly used soul, not quite 30 years old.
Loves public transportation.
Always stops to talk to the little old lady who walks so very slowly down the street.
But <gasp> works for The ManTM. In marketing. Sending direct mail.

Is there any hope?

If you're sending out direct mail, your soul may already belong to the Darklord.

But assuming it doesn't (yet)...the Darklord will offer you: A lifetime bus pass, which can be used on any public transit system in the world, a game of horseshoes OR a croquet set, missing one mallet, the secret of the third word that ends in "gry" (you can tell it to the little old lady, but no one else)
AND the ability to start a fire by rubbing two boy scouts together.

Fenris

[Kallessa]

Okay, Fenris, the manager and I just had a good talk, and I think I understand the problem. The customer is not always right,and I was being a smartass (in a very pure and uplifting way, mind, but still a smartass). So, not to waste your time, I'm hoping to have a big job offer soon, so I need my soul to be worth the job, plus a bunch ( the job involves a pay cut, I'll need something to keep me in the standard of living I so deserve). Here are the facts:

Avowed romantic, slightly bedraggled, but stubbornly keeping my heart on my sleeve.
Single, no kids. Never wanted the kids, want the husband. Willing to love stepchildren.
Devoted to the San Francisco Giants and 49er's and have been since the 1960's.
Am a lawyer, but work for a labor union.
Do not believe that American League baseball is actually baseball because the pitcher does not bat.
Occasionally wrote college research papers in return for cash (and once for beer).
Regrets being so adamant that Robert Bork should not be a Supreme Court Justice, but only because it has prevented true scholars from being named since.
Believe that there is stuff worth watching on TV. Even network TV.
Sometimes fails to shower on Sundays.
Bakes cakes for birthdays, including Winnie the Pooh's birthday (October 14).
Once bought a copy of a 2LiveCrew CD as a protest to censorship (and promptly threw it away, in pieces, so no one ever had to listen to the disgusting piece of garbage).
Cries at almost any movie. (I cried during Armageddon for Gods' sake!)
Able to use sarcasm effectively.
Am excited that both Styx and Huey Lewis and The News have new albums coming out.


Would Lucifer be interested? Does Satan have an offer I can't refuse? Would Beelzebub pony up the riches? Could Asmodeus be persauded to take this sould off my hands in exchange for my heart's desire and loose change (lots of loose change)? Will it matter that, as a Pagan, the closest thing to Hell I believe in is a mall on a holiday weekend? I'm willing to pay 7%, Fenris, if the deal's good enough.

So, can I please have an appraisal? Pretty please? With ice cream on top?

[Persephone]

God and I did lunch the other day, and I asked her about these Grand Fenwickian souls, and if they really were worth anything. I found out a couple of interesting things. One, they're worth a freaking mint, and two, seeing God snort beer out of Her nostrils is really quite a sight.

Now, God's willing to pony up everything I've asked for, plus a big-ass condo in Maui, seats on the 50-yard-line for the next five Super Bowls (although she wouldn't get up off of who the winners will be--sometimes you just can't argue with God, no matter how many shots She's tossed back), a few excellent stock tips, and Harrison Ford's phone number.

I told her that was a reasonably good deal, but since you'd expressed an interest first, it would only be fair of me to give you an opportunity to bid as well.

So, whaddya say, Fenris? Can you top Her offer? She's reeeeeeeeeeeeeal eager to get Her hands on these things.

[Tranquilis]

You must agree that your soul will slave in Hell's Kitchen for all eternity making nuclear-hot chili in a mess-hall where there's no beer/water/crackers/etc to quench the fire.
OK, pretty fair, But: I'd be willing to downgrade by taking both cheesecake photos, if I get to see the expressions on the faces of the newly damned as they try their first meal in Hell and discover that I use Thai rat-peppers in my chili like some people use rice: By the handfull..! :D

[Fenris]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by LNO
LNO:
We don't allow trade-ins for new models, but the value of your soul is $742.21, forty-five bottlecaps, the ability to always cook barbequed ribs to perfection (to go along with the Macaroni and Cheese). In addition, you will be offered a seat in Congress, but you'll never get a committee chairmanship.

Fenris

[thechao]

PSE (Precision Soul Engineering) is now offering a wide variety of precision measuring, cutting, polishing and division tools for manipulating souls.

