Alright you fucking assholes, how do I fix this Windows problem?

[Jeremy's Evil Twin]

This is really a GQ question, but it's also addressed to the Gates-worshipping assholes from this thread (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=69035), and there's no fucking way I can post within board guidelines about this type of Windows problem ANYWHERE except The Pit, so here goes...

I play Doom2 a lot, and recently I've played this extremely hard level (Hell Revealed map 26, in case any hard-core Doomers are reading this) and at one specific point in the level, the MS-DOS window I'm playing the game in will suddenly minimize. At first I didn't know what the fuck was going on, but a little experimentation showed it was the key combination Ctrl-Space that was causing it. (Which is a rare combination in the game, but at this particular point was absolutely necessary for survival.) Ok, fair enough, I know how to fix it. I choose "Properties" on the window and look for the shortcut keys to exclude. Hmm, I see Alt-Tab, Alt-Space (already checked off, I had this problem before), Alt-Esc, Ctrl-Esc, and a few dumb ones like Alt-PrtScr -- but NO CTRL-SPACE!!! I think, maybe the computer's confusing it for one of those commands, so I took each out one by one, and all it did was exclude those particular key combinations. (Good thing I didn't exclude them all, eh? Naah, I'm not that fucking stupid...)

Ok, so I'm fucking steamed now. I'm not so much concerned about how to fix the problem as I am wondering, WHERE THE FUCK IS CTRL-SPACE??!!?? Why doesn't this Gates-blowing menu have that as an option?? Am I to assume, that the computer just wants to associate Ctrl-Space with Minimize, and fuck me if I can't play my game??? Oh, and I've played this level before, and don't remember any problems like this, and the only thing that's changed since then is this stupid new keyboard with the "Annoying Shortcut Key" between Ctrl & Alt that brings up the Start Menu and that I've taken months to learn to work around (and no, I am NOT hitting that key by accident!!!) I might have upgraded to Win98 since then, maybe. I don't remember.

All right, lemme have it, you cock-smoking Windows-master faggots. Tell me the ridiculously arcane solution that I'm obviously too much of an idiot to figure out.

[Protesilaus]

Reconfigure your Doom keys for that part.

[SPOOFE]

Am I to assume, that the computer just wants to associate Ctrl-Space with Minimize, and fuck me if I can't play my game???
Yup.

[Shortie]

Why are you shooting at a door?

[matt_mcl]

Originally posted by Jeremy's Evil Twin
All right, lemme have it, you cock-smoking Windows-master faggots.

Charming.

[Jonathan Chance]

Ah, yes.

The king of anger management stands before me again.

Speaking as a Windows geek I could tell you.

But you're rude.

So I won't.

[Duck Duck Goose]

[tiptoes in]

Um, is there any kind of Doom website where you can ask somebody who might have had this problem, too?

[tiptoes out]






[tiptoes back in]

You upgraded to Win98 and got a different keyboard, so my WAG is that there's no way to change the setting. Windows is gonna do what it's gonna do, per the Redmond diktat. My non-tech Mom solution would be to play a different game--"now, now," I tell my children in a patronizing tone, "If it isn't fun, then don't do it." Then I go back to furiously wrestling with my Sims crashes and lockups. "Now, now, Mom," my kids tell me smugly, "If it isn't fun, then don't do it."

[tiptoes out]







[tiptoes back in]