PSE incorporates some of the most advanced Pardigm (TM) metaphor/analogy tools for the removal and/or dispersal of pieces of your soul.

PSE demands for itself and provides to our customers precision tools that are unequaled by any other service. With a common PSE WorkShop you will be able to make precision grafts and cuts from or to the soul at the 0.00043+/-0.00003% level. This remarkable precision is available no where else!

We can also provide 'rental' and 'at-shop' precision measurement and 'cutting' services for a low (soul or non-soul) fee.

History:
PSE first came about, in 1995, during an unfortunate incident in trying to divide a soul into 3 equal pieces. It was only the development of the Soul-Reaver 1000 that was able to make the final ARCH-ANG-Qaulity cut at the 0.002+/-0.0004 level, the necessary amount of control for the transaction at hand.

PSE's owner THECHAO, currently owns a majority share of his own soul, at 78%, and majority shares of two other souls (54% and 72%), as well as a part owner of the "33&a1/3" soul mentioned above.

PSE does NOT do any of the following services:
Soul Rental, Reposession (or Posession), Administration and/or Appraisal. Please enquire at any of our (1) location.

-------------
Hah! First Post!

[elfkin477]

Well, Fenris, I'm not sure I'm selling my soul right now, but maybe if I got a good enough offer I might consider it.

My soul is an early 1977' model, and it's gently used/near mint condition. Still lilly white, this soul might still wear a white wedding dress, AND never got a single detention through all 12 years of school, so there are no black marks anywhere. The soul has never smoked nor tried illegal drugs, and drinks less than 4 times a year, usually having no more than 2 drinks at a time. This soul worked its way through college, and anticipates paying student loans for at least another 10 years. This soul is also kind to children and animals(also to family and friends), and is reported to be a good listener and good advice giver. However, this soul is also a terrible cynic who thinks most people just aren't making enough of an effort and never will- this soul is also a registered republican. This soul is currently working on what might be its second short novel, and you know how artist are. Finally, this soul is loyal, jealous, self-confident yet insecure, responsible, trustworthy and moody.

So what can I get for it?

[Faldage]

That means the PoD only gets 95%. How we know he gone like that? I done is scrolled through the whole thread, now mebbe I fell asleep when you said he don' mind chipped souls, but I don' remember seeing no guarantee he'd even look at my soul once there's a big piece taken outta it.

[jpariury]

Fenris takes 5%....... well, the soul in infinite. So if he takes 5% of infinity, he's taking, infinity. So you, with your infinite soul, pay an infinite amount of your soul to Fenris, leaving you.....

::drum roll::

::Vanna writes on big chalk board - Infinity minus Infinity Equals ZERO::

No soul to sell!!!!!

This message has been brought to you by ACME Souls'R'Us

JP

[butter pie]

Okay, how about this one:

Tormented artist; only slightly insane.
Been dropped a few times. Missing pieces.
Loves animals and dislikes small children.
Enjoys causing mischief and being difficult.
Likes classical music.

[Spiritus Mundi]

Loves poetry and violent sports.
Has cried just watching a baby and laughed after beating a man unconscious
Usually returns money to cashiers who can't count.
Sometimes keeps the change.
Deeply devoted to wife, but has never before succeeded at fidelity.
Ex military, ex researcher, ex martial artist, ex writer, ex hausted bit twiddler in a maze of cube walls. Where's my damn cheese!
Has old scars, mostly healed but deep.
Never grew to its promised height.
Is unaccountably attracted to bullshit philosophizing, despite having zero qualifications for same.
Recently made a nice girl cry in the PIT.
Coldly logical as a rule.
Extravagantly passionate at unpredictable moments.
Drinks too much whiskey.
But it's really good whiskey.
Likes puns

Soul is currently under joint contract to wife and Super RyanTm, but secretly fears they are looking to trade him in on a flashier model.

[Miller]

What can I get for a 25 year old, college educated soul with an artistic bent? Been baptized and everything? In perfect working order, except for the work ethic, but that can be fixed, no problem. Otherwise, excellent condition, just a few venal sins, nothing major. Oh, hey, my Mom prays for me every sunday. High Catholic mass, too, real fancy. That's got to drive the value up some, right?

[Sunspace]

Hej Fenris!
What'll I get for the following thirty-eight-year-old soul, who:

-likes to sleep in too much, even to the point where it endangers jobs
-rarely replies to letters
-maxed out credit cards and is now in credit counselling
-due to lack of social skills, had only had one SO, and that for only three months in 1993
-does not really believe in 'true love'
-is estranged from parts of his family due to fear and lethargy
-is living up to maybe 5% of his artistic and personal potential


...but:
-manages to support his ailing father
-has stuggled through the dark underworld of the human condition for the past ten years ( ::waves at Persephone:: ) in the hope of finally learning from it and becoming a better person
-still dreams of a better world
-secretly loves summer nights, beauty, and happy romantic endings

...and lastly:
-last week convinced a businessperson new to the Net that, yes, spamming to advertise his business was a Bad Idea.

[Hippy144]

You can't like, sell a soul, man. The soul like, belongs to God, man.
*friend whispers in ear*
You got a prowler for it? Oh, I guess I'm wrong then. Okay here goes. Born a catholic, switched to nondenominational. Smoker for 6 years (17 now). You know those annoying ass teenagers that cruise around at night playing "Big Booty hoes" so loud that everyone in a 4 block radius gets instant tenitus? Be damned if it ain't me. (Guess I'm damned since it is though... )

So do you have any need for a rebelious teen?

[kaylasdad99]

Unless Crazy Fenris has some undue influence over the Dark One, that could cause said Dark One to pony up the 0.05 soul from every successful referral, it strikes me that he'd be better served by asking the seller for 5% of the proceeds of the soul.

Anyway, what if another appraiser claims to have provided the actual appraisal upon which the successful negotiation was based? Does anybody really think De Debbil will put up with having his incoming stock arriving with multiple 5% chunks missing?

In a seller's market like this, the burden of payment really should fall on the seller. Of course the seller then faces the prospect of being dunned for multiple 5% chunks of his (or her) loot.

And who pays closing costs?

Which is why I'm seriously considering entering as a silent partner in my brother-in-law's listing service. We'll always get our cut, and outside brokers will have to split the commission among themselves, leaving tons of happy customers who only had to fork over 6% (5% to serve as the commission, and 1% for the house) of the aggregate value of the transaction.

Thanks for the idea Fenris. We'll be sending you a developer's fee as soon as the IPO is issued.

[Trucido]

I lack a soul of my own to sell, as it was lost in the early '90s. If only Jack Chick had warned me about the dangers of playing Dungeons & Dragons while listening to Heavy Metal and wearing a 'Charles Darwin Rocks My World' t-shirt. I do, however, have a torn scrap of a soul from a former SO. She was most kind and loving, god-fearing, and wrote touching poetry. Being unsuccessful in attempts to return it or trade it for cigarettes, I thought I'd offer it up.

[Captain Amazing]

Ok, Fenris. How much for my soul? I'm 25, educated (got a Master's), underemployed, I work as a paralegal in a law office, and manage most of the time to avoid doing any work. You've seen my posts on the boards...often informative, sometimes witty...pretty much explains me. I don't smoke, only drink sometimes, was fired from a telemarketing job for not being any good at it. So, what's it worth?

[Tristan]

Man this is a long line...

*gets in line*

*realizes what the line is for*

Man, just when you think you've found a short line for the DSL people....

*fades into the darkness*

[Faldage]

jpariury claims:

"Infinity minus Infinity Equals ZERO::

No soul to sell!!!!!"

Best bone up on yo transfinite math there, jp. Vanna notwithstanding, 95% of infinity is also infinity, but it's still got a chip taken out of it and is damaged merchandise.

[Ice Wolf]

Hmm ...He makes it onto Threadspotting -- and still he doesn't show?

Maybe he's gone out of business. Anyone see any sales advertised? Buy one soul, get two free?

[Miller]

Oh, I get it. Thread makes it to threadspotting, and now he's too good for all us little people. Bastid.

[Typo Negative]

Whats the going rate for an 'ex-junkie with social anxiety disorder' soul?

[Fenris]

Originally posted by Ice Wolf
Hmm ...He makes it onto Threadspotting -- and still he doesn't show?

Maybe he's gone out of business. Anyone see any sales advertised? Buy one soul, get two free?

Friends (and you ARE my Friends!) I've been busy dealing with the Fallen One! (How else do you think this thread made Threadspotting?)