CURSE YOU, BILL GATES!! WE SIGNED UP FOR YOUR FRIGGIN' "ONE YEAR OF FREE MSN WITH THIS COMPUTER" DEAL, AND YOUR MESHUGGINAH ISP KEEPS SENDING US THESE "INSTALL REMINDERS" TO UPDATE OUR WHATEVER IT IS IT WANTS TO UPDATE!! AND THE LAST UPDATE CHANGED THE WAY WE LOG ON, SO IT TOOK DAYS AND DAYS FOR EVERYONE IN THE FAMILY TO BE ABLE TO DO INTERNET WITHOUT PANICKING!! "MOM, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CONNECT DIALOGUE BOX?" AND IT DIDN'T TELL US THAT YOU WERE GOING TO HAVE TO DISCONNECT FROM NOW ON BY ACTUALLY CLICKING ON THE LITTLE GREEN POINTING FINGER WAY DOWN THERE IN THE TRAY, SO WE'RE STILL CONNECTED WHEN WE THINK WE'RE DISCONNECTED, AND NO PHONE CALLS ARE COMING THROUGH, AND THE BETTER HALF WENT OFF TO WORK AND LEFT IT CONNECTED BECAUSE HE DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD TO CLICK ON THE LITTLE GREEN POINTING FINGER!! AND NOW I'M AFRAID TO DOWNLOAD THIS ONE. WHO KNOWS WHAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO DO? "THE NEW UPDATES ARE READY TO BE INSTALLED. CLICK HERE."

YAAAAAAARRRRRRRGHGHGHGHGHG!!!!!


[tiptoes out]

[Fenris]

Originally posted by Duck Duck Goose
tiptoes back in

You upgraded to Win98 and got a different keyboard, so my WAG is that there's no way to change the setting

Nope. I'm pretty sure that it's possible to fix in one or two different ways, but I'll be damned if I answer a homophobic asshole like the OP.

I'll be damned if I'll help someone who's idea of a request for help includes:

originally posted by Jeremey's Twin or whatever the hell his name is
All right, lemme have it, you cock-smoking Windows-master faggots
I hope he has fun trying to figure it out on his own.

Fenris

[dropzone]

I would suggest setting up a DOS system exclusively for DOS games. Or restarting in DOS mode if he wants to play his compensatiion-for-not-having-a-real-sex-life game.

But he's being an asshole, so I'll keep my suggestions to myself.

[Jeremy's Evil Twin]

Well, this figures. I'm an asshole, so nobody with the know-how is gonna answer my question. I expected that. But FUCK IT. This is the Pit, and I came here to rant. And I ain't homophobic, but if you want to think I am, go ahead. Like I could give a rat's ass.

Ok, now to answer the people who were smart enough not to take the bait:

Protesilaus: No offense, but it's taken years for the standard key configuration to become second nature to me. I tried switching to mouse, like most of the other top Doom players, but couldn't get the hang of it. Just like an old dog that doesn't learn new tricks. I appreciate your help, though.

Shortie: LOL, good call but that's kind of the idea. It's a bunker-style position where you're getting barraged by dozens of nasty monsters and your only cover is a tiny door. I use spacebar to open & lower the door to block incoming missiles and hold down ctrl to unleash a constant barrage of shotgun blasts. Tricky but effective...until now.

DDG...now *there's* a guy who knows how I feel! THANK you!!

[ignatzmouse]

All right, lemme have it, you cock-smoking Windows-master faggots
And I ain't homophobic, but if you want to think I am, go ahead. Like I could give a rat's ass.

Do you not understand that the words you write are assumed to be the words you wish to communicate?

There are only three possibilities: You are a homophobic asshole; you are a moron; you are both.

Jesus, what an idiot!!!

[Juniper200]

Originally posted by Jeremy's Evil Twin
No offense, but it's taken years for the standard key configuration to become second nature to me. I tried switching to mouse, like most of the other top Doom players, but couldn't get the hang of it. Just like an old dog that doesn't learn new tricks. I appreciate your help, though.
Look, JET. It's one or the other. You can reconfigure your Doom keys and do a little reconditioning or you can live with a constantly minimizing window. Those are your options. There is no room for you to whine that "oh, that's the way I know how to play it." Tough shit. You can solve the problem or you can live with the problem. The fix suggested by Protesilaus is probably the most sensible one you'll hear (and the politest reply you'll receive to this OP...indeed, it was politer than you deserve) and all you can do is whine that the best fix isn't convenient for you. To repeat: tough shit. That's the way it works.

I probably shouldn't have dignified this temper tantrum of an OP with a response, but anyone remotely involved with tech support hears this kind of crap all the time, and people need to learn that that convenience is seldom an option when fixing computer hangups. You can solve the problem and relearn the behavior or you can tailor your behavior to the computer's problems. End of discussion, there's the door.