:: Looks at the crowd of people ::

I'll start apprasing souls in the next few hours and sorry for the wait! I will throw in a free virtual lollipop or 2 free virtual socks, mismatched or not: your choice!!

And remember:

No Ectoplasm down! Low LOW overhead! Crazy Fenris's can't be beat!

[Fenris]

Originally posted by Kallessa
Bakes cakes for birthdays, including Winnie the Pooh's birthday (October 14).

Able to use sarcasm effectively.
Am excited that both Styx and Huey Lewis and The News have new albums coming out.

<snip>

Will it matter that, as a Pagan, the closest thing to Hell I believe in is a mall on a holiday weekend? I'm willing to pay 7%, Fenris, if the deal's good enough.


Satan likes souls who like Styx. Especially during their "Grand Illusion" period. I have it on good authority that Satan plays "Come Sail Away" over and over, when not tormenting the damned.

On the other hand...knowing (let alone baking cakes for the occasion) Winnie-The-Pooh's birthday means you're filled with utter coolness. Coolness, while desirable in other quarters is not a selling point for Hell.

As an aside, The Fallen One is an Equal-Opportunity Soul Purchaser: He will accept your soul regardless of religous affiliation.

:: thinks for a moment ::

Unless you're a $cientologist, but that goes without saying.

Anyway, The Lord of Flies will offer you:

Thirteen bootleg Styx albums.
A guaranteed win for the baseball team of your choice, three years running (OR a rule change forcing pitchers to bat.)
$5863.55 paid in small change
1/2 interest in a Salt Mine
and
You'll get your biography written (and it'll be a best seller) but it'll be written by Kitty Kelly.

Crazy Fenris

[Fenris]

Originally posted by Persephone
Now, God's willing to pony up everything I've asked for, plus a big-ass condo in Maui, seats on the 50-yard-line for the next five Super Bowls (although she wouldn't get up off of who the winners will be--sometimes you just can't argue with God, no matter how many shots She's tossed back), a few excellent stock tips, and Harrison Ford's phone number.

Crazy Fenris can beat ANYONE!:

I can go as high as:

All the previous stuff plus

A big-assed condo in Maui, stocked with MONKEY-BUTLERS!
Seats on the laps of the players in the next 5 Super Bowls (or on the bench, if you must)
Can't improve on the stock tips, but Satan will commit to 8 stock tips per year, guaranteed winners.
And why mess with phone numbers? Old Scratch will simply give you Harrison Ford.

Crazy Fenris

[Fenris]

Originally posted by Persephone
Now, God's willing to pony up everything I've asked for, plus a big-ass condo in Maui, seats on the 50-yard-line for the next five Super Bowls (although she wouldn't get up off of who the winners will be--sometimes you just can't argue with God, no matter how many shots She's tossed back), a few excellent stock tips, and Harrison Ford's phone number.

Crazy Fenris can beat ANYONE!:

I can go as high as:

All the previous stuff plus

A big-assed condo in Maui, stocked with MONKEY-BUTLERS!
Seats on the laps of the players in the next 5 Super Bowls (or on the bench, if you must)
Can't improve on the stock tips, but Satan will commit to 8 stock tips per year, guaranteed winners.
And why mess with phone numbers? Old Scratch will simply give you Harrison Ford.

Crazy Fenris

[Tripler]

Aw hell, I'll give this a whirl since my folk's Real Estate agency doesn't deal with "The Damned", Antiques Roadshow threw me off because "24 years isn't antique yet...", and I can't sell my soul to Rock & Roll...

I'm thinking about using my current soul as a trade in for a bigger V8 soul. What can I get for a soul with:


24 year old piss/vinegar soul with moderate death and destruction experience.
Two Stanley Cups as a Devil Worshipper
Slight alcoholic tendencies
Some impish desires: Breaking stuff, blowing stuff up.
Southwestern Grilling Experience
Practical Joker! Once served saltine crackers w/out a beverage to friends.
Experience in annoying people with that funny North Dakota accent.
Some mileage, but tuned regularly and little body work needed. However, the brakes are shot.


So how 'bout it bub? What's my Fair Market Value?

Tripler
Maybe I'll try to sell it on eBay.

[Hippy144]

Man, I used to believe in soul selling. You let me down man, now I'm going to become a monk and give my soul to God, for free!