[Giraffe]

You still play Doom? Using just the keyboard? And you're mocking other people's computer abilities and choices?

(The keyboard part is what really got me. People who use just the keyboard always think they're good, but they're not. Not ever.)

[Jeep's Phoenix]

Originally posted by Jeremy's Evil Twin
Tell me the ridiculously arcane solution that I'm obviously too much of an idiot to figure out.

Oh my. This is bad. You should find the original boxes your computer came in, pack it up, and take it back to where you bought it. Because you're...ah...incompatible with this one.

:D

I understand that not everyone likes Microsoft. But you need to learn to direct your damn insults to the operating system rather than at those of us who prefer Windows--or those posters who are not of your sexual orientation, for that matter.

[Nocturne]

No advice for your Windows problem, but I know how to fix the bigger one.

First, remove head from sphincter, assuming that you still think with your head and not with your sphincter.

Second, go to a therapist. Actually, I'm beginning to wonder if you need a therapist because you actually like the idea of people dying horribly, or because you pretend like you do.

Third, don't set yourself up like this:

"Tell me the ridiculously arcane solution that I'm obviously too much of an idiot to figure out."

Unless you're some sort of emotional masochist or really don't care, which I expect to be the case anyhow.

[Rasa]

Hee.

Hee hee...

HEE HEE HEE!

Oh. My. God. I got such a good laugh out of the OP it's ridiculous! Not cuz I'm any Windows guru or anything, but just the sheer... ridiculousness of it!

Note to self: Don't preface GQ's with "Alright fucking assholes" and expect a reply. ;)

[Dark Lord Davidson]

Originally posted by Jeremy's Evil Twin
Protesilaus: No offense, but it's taken years for the standard key configuration to become second nature to me. I tried switching to mouse, like most of the other top Doom players, but couldn't get the hang of it. Just like an old dog that doesn't learn new tricks. I appreciate your help, though.

By saying "old dog", did you in fact mean "subhuman gutter spew"?

[Lexicon]

I don't mean to pry, but why in the name of Allah's Jizz are you still playing Doom II? Don't you know there are games out there make Doom II look like Tinky-Winky's Big Adventure in Jerry Falwell Land?

Do you have a problem with your 8-track player, too?
"Why the faggot can't I rewind on this cock-mongrel of an 8-track player? Shit piss cum damn!"

Do you wonder why your phone beeps? It might be a little something we call "call waiting".

Are you mental? Get the net.

Also, I wouldn't say it's a Window's problem at all. It's not a problem with the game either. In my professional opinion, it's an ID10T error. These are quite common, so don't feel bad. Like everyone else who experiences these errors, you should follow the standard fix:

1. Trade your computer in for a can-opener.

2. Once you've mastered this handy, ridiculously complicated little device, move on up to the following devices, and master them in order:

A. A cork extractor, the kind with wings. (ooh, shiny!)

3. A toaster. (ooh, shiny and... and warm!)

4. A blender. (ooh, buttons! Loud! Blar!)

5. A watch. (this one will probably take a while.)

6. A clock-radio (Noisy! Buttons! Help!)

7. A VCR. (blinking...drool...blink...drool...blink)

In the unlikely even that you get even this far, you still have things like remote controls and telephones to worry about. I suggest you go back to the glitter and glue drawings you were so good at and leave the toys with buttons to people who have the proper number of chromosomes.

[SPOOFE]

why in the name of Allah's Jizz are you still playing Doom II?
Now, now, Lex... there's an upgrade program called Doom Legacy that significantly upgrades the controls, sound, and video of the game (you can actually look up! And JUMP!). While the game is still limited to the same old graphic images for enemies and such, it makes the game playable by today's standards.

It's still not as fun as Counterstrike, though... but the nostalgia factor is high.

[techchick68]

Oh yes, always blame Windows, it's NEVER a problem with the program, never...

Never once have I run up against a program, say like some $30 piece of shit software that has had its problems. Never once has my system farted because of a faulty POS software program, it's ALWAYS a problem with Windows.

:rolleyes:

BTW, most of the problems I have ever experienced or have had a call on were directly related to gaming programs. Take that JET, as one that has been in the computer consulting industry for four years now....Oh and get rid of that fucking POS screen saver and use that little OFF button located on your monitor, another source of wieney heads who have problems with their computers. Screen savers cause as many problems as those fucked up cheap ass games.

But that's just my professional opinion.

[Stoid]

People who choose Windoze deserve what they get.

stoid


________

The instructions said:: "Requires WIndows 2000 or better." So I bought a Macintosh.

[SPOOFE]

People who choose Windoze deserve what they get.
Well, Stoid, we tried explaining that to Mr. Evil Twin in this thread (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=69035). For some reason, he resisted the explanation with many a "fuck you, asshole!" thrown about willy-nilly.

[Fenris]

Originally posted by Stoid
People who choose Windoze deserve what they get.


<yawn>

Another platform-hijack. How original.

Please join me here (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=73951) for my response.

Fenris

[Mr. Cynical]

Easy.

Stuff the keyboard up your arse and type with your appendix.

Worked for fatherjohn.

[Jeremy's Evil Twin]

Originally posted by Giraffe
You still play Doom? Using just the keyboard? And you're mocking other people's computer abilities and choices?

(The keyboard part is what really got me. People who use just the keyboard always think they're good, but they're not. Not ever.)

Haha, you're too much. Try looking for demos by a guy named Patrick Martin, and then say that to his face. Unless you're able to kill all six barons on U4M1 with only your fist, no berzerk and NO extra health. If you can, then you can say whatever shit you want.

And people call ME a juvenile, rabble-rousing asshole. Puh-leeeze.

[Fenris]

Originally posted by Jeremy's Evil Twin
[QUOTE]And people call ME a juvenile, rabble-rousing asshole. Puh-leeeze.

Nah. Most people just call you tedious, dull and/or annoying.

And I'm pleased to note that you still haven't gotten an answer to your computer problem.

Fenris

[Duck Duck Goose]

Originally posted by Jeremy's Evil Twin
DDG...now *there's* a guy who knows how I feel! THANK you!![/B]

Er. *cough*

"You're welcome!" the Duck with the XX chromosomes said brightly.

[Morrison's Lament]

DDG, I had the quote ready and was about to write an incredibly humorous take on the whole thing when I noticed you had beat me to it! :(

Oh well, just lemme say this: "Read her whole post! She's a mom! She says she is! Several times! Read her whole post!"

That second "read her whole post" was just in case you didn't read the first part of the post :D

And this little sentance is in case you didn't read the one before it :D

--- G. Raven

[Giraffe]

Originally posted by Jeremy's Evil Twin
Haha, you're too much. Try looking for demos by a guy named Patrick Martin, and then say that to his face. Unless you're able to kill all six barons on U4M1 with only your fist, no berzerk and NO extra health. If you can, then you can say whatever shit you want.

And people call ME a juvenile, rabble-rousing asshole. Puh-leeeze.
Actually, I'll amend. I can't say that no one is able to be good with just the keyboard. It is much easier to be good with both mouse and keyboard, though, and all the best players have always used both. Why use just one?

I admit, though, that I was being juvenile. I'm not sure it could be called "rabble-rousing", since no one else cares about mocking keyboard-using Doom players. I was really just being "JET-irritating", which was my intention.

Besides, I thought you approved of attention-getting posts. Rather than saying "I found your OP to be rude and irritating", which I know you would ignore, I can say "JET, you suck at Doom", which I know will piss you off. Just trying to speak your language here.

[False_God]

Why oh why...

Do we give this , as someone else has aptly dubbed him "testicle with an internet connection" any more fodder? It's a beautiful summer day. Let's go have a picnic, maybe some beers, and rejoice that we're alive.





And that we're not JET.



(Oh, and JET, I hope you have to wipe your asshole daily with a handful of razor wire, you dog-felching crack whore of a fecal nugget, emptied, steamed, seasoned with sesame seeds, garnished with lark's vomit and lovingly frosted with glucose.)

[jab1]

JET, maybe the reason you were picked on in school is because you were (and still are) an asshole?

[Chief Crunch]

Originally posted by techchick68
Oh yes, always blame Windows, it's NEVER a problem with the program, never...


Heheh, reminds me of a kid I know who has his graphics card overclocked and his processor overclocked by running on an FSB of 133MHz all the while only having pc100 rated RAM and every time Windows locks up, he exclaims, "Goddamn Windows!"

Originally posted by Jeremy's Evil Twin
I play Doom2 a lot...the key combination...was causing {problem}
Thought there was a way to kill key combinations in Windows and that Window users would say how, or at least if it were (were not) possible. But then Windows users are ...
DropZone's idea is good. Use a boot manager to boot into a DOOM specific OS. To quote GNU (freeware) UNZIP, "We don't play DOOM, but if we did it would be on Linux." Linux might me a little extreme, depending on your commitment to DOOM, but a DOS (MS 3.3 or higher) would work fine considering today's hardware using yesterday's software.
Defrag your harddrive; grab FIPS and repartition a meg or two; install a DOS and DOOM. It would only add a second or two to the boot time into Windows when you weren't using your computer for what it was intended.

P.S. I got 4,800 suggestions by using Google with "+key +combinations +kill +windows +98." The first hit looked most promising.

[aenea]

Originally posted by techchick68
BTW, most of the problems I have ever experienced or have had a call on were directly related to gaming programs. .....Screen savers cause as many problems as those fucked up cheap ass games.


This needs to be said again, and again, and again, etc....


The first thing I ask people that want 'puter help is "run any games on that machine, especially old DOS based games?"

If they say yes, they deserve whatever it is that they are experiencing.

[Jeep's Phoenix]

Originally posted by AcidKid
Thought there was a way to kill key combinations in Windows and that Window users would say how, or at least if it were (were not) possible.

As has been mentioned before...

We would have been more than happy to do that, but the OP was behaving like a prolapsed rectum, so we instead chose to treat him as such.

Originally posted by Jeep's Phoenix
We would have been more than happy to do that, but the OP was behaving like a prolapsed rectum, so we instead chose to treat him as such.

Of course, my mistake, I should of realized -

act not upon any internal set of morals or beliefs,

simply -

react.


Gee whiz, if only my life were so simple.
But then I'd rather ring the bell than just salivate.

[SPOOFE]

Yup, here comes Acidkid and his amazing wonderhorse, Eugene! See how high up Eugene is?

[Father Pacelli]

Sure, I'll tell you. It's called resetting your preferences.

I haven't played Doom for God alone knows how long, but if I remember correctly, the CTRL key fires weapons and the Spacebar opens doors, throws switches, etc. Try resetting your Open Door key to something that's not yet assigned, such as the F key or whatever (F=Fire, get it?).

You think Doom is an old game, I still play ZORK. No kidding.

[Giraffe]

AcidKid, what's it like being Yoda? Is Dagobah nice in the summer?

Father Pacelli, if you're still stuck in the maze after twenty years, I really think it's time to break out the graph paper... :)

[Father Pacelli]

In my defence, it must be said that I figured out the maze quite readily. :)

Remember when you get to Hades in Zork, and you can't go SOUTH because of the demons blocking your path? Look up the old Catholic excommunication ritual, then try to find the necessary elements (you need four things) scattered about the area.

I still have an old Commodore Vic-20 here that I use for playing ZORK and balancing my cheque-book. Whatever happened to CBM, anyway? They made great machines that never crashed.

At any rate, I must say that I didn't answer that question for the foul-mouthed egotist that saw fit to make it. I answered it on the assumption that a good and decent person had that same problem and needed it answered. If the potty mouth was the only one who cared about it, I would have kept my silence.

[Father Pacelli]

One more thing I should add. If you choose to look up the Catholic excommunication ritual to cast out those demons I mentioned, be sure to use the old rite, not the new one that was created in the early Seventies.

Originally posted by Giraffe
AcidKid, what's it like being Yoda?
Who seeks true knowledge do seek indeed.